absolutum dominium

A WALK TO REMEMBER

Was going to blog abt my feelings now tt my holidays are coming to an end and Law Orientation is over etc etc etc, but am currently feeling too stoned to do so.

Things I did today:

1. Ate fantastic home-cooked pasta.

2. Collect race pack for Nike Real Run + sign up for Army-Half Marathon (Flag off time is at 5.45am!!! WTF???!!!)

3. Go for Law FCG at Eric's house.

4. Watch 'A Walk to Remember' with the dad. Great. Now my eyes are red and stinging from all tt crying. Bah.

"IT'S BEEN SURREAL; HOW DO YOU FEEL, WHEN THE SEAS PART BEFORE YOUR EYES?"

It's over.

Law Orientation is over. The camp, rag and flag - LAW HAS FINALLY PAINSTAKINGLY BROKEN THE CYCLE, BEAT MED FAC AND HAS WON BEST PRESENTATION!!! WHOO HOO!!!), and matric week.

There's a feeling of surrealism at this point in time. Knowing right now at this very moment, tt you don't have to contact your freshies or counsellors anymore, that school is fucking starting and life is quieting down and moving on. No more fucking stupid counsellors to deal with, no more problem freshies to have to handle even when you feel like slapping them. But at the same time, no more fantastic counsellors to mingle with and thank for taking on so many responsibilities and putting their heart and soul into this, and more than tt, no more hanging out with the freshmen tt you love, the ones tt have stuck with you loyally through it all, who helped you, who just made it feel like everything you put in and sacrificed, is worth it.

The past few days have been crazy. Yuwei stayed over on Wed night, but surprisingly I got enough rest. On Thusrday I joined my freshies at LT 15 for tt fake legal writing lecture (Joseph was super unconvincing as a lecturer: "AP David Tan from David & Tan???") - Muahaha to all those freshies who ponned matric and only turned up for the fake lecture. Wasted your fucking time only!

After tt it was off to Sentosa with 15 freshies. We got the so-called "best chalet of the lot", which we shared with OG 1. Since they were bigger, they happily colonised the best room in the house, so my OG had to make do with what with we had left. Nabe. But anyway it was all good. Specific insturctions from the Top included not letting the OG get out of the chalet, keeping them entertained, etc etc etc. Sometimes I think some people think the OGLs are superhuman. They give us a thousand and one things to do and then kao bei when we can't handle all of them. What the fuck man. But anyway the chalet thingy was fun. We got to discuss Drag Queen - poor unfortunate Kelvin from my OG somehow became the victim coz he lost at Indian Poker, and he had to embarass himself wearing Julia's hot pink shorts which looked like hotpants on him, asorted spag straps, bikinis and halters, and I felt so so sorry for him. No wonder he left the moment he could. Muahaha. We learnt how to play 'Pig', this addictive Heart Attack like game which was damn damn fun. And which I was lousy at. Fortunately for me, Alex was lousier "Pig, READY!" and Jiahui was lousiest. So we made him do a forfeit. I suggested him going down the stairs swinging his shirt and singing "I believe in miracles!" Muahaha. Damn funny. The poor boy was damn sporting, but I felt kinda sorry for him coz he seems quite shy. But the girls all agree he has a damn nice bod, so show off can lah. :)

The 4 scariest Fright Night stations had been raided by rangers unfortunately - FUCK -, so they had to relocate. As such Fright Night had to be delayed by over 2 hours. We started around 10pm, which was damn late. Had to explain to my freshies why we were keeping in the chalet so long. Fortunately they were damn understanding.

We started out at the Tunnerl Station first after the opening skit. Fucking near call. Ranger vehicle came up to us at the waiting area. Fortunately Nawaz was there and he and David managed to talk the rangers into leaving the OG alone. Ryan also walked by our waiting area as Colonel Mustard. I think he was patrolling to make sure no more rangers were around. But it was damn funny coz my freshies wanted to catch him. :P

Joanne was great in leading the freshies to the station. They actually felt sorry for her having to walk up and down just to lead them personally. They also liked the Tunnel Station. Apparently it has the highest scare factor to some of them. The next station was Chalet 702, formerly the "bathtub mirror" station at one of the derelict houses tt got raided. I could hear some girls screaming from the outside. Damn funny. Eunice my new freshie was apparently great fun for the counsellors. Although she slapped the hand of one of them when he was trying to help her, a fact tt I in all honesty don't appreciate.

Xiaohui was feeling sick, so I waited with her while someone came to to look after her. Next station was the Toilet station. The most eventful station of all. The station where MY freshie gets immortalised among all the other counsellors. Remember waiting at the end point with David and a few freshies when James comes storming out of the station, white cloak and hood billowing with this Look on his face - not the 'scare-you' look but the 'Houston we have a problem' look behind Eunice and June, as if he were chasing them out. Then he beckons David and me over impatiently and the first thing I think is "Oh fuck. What happened now?"

And then he tells me tt June physically attacked Zhihao, who was standing in the first cubicle. She punched and kicked him. He told me tt I needed to reign in my freshies. I was quite worried at this time coz I didn't know what to do, but worry became anger when June kept going on and on about how she 'kicked the crap out of the counsellor'. FYI you aren't supposed to hurt the counsellors. They are doing this shit for your benefit. It isn't fun to sit in some small dark cubicle in full hood and make-up and do the same thing over and over and over again. What fucking God given right have you to attack them and even if you do, HOW the fuck can you actually stand there and repeatedly talk about it as if you were fucking PROUD of what you had done? My god I felt like slapping her at tt point in time. So I kept quiet, didn't say a thing, and let David handle the matter till I cooled down. I couldn't trust myself with words, and at least David has a natural talent for soothing things. But I think she knew I was mad. Coz I know my anger shows in my eyes, and I knew she saw it.

Fortunately the next 2 stations were the non-scary stations, which was good, coz it was a lot lighter at heart. Eunice and Joanna were damn funny as Professor Plum and her cronies, and at the Palawan Beach hu2 li4 jing1 station where Jiahui's shirt got stolen by Clarissa *insert drooling noises here*, Jordan did a lap dance on me, and he got traumatised by Clarissa in return. Damn cute. The freshies liked the station. I was afraid June was going to attack Clarissa when she sat next to her and pretended to be possessed, but fortunately June doesn't attack girls (I think).

The next station was the former Hospital, now Cove station. Damn cute. I heard a very loud "WHAT THE FUCK?!" from Azmin when he went in. June went in with Alex who kept making such ridiculous comments tt she wasn't as frightened. Which was good. The freshies didn't think it was as scary tho. Fuck lah. Why did we have to relocate from Mansion???!!!

After that station it was on to the former Mansion II station (and formerly the scariest station in Fright Night) to the current Path station. The freshies recognised Siyuan as Sauron from Seniors Concert and made fun of his tt way. The girls went in for the station in groups of 4, which was damn unscary - but at least no violence ensued. And June said she warned Albert not to get close to her otherwise she would beat him up, and he stayed away.

Unfortunately coz we had to cut by 4am the freshies didn't get to go to the Sadako Chalet station, which would be the now scariest station in Fright Night, which was a damn waste. So Davd and I brought them on a tour of Mansion II and roughly showed them where what was supposed to be. It was agreed tt in the original location, things would be 100x scarier than they were. Esp as Mansion is really haunted.

I fell asleep around 6+am. Was supposed to sleep with the girls in one room but David didn't want to sleep with the guys coz tt room was apparently too cold for him. So we switched rooms instead, which was a blessing for me coz I got a bed (muahaha) while he had to sleep on the floor, and I got a lot of space too coz Nick was conservative and slept a lot closer to Shang. Azmin (I think) said tt this proves tt he prefers guys over girls.

Wad-EVER! (Azmin style)

Anyway in the night, 7 people left us. So for Beach Bash day on Friday my OG had severely dwindled in size. Of course tho, the ones who stayed are the ones I love the most, so tt was comepletely fine with me. We played around Siloso Beach; swam with Nick and David, talked to the freshies, played 4 stations of Orientation Games... Pretty lazy day. Quite fun lah, splashing in the sea and lying on the sand. Coz Kelvin had escaped the night before, Azmin gamely became the new drag queen, and he had to dress up as a Playboy Bunny. The spag strap, tight black trunks, black stockings, eeyore ears, make-up and tt white bunny tail tuft on his butt were THE ULTIMATE!!! I felt so so sorry for him. He was the consummate Kumar in his drag act, I swear. Maybe a little OTT coz he was making up vital stats jokes like "36-24-14-36" and calling himself 'a chick with a dick', but he was amazing. He was SO Good and SO brave and SO sporting, and to sound really cheesy, I felt really really proud to have him in my OG at tt point in time. And Grace, Angie and Alex were all really really supportive of him too.

After Drag and dinner (which wasn't enough for me), we negotiated with the FOCC for our OG to take Azmin and Alex's cars back to NUS. I went back with Alex and June. Alex kindly let me bathe in his hall. I swear, my freshies are a class act. They knew tt I was damn stressed coz David wasn't around, and even tho the comm people had made arrangements tt weren't comfortable for them, they didn;t abandon me and actually helped me a lot. We were to go back to NUS at 9.30pm, find halls to bathe in, and sleep in the classrooms provided. All sleeping arrangements were to be settled by the OGs ourselves, so if no one brought sleeping bags it would all be the cold hard floor. No one was allowed to go back to their halls to sleep. Wake up time is 6.15 am. Breakfast is 7.15am. Movement to SRC between 7.45am and 8am. And the Law Rag performance is only at 11am.

Just hearing these arrangements, I expected my freshies who stayed in hall to leave. But they didn't. June was sweet. Even tho I was very very angry with her for attacking Zhihao, I think she more than redeemed herself later. She brought all her sleeping stuff from her hall to share with the OG. Alex let me bathe in his hall as well. Derick was fantastic as a counsellor. Even though he was really busy with Rag, he spent time with the OG coz David wasn't around, he went for supper with us, and muahaha... he helped us bend the rules tt he and the Rag Comm set for the OGs. :P And later when the others came back, we all spent some time in the classroom and then went over to Fong Seng for supper.

Nick was super nice. He let me sleep on the table with the pillow. We woke up around 6.50am on Rag Day coz I let them sleep. Figured since we only needed to be out of the classroom at 7, as long as they shifted all the furniture back and cleared out, other arrangements could be made later. Azmin kindly helped me get breakfast, and we all agreed at some point in time tt the OG is beginning to TALK LIKE EACH OTHER. There is Azmin's "Wad-EVER!" and Alex's "(something)... READY" (said in a "position change!" manner) and David's "YEEEUUUCK!" and "I so poor thing..." Goodness.

So after breakfast we headed down to SRC. The arrangements were crap. It was partly our fault. We didn't come up with cheers for the freshies, so we couldn't lead them in cheers. And someone was blaming the freshies for their lack of energy, but rightly said, it was our responsibility to keep them occupied. As was it our responsibility to take care of their welfare, a requirement which I think was not satisfied. Was in a damn pissy mood coz of the arrangements. I understand them and the objectives behind them, but I don't agree with them one bit. But at least the rag floats and presentations were damn entertaining. Grace was so impressed. :) And Jordan, Shang and Zihua actually came all the way down as well, which I felt quite grateful for.

Law won best presentation!!! Have to say it again. I kind of wish we'd won it last year when I performed, but better late than never. And I KNOW we deserved it. The hours put in on the dancing, which was SO profressional and impressive, as were the amazing stunts, the costumes designed by Yuet Min and the amazing props! I know so many people didn't sleep all of the night before, which is especially gruelling coz of the Fright Night on Thurs as well, and the sheer energy and power in the presentation tt had judges personally clapping and smiling during the performance, is damn power. I was afraid Med Fac would win again coz even tho their item is simple and less intricate or as technically-sound as ours, it does have mass appeal.

Fortunately this year, the judges knew better than to just judge on mass appeal. MUAHAHAHA!!! This proves reusing your 6/8-legged prop for 3 years in a row does not necessarily mean you'll win all those 3 years!

After tt, my freshies and I and Albert zhao to SRC canteen for a drink and a bite, and Alex kindly gave 5 of us a lift to our respectives homes in 'the hearse' (our nickname for his car). I LOVE Alex's car. Damn fun to sit in the boot and wave to people in the cars behind. Muahaha.

I love my freshies.

On one hand, I'm so glad tt all this is finally OVER and I can resume with a more quiet and normal life etc. But on the other hand, I know I'll miss them, my freshies. I'll miss Grace and Angie, the two girls who just really really brightened up everything for me with their enthusiasm and their niceness and their loyalty and sensitivity, Azmin and Alex for their sheer funniness and humour, their sportingness and spontaenity, their sensitivity and their maturity (even tho the both of them pretend to be bo-chup 'fuck care' slackers, they are DAMN sweet underneath), Nick for his onzness and maturity and responsibility and his caringness, and Jordan and Shang for their caring and loyalty and niceness, and June for her enthusiasm (Fright Night aside, she was a wonderful freshie and very spunky) and generosity in sharing her sleeping stuff etc, and Jiahui and Kelvin for their sportingness when they came, and to Eunice for staying throughout as well in spite of everything.

It's still so surreal and it's still sinking in, the fact tt everything is over. But I guess it helps tt I have in my possession my stack of 59 pages to read for Tuesday's lecture (FUCK), my timetable and the knowledge tt this sem I'm going to have a damn happening tutorial group including Terri, Dave, Weitan and Joanne, and also, the knowledge tt I am now a Shearite!!!

Whoohoo.

THE RETURN OF TAEKWONDO-KIA!

Cheesy movie-type title aside, YES, suffice to say my good mood is BACK! After two days of Absolut Fuck (think Freshmen Inaug Ceremony on Monday with mysterious disappearing freshies tt *I* have to account for WHAT THE FUCK???!!!, and NUS Flag Day on Tuesday where swarms of NUS students dressed in red infest the streets of Singapore and you walk around from City Hall to Raffles Place in the blazing sun to sell flags, only to get scolded by some cheebye asshole coz there are way too many NUS students on the loose, and then have damn xiong training in the evening to top it off???!!!), today was good.

Okay, better than the past few days. Yesterday night I collapsed face-down on my bed at 11.30pm. DAMN tired after my first dragonboat land training since uh... end-of-April. First training I thought would be slack, maybe play smoe netball/basketball, go for short 2km run tt kind... We ran the 6km route at a very fast pace. Wah lau... Feeling sick the night before, damn tired + tulan + didn't eat enough on the day itself, while running I got stitches, could feel the air in my stomach, had tt horrible lactice acid overload in my legs... FUCK man. So my run was seriously fucked-up.

I HATE myself, absolutely HATE myself, when I underperform.

But anyway the rest of training was better, even though when I got home my legs were aching like mad, and even today both my legs and arms are aching from a monster run + first gym session in 3 months.

This morning I got to school stoned. I had no energy; I didn't even FEEL like being energetic. I guess as an OGL you have to try and be enthu even when you're damn fucking drained coz then your freshies, who are probably damn sian of orientation already, will not just lose their steam and drop out, but seriously, I didn't even feel like trying. Damn pissy mood. If not for David and the upbeatness of my core freshies, I don't know what would have happened. *sigh*

I was away form the OG for pretty long though. In the morning they had mardi gras - or rather this event where they showcase a mascot for their OG + set up a games stall etc. And then after tt they compete in games so tt they can buy second hand books in a better condition. But because I was taking part in the Seniors' Concert in the afternoon, I excused myself for the dry-run at 10am.

Or rather, it was supposed to start at 10am. Me and Ryan were stoning, sitting around, changing in and out of our gi; we even had an early lunch... but no dry-run. But in the end, somehow everything worked out.

We gave the taekwondo performance of the year (our only performance of this year at least).

Me and Ryan were supposed to play these two 'mysterious practitioners of a secret martial art' tt were super ego and at loggerheads with each other. So we'd base our act on 4 components - a play-acting bit where we pretended to not like each other, an unarmed combat bit, a sparring bit and a destruction bit.

So Ryan attacked me with a bread knife for the unarmed combat bit, and I kicked it out of his hands. But too much adrenalin, I accidentally kicked his head damn hard too. I started laughing a bit and forgot my mjove, so he had to fall by himself. But the freshmen watching looked shocked when I kicked his head. Then again so did he.

Still laughing, we moved on to the second second part, which involved me falling. That looked impressive... I hope.

Next it was on to sparring to Mortal Kombat music... muahaha. Which was ok except a) I was laughing, which is a no no; b) I was panting SUPER hard, which was damn funny, c) our sparring shouts of 'pa-hey!' is damn funny to listen to.

For the last part, we had destruction. 5 boards - Ryan took 3 and I took 2. We got 4 random freshies to hold the board for us. Ryan did a reverse kick, jumping front kick (damn impressive!) and a backthrust. I did a turning kick and my usual 360 degree turning kick (ooh. My hunky freshie Andre was holding the board for tt kick). Broke both boards. Muahaha.

Inspite of the cock-ups for our demo, from what I heard it lookedpretty impressive. Muahaha. So tt makes me happy. So I'm happy.

And a good Italian dinner as well as my bestest friend in the world staying over for the night, just makes everything even better! Muahaha.

Tomorrow. Sentosa and the beginning of 48 hours of no sleep.

Feel like throwing up. Think am falling sick.

DIE!!!

"THEIR FUN ROW IS OUR DISASTER"

In the tradition of NUS dragonboat (girls' team only), senior rowers organise a 'Fun Row' session annually to get freshies interested in the sport and therefore the team. In line with this tradition, a junior's fun row is generally a senior's disaster row because the water seniors' pull is a lot heavier coz the freshies consist of heh... dead weight.

This tradition is absent in the guys' team because they don't NEED more rowers. Besides, they already have a problem of gays joining dragonboat. During Matric Fair, when we were helping them pull in people they told us to make sure 'no gays sign up'. And then when this suspected gay stood in front of the booth, the 2 guys pretended to be really absorbed in whatever they were doing, even as he came all the way up to them and peered down at them. Only after he said "Can I sign up?" did they reluctantly hand him the sign-up sheet. And marked against his name to make sure he wasn't contacted. Guys have this 'gay radar' tt girls don't have I guess, coz I wouldn't have known. Or cared. *evil grin*

But I guess they have a point. I mean, it's not very secure to row in a team half-naked in very close proximity, with the nagging fear tt everytime you drop the soap it's going to hurt a lot more than you think. And the fears are not unfounded. The guys are already on Sgboy.com, this gay S'porean website. Albeit with not-very-nice comments given muahaha (and yes the pics are 100% original). This is a large part of the reason why they are going to make the first session for the freshies another 'whack-till-you-peng-san' session - to separate the 'real men' (so-called) from the ones who just want to screw around.

But anyway back to us girls. From the very beginning.

In the morning I took a CAB to school to reach there ON TIME at 8.45am in the morning after receiving Mona's message (sent at close to 2am the night before) tt we were supposed to be there. I didn't want to be late. Surprise surprise. No one else got tt message.

Argh.

But anyway it was fun chilling, using up my last $5 in my wallet for cab fare and having to borrow money from Mona (who also only had $%) for breakfast. Then as more people started coming and the freshies started coming, I became to enthusiastic 'toilet auntie' - the person who directed every one to the toilet, etc. And Mona was excitedly telling us - or trying to - a piece of good news.

Mona: "I have a piece of good news to tell you."
Geox: "What? No more running?"
Mona: "No. Not tt good."
Geox: "What? You're moving to Boon Lay?"

Coz Geox and Mona live damn near each other, and every time Mona goes for a run she will instinctively DRAG Geox with her.

(Actually piece of good news was tt Mona would be getting a new bike, but I thought Geox's speculations were a lot more worth puitting up!)

Anyway among the freshies who came there was this girl called Sarah who had pink-streaked hair. I LOVE her hair!!! It's so cool and head-turning. And her friend's so hot too, with a really nice golden tan (tt I've lost! Waaah!). And there's a group of girls incl 1 called Mabelline (who will make for a lot of cosmetics jokes to come), and MY COUSIN!!! Denise! Muahaha. Coz if you are reading this *huge bear hug and kiss* I love you thanks for coming down!!!

I tried to apply my so-called OGL people skills to the freshies, interacting with them etc. Didn't really talk to tt many but I thought those I did talk to were really nice. David coached our 'Fun Row', which IMHO wasn't really all tt fun... I guess there is only so much fun you can get out of dragonboat rowing alone, esp when you lack the arm strength as a freshie, but the answers I got when I asked everyone how they found training was "It's ok. I'm ok." Hope they were being honest and not just nice, but I think they seem like really nice girls. Sporty, or sporting, and really willing to try out new stuff. Plus I have pretty high hopes. The girls have a lot of potential. It didn't take long for their timing to go from 'char kuay teow' to quite together, and their strokes were quite nice for a first time tryout. And some of them were really whacky and fun.

Mona likes my cousin. She thinks she is funny. I like my cousin too. I think she is funny too. But I foresee a future of Mona and my cousin agreeing with each other too much when I get high and start doing all sorts of funny things tt I do when high, like sing out-of-tune, or go "Yip yip yip" or dance around. Ugh.

In other notes, my eye-candy made a reappearance. *sigh* I haven't seen many guys who can carry off Asics shorts well. He's one of them. :( But oh well. Will just say 'goodbye'. Goodbye.

It rained heavily just after the row ended so we - the now-senior rowers, had to huddle in the shelter before going to bathe. But the time we finished bathing it was 2pm and the guys had arrived already for their training. Had lunch at City Hall at 3pm, went to church at 6pm, had steamboat dinner at home at 8pm... And in between all my SMS messaging and deseminating of info for Law Matric is going to make my dad hit the roof when he sees my handphone bill for this month.

HAIL COMMUNIST CHINA!

People who know me from JC remember tt I used to have nothing good to say about Hwa Chong. I used to compare it to Communist China. I used to complain about how our uniforms made us look like factory workers. I used to say how standing in the courtyard was like standing in Tiannanmen waiting for Chairman Ang to address us.

And yet today I went for the 30th Homecoming Carnival - which is the last event tt Hwa Chong will be celebrating as a JC before it integrates with Chinese High and becomes Hwa Chong Institution (which Mr. Perry says is just another name for the Hwa Chong Asylum).

That's right, we went back to the Humanz Room to visit the tutors too. But not to get too ahead of myself; before going back to school I had lunch with Marky-Mark at the Rice Table. It's this Indonesian restaurant at Cuppage that has buffet for lunch and dinner at $12.80 and $18.80 respectively. There's a choice of 14 dishes including tauhu telur, beef rendang, chicken satay, sayur lodei, etc. Not bad lah. Had a decent conversation with Mark as alway, then we made our way down to Hwa Chong around 2.30pm.

Got there about 2.55pm and hung around the Humanz balcony. It was a mess. Full of people; and very messy (eg dirty). Stalls were set up for selling food and games (there was one where the vice-principal got dunked in water twice), and uh... they were playing Chinese music (i.e. old HC songs tt I never bothered to learn). The 'rest' of our class - Elly, Eunice, Peiying, Hsien, Junch and much later, Yanli came by; but for all the promises from other people tt they would be coming as well, I heard neither head nor tail of them either.

We stopped by the Humanz Room - my first visit in over a year. Perry was there, but Burge came by later. Perry asked most of everyone where they were, and he got answers like 'Cambridge', 'Oxford', 'York', 'Warwick' and 'LSE'. Obviously I was not asked. But besides tt, we did engage in small talk with him and later Mr. Burge - who looks a lot like John Kerry. "Vote Kerry!" We also asked questions like "Where is Mr. Miles?" and were directed to the white board in the front tt read "Mr. Miles is not ****! here", and we took photos. Mark using the timer on Hsien's camera makes for good entertainment. I have incriminating photos of him on my handphone now. :) Now if I super-imposed another guy standing behind facing him bent over the table...

Anyway photo:

For the record, from left to right tt's Hsien, Junch, Perry and Kerry... I mean Burge, me, Eunice, Elly and Emily. Peiying's left the room and Mark doesn't know how to work the timer on my camera (so he's taking the picture for this shot).

After tt we walked around a bit coz Mark was desperate to finish his $20 worth of coupons (he didn't). Bumped into Jon from Law 2 times with his gf.

Took some photos with Hsien at the Humanz Balc:

That's Hsien aka 'Tiny' to the left, and tt's me to the right. I hate my arms. Ugh. You should see why. And YES, I am losing my gorgeous tan. Fuck. Girl in blue with back to audience is Peiying, and guy leaning over like he wants to fall over the railing is Mark.

Did the mass dance 'Wild Wild West', or the little I remembered of it, and then went up to the Taekwondo Room to see if things had changed. This is the punching bag, my pride and joy for 2002:

After all this we left for Venezia for ice-cream.

All in all, IMHO the Carnival was about as good as I'd expected it to be. Which was not tt good. The class gathering had as good a showing as I expected. WHich is not tt much. But we engaged in decent conversation; met up with certain people I would have liked to see again, and had a decent Thai dinner meal and conversation with Yanli after tt. I like Carrefour's mango pudding with huge mango chunks and aloe vera juice with huge aloe vera chunks, but I can't find Junch's beef bones either. :(

Tomorrow: more fun stuff. Dragonboat water training for me. Fun Row for my juniors, multiple-tyre-row for me.

Btw, if I sound a little bitter, don't mind me. My tolerance for fakes, original girls, super bimbos and most of all stupid people is currently at zero.

I don't know how this relates to everything, but I feel like I've lost a lot more faith in the human species, or at least in Singaporeans. I feel tt sometimes people make promises tt they don't mean at all, and in the end these promises just get broken. Sometimes they are small promises and you think they don't matter to you, but maybe you don't realise tt they might mean more to other people. If you want to make a promise, no matter how small it is, mean to do it. If you know tt you can't, then don't make it. Coz unless it's an emergency like your grandfather just died or something, then don't give me fucked up excuses. Coz I'm damn close to telling you to go fuck yourself already.

On the upside, check out this link for the ultimate lameness in KTV.

BREAK THE CYCLE

Law Matriculation Week feels like Law Camp all over again.

Except for of course, the obvious: the jaded-but-bonded 'old freshies, and the 6 clueless new freshies (whom I hope will integrate well into the OG and catch tt same spirit. I don't think it should be tt difficult coz my OG has the nicest freshies I know, but here's keeping my fingers crossed).

Is it me, or are couples sprouting up everywhere since Law Orientation started? We have a new counsellor-counsellor pairing now, and a new counsellor-freshie pairing too. And possibly more on the way, especially of the freshie-freshie variety. Ooh how exciting. :)

I understand tt some of my freshies have/may have access to this blog. The knowledge is a little unnerving because I reveal sides to myself tt I don't normally show others, if at all. But after a bit of consideration, I've decided to go on as per normal and keep the blog here, the way it's always been (in any case I LIKE this blog. I like the ugly boring no-skin layout because I realise tt it best describes the way I want things and my life to be. Serves its purpose, doesn't beat around the bush, and doesn't give you an overdose of pink-cutseyness tt will push me into a state of psychotic aggression). I've never had anything to hide, and like I said in a previous entry, I don't practice self-censorship. My blog is all honesty; if people read something they don't like, it's their own fault coz no one is stopping them from leaving the page. I will admit tho, tt as far as matric programs go I will not mention any info of what is happening in the next week on my blog, just to be safe. So for any of my freshies reading this, here's a wave and a big 'hi' to you. :)

Anyway I'll just do a brief recap of today. It's the last day of Matric Fair - with the chapalang groups of Law, Med, and I think, Music. Coz Bikwei made it damn clear in her email tt counsellors were to be in school by 9am sharp, for the first time in Law Orientation history I was punctual. But almost half of the rest of the counsellors were late.

After a briefing and a walk-through, I went down to the Matric Fair even tho I wasn't on duty today to help pull in people for Dragonboat. I believed tt my presence would help a lot more coz I could co-erce people into joining, plus it would be a lot more fun than just waiting at LT 15 for the freshies.

So I bounced over to MPSH where Angeline and Meiping were (yes, I was SUPER high in the morning), and my presence helped a leeeeetle bit. I managed to get people to sign up for both the guys' and girls' team on sheer enthusiasm and doggedness alone, but not tt many lawyerrrs. Oh, but I did get Andre aka Fabio Man of Men to sign up! Haha. I'm so happy. To be honest he's my fave non-OG freshie coz I think he's cute and superrr-nice. :) He obliged to sign up on my account even tho we both know he prob won't join Dragonboat. And I got another guy from either OG 3 or OG 6 to join simply by standing in front of him and going "Please Please PLEASE do it for me!!!" until he grabbed the pen just to get me off his back.

I think I've just given the guys' team 2 more admin problems to handle.

The Law FCG people were at the CSS group, so Renita came over to talk to me too. And in the meantime give me phamplets to hand out for Law FCG. So since then I was standing in front of the dragonboat booth handing out phamplets for BOTH dragonboat and Law Catholics. Angeline and Meiping found it highly amusing how I traumatised people by first asking them if they were interested in joining dragonboat, and then if they were in Law and were Catholic. Or how I would be selective and ask some people (the bigger/sportier ones) to join dragonboat, and the other people (the not so sporty ones who look Ang-mohnised) if they were from Law and Catholic.

Finally found out who Justin from the guy's team is too (he's the one who looks as cute as a furry animal). He's Catholic too! He looked amused and content to let us girls jio everyone for them.

David called me around 11.30am coz he was a little irritated tt I had disappeared and left him to deal with the incoming freshies alone. So I waited for my 'old' freshies - Angie, Grace, Heather, Alex, Azmin, Jordan, Shang and Nick to come by, and then I conveniently left with and led them back to LT 15 via Law Fac.

We have 6 new freshies now - 3 guys and 3 girls. 1 girl left before I came tho. I kinda feel sorry for the new freshies a little coz our 'old' freshies have bonded so well tt they must feel really left out of everything. But I hope tt over the next week they will blend into the group. It shouldn't be difficult if they come for all the days and activities, and make the outings. But if they keep siam-ing then it'll be hard for them to blend in. But here's crossing my fingers. The new people look damn nice too.

For Ice-Breakers after lunch, all the guys left, and only Huiyi was the lone new freshie. Ironic for Ice-Breakers - coz the rest of my freshies knew each other so damn well. We lost 2 games and won 2 games, but for one of those we won we DID the forfeit - this funny thing where you lie on each others' stomachs and go 'ha ha ha' counting) because my freshies WANTED to. They thought it would be damn fun. John Lu says it's because our G1 is David. David warps everyone. Muahaha. But I like David.

And it was damn fun for me, watching them. :P

But after Ice-Breakers I was really really damn shacked. Thing about being really high is tt after tt when you hit a low, it's REALLY low. And David disappeared after lunch for his band practice, so I more or less had to handle the OG. But kudos for my counsellors for helping! And my OG's really independent/zi4 dong4, so tt helps me millions.

Wanted to practice with Ryan for Wed, but some emergency cropped up for him. Am worried both for him and Wed. Suspect we'll be cancelling. Am disappointed, but the reason is justified.

Went to Mac's with Joanna, Jit and Debbie for dinner coz I didn't get my parents to cook in anticipation of tt practice thing, plus I was superrr tired and hungry. Jit was really heath-conscious. She only ate an apple, wanted to dirnk orange juice, and I watched on in fascinated horror as she and Debbie painstakingly squeezed the oil out of every fry.

They say it tastes nicer.

Right.

They say it's healthier.

Right.

I won't even go into my views on the whole topic.

But anyway somehow I ended up making a comment on one of the huge benefits of having a bf: whenever you want to ask him around/out at the last moment, chances are he'll always agree. Coz he'd rather cancel on his other commitments to be with you (point proven with Jo's bf).

Oh well, but if I haven't said it enough, I'm content being the way I am. Single, independent, and free. :)

Coz I'm prob gonna stay this way for a long long time.

Anyway will sleep early tonight. Have JC class outing + Hwa Chong homecoming carnival to attend tomorrow.

I'm going to sign up for AHM. Am thinking of competitive (tho I've never tried the route). Will not be going for Triathalon coz I STILL can't cycle. Bah.

Instruction: Bold whatever applies.

i have a cell phone.

i have friends who use me.

i am an only child.

i am a shopaholic.

i love dangly earrings.

i have smoked a cigarette before.

i love cold weather.

i'm obsessed with the computer.

i have shot a gun before.

i can't live without music.

i have no tolerance of ignorant people.

i have ridden on a motorcycle before.

i'll be in this town forever.

i've been to 5 other countries.

i get annoyed easily.

i eventually want kids.

i have neat handwriting.

i have more than a few horrible memories.

i am addicted to chocolate.

i am an atheist.

my parents are strict.

i love airplane rides.

i love taking pictures.

i hate girls who are fake.

i can be mean when i want to.

my parents care about my grades.

one of my best friends is a guy.

i have way too many purses.

i'm obsessed with lip gloss.

i am easy to talk to.

i would never eat raw fish.

i cry easily.

i hate when people are late.

i procrastinate.

i love winter.

i have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.

i love to sleep.

i wish i were smarter.

i'm afraid of flying.

i hate drama.

i bite my nails.

i have been on an 8 hour drive.

i never fight with my parents.

i love the beach.

i have never had the chicken pox.

i have gone out in public in my pajamas.

i can't control my emotions.

i have a best friend.

i haved moved more than once.

i truly love my friends.

i have/had braces.

i love to write.

i have never broken a bone.

i agree with racist people.

i hate my computer.

i love guys that play the drums.

i state the obvious.

i'm a happy person.

i love to dance.

i love to sing.

i love cleaning my room.

i tend to get jealous very easily.

i love cute underwear.

i have gotten high before.

i love night better than day.

i have been on the phone for over 5 hours at a time.

i don't like to study for tests.

i love God.

i am too forgiving.

i have horrible sense in direction.

i miss elementary school.

i have had a boyfriend before.

i'm a daddy's girl.

i love kisses on my forehead.

i love the color pink.

i love to sew.

my eye color changes.

i should see a therapist.

i played on a guys sports team.

i become stressed easily.

i hate liars.

i like comfy sweatpants.

i can play the piano.

i love the smell of rain.

i love my family.

i hate needles.

i am a perfectionist.

i always wanted to learn to play the drums.

i hate the feeling of failure.

i have friends in other countries.

i know how to cook.

i can be quite selfish.

at times, i still act like a little kid.

i have food allergies.

i love little kids.

i love to read.

i wish i were more motivated for school.

i love getting stuff in the mail.

i love summer.

i love the weekends.

i love black eyeliner.

i think i'm pretty.

i type with one hand.

i live in a one story house.

i wear make-up.

i have never rode on an underground subway.

i can't swim.

i have bad memory.

i go to church.

i sing in the shower.

i have never been camping.

i hate cheerleaders.

i usually get what i want.

i have been on stage before.

i love roller coasters.

no one knows my full story of my life.

i am close with my parents.

i don't have a curfew.

NO TIME TO WATCH MY LIFE FLASH BY

Thursday! Finally, one whole free day to myself. Can't believe how ecstatic I am. Muahaha.

Anyway the past 3 days have passed in a blurrr. When I told my parents I would be busy, they underestimated just how busy I would be.

1. Monday:

Pre-Flag Day/Canvassing Day for Rag & Flag. The day where desperate law students go to various law firm to beg for paltry sums of money. Had to wake up at the ungodly hour of 7 to get my butt down to Raffles Place MRT by 8.30am. David said he had something on, and no other counsellor turned up till after lunch, so I was effectively the only senior amidst my OG of donation-collectors. But even so, we managed to form a group of *10* people (which is considered huge) because a record number of 9 of my freshies turned up! I love my freshies. I can't say it enough, how proud I am of them. Guys like Azmin ready to drive down within 30 minutes of knowing tt there is canvassing on the morning itself. Or Alex and Jordan skipping hall orientation for canvassing (imagine tt). And basically everyone else who really did sacrifice almost 8 hours of their lives for this.

I hate canvassing. I hated it as a freshie, and I still hate it now. I'd been depending on more counsellors - or at least David - to come down because I had no confidence myself in teaching the freshies how to to collect donations. Yet my freshies were more than enthusiastic; they took the initiative all by themselves. They split themselves up into unsupervised groups; Nick became the de facto leader, and Angie and Grace were fantastic in talking to the companies' representatives. Even tho they were all new to rejection, they didn't lose their steam - they even happily went to non-law firms on their own initiative to get more $.

Of course, our collection was feeble. Law firms tend to be the most stingy, esp when canvassing is a twice-yearly affair for law fac, and Shenton Way firms are the WORST. Ironic t firms in poorer locations like Chinatown will be more generous than firms in posh offices. I mean, if you can hire a receptionist, you can damn well part with tt $2. At least.

2. Tuesday:

Met a friend for lunch around 11.30am. Had a free-tour of California Fitness Centre while I was at it. Tt place is amazing. I WANT. I WAAAAANT. I hate running on threadmills, I don't like the bike and the stairmaster, but all the weights I want are there. And all the classes I want are there. But $58 a month is SO not worth it... Argh.

Had interesting conversation with friend over lunch. Involved embarassing secret of freshie (not my OG) as well as certain fetishes. He speculates tt I have a thing for good bodies. Come to think of it, I have to admit tt yes, I have a thing for good bodies. It's double standards coz my body looks far from good, but honestly, muscles turn me on. That's why I like guys with broad shoulders, arms bigger than mine, and muscular (not stick) legs. I realise tt this is a bit hard to find in Singapore. Okay, quite lah. Unless I really do go for a body-builder (but like I'd said before; chances of them marrying their mirrors is higher). Oh well. Sad fact of life.

...

Anyway won't divulge much else of conversation. I have belief tt I will remain single for at least another 10 years. Apart from tt, after friend left early I went to while some time away window-shopping. Okay, ended up buying a Nike top tt I'd been seeing around for quite some time but had refrained from buying. I am turning WEAK. I love sportswear. Running shorts, Nike tops etc etc etc. Dammit I have to stop this.

Left for Harbourfront around 2.15pm. Met Guanzhen, Tenny, Keng Keong and later Terri in the carpark, then we headed over to Sentosa for our dry-runs.

Wah lau. Me and David weren't around for the all-important instructions to wear shoes. We paid dearly for it. For the record, I have 10 mosquito bites on my left foot (foot, not leg) alone and 7 on my right. KNNB. And I have even more on my legs and arms and hands. I tell you, Tuesday was a fucking scratch-fest for me. That was all I seemed to be doing. Even Tenny felt sorry for me.

On the upside, we got to learn Taiwanese Heart Attack. Muahaha. Damn fun. Especially saboeing David and KK. When KK keeps ALMOST-winning and then ultimately losing, all the Hokkien curse words start coming out. And then he and Paul keep saboing each other, it is so freaking hilarious.

The stations were good too, IMHO. The counsellors did a damn good job, even though there are a lot of improvements to be made. Me, Terri and Shin keep sticking together for the stations. Terri always forces herself in the middle, and I always try to make Shin go first (I'm evil). Not supposed to divulge too much, but nevermind. Soon all will come to light.

The downside was the waiting time. We were waiting so fucking much and I kept getting all my mosquito bites while waiting. And all tt excitement just faded to sian-ness after a while. We ended the entire day with a briefing at 3+am. By the time I got home and slept it was damn fucking late. Even got in trouble with the dad coz I told him not to wait up, but he insisted, and in the end at 2-something he called to scold me for not telling him where I was. Not too good coz I was so damn tired I was damn close to yelling at him on the phone.

In other news, I've come to realise tt even after you know you're completely over someone, sometimes the little stabs of wistfulness do surface every now and then when you see things tt remind you or what could have been, and maybe what you might have lost.

Wednesday:

I didn't sleep on Tuesday night. I had a 2 hour nap.

Woke up at 7.15am. Zhenyi called me on the phone. Apparently coz I'm on duty for dragonboat at the matric fair, and I have to help Zhenyi man the booth. Waste my fucking time. Came at 8am, the guys only came close to 9.30am, and the people only started coming in at 10am. I was still very tired, my eyes were bleary, and I was in a very dull mood.

The day was super dull as well. The only faculties for the day was SOC/Comp Engin in the morning, and Bizad/SDE in the afternoon. The former faculty has very few people, and is made up of 3/4 PRCs/Indians - and I'm a fucking kentang elistist anti-China Chinese xenophobe, and the latter faculty, tho more promising than the first, has too many Original Girls. I learnt for Zhenyi tt my dragonboat senior Yunshan and ex-captain Serene used to be Original Girls themselves, but my stand is tt there are Original Girls tt can be pirated (like them), and Original Girls tt are too-far gone.

Btw, when I mention Original Girls, I mean the ones who try to look like Taiwanese stars and absolutely will die from physical activity, get scared damn easily; the super-fragile got no spirit type girls. There are a lot of slim, pretty girls I know who are gung-ho and sporty. They run, they do track, they climb, they're damn onz, and the fact is tt these type of girls have an X-factor tt the really Original Girls lack (besides the fact tt these girls can be 'pirated'). That is why the HOTTEST girls (there is 'hot' and there is 'HOT') are always the slim, pretty ones who are sporty.

Meiping joined us for lunch, I played phamplet-girl/walked around the area looking for friends, and well, tt pretty much sums up my day. It was so boring I could just kill myself. I'm not good at this pulling-people-in-job coz I'm too prejudiced (I refrain from approaching PRCs and Original Girls), I don't introduce training enough, and I get tired too easily. Can't keep tt smile on my face for long. Ernest from the guys' team was actually more successful at sweet-talking girls into signing up. We would have made him our official female recruiter except for the fact tt he only recruits chio bus (i.e. Mango addicts), not our needed back-packers (the bigger, fitter ones).

I wish I could do matric fair duty on Friday instead when the Law people come in, so tt I can use my clout (or at least my connections with the freshies) to get them to sign their names on the sign-up list. Okay, so Law is too small to have many potential dragonboat girls, but I believe I really can get one or two to at least come for the first few trainings.

But unfortunately I found out tt I have to be stationed at LT 15 on Friday morning. :(

Besides tt, one of my teammates roped in my cousin Dee! She just messaged me last night saying tt she's coming for the Fun Row on Sun! How exciting!!! I want to have my cousin in Dragonboat too! She will make a damn good addition to the back-pack! Muahaha.

Went home for half-an-hour of shot-eye, then bought ice-cream from Venezia and headed for my OG bbq. Probably the highlight of my 3 days.

Almost everyone was there. Had a lot of fun. There was a lot of food, both cooked and to-be-cooked, a lot of dessert, and we played stupid games like tt Taiwanese Heart Attack.

