absolutum dominium

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A Boy Named Goo
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WED NIGHTS ARE FOR MAMBO

Wrong.

Didn't go mambo. Didn't go Phuture. Didn't go club. Didn't touch a sip of alcohol, let alone my intended 2 lambos.

OH WELL.

Went to support Sheryl at Mediacorp. She was in the School Belle thing with tt KR girl Sylvia. Thought she looked really good in the pink tube thing. I'd never seen the KR girl till tonight but everyone was telling me how hot she was.

To be honest, no lor. Okay, she has sae. I think the hairstyle is pretty damn cool. Colour as well. And she has striking features. But I still maintain tt Sheryl is prettier and has a better figure.

Okay, maybe I'm biased.

For our 5 min airtime, we were rotting at Studio 1 for almost 40 bloody min. Belinda Lee wasn't as thin as I was told. In fact I think she has a good figure, not too thin, not too fat. Dress design was nice but the colours were horrible. Oh well.

Went for tt School Belle thing in the clothes I'd been wearing since bloody morning, pink tank, black track pants and pink Trail slippers - the kind you wear to the bathroom. Someone suggested go Mambo after the School Belle thing.

Right. Go Mambo in pink Trail slippers.

Fashion statement siah.

So bloody tired this evening. Tired, depressed, unmotivated, sianz. Totally un-energised. Bothered. Francis asked me how my love life was.

The same as ever. Non-existent.

The slightest hint of the guy I like is pretty much a non-issue. It doesn't and shouldn't exist because it simply will not happen, will not be allowed to happen, and is merely a figment of my sad unrealistic dreams and over-active imagination.

Bloody hell.

Oh well.

I guess I just need to tear myself out of dreamland and start living.

But had supper with the Beekers at KR Fong Seng. I'm STILL craving ice-cream and bloody chocolate, but chilli, ikan bilis and deep fried this and tt keep me happy for now.

I think guys have weird taste. One of the guys was going on abt how hot this girl was, and how much attn she drew when she went up to dance. When Sam and I looked at her we were like, "Uh. No lor." Seriously. I think guys and girls have different versions of hot. I guess for us "hot" isn't just about the figure, but also the looks. You have to be vaguely pretty for one. For guys, it seems like all you need is the figure, long hair and an un-ugly face.

Oh well.

Anyway met an old sec-school mate who changed so much I couldn't recognise her. I swear I've been doing a lot of tt. People come up to me and they're like "You're Isobel right?" And I give them this major blank stare like they're from Mars and have antennas sticking out of the tops of their heads. I suck lah.

And Martin saw me but he didn't say 'hi'.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Last thought: I think you're sweet.

Okay, 2nd last thought.

Last thought: Thanks and praise God for sending me things and people to make the depression go away.

"Everyday, I live for you Lord
Everyday, I long to follow you"

Be my strength Lord. For today, and tomorrow, and the day after.

3:16 AM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

GUILT-TRIPPED

I hate it.

Did I tell you how much I hate it?

One of the things I hate most in the world, is choice. Whoever said that freedom of choice would set you free ought to be taken out and shot.

I hate it that so many things somehow always end up happening at the same fucking time. Hey, you have to do thing A at 8pm. And then thing B crops up at 8-fucking-pm too. And then thing C just 'happens' to overlap.

And it always happens. I hate it. I hate having to prioritise and choose 1 choice over another and wonder if I'd made the right choice. I know there's no such thing as looking back and regretting, but I always get tt guilt-trip problem.

I'm so sorry James, tt I set up your expectations so high, and I made you crash and burn. And I know how much you were looking forward to it, as was I, and I'm so sorry I had to cancel on you. I hate it when things get so fucked up at last minute.

I'm frustrated coz tomorrow there's trial advo tutorial, and dragonboat land time trial + mooncake festival, AND just now my freshie asked if I would go support David at S'pore Idol tomorrow and Friday. And altho I'd been wanting to it's damn obvious tt I have to choose my loyalties, and it fucking sucks coz you feel an obligation to someone or other, but THEN. And on Fri I've got my heart set on an ACT talk at St. Bernadette's Church, which is ALSO at 8pm, and dammit I can't go for both... *sigh*

I hate tt feeling of being left out, left behind, wondering what you've missed, wondering who you've let down and how much and for what. What's worse is when you realise tt the choice tt you thought might have been the best just wasn't; you weren't as integral as you were made out to be; you could have appeared later or not at all, and then you just want to scream "Fuck you!" at the whole world until your lungs burst out of your chest.

I hate feeling like there are so many things tt I need to or have to do, and somehow I just don't seem to have the fucking energy or motivation to do them. I want to get down to my work, but I don't seem to have the motivation to get started, or get anywhere, and I feel so threatened, yet not enough to push myself. I want to run, to burn off all tt sugar and chocolate and the *weight* and the *flab* and everything about my body tt has been bugging me like hell, but I just feel so tired and sleepy thinking of running. I wanted to join all my hall activities but somehow I don't even have the motivation to sign up or go for them.

I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I don't know where all my energy or zest for life is going. I'm praying to God to let me let go, to stop depending on myself but on His strength, but somehow I still can't find peace.