Because I was so tired, I decided to abstain from any alcohol whatsoever. Unfortunately we had 2 rounds of a drinking game (Indian Poker), where 2 people helped sabo themselves. Me and David sabo-ed ourselves. I happily went to pour a lot of absolut mandarin into my cup. So imagine my shock when I realised tt I had to finish 3-4 shots worth of vodka in one gulp. And because David had been happily guzzling on Bailey's before, his forfeit made him damn high.

So there were 2 high people at the BBQ - both the OGLS of OG2. He started playing his guitar and singing for us. He started out with sappy songs like 'Now and Forever', and ended up making up songs about everyone. I started bursting into giggles/laughter at everything. Besides turning the colour of a lobster. Everyone looked horrified for me.

I love my freshies. Dammit I can't say it enough. Grace is so amazing to have planned all this and worked so hard for us. And the guys Alex, Azmin, Shang and Nick for having helped her with everything too. Everyone is so nice *sighz*. And Alex is damn funny. He keeps going "I like it. I like it a lot" in this way tt makes me just burst into laughter at everything. And Jordan has a amazing classical voice. He said he could sing Josh Groban, and when he sang 'Vincent' to David's guitar I finally saw why.

Got my dad to pick me up around 10.30pm coz I didn't trust myself enough to take a bus. Got a lecture from him about drinking. (Coz he doesn't know how much I usually drink).

Argh, Wed night was fun fun fun.

And now I have 1 free day to rest before Matric Week starts.

Yes.

WEEKENDS ARE FOR PUTTING YOUR FEET UP

I have a habit of resting my feet on my computer tower. Don't ask. My dad thinks it's only a matter of time before I get electrocuted. But I think it's not going to happen any time soon coz there's way too much insulation (plus my skin is thick. Either tt or fat doesn't combust easily. No wait,. Hold tt.)

Anyway I may be getting a week-end adoptive sister soon. On Saturday (that's yesterday) morning the parents and I took a drive down to a Children's Home coz my mom's been asked to take care of this child on weekends. Her name is Olsen and she's 12. Her mom died of cancer last year and her dad's in prison, and she need a wholesome loving family to redeem her faith in the human species. We haven't had the chance to meet her in person, but if all goes well, I'll be seeing her in the next 2 or 3 weeks.

I clocked around 22km in mileage the past 2 days. Was attempting to run 15km today but couldn't make it. Ended up taking a bus home (muahaha)... So I'd say around 12km? But damn slow pace. Not snail now, just tortoise. But I love my MP3 player. It's my constant companion. Unfortunately it's not an iPod. Just a Philips Nike. Can only hold a measly 50 songs. But I guess 50's enough for me. Love my playlist. Think Missy Elliot's 'Hurt Somethin' is a damn good running song.

Unfortunately, my running has been pretty much cancelled by my eating. There is NO WAY I can get a pretty waistline and abs and lose the thunder thighs and Hulk arms if I OD on $13.90 Japanese ala-carte buffet at Watari Japanese Restaurant on Peck Seah Street. That's right $13.90 for unlimited tempura prawns, california maki and shake maki, agedashi tofu, yakiniku beef, karage chicken, teriyaki chicken, chawanmushi and miso soup, and shake belly sashimi (ok ok. That was a separate order)... *waaahhh* ANd the best thing is tt right now I crave tom yam soup again. Fuck, maybe I'm pregnant. ARGH!!!

Last night while watching 'The Next Big Thing' on Channel U, it struck me tt ALL the S'porean girls on TV look like carbon-copies of Jolin Tsai. This FURTHER backs my point on why I despise Original Girls. Yuckz. What the hell man? I don't want to be associated with the common S'pore Girl anymore.

Speaking of which, tonight parents and I were having a discussion. Apparently S;pore girls are supposed to be the 'loosest' in Asia. You can fuck them after 1 date. My stand is tt the world is still a fucking chauvinistic place.When guys screw around it's socially acceptable. They're 'studs', 'virile', etc. But when girls do the same thing they're 'loose', 'cheap' and whores'. If I had my way I'd pass some bill on tt. Prob in a section close to the one about castrating rapists and sexual offenders.

...I hope I get a hall soon. Right now I'm quite worried. My parents have already told me tt when school starts all my 'activities' stop. And if they knew about how late my dragonboat trainings on Tues and Thurs end they might either ban me from training or make me quit the team. If I don't get a hall I don't know what I'm going to do. Fuck this sucks.

Had a lot on my mind to blog about but right now I can't remember a single thing. Oh well. Till I have more to write about.

"MY FAVOURITE JAPANESE FOOD IS NABE."

According to Mark, there is a Japanese dish known as nabe. Or apparently, kaninabe (altho Martin says it's really 'kaminabe'; 'kami' meaning paper and 'nabe' meaning steamboat).

My mom has a habit of telling people what food I like. Because I eat so damn much (just ODed on chocolate and coconut coated marshmallows, and for lunch had dah mee and braised frog legs in claypot with black pepper sauce *yum*), she can say anything. She can say "My daughter likes to eat Italian food." She can say "My daughter likes to eat Korean food." She can even say "My daughter likes to eat Japanese food."

In fact, on Thursday night tt was what she said. And then the usual answer is "Oh really. What type of Japanese food?"

I used to hem and haw and throw out 'Sushi. Sashimi. Tempura. Ramen. Unagi don. Etc etc etc.'

From now on, I shall say, "Nabe."

BUT anyway, back to last night. Met Mark for dinner after my run, at Borders. A few things, such as my deciding to clear some heavy and long-overdue emotional baggage in the late morning, my watching of Ella Enchanted (ONLY because they didn't have a suitable timing for Mean Girls), my insanely-long run (which was a horror for me coz I had probloems sustaining my pace... and NO. Pain while running does NOT appeal to me), and later having my MOM fetch me down to Orchard coz I'd realised I'd forgotten to take my handphone with me there... ON THE BUS, having to take another bus home and subsequently wasting 20 min...

And I actually got to Borders on time.

So anyway we ate dinner at Borders Bistro. I had a BEEFY LASAGNE coz I wanted meat. Like, MEAT. Yummy meat. Not heavy meat like beef steak, but def beefy. And lasagne was the only beefy thing on the menu. Muahaha. Mark had seafood pizza. And we both had beer - ordered my Erdinger even though it's damn ex there. I figured the diff in price between a standard beer and a premium is about 4 bucks, so since I'm drinking (once in a long while), I might as well enjoy it. Besides, Erdinger happens to be a beer tt when poured right, has a nice foamy head at the top. So you can always turn to the person opposite you and exclaim in all delight: "Ooh. I love head."

Anyway Mark and I have very good conversation. Okay, you can sort of guess from the content in this entry what kind of conversation we normally have, but tt's just part of it. Seems we've come a long way from my sweet, innocent SC girl with the 'tiny waist' (his words, not mine, although I appreciate the compliment considering tt now I HAVE NO WAIST!!!) and his not-so-innocent Chinese High boy (yes, he of the obscene khaki shorts variety) to uh... where we are now. Yet throughout, it still feels like nothing has changed. A year in Cambridge hasn't given him a pretentious English accent (only one he turns on and off at will, which is a good thing tt he can turn it off at will because everytime he turns it on I go into an epileptic fit of laughter). It hasn't turned him gay (...hmm). It hasn't corrupted him too much (then again there wasn't tt much to further corrupt). But he seems an even better companion now than he was before. :P

Anyway without delving into too much of the details of convrsation, we went from Borders to Swensen's for my promised Earthquake. And talked somemore, laughed somemore, and I don't know whether it was the alcohol-high, the sugar-high, the happy-high or all three combined, but I'd never laughed so hard in a long time. At this rate I think I'll have to introduce beer into every one of my future outings. :P

Ooh, and there were a lot of inane moments too. Mark's the only person whom I can announce to tt:

I THINK YEO SHENGLONG IS SEXY.

"What?!"

Seriously. The moment he opens his mouth I just wanna rrrrriiiiiippppp his clothes off. *meeeowwww*

(Okay, I have a feeling tt Sheng is going to spend the rest of his waking life avoiding me from now on. :) )

...And then there were the lame jokes, like:
1. What is the most desirable man on a nudist colony?
Ans: A man who can carry 2 cups of coffee and 12 doughnuts.

2. What is the most desirable woman on a nudist colony?
Ans: A woman who can swallow all 12 doughnuts.

3. What is the similarity between a woman and a tornado?
Ans: They both start off with a little blow, then they come wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car with them.

You get the picture. See ya next week Marky-Mark. I have found my fellow traumatising/traumatised companion to take back to the Hwa Chong Carnival and laugh at everyone there.

Muahaha.

Bukit Timah Road to Farrer Road - 15 min

Farrer Road to Halland Road - 15 min

Holland Road to Sixth Avenue - 15 min

Sixth Avenue to Bukit Timah Road - 15 min

Approx 2.5km per 15 min.

I think I'm close to planning my AHM route... Will expand distance to include Botanical Gardens and Clementi/Ulu Pandan Road when am fitter.

(4.29am - ADDING ON)

Was in a rush when I added this entry. Was going to do calculations. First time running the Farrer/Holland route. Had been wanting to check timing, esp coz my usual route = Old Holland Road (15 min) - Ulu Pandan Road (10 min) - Clementi Road (20 min) - Bukit Timah Road (bt 15). That about adds up to an hour (though I always run over coz I spend 5 - 10 min getting a drink + walking while drinking).

Assuming my current route is about 10km, I would plot my new route from Bukit Timah - Farrer - Holland - Ulu Pandan - Clementi - Bukit Timah - approx 95 min in total and around 15 km. So, once I familiarise myself with new Farrer/Holland - and get my damn fitness back coz 4 days of non-running takes so fucking much away from you you want to cry sometimes -, I'll graduate to the 95 min route (but I'll prob give myself say... 2hours... Can nua a bit, buy water etc. I'm such a slacker).

After tt, I'll plan my route from Bukit Timah to bypass Farrer for Cluny Road thru Botanic Gardens instead. I don't know the time to run through it yet, but I anticipate 5min + 20 min through BG. If I come out at Gleneagles, I'll prob take another 15 min at least to get back to Holland and the Farrer junction. Bao1 gao4 liao4. My 21km route def settled already.

BUT that comes a lot LATER. Must be fit first. Must be DAMN fit first.

Am not fit yet. Bah. Sucks.

Oh btw, to the people wondering why I am so bloody disciplined, my explanation is easy. You know how people generally want 1 thing the most in their lives, like love or affection or even power. If they can't get it they sub it for something like sex or money or even material things.

For me, fitness/running is my 'thing'/'sub thing'. It has tt much importance to me and I take a perverse pride in running my knees into disuse. I'm not tt good a runner; I don't have Track experience, nor a good timing. But running makes me feel good, fitness gives me an added physical edge over others (even though at this point in time I have NO WAIST, let alone a tiny one. :( ), and having goals like AHMs and Half-Marathons give me something constructive to think about and move towards rather than all the negative stuff that my overactive mind comes up with.

So, a further look into the twisted murky psyche of Izzy Tan.

...On a side note, quite a few (ex-)Humanz bloggers have actually replied to my 'Is there Life after Humanz?' entry. Interestingly, answers range depending on intepretion of question (which was actually rhetorical, but it goes to show anything can be answered. Muahaha). Thank you for many interesting replies and different facets. I understand all, I appreciate views, some I can apply, some I don't have the heart or courage too. Maybe I should stop being an elitist snob, but then again... I like being an elitist snob for now. Will discuss issue further when am able to disengage myself from cynical narcissism (acknowledgement of someone :) ). But right now already have too much on my plate without adding more.

Fuck, headache acting up somemore. Will go back to sleep now. Tomorrow will blog about Mark and nabe. :)

TWO FREE DAYS

Would you believe it? My these 2 days are free. Or rather, my Thursday was completely free and today my morning/afternoon is free. And I have no one to go out with. Muahaha. Everyone wants something next week or the week after, where I see it I'm so fucking busy I don't even know if I have time to come back for dinner with the parents (which I try to at least twice to three times a week).

Slacking at home is good, if done once in a while. For me, it's especially good coz I haven't had the chance to slack at home. Yesterday I watched "Goodbye Lenin!". The lead actor reminds me a little of Ashton Kutcher. I would say the film has interesting aspects to it; it has comedy in the garish in-your-face exhibition of globalisation in the Coke adverts and the lead character's sister marrying a West German she'd met while working at Burger King, and having sexual fantasies consisting of Bollywood-style dancing. This is heightened by the contrast as the lead character frantically strives to hide all the marks of capitalisation from his mother. At the same time there is tragedy in all this, in the fact tt he has to hide so much from his mother, in the naive way she is closed off from change and sticks adamantly to her past. And how even after witnessing the truth of German globalisation on the streets, she is still convinced tt nothing has changed and dies thinking tt her beloved Germany is still a socialist state.

I've also been doing a lot more thinking. As usual. I realise tt my most contreversial entries are the ones tt occur when I fill my blog with what's in my head. That's when I get the most comments, the most misunderstandings, the most occurences of people asking if I'm ok. The truth is, I AM ok. What I put on my blog is simply a reflection of what goes on in my head... And it's not tt I've never thought before, it's just tt in the past I keep things to myself. But I believe tt this blog - *my blog* - is an outlet where I can put what's in my head from thought to written word, for me to achieve what I want out of the process - Clarity. I don't believe in self-censorship. I know tt as more people read my blog, I am consciously practising it, keeping certain things out, keeping certain names out, keeping certain thoughts and feelings out, etc.

But at the end of the day, it's still my blog. People who read this shouldn't have a problem with what I write, because if they do, then they have a problem with what I think and/or feel. And if tt's the case, people shouldn't be complaining to me tt I bitch or whine or malign in my blog. They should be asking me directly: What problem I have with them. In my head, in my heart. My blog isn't to be value-judged. It isn't about good or evil. It is merely a tool to convey what I really think or feel. And very simply, if people have problems with my blog, then I suggest they stop reading.

After all, see no evil, hear no evil. Ignorance is bliss and all tt shit.

Anyway nope, tt wasn't the thinking. This was the thinking.

To all who have suspected it, I will confess it.

I AM ESCAPING MY PAST.

Or rather, I don't like revisiting the past. Will, Edward, I will prob come for the Hwa Chong Carnival after all. I want to have a look at my class 1 last time before it is invaded by little boys in white shirts and ugly khaki shorts. I want to visit the Taekwondo room 1 last time, stained with my blood and my tears, witness to my moments of happiness, jovialness, and pain, where I had the greatest soul-searching conversations with my brother. I want to punch tt punching bag one more time, see if the blood stains are still on it, see if it can still cause my knuckles to scrape and tear the way it used to. I want to visit the canteen again, where I used to eat my fave wanton mee with 2 or 3 scoops of chilli just for the hell of it, where we used to while our mornings away over cups of kopi and dou hua before assembly. The infamous school field, polluted year-in year-out by ketchup and flour from orientation, where the grass dies for 6 months and replenishes just in time for the following year's orientation. The passageways tt we used to walk from lecture to tutorial, or to run across (in my case) to avoid a certain Chinese teacher when skipping her lessons to nua somewhere or go for a movie. The library in tt space-ship structure where I spent my last month leading up to the A-Levels... doing Maths in the little booths away from everyone else. As always, studying with people but always on my own, before lunch at Adam Road hawker centre. And the Teacher's Room, a place I would rather die before stepping into, yet have done so so many times in the month leading up to the A-Level, looking for my Maths teacher Mrs. Lim for my 'one-hour Maths remedial'. Everyday.

You were right. Hwa Chong does hold many memories for me. From ridiculous council dances to the demonstrations performed for Open House, to just time chillin' with the class. Yet, before I wasn't keen to know, keen to find out. I've never been a sentimental fool. You might call me an ingrate, but I've never developed enough of a connection to people and/or things to miss them, to want to visit them again.

Ironically, now I want to go back to Hwa Chong. But the catch is, I don't want to go back in a group. There will be a class gathering to the college next Saturday, but I forsee tt even if I meet them there, I don't want to walk around everywhere with them. I don't forsee walking. I forsee standing around somewhere and passing lame comments. I want someone who I can just walk with who will not pass lame comments or inquire about my life now. I want someone who will bring me around to the places in HC that he/she had his/her fondest memories and tell me and show me what they are. I want to be able to do the same; show he/she where my fave hang-outs were and what I would miss most about the school.

I'm an extreme person. It's always all or nothing for me. If I'm going back for reminiescence, then it's damn well going to be reminiscenece. I don't ever SETTLE. That's not my style.

People-wise... Someone told me recently tt I still have the same complex problem I had back in JC. I worry too much about what people think. I have to reconcile with myself before I can reconcile with others. Ironically this was the same thing said to me then, and only 1 person has said tt to me. Unfortunately it's true, but as far as I can see although I reconciled the older issues with myself, I developed newer ones instead. Maybe I'll always have something to reconcile with myself, which is why I foresee I may never be truly happy or content. The same person also advocates the existence of 1 confidante, someone who will hear you and listen to you and understand you and talk to you/cajole/advise/counsel for every single person. It may or may not be the other half - depending if you have one - but usually it is. I realise tt I have not had a confidante for a very long time. Maybe tt's why I've become more detached if anything. I know many but I'm close to a few and at this point in time, not even tt chummy with anyone.

I blame you for it. I guess sometimes when you want to cut someone out of your life, you should do it fully. Avoids misunderstandings and bitterness and sadness etc. Don't do the half-way thing with me coz I only reserve half-ways for people I don't value enough, or people who don't know me enough to know what I'm like. If you know what I'm like, you'll know what I mean and why I'm asking what I am. Don't do the diplomacy thing coz I see right through it.

Maybe tt's why there's all tt bitterness and anger and negativity tt I can't seem to truly exorcise. Debiao sent me an SMS telling me tt happiness is a choice, not a chance. I made a conscious choice to stop trying to be happy (coz it wasn't working and I wasn't going to consciously try and fool myself anymore), and to just let the true feelings show. It hasn't made me feel any better tho.

I hate catch-22s. I knew I should have shunned Law and just forced my dad to send me to Aussie to study psychology. :P

Okay, enough ranting. I don't even know what I'm getting at anymore. Figure I'll just go catch a movie solo, then come back and run (for the first time in a WEEK!!! Fuck, I am getting so unfit and fat tt it sucks (yes. I have a complex problem. If I don't run I feel FAT and UNFIT, so the female whinging thing about weight WILL come into play when I don't exercise - which is why I CANNOT stop. Otherwise I'll have 1 more thing to be unhappy with myself about), and then meet Marky-Mark for dinner and Earthquake at Swensen's. Muahaha.

I'm good.

Right.

THE DAY IT TURNS AROUND

My bad mood has lifted. Finally. Maybe I can just put it down to PMS at an especially bad patch. But before tt, got this off Mich's blog:

Guys: Heed the warning
Gals: The secrets are exposed!

Women's keywords and their meaning.



"Fine": This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but need to shut the man up. Men will never be allowed to end a sentence with the word "fine" and just walk away, this word is for the sole use of women in this context. Oh, and by the way, (refer to the definition of "Oh" below), NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks, or in about "five minutes" (see below also), you will hear the word "Fine" followed by silence.

"Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an even trade.

"Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (with normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

A Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

A Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

"Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, I talked to John about what you two were doing last night". If she says "Oh, by the way" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. When she is done tossing your clothes out the window, she will tell you that she is "Fine" but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as a question, as in, "Oh??!!" usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a Raised Eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

"That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retribution for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often combined with the word "Fine" and accompanied by the Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point, probably without warning, in either the near or distant future (time holds no significance here), you are going definitely going to remember this initial moment and regret it. More than likely you will regret it more than once over the duration of your relationship.

"Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" scenario.

"Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

"Thanks A Lot": This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the

"Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing"....see paragraph one.

What I want to highlight here is not how true/accurate or valuable it is for guys to know this piece of information. What I want to say - forgive me fellow members of our species is this - WHY must we women be so bloody fucking complicated? If we have a problem, then for goodness sakes why can't we just SAY IT/ Why must we hem and haw and then throw a huge prissy fit when the guy doesn't understand us? Let's face it. Assume guys are thick (or tt they will pretend to be even when they're not). Why make life so bloody difficult for everyone by acting so prissy? I personally do not advocate such behaviour. Although I admit tt I may on occasion be guilty of this, but I try my best not to be, because it's fucking hypocitircal and unfair and damn bloody bitchy to do this to anyone. Which is why I have a problem with women who are guilty of such behaviour too.

Ridiculous.

Anyway back to whatever I was saying, today was the day it all turned around. Special thanks to Wanyi, Sue and Ian for the kind SMSes that they sent me last night and this morning to ask how I was holding up and to tell me to chill, and to the wonderful people who left messages on the tag board, Will, Junjie *waves to JJ* and April... thanks... And April what you say makes sense. It's just tt I'm guilty of still harbouring too much faith in the human species. Essentially I peg everyone to the standards and expectations I set for myself, and belatedly I've come to realise tt not many people are able to meet those standards or expectations.

Oh well. Too bad so sad.

Anyway back to today. Today was Meeting with NUS President + Victory Lunch with the girls. Muahaha. Yesterday night I was so damn tired I crashed - and I mean system-shutdown type dead-to-the-world will-perish-in-earthquake type crash before 11pm. Woke up this morning at 7am and couldn't get back to sleep. Wahaha. Would have gone for a run but it was fucking raining!!! So just nua-ed in bed. Left the house before 11am to get my Law Year 2 books from a senior - specifically Ryan's friend this guy Yuan1 Yuan3 whom I thought was called Yuan2 Yuan2 (round round). 5 books for $220. Have a feeling it's a rip-off but I'm more of a convenience than bargain-pusher.

After tt went from Law Lib to Arts Canteen carrying both my books as well as they gifts for Irene, Peiwen, Serene, Boonchin and Yunshan tt I'd painted the nights before so tt the rest of the girls could personalise them. Wah lau damn heavy. The books were more weights than I'd ever carried since training ended. Fortunately Johnny was there. Muahaha. Evil me pa-katted with Johnny (ok, not really. More like very nicely requested) to have him keep my books for me in his hall coz later after the Victory Lunch we'd be having a team outing that had been orgranised by self and Wendy (aka the long-labouring Welfare ICs of dragonboat). I'd actually planned to pass him the books after lunch, but he took them the moment he came and just carried them all around with him even tho they were super heavy.

Damn nice lah. :) Thank you Johnny!

Apparently coz every dragonboater has a uniform top to wear, we had to change into these white polo tees sponsored by NUS. Which were DAMN UGLY. They were HUGE - guys' size - I was SWIMMING in my M, white with blue collar and 'teamNUS' with a tiny 'dragonboat' on one side. Bloody hell. When the guys wear it they look ok coz it's more or less fitting. When WE wear it the bloody shirts are so bloody big tt like Vic and Cheeling say, we all look like canteen aunties. Or rather most of us look like canteen aunties and Cheeling looks like the foodcourt auntie.

"Char kuay teow or cai peng anyone?"

We move off from Arts Canteen to Guild House for the Lunch Meeting with Prof Shih. Lunch. What can I say about it? Besides the supremely orrrbit white polos (and these obiang orange teamNUSdragonboat supporters shirts tt we had to fork out $5 for because the guys had somehow got it in their heads tt everyone needed one even tho these tacky orange shirts I will only reserve for bedtime/intra-hall usage (provided I get a hall next sem) and future orientation camps (when it's time to get wet or dirrty)), we have a SEATING PLAN tt places 2 girls with 7 guys and 2 VIPs at 4 out of the 5 tables, we have to line up in a U-shaped line with 1 girl in-between 2 guys like Primary School kids to shake all the VIPs hands (and contend with weak handshakes and someone grunting the words"Ah, good" to every single person whose hand he shook), and we have speeches by some guy I've never seen who went on and on about strategizing about NUS' Dragonboat and turning last year's loss into a victory. Funnily enough, I have never seen that guy nor heard any word of any such strategy or motivation. And from the looks of the guys next to me, it seems nor have they.

Prof Shih gives a speech, and then we get treated to a slideshow of photos from our race. It's mainly shots of the guys (naturally), but where the girls concerned it's mainly shots of us crying and hugging and crying and hugging and crying somemore. Good memories those were tho. If ONLY the bloody background music weren't quite so cheesy. I had to keep looking down to prevent people from seeing tt smug smirk on my face tt barely kept my laughter in check.

Food was... well. Conversation at my table was mainly corny lame stuff said by the 2 VIPs to 2 guys at my table. I don't think it's even worth mentioning coz it really was crap. Don't know how he could consider wanting to manufacture a lighter streamlined dragonboat with a motor (?!), or what the whole obsession with increasing the number of spectators for the PM Cup next year is. And with regards to the comment tt that obiang orange spectator's shirt is 'beautiful', is it diplomacy or is it just sheer absolute no taste-ness??? When I heard it, I shot Vic this Look and it was all both of us could do to keep from laughing.

I was being a little of a bitch/bimbo. Or rather, making conversation difficult for the guys beside me. When Zhe Yang on my left tried to open conversation with why my name was spelt with an 'o', I told him it was because my parents didn't want me named after the Spanish queen Isabella who was infamous for ordering people beheaded. That was true of course, but tt REALLY shut him up. I bet he thought I was psycho. Muahaha. That was fun. And then when the milk came in a teapot, I checked it out to see if it was tea or milk, and then one of the guys asked, "Shi4 bu2 shi4 niu2 nai? (is tt milk?)"

And I instinctively replied, "No. It's milk."

His reply, "Isn't milk and niu2 nai3 the same thing?"

WAAAHHH!!!!! EXPOSED! Ultimate bimbo! My weak excuse: "Paiseh. I think in 1 language only."

Ooh. But it seems tt at each table, all the guys put Equal into their coffee/tea. Eyeryone else uses normal white sugarrrr.

Anyway the moment the lunch is over, we hurry to change out of the orrrbit canteen-vendor polos. From there we leave for Orchard by bus, and on the way deliberate what shifts to take for Matric Fair. Apparently Friday - the day of Medfac, Music and Law Matriculation is considered "capalang day" by Yunshan. She says it's a day where we can shake legs coz no girls will prob want to sign up.

I retorted: "Hey, *I* signed up on a Fri."

But she replied, "But Law has a lot of Original Girls."

I asked, "What are 'original girls'?"

I found out tt 'original girls' is the term we give to the girly-girls i.e. the fair stick-thin girls who have neither the strength nor the inclination to ever even consider something like dragonboat, yet alone join it. I have to concede tt Law does have a lot of such 'Original Girls'. But then again, on Wed my shift day, I'll be encountering Bizad girls too, and according to Cheeling they're pretty 'Original Girls' too. :( We can only hope.

Anyway apparently Prof Shih had a lot of things to say to Grace our new captain (or rather to Sean and Zili, but the info applies to us too) regarding the team. It seems there are a lot of suggestions to make training more condusive for us (everything is different when you hold Gold in your hands), ranging from buying our own dragonboat getting us priority in hall (apparently PGP, which is under the direct admin of OSA) to a better gym etc. There were also suggestions regarding recruitment, all of which were discussed in some detail. But more later. It seems the team may actually be able to get more things done this year than last. And no matter how much a of a bitch NUSSU is to us, they aren't going to be able to intimidate us anymore.

Anyway after some time, we then reach Cine, where after a long time of deliberating between KTV, nua-ing and eating some more, playing pool and watching a movie... you guessed it.

We KTV.

KBox at Cine. 4th floor this time. Crammed 12 people into 1 room for 4 hours. It was the usual. A whole bunch of Chinese songs followed by a whole bunch of English songs. But today it was different. It was DAMN FUN!!! I got to sing An1 Jing4 (even though I can only sing the chorus, but Wendy helped me with the verses), Ren2 Sheng1 Hai2 Hai3 (same as An1 Jing4) and the usual Peng2 You3. Vic indulged me by singing My Sacrifice with me.

But it was a lot a lot of fun. We didn't sing. We sang BADLY. A lot of it was on purpose. We'd make it really loud or sometimes we'd include actions, or sometimes we'd choose a ridiculous song like Christina Aguilera's 'I Turn To You' or Linkin Park's 'In The End' (which Wendy and I rapped to like idiots) and just whack. Wendy sang this S.H.E song about 'Cats' or something and everyime she couldn't read a Chinese character she called it 'blahblah' and Irene was sent into her usual peals of unending laughter. She was still laughing at tt song *2* songs later. :P We sang a lot of songs, or tried to, or chilled as others sang. We ate the tidbits so quickly coz it was free-flow, so it came down to the calling of tidbit refills every *5* minutes (and I kid you not) at one point. We rapped/sang to the Black Eyed Peas 'Where is the Love?' and 'Shut Up', we helped William Hung massecre 'She Bangs' - complete with toneless singing and hand-actions, we sang Britney Spears coz her MTVs were original (i.e. no prancing women or scenic shots of MacRitchie) and we even finished our session with a bang - Backstreet Boys' 'Get Down'. "Get Down Get Down and Move it all around..."

So bad tt it was good.

Had a late dinner at Marche after tt. Me ate the deep-fried soft shell crab with extra sour cream (yum) and later, had 2 scoops of ice-cream. After tt, we split and went our seprates ways home coz 1. Wendy was Itchy. 2. Geox wanted to catch The Amazing Race. 3. A lot of them were also tired. 4. I was conteing with a headache.

So here I am now, at home and for the first time in almost a week, feeling happy again. :)

Go me. Go dragonboat girls. Go Anti-Original Girls. I'm so glad to be a part of you.

In other notes, I'm wondering how my OG did. I have a huge amount of faith in Grace and Nick. They took over the roles of David and I spectacularly, and the rest of my OG has been incredibly onz and supportive of them. People like Angeline Jordan and Shang I just KNOW will not let us down. Nick said tt the skit went wonderfully, and I fully believe him. Anyway even tho I feel quite bad for not being around for them, I know tt they can handle it. Albert and April are both amazingly dependable (esp since I'm rarely ever around), so I guess my OG will do great. I am blessed. Can't wait to see them on Mon - even if I personally wish I had a bit more rest time, esp with BOTH Law Matric and dragonboat running concurrently.

I also hope tt David gets through his auditions. :) Hope to be able to celebrate with him and the OG next week, and see him on TV soon. Will foresee a lot more fun tt way. :) Yay.

Sleepy time.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't even know what to title this blog entry. I'm not even going to try. Right now at this point in time, 20 July 2004, I'm feeling the same was I did as on 15/16 March 2004 -2 days before my TH Dance Concert.

I'm tired. Exhausted. Drained. I've developed an aversion to the human species. At this very moment I want to crawl into a hole and curl up and disappear, away from people. I don't want to be around crowds anymore. I don't want to plaster a smile on my face that never reaches my eyes because I know it's a fucking fake. I don't want to have to worry or apologize for the fates and actions of everyone else just because. I don't want to encounter practical lack of common sense. It never fails to surprise me how the most intelligent people can just lack basic common sense. I don't want to encounter self-pity or self-absorption or self-righteousness. My own self-centredness is perfectly all right with me because I stick it on this blog. If you're here, you're voluntarily reading about my life. I'm not there physically trying to stuff my life down your throat. I'm not there trying to get you to praise or pity me. You could turn me out with a snap of the finger.

I'm just so tired. I wish I'd stayed in my state of apathy instead of caring, if only for 3 days more. They know I'm tired, the people who see me in person. There is no spark in my eyes, there is none of that 'highness'. I'm not saying anything, I'm not doing anything unless I have to, I just want to be alone.

Or I wish I had a giant bazooka and I'd run down Orchard Road doing a Columbine High and then blowing myself to smithereens.

IS THERE LIFE AFTER HUMANZ?

We're drifting. Don't deny it, I can't anymore. So maybe on the surface we're happy, we're talking about the same things again. And again. And again... But somehow that's where it stays.

Have been asking other people, speaking to other people from the past and the present. But drifting is just past the point of sadness when it hits inevitability. It's the way it is with all of us, not just you and me.

When we get together we talk about the same things over and over and over again. We seem stuck in the past, stuck in this period from so long ago where we still wore brown factory worker uniforms and laughed to each other about beating the system and sneaking out of classes. We talk about the same peopl and the same tutors and wonder if they're the same or different.

And I wonder why.

Is our lives really so sad now tt we can't ask each other about how it is? Who are current friends are? What it is tt we do? Have we gone so far tt the past is all that binds us together, or were we never tt close to begin with? Were we just tt: strangers from different lives brought together by circumstance? Huddled together to avoid the politics, the competition, the wayang tt is associated with elitism? The double-facedness, the cliquish-exclusivity, the bitter disillusionment of the elite in the Singapore education system?

We are just so diverse... And past meetings have shown just how different we are. How we think, how we view things, what has happened in our lives. Why can't we be honest? Why can't we just acknowledge tt life after Humanz isn't just Humanz again and again and again. When we leave each other for such a long period of time why do we kid ourselves with all this reunions? So we can relive bitching about Barnard and the PPP and why historians are superior to geographers because we've got Polo breaks and geographers can only colour coastlines? So we can pretend how we knew who was going to Oxford and Cambridge and Yale and congratulate ourselves on the backs for having done so well in whichever paths we have chosen to take?

I've never been sentimental. I've never had any inclination to visit Hwa Chong or the tutors. It's never really bothered me tt the Humanz tradition will be no more in 2 years. Yes, we made many many good memories tt will stay with me for as long as I live. Yes, Humanz was one hell of experience, and I'd say it was the best time of my life. I've made many close friends and I've gotten to know a few even better since.

But face it. Life goes on. Life doesn't stop in the past. We've moved on, we've gone our separate ways, experienced different lifestyles and cultures and have grown differently. We have changed. Even if we were psychologically the same person we were in the past, the reaction of tt psyche with different circumstances has produced people who have been changed, scarred, molded into for better or worse, what we are now.

Time for tt reality check. Hwa Chong Carnival 31 July 2004. Should I or shouldn't I?

*********************************************************

IN OTHER NEWS...

Besides tt, today was lots and lots of fun.

Yeah right.

Met Yuwei for lunch. Now lunch was good. Had red ruby + burbor cha cha campur (mixed) and heard her mush abt her 'not-there other half' (okay, those are my words). Then went shopping with her in valiant attempt to look for knock-out clothes for Wed (failed. Mango has quote unquote 'nonsense tops'), although I ended up buying 2 pairs of black pants from G2000 (MORE working/clubbing/formal dining/all-purpose pants for me!) and a pair of blue/yellow strippy plastic slippers from esprit tt I so did NOT need but bought anyway coz dragonboat somehow ruins my slippers by turning them black with Kallang seawater + gravel. I also have multi-coloured fingernails (tt I 'proudly' showed off to my parents tonight) from her trying out of red earth nailpolish. On me. Riiiiiight.

After tt, I sai 'bye bye' to her sometime before 3pm and headed down to Bras Brasah complex to buy my glass paint. Art Friend NEVER fails to amaze me even after all these years. I swear you can find almost any art material here. Poster, acryllic, oil, charcoal, glass paint, fabric paint, all sorts of markers, all sorts of papers, all sorts of stencils scissors boards backings papers etc etc etc.. Art Friend is like the 1-stop cure-all for all your artistic starvation.Of course, Art Friend is not cheap. But then again when is art ever cheap?

Anyway I'm not done. I walked for 3 hours. 3 hours of window-shopping, all by myself. Of course, it's not tt unenjoyable because I'm happy with my own company and I can pop into a bookshop and just read, or pop into HMV and browse through the CDs/movies (Yes. The card came out again for VCDs of 'Goodbye Lenin!' and 'Jeux d'Enfants'). I can prop myself at a bench or just walk about reeeaaaalllly slowly to people-watch, I can look at clothes tt appeal to me (which incidentally does not often appeal to everyone else).

However, 3 hours is hell for the feet.

I'm so glad when I finally meet Yanli (and later Hsien) for dinner at Sakae sushi. I never realised how possible it is to eat $25 worth of sushi till tonight. Scaaary man. After dinner we walk around Isetan getting Hsien to try on pretty cheerleading-pink skirts and tight white tops, and later adjourning from there to Far East Plaza. But by the time Yanli decides between a white halter dress and a white tube dress, it's kinda late. So Yanli and I take the bus home together.

Parents bought orh luak and cheng tng back for supper. But I was so bloody full man. Had a nice discussion with them tho. Mom was telling me tt when she was speaking to the hawker selling the orh luak, he was telling her tt he was glad to be at Newton rather than at Gluttons' Square because the monthly rent of *one* stall set up there - the carpark is state property., so guess who revenue goes to - is $7500. This is in contrast to the monthly rent at Newton which is $1500. Even tho the hawkers there can sell hundreds to even thousands of plates of food per night, they shorten their lives and for how much profit exactly?

Also, my mom's words of wisdom for the night: "Chap1 siao1 yi3 ke4 si4." (Teochew for "heck care them go and die"). :P My mom is a gem. Muahaha.

I have just received word from an uncredited source, aka Miss Regina Wong Hsien Hui, that my blog entries have caused a stir of worry among my blog-reading close friends (I do not allude to the permanent traumatisation of other blog-readers however).

So in response, I just want to say, that if 90% of my entries are based on fact, then there is still that elusive 10% based on my overactive imagination.

The difference between fact and fiction is however, for me to know, and for you to find out.

Cheers. :)

MEETING WITH AH SENG

Damn shagged lah. Ran - YES!!! I HIT THE 60 MINUTE MARK FINALLY!!!!! - and went for wedding dinner of son of father's friend.

And guess what??? Damn qiao3. Behind my table was WONG KAN SENG!!! He shook my hand! He remembered me from last year and he made conversation with me! And before he left he said 'goodnight' to my mom.

I love Wong Kan Seng. :) My future boss.

Yayz. Me happy.

Finally.

I HOPE I DANCE

I haven't run for 2 days, and I have finally made my macaroni and cheese, which is not too bad for a first try, except tt it's a little on the salty side coz I added too much salt without first tasting my food.

Apart from tt, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Not tt I don't think normally coz I *do*, trust me, especially when it's bath-time or before I sleep at night (which is why it takes me an average of 2 hours just to fall asleep), but these few days it's been a little more... Okay, or rather, a little less about my friends and family and current short-term life, but rather, bigger things.

Ironically this was all sparked of by my taking of a quiz about what my dominant emotion was. My dominant emotion is "Apathy" - which is why my blog title is a demotivator line. I would say the quiz is prety accurate, because that's the way I've been approaching a lot of things in my life thus far. Something goes wrong? Whatever. Fix it. Someone offends me? Don't care. I'll get over it. Friend not worth the friendship? Cut. Not worth it.

It's a very "Problem? Then fix it. Can't fix it? Then accept it and move on." "Don't sweat the small stuff." "Don't be bothered, dont' care." kind of approach. If I have a tagline attached to me it's probably "Fuck It." There isn't even anger. There's... nothing.

I wonder why? Maybe it's because I've expanded too much energy feeling, being upset, being bothered, tt I've forced myself to stop caring and taking a lasseiz-faire approach to life. If I can't do anything about anything or anyone, then I don't bother to. It's not my problem or my life anymore.

Instead, I'm channeling my energies towards so-called "bigger things". "Bigger things" in terms of time and space. My world, my future. Have been following a little bit of political discussions. I neevr realised just how insulated some people could be until the political discussion some of my OG2 members had a few days back, when they said tt the government was doing a fantastic job and tt Singapore was "doing well". The unemployment rate stands at 4.8%, which is above our national average at a full employment rate. The economy is obviously doing better than it was a few years back, but things aren't perfect. So maybe we don't feel it coz we're the bourgeoisie, the upper middle-class. We get by on our parents' money, spending $50 a day easy without feeling the pinch. We have our Visa minis and DBS Blacks supp cards and we buy Nikes and adidas and Mangos like we don't care. Of course we don't feel it. It's like what my parents say. "It's all right if you earn $8000 a month and have only 1 kid to support. But what if you worth on $1200 and have 5 kids? If your combined income of you and your spouse exceeds $3000 you can't apply for grants. What are you going to do? What can you do?"

Here's the Catch-22. The government says "We should look out for ourselves. We should depend on ourselves, and not on free hand-outs from the government. We are getting soft, etc."

Then if tt is the case, then I have a few questions for the government:

1. Why are we paying each minister $1.2 million a YEAR so tt we can depend on ourselves?

Singapore ministers are paid more than any other in the world. Even George W. Bush gets less than a minister, and he is in charge of the USA. Their stand on this is tt it is "so tt they avoid corruption." WHAT THE FUCK, I ask. We pay you so much money so tt you don't steal it for yourself. What kind of person needs money to stop him from taking more money? It's already enough to make me question the integrity. And my OG2 members say tt they deserve the money. Okay, who deserves the money? Lee Hsien Loong? Maybe, since he's done so much. Wong Kan Seng, def. He's done a lot for the security of Singapore and it's no easy task. But what about Lim Hng Kiang, Minister of Finance who said in a press-release to the LTA tt all Ministry of Finance is is a rubber stamp for approvals to use Singapore's funds? We aren't paying you $1.2 million of OUR money to sit down and stamp papers. Any idiot off the street can stamp papers.

If you want tt much money, then WORK for it. Don't sit there and say it is your God-given right.

2. If the government wants us to be more independent, then for goodness sake stop molly-coddling us!

Isn't tt right? Ooh. After 5 FUCKING YEARS Sex and the City is finally comnig to Singapore amidst much fanfare in Season *5* with some kind of mature rating with all the F-words and nudity scenes cut out. So now we don't get to see sex; hell, we don't even get to see a BREAT-FEEDING scene, and I thought tt that that irritating Breast-Feeding Mothers group (or some funny organisation) was trying to get people to understand tt breast-feeding in completely "natural" and "respectable" etc etc etc. We learn how to say 'Fuck' as early in as in Primary School. We get exposed to porn and masturbation by Sec School (guys at least). Who the fuck are you trying to kid?

Is all this control of Singapore necessary? The so-called reason for the control of 'free expression and free speech' in Singapore is for reasons of 'internal security'. Yes, I suppose if I walked out the City Hall MRT and said something like "Hail Saddam!" (muahaha) and "I want to blow up the Republic!" it will be understandable if I get detained indefinitely under the ISA. But seriously, why is public opposition to policies a crime? Why is open support of an opposition a crime? It's not treasonous because it's still the same country. It's still for the same nation. Just not the same PAP. Why do JC Forums have to be rigged so tt only the 'yes-men' and 'guai-kias', who move on to public scholarships and become the future leaders of Singapore, get to go on it? Why was the Hwa Chong student given an OB marker for questioning Lee Kuan Yew's policy?

If you want us to depend more on ourselves, then give us more trust. So maybe it is true tt there is more freedom now than there was in previous years, which is a step. But maybe it's not enough of a step. Even if the PAP is doing a good job, let's face it. We need opposition. We need people who can be a check and balance to an all-powerful and possibly monopolistic government tt has become too powerful in its paternalistic approach to Singapore. This also means tt the PAP has to stop taking people like Vivan Balakrishnan into their ranks and turning vibrant out-spoken opposition into quiet PAP members on their payroll.

3. We need more transparency.

Even if you feel tt you can't give us more room for self-assertion, then at least be more transparent. I do admit tt there has been a greater move towards transparency, and there cannot be total transparancy with regards to things like defence or national security, but certain policies may be more easily accepted if an honest and more plausible reason is given. You wonder if the reduction in NS duration from 2.5 years to 2 years is really because Teo Chee Hean has decided tt Singapore's defence systems have really become more technologically-advanced such tt less manpower is needed + training has become more efficient, or whether is it is because a) SAF is getting poorer and b) there are 3 white horses going into NS this year - Teo Chee Hean's son, David Lim's son, and 1 other VIP's son.You wonder if the reduction in the number of government scholarships was due to the introduction of so-called 'scholar-entrepeurners', or whether it's because PSC has decided it is getting poorer and is cutting costs.

Anyway how does all this relate to myself?

It's my future. I'm bound for the police force once I get my degree.

It's ironic isn't it? That I've tied myself down to a government that I do not support. How I can say so much of the above and still want to join them. But then again I'd rather be honest. I don't want to be another quiet 'yes-man'. I know quite a few scholars from my year, and I can honestly say tt there are more than enough 'yes-men' around to add 1 more to their number.

But I don't want to be one. I'm not going to wayang. Sure, I'm not going to jeopardise my career for the sheer sake of principles, but I think I do know enough diplomacy to exercise it when necessary. But the thing is, I WANT the job. A lot of people find this hard to understand. People go for scholarships for 1 reason only: a chance to study OVERSEAS. In UK or US, where they can be away from somewhere this small and narrow and constricted, subject to the same scenery same people same teaching style same culture etc. I used to be this way. If I'd accepted PSC or URA or even MOE, I would have taken those scholarships for the schools only.

But I accepted MHA, and to study in *Singapore*. Irony of ironies. This I accepted because I want the career. I want the job with the uniform, the extended training, the capped pay, the long odd hours, the possible politics and disappointments tt I'll be exposed to, the inadequacies tt I'll see, the sacrifices tt I'll have to make up the possibility of a more lucrative prestigeous well-paying job tt I will have to give up.

Debiao says I will be disappointed. Once my stint as investigative officer ends and I become a staff officer, I'll be bored to tears. He's learning how to invest in stock options now, selling insurance, kick-starting money-making so tt he'll have enough to retired by 35 and change careers then.

I don't know how disappointed I will be coz I'm not in there yet. But I'm not tt cynical yet. I don't wish to give up my present for a future too far for my myopic visiont o comprehend yet. For him, it's all about job security. As someone who has tasted poverty, he understands what it is to be poor, and this drives him to be what he is, practical, self-preservative.

Maybe it's because I haven't tasted hardship. I've been sheltered, I live in comfort. I have had doors open to me without me having to bleed for them. I'm idealistic, In spite of my general morbidness and apathy and occasional bouts of cynism, I am idealistic.

I have dreams of what I can and want to achieve for myself. I want to make a difference. I want to do something tt will have an impact on the people around me. I want to be remembered, the way Lee Kuan Yew or Margaret Thatcher will be remembered. I don't want to be known as 'tt chio bu' or 'tt short girl' or whatever, but rather, as tt 'girl who started this policy' or 'saved my son' or 'helped catch tt rapist'. Even now, I'd rather be known as 'tt dragonboater' or 'tt Black belt' and maybe in later years 'tt Dean's Lister' instead of just another 'girl with blonde/black/red/pink hair'.

Sometimes what I worry most, is tt I will lose my idealism as I mature. Innocence is good. Maturity is good. Yet there is a fine line between innocence and naivete, and maturity and cynism. I want to be mature, but I don't want to lose my innocence. Is that possible?

My father has already commented tt 1 year of hall life has made me more mature than he would have expected. Yet the road hadn't been fun or easy for me, and I've already lost so much of that bright-eyed idealism I'd started university with.

Still, I've managed to put behind the bitterness and tt jadedness, replaced tt with desensitived apathy. I'm keeping only the idealism for my future and what I can make of it.

And this idealism I hope, will never leave me.

I hope tt when the chance comes for me to sit it out or dance...

I hope I dance.

Currently Playing I Hope You Dance By Lee Ann Womack see related

"UH, DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?"

NO.

No more fries. No more Mac's for a year.

*pause*

But before I come to that, just a quick run-through of Wednesday.

What I did:

1. Comm service at the Bishan Home.

My OG painted murals on the wall. I'm so proud of my freshies! They are so enthu and so willing to come down and participate, and they did an absolutely fantastic job on the walls. I couldn't ask for more. We went to Food Junction at J8 for lunch, and I was still on my quest for kuay-teow mee with chilli. The bak chor mee there, according to Debbie, is supposed to be good. My problem with it was tt it wasn't hot enough even with added chilli, so I kept eating the tiny chilli padi in the soy sauce on its own, which was massive overkill. Had ice kachang to cool it, and at the same time listen quietly while David and some freshies discussed politics. Or rather, how much they supported the PAP for doing a good job. I don't support the PAP. At least, I'm not rah-rah about them. But I figured it wouldn't do much good for me to argue for the opposition. I guess I just wasn't in that much of a mood to point out things like why our ministers don't deserve a salary of $1.2 million a year to people who have been half brain-washed by the media and the messages piped through by the government. We continued painting after that. Had fun adding artistic/realistic touches + blending in colours for the paint. Although if RnF was supposed to be for everyone to interact more with each other, it doesn't work for me, coz I always work best in silence and alone.

2. Run back from J8 to Bukit Timah.

Second run started out bad coz I got what seemed like an abdominal cramp. But it disappeared after a while. Takes 15 min to get from J8 to Lornie Road. Took a bus to cross the PIE highway as I don't fancy getting knocked down by car while jogging, and decided to nua by getting off at Hwa Chong instead. On the bus I was standing next to this old (middle-aged) man and this young girl who looked either Primary 6/Sec1 or 2. At first I thought they were father/daughter, but the way they communicated with each other gave me the impression tt he was more of a mentor-figure (i.e. a teacher or a tutor). But the way she looked at him: I swear there was something coy in that look, and worse, the way he spoke to her, touched her, caressed his fucking bag, I was so grossed out. I think he's a fucking paedophile and he's preying on her. I didn't do anything, I just got off the bus. I didn't know what I could do. How do you point out someone who you suspect to be a sexual predator, but have no evidence to back up other than your own gut instincts? It's things like these that makes me want to be a police officer. That way I will have the means and authority to do something about creeps like these. I think that a new punishment involving the ripping out of the balls of sexual offenders should be implemented into the Penal Code.

3. Clubbing at Phuture.

Cleared up the misunderstanding I had with Jane. So after dinner, went down to club with her, Sam, Wanyi and her hall friends. Was there around 11pm. Sam intro-ed her friend Peidi (I think) to dance with us. I took a total of 4 tequila shots (down from a usual of 6) and 1 flaming lambo. Idea was to loosen up. Think I did tt. Surprise surprise. Even after a drought of alcohol, my tolerance amazes me. Wasn't even high, yet alone drunk. Muahaha. Saw Eric, Eva and Meishuang there too, and James tells me Marc and Lionel were there too. Anyway Wanyi disappeared somewhere unfortunately, so it was me, Sam and Peidi, and later Jane and Jason stuffed into a corner at Phuture.

We were there early enough so we got a damn good spot away from the traffic. However, it was in-between 2 couples. The one on my left never seemed to stop kissing. Okay, kissing + grinding + kissing + grinding. In the end I just gave up being embarrassed at the distasteful display and just openly oogled. Muahaha. Free show and I don't even need to pay $7.50 for it! As for the one on my right, the guy was just weird. When he was not grabbing his girl's waist, his hands seemed to mistake mine for hers, and she must have got damn irritated coz she moved right behind me and in front of him. Anyway the good thing about being loosened up is that it really does help you to have fun.

You can just close your eyes and shut yourself off from the world, from everything else around you, have fun and just lose yourself in the music. Which IMHO is getting better and better. Crowd can be a bitch, but I thought it was better tonight. Oh, and Peidi is a fantastic girl to dance with. I have a lot of fun dancing with her. :)

After the lights came on we met up with Sam's hall friends + friends + friends and took a cab down to tt Boon Tong Kee place near Phuture, where I got a Gulp from 7/11 and went home from there. Not tt I didn't want supper with the rest, but I was damn damn tired. Thing about alcohol is tt it dehydrates, and furthermore you don't realise how much energy you've expended until after. So yeah, I ended up just going home and crashing.

Today:

Woke up, checked out movie timings, then called James. We ended up going to PS. Ate bak chor mee (AGAIN!!! 3 days in a row!!!) for lunch. This time I am FINALLY happy. The kuay teow mee really is damn nice and well-worth its $$ now. Muahaha. Goodie. Me is happy girl now. We then watched 'Supersize Me', which is why I swear I will not eat Mac's for a year.

It's a little cheesy, but in a nice satirical way. Morgan Spurlock is understated and presents the documentary in an informative objective manner, but of course with humour thrown in. I guess if you must compare, compare this to Bowling For Columbine. Where Michael Moore is openly cynical, incredibly funny and really over-the-top. I prefered Moore's documentary to Spurlock's coz Moore was incredibly in-your-face, but this isn't to say tt Spurlock's documentary doesn't have its appeal. For one it's not biased or one-sided. And he does admit tt the McGriddle really does taste as good as it looks. But 30 days of Macs, added 24 pounds to his body, made him depressed, damaged his liver and heart and kidneys, and even made him an addict! (Apparently even cheese has an addictive protein... No wonder I lurrrve cheese.)

I was eating nachos before the movie. So glad I finished them before the symptoms got bad. *crosses fingers* After this, I don't want to eat fries or drink coke again. And I seriously want to stay off Mac's and KFC for a year.

Good grief.

Oh, but after the movie we walked into Times, and I found a really easy macaroni and cheese recipe tt can be followed in 20 minutes. I bought raw macaroni, shredded cheddar and milk from Carrefour. After this I'm going to make me some macaroni and cheese. Yum.

My knee hurts like HELL ever since last night. Think the running + dancing did something to the joint. Fuck. I can't run today.

Ooh, quote of the day (off Wanyi's blog) and the most innovative curse I have ever heard of (up-to-date): "i hope u get raped by a tortoise". Muahaha. I love Wanyi. She has a knack for the best one-liners ever.

And song of the day: Kylie Minogue's 'Chocolate'.

Kylie Minogue - CHOCOLATE

Fragile seams,
I opened up too quick and all my dreams,
Were walking out I'd slowly,
Lost my fire,
With every single man a river cried

I had no sensation,
Completely numb, left with no satisfaction,
I thought no-one could ever get me high again,
I swear, I was not looking

Oh, waited so long,
I thought the real thing was a fake,
I thought it was a tool to break me down,
You proved me wrong again

If love were liquid it would drown me,
In a placeless place would find me,
In a heart shape come around me and then,
Melt me slowly down,
If love were human it would know me,
In a lost space come and show me,
Hold me and control me and then,
Melt me slowly down

Like chocolate, Tastes so good,
My heart's been mended who'd have thought it would,
An empty bet and still I won the cash,
A man who I love and who,
Loves me back

Oh, waited so long,
For love to heal me so I'd feel it,
Thought it wasn't breathing then you came,
You proved me wrong again

If love were liquid it would drown me,
In a placeless place would find me,
In a heart shape come around me and then,
Melt me slowly down,
If love were human it would know me,
In a lost space come and show me,
Hold me and control me and then,
Melt me slowly down

Like chocolate come here,
Zoom in, catch the smile,
There's no doubt it's from you,
And I'm addicted to it now
x 2

Just one look boy to melt me down,
Just one heart here to save me now,
Your candy kisses are sweet I know,
Hold me tight baby don't let go,
Just one look boy to melt me down,
Just one heart here to save me now,
Your candy kisses are sweet I know,
Hold me tight baby don't let go
x 2

If love were liquid it would drown me,
In a placeless place would find me,
In a heart shape come around me and then,
Melt me slowly down,
If love were human it would know me,
In a lost space come and show me,
Hold me and control me and then,
Melt me slowly down

Currently Playing Chocolate Pt 1 By Kylie Minogue see related

RAINY DAYS AND TUESDAYS

Slept around 4am last night. Explains why I could barely get out of bed to have brunch with my dad at 11am. We had kuay teow mee dry with extra chilli. Or rather, I did. But somehow my craving still hasn't really been satisfied coz even with the extra chili, it didn't seem hot enough. My mom thinks my taste buds have been short-circuited or something that extent.

After tt I managed to convince my dad to drop me off at Queensway on his way to his golf game coz I wanted to get more running gear. Another cap, a handphone pouch so tt I can bring phone, money and ez-link card (just in case) with me on my runs, meaning tt I can run further and for longer with less sweat (figuratively).

The idea is still, to train for this:

I love this ad. SO much attitude! Same reason why we all love Nike. So they charge you $100 - $200 for goods manufactured at 1/50th of tt price. So they exploit their sweat shops in Vietnam, Cambodia, Indonesia and Thailand. So the soles of Nike shoes fall off roughly after a year of wearing them. But we'll still buy Nike coz Nike has just tt: an image of attitude.

I can't wait to collect my dri-fit T-shirt. It's blue this year, and I think it's going to look even more gorgeous than the one I got last year. And the Real Run is something worth looking forward to coz I *definitely* have khakis. Managed to convince some of my fellow Home Team scholars to sign up, and a few of my teammates have also registered already. Awesome. :)

So, because a lot of my running shorts are too short for decency (and I'm wearing them a lot more often now coz of all my orientation stuff), I bought 2 more from adidas and New Balance. Not bad, they look longer and therefore more presentable, the material is nice and comfy, and I don't look like I'm sprouting tree trunks from my waist. Okay, not so much.

My dad was being his nice tactful self. "Wah! Your legs are so big!" He said, jabbing at my calves. "They're twice my size."

Me: *speechless*

ARGH! I *KNOW* my legs are big. I have elephant calves. There, happy? And the worst thing is tt I cannot do a single thing about them. As Jane and I both agree, we run like hamsters, but our calves just get bigger and bigger. And gee, here I thought running is supposed to give you nice and sleek legs? Why is it tt it doesn't seem to work for me? And so many girls tt I know have never run a day in their life (after NAPFA tt is) and yet have stick-legs! ARGH!!! Life is not fair! Life is not fair! *wails*

But anyway back to the rest of my day, took a nice long nap under my covers. Woke up with mosquito-bitten legs and a giant pimple on my nose. It's HORRIBLE!!! It's big and red (like it's been inflamed) and it's swollen. Argh! I look like a witch! The only consolation I can give myself is tt the bloody thing is on the bridge of my nose, which is marginally better than if it were right in the bloody middle of my bloody nose, in which case I can pretty much sign up to play the next Wicked Witch of the West in a remake of The Wizard of Oz.

Ignoring the horrific manifestation on my nose, I went for an evening run. Now that's one thing tt has gone very right. I've shaved a little less than 10 min off my run-time. What would have taken me 1 hour 10 min to run in the past now takes me approx an hour. This is a very very good sign. Hopefully if I can keep this up, I can accomplish a timing of 60 min or better yet, under 60 min, for the Real Run timing. *crosses fingers*

Had dinner with the parents after tt. Went to this place called 'Alexander Village' and had fishhead bee hoon (or hor fun), fried chicken wings, pork ribs and kangkong. Yum.

*sigh* I miss the dragonboat girls. Hell, I miss dragonboat. The feeling of waking up in the morning and reminding myself tt I don't need to rush down to Kallang anymore is fading, but the feel of holding a paddle in my hands, rowing, etc, is still strong. And I miss nua-ing at SDBA underneath ah ma-like umbrellas in the hot noon sun, laughing, just laughing.

All I can do is run, and wait for school to reopen.

Currently Playing Freshmen [UK] By The Verve Pipe see related

A ROWER, FIRST AND FOREMOST

How society perceives me:
1. Law student (lawyer-to-be)
2. Dragonboater (as a CCA. although everyone always confuses me with a canoeist, which irritates me to no end)
3. Police-scholar

How my parents perceive me:
1. Police-officer-to-be
2. Law student
3. Dragonboater (as a CCA)

How I perceive myself:
1. Dragonboater (a rower, first and foremost)
2. Police-officer-to-be
3. Law student

**********************************************************

Should it come as a surprise to you? That the way I see myself is so radically different from how society especially perceives me? My pride is in rowing, more than anything. I love the police force, but that is only as my future. At this point in time, it's a future I keep in sight, strive towards, but do not live yet. Law is, like I have told my closer friends, not a life, nor a future. It is my back-up plan, if I become jaded and cynical about a career in the force. It doesn't matter that much to me. It's the means to an end - a 2nd-uppers to secure a relatively comfortable life, but that's all it means to me.

Right now, dragonboating is as far as I can see, my lifeblood and my focus. It didn't start out that way. It started out as a CCA where I could keep fit, get tanned, and get into the water (sort of lah). I never actually anticipated or expected the team-bonding bit.

But it happened. Even with my initial nonchalance, resistence, etc. It happened. Training with this small group of girls for so many hours a week built a certain camaderie that I have never ever known existed. That extends to outside of training.

My teammates are not like other girls. We are not like other girls. It's not just the strength bit, looking different (i.e. Incredible Hulk arms and radical tanlines), being able to do push-ups and pull-ups. It's not just the discipline or the dedication that we have to what we do, although that is an integral bit of being a part of the team. It's that and more. We aren't political. What you see is what you get. There is no bitching, no back-stabbing, no superficial sweet talk and 'hellos hellos'. There are no airs, no pompous behaviour. Everyone is equally important, whether you're the captain or just an ordinary rower.

The environment is highly positive and motivating. We encourage each other, be it within training or even outside. We don't berate failure, we strive to do better. No one is ever blamed or ostracised, even if you are slower or weaker than the others. There is honesty, there is frankness, and more importantly, there is unconditional acceptance. Who you are, which school or fac or JC you come from, whether your first language is English or Chinese, you are accepted equally.

I don't have deep heart-to-heart conversations with my teammates. We don't philosophise or talk politics or things. We talk cock when we nua after training. We laugh at everything. Hell, we've laughed so hard together. We've cried together. We've seen each other through pain, through failure, through joys and through victory. We've more than attended trainings, we've studied together, attended camp(s) together, had lots and lots of fun together, and we've raced together. Having done all these things together, sometimes heart-to-hearts aren't necessary anymore.

I've long abandoned my initial reasons for joining dragonboat. When the training gets really tough, like when I cramp up when running or my lungs are close to exploding or my arms just ache so much that they shake when I exert power or my blisters just bleed, I keep it up for one simple reason. For Them. I train for my teammates, I row for my teammates. I am staying in the team for my teammates, because they matter that much to me.

I always thought our tagline "One boat. One stroke. One heart" was cheesy. But now I understand what it really means. It goes beyond words.

Belonging. Acceptance. Sacrifice. More than friends. Family.

"We are sisters, man." *

*note: last line is play on line of one-half of dubbed "Hideous Twins". Those who know, know. :)

VINDICATED

"I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself"

How did my day go?

Morning: Massive headache + panadol-popping. Contact lenses get contaminated (don't know by what). Eyes fucking hurt. Was supposed to get down to the Bishan Home for the Intellectually Disabled by 9am, but ended up going to Bishan J8 at 12.20pm (overslept with the panadol).

Early afternoon: Had long lunch at Long John Silvers with OG. Walked around J8 sian-ly till 2.15pm. Accompanied Angeline (my hot freshie jr) at Mac's and had ice-cream. Went back to home to do painting. Found out tt there was no more work to be done. Wasted 1 hour 30 min watching the presentation people rehearse. But had short conversation with James + his freshies which was fun. It involved the army. Was invited to watch 'Meeean Girls' with James and The Guys (there is a certain strangeness to the idea of 3 guys bonding over watching a teen chick flick, no?). Yay.

Later afternoon: Went over to J8 to get a drink with Joanna, Mabelle and Debbie. Bumped into Winston and Charmaine 3 times. Went to ka-cheow James, Shin and Jason at KFC. After Shin and Jason left walked around with James to while some time away until the sun became less hot. Bumped into Winston and Charmaine 3 more times, until it got to the point where everyone was highly embarassed and trying to find ways to avoid walking into each other. After James bought his movie tickets (I decided not to watch the movie), he sent me off to Bishan MRT. I ran home from there.

Evening: From Bishan to my home in Bukit Timah, including 10 min walking time and 10 min trying to find a way across the PIE, 1 hour 15 min (route = Bishan - Braddell - tt MacRitchie Reservoir road - Adam Road - Bukit Timah).

Later Evening: Met fave bro Chris at Holland V. Went Coffee Club for dinner coz I was in search of my elusive macaroni and cheese. Had a baked chicken macaroni - not enough cheese - calamari rings and chocolate milkshake for dinner instead. With a 3-hour-long conversation about God-knows-what. Cannot remember what we talked about. Anything and everything just goes. It's not so much catching up with each other's lives, but just throwing out ideas and thoughts and philosophies and jokes and weird little anecdotes. Always enriching, fun and highly enjoyable talking to my brother. :) Seems like we're the only ones who understand each other. Oh well.

Little snippet:
Chris: "I wish I could walk around without wearing my glasses. Then that way I wouldn't be able to see clearly enough to notice whatever might be wrong with the world."

Oh well. Won't say more than that. Am waiting for Sue to give me a response.

Night night.

"Vindicated": the meaning of.

1. To clear of accusation, blame, suspicion, or doubt with supporting arguments or proof: “Our society permits people to sue for libel so that they may vindicate their reputations” (Irving R. Kaufman).
2. To provide justification or support for: vindicate one's claim.
3. To justify or prove the worth of, especially in light of later developments.
4. To defend, maintain, or insist on the recognition of (one's rights, for example).
5. To exact revenge for; avenge.

Dashboard Confessional - VINDICATED

Hope, dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in so mesmorizing
So hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am...

[Chorus]
Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated
So motivated, I am certain now
That I am..

Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So turn up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in too deep now
to ever swim against the current

So let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip against the current
So let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip away

Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

Like hope, dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption 

PRAYER

She danced on my heart, though I'd never met her.
Our first conversation was just another internet miracle over MSN.
Our first contact was through this medium.
Half a world away, with a life I would never lead.
An angel with everything, yet with enough mortality to reach out to me.
Funny how someone so perfect would ask for help from someone so flawed?
Funnier how someone so flawed would request for and gain tt solace in someone so perfect.
We understood each other in a way that surprised me
Through words on LED screens we connected as if we'd known each other for years.
I don't know what happened to my online angel.
That day when she told me she was sick.
I thought God would have saved her, the first time she went for surgery.
I guess I'd take life too much for granted, more woe me.
I'd been so happy when she'd contacted me after the surgery.
When she'd said 'hi' and I wish I'd taken the tiredness more seriously.
Wish I'd talked to her, cared more, than I did.
I knew something was wrong but I didn't dare to ask.
And tonight she's going for a second op.
Halfway around the world, in another lifetime.
I'm reading the letter, and I'm afraid of the gravity it holds.
I'm praying for the first time in a long time.
But I'm worried the prayers of recalcitrant sinners don't count for as much.
I'm calling out for a prayer.
That whoever reads this will include her in your prayer as well tonight.
I want to see tt name on my messenger a couple of days from now.
I want to see tt face in the newspapers, the awards lists, the rolls of honour, a couple of years from now.
I want to meet my online angel.

WHO I AM

A lot of my attached friends - the one who have been in 2-year and 3-year relationships where for some, it's come to the point where the romance has fizzled out and they're only together coz it's comfortable and for the companionship - tell me tt they envy me. The swinging single. Freedom to date, freedom to go wild and crazy, freedom to have fun.

I tell that the grass is always greener on the other side. No matter what, there are always drawbacks. Fun can be overrated. You can satisfy fun with 1 night at the club. Knock back a couple of flamin' lambos and let yourself go to the pounding music all night. Want to live on the edge? Get a guy to do the bump-and-grind with you. Hell, you can even go over the edge if you want. Important thing is tt you have no one to answer to except yourself.

But seriously? You wouldn't break up with your other half just because it isn't fun now would you? You wouldn't want to leave tt nest of comfort and security, a warmth of knowing you are protected and cared for, for something unknown, now would you? Even if the unknown seems more fun?

I guess you know what I'm getting at. I am used to the number of 'singles have more fun' remarks. We all know what's truth and what's illusion anyway. Bottomline is, single or attached, taken or not, we just take what we have of our lives and make the most tt we can out of it. If we are single, we make the most out of singlehood (or at least try to). If we are attached, then we try to make the relationship work for all the reasons tt we value it for.

But anyway after Wed Jane was telling me how much fun singlehood could be, and I told her tt it was overrated. She's been trying to intro guys to me, but so far the good intentions have been going to hell coz chances are they're always interested in her instead. :P

So she asked me if maybe I chased guys away coz I was too intimidating. The whole image thing. The dragonboat. The taekwondo black belt. The angry rock chick image (I maintain I do not have a rock chick image. I am angsty, I have some anger in me, I get depressed easily, and I love rock music, but I am not a rock chick).

Actually, I think I do chase guys away. To be honest. It's ironic how the whole thing started all those years ago. When I was younger I was the complete opposite of what I am now, or at least, what I seem to be now. I was quiet, shy, timid, I didn't dare to speak up, I could be and had been bullied.

I don't remember exactly when I decided when enough was enough. When I decided I wouldn't let anyone else run my life anymore. It started with violence, or my love for violence. Violent video games, comics, drawings, movies. Then came taekwondo (which ironically disciplined and tamed the violent urges. Which is why I never raise a hand to hit anyone, whether in jest or for real, unless I'm really really pushed). My media of choice. The tough girl image.

Etc.

Ironically, the whole image thing started out as a facade to shield my weaknesses, my fears, my imperfections. Of course, they're still there. They never really disappeared, because I never really exorcised them. Yet now after so many years, I don't know where the image ends and the real me begins anymore. All has been fused. This is also the reason why I'm such a contradiction to people.

It's also the reason why I intimidate people. Because if the image doesn't drive people away, it's all the other inherent contradictions. I'm readable, but I'm not helpable. People with insight tell me tt they have seen the battle raging in me between my so-called 'good' side and 'bad' side, between my 'masculine' and 'feminine' side, etc. They see it, but they can't help it, and nor can I.

With this kind of awareness it seems like I should change, now shouldn't it? Be one or the other, demarcate the boundaries. Be... less intimidating.

But I feel tt if I give up the passions tt define me, tt I love, I'll lose myself. Lose sight of who I am.

So I'm not going to give myself. Compromises? I am making them. They've already been witnessed. But that's so far as I will go. The romantic in me believes tt some day there will be someone who appreciates someone like me, complicated and intimidating as I am.

So till that day, I'll be optimistic. :)

5 HOURS OF KTV

Highlight of my weekend: 1st KTV session since February (Ian's birthday). This time we were 'celebrating' Hsien's and Jason's birthdays. I hope I never get a KTV session for my birthday. It's just not my cup of tea.

Anyway it was the 8 of us, all ex-classmates. Me, Hsien, Ian, Zhaowei, Jason + his gf (ok, gf is not my classmate. Finally after 3 whole years get to meet her for the first time!), Sam-duh-man and Mark! Whoo hoo. After all this time of "when can we meet up? when can we meet up?" and we FINALLY meet up at K Box at Cine.

Yep yep. That's all 8 of us: Zhaowei, Ian, Jason + Qiyue, me, Mark, Sam and Hsien. :) One big happy KTV family.

I think K Box is a fucking rip-off. $21 per person for 5 hours (which IMHO is TOO MUCH) of KTV time... and there is no shorter package. And snacks are $5 for a bloody small plate of mixed nuts tt shouldn't cost any more than $0.40. WHAAAT THE HELL? If I had my way we so WOULDN'T go to K Box, but then Ian wanted a place where he could sing the LATEST Chinese songs. Coz he's no longer 'ang moh pai4'. He's now the 'hua2 wen2 pai4'.

Uh. Something like tt lah.

Anyway the whole 5 hours alternates between 5 English songs and 10 Chinese songs (okay, it seems tt way to me). Me being the bloody kentang tt I am, I don't know most of the Chinese songs or the singers. Fortunately, I know enough to sings along to Jay Chou's 'An1 Jing4', May Day's 'Ren2 Shen1 Hai2 Hai3', and the traditional every-group-KTV-must-have: Emil Chau's 'Peng2 You3'.

zhi xie nian e ge ren
fung ye gou yu ye zhao
you gou lei you guo zhua
hai zhi de chien zhe sem mo
chen ai guo chai hui dong
hui ji mo hui hui shou
cong you meng
cong you ni
chai xin cong
peng you e sheng yi chi zhao
na xie re chi bu chai you
yi qiu hua yi bei chi
yi sheng ching yi bei jiu
peng you bu zhen gu dan gua
yi sheng peng you ni hui dong
hai you shang hai you tung
hai yao zhao hai you wo

But all in all it was fun. Got to enjoy an afternoon of mindless singing, listening, laughter, frank appreciation and fond derogation... and friends doing what we do best.

CRAVINGS

As of right now I have only 3 foods tt I am dying to eat:

1. the best kuay-teow mee dry with extra extra chilli. (where where? Newton? Jalan Besar?)

2. macaroni and cheese (where Where WHERE???!!!)

3. French food at Sebastien's

Vindicated.
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

AN HONEST MAN

Or woman. I guess I've had it.

Had it with being nice, with being tolerant, with being diplomatic.

William calls it 'selfless'. When you're unhappy with the way your friends behave, but you not say anything because you don't want to hurt their feelings. When you pretend when you don't feel like it. When you say 'it's okay', 'it's no problem' etc, when in truth it's NOT okay, it IS a problem...

And with every time you pretend you keep tt hurt, tt anger all inside you, and it builds over time and wears you down, tires you out...

Such tt it comes to a point where you don't want to meet up, socialise, see people anymore.

Coz they don't make you feel like you're worth it. They don't seem to value your time the way you value it. They don't seem to respect you as a friend or a person. Insensitivity, tardiness? It's okay if we're both 10, but I'd like to think tt as functioning adults in uni and with enough character to know the difference, we can spare others a thought beyond ourselves.

I don't want to write off people. I generally don't have the energy to maintain animosity, nor do I want to. But sometimes it seems too much effort to be the good friend, to be the tolerant patient, dependable one.

So this entry is to tell you tt from tonight, I'm not going to be nice anymore. I'm just going to be honest.

That means no more 'no problems' and 'it's ok'. If you make me wait 2 hours for you, prepare for an SMS tt reads "Cross the platform and take the next train home". If I'm not enjoying myself, not enjoying the conversation or the company, I'll be tactful. I'll just tell you tt I'm tired and I'm leaving early. If I'm bored, I'm not going to pretend I'm interested. If you're not going to try at the very least to make conversation with me, the third time I have to start about the weather or some godforsaken issue like tt, it's your third strike and you're out of my list.

Harsh? Well, too bad. If I offend you, so sad. Coz 'sorries' are cheap. And I'm not apologizing anymore.

PEOPLE PEOPLE

I've noticed tt something worrying is happening to me.

I'm caring less.

This is in relation to a specific area of my life, or at least my personality - inter-personal relationships.

I've always prided myself on being a diplomat. Basically, in situations where I'm not confortable with my company, or we cannot click, or I am tired etc, I am at least able to maintain this front of warmth and friendliness, enthusiasm and niceness etc, enough to make the other party or parties feel comfortable.

That was in the past. But these few days, I don't bother any more.

I don't care. If I'm not comfortable with the company, I clam up. It's not tt I'm awkward (although tt is true), it's more like I can't be bothered to make conversation. If my friends are talking about way-out subjects tt I don't have any interest in, I don't bother feigning interest anymore. If I'm with someone it's awkward to have a conversation with, I don't have it.

This was true pretty recently, on more than 1 occasion. It's not that I have nothing to say, coz I think I've got enough happening with me to talk about. It's just tt I don't feel like sharing my life. If no one asks, then so be it. If no one wants to know, then so be it.

I'm sick and tired of being diplomatic and being nice.

Ah fuck it. I think I'm going for a nice long run with myself.

cK

I won't kid myself. I have weaknesses for a lot of things. But right now if I were to name my greatest weakness, Calvin Klein would be it.

I love Calvin Klein. The (male) scents I mean.

cK Eternity makes me weak in the knees. Very literally.

I love the way cK one smells. On me or around me. I now own the body wash too. How lucky am I?

I just bought cK one Summer, and already it grows on me. I want to use it already.

And cK be is so strong and earthy I like it. Has a very sensual feel to it.

Ooh yum.

I think I'm a cK bitch. *sigh*

FOOD FEST FRIDAY

Woke up really really early today. Seems like eating's all I've been doing. Had lunch at Junch's place, where the usual suspects of Hsien, Yanli and Ian gathered too. Junch is a fantastic cook. He's one hell of a cook tt puts all us girls to shame. Today he made a purrrfect french onion soup with a stock boiled from chicken bones and pork kunckles for tt full-bodied flavour, along with leeks, carrots, onions (d-uh) and a dash of white wine, simmered to purrrfection. That was the appetizer, served with a toasted baguette with melted cheese on the top. The main course was pork-chop baked with cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes, and dessert was Hsien'd pre-birthday chocolate cream cake from Prima Deli.

The two handsome young men in the back are the magnificent Junch and everyone's favourite long-ge, while Hsien, Yanli and I are in the front. And tt seemingly small cake in front of us packs a HELL of a punch.

Hsien, me, and YUMMY CAKE.

Heaven.

Ooh, Happy 20th Birthday (one week in advance) Hsien dear!!!!! *muakz* (bloody hell we're getting too old before our time.)

Besides tt, I bought Hsien tt Elizabeth Arden Green Tea Scent (and I caved in to temptation and bought cK Summer for myself. Bwahaha), and we sat around Junch's table discussing philosophy, literature and Chinese calligraphy. Later we even had Chinese tea.

Left Junch's place around 5+... He drove us down to Buona Vista MRT! Whoo hoo! After tt it was dinenr at Taka with a friend. We went crazy at the Food Fest, buying everything from beef ball noodles to tom yum soup (again!!!) to tt fried omelette noodles thing to nonya kueh to my aloe vera juice with the chunks. Muahaha. And if tt wasn't enough, we had dessert at coffee club - muddy mud pie, strawberry romanoff and iced mocha vanilla.

So full, but OH. So fulfilling.

And isn't THIS so cute??? And guess what, they're both MY EXCLUSIVE PROPERTY. Muahaha. Now I just need the full recipe for a 'Quick Fuck' (available at embargo). Bailey's, daiquiri... and what was the last alcohol again?

Ooh. Lastly, MY KIND OF SONG.

Natasha Bedingfield - SINGLE

Verse 1:-
Im not waitin' around for a man to save me
(Cos Im happy where I am)
Dont depend on a guy to validate me
(No no)
I dont need to be anyones baby
(Is that so hard to understand?)
No I dont need another half to make me, whole

Make your move if you want doesnt mean I will or wont
Im free to make my mind up you either got it or you dont

Chorus:-
This is my girls on single status
My decoration of independence
Theres no way Im tradin' places
Right now a stars in the ascendant

Im single
(Right now)
Thats how I wanna be
(Right Now )
Im single
(Right now)
Thats how I wanna be

Yeah, uh huh, thats right

Verse 2:-
Dont need to be on somebodys arm to look good
(I like who I am)
Im not saying I dont wanna fall in love cause I would
Im not gonna get hooked up just cause you say I should
(Cant romance on demand)
Im gonna wait so Im sorry if you misunderstood

ooohh yeah

Chorus:-
This is my girls on single status
My decoration of independence
Theres no way Im tradin' places
Right now a stars in the ascendant

Im single
(Right now)
Thats how I wanna be
Im single
(Right now)
Thats how I wanna be
(Right Now)
Im single
(Right now)
Thats how I wanna be
(Right Now )
Im single, oh oh ooh

Verse 3:-
Everything in its right time
Everything in its right place
I know I'll settle down one day
But 'til then I like it this way...
Its my way
Eh, I like it this way, eh

Make your move if you want doesnt mean I will or wont
Im free to make my mind up you either got it or you dont
'Til then Im single

Chorus:-
This is my girls on single status
My decoration of independence (Single)
Theres no way Im tradin' places ( Ooh )
Right now a stars in the ascendant (Ooh)

This is my girls on single status
My decoration of independence
Theres no way Im tradin' places (Right now a star)
Right now a stars in the ascendant

Im single
(Right now)
Thats how I wanna be
( Right Now )
Im single
(Right now)
Thats how I wanna be
( Right Now )
Im single
(Right now)
Thats how I wanna be
( Right Now )
Im single woooh
Thats how i wanna be
ooh ooh ooh ooh oooh oooh (carry on Untill End)

...anyone who thinks otherwise can pretty much pucker up and kiss my ass. *muakz*

Currently Playing Single By Natasha Bedingfield see related

TOM YUM TALAY

Yes. A good afternoon nap helps chase the blues away. Ugh. It seems like I'm experiencing PMS now... every entry alternates between calm and collected and bitchy bitchy bitchy. But I'm not. Am feeling better tho, so will just happily talk about food.

Yum. One of my first loves (if not my first love) and the reason why I will probably never lose my jelly belly. *sobs* Today we went to Thai Express. I have 2 fave Thai foods - tom yum soup, which I fell absolutely in love in ever since I tried 3 varieties of it in Chaing Mai, and pad thai - intro-ed to me by Mich at this Thai restaurant (Jane's Kitchen or something) at Orchard Towers. Inspite of the seedy nature of tt place and the naked girls painted on the wall of the bar next to the restaurant, the food there is GOOD. It's authentic - heck, the freaking restaurant people speak Thai!

But anyway back to Thai Express. Unforunately, the pad thai at Orchard Towers is better. But the tom yam soup, tho obviously no match for authentic Chiang Mai-vikllage-in-the-mountains type tom yum soup, is pretty good. Not hot enough IMHO, but yummy nonetheless. Have decided tt I now like Thai food.

Do you feel sick of Italian food? I do. I'm sick of Chinese food coz I eat tt all the time. But I'm also sick of Italian pizzas, pastas, calimaris, etc etc etc. Am looking for new foods to try. I'm not much of a steak/grilled fish person so I can never turn truly Western, but in small amounts Japanese sushi and ramen (i.e. sushi at Sakae and ramen at Don Bistro in Tanglin Mall) are good. Mexican food (The Patio at Holland V) once in a long long while has its attraction, and while German food can be yummy - think pork knuckles (recommendation: Werner's Oven at Siglap), it's really heavy.

Am looking for new foods. Have not yet tried Vietnamese, but am dying to try Mediterranean. Korean is ok lah... love bibimbap and bulgogi, but not enough to eat much of it. I'm not much of a foie gras fan but I like fried cheeses. But then again like I said, I'm not enough of a steak/grilled fish fan to truly appreciate Western food. Then again Sebastian's and Vis-a-Vis are pretty near my home, but they cost a hell of a lot to visit.

If anyone has good food places to visit with new cuisines tt aren't too heavy, let me know! I want to try new foods. :)

Ooh, on a slightly related note, when I was working temp last year, I had a boss who gave me a lot of practical advice. One of those pieces included setting up your own business - in order to be successful you had to find a niche market tt you could sell your goods to.

I'm thinking about tt niche market now. F&B is a good way to go coz let's face it, S'poreans will ALWAYS want to eat. The thing is what can you market? Grace Hung was smart when she set up Thai Express coz even tho Thai food was available to S'poreans in Lemongrass or other upmarket Thai restaurants, it only catered to the upper middle class and higher due to its prices and dining culture. Thai Express captures the mainstream middle class - students, yuppies - people with money (but not tt much), not too much time on their hands, with food (not rah-rah fantastic but pretty all right, and more than caters to people who are jaded and downright sick of pasta), affordable prices (bill can be between $10 to $20 a person), good dining/conversational atmosphere, and a hip upmarket image to boot. Same concept as Sakae/Genki/Edo/Sushi Tei I guess, just tt the latter places were overkill.

So following this idea, what kind of food can we market? Actually, if I had my way, I would set up a restaurant that sells macaroni and cheese. I'd call it 'Pasta + Cheese' or something to that extent and I'd sell all sorts of pasta with cheese. It would be the usual I guess, tomato/cream/white wine sauces, with baked pastas, lasagnes, but macaroni + cheese WILL be a staple. How can NO RESTAURANT I visit sell macaroni and cheese?! This is a travesty! Kenny Rogers' does, but it's too thick and too salty. And ooh, cheesy soups. Yum. And fried cheeses. Yummer. And dessert? Prob more than just cheesecake. Maybe some sort of sweet pasta thingy? Muahaha.

Ooh. TOTALLY unrelated note, one of my freshies posted her online photo album. So for people who want to know how hot Heather is, she's the girl in the polka-dotted dress on the left below.

And this is yet another OG 2 photo. This one looks good, IMHO! :)

I want to watch MEAN GIRRRRLS. Hopefully with my wunderful cousins Miss Joanne Yip and Miss Denise Tan, and possibly with more sinful food thrown in (yes, deep-fried banana fritters in coconut ice-cream and steamed sweetened tapioca drizzled with thick creamy coconut milk is NOT sinful enough for me), especially as Jennifer Garner of tt '13 Going on 30' movie fame which we want to watch will, as Jo puts it, possibly be 300 by the time the movie does roll around to our good old sunny little island where the censorship boards reign.

And Supersize Me. James if you have TIME and NO KHAKIS I stand here *waaaaving my hands*.

YET ANOTHER STUPID USELESS ENTRY

I'm starting off contemplative. Coz it's gorgeous now. The rain has stopped but the air is cool, the ground is wet, and you can smell the crispness in the air. Beautiful for running, but I'd just had lunch. Am hoping the weather will hold up.

BUT. Yesterday wasn't fantastic. Slept early the night before so I could finally *run* in the morning. I have 2 weeks to my dgb Victory Lunch. Is someone I want to impress, and I'm so NOT going to impress anyone with Incredible Hulk arms and a newfound jelly belly! *argh* Woke up at 7.30am in the morning... with food poisoning. Don't know if it was all the junk I ate the day before, or whether it was the spoilt tofu from dinner the night before. Needless to say, my run was called off. I just took some pills and slept till lunch.

Had porridge for lunch. Decided if my stomach could hold out, I'd run in the evening. Slept some more. And guess what? But 4pm I had gastritis. What the fuck? So pretty obviously I didn't run at all. I popped more pills and slept some more. You just KNOW it's overkill when you sleep so much tt you have a fucking headache.

But after popping enough pills, I figured tt I was well enough for my Girls' Night Out. Went clubbing for the first time since April 23 (Law Bash doesn't count) at Zouk. Met Jane, Wanyi, Sam and her hall friends. Ooh, and Xinying. Unfortunately Xinying lost her IC so we accompanied her in Winebar first. Due to my weak stomach, I stayed alcohol-free, except for a bit of beer I helped Wanyi/Xinying to finish. Think Corona beer tastes like water.

Met quite a few people. Saw Dawn and Meishuang (I think EVERYONE agrees tt Meishuang is *hot*.), my freshie Alex and his friend Jason whom another of my freshies has a crush on (but Jason was with some girl...oh dear :( ), Joanna Seetoh, Yuwei(!!!), and a few other Law babes. It's like some huge reunion gathering at Phuture, it's almost scary.

Have decided tt I'm not used to clubbing. 2 months away and not enough alcohol. The music sounds better, but the crowd was a huge bitch, the smoke was horrible, I was too sobre to not mind the fucking poseurs, bitches, lians and sluts (2 girls squeezed inbetween our group and started humping each other, our guys and even us *ew ew ew*! Like what the fuck?!), and this so-called 'cute guy' kept grabbing my friend and dancing with her from behind while I was dancing with her, and I was so tempted to just move away and join another group coz I felt like I was intruding on something... It was so weird. Not enough alcohol. Not enough alcohol. Inspite of all this, I still ended up with achy knees, a massive headache and a super-sore temperment.

Fuck, I'm not coming back to Phuture until the crowd clears. I'm not clubbing again until the crowd clears. If I want a reunion, I'll make individual dates. And next time I *am* going to drink. Clubbing sobre is not fun.

Got home about 4am. Thing about staying in hall is tt no one ever waits up for you. My dad actually waited for me even when I told him not to. Yeesh. FUCK he makes me feel so guilty. And he said I looked like a China girl. WTF? I told him I should dye my hair back blonde so I'll look like an SPG again.

Today just woke up in time for lunch with cousins Jo and Dee. Went Thai Express again coz I really like the tom yam soup. Had fun talking and laughing to them. And buying yummy Meiji yoghurt with nata de coco. But argh dammit. Weather's good but my mood is not. And it's getting bad. I see his face in everyone I meet, on the bus, in general. I can't settle anymore. No one is cute unless they have a 'kang' in their name. :(

On the bus home, David just told me tt the Andrea in uour LFOC this year is the Miss Malaysia Universe 2004! I AM SO SHOCKED. She looks SO PRETTY in her photos.

As fat lah, but pretty. In real-life I'm... I'm... speechless.

Ooh, speaking of which. Melissa (Pei) (I have 4 'melissas' in my phone now... It's getting confusing) made me aware of this song by Train taken off that Spidey 2 movie... And I realise tt she's right and it IS a damn nice song.

Train - ORDINARY

Whose eyes am I behind?

I don't recognize anything that I see

Whose skin is this design?

I don't want this to be the way that you see me



I don't understand anything anymore

And this web that I'm tired of

Is taking me right up these walls

That I climb up to get to your story

It's anything but ordinary



And when the world is on its knees with me

It's fine

And when I come to the rescue

I get nothing but left behind

Everybody seems to be getting what they need

Where's mine?

'Cause you're what I need so badly

But I'm anything but ordinary



Can you save me from this world of mine?

Before I get myself arrested with this expectation

You are the one, look what you've done

What have you done?

This is not some kind of joke, you're just a kid

You weren't ready for what you did, no . . .



And when the world is on its knees with me

It's fine

And when I come to the rescue

I do it for you time after time

Everybody seems to be getting what they need

Where's mine?

'Cause you're what I need so badly

But I'm anything but ordinary



I think I'm trying to save the world for you

You've been saving me too

We could just stay in and save each other



I'm anything but ordinary

I'm anything but ordinary (Ordinary)

TAKING THE PLUNGE

I wanted to say this yesterday night, but I wasn't in a very good mood for blogging, so I've decided to keep it to today.

A friend of mine whom I've known only recently and have never met in person, nor will ever unless she ever decides to come back to Singapore next vacation *grinz*, underwent a life-threatening experience, and till two nights ago, we heard nothing of her at all.

Funny how you always tend to take things for granted, funny how you always tend to take life for granted, until something much bigger than you comes to take everything you have from you, and you are powerless - possibly one of the few times you can truly say tt you are truly helpless - to prevent tt.

What can you do, when someone decides to walk away from you and you know all the ties have already been weakened to the point of brokenness? What do you do, when you hear tt someone is in ICU a million miles away and you can't do anything at all, not a single thing, except maybe pray?

At the end of it, ironically, it seems tt all we can do, when we are powerless, helpless and weak, is to pray.

Fortunately, she's awake and alive now. Still tired, still in pain, but alive.

I don't have experiences of people around me facing life-threatening situations. Okay, maybe a few when I was younger when my mom's appendix ruptured, but not since then. I don't know if tt makes me luckier than others.

But I've always had this view, tt one of the reasons God brings calamity into your life, is to make you appreciate what you had taken for granted before.

Sometimes, we're just so busy existing, doing our daily day-to-day routine; work or school, making money, spending money, tt sometimes we forget what really matters. Sometimes I forget tt I have parents tt love me and have sacrificed everything for me. I get irritated when they constantly bug me to stay at home. Sometimes I forget tt I have friends who miss me and cannot wait to see me (at least, I hope so *cross fingers*). I don't appreciate them enough. Sometimes we forget tt life is not so much measured by what we do, but who we spend it with.

I'm going to meet Yuwei soon at one. One of my two oldest best friends (my age lah. But I've known her the longest. :) ). It's been almost a year since I've last seen her walk through the gates at Changi Airport, off to a different world.

without me.

But we shared many memories. Of daidee sessions at the back of the class during our Standard First Aid course, of sleepovers, of proms, of virgin clubbing experiences, of holidaying together, of taking the plunge together.

Don't be stupid. We didn't get married.

We bungy-jumped.

That was I think, my insistence. Muahaha. Kai, her and myself went to Cairns together and jumped together (not the same time tho). I went first so tt I wouldn't be tempted to run back down the don't-know-how-many-flights-of-stairs I walked up.

I remember as the AJ Hackett people were tying the rope to my feet, I asked them what the attraction of bungy-jumping was.

Laughter. "The thrill." "The challenge." "And the feeling of being more alive than you have ever been."

I inched towards the edge of the platform once the rope had been secured. Beyong my toes I saw...

Nothing.

The ground seemed so far away. The faces looking up at me were like ants. It's damn fucking scary, although I would never admit this to anyone.

They told me not to look down. "Look beyond. Admire the scenery."

I think most people don't do tt. Once they're standing at the edge of the earth... er... I mean platform, their eyes just fixate on the ground far away. They fail to notice tt you can see mountain TOPS from where you stand. In the morning the sky is blue with pinkish tinges, and a fog settles around the peaks. There's a certain surrealism to everything; how often can you say tt something looks so beautiful tt it looks artificial? Painted with water colour?

"When you're ready, just go."

The beauty about bungy-jumping is all you need is to take tt 1 first step. Once you take it, you're submitted to the laws of gravity. One of the laws tt no one, rich poor young old powerful or not, is above. And once you're gone to gravity, it's too late for regrets, too late to turn back. You're just taken for the ride.

Sure, there are risks. There are always risks. A lot of people don't want to bungy-jump coz they don't see the point in doing a 1-minute activity tt to them has absolutely no use, no practicality, no benefits, but for its HIGH RISK nature.

Rope snaps. You're dead. Miscalculation. You're dead. Heart attack. You're dead.

And for what?

For me, for the thrill. For the challenge. For the new-found feeling of being more alive than I'd ever been before.

I swan-dived off. Figured tt if I were to take the plunge, I'd make my one and only step spectacular. It would be on video anyway. :P Haha.

The feeling of falling is scary. I've decided after bungy-jumping, tt if I were ever to kill myself, it would never be to jump off a building.

There really is no return. You just see everything rushing up at you, the ground gets bigger, the people get bigger, and you just wait for impact. The wind rushes in your ears, screams louder and louder, and your stomach feels like it wants to come out through your mouth.

But there is no impact. Instead the recoil just propels you to roughly around the same height from which you fell. This, to me wasthe scariest part. Coz when you fall, you fall head-first. You recoil head-first and watch the ground quickly shrink.

And the anticipation. The anticipation of falling.

Is scarier than the actual falling the second time.

But they were right you know?

At the end of it when you're lying on your back and staring up at the sky as the rope is being untied from your legs, you've never felt more alive than at this moment. Never felt the ground so clearly, never seen so many colours in the sky, never heard the sudden rush of water and birds somewhere somehow.

One of those few idiotic grin times.

The only time I ever felt like this in recent times, was on 20 June 2004.

JUST ANOTHER ENTRY

For once, I'm out of blog titles. As in really REALLY trying-my-best-but-failing out of blog titles. So I guess let's just call this another random entry. Didn't do much today anyway.

Just woke up, bummed around, went to Lido to catch Spiderman 2 on my own where THE QUEUES WERE SO FUCKING LONG IT TOOK 25 MINUTES JUST TO GET FROM THE BACK OF THE QUEUE WHEN MCDONALDS' IS TO THE FRONT. Fortunately it is easy for a single entity to get seats, even for a movie a mere 15 minutes away - where tt movie is Spidey 2, the most-requested for movie in God knows how long. I SWEAR this movie will top box-office this year. The ticket sales just don't prove otherwise.

How was Spidey 2?

Well. I expected to be disappointed. 2 papers have given it 5 otu of 5 stars and I expected my sky-high expectations to be dashed.

They were not.

I cannot believe this. Tobey Mcguire is the most un-super hero looking lead actor I've seen. He is soft and pale. He wear black plastic ugly spectacles. He trips when he walks. His life is an absolute mess.

But yet because of all his flaws and imperfections, because he is the most HUMAN of all the superheroes, we relate to him, we identify with him, we empathise with him and we love him. The superhero tt falls, is the superhero tt wins over our hearts.

I don't really like Kirsten Dunst tt much. But I like the story. I like how it ends. This time the action sequences are good and Spidey's web-slinging action looks realistic. There's lots of nice touches of humour, such as when Spidey has to take the lift for the first time in his masked life, and engage in small talk with a stranger. There's touching moments, like when Spidey rescues a train full of people and they are prepared to lay down their lives for him in return.

Sam Raimi has an eye for detail, and he exploits this eye to the fullest.

I loved this movie. I loved it for the full and complete way it approached Spidey's story and drew us, the audience into his web, enthralling us with the humanness and the softer touches of Peter Parker's life, while at the same time giving us enough action and suspense to keep us on our toes.

The movie ended around 4.30pm, after which it was a mad rush for me to get both Xiaohui and Melissa (freshies from my OG) their birthday presents, coz the both of them were celebrating their birthdays at California Pizza Kitchen tonight. I bought them both earrings which I thought were really pretty, although it was one hell of a gamble coz I wasn't sure if both wore earrings. Fortunately I have reasonable good taste.

Heh.

So it was off to CPK. Got there 15 minutes late. Fortunately I wasn't the latest. About 10 of us, including David would be there. No other OG2 counsellors came however. I guess none of the other counsellors are as close to the freshies as me and David are.

Speaking of David, he was wearing his Spongebob Squarepants shirt.

How is THIS for a completely, utterly, absolutely EYEBALL-MELTING experience?

ARGH!!! ARGH!!! ARGH!!! My eyeballs are melting.

Talk about trauma.

Yes yes yes. Those who were wondering, this is my charming G1, seen in a completely different light now.

...

Okay, moving on.

That's all of us (excluding Heather who only came later) at CPK as our food was being served. The 2 birthday babes Xiaohui and Melissa are on the left. And yes, the guy on the phone, Shang, is REALLY on the phone. :P The babe in front of me is Angeline, the one who won the Hottest Babe in Law award. She's soooo exotic-looking.

So we shared 6 pizzas (I'm stuffed now) and just chatted about stuff. I'm incredibly happy at how close our OG is. Not everyone is here - we're missing Grace for one! :( -, but in general I'm just really happy our freshies can bond so well. Now if only we could say the same about our counsellors as well... But oh well. Guess you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Anyway just in case anyone wanted to respond to my earlier advert about my sensitive guitar-playing song-singing Singapore Idol-quality OGL, muahaha. You're too late. He only has eyes for one person now, and you're probably not her. :P Too bad so sad.

Altogether now, AWWWWW.

We kind of ran out of steam after the dinner. The usual everyone just stands around and asks "so where are we going now?" type scenario. So in the end, we all just went home.

Can you feel my absolute sian-ness?

"HOW COME?

...We dont even talk no more
And you dont even call no more
We dont barely keep in touch at all
and I dont even feel the same love when we hug no more
And I heard it through the grapevine.. We even Beefin Now
After all the years we been down.. aint no way no how
This bullshit cant be true
We Family.. aint a damn thing changed.. unless its you!

We were so young
So full of life and vibrance
side by side, wherever you was riding, I went
So close, almost on some bonnie and clyde shit
When Ronnie died you was right by my side
with a shoulder to cry on and tissue to wipe my eyes
and a bucket to catch ever tear I cried inside it.
You even had the same type of childhood I did..
sometimes I just wanna know why is it that you succaim to yours
and mine I survived it. You ran the streets, I 9 to 5ed it
we grew up, grew apart as time went by us..
and I blew up to both yours and mines surprises.
Now I feel a vibe I just cant describe it
much as your pride tries to hide it. you're cold
your touch is just like ice.
And your eyes is a look of resentment.
I can sense it and I dont like it.

How Come.. we dont even talk no more
And you dont even call no more
We don't barely keep in touch at all
and I don't even feel the same love when we hug no more
And I heard it through the grapevine.. We even Beefin Now
After all the years we been down.. aint no way no how
This bullshit cant be true
We Family.. aint a damn thing changed.. unless its you!

[Kon Artis]

It was my dream at first to be off spitting a verse
on my own album with a deal but shit got worse
fore I came out I woulda killed a nigga first
for I let him disrespect me, or check me over some
worthless bitch that I wasnt with
I woulda hit it and quit
but you were fitting to talk with her and tell her she was the shit
I told you dont get involved with her
you would smoke in the car with her
coming outta the bar with her
stumbling half drunk
like you were husband and wife or somethin
but me catching her fuckin other niggas musta hurt your pride or something
cause you were openin your mouth to people like you wanted with me.
when all I tried to do was show that your bitch was shifty.
And every sister, fares and all the shit that I produced
you acting like I aint your man and lying like she cant be loose.
But I am really your friend, I'm just trying to tell ya the truth.
Dont hate the game or the player
the one thats changing is you.

[Eminen]

How Come.. we dont even talk no more
And you dont even call no more
We dont barely keep in touch at all
and I dont even feel the same love when we hug no more
And I heard it through the grapevine.. We even Beefin Now
After all the years we been down.. aint no way no how
This bullshit cant be true
We Family.. aint a damn thing changed.. unless its you!

[Proof]

Its gets lonely at the top cause my homie had to stop
now we acting like I gotta live only for the block.
And homies in the hood only see me on the tube
So they gossip on the porch
Get ta speaking all rude. fools I used to rap wit all expect magic
like my finger get to snappin
and poof it just happen.
But proof is just acting out the part he was thrown,
shady made it so my babies aint starving at home.
See the devil in your glance,
since the ghetto we been friends, forever real intellegence,
thats forever till the end.
I peep the hatred in your eyes, and the satan in your lies,
aint wasting my time with these snakes in disguise.
(HOW COME) When you talk it's with bitter and spite?
(AND HOW COME) It's my fault for what you did with your life?
And everytime I go to hear you play, you look away,
we barely embrace, you cant even look me in my face.

[Eminem]

How Come.. we dont even talk no more
And you dont even call no more
We dont barely keep in touch at all
and I dont even feel the same love when we hug no more
And I heard it through the grapevine.. We even Beefin Now
After all the years we been down.. aint no way no how
This bullshit cant be true
We Family.. aint a damn thing changed.. unless its you!"

-- 'How Come?' by D12 feat. Eminem

I'm the:

Currently Playing How Come Pt.2 By D12 see related

A WALK TO REMEMBER

Was going to blog abt my feelings now tt my holidays are coming to an end and Law Orientation is over etc etc etc, but am currently feeling too stoned to do so.

Things I did today:

1. Ate fantastic home-cooked pasta.

2. Collect race pack for Nike Real Run + sign up for Army-Half Marathon (Flag off time is at 5.45am!!! WTF???!!!)

3. Go for Law FCG at Eric's house.

4. Watch 'A Walk to Remember' with the dad. Great. Now my eyes are red and stinging from all tt crying. Bah.

"IT'S BEEN SURREAL; HOW DO YOU FEEL, WHEN THE SEAS PART BEFORE YOUR EYES?"

It's over.

Law Orientation is over. The camp, rag and flag - LAW HAS FINALLY PAINSTAKINGLY BROKEN THE CYCLE, BEAT MED FAC AND HAS WON BEST PRESENTATION!!! WHOO HOO!!!), and matric week.

There's a feeling of surrealism at this point in time. Knowing right now at this very moment, tt you don't have to contact your freshies or counsellors anymore, that school is fucking starting and life is quieting down and moving on. No more fucking stupid counsellors to deal with, no more problem freshies to have to handle even when you feel like slapping them. But at the same time, no more fantastic counsellors to mingle with and thank for taking on so many responsibilities and putting their heart and soul into this, and more than tt, no more hanging out with the freshmen tt you love, the ones tt have stuck with you loyally through it all, who helped you, who just made it feel like everything you put in and sacrificed, is worth it.

The past few days have been crazy. Yuwei stayed over on Wed night, but surprisingly I got enough rest. On Thusrday I joined my freshies at LT 15 for tt fake legal writing lecture (Joseph was super unconvincing as a lecturer: "AP David Tan from David & Tan???") - Muahaha to all those freshies who ponned matric and only turned up for the fake lecture. Wasted your fucking time only!

After tt it was off to Sentosa with 15 freshies. We got the so-called "best chalet of the lot", which we shared with OG 1. Since they were bigger, they happily colonised the best room in the house, so my OG had to make do with what with we had left. Nabe. But anyway it was all good. Specific insturctions from the Top included not letting the OG get out of the chalet, keeping them entertained, etc etc etc. Sometimes I think some people think the OGLs are superhuman. They give us a thousand and one things to do and then kao bei when we can't handle all of them. What the fuck man. But anyway the chalet thingy was fun. We got to discuss Drag Queen - poor unfortunate Kelvin from my OG somehow became the victim coz he lost at Indian Poker, and he had to embarass himself wearing Julia's hot pink shorts which looked like hotpants on him, asorted spag straps, bikinis and halters, and I felt so so sorry for him. No wonder he left the moment he could. Muahaha. We learnt how to play 'Pig', this addictive Heart Attack like game which was damn damn fun. And which I was lousy at. Fortunately for me, Alex was lousier "Pig, READY!" and Jiahui was lousiest. So we made him do a forfeit. I suggested him going down the stairs swinging his shirt and singing "I believe in miracles!" Muahaha. Damn funny. The poor boy was damn sporting, but I felt kinda sorry for him coz he seems quite shy. But the girls all agree he has a damn nice bod, so show off can lah. :)

The 4 scariest Fright Night stations had been raided by rangers unfortunately - FUCK -, so they had to relocate. As such Fright Night had to be delayed by over 2 hours. We started around 10pm, which was damn late. Had to explain to my freshies why we were keeping in the chalet so long. Fortunately they were damn understanding.

We started out at the Tunnerl Station first after the opening skit. Fucking near call. Ranger vehicle came up to us at the waiting area. Fortunately Nawaz was there and he and David managed to talk the rangers into leaving the OG alone. Ryan also walked by our waiting area as Colonel Mustard. I think he was patrolling to make sure no more rangers were around. But it was damn funny coz my freshies wanted to catch him. :P

Joanne was great in leading the freshies to the station. They actually felt sorry for her having to walk up and down just to lead them personally. They also liked the Tunnel Station. Apparently it has the highest scare factor to some of them. The next station was Chalet 702, formerly the "bathtub mirror" station at one of the derelict houses tt got raided. I could hear some girls screaming from the outside. Damn funny. Eunice my new freshie was apparently great fun for the counsellors. Although she slapped the hand of one of them when he was trying to help her, a fact tt I in all honesty don't appreciate.

Xiaohui was feeling sick, so I waited with her while someone came to to look after her. Next station was the Toilet station. The most eventful station of all. The station where MY freshie gets immortalised among all the other counsellors. Remember waiting at the end point with David and a few freshies when James comes storming out of the station, white cloak and hood billowing with this Look on his face - not the 'scare-you' look but the 'Houston we have a problem' look behind Eunice and June, as if he were chasing them out. Then he beckons David and me over impatiently and the first thing I think is "Oh fuck. What happened now?"

And then he tells me tt June physically attacked Zhihao, who was standing in the first cubicle. She punched and kicked him. He told me tt I needed to reign in my freshies. I was quite worried at this time coz I didn't know what to do, but worry became anger when June kept going on and on about how she 'kicked the crap out of the counsellor'. FYI you aren't supposed to hurt the counsellors. They are doing this shit for your benefit. It isn't fun to sit in some small dark cubicle in full hood and make-up and do the same thing over and over and over again. What fucking God given right have you to attack them and even if you do, HOW the fuck can you actually stand there and repeatedly talk about it as if you were fucking PROUD of what you had done? My god I felt like slapping her at tt point in time. So I kept quiet, didn't say a thing, and let David handle the matter till I cooled down. I couldn't trust myself with words, and at least David has a natural talent for soothing things. But I think she knew I was mad. Coz I know my anger shows in my eyes, and I knew she saw it.

Fortunately the next 2 stations were the non-scary stations, which was good, coz it was a lot lighter at heart. Eunice and Joanna were damn funny as Professor Plum and her cronies, and at the Palawan Beach hu2 li4 jing1 station where Jiahui's shirt got stolen by Clarissa *insert drooling noises here*, Jordan did a lap dance on me, and he got traumatised by Clarissa in return. Damn cute. The freshies liked the station. I was afraid June was going to attack Clarissa when she sat next to her and pretended to be possessed, but fortunately June doesn't attack girls (I think).

The next station was the former Hospital, now Cove station. Damn cute. I heard a very loud "WHAT THE FUCK?!" from Azmin when he went in. June went in with Alex who kept making such ridiculous comments tt she wasn't as frightened. Which was good. The freshies didn't think it was as scary tho. Fuck lah. Why did we have to relocate from Mansion???!!!

After that station it was on to the former Mansion II station (and formerly the scariest station in Fright Night) to the current Path station. The freshies recognised Siyuan as Sauron from Seniors Concert and made fun of his tt way. The girls went in for the station in groups of 4, which was damn unscary - but at least no violence ensued. And June said she warned Albert not to get close to her otherwise she would beat him up, and he stayed away.

Unfortunately coz we had to cut by 4am the freshies didn't get to go to the Sadako Chalet station, which would be the now scariest station in Fright Night, which was a damn waste. So Davd and I brought them on a tour of Mansion II and roughly showed them where what was supposed to be. It was agreed tt in the original location, things would be 100x scarier than they were. Esp as Mansion is really haunted.

I fell asleep around 6+am. Was supposed to sleep with the girls in one room but David didn't want to sleep with the guys coz tt room was apparently too cold for him. So we switched rooms instead, which was a blessing for me coz I got a bed (muahaha) while he had to sleep on the floor, and I got a lot of space too coz Nick was conservative and slept a lot closer to Shang. Azmin (I think) said tt this proves tt he prefers guys over girls.

Wad-EVER! (Azmin style)

Anyway in the night, 7 people left us. So for Beach Bash day on Friday my OG had severely dwindled in size. Of course tho, the ones who stayed are the ones I love the most, so tt was comepletely fine with me. We played around Siloso Beach; swam with Nick and David, talked to the freshies, played 4 stations of Orientation Games... Pretty lazy day. Quite fun lah, splashing in the sea and lying on the sand. Coz Kelvin had escaped the night before, Azmin gamely became the new drag queen, and he had to dress up as a Playboy Bunny. The spag strap, tight black trunks, black stockings, eeyore ears, make-up and tt white bunny tail tuft on his butt were THE ULTIMATE!!! I felt so so sorry for him. He was the consummate Kumar in his drag act, I swear. Maybe a little OTT coz he was making up vital stats jokes like "36-24-14-36" and calling himself 'a chick with a dick', but he was amazing. He was SO Good and SO brave and SO sporting, and to sound really cheesy, I felt really really proud to have him in my OG at tt point in time. And Grace, Angie and Alex were all really really supportive of him too.

After Drag and dinner (which wasn't enough for me), we negotiated with the FOCC for our OG to take Azmin and Alex's cars back to NUS. I went back with Alex and June. Alex kindly let me bathe in his hall. I swear, my freshies are a class act. They knew tt I was damn stressed coz David wasn't around, and even tho the comm people had made arrangements tt weren't comfortable for them, they didn;t abandon me and actually helped me a lot. We were to go back to NUS at 9.30pm, find halls to bathe in, and sleep in the classrooms provided. All sleeping arrangements were to be settled by the OGs ourselves, so if no one brought sleeping bags it would all be the cold hard floor. No one was allowed to go back to their halls to sleep. Wake up time is 6.15 am. Breakfast is 7.15am. Movement to SRC between 7.45am and 8am. And the Law Rag performance is only at 11am.

Just hearing these arrangements, I expected my freshies who stayed in hall to leave. But they didn't. June was sweet. Even tho I was very very angry with her for attacking Zhihao, I think she more than redeemed herself later. She brought all her sleeping stuff from her hall to share with the OG. Alex let me bathe in his hall as well. Derick was fantastic as a counsellor. Even though he was really busy with Rag, he spent time with the OG coz David wasn't around, he went for supper with us, and muahaha... he helped us bend the rules tt he and the Rag Comm set for the OGs. :P And later when the others came back, we all spent some time in the classroom and then went over to Fong Seng for supper.

Nick was super nice. He let me sleep on the table with the pillow. We woke up around 6.50am on Rag Day coz I let them sleep. Figured since we only needed to be out of the classroom at 7, as long as they shifted all the furniture back and cleared out, other arrangements could be made later. Azmin kindly helped me get breakfast, and we all agreed at some point in time tt the OG is beginning to TALK LIKE EACH OTHER. There is Azmin's "Wad-EVER!" and Alex's "(something)... READY" (said in a "position change!" manner) and David's "YEEEUUUCK!" and "I so poor thing..." Goodness.

So after breakfast we headed down to SRC. The arrangements were crap. It was partly our fault. We didn't come up with cheers for the freshies, so we couldn't lead them in cheers. And someone was blaming the freshies for their lack of energy, but rightly said, it was our responsibility to keep them occupied. As was it our responsibility to take care of their welfare, a requirement which I think was not satisfied. Was in a damn pissy mood coz of the arrangements. I understand them and the objectives behind them, but I don't agree with them one bit. But at least the rag floats and presentations were damn entertaining. Grace was so impressed. :) And Jordan, Shang and Zihua actually came all the way down as well, which I felt quite grateful for.

Law won best presentation!!! Have to say it again. I kind of wish we'd won it last year when I performed, but better late than never. And I KNOW we deserved it. The hours put in on the dancing, which was SO profressional and impressive, as were the amazing stunts, the costumes designed by Yuet Min and the amazing props! I know so many people didn't sleep all of the night before, which is especially gruelling coz of the Fright Night on Thurs as well, and the sheer energy and power in the presentation tt had judges personally clapping and smiling during the performance, is damn power. I was afraid Med Fac would win again coz even tho their item is simple and less intricate or as technically-sound as ours, it does have mass appeal.

Fortunately this year, the judges knew better than to just judge on mass appeal. MUAHAHAHA!!! This proves reusing your 6/8-legged prop for 3 years in a row does not necessarily mean you'll win all those 3 years!

After tt, my freshies and I and Albert zhao to SRC canteen for a drink and a bite, and Alex kindly gave 5 of us a lift to our respectives homes in 'the hearse' (our nickname for his car). I LOVE Alex's car. Damn fun to sit in the boot and wave to people in the cars behind. Muahaha.

I love my freshies.

On one hand, I'm so glad tt all this is finally OVER and I can resume with a more quiet and normal life etc. But on the other hand, I know I'll miss them, my freshies. I'll miss Grace and Angie, the two girls who just really really brightened up everything for me with their enthusiasm and their niceness and their loyalty and sensitivity, Azmin and Alex for their sheer funniness and humour, their sportingness and spontaenity, their sensitivity and their maturity (even tho the both of them pretend to be bo-chup 'fuck care' slackers, they are DAMN sweet underneath), Nick for his onzness and maturity and responsibility and his caringness, and Jordan and Shang for their caring and loyalty and niceness, and June for her enthusiasm (Fright Night aside, she was a wonderful freshie and very spunky) and generosity in sharing her sleeping stuff etc, and Jiahui and Kelvin for their sportingness when they came, and to Eunice for staying throughout as well in spite of everything.

It's still so surreal and it's still sinking in, the fact tt everything is over. But I guess it helps tt I have in my possession my stack of 59 pages to read for Tuesday's lecture (FUCK), my timetable and the knowledge tt this sem I'm going to have a damn happening tutorial group including Terri, Dave, Weitan and Joanne, and also, the knowledge tt I am now a Shearite!!!

Whoohoo.

THE RETURN OF TAEKWONDO-KIA!

Cheesy movie-type title aside, YES, suffice to say my good mood is BACK! After two days of Absolut Fuck (think Freshmen Inaug Ceremony on Monday with mysterious disappearing freshies tt *I* have to account for WHAT THE FUCK???!!!, and NUS Flag Day on Tuesday where swarms of NUS students dressed in red infest the streets of Singapore and you walk around from City Hall to Raffles Place in the blazing sun to sell flags, only to get scolded by some cheebye asshole coz there are way too many NUS students on the loose, and then have damn xiong training in the evening to top it off???!!!), today was good.

Okay, better than the past few days. Yesterday night I collapsed face-down on my bed at 11.30pm. DAMN tired after my first dragonboat land training since uh... end-of-April. First training I thought would be slack, maybe play smoe netball/basketball, go for short 2km run tt kind... We ran the 6km route at a very fast pace. Wah lau... Feeling sick the night before, damn tired + tulan + didn't eat enough on the day itself, while running I got stitches, could feel the air in my stomach, had tt horrible lactice acid overload in my legs... FUCK man. So my run was seriously fucked-up.

I HATE myself, absolutely HATE myself, when I underperform.

But anyway the rest of training was better, even though when I got home my legs were aching like mad, and even today both my legs and arms are aching from a monster run + first gym session in 3 months.

This morning I got to school stoned. I had no energy; I didn't even FEEL like being energetic. I guess as an OGL you have to try and be enthu even when you're damn fucking drained coz then your freshies, who are probably damn sian of orientation already, will not just lose their steam and drop out, but seriously, I didn't even feel like trying. Damn pissy mood. If not for David and the upbeatness of my core freshies, I don't know what would have happened. *sigh*

I was away form the OG for pretty long though. In the morning they had mardi gras - or rather this event where they showcase a mascot for their OG + set up a games stall etc. And then after tt they compete in games so tt they can buy second hand books in a better condition. But because I was taking part in the Seniors' Concert in the afternoon, I excused myself for the dry-run at 10am.

Or rather, it was supposed to start at 10am. Me and Ryan were stoning, sitting around, changing in and out of our gi; we even had an early lunch... but no dry-run. But in the end, somehow everything worked out.

We gave the taekwondo performance of the year (our only performance of this year at least).

Me and Ryan were supposed to play these two 'mysterious practitioners of a secret martial art' tt were super ego and at loggerheads with each other. So we'd base our act on 4 components - a play-acting bit where we pretended to not like each other, an unarmed combat bit, a sparring bit and a destruction bit.

So Ryan attacked me with a bread knife for the unarmed combat bit, and I kicked it out of his hands. But too much adrenalin, I accidentally kicked his head damn hard too. I started laughing a bit and forgot my mjove, so he had to fall by himself. But the freshmen watching looked shocked when I kicked his head. Then again so did he.

Still laughing, we moved on to the second second part, which involved me falling. That looked impressive... I hope.

Next it was on to sparring to Mortal Kombat music... muahaha. Which was ok except a) I was laughing, which is a no no; b) I was panting SUPER hard, which was damn funny, c) our sparring shouts of 'pa-hey!' is damn funny to listen to.

For the last part, we had destruction. 5 boards - Ryan took 3 and I took 2. We got 4 random freshies to hold the board for us. Ryan did a reverse kick, jumping front kick (damn impressive!) and a backthrust. I did a turning kick and my usual 360 degree turning kick (ooh. My hunky freshie Andre was holding the board for tt kick). Broke both boards. Muahaha.

Inspite of the cock-ups for our demo, from what I heard it lookedpretty impressive. Muahaha. So tt makes me happy. So I'm happy.

And a good Italian dinner as well as my bestest friend in the world staying over for the night, just makes everything even better! Muahaha.

Tomorrow. Sentosa and the beginning of 48 hours of no sleep.

Feel like throwing up. Think am falling sick.

DIE!!!

"THEIR FUN ROW IS OUR DISASTER"

In the tradition of NUS dragonboat (girls' team only), senior rowers organise a 'Fun Row' session annually to get freshies interested in the sport and therefore the team. In line with this tradition, a junior's fun row is generally a senior's disaster row because the water seniors' pull is a lot heavier coz the freshies consist of heh... dead weight.

This tradition is absent in the guys' team because they don't NEED more rowers. Besides, they already have a problem of gays joining dragonboat. During Matric Fair, when we were helping them pull in people they told us to make sure 'no gays sign up'. And then when this suspected gay stood in front of the booth, the 2 guys pretended to be really absorbed in whatever they were doing, even as he came all the way up to them and peered down at them. Only after he said "Can I sign up?" did they reluctantly hand him the sign-up sheet. And marked against his name to make sure he wasn't contacted. Guys have this 'gay radar' tt girls don't have I guess, coz I wouldn't have known. Or cared. *evil grin*

But I guess they have a point. I mean, it's not very secure to row in a team half-naked in very close proximity, with the nagging fear tt everytime you drop the soap it's going to hurt a lot more than you think. And the fears are not unfounded. The guys are already on Sgboy.com, this gay S'porean website. Albeit with not-very-nice comments given muahaha (and yes the pics are 100% original). This is a large part of the reason why they are going to make the first session for the freshies another 'whack-till-you-peng-san' session - to separate the 'real men' (so-called) from the ones who just want to screw around.

But anyway back to us girls. From the very beginning.

In the morning I took a CAB to school to reach there ON TIME at 8.45am in the morning after receiving Mona's message (sent at close to 2am the night before) tt we were supposed to be there. I didn't want to be late. Surprise surprise. No one else got tt message.

Argh.

But anyway it was fun chilling, using up my last $5 in my wallet for cab fare and having to borrow money from Mona (who also only had $%) for breakfast. Then as more people started coming and the freshies started coming, I became to enthusiastic 'toilet auntie' - the person who directed every one to the toilet, etc. And Mona was excitedly telling us - or trying to - a piece of good news.

Mona: "I have a piece of good news to tell you."
Geox: "What? No more running?"
Mona: "No. Not tt good."
Geox: "What? You're moving to Boon Lay?"

Coz Geox and Mona live damn near each other, and every time Mona goes for a run she will instinctively DRAG Geox with her.

(Actually piece of good news was tt Mona would be getting a new bike, but I thought Geox's speculations were a lot more worth puitting up!)

Anyway among the freshies who came there was this girl called Sarah who had pink-streaked hair. I LOVE her hair!!! It's so cool and head-turning. And her friend's so hot too, with a really nice golden tan (tt I've lost! Waaah!). And there's a group of girls incl 1 called Mabelline (who will make for a lot of cosmetics jokes to come), and MY COUSIN!!! Denise! Muahaha. Coz if you are reading this *huge bear hug and kiss* I love you thanks for coming down!!!

I tried to apply my so-called OGL people skills to the freshies, interacting with them etc. Didn't really talk to tt many but I thought those I did talk to were really nice. David coached our 'Fun Row', which IMHO wasn't really all tt fun... I guess there is only so much fun you can get out of dragonboat rowing alone, esp when you lack the arm strength as a freshie, but the answers I got when I asked everyone how they found training was "It's ok. I'm ok." Hope they were being honest and not just nice, but I think they seem like really nice girls. Sporty, or sporting, and really willing to try out new stuff. Plus I have pretty high hopes. The girls have a lot of potential. It didn't take long for their timing to go from 'char kuay teow' to quite together, and their strokes were quite nice for a first time tryout. And some of them were really whacky and fun.

Mona likes my cousin. She thinks she is funny. I like my cousin too. I think she is funny too. But I foresee a future of Mona and my cousin agreeing with each other too much when I get high and start doing all sorts of funny things tt I do when high, like sing out-of-tune, or go "Yip yip yip" or dance around. Ugh.

In other notes, my eye-candy made a reappearance. *sigh* I haven't seen many guys who can carry off Asics shorts well. He's one of them. :( But oh well. Will just say 'goodbye'. Goodbye.

It rained heavily just after the row ended so we - the now-senior rowers, had to huddle in the shelter before going to bathe. But the time we finished bathing it was 2pm and the guys had arrived already for their training. Had lunch at City Hall at 3pm, went to church at 6pm, had steamboat dinner at home at 8pm... And in between all my SMS messaging and deseminating of info for Law Matric is going to make my dad hit the roof when he sees my handphone bill for this month.

HAIL COMMUNIST CHINA!

People who know me from JC remember tt I used to have nothing good to say about Hwa Chong. I used to compare it to Communist China. I used to complain about how our uniforms made us look like factory workers. I used to say how standing in the courtyard was like standing in Tiannanmen waiting for Chairman Ang to address us.

And yet today I went for the 30th Homecoming Carnival - which is the last event tt Hwa Chong will be celebrating as a JC before it integrates with Chinese High and becomes Hwa Chong Institution (which Mr. Perry says is just another name for the Hwa Chong Asylum).

That's right, we went back to the Humanz Room to visit the tutors too. But not to get too ahead of myself; before going back to school I had lunch with Marky-Mark at the Rice Table. It's this Indonesian restaurant at Cuppage that has buffet for lunch and dinner at $12.80 and $18.80 respectively. There's a choice of 14 dishes including tauhu telur, beef rendang, chicken satay, sayur lodei, etc. Not bad lah. Had a decent conversation with Mark as alway, then we made our way down to Hwa Chong around 2.30pm.

Got there about 2.55pm and hung around the Humanz balcony. It was a mess. Full of people; and very messy (eg dirty). Stalls were set up for selling food and games (there was one where the vice-principal got dunked in water twice), and uh... they were playing Chinese music (i.e. old HC songs tt I never bothered to learn). The 'rest' of our class - Elly, Eunice, Peiying, Hsien, Junch and much later, Yanli came by; but for all the promises from other people tt they would be coming as well, I heard neither head nor tail of them either.

We stopped by the Humanz Room - my first visit in over a year. Perry was there, but Burge came by later. Perry asked most of everyone where they were, and he got answers like 'Cambridge', 'Oxford', 'York', 'Warwick' and 'LSE'. Obviously I was not asked. But besides tt, we did engage in small talk with him and later Mr. Burge - who looks a lot like John Kerry. "Vote Kerry!" We also asked questions like "Where is Mr. Miles?" and were directed to the white board in the front tt read "Mr. Miles is not ****! here", and we took photos. Mark using the timer on Hsien's camera makes for good entertainment. I have incriminating photos of him on my handphone now. :) Now if I super-imposed another guy standing behind facing him bent over the table...

Anyway photo:

For the record, from left to right tt's Hsien, Junch, Perry and Kerry... I mean Burge, me, Eunice, Elly and Emily. Peiying's left the room and Mark doesn't know how to work the timer on my camera (so he's taking the picture for this shot).

After tt we walked around a bit coz Mark was desperate to finish his $20 worth of coupons (he didn't). Bumped into Jon from Law 2 times with his gf.

Took some photos with Hsien at the Humanz Balc:

That's Hsien aka 'Tiny' to the left, and tt's me to the right. I hate my arms. Ugh. You should see why. And YES, I am losing my gorgeous tan. Fuck. Girl in blue with back to audience is Peiying, and guy leaning over like he wants to fall over the railing is Mark.

Did the mass dance 'Wild Wild West', or the little I remembered of it, and then went up to the Taekwondo Room to see if things had changed. This is the punching bag, my pride and joy for 2002:

After all this we left for Venezia for ice-cream.

All in all, IMHO the Carnival was about as good as I'd expected it to be. Which was not tt good. The class gathering had as good a showing as I expected. WHich is not tt much. But we engaged in decent conversation; met up with certain people I would have liked to see again, and had a decent Thai dinner meal and conversation with Yanli after tt. I like Carrefour's mango pudding with huge mango chunks and aloe vera juice with huge aloe vera chunks, but I can't find Junch's beef bones either. :(

Tomorrow: more fun stuff. Dragonboat water training for me. Fun Row for my juniors, multiple-tyre-row for me.

Btw, if I sound a little bitter, don't mind me. My tolerance for fakes, original girls, super bimbos and most of all stupid people is currently at zero.

I don't know how this relates to everything, but I feel like I've lost a lot more faith in the human species, or at least in Singaporeans. I feel tt sometimes people make promises tt they don't mean at all, and in the end these promises just get broken. Sometimes they are small promises and you think they don't matter to you, but maybe you don't realise tt they might mean more to other people. If you want to make a promise, no matter how small it is, mean to do it. If you know tt you can't, then don't make it. Coz unless it's an emergency like your grandfather just died or something, then don't give me fucked up excuses. Coz I'm damn close to telling you to go fuck yourself already.

On the upside, check out this link for the ultimate lameness in KTV.

BREAK THE CYCLE

Law Matriculation Week feels like Law Camp all over again.

Except for of course, the obvious: the jaded-but-bonded 'old freshies, and the 6 clueless new freshies (whom I hope will integrate well into the OG and catch tt same spirit. I don't think it should be tt difficult coz my OG has the nicest freshies I know, but here's keeping my fingers crossed).

Is it me, or are couples sprouting up everywhere since Law Orientation started? We have a new counsellor-counsellor pairing now, and a new counsellor-freshie pairing too. And possibly more on the way, especially of the freshie-freshie variety. Ooh how exciting. :)

I understand tt some of my freshies have/may have access to this blog. The knowledge is a little unnerving because I reveal sides to myself tt I don't normally show others, if at all. But after a bit of consideration, I've decided to go on as per normal and keep the blog here, the way it's always been (in any case I LIKE this blog. I like the ugly boring no-skin layout because I realise tt it best describes the way I want things and my life to be. Serves its purpose, doesn't beat around the bush, and doesn't give you an overdose of pink-cutseyness tt will push me into a state of psychotic aggression). I've never had anything to hide, and like I said in a previous entry, I don't practice self-censorship. My blog is all honesty; if people read something they don't like, it's their own fault coz no one is stopping them from leaving the page. I will admit tho, tt as far as matric programs go I will not mention any info of what is happening in the next week on my blog, just to be safe. So for any of my freshies reading this, here's a wave and a big 'hi' to you. :)

Anyway I'll just do a brief recap of today. It's the last day of Matric Fair - with the chapalang groups of Law, Med, and I think, Music. Coz Bikwei made it damn clear in her email tt counsellors were to be in school by 9am sharp, for the first time in Law Orientation history I was punctual. But almost half of the rest of the counsellors were late.

After a briefing and a walk-through, I went down to the Matric Fair even tho I wasn't on duty today to help pull in people for Dragonboat. I believed tt my presence would help a lot more coz I could co-erce people into joining, plus it would be a lot more fun than just waiting at LT 15 for the freshies.

So I bounced over to MPSH where Angeline and Meiping were (yes, I was SUPER high in the morning), and my presence helped a leeeeetle bit. I managed to get people to sign up for both the guys' and girls' team on sheer enthusiasm and doggedness alone, but not tt many lawyerrrs. Oh, but I did get Andre aka Fabio Man of Men to sign up! Haha. I'm so happy. To be honest he's my fave non-OG freshie coz I think he's cute and superrr-nice. :) He obliged to sign up on my account even tho we both know he prob won't join Dragonboat. And I got another guy from either OG 3 or OG 6 to join simply by standing in front of him and going "Please Please PLEASE do it for me!!!" until he grabbed the pen just to get me off his back.

I think I've just given the guys' team 2 more admin problems to handle.

The Law FCG people were at the CSS group, so Renita came over to talk to me too. And in the meantime give me phamplets to hand out for Law FCG. So since then I was standing in front of the dragonboat booth handing out phamplets for BOTH dragonboat and Law Catholics. Angeline and Meiping found it highly amusing how I traumatised people by first asking them if they were interested in joining dragonboat, and then if they were in Law and were Catholic. Or how I would be selective and ask some people (the bigger/sportier ones) to join dragonboat, and the other people (the not so sporty ones who look Ang-mohnised) if they were from Law and Catholic.

Finally found out who Justin from the guy's team is too (he's the one who looks as cute as a furry animal). He's Catholic too! He looked amused and content to let us girls jio everyone for them.

David called me around 11.30am coz he was a little irritated tt I had disappeared and left him to deal with the incoming freshies alone. So I waited for my 'old' freshies - Angie, Grace, Heather, Alex, Azmin, Jordan, Shang and Nick to come by, and then I conveniently left with and led them back to LT 15 via Law Fac.

We have 6 new freshies now - 3 guys and 3 girls. 1 girl left before I came tho. I kinda feel sorry for the new freshies a little coz our 'old' freshies have bonded so well tt they must feel really left out of everything. But I hope tt over the next week they will blend into the group. It shouldn't be difficult if they come for all the days and activities, and make the outings. But if they keep siam-ing then it'll be hard for them to blend in. But here's crossing my fingers. The new people look damn nice too.

For Ice-Breakers after lunch, all the guys left, and only Huiyi was the lone new freshie. Ironic for Ice-Breakers - coz the rest of my freshies knew each other so damn well. We lost 2 games and won 2 games, but for one of those we won we DID the forfeit - this funny thing where you lie on each others' stomachs and go 'ha ha ha' counting) because my freshies WANTED to. They thought it would be damn fun. John Lu says it's because our G1 is David. David warps everyone. Muahaha. But I like David.

And it was damn fun for me, watching them. :P

But after Ice-Breakers I was really really damn shacked. Thing about being really high is tt after tt when you hit a low, it's REALLY low. And David disappeared after lunch for his band practice, so I more or less had to handle the OG. But kudos for my counsellors for helping! And my OG's really independent/zi4 dong4, so tt helps me millions.

Wanted to practice with Ryan for Wed, but some emergency cropped up for him. Am worried both for him and Wed. Suspect we'll be cancelling. Am disappointed, but the reason is justified.

Went to Mac's with Joanna, Jit and Debbie for dinner coz I didn't get my parents to cook in anticipation of tt practice thing, plus I was superrr tired and hungry. Jit was really heath-conscious. She only ate an apple, wanted to dirnk orange juice, and I watched on in fascinated horror as she and Debbie painstakingly squeezed the oil out of every fry.

They say it tastes nicer.

Right.

They say it's healthier.

Right.

I won't even go into my views on the whole topic.

But anyway somehow I ended up making a comment on one of the huge benefits of having a bf: whenever you want to ask him around/out at the last moment, chances are he'll always agree. Coz he'd rather cancel on his other commitments to be with you (point proven with Jo's bf).

Oh well, but if I haven't said it enough, I'm content being the way I am. Single, independent, and free. :)

Coz I'm prob gonna stay this way for a long long time.

Anyway will sleep early tonight. Have JC class outing + Hwa Chong homecoming carnival to attend tomorrow.

I'm going to sign up for AHM. Am thinking of competitive (tho I've never tried the route). Will not be going for Triathalon coz I STILL can't cycle. Bah.

Instruction: Bold whatever applies.

i have a cell phone.

i have friends who use me.

i am an only child.

i am a shopaholic.

i love dangly earrings.

i have smoked a cigarette before.

i love cold weather.

i'm obsessed with the computer.

i have shot a gun before.

i can't live without music.

i have no tolerance of ignorant people.

i have ridden on a motorcycle before.

i'll be in this town forever.

i've been to 5 other countries.

i get annoyed easily.

i eventually want kids.

i have neat handwriting.

i have more than a few horrible memories.

i am addicted to chocolate.

i am an atheist.

my parents are strict.

i love airplane rides.

i love taking pictures.

i hate girls who are fake.

i can be mean when i want to.

my parents care about my grades.

one of my best friends is a guy.

i have way too many purses.

i'm obsessed with lip gloss.

i am easy to talk to.

i would never eat raw fish.

i cry easily.

i hate when people are late.

i procrastinate.

i love winter.

i have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.

i love to sleep.

i wish i were smarter.

i'm afraid of flying.

i hate drama.

i bite my nails.

i have been on an 8 hour drive.

i never fight with my parents.

i love the beach.

i have never had the chicken pox.

i have gone out in public in my pajamas.

i can't control my emotions.

i have a best friend.

i haved moved more than once.

i truly love my friends.

i have/had braces.

i love to write.

i have never broken a bone.

i agree with racist people.

i hate my computer.

i love guys that play the drums.

i state the obvious.

i'm a happy person.

i love to dance.

i love to sing.

i love cleaning my room.

i tend to get jealous very easily.

i love cute underwear.

i have gotten high before.

i love night better than day.

i have been on the phone for over 5 hours at a time.

i don't like to study for tests.

i love God.

i am too forgiving.

i have horrible sense in direction.

i miss elementary school.

i have had a boyfriend before.

i'm a daddy's girl.

i love kisses on my forehead.

i love the color pink.

i love to sew.

my eye color changes.

i should see a therapist.

i played on a guys sports team.

i become stressed easily.

i hate liars.

i like comfy sweatpants.

i can play the piano.

i love the smell of rain.

i love my family.

i hate needles.

i am a perfectionist.

i always wanted to learn to play the drums.

i hate the feeling of failure.

i have friends in other countries.

i know how to cook.

i can be quite selfish.

at times, i still act like a little kid.

i have food allergies.

i love little kids.

i love to read.

i wish i were more motivated for school.

i love getting stuff in the mail.

i love summer.

i love the weekends.

i love black eyeliner.

i think i'm pretty.

i type with one hand.

i live in a one story house.

i wear make-up.

i have never rode on an underground subway.

i can't swim.

i have bad memory.

i go to church.

i sing in the shower.

i have never been camping.

i hate cheerleaders.

i usually get what i want.

i have been on stage before.

i love roller coasters.

no one knows my full story of my life.

i am close with my parents.

i don't have a curfew.

NO TIME TO WATCH MY LIFE FLASH BY

Thursday! Finally, one whole free day to myself. Can't believe how ecstatic I am. Muahaha.

Anyway the past 3 days have passed in a blurrr. When I told my parents I would be busy, they underestimated just how busy I would be.

1. Monday:

Pre-Flag Day/Canvassing Day for Rag & Flag. The day where desperate law students go to various law firm to beg for paltry sums of money. Had to wake up at the ungodly hour of 7 to get my butt down to Raffles Place MRT by 8.30am. David said he had something on, and no other counsellor turned up till after lunch, so I was effectively the only senior amidst my OG of donation-collectors. But even so, we managed to form a group of *10* people (which is considered huge) because a record number of 9 of my freshies turned up! I love my freshies. I can't say it enough, how proud I am of them. Guys like Azmin ready to drive down within 30 minutes of knowing tt there is canvassing on the morning itself. Or Alex and Jordan skipping hall orientation for canvassing (imagine tt). And basically everyone else who really did sacrifice almost 8 hours of their lives for this.

I hate canvassing. I hated it as a freshie, and I still hate it now. I'd been depending on more counsellors - or at least David - to come down because I had no confidence myself in teaching the freshies how to to collect donations. Yet my freshies were more than enthusiastic; they took the initiative all by themselves. They split themselves up into unsupervised groups; Nick became the de facto leader, and Angie and Grace were fantastic in talking to the companies' representatives. Even tho they were all new to rejection, they didn't lose their steam - they even happily went to non-law firms on their own initiative to get more $.

Of course, our collection was feeble. Law firms tend to be the most stingy, esp when canvassing is a twice-yearly affair for law fac, and Shenton Way firms are the WORST. Ironic t firms in poorer locations like Chinatown will be more generous than firms in posh offices. I mean, if you can hire a receptionist, you can damn well part with tt $2. At least.

2. Tuesday:

Met a friend for lunch around 11.30am. Had a free-tour of California Fitness Centre while I was at it. Tt place is amazing. I WANT. I WAAAAANT. I hate running on threadmills, I don't like the bike and the stairmaster, but all the weights I want are there. And all the classes I want are there. But $58 a month is SO not worth it... Argh.

Had interesting conversation with friend over lunch. Involved embarassing secret of freshie (not my OG) as well as certain fetishes. He speculates tt I have a thing for good bodies. Come to think of it, I have to admit tt yes, I have a thing for good bodies. It's double standards coz my body looks far from good, but honestly, muscles turn me on. That's why I like guys with broad shoulders, arms bigger than mine, and muscular (not stick) legs. I realise tt this is a bit hard to find in Singapore. Okay, quite lah. Unless I really do go for a body-builder (but like I'd said before; chances of them marrying their mirrors is higher). Oh well. Sad fact of life.

...

Anyway won't divulge much else of conversation. I have belief tt I will remain single for at least another 10 years. Apart from tt, after friend left early I went to while some time away window-shopping. Okay, ended up buying a Nike top tt I'd been seeing around for quite some time but had refrained from buying. I am turning WEAK. I love sportswear. Running shorts, Nike tops etc etc etc. Dammit I have to stop this.

Left for Harbourfront around 2.15pm. Met Guanzhen, Tenny, Keng Keong and later Terri in the carpark, then we headed over to Sentosa for our dry-runs.

Wah lau. Me and David weren't around for the all-important instructions to wear shoes. We paid dearly for it. For the record, I have 10 mosquito bites on my left foot (foot, not leg) alone and 7 on my right. KNNB. And I have even more on my legs and arms and hands. I tell you, Tuesday was a fucking scratch-fest for me. That was all I seemed to be doing. Even Tenny felt sorry for me.

On the upside, we got to learn Taiwanese Heart Attack. Muahaha. Damn fun. Especially saboeing David and KK. When KK keeps ALMOST-winning and then ultimately losing, all the Hokkien curse words start coming out. And then he and Paul keep saboing each other, it is so freaking hilarious.

The stations were good too, IMHO. The counsellors did a damn good job, even though there are a lot of improvements to be made. Me, Terri and Shin keep sticking together for the stations. Terri always forces herself in the middle, and I always try to make Shin go first (I'm evil). Not supposed to divulge too much, but nevermind. Soon all will come to light.

The downside was the waiting time. We were waiting so fucking much and I kept getting all my mosquito bites while waiting. And all tt excitement just faded to sian-ness after a while. We ended the entire day with a briefing at 3+am. By the time I got home and slept it was damn fucking late. Even got in trouble with the dad coz I told him not to wait up, but he insisted, and in the end at 2-something he called to scold me for not telling him where I was. Not too good coz I was so damn tired I was damn close to yelling at him on the phone.

In other news, I've come to realise tt even after you know you're completely over someone, sometimes the little stabs of wistfulness do surface every now and then when you see things tt remind you or what could have been, and maybe what you might have lost.

Wednesday:

I didn't sleep on Tuesday night. I had a 2 hour nap.

Woke up at 7.15am. Zhenyi called me on the phone. Apparently coz I'm on duty for dragonboat at the matric fair, and I have to help Zhenyi man the booth. Waste my fucking time. Came at 8am, the guys only came close to 9.30am, and the people only started coming in at 10am. I was still very tired, my eyes were bleary, and I was in a very dull mood.

The day was super dull as well. The only faculties for the day was SOC/Comp Engin in the morning, and Bizad/SDE in the afternoon. The former faculty has very few people, and is made up of 3/4 PRCs/Indians - and I'm a fucking kentang elistist anti-China Chinese xenophobe, and the latter faculty, tho more promising than the first, has too many Original Girls. I learnt for Zhenyi tt my dragonboat senior Yunshan and ex-captain Serene used to be Original Girls themselves, but my stand is tt there are Original Girls tt can be pirated (like them), and Original Girls tt are too-far gone.

Btw, when I mention Original Girls, I mean the ones who try to look like Taiwanese stars and absolutely will die from physical activity, get scared damn easily; the super-fragile got no spirit type girls. There are a lot of slim, pretty girls I know who are gung-ho and sporty. They run, they do track, they climb, they're damn onz, and the fact is tt these type of girls have an X-factor tt the really Original Girls lack (besides the fact tt these girls can be 'pirated'). That is why the HOTTEST girls (there is 'hot' and there is 'HOT') are always the slim, pretty ones who are sporty.

Meiping joined us for lunch, I played phamplet-girl/walked around the area looking for friends, and well, tt pretty much sums up my day. It was so boring I could just kill myself. I'm not good at this pulling-people-in-job coz I'm too prejudiced (I refrain from approaching PRCs and Original Girls), I don't introduce training enough, and I get tired too easily. Can't keep tt smile on my face for long. Ernest from the guys' team was actually more successful at sweet-talking girls into signing up. We would have made him our official female recruiter except for the fact tt he only recruits chio bus (i.e. Mango addicts), not our needed back-packers (the bigger, fitter ones).

I wish I could do matric fair duty on Friday instead when the Law people come in, so tt I can use my clout (or at least my connections with the freshies) to get them to sign their names on the sign-up list. Okay, so Law is too small to have many potential dragonboat girls, but I believe I really can get one or two to at least come for the first few trainings.

But unfortunately I found out tt I have to be stationed at LT 15 on Friday morning. :(

Besides tt, one of my teammates roped in my cousin Dee! She just messaged me last night saying tt she's coming for the Fun Row on Sun! How exciting!!! I want to have my cousin in Dragonboat too! She will make a damn good addition to the back-pack! Muahaha.

Went home for half-an-hour of shot-eye, then bought ice-cream from Venezia and headed for my OG bbq. Probably the highlight of my 3 days.

Almost everyone was there. Had a lot of fun. There was a lot of food, both cooked and to-be-cooked, a lot of dessert, and we played stupid games like tt Taiwanese Heart Attack.

Because I was so tired, I decided to abstain from any alcohol whatsoever. Unfortunately we had 2 rounds of a drinking game (Indian Poker), where 2 people helped sabo themselves. Me and David sabo-ed ourselves. I happily went to pour a lot of absolut mandarin into my cup. So imagine my shock when I realised tt I had to finish 3-4 shots worth of vodka in one gulp. And because David had been happily guzzling on Bailey's before, his forfeit made him damn high.

So there were 2 high people at the BBQ - both the OGLS of OG2. He started playing his guitar and singing for us. He started out with sappy songs like 'Now and Forever', and ended up making up songs about everyone. I started bursting into giggles/laughter at everything. Besides turning the colour of a lobster. Everyone looked horrified for me.

I love my freshies. Dammit I can't say it enough. Grace is so amazing to have planned all this and worked so hard for us. And the guys Alex, Azmin, Shang and Nick for having helped her with everything too. Everyone is so nice *sighz*. And Alex is damn funny. He keeps going "I like it. I like it a lot" in this way tt makes me just burst into laughter at everything. And Jordan has a amazing classical voice. He said he could sing Josh Groban, and when he sang 'Vincent' to David's guitar I finally saw why.

Got my dad to pick me up around 10.30pm coz I didn't trust myself enough to take a bus. Got a lecture from him about drinking. (Coz he doesn't know how much I usually drink).

Argh, Wed night was fun fun fun.

And now I have 1 free day to rest before Matric Week starts.

Yes.

WEEKENDS ARE FOR PUTTING YOUR FEET UP

I have a habit of resting my feet on my computer tower. Don't ask. My dad thinks it's only a matter of time before I get electrocuted. But I think it's not going to happen any time soon coz there's way too much insulation (plus my skin is thick. Either tt or fat doesn't combust easily. No wait,. Hold tt.)

Anyway I may be getting a week-end adoptive sister soon. On Saturday (that's yesterday) morning the parents and I took a drive down to a Children's Home coz my mom's been asked to take care of this child on weekends. Her name is Olsen and she's 12. Her mom died of cancer last year and her dad's in prison, and she need a wholesome loving family to redeem her faith in the human species. We haven't had the chance to meet her in person, but if all goes well, I'll be seeing her in the next 2 or 3 weeks.

I clocked around 22km in mileage the past 2 days. Was attempting to run 15km today but couldn't make it. Ended up taking a bus home (muahaha)... So I'd say around 12km? But damn slow pace. Not snail now, just tortoise. But I love my MP3 player. It's my constant companion. Unfortunately it's not an iPod. Just a Philips Nike. Can only hold a measly 50 songs. But I guess 50's enough for me. Love my playlist. Think Missy Elliot's 'Hurt Somethin' is a damn good running song.

Unfortunately, my running has been pretty much cancelled by my eating. There is NO WAY I can get a pretty waistline and abs and lose the thunder thighs and Hulk arms if I OD on $13.90 Japanese ala-carte buffet at Watari Japanese Restaurant on Peck Seah Street. That's right $13.90 for unlimited tempura prawns, california maki and shake maki, agedashi tofu, yakiniku beef, karage chicken, teriyaki chicken, chawanmushi and miso soup, and shake belly sashimi (ok ok. That was a separate order)... *waaahhh* ANd the best thing is tt right now I crave tom yam soup again. Fuck, maybe I'm pregnant. ARGH!!!

Last night while watching 'The Next Big Thing' on Channel U, it struck me tt ALL the S'porean girls on TV look like carbon-copies of Jolin Tsai. This FURTHER backs my point on why I despise Original Girls. Yuckz. What the hell man? I don't want to be associated with the common S'pore Girl anymore.

Speaking of which, tonight parents and I were having a discussion. Apparently S;pore girls are supposed to be the 'loosest' in Asia. You can fuck them after 1 date. My stand is tt the world is still a fucking chauvinistic place.When guys screw around it's socially acceptable. They're 'studs', 'virile', etc. But when girls do the same thing they're 'loose', 'cheap' and whores'. If I had my way I'd pass some bill on tt. Prob in a section close to the one about castrating rapists and sexual offenders.

...I hope I get a hall soon. Right now I'm quite worried. My parents have already told me tt when school starts all my 'activities' stop. And if they knew about how late my dragonboat trainings on Tues and Thurs end they might either ban me from training or make me quit the team. If I don't get a hall I don't know what I'm going to do. Fuck this sucks.

Had a lot on my mind to blog about but right now I can't remember a single thing. Oh well. Till I have more to write about.

"MY FAVOURITE JAPANESE FOOD IS NABE."

According to Mark, there is a Japanese dish known as nabe. Or apparently, kaninabe (altho Martin says it's really 'kaminabe'; 'kami' meaning paper and 'nabe' meaning steamboat).

My mom has a habit of telling people what food I like. Because I eat so damn much (just ODed on chocolate and coconut coated marshmallows, and for lunch had dah mee and braised frog legs in claypot with black pepper sauce *yum*), she can say anything. She can say "My daughter likes to eat Italian food." She can say "My daughter likes to eat Korean food." She can even say "My daughter likes to eat Japanese food."

In fact, on Thursday night tt was what she said. And then the usual answer is "Oh really. What type of Japanese food?"

I used to hem and haw and throw out 'Sushi. Sashimi. Tempura. Ramen. Unagi don. Etc etc etc.'

From now on, I shall say, "Nabe."

BUT anyway, back to last night. Met Mark for dinner after my run, at Borders. A few things, such as my deciding to clear some heavy and long-overdue emotional baggage in the late morning, my watching of Ella Enchanted (ONLY because they didn't have a suitable timing for Mean Girls), my insanely-long run (which was a horror for me coz I had probloems sustaining my pace... and NO. Pain while running does NOT appeal to me), and later having my MOM fetch me down to Orchard coz I'd realised I'd forgotten to take my handphone with me there... ON THE BUS, having to take another bus home and subsequently wasting 20 min...

And I actually got to Borders on time.

So anyway we ate dinner at Borders Bistro. I had a BEEFY LASAGNE coz I wanted meat. Like, MEAT. Yummy meat. Not heavy meat like beef steak, but def beefy. And lasagne was the only beefy thing on the menu. Muahaha. Mark had seafood pizza. And we both had beer - ordered my Erdinger even though it's damn ex there. I figured the diff in price between a standard beer and a premium is about 4 bucks, so since I'm drinking (once in a long while), I might as well enjoy it. Besides, Erdinger happens to be a beer tt when poured right, has a nice foamy head at the top. So you can always turn to the person opposite you and exclaim in all delight: "Ooh. I love head."

Anyway Mark and I have very good conversation. Okay, you can sort of guess from the content in this entry what kind of conversation we normally have, but tt's just part of it. Seems we've come a long way from my sweet, innocent SC girl with the 'tiny waist' (his words, not mine, although I appreciate the compliment considering tt now I HAVE NO WAIST!!!) and his not-so-innocent Chinese High boy (yes, he of the obscene khaki shorts variety) to uh... where we are now. Yet throughout, it still feels like nothing has changed. A year in Cambridge hasn't given him a pretentious English accent (only one he turns on and off at will, which is a good thing tt he can turn it off at will because everytime he turns it on I go into an epileptic fit of laughter). It hasn't turned him gay (...hmm). It hasn't corrupted him too much (then again there wasn't tt much to further corrupt). But he seems an even better companion now than he was before. :P

Anyway without delving into too much of the details of convrsation, we went from Borders to Swensen's for my promised Earthquake. And talked somemore, laughed somemore, and I don't know whether it was the alcohol-high, the sugar-high, the happy-high or all three combined, but I'd never laughed so hard in a long time. At this rate I think I'll have to introduce beer into every one of my future outings. :P

Ooh, and there were a lot of inane moments too. Mark's the only person whom I can announce to tt:

I THINK YEO SHENGLONG IS SEXY.

"What?!"

Seriously. The moment he opens his mouth I just wanna rrrrriiiiiippppp his clothes off. *meeeowwww*

(Okay, I have a feeling tt Sheng is going to spend the rest of his waking life avoiding me from now on. :) )

...And then there were the lame jokes, like:
1. What is the most desirable man on a nudist colony?
Ans: A man who can carry 2 cups of coffee and 12 doughnuts.

2. What is the most desirable woman on a nudist colony?
Ans: A woman who can swallow all 12 doughnuts.

3. What is the similarity between a woman and a tornado?
Ans: They both start off with a little blow, then they come wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car with them.

You get the picture. See ya next week Marky-Mark. I have found my fellow traumatising/traumatised companion to take back to the Hwa Chong Carnival and laugh at everyone there.

Muahaha.

Bukit Timah Road to Farrer Road - 15 min

Farrer Road to Halland Road - 15 min

Holland Road to Sixth Avenue - 15 min

Sixth Avenue to Bukit Timah Road - 15 min

Approx 2.5km per 15 min.

I think I'm close to planning my AHM route... Will expand distance to include Botanical Gardens and Clementi/Ulu Pandan Road when am fitter.

(4.29am - ADDING ON)

Was in a rush when I added this entry. Was going to do calculations. First time running the Farrer/Holland route. Had been wanting to check timing, esp coz my usual route = Old Holland Road (15 min) - Ulu Pandan Road (10 min) - Clementi Road (20 min) - Bukit Timah Road (bt 15). That about adds up to an hour (though I always run over coz I spend 5 - 10 min getting a drink + walking while drinking).

Assuming my current route is about 10km, I would plot my new route from Bukit Timah - Farrer - Holland - Ulu Pandan - Clementi - Bukit Timah - approx 95 min in total and around 15 km. So, once I familiarise myself with new Farrer/Holland - and get my damn fitness back coz 4 days of non-running takes so fucking much away from you you want to cry sometimes -, I'll graduate to the 95 min route (but I'll prob give myself say... 2hours... Can nua a bit, buy water etc. I'm such a slacker).

After tt, I'll plan my route from Bukit Timah to bypass Farrer for Cluny Road thru Botanic Gardens instead. I don't know the time to run through it yet, but I anticipate 5min + 20 min through BG. If I come out at Gleneagles, I'll prob take another 15 min at least to get back to Holland and the Farrer junction. Bao1 gao4 liao4. My 21km route def settled already.

BUT that comes a lot LATER. Must be fit first. Must be DAMN fit first.

Am not fit yet. Bah. Sucks.

Oh btw, to the people wondering why I am so bloody disciplined, my explanation is easy. You know how people generally want 1 thing the most in their lives, like love or affection or even power. If they can't get it they sub it for something like sex or money or even material things.

For me, fitness/running is my 'thing'/'sub thing'. It has tt much importance to me and I take a perverse pride in running my knees into disuse. I'm not tt good a runner; I don't have Track experience, nor a good timing. But running makes me feel good, fitness gives me an added physical edge over others (even though at this point in time I have NO WAIST, let alone a tiny one. :( ), and having goals like AHMs and Half-Marathons give me something constructive to think about and move towards rather than all the negative stuff that my overactive mind comes up with.

So, a further look into the twisted murky psyche of Izzy Tan.

...On a side note, quite a few (ex-)Humanz bloggers have actually replied to my 'Is there Life after Humanz?' entry. Interestingly, answers range depending on intepretion of question (which was actually rhetorical, but it goes to show anything can be answered. Muahaha). Thank you for many interesting replies and different facets. I understand all, I appreciate views, some I can apply, some I don't have the heart or courage too. Maybe I should stop being an elitist snob, but then again... I like being an elitist snob for now. Will discuss issue further when am able to disengage myself from cynical narcissism (acknowledgement of someone :) ). But right now already have too much on my plate without adding more.

Fuck, headache acting up somemore. Will go back to sleep now. Tomorrow will blog about Mark and nabe. :)

TWO FREE DAYS

Would you believe it? My these 2 days are free. Or rather, my Thursday was completely free and today my morning/afternoon is free. And I have no one to go out with. Muahaha. Everyone wants something next week or the week after, where I see it I'm so fucking busy I don't even know if I have time to come back for dinner with the parents (which I try to at least twice to three times a week).

Slacking at home is good, if done once in a while. For me, it's especially good coz I haven't had the chance to slack at home. Yesterday I watched "Goodbye Lenin!". The lead actor reminds me a little of Ashton Kutcher. I would say the film has interesting aspects to it; it has comedy in the garish in-your-face exhibition of globalisation in the Coke adverts and the lead character's sister marrying a West German she'd met while working at Burger King, and having sexual fantasies consisting of Bollywood-style dancing. This is heightened by the contrast as the lead character frantically strives to hide all the marks of capitalisation from his mother. At the same time there is tragedy in all this, in the fact tt he has to hide so much from his mother, in the naive way she is closed off from change and sticks adamantly to her past. And how even after witnessing the truth of German globalisation on the streets, she is still convinced tt nothing has changed and dies thinking tt her beloved Germany is still a socialist state.

I've also been doing a lot more thinking. As usual. I realise tt my most contreversial entries are the ones tt occur when I fill my blog with what's in my head. That's when I get the most comments, the most misunderstandings, the most occurences of people asking if I'm ok. The truth is, I AM ok. What I put on my blog is simply a reflection of what goes on in my head... And it's not tt I've never thought before, it's just tt in the past I keep things to myself. But I believe tt this blog - *my blog* - is an outlet where I can put what's in my head from thought to written word, for me to achieve what I want out of the process - Clarity. I don't believe in self-censorship. I know tt as more people read my blog, I am consciously practising it, keeping certain things out, keeping certain names out, keeping certain thoughts and feelings out, etc.

But at the end of the day, it's still my blog. People who read this shouldn't have a problem with what I write, because if they do, then they have a problem with what I think and/or feel. And if tt's the case, people shouldn't be complaining to me tt I bitch or whine or malign in my blog. They should be asking me directly: What problem I have with them. In my head, in my heart. My blog isn't to be value-judged. It isn't about good or evil. It is merely a tool to convey what I really think or feel. And very simply, if people have problems with my blog, then I suggest they stop reading.

After all, see no evil, hear no evil. Ignorance is bliss and all tt shit.

Anyway nope, tt wasn't the thinking. This was the thinking.

To all who have suspected it, I will confess it.

I AM ESCAPING MY PAST.

Or rather, I don't like revisiting the past. Will, Edward, I will prob come for the Hwa Chong Carnival after all. I want to have a look at my class 1 last time before it is invaded by little boys in white shirts and ugly khaki shorts. I want to visit the Taekwondo room 1 last time, stained with my blood and my tears, witness to my moments of happiness, jovialness, and pain, where I had the greatest soul-searching conversations with my brother. I want to punch tt punching bag one more time, see if the blood stains are still on it, see if it can still cause my knuckles to scrape and tear the way it used to. I want to visit the canteen again, where I used to eat my fave wanton mee with 2 or 3 scoops of chilli just for the hell of it, where we used to while our mornings away over cups of kopi and dou hua before assembly. The infamous school field, polluted year-in year-out by ketchup and flour from orientation, where the grass dies for 6 months and replenishes just in time for the following year's orientation. The passageways tt we used to walk from lecture to tutorial, or to run across (in my case) to avoid a certain Chinese teacher when skipping her lessons to nua somewhere or go for a movie. The library in tt space-ship structure where I spent my last month leading up to the A-Levels... doing Maths in the little booths away from everyone else. As always, studying with people but always on my own, before lunch at Adam Road hawker centre. And the Teacher's Room, a place I would rather die before stepping into, yet have done so so many times in the month leading up to the A-Level, looking for my Maths teacher Mrs. Lim for my 'one-hour Maths remedial'. Everyday.

You were right. Hwa Chong does hold many memories for me. From ridiculous council dances to the demonstrations performed for Open House, to just time chillin' with the class. Yet, before I wasn't keen to know, keen to find out. I've never been a sentimental fool. You might call me an ingrate, but I've never developed enough of a connection to people and/or things to miss them, to want to visit them again.

Ironically, now I want to go back to Hwa Chong. But the catch is, I don't want to go back in a group. There will be a class gathering to the college next Saturday, but I forsee tt even if I meet them there, I don't want to walk around everywhere with them. I don't forsee walking. I forsee standing around somewhere and passing lame comments. I want someone who I can just walk with who will not pass lame comments or inquire about my life now. I want someone who will bring me around to the places in HC that he/she had his/her fondest memories and tell me and show me what they are. I want to be able to do the same; show he/she where my fave hang-outs were and what I would miss most about the school.

I'm an extreme person. It's always all or nothing for me. If I'm going back for reminiescence, then it's damn well going to be reminiscenece. I don't ever SETTLE. That's not my style.

People-wise... Someone told me recently tt I still have the same complex problem I had back in JC. I worry too much about what people think. I have to reconcile with myself before I can reconcile with others. Ironically this was the same thing said to me then, and only 1 person has said tt to me. Unfortunately it's true, but as far as I can see although I reconciled the older issues with myself, I developed newer ones instead. Maybe I'll always have something to reconcile with myself, which is why I foresee I may never be truly happy or content. The same person also advocates the existence of 1 confidante, someone who will hear you and listen to you and understand you and talk to you/cajole/advise/counsel for every single person. It may or may not be the other half - depending if you have one - but usually it is. I realise tt I have not had a confidante for a very long time. Maybe tt's why I've become more detached if anything. I know many but I'm close to a few and at this point in time, not even tt chummy with anyone.

I blame you for it. I guess sometimes when you want to cut someone out of your life, you should do it fully. Avoids misunderstandings and bitterness and sadness etc. Don't do the half-way thing with me coz I only reserve half-ways for people I don't value enough, or people who don't know me enough to know what I'm like. If you know what I'm like, you'll know what I mean and why I'm asking what I am. Don't do the diplomacy thing coz I see right through it.

Maybe tt's why there's all tt bitterness and anger and negativity tt I can't seem to truly exorcise. Debiao sent me an SMS telling me tt happiness is a choice, not a chance. I made a conscious choice to stop trying to be happy (coz it wasn't working and I wasn't going to consciously try and fool myself anymore), and to just let the true feelings show. It hasn't made me feel any better tho.

I hate catch-22s. I knew I should have shunned Law and just forced my dad to send me to Aussie to study psychology. :P

Okay, enough ranting. I don't even know what I'm getting at anymore. Figure I'll just go catch a movie solo, then come back and run (for the first time in a WEEK!!! Fuck, I am getting so unfit and fat tt it sucks (yes. I have a complex problem. If I don't run I feel FAT and UNFIT, so the female whinging thing about weight WILL come into play when I don't exercise - which is why I CANNOT stop. Otherwise I'll have 1 more thing to be unhappy with myself about), and then meet Marky-Mark for dinner and Earthquake at Swensen's. Muahaha.

I'm good.

Right.

THE DAY IT TURNS AROUND

My bad mood has lifted. Finally. Maybe I can just put it down to PMS at an especially bad patch. But before tt, got this off Mich's blog:

Guys: Heed the warning
Gals: The secrets are exposed!

Women's keywords and their meaning.



"Fine": This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but need to shut the man up. Men will never be allowed to end a sentence with the word "fine" and just walk away, this word is for the sole use of women in this context. Oh, and by the way, (refer to the definition of "Oh" below), NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks, or in about "five minutes" (see below also), you will hear the word "Fine" followed by silence.

"Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an even trade.

"Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (with normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

A Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

A Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

"Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, I talked to John about what you two were doing last night". If she says "Oh, by the way" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. When she is done tossing your clothes out the window, she will tell you that she is "Fine" but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as a question, as in, "Oh??!!" usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a Raised Eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

"That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retribution for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often combined with the word "Fine" and accompanied by the Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point, probably without warning, in either the near or distant future (time holds no significance here), you are going definitely going to remember this initial moment and regret it. More than likely you will regret it more than once over the duration of your relationship.

"Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" scenario.

"Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

"Thanks A Lot": This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the

"Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing"....see paragraph one.

What I want to highlight here is not how true/accurate or valuable it is for guys to know this piece of information. What I want to say - forgive me fellow members of our species is this - WHY must we women be so bloody fucking complicated? If we have a problem, then for goodness sakes why can't we just SAY IT/ Why must we hem and haw and then throw a huge prissy fit when the guy doesn't understand us? Let's face it. Assume guys are thick (or tt they will pretend to be even when they're not). Why make life so bloody difficult for everyone by acting so prissy? I personally do not advocate such behaviour. Although I admit tt I may on occasion be guilty of this, but I try my best not to be, because it's fucking hypocitircal and unfair and damn bloody bitchy to do this to anyone. Which is why I have a problem with women who are guilty of such behaviour too.

Ridiculous.

Anyway back to whatever I was saying, today was the day it all turned around. Special thanks to Wanyi, Sue and Ian for the kind SMSes that they sent me last night and this morning to ask how I was holding up and to tell me to chill, and to the wonderful people who left messages on the tag board, Will, Junjie *waves to JJ* and April... thanks... And April what you say makes sense. It's just tt I'm guilty of still harbouring too much faith in the human species. Essentially I peg everyone to the standards and expectations I set for myself, and belatedly I've come to realise tt not many people are able to meet those standards or expectations.

Oh well. Too bad so sad.

Anyway back to today. Today was Meeting with NUS President + Victory Lunch with the girls. Muahaha. Yesterday night I was so damn tired I crashed - and I mean system-shutdown type dead-to-the-world will-perish-in-earthquake type crash before 11pm. Woke up this morning at 7am and couldn't get back to sleep. Wahaha. Would have gone for a run but it was fucking raining!!! So just nua-ed in bed. Left the house before 11am to get my Law Year 2 books from a senior - specifically Ryan's friend this guy Yuan1 Yuan3 whom I thought was called Yuan2 Yuan2 (round round). 5 books for $220. Have a feeling it's a rip-off but I'm more of a convenience than bargain-pusher.

After tt went from Law Lib to Arts Canteen carrying both my books as well as they gifts for Irene, Peiwen, Serene, Boonchin and Yunshan tt I'd painted the nights before so tt the rest of the girls could personalise them. Wah lau damn heavy. The books were more weights than I'd ever carried since training ended. Fortunately Johnny was there. Muahaha. Evil me pa-katted with Johnny (ok, not really. More like very nicely requested) to have him keep my books for me in his hall coz later after the Victory Lunch we'd be having a team outing that had been orgranised by self and Wendy (aka the long-labouring Welfare ICs of dragonboat). I'd actually planned to pass him the books after lunch, but he took them the moment he came and just carried them all around with him even tho they were super heavy.

Damn nice lah. :) Thank you Johnny!

Apparently coz every dragonboater has a uniform top to wear, we had to change into these white polo tees sponsored by NUS. Which were DAMN UGLY. They were HUGE - guys' size - I was SWIMMING in my M, white with blue collar and 'teamNUS' with a tiny 'dragonboat' on one side. Bloody hell. When the guys wear it they look ok coz it's more or less fitting. When WE wear it the bloody shirts are so bloody big tt like Vic and Cheeling say, we all look like canteen aunties. Or rather most of us look like canteen aunties and Cheeling looks like the foodcourt auntie.

"Char kuay teow or cai peng anyone?"

We move off from Arts Canteen to Guild House for the Lunch Meeting with Prof Shih. Lunch. What can I say about it? Besides the supremely orrrbit white polos (and these obiang orange teamNUSdragonboat supporters shirts tt we had to fork out $5 for because the guys had somehow got it in their heads tt everyone needed one even tho these tacky orange shirts I will only reserve for bedtime/intra-hall usage (provided I get a hall next sem) and future orientation camps (when it's time to get wet or dirrty)), we have a SEATING PLAN tt places 2 girls with 7 guys and 2 VIPs at 4 out of the 5 tables, we have to line up in a U-shaped line with 1 girl in-between 2 guys like Primary School kids to shake all the VIPs hands (and contend with weak handshakes and someone grunting the words"Ah, good" to every single person whose hand he shook), and we have speeches by some guy I've never seen who went on and on about strategizing about NUS' Dragonboat and turning last year's loss into a victory. Funnily enough, I have never seen that guy nor heard any word of any such strategy or motivation. And from the looks of the guys next to me, it seems nor have they.

Prof Shih gives a speech, and then we get treated to a slideshow of photos from our race. It's mainly shots of the guys (naturally), but where the girls concerned it's mainly shots of us crying and hugging and crying and hugging and crying somemore. Good memories those were tho. If ONLY the bloody background music weren't quite so cheesy. I had to keep looking down to prevent people from seeing tt smug smirk on my face tt barely kept my laughter in check.

Food was... well. Conversation at my table was mainly corny lame stuff said by the 2 VIPs to 2 guys at my table. I don't think it's even worth mentioning coz it really was crap. Don't know how he could consider wanting to manufacture a lighter streamlined dragonboat with a motor (?!), or what the whole obsession with increasing the number of spectators for the PM Cup next year is. And with regards to the comment tt that obiang orange spectator's shirt is 'beautiful', is it diplomacy or is it just sheer absolute no taste-ness??? When I heard it, I shot Vic this Look and it was all both of us could do to keep from laughing.

I was being a little of a bitch/bimbo. Or rather, making conversation difficult for the guys beside me. When Zhe Yang on my left tried to open conversation with why my name was spelt with an 'o', I told him it was because my parents didn't want me named after the Spanish queen Isabella who was infamous for ordering people beheaded. That was true of course, but tt REALLY shut him up. I bet he thought I was psycho. Muahaha. That was fun. And then when the milk came in a teapot, I checked it out to see if it was tea or milk, and then one of the guys asked, "Shi4 bu2 shi4 niu2 nai? (is tt milk?)"

And I instinctively replied, "No. It's milk."

His reply, "Isn't milk and niu2 nai3 the same thing?"

WAAAHHH!!!!! EXPOSED! Ultimate bimbo! My weak excuse: "Paiseh. I think in 1 language only."

Ooh. But it seems tt at each table, all the guys put Equal into their coffee/tea. Eyeryone else uses normal white sugarrrr.

Anyway the moment the lunch is over, we hurry to change out of the orrrbit canteen-vendor polos. From there we leave for Orchard by bus, and on the way deliberate what shifts to take for Matric Fair. Apparently Friday - the day of Medfac, Music and Law Matriculation is considered "capalang day" by Yunshan. She says it's a day where we can shake legs coz no girls will prob want to sign up.

I retorted: "Hey, *I* signed up on a Fri."

But she replied, "But Law has a lot of Original Girls."

I asked, "What are 'original girls'?"

I found out tt 'original girls' is the term we give to the girly-girls i.e. the fair stick-thin girls who have neither the strength nor the inclination to ever even consider something like dragonboat, yet alone join it. I have to concede tt Law does have a lot of such 'Original Girls'. But then again, on Wed my shift day, I'll be encountering Bizad girls too, and according to Cheeling they're pretty 'Original Girls' too. :( We can only hope.

Anyway apparently Prof Shih had a lot of things to say to Grace our new captain (or rather to Sean and Zili, but the info applies to us too) regarding the team. It seems there are a lot of suggestions to make training more condusive for us (everything is different when you hold Gold in your hands), ranging from buying our own dragonboat getting us priority in hall (apparently PGP, which is under the direct admin of OSA) to a better gym etc. There were also suggestions regarding recruitment, all of which were discussed in some detail. But more later. It seems the team may actually be able to get more things done this year than last. And no matter how much a of a bitch NUSSU is to us, they aren't going to be able to intimidate us anymore.

Anyway after some time, we then reach Cine, where after a long time of deliberating between KTV, nua-ing and eating some more, playing pool and watching a movie... you guessed it.

We KTV.

KBox at Cine. 4th floor this time. Crammed 12 people into 1 room for 4 hours. It was the usual. A whole bunch of Chinese songs followed by a whole bunch of English songs. But today it was different. It was DAMN FUN!!! I got to sing An1 Jing4 (even though I can only sing the chorus, but Wendy helped me with the verses), Ren2 Sheng1 Hai2 Hai3 (same as An1 Jing4) and the usual Peng2 You3. Vic indulged me by singing My Sacrifice with me.

But it was a lot a lot of fun. We didn't sing. We sang BADLY. A lot of it was on purpose. We'd make it really loud or sometimes we'd include actions, or sometimes we'd choose a ridiculous song like Christina Aguilera's 'I Turn To You' or Linkin Park's 'In The End' (which Wendy and I rapped to like idiots) and just whack. Wendy sang this S.H.E song about 'Cats' or something and everyime she couldn't read a Chinese character she called it 'blahblah' and Irene was sent into her usual peals of unending laughter. She was still laughing at tt song *2* songs later. :P We sang a lot of songs, or tried to, or chilled as others sang. We ate the tidbits so quickly coz it was free-flow, so it came down to the calling of tidbit refills every *5* minutes (and I kid you not) at one point. We rapped/sang to the Black Eyed Peas 'Where is the Love?' and 'Shut Up', we helped William Hung massecre 'She Bangs' - complete with toneless singing and hand-actions, we sang Britney Spears coz her MTVs were original (i.e. no prancing women or scenic shots of MacRitchie) and we even finished our session with a bang - Backstreet Boys' 'Get Down'. "Get Down Get Down and Move it all around..."

So bad tt it was good.

Had a late dinner at Marche after tt. Me ate the deep-fried soft shell crab with extra sour cream (yum) and later, had 2 scoops of ice-cream. After tt, we split and went our seprates ways home coz 1. Wendy was Itchy. 2. Geox wanted to catch The Amazing Race. 3. A lot of them were also tired. 4. I was conteing with a headache.

So here I am now, at home and for the first time in almost a week, feeling happy again. :)

Go me. Go dragonboat girls. Go Anti-Original Girls. I'm so glad to be a part of you.

In other notes, I'm wondering how my OG did. I have a huge amount of faith in Grace and Nick. They took over the roles of David and I spectacularly, and the rest of my OG has been incredibly onz and supportive of them. People like Angeline Jordan and Shang I just KNOW will not let us down. Nick said tt the skit went wonderfully, and I fully believe him. Anyway even tho I feel quite bad for not being around for them, I know tt they can handle it. Albert and April are both amazingly dependable (esp since I'm rarely ever around), so I guess my OG will do great. I am blessed. Can't wait to see them on Mon - even if I personally wish I had a bit more rest time, esp with BOTH Law Matric and dragonboat running concurrently.

I also hope tt David gets through his auditions. :) Hope to be able to celebrate with him and the OG next week, and see him on TV soon. Will foresee a lot more fun tt way. :) Yay.

Sleepy time.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't even know what to title this blog entry. I'm not even going to try. Right now at this point in time, 20 July 2004, I'm feeling the same was I did as on 15/16 March 2004 -2 days before my TH Dance Concert.

I'm tired. Exhausted. Drained. I've developed an aversion to the human species. At this very moment I want to crawl into a hole and curl up and disappear, away from people. I don't want to be around crowds anymore. I don't want to plaster a smile on my face that never reaches my eyes because I know it's a fucking fake. I don't want to have to worry or apologize for the fates and actions of everyone else just because. I don't want to encounter practical lack of common sense. It never fails to surprise me how the most intelligent people can just lack basic common sense. I don't want to encounter self-pity or self-absorption or self-righteousness. My own self-centredness is perfectly all right with me because I stick it on this blog. If you're here, you're voluntarily reading about my life. I'm not there physically trying to stuff my life down your throat. I'm not there trying to get you to praise or pity me. You could turn me out with a snap of the finger.

I'm just so tired. I wish I'd stayed in my state of apathy instead of caring, if only for 3 days more. They know I'm tired, the people who see me in person. There is no spark in my eyes, there is none of that 'highness'. I'm not saying anything, I'm not doing anything unless I have to, I just want to be alone.

Or I wish I had a giant bazooka and I'd run down Orchard Road doing a Columbine High and then blowing myself to smithereens.

IS THERE LIFE AFTER HUMANZ?

We're drifting. Don't deny it, I can't anymore. So maybe on the surface we're happy, we're talking about the same things again. And again. And again... But somehow that's where it stays.

Have been asking other people, speaking to other people from the past and the present. But drifting is just past the point of sadness when it hits inevitability. It's the way it is with all of us, not just you and me.

When we get together we talk about the same things over and over and over again. We seem stuck in the past, stuck in this period from so long ago where we still wore brown factory worker uniforms and laughed to each other about beating the system and sneaking out of classes. We talk about the same peopl and the same tutors and wonder if they're the same or different.

And I wonder why.

Is our lives really so sad now tt we can't ask each other about how it is? Who are current friends are? What it is tt we do? Have we gone so far tt the past is all that binds us together, or were we never tt close to begin with? Were we just tt: strangers from different lives brought together by circumstance? Huddled together to avoid the politics, the competition, the wayang tt is associated with elitism? The double-facedness, the cliquish-exclusivity, the bitter disillusionment of the elite in the Singapore education system?

We are just so diverse... And past meetings have shown just how different we are. How we think, how we view things, what has happened in our lives. Why can't we be honest? Why can't we just acknowledge tt life after Humanz isn't just Humanz again and again and again. When we leave each other for such a long period of time why do we kid ourselves with all this reunions? So we can relive bitching about Barnard and the PPP and why historians are superior to geographers because we've got Polo breaks and geographers can only colour coastlines? So we can pretend how we knew who was going to Oxford and Cambridge and Yale and congratulate ourselves on the backs for having done so well in whichever paths we have chosen to take?

I've never been sentimental. I've never had any inclination to visit Hwa Chong or the tutors. It's never really bothered me tt the Humanz tradition will be no more in 2 years. Yes, we made many many good memories tt will stay with me for as long as I live. Yes, Humanz was one hell of experience, and I'd say it was the best time of my life. I've made many close friends and I've gotten to know a few even better since.

But face it. Life goes on. Life doesn't stop in the past. We've moved on, we've gone our separate ways, experienced different lifestyles and cultures and have grown differently. We have changed. Even if we were psychologically the same person we were in the past, the reaction of tt psyche with different circumstances has produced people who have been changed, scarred, molded into for better or worse, what we are now.

Time for tt reality check. Hwa Chong Carnival 31 July 2004. Should I or shouldn't I?

*********************************************************

IN OTHER NEWS...

Besides tt, today was lots and lots of fun.

Yeah right.

Met Yuwei for lunch. Now lunch was good. Had red ruby + burbor cha cha campur (mixed) and heard her mush abt her 'not-there other half' (okay, those are my words). Then went shopping with her in valiant attempt to look for knock-out clothes for Wed (failed. Mango has quote unquote 'nonsense tops'), although I ended up buying 2 pairs of black pants from G2000 (MORE working/clubbing/formal dining/all-purpose pants for me!) and a pair of blue/yellow strippy plastic slippers from esprit tt I so did NOT need but bought anyway coz dragonboat somehow ruins my slippers by turning them black with Kallang seawater + gravel. I also have multi-coloured fingernails (tt I 'proudly' showed off to my parents tonight) from her trying out of red earth nailpolish. On me. Riiiiiight.

After tt, I sai 'bye bye' to her sometime before 3pm and headed down to Bras Brasah complex to buy my glass paint. Art Friend NEVER fails to amaze me even after all these years. I swear you can find almost any art material here. Poster, acryllic, oil, charcoal, glass paint, fabric paint, all sorts of markers, all sorts of papers, all sorts of stencils scissors boards backings papers etc etc etc.. Art Friend is like the 1-stop cure-all for all your artistic starvation.Of course, Art Friend is not cheap. But then again when is art ever cheap?

Anyway I'm not done. I walked for 3 hours. 3 hours of window-shopping, all by myself. Of course, it's not tt unenjoyable because I'm happy with my own company and I can pop into a bookshop and just read, or pop into HMV and browse through the CDs/movies (Yes. The card came out again for VCDs of 'Goodbye Lenin!' and 'Jeux d'Enfants'). I can prop myself at a bench or just walk about reeeaaaalllly slowly to people-watch, I can look at clothes tt appeal to me (which incidentally does not often appeal to everyone else).

However, 3 hours is hell for the feet.

I'm so glad when I finally meet Yanli (and later Hsien) for dinner at Sakae sushi. I never realised how possible it is to eat $25 worth of sushi till tonight. Scaaary man. After dinner we walk around Isetan getting Hsien to try on pretty cheerleading-pink skirts and tight white tops, and later adjourning from there to Far East Plaza. But by the time Yanli decides between a white halter dress and a white tube dress, it's kinda late. So Yanli and I take the bus home together.

Parents bought orh luak and cheng tng back for supper. But I was so bloody full man. Had a nice discussion with them tho. Mom was telling me tt when she was speaking to the hawker selling the orh luak, he was telling her tt he was glad to be at Newton rather than at Gluttons' Square because the monthly rent of *one* stall set up there - the carpark is state property., so guess who revenue goes to - is $7500. This is in contrast to the monthly rent at Newton which is $1500. Even tho the hawkers there can sell hundreds to even thousands of plates of food per night, they shorten their lives and for how much profit exactly?

Also, my mom's words of wisdom for the night: "Chap1 siao1 yi3 ke4 si4." (Teochew for "heck care them go and die"). :P My mom is a gem. Muahaha.

I have just received word from an uncredited source, aka Miss Regina Wong Hsien Hui, that my blog entries have caused a stir of worry among my blog-reading close friends (I do not allude to the permanent traumatisation of other blog-readers however).

So in response, I just want to say, that if 90% of my entries are based on fact, then there is still that elusive 10% based on my overactive imagination.

The difference between fact and fiction is however, for me to know, and for you to find out.

Cheers. :)

MEETING WITH AH SENG

Damn shagged lah. Ran - YES!!! I HIT THE 60 MINUTE MARK FINALLY!!!!! - and went for wedding dinner of son of father's friend.

And guess what??? Damn qiao3. Behind my table was WONG KAN SENG!!! He shook my hand! He remembered me from last year and he made conversation with me! And before he left he said 'goodnight' to my mom.

I love Wong Kan Seng. :) My future boss.

Yayz. Me happy.

Finally.

I HOPE I DANCE

I haven't run for 2 days, and I have finally made my macaroni and cheese, which is not too bad for a first try, except tt it's a little on the salty side coz I added too much salt without first tasting my food.

Apart from tt, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Not tt I don't think normally coz I *do*, trust me, especially when it's bath-time or before I sleep at night (which is why it takes me an average of 2 hours just to fall asleep), but these few days it's been a little more... Okay, or rather, a little less about my friends and family and current short-term life, but rather, bigger things.

Ironically this was all sparked of by my taking of a quiz about what my dominant emotion was. My dominant emotion is "Apathy" - which is why my blog title is a demotivator line. I would say the quiz is prety accurate, because that's the way I've been approaching a lot of things in my life thus far. Something goes wrong? Whatever. Fix it. Someone offends me? Don't care. I'll get over it. Friend not worth the friendship? Cut. Not worth it.

It's a very "Problem? Then fix it. Can't fix it? Then accept it and move on." "Don't sweat the small stuff." "Don't be bothered, dont' care." kind of approach. If I have a tagline attached to me it's probably "Fuck It." There isn't even anger. There's... nothing.

I wonder why? Maybe it's because I've expanded too much energy feeling, being upset, being bothered, tt I've forced myself to stop caring and taking a lasseiz-faire approach to life. If I can't do anything about anything or anyone, then I don't bother to. It's not my problem or my life anymore.

Instead, I'm channeling my energies towards so-called "bigger things". "Bigger things" in terms of time and space. My world, my future. Have been following a little bit of political discussions. I neevr realised just how insulated some people could be until the political discussion some of my OG2 members had a few days back, when they said tt the government was doing a fantastic job and tt Singapore was "doing well". The unemployment rate stands at 4.8%, which is above our national average at a full employment rate. The economy is obviously doing better than it was a few years back, but things aren't perfect. So maybe we don't feel it coz we're the bourgeoisie, the upper middle-class. We get by on our parents' money, spending $50 a day easy without feeling the pinch. We have our Visa minis and DBS Blacks supp cards and we buy Nikes and adidas and Mangos like we don't care. Of course we don't feel it. It's like what my parents say. "It's all right if you earn $8000 a month and have only 1 kid to support. But what if you worth on $1200 and have 5 kids? If your combined income of you and your spouse exceeds $3000 you can't apply for grants. What are you going to do? What can you do?"

Here's the Catch-22. The government says "We should look out for ourselves. We should depend on ourselves, and not on free hand-outs from the government. We are getting soft, etc."

Then if tt is the case, then I have a few questions for the government:

1. Why are we paying each minister $1.2 million a YEAR so tt we can depend on ourselves?

Singapore ministers are paid more than any other in the world. Even George W. Bush gets less than a minister, and he is in charge of the USA. Their stand on this is tt it is "so tt they avoid corruption." WHAT THE FUCK, I ask. We pay you so much money so tt you don't steal it for yourself. What kind of person needs money to stop him from taking more money? It's already enough to make me question the integrity. And my OG2 members say tt they deserve the money. Okay, who deserves the money? Lee Hsien Loong? Maybe, since he's done so much. Wong Kan Seng, def. He's done a lot for the security of Singapore and it's no easy task. But what about Lim Hng Kiang, Minister of Finance who said in a press-release to the LTA tt all Ministry of Finance is is a rubber stamp for approvals to use Singapore's funds? We aren't paying you $1.2 million of OUR money to sit down and stamp papers. Any idiot off the street can stamp papers.

If you want tt much money, then WORK for it. Don't sit there and say it is your God-given right.

2. If the government wants us to be more independent, then for goodness sake stop molly-coddling us!

Isn't tt right? Ooh. After 5 FUCKING YEARS Sex and the City is finally comnig to Singapore amidst much fanfare in Season *5* with some kind of mature rating with all the F-words and nudity scenes cut out. So now we don't get to see sex; hell, we don't even get to see a BREAT-FEEDING scene, and I thought tt that that irritating Breast-Feeding Mothers group (or some funny organisation) was trying to get people to understand tt breast-feeding in completely "natural" and "respectable" etc etc etc. We learn how to say 'Fuck' as early in as in Primary School. We get exposed to porn and masturbation by Sec School (guys at least). Who the fuck are you trying to kid?

Is all this control of Singapore necessary? The so-called reason for the control of 'free expression and free speech' in Singapore is for reasons of 'internal security'. Yes, I suppose if I walked out the City Hall MRT and said something like "Hail Saddam!" (muahaha) and "I want to blow up the Republic!" it will be understandable if I get detained indefinitely under the ISA. But seriously, why is public opposition to policies a crime? Why is open support of an opposition a crime? It's not treasonous because it's still the same country. It's still for the same nation. Just not the same PAP. Why do JC Forums have to be rigged so tt only the 'yes-men' and 'guai-kias', who move on to public scholarships and become the future leaders of Singapore, get to go on it? Why was the Hwa Chong student given an OB marker for questioning Lee Kuan Yew's policy?

If you want us to depend more on ourselves, then give us more trust. So maybe it is true tt there is more freedom now than there was in previous years, which is a step. But maybe it's not enough of a step. Even if the PAP is doing a good job, let's face it. We need opposition. We need people who can be a check and balance to an all-powerful and possibly monopolistic government tt has become too powerful in its paternalistic approach to Singapore. This also means tt the PAP has to stop taking people like Vivan Balakrishnan into their ranks and turning vibrant out-spoken opposition into quiet PAP members on their payroll.

3. We need more transparency.

Even if you feel tt you can't give us more room for self-assertion, then at least be more transparent. I do admit tt there has been a greater move towards transparency, and there cannot be total transparancy with regards to things like defence or national security, but certain policies may be more easily accepted if an honest and more plausible reason is given. You wonder if the reduction in NS duration from 2.5 years to 2 years is really because Teo Chee Hean has decided tt Singapore's defence systems have really become more technologically-advanced such tt less manpower is needed + training has become more efficient, or whether is it is because a) SAF is getting poorer and b) there are 3 white horses going into NS this year - Teo Chee Hean's son, David Lim's son, and 1 other VIP's son.You wonder if the reduction in the number of government scholarships was due to the introduction of so-called 'scholar-entrepeurners', or whether it's because PSC has decided it is getting poorer and is cutting costs.

Anyway how does all this relate to myself?

It's my future. I'm bound for the police force once I get my degree.

It's ironic isn't it? That I've tied myself down to a government that I do not support. How I can say so much of the above and still want to join them. But then again I'd rather be honest. I don't want to be another quiet 'yes-man'. I know quite a few scholars from my year, and I can honestly say tt there are more than enough 'yes-men' around to add 1 more to their number.

But I don't want to be one. I'm not going to wayang. Sure, I'm not going to jeopardise my career for the sheer sake of principles, but I think I do know enough diplomacy to exercise it when necessary. But the thing is, I WANT the job. A lot of people find this hard to understand. People go for scholarships for 1 reason only: a chance to study OVERSEAS. In UK or US, where they can be away from somewhere this small and narrow and constricted, subject to the same scenery same people same teaching style same culture etc. I used to be this way. If I'd accepted PSC or URA or even MOE, I would have taken those scholarships for the schools only.

But I accepted MHA, and to study in *Singapore*. Irony of ironies. This I accepted because I want the career. I want the job with the uniform, the extended training, the capped pay, the long odd hours, the possible politics and disappointments tt I'll be exposed to, the inadequacies tt I'll see, the sacrifices tt I'll have to make up the possibility of a more lucrative prestigeous well-paying job tt I will have to give up.

Debiao says I will be disappointed. Once my stint as investigative officer ends and I become a staff officer, I'll be bored to tears. He's learning how to invest in stock options now, selling insurance, kick-starting money-making so tt he'll have enough to retired by 35 and change careers then.

I don't know how disappointed I will be coz I'm not in there yet. But I'm not tt cynical yet. I don't wish to give up my present for a future too far for my myopic visiont o comprehend yet. For him, it's all about job security. As someone who has tasted poverty, he understands what it is to be poor, and this drives him to be what he is, practical, self-preservative.

Maybe it's because I haven't tasted hardship. I've been sheltered, I live in comfort. I have had doors open to me without me having to bleed for them. I'm idealistic, In spite of my general morbidness and apathy and occasional bouts of cynism, I am idealistic.

I have dreams of what I can and want to achieve for myself. I want to make a difference. I want to do something tt will have an impact on the people around me. I want to be remembered, the way Lee Kuan Yew or Margaret Thatcher will be remembered. I don't want to be known as 'tt chio bu' or 'tt short girl' or whatever, but rather, as tt 'girl who started this policy' or 'saved my son' or 'helped catch tt rapist'. Even now, I'd rather be known as 'tt dragonboater' or 'tt Black belt' and maybe in later years 'tt Dean's Lister' instead of just another 'girl with blonde/black/red/pink hair'.

Sometimes what I worry most, is tt I will lose my idealism as I mature. Innocence is good. Maturity is good. Yet there is a fine line between innocence and naivete, and maturity and cynism. I want to be mature, but I don't want to lose my innocence. Is that possible?

My father has already commented tt 1 year of hall life has made me more mature than he would have expected. Yet the road hadn't been fun or easy for me, and I've already lost so much of that bright-eyed idealism I'd started university with.

Still, I've managed to put behind the bitterness and tt jadedness, replaced tt with desensitived apathy. I'm keeping only the idealism for my future and what I can make of it.

And this idealism I hope, will never leave me.

I hope tt when the chance comes for me to sit it out or dance...

I hope I dance.

Currently Playing I Hope You Dance By Lee Ann Womack see related

"UH, DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?"

NO.

No more fries. No more Mac's for a year.

*pause*

But before I come to that, just a quick run-through of Wednesday.

What I did:

1. Comm service at the Bishan Home.

My OG painted murals on the wall. I'm so proud of my freshies! They are so enthu and so willing to come down and participate, and they did an absolutely fantastic job on the walls. I couldn't ask for more. We went to Food Junction at J8 for lunch, and I was still on my quest for kuay-teow mee with chilli. The bak chor mee there, according to Debbie, is supposed to be good. My problem with it was tt it wasn't hot enough even with added chilli, so I kept eating the tiny chilli padi in the soy sauce on its own, which was massive overkill. Had ice kachang to cool it, and at the same time listen quietly while David and some freshies discussed politics. Or rather, how much they supported the PAP for doing a good job. I don't support the PAP. At least, I'm not rah-rah about them. But I figured it wouldn't do much good for me to argue for the opposition. I guess I just wasn't in that much of a mood to point out things like why our ministers don't deserve a salary of $1.2 million a year to people who have been half brain-washed by the media and the messages piped through by the government. We continued painting after that. Had fun adding artistic/realistic touches + blending in colours for the paint. Although if RnF was supposed to be for everyone to interact more with each other, it doesn't work for me, coz I always work best in silence and alone.

2. Run back from J8 to Bukit Timah.

Second run started out bad coz I got what seemed like an abdominal cramp. But it disappeared after a while. Takes 15 min to get from J8 to Lornie Road. Took a bus to cross the PIE highway as I don't fancy getting knocked down by car while jogging, and decided to nua by getting off at Hwa Chong instead. On the bus I was standing next to this old (middle-aged) man and this young girl who looked either Primary 6/Sec1 or 2. At first I thought they were father/daughter, but the way they communicated with each other gave me the impression tt he was more of a mentor-figure (i.e. a teacher or a tutor). But the way she looked at him: I swear there was something coy in that look, and worse, the way he spoke to her, touched her, caressed his fucking bag, I was so grossed out. I think he's a fucking paedophile and he's preying on her. I didn't do anything, I just got off the bus. I didn't know what I could do. How do you point out someone who you suspect to be a sexual predator, but have no evidence to back up other than your own gut instincts? It's things like these that makes me want to be a police officer. That way I will have the means and authority to do something about creeps like these. I think that a new punishment involving the ripping out of the balls of sexual offenders should be implemented into the Penal Code.

3. Clubbing at Phuture.

Cleared up the misunderstanding I had with Jane. So after dinner, went down to club with her, Sam, Wanyi and her hall friends. Was there around 11pm. Sam intro-ed her friend Peidi (I think) to dance with us. I took a total of 4 tequila shots (down from a usual of 6) and 1 flaming lambo. Idea was to loosen up. Think I did tt. Surprise surprise. Even after a drought of alcohol, my tolerance amazes me. Wasn't even high, yet alone drunk. Muahaha. Saw Eric, Eva and Meishuang there too, and James tells me Marc and Lionel were there too. Anyway Wanyi disappeared somewhere unfortunately, so it was me, Sam and Peidi, and later Jane and Jason stuffed into a corner at Phuture.

We were there early enough so we got a damn good spot away from the traffic. However, it was in-between 2 couples. The one on my left never seemed to stop kissing. Okay, kissing + grinding + kissing + grinding. In the end I just gave up being embarrassed at the distasteful display and just openly oogled. Muahaha. Free show and I don't even need to pay $7.50 for it! As for the one on my right, the guy was just weird. When he was not grabbing his girl's waist, his hands seemed to mistake mine for hers, and she must have got damn irritated coz she moved right behind me and in front of him. Anyway the good thing about being loosened up is that it really does help you to have fun.

You can just close your eyes and shut yourself off from the world, from everything else around you, have fun and just lose yourself in the music. Which IMHO is getting better and better. Crowd can be a bitch, but I thought it was better tonight. Oh, and Peidi is a fantastic girl to dance with. I have a lot of fun dancing with her. :)

After the lights came on we met up with Sam's hall friends + friends + friends and took a cab down to tt Boon Tong Kee place near Phuture, where I got a Gulp from 7/11 and went home from there. Not tt I didn't want supper with the rest, but I was damn damn tired. Thing about alcohol is tt it dehydrates, and furthermore you don't realise how much energy you've expended until after. So yeah, I ended up just going home and crashing.

Today:

Woke up, checked out movie timings, then called James. We ended up going to PS. Ate bak chor mee (AGAIN!!! 3 days in a row!!!) for lunch. This time I am FINALLY happy. The kuay teow mee really is damn nice and well-worth its $$ now. Muahaha. Goodie. Me is happy girl now. We then watched 'Supersize Me', which is why I swear I will not eat Mac's for a year.

It's a little cheesy, but in a nice satirical way. Morgan Spurlock is understated and presents the documentary in an informative objective manner, but of course with humour thrown in. I guess if you must compare, compare this to Bowling For Columbine. Where Michael Moore is openly cynical, incredibly funny and really over-the-top. I prefered Moore's documentary to Spurlock's coz Moore was incredibly in-your-face, but this isn't to say tt Spurlock's documentary doesn't have its appeal. For one it's not biased or one-sided. And he does admit tt the McGriddle really does taste as good as it looks. But 30 days of Macs, added 24 pounds to his body, made him depressed, damaged his liver and heart and kidneys, and even made him an addict! (Apparently even cheese has an addictive protein... No wonder I lurrrve cheese.)

I was eating nachos before the movie. So glad I finished them before the symptoms got bad. *crosses fingers* After this, I don't want to eat fries or drink coke again. And I seriously want to stay off Mac's and KFC for a year.

Good grief.

Oh, but after the movie we walked into Times, and I found a really easy macaroni and cheese recipe tt can be followed in 20 minutes. I bought raw macaroni, shredded cheddar and milk from Carrefour. After this I'm going to make me some macaroni and cheese. Yum.

My knee hurts like HELL ever since last night. Think the running + dancing did something to the joint. Fuck. I can't run today.

Ooh, quote of the day (off Wanyi's blog) and the most innovative curse I have ever heard of (up-to-date): "i hope u get raped by a tortoise". Muahaha. I love Wanyi. She has a knack for the best one-liners ever.

And song of the day: Kylie Minogue's 'Chocolate'.

Kylie Minogue - CHOCOLATE

Fragile seams,
I opened up too quick and all my dreams,
Were walking out I'd slowly,
Lost my fire,
With every single man a river cried

I had no sensation,
Completely numb, left with no satisfaction,
I thought no-one could ever get me high again,
I swear, I was not looking

Oh, waited so long,
I thought the real thing was a fake,
I thought it was a tool to break me down,
You proved me wrong again

If love were liquid it would drown me,
In a placeless place would find me,
In a heart shape come around me and then,
Melt me slowly down,
If love were human it would know me,
In a lost space come and show me,
Hold me and control me and then,
Melt me slowly down

Like chocolate, Tastes so good,
My heart's been mended who'd have thought it would,
An empty bet and still I won the cash,
A man who I love and who,
Loves me back

Oh, waited so long,
For love to heal me so I'd feel it,
Thought it wasn't breathing then you came,
You proved me wrong again

If love were liquid it would drown me,
In a placeless place would find me,
In a heart shape come around me and then,
Melt me slowly down,
If love were human it would know me,
In a lost space come and show me,
Hold me and control me and then,
Melt me slowly down

Like chocolate come here,
Zoom in, catch the smile,
There's no doubt it's from you,
And I'm addicted to it now
x 2

Just one look boy to melt me down,
Just one heart here to save me now,
Your candy kisses are sweet I know,
Hold me tight baby don't let go,
Just one look boy to melt me down,
Just one heart here to save me now,
Your candy kisses are sweet I know,
Hold me tight baby don't let go
x 2

If love were liquid it would drown me,
In a placeless place would find me,
In a heart shape come around me and then,
Melt me slowly down,
If love were human it would know me,
In a lost space come and show me,
Hold me and control me and then,
Melt me slowly down

Currently Playing Chocolate Pt 1 By Kylie Minogue see related

RAINY DAYS AND TUESDAYS

Slept around 4am last night. Explains why I could barely get out of bed to have brunch with my dad at 11am. We had kuay teow mee dry with extra chilli. Or rather, I did. But somehow my craving still hasn't really been satisfied coz even with the extra chili, it didn't seem hot enough. My mom thinks my taste buds have been short-circuited or something that extent.

After tt I managed to convince my dad to drop me off at Queensway on his way to his golf game coz I wanted to get more running gear. Another cap, a handphone pouch so tt I can bring phone, money and ez-link card (just in case) with me on my runs, meaning tt I can run further and for longer with less sweat (figuratively).

The idea is still, to train for this:

I love this ad. SO much attitude! Same reason why we all love Nike. So they charge you $100 - $200 for goods manufactured at 1/50th of tt price. So they exploit their sweat shops in Vietnam, Cambodia, Indonesia and Thailand. So the soles of Nike shoes fall off roughly after a year of wearing them. But we'll still buy Nike coz Nike has just tt: an image of attitude.

I can't wait to collect my dri-fit T-shirt. It's blue this year, and I think it's going to look even more gorgeous than the one I got last year. And the Real Run is something worth looking forward to coz I *definitely* have khakis. Managed to convince some of my fellow Home Team scholars to sign up, and a few of my teammates have also registered already. Awesome. :)

So, because a lot of my running shorts are too short for decency (and I'm wearing them a lot more often now coz of all my orientation stuff), I bought 2 more from adidas and New Balance. Not bad, they look longer and therefore more presentable, the material is nice and comfy, and I don't look like I'm sprouting tree trunks from my waist. Okay, not so much.

My dad was being his nice tactful self. "Wah! Your legs are so big!" He said, jabbing at my calves. "They're twice my size."

Me: *speechless*

ARGH! I *KNOW* my legs are big. I have elephant calves. There, happy? And the worst thing is tt I cannot do a single thing about them. As Jane and I both agree, we run like hamsters, but our calves just get bigger and bigger. And gee, here I thought running is supposed to give you nice and sleek legs? Why is it tt it doesn't seem to work for me? And so many girls tt I know have never run a day in their life (after NAPFA tt is) and yet have stick-legs! ARGH!!! Life is not fair! Life is not fair! *wails*

But anyway back to the rest of my day, took a nice long nap under my covers. Woke up with mosquito-bitten legs and a giant pimple on my nose. It's HORRIBLE!!! It's big and red (like it's been inflamed) and it's swollen. Argh! I look like a witch! The only consolation I can give myself is tt the bloody thing is on the bridge of my nose, which is marginally better than if it were right in the bloody middle of my bloody nose, in which case I can pretty much sign up to play the next Wicked Witch of the West in a remake of The Wizard of Oz.

Ignoring the horrific manifestation on my nose, I went for an evening run. Now that's one thing tt has gone very right. I've shaved a little less than 10 min off my run-time. What would have taken me 1 hour 10 min to run in the past now takes me approx an hour. This is a very very good sign. Hopefully if I can keep this up, I can accomplish a timing of 60 min or better yet, under 60 min, for the Real Run timing. *crosses fingers*

Had dinner with the parents after tt. Went to this place called 'Alexander Village' and had fishhead bee hoon (or hor fun), fried chicken wings, pork ribs and kangkong. Yum.

*sigh* I miss the dragonboat girls. Hell, I miss dragonboat. The feeling of waking up in the morning and reminding myself tt I don't need to rush down to Kallang anymore is fading, but the feel of holding a paddle in my hands, rowing, etc, is still strong. And I miss nua-ing at SDBA underneath ah ma-like umbrellas in the hot noon sun, laughing, just laughing.

All I can do is run, and wait for school to reopen.

Currently Playing Freshmen [UK] By The Verve Pipe see related

A ROWER, FIRST AND FOREMOST

How society perceives me:
1. Law student (lawyer-to-be)
2. Dragonboater (as a CCA. although everyone always confuses me with a canoeist, which irritates me to no end)
3. Police-scholar

How my parents perceive me:
1. Police-officer-to-be
2. Law student
3. Dragonboater (as a CCA)

How I perceive myself:
1. Dragonboater (a rower, first and foremost)
2. Police-officer-to-be
3. Law student

**********************************************************

Should it come as a surprise to you? That the way I see myself is so radically different from how society especially perceives me? My pride is in rowing, more than anything. I love the police force, but that is only as my future. At this point in time, it's a future I keep in sight, strive towards, but do not live yet. Law is, like I have told my closer friends, not a life, nor a future. It is my back-up plan, if I become jaded and cynical about a career in the force. It doesn't matter that much to me. It's the means to an end - a 2nd-uppers to secure a relatively comfortable life, but that's all it means to me.

Right now, dragonboating is as far as I can see, my lifeblood and my focus. It didn't start out that way. It started out as a CCA where I could keep fit, get tanned, and get into the water (sort of lah). I never actually anticipated or expected the team-bonding bit.

But it happened. Even with my initial nonchalance, resistence, etc. It happened. Training with this small group of girls for so many hours a week built a certain camaderie that I have never ever known existed. That extends to outside of training.

My teammates are not like other girls. We are not like other girls. It's not just the strength bit, looking different (i.e. Incredible Hulk arms and radical tanlines), being able to do push-ups and pull-ups. It's not just the discipline or the dedication that we have to what we do, although that is an integral bit of being a part of the team. It's that and more. We aren't political. What you see is what you get. There is no bitching, no back-stabbing, no superficial sweet talk and 'hellos hellos'. There are no airs, no pompous behaviour. Everyone is equally important, whether you're the captain or just an ordinary rower.

The environment is highly positive and motivating. We encourage each other, be it within training or even outside. We don't berate failure, we strive to do better. No one is ever blamed or ostracised, even if you are slower or weaker than the others. There is honesty, there is frankness, and more importantly, there is unconditional acceptance. Who you are, which school or fac or JC you come from, whether your first language is English or Chinese, you are accepted equally.

I don't have deep heart-to-heart conversations with my teammates. We don't philosophise or talk politics or things. We talk cock when we nua after training. We laugh at everything. Hell, we've laughed so hard together. We've cried together. We've seen each other through pain, through failure, through joys and through victory. We've more than attended trainings, we've studied together, attended camp(s) together, had lots and lots of fun together, and we've raced together. Having done all these things together, sometimes heart-to-hearts aren't necessary anymore.

I've long abandoned my initial reasons for joining dragonboat. When the training gets really tough, like when I cramp up when running or my lungs are close to exploding or my arms just ache so much that they shake when I exert power or my blisters just bleed, I keep it up for one simple reason. For Them. I train for my teammates, I row for my teammates. I am staying in the team for my teammates, because they matter that much to me.

I always thought our tagline "One boat. One stroke. One heart" was cheesy. But now I understand what it really means. It goes beyond words.

Belonging. Acceptance. Sacrifice. More than friends. Family.

"We are sisters, man." *

*note: last line is play on line of one-half of dubbed "Hideous Twins". Those who know, know. :)

VINDICATED

"I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself"

How did my day go?

Morning: Massive headache + panadol-popping. Contact lenses get contaminated (don't know by what). Eyes fucking hurt. Was supposed to get down to the Bishan Home for the Intellectually Disabled by 9am, but ended up going to Bishan J8 at 12.20pm (overslept with the panadol).

Early afternoon: Had long lunch at Long John Silvers with OG. Walked around J8 sian-ly till 2.15pm. Accompanied Angeline (my hot freshie jr) at Mac's and had ice-cream. Went back to home to do painting. Found out tt there was no more work to be done. Wasted 1 hour 30 min watching the presentation people rehearse. But had short conversation with James + his freshies which was fun. It involved the army. Was invited to watch 'Meeean Girls' with James and The Guys (there is a certain strangeness to the idea of 3 guys bonding over watching a teen chick flick, no?). Yay.

Later afternoon: Went over to J8 to get a drink with Joanna, Mabelle and Debbie. Bumped into Winston and Charmaine 3 times. Went to ka-cheow James, Shin and Jason at KFC. After Shin and Jason left walked around with James to while some time away until the sun became less hot. Bumped into Winston and Charmaine 3 more times, until it got to the point where everyone was highly embarassed and trying to find ways to avoid walking into each other. After James bought his movie tickets (I decided not to watch the movie), he sent me off to Bishan MRT. I ran home from there.

Evening: From Bishan to my home in Bukit Timah, including 10 min walking time and 10 min trying to find a way across the PIE, 1 hour 15 min (route = Bishan - Braddell - tt MacRitchie Reservoir road - Adam Road - Bukit Timah).

Later Evening: Met fave bro Chris at Holland V. Went Coffee Club for dinner coz I was in search of my elusive macaroni and cheese. Had a baked chicken macaroni - not enough cheese - calamari rings and chocolate milkshake for dinner instead. With a 3-hour-long conversation about God-knows-what. Cannot remember what we talked about. Anything and everything just goes. It's not so much catching up with each other's lives, but just throwing out ideas and thoughts and philosophies and jokes and weird little anecdotes. Always enriching, fun and highly enjoyable talking to my brother. :) Seems like we're the only ones who understand each other. Oh well.

Little snippet:
Chris: "I wish I could walk around without wearing my glasses. Then that way I wouldn't be able to see clearly enough to notice whatever might be wrong with the world."

Oh well. Won't say more than that. Am waiting for Sue to give me a response.

Night night.

"Vindicated": the meaning of.

1. To clear of accusation, blame, suspicion, or doubt with supporting arguments or proof: “Our society permits people to sue for libel so that they may vindicate their reputations” (Irving R. Kaufman).
2. To provide justification or support for: vindicate one's claim.
3. To justify or prove the worth of, especially in light of later developments.
4. To defend, maintain, or insist on the recognition of (one's rights, for example).
5. To exact revenge for; avenge.

Dashboard Confessional - VINDICATED

Hope, dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in so mesmorizing
So hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am...

[Chorus]
Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated
So motivated, I am certain now
That I am..

Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So turn up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in too deep now
to ever swim against the current

So let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip against the current
So let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip away

Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

Like hope, dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption 

PRAYER

She danced on my heart, though I'd never met her.
Our first conversation was just another internet miracle over MSN.
Our first contact was through this medium.
Half a world away, with a life I would never lead.
An angel with everything, yet with enough mortality to reach out to me.
Funny how someone so perfect would ask for help from someone so flawed?
Funnier how someone so flawed would request for and gain tt solace in someone so perfect.
We understood each other in a way that surprised me
Through words on LED screens we connected as if we'd known each other for years.
I don't know what happened to my online angel.
That day when she told me she was sick.
I thought God would have saved her, the first time she went for surgery.
I guess I'd take life too much for granted, more woe me.
I'd been so happy when she'd contacted me after the surgery.
When she'd said 'hi' and I wish I'd taken the tiredness more seriously.
Wish I'd talked to her, cared more, than I did.
I knew something was wrong but I didn't dare to ask.
And tonight she's going for a second op.
Halfway around the world, in another lifetime.
I'm reading the letter, and I'm afraid of the gravity it holds.
I'm praying for the first time in a long time.
But I'm worried the prayers of recalcitrant sinners don't count for as much.
I'm calling out for a prayer.
That whoever reads this will include her in your prayer as well tonight.
I want to see tt name on my messenger a couple of days from now.
I want to see tt face in the newspapers, the awards lists, the rolls of honour, a couple of years from now.
I want to meet my online angel.

WHO I AM

A lot of my attached friends - the one who have been in 2-year and 3-year relationships where for some, it's come to the point where the romance has fizzled out and they're only together coz it's comfortable and for the companionship - tell me tt they envy me. The swinging single. Freedom to date, freedom to go wild and crazy, freedom to have fun.

I tell that the grass is always greener on the other side. No matter what, there are always drawbacks. Fun can be overrated. You can satisfy fun with 1 night at the club. Knock back a couple of flamin' lambos and let yourself go to the pounding music all night. Want to live on the edge? Get a guy to do the bump-and-grind with you. Hell, you can even go over the edge if you want. Important thing is tt you have no one to answer to except yourself.

But seriously? You wouldn't break up with your other half just because it isn't fun now would you? You wouldn't want to leave tt nest of comfort and security, a warmth of knowing you are protected and cared for, for something unknown, now would you? Even if the unknown seems more fun?

I guess you know what I'm getting at. I am used to the number of 'singles have more fun' remarks. We all know what's truth and what's illusion anyway. Bottomline is, single or attached, taken or not, we just take what we have of our lives and make the most tt we can out of it. If we are single, we make the most out of singlehood (or at least try to). If we are attached, then we try to make the relationship work for all the reasons tt we value it for.

But anyway after Wed Jane was telling me how much fun singlehood could be, and I told her tt it was overrated. She's been trying to intro guys to me, but so far the good intentions have been going to hell coz chances are they're always interested in her instead. :P

So she asked me if maybe I chased guys away coz I was too intimidating. The whole image thing. The dragonboat. The taekwondo black belt. The angry rock chick image (I maintain I do not have a rock chick image. I am angsty, I have some anger in me, I get depressed easily, and I love rock music, but I am not a rock chick).

Actually, I think I do chase guys away. To be honest. It's ironic how the whole thing started all those years ago. When I was younger I was the complete opposite of what I am now, or at least, what I seem to be now. I was quiet, shy, timid, I didn't dare to speak up, I could be and had been bullied.

I don't remember exactly when I decided when enough was enough. When I decided I wouldn't let anyone else run my life anymore. It started with violence, or my love for violence. Violent video games, comics, drawings, movies. Then came taekwondo (which ironically disciplined and tamed the violent urges. Which is why I never raise a hand to hit anyone, whether in jest or for real, unless I'm really really pushed). My media of choice. The tough girl image.

Etc.

Ironically, the whole image thing started out as a facade to shield my weaknesses, my fears, my imperfections. Of course, they're still there. They never really disappeared, because I never really exorcised them. Yet now after so many years, I don't know where the image ends and the real me begins anymore. All has been fused. This is also the reason why I'm such a contradiction to people.

It's also the reason why I intimidate people. Because if the image doesn't drive people away, it's all the other inherent contradictions. I'm readable, but I'm not helpable. People with insight tell me tt they have seen the battle raging in me between my so-called 'good' side and 'bad' side, between my 'masculine' and 'feminine' side, etc. They see it, but they can't help it, and nor can I.

With this kind of awareness it seems like I should change, now shouldn't it? Be one or the other, demarcate the boundaries. Be... less intimidating.

But I feel tt if I give up the passions tt define me, tt I love, I'll lose myself. Lose sight of who I am.

So I'm not going to give myself. Compromises? I am making them. They've already been witnessed. But that's so far as I will go. The romantic in me believes tt some day there will be someone who appreciates someone like me, complicated and intimidating as I am.

So till that day, I'll be optimistic. :)

5 HOURS OF KTV

Highlight of my weekend: 1st KTV session since February (Ian's birthday). This time we were 'celebrating' Hsien's and Jason's birthdays. I hope I never get a KTV session for my birthday. It's just not my cup of tea.

Anyway it was the 8 of us, all ex-classmates. Me, Hsien, Ian, Zhaowei, Jason + his gf (ok, gf is not my classmate. Finally after 3 whole years get to meet her for the first time!), Sam-duh-man and Mark! Whoo hoo. After all this time of "when can we meet up? when can we meet up?" and we FINALLY meet up at K Box at Cine.

Yep yep. That's all 8 of us: Zhaowei, Ian, Jason + Qiyue, me, Mark, Sam and Hsien. :) One big happy KTV family.

I think K Box is a fucking rip-off. $21 per person for 5 hours (which IMHO is TOO MUCH) of KTV time... and there is no shorter package. And snacks are $5 for a bloody small plate of mixed nuts tt shouldn't cost any more than $0.40. WHAAAT THE HELL? If I had my way we so WOULDN'T go to K Box, but then Ian wanted a place where he could sing the LATEST Chinese songs. Coz he's no longer 'ang moh pai4'. He's now the 'hua2 wen2 pai4'.

Uh. Something like tt lah.

Anyway the whole 5 hours alternates between 5 English songs and 10 Chinese songs (okay, it seems tt way to me). Me being the bloody kentang tt I am, I don't know most of the Chinese songs or the singers. Fortunately, I know enough to sings along to Jay Chou's 'An1 Jing4', May Day's 'Ren2 Shen1 Hai2 Hai3', and the traditional every-group-KTV-must-have: Emil Chau's 'Peng2 You3'.

zhi xie nian e ge ren
fung ye gou yu ye zhao
you gou lei you guo zhua
hai zhi de chien zhe sem mo
chen ai guo chai hui dong
hui ji mo hui hui shou
cong you meng
cong you ni
chai xin cong
peng you e sheng yi chi zhao
na xie re chi bu chai you
yi qiu hua yi bei chi
yi sheng ching yi bei jiu
peng you bu zhen gu dan gua
yi sheng peng you ni hui dong
hai you shang hai you tung
hai yao zhao hai you wo

But all in all it was fun. Got to enjoy an afternoon of mindless singing, listening, laughter, frank appreciation and fond derogation... and friends doing what we do best.

CRAVINGS

As of right now I have only 3 foods tt I am dying to eat:

1. the best kuay-teow mee dry with extra extra chilli. (where where? Newton? Jalan Besar?)

2. macaroni and cheese (where Where WHERE???!!!)

3. French food at Sebastien's

Vindicated.
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

AN HONEST MAN

Or woman. I guess I've had it.

Had it with being nice, with being tolerant, with being diplomatic.

William calls it 'selfless'. When you're unhappy with the way your friends behave, but you not say anything because you don't want to hurt their feelings. When you pretend when you don't feel like it. When you say 'it's okay', 'it's no problem' etc, when in truth it's NOT okay, it IS a problem...

And with every time you pretend you keep tt hurt, tt anger all inside you, and it builds over time and wears you down, tires you out...

Such tt it comes to a point where you don't want to meet up, socialise, see people anymore.

Coz they don't make you feel like you're worth it. They don't seem to value your time the way you value it. They don't seem to respect you as a friend or a person. Insensitivity, tardiness? It's okay if we're both 10, but I'd like to think tt as functioning adults in uni and with enough character to know the difference, we can spare others a thought beyond ourselves.

I don't want to write off people. I generally don't have the energy to maintain animosity, nor do I want to. But sometimes it seems too much effort to be the good friend, to be the tolerant patient, dependable one.

So this entry is to tell you tt from tonight, I'm not going to be nice anymore. I'm just going to be honest.

That means no more 'no problems' and 'it's ok'. If you make me wait 2 hours for you, prepare for an SMS tt reads "Cross the platform and take the next train home". If I'm not enjoying myself, not enjoying the conversation or the company, I'll be tactful. I'll just tell you tt I'm tired and I'm leaving early. If I'm bored, I'm not going to pretend I'm interested. If you're not going to try at the very least to make conversation with me, the third time I have to start about the weather or some godforsaken issue like tt, it's your third strike and you're out of my list.

Harsh? Well, too bad. If I offend you, so sad. Coz 'sorries' are cheap. And I'm not apologizing anymore.

PEOPLE PEOPLE

I've noticed tt something worrying is happening to me.

I'm caring less.

This is in relation to a specific area of my life, or at least my personality - inter-personal relationships.

I've always prided myself on being a diplomat. Basically, in situations where I'm not confortable with my company, or we cannot click, or I am tired etc, I am at least able to maintain this front of warmth and friendliness, enthusiasm and niceness etc, enough to make the other party or parties feel comfortable.

That was in the past. But these few days, I don't bother any more.

I don't care. If I'm not comfortable with the company, I clam up. It's not tt I'm awkward (although tt is true), it's more like I can't be bothered to make conversation. If my friends are talking about way-out subjects tt I don't have any interest in, I don't bother feigning interest anymore. If I'm with someone it's awkward to have a conversation with, I don't have it.

This was true pretty recently, on more than 1 occasion. It's not that I have nothing to say, coz I think I've got enough happening with me to talk about. It's just tt I don't feel like sharing my life. If no one asks, then so be it. If no one wants to know, then so be it.

I'm sick and tired of being diplomatic and being nice.

Ah fuck it. I think I'm going for a nice long run with myself.

cK

I won't kid myself. I have weaknesses for a lot of things. But right now if I were to name my greatest weakness, Calvin Klein would be it.

I love Calvin Klein. The (male) scents I mean.

cK Eternity makes me weak in the knees. Very literally.

I love the way cK one smells. On me or around me. I now own the body wash too. How lucky am I?

I just bought cK one Summer, and already it grows on me. I want to use it already.

And cK be is so strong and earthy I like it. Has a very sensual feel to it.

Ooh yum.

I think I'm a cK bitch. *sigh*

FOOD FEST FRIDAY

Woke up really really early today. Seems like eating's all I've been doing. Had lunch at Junch's place, where the usual suspects of Hsien, Yanli and Ian gathered too. Junch is a fantastic cook. He's one hell of a cook tt puts all us girls to shame. Today he made a purrrfect french onion soup with a stock boiled from chicken bones and pork kunckles for tt full-bodied flavour, along with leeks, carrots, onions (d-uh) and a dash of white wine, simmered to purrrfection. That was the appetizer, served with a toasted baguette with melted cheese on the top. The main course was pork-chop baked with cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes, and dessert was Hsien'd pre-birthday chocolate cream cake from Prima Deli.

The two handsome young men in the back are the magnificent Junch and everyone's favourite long-ge, while Hsien, Yanli and I are in the front. And tt seemingly small cake in front of us packs a HELL of a punch.

Hsien, me, and YUMMY CAKE.

Heaven.

Ooh, Happy 20th Birthday (one week in advance) Hsien dear!!!!! *muakz* (bloody hell we're getting too old before our time.)

Besides tt, I bought Hsien tt Elizabeth Arden Green Tea Scent (and I caved in to temptation and bought cK Summer for myself. Bwahaha), and we sat around Junch's table discussing philosophy, literature and Chinese calligraphy. Later we even had Chinese tea.

Left Junch's place around 5+... He drove us down to Buona Vista MRT! Whoo hoo! After tt it was dinenr at Taka with a friend. We went crazy at the Food Fest, buying everything from beef ball noodles to tom yum soup (again!!!) to tt fried omelette noodles thing to nonya kueh to my aloe vera juice with the chunks. Muahaha. And if tt wasn't enough, we had dessert at coffee club - muddy mud pie, strawberry romanoff and iced mocha vanilla.

So full, but OH. So fulfilling.

And isn't THIS so cute??? And guess what, they're both MY EXCLUSIVE PROPERTY. Muahaha. Now I just need the full recipe for a 'Quick Fuck' (available at embargo). Bailey's, daiquiri... and what was the last alcohol again?

Ooh. Lastly, MY KIND OF SONG.

Natasha Bedingfield - SINGLE

Verse 1:-
Im not waitin' around for a man to save me
(Cos Im happy where I am)
Dont depend on a guy to validate me
(No no)
I dont need to be anyones baby
(Is that so hard to understand?)
No I dont need another half to make me, whole

Make your move if you want doesnt mean I will or wont
Im free to make my mind up you either got it or you dont

Chorus:-
This is my girls on single status
My decoration of independence
Theres no way Im tradin' places
Right now a stars in the ascendant

Im single
(Right now)
Thats how I wanna be
(Right Now )
Im single
(Right now)
Thats how I wanna be

Yeah, uh huh, thats right

Verse 2:-
Dont need to be on somebodys arm to look good
(I like who I am)
Im not saying I dont wanna fall in love cause I would
Im not gonna get hooked up just cause you say I should
(Cant romance on demand)
Im gonna wait so Im sorry if you misunderstood

ooohh yeah

Chorus:-
This is my girls on single status
My decoration of independence
Theres no way Im tradin' places
Right now a stars in the ascendant

Im single
(Right now)
Thats how I wanna be
Im single
(Right now)
Thats how I wanna be
(Right Now)
Im single
(Right now)
Thats how I wanna be
(Right Now )
Im single, oh oh ooh

Verse 3:-
Everything in its right time
Everything in its right place
I know I'll settle down one day
But 'til then I like it this way...
Its my way
Eh, I like it this way, eh

Make your move if you want doesnt mean I will or wont
Im free to make my mind up you either got it or you dont
'Til then Im single

Chorus:-
This is my girls on single status
My decoration of independence (Single)
Theres no way Im tradin' places ( Ooh )
Right now a stars in the ascendant (Ooh)

This is my girls on single status
My decoration of independence
Theres no way Im tradin' places (Right now a star)
Right now a stars in the ascendant

Im single
(Right now)
Thats how I wanna be
( Right Now )
Im single
(Right now)
Thats how I wanna be
( Right Now )
Im single
(Right now)
Thats how I wanna be
( Right Now )
Im single woooh
Thats how i wanna be
ooh ooh ooh ooh oooh oooh (carry on Untill End)

...anyone who thinks otherwise can pretty much pucker up and kiss my ass. *muakz*

Currently Playing Single By Natasha Bedingfield see related

TOM YUM TALAY

Yes. A good afternoon nap helps chase the blues away. Ugh. It seems like I'm experiencing PMS now... every entry alternates between calm and collected and bitchy bitchy bitchy. But I'm not. Am feeling better tho, so will just happily talk about food.

Yum. One of my first loves (if not my first love) and the reason why I will probably never lose my jelly belly. *sobs* Today we went to Thai Express. I have 2 fave Thai foods - tom yum soup, which I fell absolutely in love in ever since I tried 3 varieties of it in Chaing Mai, and pad thai - intro-ed to me by Mich at this Thai restaurant (Jane's Kitchen or something) at Orchard Towers. Inspite of the seedy nature of tt place and the naked girls painted on the wall of the bar next to the restaurant, the food there is GOOD. It's authentic - heck, the freaking restaurant people speak Thai!

But anyway back to Thai Express. Unforunately, the pad thai at Orchard Towers is better. But the tom yam soup, tho obviously no match for authentic Chiang Mai-vikllage-in-the-mountains type tom yum soup, is pretty good. Not hot enough IMHO, but yummy nonetheless. Have decided tt I now like Thai food.

Do you feel sick of Italian food? I do. I'm sick of Chinese food coz I eat tt all the time. But I'm also sick of Italian pizzas, pastas, calimaris, etc etc etc. Am looking for new foods to try. I'm not much of a steak/grilled fish person so I can never turn truly Western, but in small amounts Japanese sushi and ramen (i.e. sushi at Sakae and ramen at Don Bistro in Tanglin Mall) are good. Mexican food (The Patio at Holland V) once in a long long while has its attraction, and while German food can be yummy - think pork knuckles (recommendation: Werner's Oven at Siglap), it's really heavy.

Am looking for new foods. Have not yet tried Vietnamese, but am dying to try Mediterranean. Korean is ok lah... love bibimbap and bulgogi, but not enough to eat much of it. I'm not much of a foie gras fan but I like fried cheeses. But then again like I said, I'm not enough of a steak/grilled fish fan to truly appreciate Western food. Then again Sebastian's and Vis-a-Vis are pretty near my home, but they cost a hell of a lot to visit.

If anyone has good food places to visit with new cuisines tt aren't too heavy, let me know! I want to try new foods. :)

Ooh, on a slightly related note, when I was working temp last year, I had a boss who gave me a lot of practical advice. One of those pieces included setting up your own business - in order to be successful you had to find a niche market tt you could sell your goods to.

I'm thinking about tt niche market now. F&B is a good way to go coz let's face it, S'poreans will ALWAYS want to eat. The thing is what can you market? Grace Hung was smart when she set up Thai Express coz even tho Thai food was available to S'poreans in Lemongrass or other upmarket Thai restaurants, it only catered to the upper middle class and higher due to its prices and dining culture. Thai Express captures the mainstream middle class - students, yuppies - people with money (but not tt much), not too much time on their hands, with food (not rah-rah fantastic but pretty all right, and more than caters to people who are jaded and downright sick of pasta), affordable prices (bill can be between $10 to $20 a person), good dining/conversational atmosphere, and a hip upmarket image to boot. Same concept as Sakae/Genki/Edo/Sushi Tei I guess, just tt the latter places were overkill.

So following this idea, what kind of food can we market? Actually, if I had my way, I would set up a restaurant that sells macaroni and cheese. I'd call it 'Pasta + Cheese' or something to that extent and I'd sell all sorts of pasta with cheese. It would be the usual I guess, tomato/cream/white wine sauces, with baked pastas, lasagnes, but macaroni + cheese WILL be a staple. How can NO RESTAURANT I visit sell macaroni and cheese?! This is a travesty! Kenny Rogers' does, but it's too thick and too salty. And ooh, cheesy soups. Yum. And fried cheeses. Yummer. And dessert? Prob more than just cheesecake. Maybe some sort of sweet pasta thingy? Muahaha.

Ooh. TOTALLY unrelated note, one of my freshies posted her online photo album. So for people who want to know how hot Heather is, she's the girl in the polka-dotted dress on the left below.

And this is yet another OG 2 photo. This one looks good, IMHO! :)

I want to watch MEAN GIRRRRLS. Hopefully with my wunderful cousins Miss Joanne Yip and Miss Denise Tan, and possibly with more sinful food thrown in (yes, deep-fried banana fritters in coconut ice-cream and steamed sweetened tapioca drizzled with thick creamy coconut milk is NOT sinful enough for me), especially as Jennifer Garner of tt '13 Going on 30' movie fame which we want to watch will, as Jo puts it, possibly be 300 by the time the movie does roll around to our good old sunny little island where the censorship boards reign.

And Supersize Me. James if you have TIME and NO KHAKIS I stand here *waaaaving my hands*.

YET ANOTHER STUPID USELESS ENTRY

I'm starting off contemplative. Coz it's gorgeous now. The rain has stopped but the air is cool, the ground is wet, and you can smell the crispness in the air. Beautiful for running, but I'd just had lunch. Am hoping the weather will hold up.

BUT. Yesterday wasn't fantastic. Slept early the night before so I could finally *run* in the morning. I have 2 weeks to my dgb Victory Lunch. Is someone I want to impress, and I'm so NOT going to impress anyone with Incredible Hulk arms and a newfound jelly belly! *argh* Woke up at 7.30am in the morning... with food poisoning. Don't know if it was all the junk I ate the day before, or whether it was the spoilt tofu from dinner the night before. Needless to say, my run was called off. I just took some pills and slept till lunch.

Had porridge for lunch. Decided if my stomach could hold out, I'd run in the evening. Slept some more. And guess what? But 4pm I had gastritis. What the fuck? So pretty obviously I didn't run at all. I popped more pills and slept some more. You just KNOW it's overkill when you sleep so much tt you have a fucking headache.

But after popping enough pills, I figured tt I was well enough for my Girls' Night Out. Went clubbing for the first time since April 23 (Law Bash doesn't count) at Zouk. Met Jane, Wanyi, Sam and her hall friends. Ooh, and Xinying. Unfortunately Xinying lost her IC so we accompanied her in Winebar first. Due to my weak stomach, I stayed alcohol-free, except for a bit of beer I helped Wanyi/Xinying to finish. Think Corona beer tastes like water.

Met quite a few people. Saw Dawn and Meishuang (I think EVERYONE agrees tt Meishuang is *hot*.), my freshie Alex and his friend Jason whom another of my freshies has a crush on (but Jason was with some girl...oh dear :( ), Joanna Seetoh, Yuwei(!!!), and a few other Law babes. It's like some huge reunion gathering at Phuture, it's almost scary.

Have decided tt I'm not used to clubbing. 2 months away and not enough alcohol. The music sounds better, but the crowd was a huge bitch, the smoke was horrible, I was too sobre to not mind the fucking poseurs, bitches, lians and sluts (2 girls squeezed inbetween our group and started humping each other, our guys and even us *ew ew ew*! Like what the fuck?!), and this so-called 'cute guy' kept grabbing my friend and dancing with her from behind while I was dancing with her, and I was so tempted to just move away and join another group coz I felt like I was intruding on something... It was so weird. Not enough alcohol. Not enough alcohol. Inspite of all this, I still ended up with achy knees, a massive headache and a super-sore temperment.

Fuck, I'm not coming back to Phuture until the crowd clears. I'm not clubbing again until the crowd clears. If I want a reunion, I'll make individual dates. And next time I *am* going to drink. Clubbing sobre is not fun.

Got home about 4am. Thing about staying in hall is tt no one ever waits up for you. My dad actually waited for me even when I told him not to. Yeesh. FUCK he makes me feel so guilty. And he said I looked like a China girl. WTF? I told him I should dye my hair back blonde so I'll look like an SPG again.

Today just woke up in time for lunch with cousins Jo and Dee. Went Thai Express again coz I really like the tom yam soup. Had fun talking and laughing to them. And buying yummy Meiji yoghurt with nata de coco. But argh dammit. Weather's good but my mood is not. And it's getting bad. I see his face in everyone I meet, on the bus, in general. I can't settle anymore. No one is cute unless they have a 'kang' in their name. :(

On the bus home, David just told me tt the Andrea in uour LFOC this year is the Miss Malaysia Universe 2004! I AM SO SHOCKED. She looks SO PRETTY in her photos.

As fat lah, but pretty. In real-life I'm... I'm... speechless.

Ooh, speaking of which. Melissa (Pei) (I have 4 'melissas' in my phone now... It's getting confusing) made me aware of this song by Train taken off that Spidey 2 movie... And I realise tt she's right and it IS a damn nice song.

Train - ORDINARY

Whose eyes am I behind?

I don't recognize anything that I see

Whose skin is this design?

I don't want this to be the way that you see me



I don't understand anything anymore

And this web that I'm tired of

Is taking me right up these walls

That I climb up to get to your story

It's anything but ordinary



And when the world is on its knees with me

It's fine

And when I come to the rescue

I get nothing but left behind

Everybody seems to be getting what they need

Where's mine?

'Cause you're what I need so badly

But I'm anything but ordinary



Can you save me from this world of mine?

Before I get myself arrested with this expectation

You are the one, look what you've done

What have you done?

This is not some kind of joke, you're just a kid

You weren't ready for what you did, no . . .



And when the world is on its knees with me

It's fine

And when I come to the rescue

I do it for you time after time

Everybody seems to be getting what they need

Where's mine?

'Cause you're what I need so badly

But I'm anything but ordinary



I think I'm trying to save the world for you

You've been saving me too

We could just stay in and save each other



I'm anything but ordinary

I'm anything but ordinary (Ordinary)

TAKING THE PLUNGE

I wanted to say this yesterday night, but I wasn't in a very good mood for blogging, so I've decided to keep it to today.

A friend of mine whom I've known only recently and have never met in person, nor will ever unless she ever decides to come back to Singapore next vacation *grinz*, underwent a life-threatening experience, and till two nights ago, we heard nothing of her at all.

Funny how you always tend to take things for granted, funny how you always tend to take life for granted, until something much bigger than you comes to take everything you have from you, and you are powerless - possibly one of the few times you can truly say tt you are truly helpless - to prevent tt.

What can you do, when someone decides to walk away from you and you know all the ties have already been weakened to the point of brokenness? What do you do, when you hear tt someone is in ICU a million miles away and you can't do anything at all, not a single thing, except maybe pray?

At the end of it, ironically, it seems tt all we can do, when we are powerless, helpless and weak, is to pray.

Fortunately, she's awake and alive now. Still tired, still in pain, but alive.

I don't have experiences of people around me facing life-threatening situations. Okay, maybe a few when I was younger when my mom's appendix ruptured, but not since then. I don't know if tt makes me luckier than others.

But I've always had this view, tt one of the reasons God brings calamity into your life, is to make you appreciate what you had taken for granted before.

Sometimes, we're just so busy existing, doing our daily day-to-day routine; work or school, making money, spending money, tt sometimes we forget what really matters. Sometimes I forget tt I have parents tt love me and have sacrificed everything for me. I get irritated when they constantly bug me to stay at home. Sometimes I forget tt I have friends who miss me and cannot wait to see me (at least, I hope so *cross fingers*). I don't appreciate them enough. Sometimes we forget tt life is not so much measured by what we do, but who we spend it with.

I'm going to meet Yuwei soon at one. One of my two oldest best friends (my age lah. But I've known her the longest. :) ). It's been almost a year since I've last seen her walk through the gates at Changi Airport, off to a different world.

without me.

But we shared many memories. Of daidee sessions at the back of the class during our Standard First Aid course, of sleepovers, of proms, of virgin clubbing experiences, of holidaying together, of taking the plunge together.

Don't be stupid. We didn't get married.

We bungy-jumped.

That was I think, my insistence. Muahaha. Kai, her and myself went to Cairns together and jumped together (not the same time tho). I went first so tt I wouldn't be tempted to run back down the don't-know-how-many-flights-of-stairs I walked up.

I remember as the AJ Hackett people were tying the rope to my feet, I asked them what the attraction of bungy-jumping was.

Laughter. "The thrill." "The challenge." "And the feeling of being more alive than you have ever been."

I inched towards the edge of the platform once the rope had been secured. Beyong my toes I saw...

Nothing.

The ground seemed so far away. The faces looking up at me were like ants. It's damn fucking scary, although I would never admit this to anyone.

They told me not to look down. "Look beyond. Admire the scenery."

I think most people don't do tt. Once they're standing at the edge of the earth... er... I mean platform, their eyes just fixate on the ground far away. They fail to notice tt you can see mountain TOPS from where you stand. In the morning the sky is blue with pinkish tinges, and a fog settles around the peaks. There's a certain surrealism to everything; how often can you say tt something looks so beautiful tt it looks artificial? Painted with water colour?

"When you're ready, just go."

The beauty about bungy-jumping is all you need is to take tt 1 first step. Once you take it, you're submitted to the laws of gravity. One of the laws tt no one, rich poor young old powerful or not, is above. And once you're gone to gravity, it's too late for regrets, too late to turn back. You're just taken for the ride.

Sure, there are risks. There are always risks. A lot of people don't want to bungy-jump coz they don't see the point in doing a 1-minute activity tt to them has absolutely no use, no practicality, no benefits, but for its HIGH RISK nature.

Rope snaps. You're dead. Miscalculation. You're dead. Heart attack. You're dead.

And for what?

For me, for the thrill. For the challenge. For the new-found feeling of being more alive than I'd ever been before.

I swan-dived off. Figured tt if I were to take the plunge, I'd make my one and only step spectacular. It would be on video anyway. :P Haha.

The feeling of falling is scary. I've decided after bungy-jumping, tt if I were ever to kill myself, it would never be to jump off a building.

There really is no return. You just see everything rushing up at you, the ground gets bigger, the people get bigger, and you just wait for impact. The wind rushes in your ears, screams louder and louder, and your stomach feels like it wants to come out through your mouth.

But there is no impact. Instead the recoil just propels you to roughly around the same height from which you fell. This, to me wasthe scariest part. Coz when you fall, you fall head-first. You recoil head-first and watch the ground quickly shrink.

And the anticipation. The anticipation of falling.

Is scarier than the actual falling the second time.

But they were right you know?

At the end of it when you're lying on your back and staring up at the sky as the rope is being untied from your legs, you've never felt more alive than at this moment. Never felt the ground so clearly, never seen so many colours in the sky, never heard the sudden rush of water and birds somewhere somehow.

One of those few idiotic grin times.

The only time I ever felt like this in recent times, was on 20 June 2004.

JUST ANOTHER ENTRY

For once, I'm out of blog titles. As in really REALLY trying-my-best-but-failing out of blog titles. So I guess let's just call this another random entry. Didn't do much today anyway.

Just woke up, bummed around, went to Lido to catch Spiderman 2 on my own where THE QUEUES WERE SO FUCKING LONG IT TOOK 25 MINUTES JUST TO GET FROM THE BACK OF THE QUEUE WHEN MCDONALDS' IS TO THE FRONT. Fortunately it is easy for a single entity to get seats, even for a movie a mere 15 minutes away - where tt movie is Spidey 2, the most-requested for movie in God knows how long. I SWEAR this movie will top box-office this year. The ticket sales just don't prove otherwise.

How was Spidey 2?

Well. I expected to be disappointed. 2 papers have given it 5 otu of 5 stars and I expected my sky-high expectations to be dashed.

They were not.

I cannot believe this. Tobey Mcguire is the most un-super hero looking lead actor I've seen. He is soft and pale. He wear black plastic ugly spectacles. He trips when he walks. His life is an absolute mess.

But yet because of all his flaws and imperfections, because he is the most HUMAN of all the superheroes, we relate to him, we identify with him, we empathise with him and we love him. The superhero tt falls, is the superhero tt wins over our hearts.

I don't really like Kirsten Dunst tt much. But I like the story. I like how it ends. This time the action sequences are good and Spidey's web-slinging action looks realistic. There's lots of nice touches of humour, such as when Spidey has to take the lift for the first time in his masked life, and engage in small talk with a stranger. There's touching moments, like when Spidey rescues a train full of people and they are prepared to lay down their lives for him in return.

Sam Raimi has an eye for detail, and he exploits this eye to the fullest.

I loved this movie. I loved it for the full and complete way it approached Spidey's story and drew us, the audience into his web, enthralling us with the humanness and the softer touches of Peter Parker's life, while at the same time giving us enough action and suspense to keep us on our toes.

The movie ended around 4.30pm, after which it was a mad rush for me to get both Xiaohui and Melissa (freshies from my OG) their birthday presents, coz the both of them were celebrating their birthdays at California Pizza Kitchen tonight. I bought them both earrings which I thought were really pretty, although it was one hell of a gamble coz I wasn't sure if both wore earrings. Fortunately I have reasonable good taste.

Heh.

So it was off to CPK. Got there 15 minutes late. Fortunately I wasn't the latest. About 10 of us, including David would be there. No other OG2 counsellors came however. I guess none of the other counsellors are as close to the freshies as me and David are.

Speaking of David, he was wearing his Spongebob Squarepants shirt.

How is THIS for a completely, utterly, absolutely EYEBALL-MELTING experience?

ARGH!!! ARGH!!! ARGH!!! My eyeballs are melting.

Talk about trauma.

Yes yes yes. Those who were wondering, this is my charming G1, seen in a completely different light now.

...

Okay, moving on.

That's all of us (excluding Heather who only came later) at CPK as our food was being served. The 2 birthday babes Xiaohui and Melissa are on the left. And yes, the guy on the phone, Shang, is REALLY on the phone. :P The babe in front of me is Angeline, the one who won the Hottest Babe in Law award. She's soooo exotic-looking.

So we shared 6 pizzas (I'm stuffed now) and just chatted about stuff. I'm incredibly happy at how close our OG is. Not everyone is here - we're missing Grace for one! :( -, but in general I'm just really happy our freshies can bond so well. Now if only we could say the same about our counsellors as well... But oh well. Guess you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Anyway just in case anyone wanted to respond to my earlier advert about my sensitive guitar-playing song-singing Singapore Idol-quality OGL, muahaha. You're too late. He only has eyes for one person now, and you're probably not her. :P Too bad so sad.

Altogether now, AWWWWW.

We kind of ran out of steam after the dinner. The usual everyone just stands around and asks "so where are we going now?" type scenario. So in the end, we all just went home.

Can you feel my absolute sian-ness?

"HOW COME?

...We dont even talk no more
And you dont even call no more
We dont barely keep in touch at all
and I dont even feel the same love when we hug no more
And I heard it through the grapevine.. We even Beefin Now
After all the years we been down.. aint no way no how
This bullshit cant be true
We Family.. aint a damn thing changed.. unless its you!

We were so young
So full of life and vibrance
side by side, wherever you was riding, I went
So close, almost on some bonnie and clyde shit
When Ronnie died you was right by my side
with a shoulder to cry on and tissue to wipe my eyes
and a bucket to catch ever tear I cried inside it.
You even had the same type of childhood I did..
sometimes I just wanna know why is it that you succaim to yours
and mine I survived it. You ran the streets, I 9 to 5ed it
we grew up, grew apart as time went by us..
and I blew up to both yours and mines surprises.
Now I feel a vibe I just cant describe it
much as your pride tries to hide it. you're cold
your touch is just like ice.
And your eyes is a look of resentment.
I can sense it and I dont like it.

How Come.. we dont even talk no more
And you dont even call no more
We don't barely keep in touch at all
and I don't even feel the same love when we hug no more
And I heard it through the grapevine.. We even Beefin Now
After all the years we been down.. aint no way no how
This bullshit cant be true
We Family.. aint a damn thing changed.. unless its you!

[Kon Artis]

It was my dream at first to be off spitting a verse
on my own album with a deal but shit got worse
fore I came out I woulda killed a nigga first
for I let him disrespect me, or check me over some
worthless bitch that I wasnt with
I woulda hit it and quit
but you were fitting to talk with her and tell her she was the shit
I told you dont get involved with her
you would smoke in the car with her
coming outta the bar with her
stumbling half drunk
like you were husband and wife or somethin
but me catching her fuckin other niggas musta hurt your pride or something
cause you were openin your mouth to people like you wanted with me.
when all I tried to do was show that your bitch was shifty.
And every sister, fares and all the shit that I produced
you acting like I aint your man and lying like she cant be loose.
But I am really your friend, I'm just trying to tell ya the truth.
Dont hate the game or the player
the one thats changing is you.

[Eminen]

How Come.. we dont even talk no more
And you dont even call no more
We dont barely keep in touch at all
and I dont even feel the same love when we hug no more
And I heard it through the grapevine.. We even Beefin Now
After all the years we been down.. aint no way no how
This bullshit cant be true
We Family.. aint a damn thing changed.. unless its you!

[Proof]

Its gets lonely at the top cause my homie had to stop
now we acting like I gotta live only for the block.
And homies in the hood only see me on the tube
So they gossip on the porch
Get ta speaking all rude. fools I used to rap wit all expect magic
like my finger get to snappin
and poof it just happen.
But proof is just acting out the part he was thrown,
shady made it so my babies aint starving at home.
See the devil in your glance,
since the ghetto we been friends, forever real intellegence,
thats forever till the end.
I peep the hatred in your eyes, and the satan in your lies,
aint wasting my time with these snakes in disguise.
(HOW COME) When you talk it's with bitter and spite?
(AND HOW COME) It's my fault for what you did with your life?
And everytime I go to hear you play, you look away,
we barely embrace, you cant even look me in my face.

[Eminem]

How Come.. we dont even talk no more
And you dont even call no more
We dont barely keep in touch at all
and I dont even feel the same love when we hug no more
And I heard it through the grapevine.. We even Beefin Now
After all the years we been down.. aint no way no how
This bullshit cant be true
We Family.. aint a damn thing changed.. unless its you!"

-- 'How Come?' by D12 feat. Eminem

I'm the:

Currently Playing How Come Pt.2 By D12 see related

A WALK TO REMEMBER

Was going to blog abt my feelings now tt my holidays are coming to an end and Law Orientation is over etc etc etc, but am currently feeling too stoned to do so.

Things I did today:

1. Ate fantastic home-cooked pasta.

2. Collect race pack for Nike Real Run + sign up for Army-Half Marathon (Flag off time is at 5.45am!!! WTF???!!!)

3. Go for Law FCG at Eric's house.

4. Watch 'A Walk to Remember' with the dad. Great. Now my eyes are red and stinging from all tt crying. Bah.

"IT'S BEEN SURREAL; HOW DO YOU FEEL, WHEN THE SEAS PART BEFORE YOUR EYES?"

It's over.

Law Orientation is over. The camp, rag and flag - LAW HAS FINALLY PAINSTAKINGLY BROKEN THE CYCLE, BEAT MED FAC AND HAS WON BEST PRESENTATION!!! WHOO HOO!!!), and matric week.

There's a feeling of surrealism at this point in time. Knowing right now at this very moment, tt you don't have to contact your freshies or counsellors anymore, that school is fucking starting and life is quieting down and moving on. No more fucking stupid counsellors to deal with, no more problem freshies to have to handle even when you feel like slapping them. But at the same time, no more fantastic counsellors to mingle with and thank for taking on so many responsibilities and putting their heart and soul into this, and more than tt, no more hanging out with the freshmen tt you love, the ones tt have stuck with you loyally through it all, who helped you, who just made it feel like everything you put in and sacrificed, is worth it.

The past few days have been crazy. Yuwei stayed over on Wed night, but surprisingly I got enough rest. On Thusrday I joined my freshies at LT 15 for tt fake legal writing lecture (Joseph was super unconvincing as a lecturer: "AP David Tan from David & Tan???") - Muahaha to all those freshies who ponned matric and only turned up for the fake lecture. Wasted your fucking time only!

After tt it was off to Sentosa with 15 freshies. We got the so-called "best chalet of the lot", which we shared with OG 1. Since they were bigger, they happily colonised the best room in the house, so my OG had to make do with what with we had left. Nabe. But anyway it was all good. Specific insturctions from the Top included not letting the OG get out of the chalet, keeping them entertained, etc etc etc. Sometimes I think some people think the OGLs are superhuman. They give us a thousand and one things to do and then kao bei when we can't handle all of them. What the fuck man. But anyway the chalet thingy was fun. We got to discuss Drag Queen - poor unfortunate Kelvin from my OG somehow became the victim coz he lost at Indian Poker, and he had to embarass himself wearing Julia's hot pink shorts which looked like hotpants on him, asorted spag straps, bikinis and halters, and I felt so so sorry for him. No wonder he left the moment he could. Muahaha. We learnt how to play 'Pig', this addictive Heart Attack like game which was damn damn fun. And which I was lousy at. Fortunately for me, Alex was lousier "Pig, READY!" and Jiahui was lousiest. So we made him do a forfeit. I suggested him going down the stairs swinging his shirt and singing "I believe in miracles!" Muahaha. Damn funny. The poor boy was damn sporting, but I felt kinda sorry for him coz he seems quite shy. But the girls all agree he has a damn nice bod, so show off can lah. :)

The 4 scariest Fright Night stations had been raided by rangers unfortunately - FUCK -, so they had to relocate. As such Fright Night had to be delayed by over 2 hours. We started around 10pm, which was damn late. Had to explain to my freshies why we were keeping in the chalet so long. Fortunately they were damn understanding.

We started out at the Tunnerl Station first after the opening skit. Fucking near call. Ranger vehicle came up to us at the waiting area. Fortunately Nawaz was there and he and David managed to talk the rangers into leaving the OG alone. Ryan also walked by our waiting area as Colonel Mustard. I think he was patrolling to make sure no more rangers were around. But it was damn funny coz my freshies wanted to catch him. :P

Joanne was great in leading the freshies to the station. They actually felt sorry for her having to walk up and down just to lead them personally. They also liked the Tunnel Station. Apparently it has the highest scare factor to some of them. The next station was Chalet 702, formerly the "bathtub mirror" station at one of the derelict houses tt got raided. I could hear some girls screaming from the outside. Damn funny. Eunice my new freshie was apparently great fun for the counsellors. Although she slapped the hand of one of them when he was trying to help her, a fact tt I in all honesty don't appreciate.

Xiaohui was feeling sick, so I waited with her while someone came to to look after her. Next station was the Toilet station. The most eventful station of all. The station where MY freshie gets immortalised among all the other counsellors. Remember waiting at the end point with David and a few freshies when James comes storming out of the station, white cloak and hood billowing with this Look on his face - not the 'scare-you' look but the 'Houston we have a problem' look behind Eunice and June, as if he were chasing them out. Then he beckons David and me over impatiently and the first thing I think is "Oh fuck. What happened now?"

And then he tells me tt June physically attacked Zhihao, who was standing in the first cubicle. She punched and kicked him. He told me tt I needed to reign in my freshies. I was quite worried at this time coz I didn't know what to do, but worry became anger when June kept going on and on about how she 'kicked the crap out of the counsellor'. FYI you aren't supposed to hurt the counsellors. They are doing this shit for your benefit. It isn't fun to sit in some small dark cubicle in full hood and make-up and do the same thing over and over and over again. What fucking God given right have you to attack them and even if you do, HOW the fuck can you actually stand there and repeatedly talk about it as if you were fucking PROUD of what you had done? My god I felt like slapping her at tt point in time. So I kept quiet, didn't say a thing, and let David handle the matter till I cooled down. I couldn't trust myself with words, and at least David has a natural talent for soothing things. But I think she knew I was mad. Coz I know my anger shows in my eyes, and I knew she saw it.

Fortunately the next 2 stations were the non-scary stations, which was good, coz it was a lot lighter at heart. Eunice and Joanna were damn funny as Professor Plum and her cronies, and at the Palawan Beach hu2 li4 jing1 station where Jiahui's shirt got stolen by Clarissa *insert drooling noises here*, Jordan did a lap dance on me, and he got traumatised by Clarissa in return. Damn cute. The freshies liked the station. I was afraid June was going to attack Clarissa when she sat next to her and pretended to be possessed, but fortunately June doesn't attack girls (I think).

The next station was the former Hospital, now Cove station. Damn cute. I heard a very loud "WHAT THE FUCK?!" from Azmin when he went in. June went in with Alex who kept making such ridiculous comments tt she wasn't as frightened. Which was good. The freshies didn't think it was as scary tho. Fuck lah. Why did we have to relocate from Mansion???!!!

After that station it was on to the former Mansion II station (and formerly the scariest station in Fright Night) to the current Path station. The freshies recognised Siyuan as Sauron from Seniors Concert and made fun of his tt way. The girls went in for the station in groups of 4, which was damn unscary - but at least no violence ensued. And June said she warned Albert not to get close to her otherwise she would beat him up, and he stayed away.

Unfortunately coz we had to cut by 4am the freshies didn't get to go to the Sadako Chalet station, which would be the now scariest station in Fright Night, which was a damn waste. So Davd and I brought them on a tour of Mansion II and roughly showed them where what was supposed to be. It was agreed tt in the original location, things would be 100x scarier than they were. Esp as Mansion is really haunted.

I fell asleep around 6+am. Was supposed to sleep with the girls in one room but David didn't want to sleep with the guys coz tt room was apparently too cold for him. So we switched rooms instead, which was a blessing for me coz I got a bed (muahaha) while he had to sleep on the floor, and I got a lot of space too coz Nick was conservative and slept a lot closer to Shang. Azmin (I think) said tt this proves tt he prefers guys over girls.

Wad-EVER! (Azmin style)

Anyway in the night, 7 people left us. So for Beach Bash day on Friday my OG had severely dwindled in size. Of course tho, the ones who stayed are the ones I love the most, so tt was comepletely fine with me. We played around Siloso Beach; swam with Nick and David, talked to the freshies, played 4 stations of Orientation Games... Pretty lazy day. Quite fun lah, splashing in the sea and lying on the sand. Coz Kelvin had escaped the night before, Azmin gamely became the new drag queen, and he had to dress up as a Playboy Bunny. The spag strap, tight black trunks, black stockings, eeyore ears, make-up and tt white bunny tail tuft on his butt were THE ULTIMATE!!! I felt so so sorry for him. He was the consummate Kumar in his drag act, I swear. Maybe a little OTT coz he was making up vital stats jokes like "36-24-14-36" and calling himself 'a chick with a dick', but he was amazing. He was SO Good and SO brave and SO sporting, and to sound really cheesy, I felt really really proud to have him in my OG at tt point in time. And Grace, Angie and Alex were all really really supportive of him too.

After Drag and dinner (which wasn't enough for me), we negotiated with the FOCC for our OG to take Azmin and Alex's cars back to NUS. I went back with Alex and June. Alex kindly let me bathe in his hall. I swear, my freshies are a class act. They knew tt I was damn stressed coz David wasn't around, and even tho the comm people had made arrangements tt weren't comfortable for them, they didn;t abandon me and actually helped me a lot. We were to go back to NUS at 9.30pm, find halls to bathe in, and sleep in the classrooms provided. All sleeping arrangements were to be settled by the OGs ourselves, so if no one brought sleeping bags it would all be the cold hard floor. No one was allowed to go back to their halls to sleep. Wake up time is 6.15 am. Breakfast is 7.15am. Movement to SRC between 7.45am and 8am. And the Law Rag performance is only at 11am.

Just hearing these arrangements, I expected my freshies who stayed in hall to leave. But they didn't. June was sweet. Even tho I was very very angry with her for attacking Zhihao, I think she more than redeemed herself later. She brought all her sleeping stuff from her hall to share with the OG. Alex let me bathe in his hall as well. Derick was fantastic as a counsellor. Even though he was really busy with Rag, he spent time with the OG coz David wasn't around, he went for supper with us, and muahaha... he helped us bend the rules tt he and the Rag Comm set for the OGs. :P And later when the others came back, we all spent some time in the classroom and then went over to Fong Seng for supper.

Nick was super nice. He let me sleep on the table with the pillow. We woke up around 6.50am on Rag Day coz I let them sleep. Figured since we only needed to be out of the classroom at 7, as long as they shifted all the furniture back and cleared out, other arrangements could be made later. Azmin kindly helped me get breakfast, and we all agreed at some point in time tt the OG is beginning to TALK LIKE EACH OTHER. There is Azmin's "Wad-EVER!" and Alex's "(something)... READY" (said in a "position change!" manner) and David's "YEEEUUUCK!" and "I so poor thing..." Goodness.

So after breakfast we headed down to SRC. The arrangements were crap. It was partly our fault. We didn't come up with cheers for the freshies, so we couldn't lead them in cheers. And someone was blaming the freshies for their lack of energy, but rightly said, it was our responsibility to keep them occupied. As was it our responsibility to take care of their welfare, a requirement which I think was not satisfied. Was in a damn pissy mood coz of the arrangements. I understand them and the objectives behind them, but I don't agree with them one bit. But at least the rag floats and presentations were damn entertaining. Grace was so impressed. :) And Jordan, Shang and Zihua actually came all the way down as well, which I felt quite grateful for.

Law won best presentation!!! Have to say it again. I kind of wish we'd won it last year when I performed, but better late than never. And I KNOW we deserved it. The hours put in on the dancing, which was SO profressional and impressive, as were the amazing stunts, the costumes designed by Yuet Min and the amazing props! I know so many people didn't sleep all of the night before, which is especially gruelling coz of the Fright Night on Thurs as well, and the sheer energy and power in the presentation tt had judges personally clapping and smiling during the performance, is damn power. I was afraid Med Fac would win again coz even tho their item is simple and less intricate or as technically-sound as ours, it does have mass appeal.

Fortunately this year, the judges knew better than to just judge on mass appeal. MUAHAHAHA!!! This proves reusing your 6/8-legged prop for 3 years in a row does not necessarily mean you'll win all those 3 years!

After tt, my freshies and I and Albert zhao to SRC canteen for a drink and a bite, and Alex kindly gave 5 of us a lift to our respectives homes in 'the hearse' (our nickname for his car). I LOVE Alex's car. Damn fun to sit in the boot and wave to people in the cars behind. Muahaha.

I love my freshies.

On one hand, I'm so glad tt all this is finally OVER and I can resume with a more quiet and normal life etc. But on the other hand, I know I'll miss them, my freshies. I'll miss Grace and Angie, the two girls who just really really brightened up everything for me with their enthusiasm and their niceness and their loyalty and sensitivity, Azmin and Alex for their sheer funniness and humour, their sportingness and spontaenity, their sensitivity and their maturity (even tho the both of them pretend to be bo-chup 'fuck care' slackers, they are DAMN sweet underneath), Nick for his onzness and maturity and responsibility and his caringness, and Jordan and Shang for their caring and loyalty and niceness, and June for her enthusiasm (Fright Night aside, she was a wonderful freshie and very spunky) and generosity in sharing her sleeping stuff etc, and Jiahui and Kelvin for their sportingness when they came, and to Eunice for staying throughout as well in spite of everything.

It's still so surreal and it's still sinking in, the fact tt everything is over. But I guess it helps tt I have in my possession my stack of 59 pages to read for Tuesday's lecture (FUCK), my timetable and the knowledge tt this sem I'm going to have a damn happening tutorial group including Terri, Dave, Weitan and Joanne, and also, the knowledge tt I am now a Shearite!!!

Whoohoo.

THE RETURN OF TAEKWONDO-KIA!

Cheesy movie-type title aside, YES, suffice to say my good mood is BACK! After two days of Absolut Fuck (think Freshmen Inaug Ceremony on Monday with mysterious disappearing freshies tt *I* have to account for WHAT THE FUCK???!!!, and NUS Flag Day on Tuesday where swarms of NUS students dressed in red infest the streets of Singapore and you walk around from City Hall to Raffles Place in the blazing sun to sell flags, only to get scolded by some cheebye asshole coz there are way too many NUS students on the loose, and then have damn xiong training in the evening to top it off???!!!), today was good.

Okay, better than the past few days. Yesterday night I collapsed face-down on my bed at 11.30pm. DAMN tired after my first dragonboat land training since uh... end-of-April. First training I thought would be slack, maybe play smoe netball/basketball, go for short 2km run tt kind... We ran the 6km route at a very fast pace. Wah lau... Feeling sick the night before, damn tired + tulan + didn't eat enough on the day itself, while running I got stitches, could feel the air in my stomach, had tt horrible lactice acid overload in my legs... FUCK man. So my run was seriously fucked-up.

I HATE myself, absolutely HATE myself, when I underperform.

But anyway the rest of training was better, even though when I got home my legs were aching like mad, and even today both my legs and arms are aching from a monster run + first gym session in 3 months.

This morning I got to school stoned. I had no energy; I didn't even FEEL like being energetic. I guess as an OGL you have to try and be enthu even when you're damn fucking drained coz then your freshies, who are probably damn sian of orientation already, will not just lose their steam and drop out, but seriously, I didn't even feel like trying. Damn pissy mood. If not for David and the upbeatness of my core freshies, I don't know what would have happened. *sigh*

I was away form the OG for pretty long though. In the morning they had mardi gras - or rather this event where they showcase a mascot for their OG + set up a games stall etc. And then after tt they compete in games so tt they can buy second hand books in a better condition. But because I was taking part in the Seniors' Concert in the afternoon, I excused myself for the dry-run at 10am.

Or rather, it was supposed to start at 10am. Me and Ryan were stoning, sitting around, changing in and out of our gi; we even had an early lunch... but no dry-run. But in the end, somehow everything worked out.

We gave the taekwondo performance of the year (our only performance of this year at least).

Me and Ryan were supposed to play these two 'mysterious practitioners of a secret martial art' tt were super ego and at loggerheads with each other. So we'd base our act on 4 components - a play-acting bit where we pretended to not like each other, an unarmed combat bit, a sparring bit and a destruction bit.

So Ryan attacked me with a bread knife for the unarmed combat bit, and I kicked it out of his hands. But too much adrenalin, I accidentally kicked his head damn hard too. I started laughing a bit and forgot my mjove, so he had to fall by himself. But the freshmen watching looked shocked when I kicked his head. Then again so did he.

Still laughing, we moved on to the second second part, which involved me falling. That looked impressive... I hope.

Next it was on to sparring to Mortal Kombat music... muahaha. Which was ok except a) I was laughing, which is a no no; b) I was panting SUPER hard, which was damn funny, c) our sparring shouts of 'pa-hey!' is damn funny to listen to.

For the last part, we had destruction. 5 boards - Ryan took 3 and I took 2. We got 4 random freshies to hold the board for us. Ryan did a reverse kick, jumping front kick (damn impressive!) and a backthrust. I did a turning kick and my usual 360 degree turning kick (ooh. My hunky freshie Andre was holding the board for tt kick). Broke both boards. Muahaha.

Inspite of the cock-ups for our demo, from what I heard it lookedpretty impressive. Muahaha. So tt makes me happy. So I'm happy.

And a good Italian dinner as well as my bestest friend in the world staying over for the night, just makes everything even better! Muahaha.

Tomorrow. Sentosa and the beginning of 48 hours of no sleep.

Feel like throwing up. Think am falling sick.

DIE!!!

"THEIR FUN ROW IS OUR DISASTER"

In the tradition of NUS dragonboat (girls' team only), senior rowers organise a 'Fun Row' session annually to get freshies interested in the sport and therefore the team. In line with this tradition, a junior's fun row is generally a senior's disaster row because the water seniors' pull is a lot heavier coz the freshies consist of heh... dead weight.

This tradition is absent in the guys' team because they don't NEED more rowers. Besides, they already have a problem of gays joining dragonboat. During Matric Fair, when we were helping them pull in people they told us to make sure 'no gays sign up'. And then when this suspected gay stood in front of the booth, the 2 guys pretended to be really absorbed in whatever they were doing, even as he came all the way up to them and peered down at them. Only after he said "Can I sign up?" did they reluctantly hand him the sign-up sheet. And marked against his name to make sure he wasn't contacted. Guys have this 'gay radar' tt girls don't have I guess, coz I wouldn't have known. Or cared. *evil grin*

But I guess they have a point. I mean, it's not very secure to row in a team half-naked in very close proximity, with the nagging fear tt everytime you drop the soap it's going to hurt a lot more than you think. And the fears are not unfounded. The guys are already on Sgboy.com, this gay S'porean website. Albeit with not-very-nice comments given muahaha (and yes the pics are 100% original). This is a large part of the reason why they are going to make the first session for the freshies another 'whack-till-you-peng-san' session - to separate the 'real men' (so-called) from the ones who just want to screw around.

But anyway back to us girls. From the very beginning.

In the morning I took a CAB to school to reach there ON TIME at 8.45am in the morning after receiving Mona's message (sent at close to 2am the night before) tt we were supposed to be there. I didn't want to be late. Surprise surprise. No one else got tt message.

Argh.

But anyway it was fun chilling, using up my last $5 in my wallet for cab fare and having to borrow money from Mona (who also only had $%) for breakfast. Then as more people started coming and the freshies started coming, I became to enthusiastic 'toilet auntie' - the person who directed every one to the toilet, etc. And Mona was excitedly telling us - or trying to - a piece of good news.

Mona: "I have a piece of good news to tell you."
Geox: "What? No more running?"
Mona: "No. Not tt good."
Geox: "What? You're moving to Boon Lay?"

Coz Geox and Mona live damn near each other, and every time Mona goes for a run she will instinctively DRAG Geox with her.

(Actually piece of good news was tt Mona would be getting a new bike, but I thought Geox's speculations were a lot more worth puitting up!)

Anyway among the freshies who came there was this girl called Sarah who had pink-streaked hair. I LOVE her hair!!! It's so cool and head-turning. And her friend's so hot too, with a really nice golden tan (tt I've lost! Waaah!). And there's a group of girls incl 1 called Mabelline (who will make for a lot of cosmetics jokes to come), and MY COUSIN!!! Denise! Muahaha. Coz if you are reading this *huge bear hug and kiss* I love you thanks for coming down!!!

I tried to apply my so-called OGL people skills to the freshies, interacting with them etc. Didn't really talk to tt many but I thought those I did talk to were really nice. David coached our 'Fun Row', which IMHO wasn't really all tt fun... I guess there is only so much fun you can get out of dragonboat rowing alone, esp when you lack the arm strength as a freshie, but the answers I got when I asked everyone how they found training was "It's ok. I'm ok." Hope they were being honest and not just nice, but I think they seem like really nice girls. Sporty, or sporting, and really willing to try out new stuff. Plus I have pretty high hopes. The girls have a lot of potential. It didn't take long for their timing to go from 'char kuay teow' to quite together, and their strokes were quite nice for a first time tryout. And some of them were really whacky and fun.

Mona likes my cousin. She thinks she is funny. I like my cousin too. I think she is funny too. But I foresee a future of Mona and my cousin agreeing with each other too much when I get high and start doing all sorts of funny things tt I do when high, like sing out-of-tune, or go "Yip yip yip" or dance around. Ugh.

In other notes, my eye-candy made a reappearance. *sigh* I haven't seen many guys who can carry off Asics shorts well. He's one of them. :( But oh well. Will just say 'goodbye'. Goodbye.

It rained heavily just after the row ended so we - the now-senior rowers, had to huddle in the shelter before going to bathe. But the time we finished bathing it was 2pm and the guys had arrived already for their training. Had lunch at City Hall at 3pm, went to church at 6pm, had steamboat dinner at home at 8pm... And in between all my SMS messaging and deseminating of info for Law Matric is going to make my dad hit the roof when he sees my handphone bill for this month.

HAIL COMMUNIST CHINA!

People who know me from JC remember tt I used to have nothing good to say about Hwa Chong. I used to compare it to Communist China. I used to complain about how our uniforms made us look like factory workers. I used to say how standing in the courtyard was like standing in Tiannanmen waiting for Chairman Ang to address us.

And yet today I went for the 30th Homecoming Carnival - which is the last event tt Hwa Chong will be celebrating as a JC before it integrates with Chinese High and becomes Hwa Chong Institution (which Mr. Perry says is just another name for the Hwa Chong Asylum).

That's right, we went back to the Humanz Room to visit the tutors too. But not to get too ahead of myself; before going back to school I had lunch with Marky-Mark at the Rice Table. It's this Indonesian restaurant at Cuppage that has buffet for lunch and dinner at $12.80 and $18.80 respectively. There's a choice of 14 dishes including tauhu telur, beef rendang, chicken satay, sayur lodei, etc. Not bad lah. Had a decent conversation with Mark as alway, then we made our way down to Hwa Chong around 2.30pm.

Got there about 2.55pm and hung around the Humanz balcony. It was a mess. Full of people; and very messy (eg dirty). Stalls were set up for selling food and games (there was one where the vice-principal got dunked in water twice), and uh... they were playing Chinese music (i.e. old HC songs tt I never bothered to learn). The 'rest' of our class - Elly, Eunice, Peiying, Hsien, Junch and much later, Yanli came by; but for all the promises from other people tt they would be coming as well, I heard neither head nor tail of them either.

We stopped by the Humanz Room - my first visit in over a year. Perry was there, but Burge came by later. Perry asked most of everyone where they were, and he got answers like 'Cambridge', 'Oxford', 'York', 'Warwick' and 'LSE'. Obviously I was not asked. But besides tt, we did engage in small talk with him and later Mr. Burge - who looks a lot like John Kerry. "Vote Kerry!" We also asked questions like "Where is Mr. Miles?" and were directed to the white board in the front tt read "Mr. Miles is not ****! here", and we took photos. Mark using the timer on Hsien's camera makes for good entertainment. I have incriminating photos of him on my handphone now. :) Now if I super-imposed another guy standing behind facing him bent over the table...

Anyway photo:

For the record, from left to right tt's Hsien, Junch, Perry and Kerry... I mean Burge, me, Eunice, Elly and Emily. Peiying's left the room and Mark doesn't know how to work the timer on my camera (so he's taking the picture for this shot).

After tt we walked around a bit coz Mark was desperate to finish his $20 worth of coupons (he didn't). Bumped into Jon from Law 2 times with his gf.

Took some photos with Hsien at the Humanz Balc:

That's Hsien aka 'Tiny' to the left, and tt's me to the right. I hate my arms. Ugh. You should see why. And YES, I am losing my gorgeous tan. Fuck. Girl in blue with back to audience is Peiying, and guy leaning over like he wants to fall over the railing is Mark.

Did the mass dance 'Wild Wild West', or the little I remembered of it, and then went up to the Taekwondo Room to see if things had changed. This is the punching bag, my pride and joy for 2002:

After all this we left for Venezia for ice-cream.

All in all, IMHO the Carnival was about as good as I'd expected it to be. Which was not tt good. The class gathering had as good a showing as I expected. WHich is not tt much. But we engaged in decent conversation; met up with certain people I would have liked to see again, and had a decent Thai dinner meal and conversation with Yanli after tt. I like Carrefour's mango pudding with huge mango chunks and aloe vera juice with huge aloe vera chunks, but I can't find Junch's beef bones either. :(

Tomorrow: more fun stuff. Dragonboat water training for me. Fun Row for my juniors, multiple-tyre-row for me.

Btw, if I sound a little bitter, don't mind me. My tolerance for fakes, original girls, super bimbos and most of all stupid people is currently at zero.

I don't know how this relates to everything, but I feel like I've lost a lot more faith in the human species, or at least in Singaporeans. I feel tt sometimes people make promises tt they don't mean at all, and in the end these promises just get broken. Sometimes they are small promises and you think they don't matter to you, but maybe you don't realise tt they might mean more to other people. If you want to make a promise, no matter how small it is, mean to do it. If you know tt you can't, then don't make it. Coz unless it's an emergency like your grandfather just died or something, then don't give me fucked up excuses. Coz I'm damn close to telling you to go fuck yourself already.

On the upside, check out this link for the ultimate lameness in KTV.

BREAK THE CYCLE

Law Matriculation Week feels like Law Camp all over again.

Except for of course, the obvious: the jaded-but-bonded 'old freshies, and the 6 clueless new freshies (whom I hope will integrate well into the OG and catch tt same spirit. I don't think it should be tt difficult coz my OG has the nicest freshies I know, but here's keeping my fingers crossed).

Is it me, or are couples sprouting up everywhere since Law Orientation started? We have a new counsellor-counsellor pairing now, and a new counsellor-freshie pairing too. And possibly more on the way, especially of the freshie-freshie variety. Ooh how exciting. :)

I understand tt some of my freshies have/may have access to this blog. The knowledge is a little unnerving because I reveal sides to myself tt I don't normally show others, if at all. But after a bit of consideration, I've decided to go on as per normal and keep the blog here, the way it's always been (in any case I LIKE this blog. I like the ugly boring no-skin layout because I realise tt it best describes the way I want things and my life to be. Serves its purpose, doesn't beat around the bush, and doesn't give you an overdose of pink-cutseyness tt will push me into a state of psychotic aggression). I've never had anything to hide, and like I said in a previous entry, I don't practice self-censorship. My blog is all honesty; if people read something they don't like, it's their own fault coz no one is stopping them from leaving the page. I will admit tho, tt as far as matric programs go I will not mention any info of what is happening in the next week on my blog, just to be safe. So for any of my freshies reading this, here's a wave and a big 'hi' to you. :)

Anyway I'll just do a brief recap of today. It's the last day of Matric Fair - with the chapalang groups of Law, Med, and I think, Music. Coz Bikwei made it damn clear in her email tt counsellors were to be in school by 9am sharp, for the first time in Law Orientation history I was punctual. But almost half of the rest of the counsellors were late.

After a briefing and a walk-through, I went down to the Matric Fair even tho I wasn't on duty today to help pull in people for Dragonboat. I believed tt my presence would help a lot more coz I could co-erce people into joining, plus it would be a lot more fun than just waiting at LT 15 for the freshies.

So I bounced over to MPSH where Angeline and Meiping were (yes, I was SUPER high in the morning), and my presence helped a leeeeetle bit. I managed to get people to sign up for both the guys' and girls' team on sheer enthusiasm and doggedness alone, but not tt many lawyerrrs. Oh, but I did get Andre aka Fabio Man of Men to sign up! Haha. I'm so happy. To be honest he's my fave non-OG freshie coz I think he's cute and superrr-nice. :) He obliged to sign up on my account even tho we both know he prob won't join Dragonboat. And I got another guy from either OG 3 or OG 6 to join simply by standing in front of him and going "Please Please PLEASE do it for me!!!" until he grabbed the pen just to get me off his back.

I think I've just given the guys' team 2 more admin problems to handle.

The Law FCG people were at the CSS group, so Renita came over to talk to me too. And in the meantime give me phamplets to hand out for Law FCG. So since then I was standing in front of the dragonboat booth handing out phamplets for BOTH dragonboat and Law Catholics. Angeline and Meiping found it highly amusing how I traumatised people by first asking them if they were interested in joining dragonboat, and then if they were in Law and were Catholic. Or how I would be selective and ask some people (the bigger/sportier ones) to join dragonboat, and the other people (the not so sporty ones who look Ang-mohnised) if they were from Law and Catholic.

Finally found out who Justin from the guy's team is too (he's the one who looks as cute as a furry animal). He's Catholic too! He looked amused and content to let us girls jio everyone for them.

David called me around 11.30am coz he was a little irritated tt I had disappeared and left him to deal with the incoming freshies alone. So I waited for my 'old' freshies - Angie, Grace, Heather, Alex, Azmin, Jordan, Shang and Nick to come by, and then I conveniently left with and led them back to LT 15 via Law Fac.

We have 6 new freshies now - 3 guys and 3 girls. 1 girl left before I came tho. I kinda feel sorry for the new freshies a little coz our 'old' freshies have bonded so well tt they must feel really left out of everything. But I hope tt over the next week they will blend into the group. It shouldn't be difficult if they come for all the days and activities, and make the outings. But if they keep siam-ing then it'll be hard for them to blend in. But here's crossing my fingers. The new people look damn nice too.

For Ice-Breakers after lunch, all the guys left, and only Huiyi was the lone new freshie. Ironic for Ice-Breakers - coz the rest of my freshies knew each other so damn well. We lost 2 games and won 2 games, but for one of those we won we DID the forfeit - this funny thing where you lie on each others' stomachs and go 'ha ha ha' counting) because my freshies WANTED to. They thought it would be damn fun. John Lu says it's because our G1 is David. David warps everyone. Muahaha. But I like David.

And it was damn fun for me, watching them. :P

But after Ice-Breakers I was really really damn shacked. Thing about being really high is tt after tt when you hit a low, it's REALLY low. And David disappeared after lunch for his band practice, so I more or less had to handle the OG. But kudos for my counsellors for helping! And my OG's really independent/zi4 dong4, so tt helps me millions.

Wanted to practice with Ryan for Wed, but some emergency cropped up for him. Am worried both for him and Wed. Suspect we'll be cancelling. Am disappointed, but the reason is justified.

Went to Mac's with Joanna, Jit and Debbie for dinner coz I didn't get my parents to cook in anticipation of tt practice thing, plus I was superrr tired and hungry. Jit was really heath-conscious. She only ate an apple, wanted to dirnk orange juice, and I watched on in fascinated horror as she and Debbie painstakingly squeezed the oil out of every fry.

They say it tastes nicer.

Right.

They say it's healthier.

Right.

I won't even go into my views on the whole topic.

But anyway somehow I ended up making a comment on one of the huge benefits of having a bf: whenever you want to ask him around/out at the last moment, chances are he'll always agree. Coz he'd rather cancel on his other commitments to be with you (point proven with Jo's bf).

Oh well, but if I haven't said it enough, I'm content being the way I am. Single, independent, and free. :)

Coz I'm prob gonna stay this way for a long long time.

Anyway will sleep early tonight. Have JC class outing + Hwa Chong homecoming carnival to attend tomorrow.

I'm going to sign up for AHM. Am thinking of competitive (tho I've never tried the route). Will not be going for Triathalon coz I STILL can't cycle. Bah.

Instruction: Bold whatever applies.

i have a cell phone.

i have friends who use me.

i am an only child.

i am a shopaholic.

i love dangly earrings.

i have smoked a cigarette before.

i love cold weather.

i'm obsessed with the computer.

i have shot a gun before.

i can't live without music.

i have no tolerance of ignorant people.

i have ridden on a motorcycle before.

i'll be in this town forever.

i've been to 5 other countries.

i get annoyed easily.

i eventually want kids.

i have neat handwriting.

i have more than a few horrible memories.

i am addicted to chocolate.

i am an atheist.

my parents are strict.

i love airplane rides.

i love taking pictures.

i hate girls who are fake.

i can be mean when i want to.

my parents care about my grades.

one of my best friends is a guy.

i have way too many purses.

i'm obsessed with lip gloss.

i am easy to talk to.

i would never eat raw fish.

i cry easily.

i hate when people are late.

i procrastinate.

i love winter.

i have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.

i love to sleep.

i wish i were smarter.

i'm afraid of flying.

i hate drama.

i bite my nails.

i have been on an 8 hour drive.

i never fight with my parents.

i love the beach.

i have never had the chicken pox.

i have gone out in public in my pajamas.

i can't control my emotions.

i have a best friend.

i haved moved more than once.

i truly love my friends.

i have/had braces.

i love to write.

i have never broken a bone.

i agree with racist people.

i hate my computer.

i love guys that play the drums.

i state the obvious.

i'm a happy person.

i love to dance.

i love to sing.

i love cleaning my room.

i tend to get jealous very easily.

i love cute underwear.

i have gotten high before.

i love night better than day.

i have been on the phone for over 5 hours at a time.

i don't like to study for tests.

i love God.

i am too forgiving.

i have horrible sense in direction.

i miss elementary school.

i have had a boyfriend before.

i'm a daddy's girl.

i love kisses on my forehead.

i love the color pink.

i love to sew.

my eye color changes.

i should see a therapist.

i played on a guys sports team.

i become stressed easily.

i hate liars.

i like comfy sweatpants.

i can play the piano.

i love the smell of rain.

i love my family.

i hate needles.

i am a perfectionist.

i always wanted to learn to play the drums.

i hate the feeling of failure.

i have friends in other countries.

i know how to cook.

i can be quite selfish.

at times, i still act like a little kid.

i have food allergies.

i love little kids.

i love to read.

i wish i were more motivated for school.

i love getting stuff in the mail.

i love summer.

i love the weekends.

i love black eyeliner.

i think i'm pretty.

i type with one hand.

i live in a one story house.

i wear make-up.

i have never rode on an underground subway.

i can't swim.

i have bad memory.

i go to church.

i sing in the shower.

i have never been camping.

i hate cheerleaders.

i usually get what i want.

i have been on stage before.

i love roller coasters.

no one knows my full story of my life.

i am close with my parents.

i don't have a curfew.

NO TIME TO WATCH MY LIFE FLASH BY

Thursday! Finally, one whole free day to myself. Can't believe how ecstatic I am. Muahaha.

Anyway the past 3 days have passed in a blurrr. When I told my parents I would be busy, they underestimated just how busy I would be.

1. Monday:

Pre-Flag Day/Canvassing Day for Rag & Flag. The day where desperate law students go to various law firm to beg for paltry sums of money. Had to wake up at the ungodly hour of 7 to get my butt down to Raffles Place MRT by 8.30am. David said he had something on, and no other counsellor turned up till after lunch, so I was effectively the only senior amidst my OG of donation-collectors. But even so, we managed to form a group of *10* people (which is considered huge) because a record number of 9 of my freshies turned up! I love my freshies. I can't say it enough, how proud I am of them. Guys like Azmin ready to drive down within 30 minutes of knowing tt there is canvassing on the morning itself. Or Alex and Jordan skipping hall orientation for canvassing (imagine tt). And basically everyone else who really did sacrifice almost 8 hours of their lives for this.

I hate canvassing. I hated it as a freshie, and I still hate it now. I'd been depending on more counsellors - or at least David - to come down because I had no confidence myself in teaching the freshies how to to collect donations. Yet my freshies were more than enthusiastic; they took the initiative all by themselves. They split themselves up into unsupervised groups; Nick became the de facto leader, and Angie and Grace were fantastic in talking to the companies' representatives. Even tho they were all new to rejection, they didn't lose their steam - they even happily went to non-law firms on their own initiative to get more $.

Of course, our collection was feeble. Law firms tend to be the most stingy, esp when canvassing is a twice-yearly affair for law fac, and Shenton Way firms are the WORST. Ironic t firms in poorer locations like Chinatown will be more generous than firms in posh offices. I mean, if you can hire a receptionist, you can damn well part with tt $2. At least.

2. Tuesday:

Met a friend for lunch around 11.30am. Had a free-tour of California Fitness Centre while I was at it. Tt place is amazing. I WANT. I WAAAAANT. I hate running on threadmills, I don't like the bike and the stairmaster, but all the weights I want are there. And all the classes I want are there. But $58 a month is SO not worth it... Argh.

Had interesting conversation with friend over lunch. Involved embarassing secret of freshie (not my OG) as well as certain fetishes. He speculates tt I have a thing for good bodies. Come to think of it, I have to admit tt yes, I have a thing for good bodies. It's double standards coz my body looks far from good, but honestly, muscles turn me on. That's why I like guys with broad shoulders, arms bigger than mine, and muscular (not stick) legs. I realise tt this is a bit hard to find in Singapore. Okay, quite lah. Unless I really do go for a body-builder (but like I'd said before; chances of them marrying their mirrors is higher). Oh well. Sad fact of life.

...

Anyway won't divulge much else of conversation. I have belief tt I will remain single for at least another 10 years. Apart from tt, after friend left early I went to while some time away window-shopping. Okay, ended up buying a Nike top tt I'd been seeing around for quite some time but had refrained from buying. I am turning WEAK. I love sportswear. Running shorts, Nike tops etc etc etc. Dammit I have to stop this.

Left for Harbourfront around 2.15pm. Met Guanzhen, Tenny, Keng Keong and later Terri in the carpark, then we headed over to Sentosa for our dry-runs.

Wah lau. Me and David weren't around for the all-important instructions to wear shoes. We paid dearly for it. For the record, I have 10 mosquito bites on my left foot (foot, not leg) alone and 7 on my right. KNNB. And I have even more on my legs and arms and hands. I tell you, Tuesday was a fucking scratch-fest for me. That was all I seemed to be doing. Even Tenny felt sorry for me.

On the upside, we got to learn Taiwanese Heart Attack. Muahaha. Damn fun. Especially saboeing David and KK. When KK keeps ALMOST-winning and then ultimately losing, all the Hokkien curse words start coming out. And then he and Paul keep saboing each other, it is so freaking hilarious.

The stations were good too, IMHO. The counsellors did a damn good job, even though there are a lot of improvements to be made. Me, Terri and Shin keep sticking together for the stations. Terri always forces herself in the middle, and I always try to make Shin go first (I'm evil). Not supposed to divulge too much, but nevermind. Soon all will come to light.

The downside was the waiting time. We were waiting so fucking much and I kept getting all my mosquito bites while waiting. And all tt excitement just faded to sian-ness after a while. We ended the entire day with a briefing at 3+am. By the time I got home and slept it was damn fucking late. Even got in trouble with the dad coz I told him not to wait up, but he insisted, and in the end at 2-something he called to scold me for not telling him where I was. Not too good coz I was so damn tired I was damn close to yelling at him on the phone.

In other news, I've come to realise tt even after you know you're completely over someone, sometimes the little stabs of wistfulness do surface every now and then when you see things tt remind you or what could have been, and maybe what you might have lost.

Wednesday:

I didn't sleep on Tuesday night. I had a 2 hour nap.

Woke up at 7.15am. Zhenyi called me on the phone. Apparently coz I'm on duty for dragonboat at the matric fair, and I have to help Zhenyi man the booth. Waste my fucking time. Came at 8am, the guys only came close to 9.30am, and the people only started coming in at 10am. I was still very tired, my eyes were bleary, and I was in a very dull mood.

The day was super dull as well. The only faculties for the day was SOC/Comp Engin in the morning, and Bizad/SDE in the afternoon. The former faculty has very few people, and is made up of 3/4 PRCs/Indians - and I'm a fucking kentang elistist anti-China Chinese xenophobe, and the latter faculty, tho more promising than the first, has too many Original Girls. I learnt for Zhenyi tt my dragonboat senior Yunshan and ex-captain Serene used to be Original Girls themselves, but my stand is tt there are Original Girls tt can be pirated (like them), and Original Girls tt are too-far gone.

Btw, when I mention Original Girls, I mean the ones who try to look like Taiwanese stars and absolutely will die from physical activity, get scared damn easily; the super-fragile got no spirit type girls. There are a lot of slim, pretty girls I know who are gung-ho and sporty. They run, they do track, they climb, they're damn onz, and the fact is tt these type of girls have an X-factor tt the really Original Girls lack (besides the fact tt these girls can be 'pirated'). That is why the HOTTEST girls (there is 'hot' and there is 'HOT') are always the slim, pretty ones who are sporty.

Meiping joined us for lunch, I played phamplet-girl/walked around the area looking for friends, and well, tt pretty much sums up my day. It was so boring I could just kill myself. I'm not good at this pulling-people-in-job coz I'm too prejudiced (I refrain from approaching PRCs and Original Girls), I don't introduce training enough, and I get tired too easily. Can't keep tt smile on my face for long. Ernest from the guys' team was actually more successful at sweet-talking girls into signing up. We would have made him our official female recruiter except for the fact tt he only recruits chio bus (i.e. Mango addicts), not our needed back-packers (the bigger, fitter ones).

I wish I could do matric fair duty on Friday instead when the Law people come in, so tt I can use my clout (or at least my connections with the freshies) to get them to sign their names on the sign-up list. Okay, so Law is too small to have many potential dragonboat girls, but I believe I really can get one or two to at least come for the first few trainings.

But unfortunately I found out tt I have to be stationed at LT 15 on Friday morning. :(

Besides tt, one of my teammates roped in my cousin Dee! She just messaged me last night saying tt she's coming for the Fun Row on Sun! How exciting!!! I want to have my cousin in Dragonboat too! She will make a damn good addition to the back-pack! Muahaha.

Went home for half-an-hour of shot-eye, then bought ice-cream from Venezia and headed for my OG bbq. Probably the highlight of my 3 days.

Almost everyone was there. Had a lot of fun. There was a lot of food, both cooked and to-be-cooked, a lot of dessert, and we played stupid games like tt Taiwanese Heart Attack.

Because I was so tired, I decided to abstain from any alcohol whatsoever. Unfortunately we had 2 rounds of a drinking game (Indian Poker), where 2 people helped sabo themselves. Me and David sabo-ed ourselves. I happily went to pour a lot of absolut mandarin into my cup. So imagine my shock when I realised tt I had to finish 3-4 shots worth of vodka in one gulp. And because David had been happily guzzling on Bailey's before, his forfeit made him damn high.

So there were 2 high people at the BBQ - both the OGLS of OG2. He started playing his guitar and singing for us. He started out with sappy songs like 'Now and Forever', and ended up making up songs about everyone. I started bursting into giggles/laughter at everything. Besides turning the colour of a lobster. Everyone looked horrified for me.

I love my freshies. Dammit I can't say it enough. Grace is so amazing to have planned all this and worked so hard for us. And the guys Alex, Azmin, Shang and Nick for having helped her with everything too. Everyone is so nice *sighz*. And Alex is damn funny. He keeps going "I like it. I like it a lot" in this way tt makes me just burst into laughter at everything. And Jordan has a amazing classical voice. He said he could sing Josh Groban, and when he sang 'Vincent' to David's guitar I finally saw why.

Got my dad to pick me up around 10.30pm coz I didn't trust myself enough to take a bus. Got a lecture from him about drinking. (Coz he doesn't know how much I usually drink).

Argh, Wed night was fun fun fun.

And now I have 1 free day to rest before Matric Week starts.

Yes.

WEEKENDS ARE FOR PUTTING YOUR FEET UP

I have a habit of resting my feet on my computer tower. Don't ask. My dad thinks it's only a matter of time before I get electrocuted. But I think it's not going to happen any time soon coz there's way too much insulation (plus my skin is thick. Either tt or fat doesn't combust easily. No wait,. Hold tt.)

Anyway I may be getting a week-end adoptive sister soon. On Saturday (that's yesterday) morning the parents and I took a drive down to a Children's Home coz my mom's been asked to take care of this child on weekends. Her name is Olsen and she's 12. Her mom died of cancer last year and her dad's in prison, and she need a wholesome loving family to redeem her faith in the human species. We haven't had the chance to meet her in person, but if all goes well, I'll be seeing her in the next 2 or 3 weeks.

I clocked around 22km in mileage the past 2 days. Was attempting to run 15km today but couldn't make it. Ended up taking a bus home (muahaha)... So I'd say around 12km? But damn slow pace. Not snail now, just tortoise. But I love my MP3 player. It's my constant companion. Unfortunately it's not an iPod. Just a Philips Nike. Can only hold a measly 50 songs. But I guess 50's enough for me. Love my playlist. Think Missy Elliot's 'Hurt Somethin' is a damn good running song.

Unfortunately, my running has been pretty much cancelled by my eating. There is NO WAY I can get a pretty waistline and abs and lose the thunder thighs and Hulk arms if I OD on $13.90 Japanese ala-carte buffet at Watari Japanese Restaurant on Peck Seah Street. That's right $13.90 for unlimited tempura prawns, california maki and shake maki, agedashi tofu, yakiniku beef, karage chicken, teriyaki chicken, chawanmushi and miso soup, and shake belly sashimi (ok ok. That was a separate order)... *waaahhh* ANd the best thing is tt right now I crave tom yam soup again. Fuck, maybe I'm pregnant. ARGH!!!

Last night while watching 'The Next Big Thing' on Channel U, it struck me tt ALL the S'porean girls on TV look like carbon-copies of Jolin Tsai. This FURTHER backs my point on why I despise Original Girls. Yuckz. What the hell man? I don't want to be associated with the common S'pore Girl anymore.

Speaking of which, tonight parents and I were having a discussion. Apparently S;pore girls are supposed to be the 'loosest' in Asia. You can fuck them after 1 date. My stand is tt the world is still a fucking chauvinistic place.When guys screw around it's socially acceptable. They're 'studs', 'virile', etc. But when girls do the same thing they're 'loose', 'cheap' and whores'. If I had my way I'd pass some bill on tt. Prob in a section close to the one about castrating rapists and sexual offenders.

...I hope I get a hall soon. Right now I'm quite worried. My parents have already told me tt when school starts all my 'activities' stop. And if they knew about how late my dragonboat trainings on Tues and Thurs end they might either ban me from training or make me quit the team. If I don't get a hall I don't know what I'm going to do. Fuck this sucks.

Had a lot on my mind to blog about but right now I can't remember a single thing. Oh well. Till I have more to write about.

"MY FAVOURITE JAPANESE FOOD IS NABE."

According to Mark, there is a Japanese dish known as nabe. Or apparently, kaninabe (altho Martin says it's really 'kaminabe'; 'kami' meaning paper and 'nabe' meaning steamboat).

My mom has a habit of telling people what food I like. Because I eat so damn much (just ODed on chocolate and coconut coated marshmallows, and for lunch had dah mee and braised frog legs in claypot with black pepper sauce *yum*), she can say anything. She can say "My daughter likes to eat Italian food." She can say "My daughter likes to eat Korean food." She can even say "My daughter likes to eat Japanese food."

In fact, on Thursday night tt was what she said. And then the usual answer is "Oh really. What type of Japanese food?"

I used to hem and haw and throw out 'Sushi. Sashimi. Tempura. Ramen. Unagi don. Etc etc etc.'

From now on, I shall say, "Nabe."

BUT anyway, back to last night. Met Mark for dinner after my run, at Borders. A few things, such as my deciding to clear some heavy and long-overdue emotional baggage in the late morning, my watching of Ella Enchanted (ONLY because they didn't have a suitable timing for Mean Girls), my insanely-long run (which was a horror for me coz I had probloems sustaining my pace... and NO. Pain while running does NOT appeal to me), and later having my MOM fetch me down to Orchard coz I'd realised I'd forgotten to take my handphone with me there... ON THE BUS, having to take another bus home and subsequently wasting 20 min...

And I actually got to Borders on time.

So anyway we ate dinner at Borders Bistro. I had a BEEFY LASAGNE coz I wanted meat. Like, MEAT. Yummy meat. Not heavy meat like beef steak, but def beefy. And lasagne was the only beefy thing on the menu. Muahaha. Mark had seafood pizza. And we both had beer - ordered my Erdinger even though it's damn ex there. I figured the diff in price between a standard beer and a premium is about 4 bucks, so since I'm drinking (once in a long while), I might as well enjoy it. Besides, Erdinger happens to be a beer tt when poured right, has a nice foamy head at the top. So you can always turn to the person opposite you and exclaim in all delight: "Ooh. I love head."

Anyway Mark and I have very good conversation. Okay, you can sort of guess from the content in this entry what kind of conversation we normally have, but tt's just part of it. Seems we've come a long way from my sweet, innocent SC girl with the 'tiny waist' (his words, not mine, although I appreciate the compliment considering tt now I HAVE NO WAIST!!!) and his not-so-innocent Chinese High boy (yes, he of the obscene khaki shorts variety) to uh... where we are now. Yet throughout, it still feels like nothing has changed. A year in Cambridge hasn't given him a pretentious English accent (only one he turns on and off at will, which is a good thing tt he can turn it off at will because everytime he turns it on I go into an epileptic fit of laughter). It hasn't turned him gay (...hmm). It hasn't corrupted him too much (then again there wasn't tt much to further corrupt). But he seems an even better companion now than he was before. :P

Anyway without delving into too much of the details of convrsation, we went from Borders to Swensen's for my promised Earthquake. And talked somemore, laughed somemore, and I don't know whether it was the alcohol-high, the sugar-high, the happy-high or all three combined, but I'd never laughed so hard in a long time. At this rate I think I'll have to introduce beer into every one of my future outings. :P

Ooh, and there were a lot of inane moments too. Mark's the only person whom I can announce to tt:

I THINK YEO SHENGLONG IS SEXY.

"What?!"

Seriously. The moment he opens his mouth I just wanna rrrrriiiiiippppp his clothes off. *meeeowwww*

(Okay, I have a feeling tt Sheng is going to spend the rest of his waking life avoiding me from now on. :) )

...And then there were the lame jokes, like:
1. What is the most desirable man on a nudist colony?
Ans: A man who can carry 2 cups of coffee and 12 doughnuts.

2. What is the most desirable woman on a nudist colony?
Ans: A woman who can swallow all 12 doughnuts.

3. What is the similarity between a woman and a tornado?
Ans: They both start off with a little blow, then they come wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car with them.

You get the picture. See ya next week Marky-Mark. I have found my fellow traumatising/traumatised companion to take back to the Hwa Chong Carnival and laugh at everyone there.

Muahaha.