All I feel is tired, and depressed, and oh so guilty.

Choice, my ass.

9:06 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

20 min to Law FCG session. Should be making my way down now but ah hell, once I finish with this.

Finished company law assignment between 4am and 5am last night. Prob took so fucking long coz half tt time was spent revisiting Friendster (whenever someone new adds me, I start surfing/resurfing and wasting my time on tt site). Printed out the document. Will submit it 24 hours early. Don't really care what the fuck kind of grade I get for it coz I'm seriously pissed with it and I don't think I'm going to touch it again. Just made the word count after maxing it out by 300+ words last night. Oh well. Goodbye company law. I'll see you again in November.

Obviously I couldn't wake up this morning for lecture. Company law lecture. Must explain why there's no guilt attack. Apparently it seems the lecturers are making more references to David. Guess word has got round to them even tt he's tt S'pore Idol guy. Heh heh heh. But I could wake up on time for Mac's breakfast with James. Zhun zhun wake up at the end of my lecture to message James. Must be coz of the craving for scrambled eggs again. Who cares tt it's got fucking 652 calories? Don't care. Exercise like a freak, race not till end November, can't keep depriving myself of good food and sin every now and then, otherwise I wouldn't be fucking human.

Ugh. Am so sleepy right now. Must be the result of the lack of sleep. Explains the superbly grouchy syndrome too. Oh well, guess all can't be fine and well. Funny thing how last night, while I was playing an addictinggames.com game on my comp, I heard the KR B-Blkers make a lot of noise. Got kinda irritated but purposely ignored them... until Ee Yang calls me on my hand phone and tells me to look out the window coz apparently all the people on the roof had been trying damn hard to get my attention. Purpose: to wish me Happy Mid-Autumn Festival. Was kinda touched + flattered by the attn + the action, but it was so weird... And apparently Sam even heard people call my name. Ugh.

Anyway I'm disturbed right now. Revival of feelings for absolutely no good reason other than sympathy and sadness. Dammit tt's not good. I'm dreaming of you now (good dreams of course), and tt's so not a good thing coz it worries me as to where my mind is going to. And I am further troubled by the attns of someone whom I don't trust.

BTW, I thought I'd just say tt I'd rather stay single than ever ever ever get attached to someone in my hall. Coz once you do, EVERYONE knows about it. When and how you get together, when and/or how you break up, and everyone has all these opinions tt it's just damn super scary. I don't ever want to be gossip fodder for anyone anywhere anytime, no matter what the sacrifice.

So there. Off I go for my cell group meeting.

2:46 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

THE MONDAY AFTER

Bloated from guzzling too much fruit juice. That fruit and vegetable juice thingy from Fruit Tree actually isn't as bad as I originally imagined, especially since a week in the pantry fridge has put some yummy small ice bits into it. But it's green in colour. Makes you think you're drinking chlorophyll. Although I probably am. Never mind. As long as I don't turn green, I'm ok.

Didn't do any work today. Let me just clarify. I managed to wake up to submit my prop law assignment + attend prop lecture on time today. Go me. I managed to have a damn fun bimbo + bridge session with the bim gang at Arts canteen between prop law and trial advo, only to conveniently fall asleep during trial advo. Then I managed to catch 40 winks before netball IFG this evening... only to completely oversleep and miss it and wake up just in time for dinner. WTH.

And after tt I watched both Resident Evil: Apocalypse and Ju-On 2 in the comforts of my room (yes, I have the complete movie files for both movies), shuffled down to watch American's Next Top Model, and very fucking obviously, I have not touched my company law assignment at all.

Oh. On the upside. The AHM pics are out. On the downside, I look spastic.



A part of me feels like going on a short run tonight coz the weather is so good and very simply put, ANY-FUCKING-THING is better than doing work, but my legs ache too damn much. Stairs kill me.

Argh. I cannot believe what a bloody nua slacker I am tonight. Even watching Reality TV, which I don't believe in, is preferable to doing an assignment tt is due in less than *2* days. What is wrong with me? And my food cravings as scary. Now, besides my mac and cheese and Crystal Jade, I absolutely crave *ice-cream* right now, and coz of reading Kiwishine's chocolate fondue experience I SO want to go to Max Brenner's and/or the chocolate buffet at the Fullerton. Ugh I suck.

In fact one of the things I've been wondering, is why I happen to be so attached to the physical. Why it is tt I actually have cravings tt are so intense? When I want a certain food, I want it bad and I want it now, and it's like nothing else suffices. When I listen to music, which I love, I get so bloody involved in it sometimes tt I don't see the rest of the world. When I watch movies, I involve myself so deeply in the plots tt I can feel the way a character does, as when I read an engaging story. When I read or watch the news, feelings like sadness, anger, or even scorn comes over depending on what I read.

I can detach myself from people, but I can't detach myself from the physical. From experience. I can't do anything for functionality alone, it has to have an intrinsic value to me. I have to know why I'm doing what I do and to really believe or be interested in what I do before I can do it. I don't know if it means I'm not emotionally-mature, tt I choose to involve myself so completely to so many things. Fair enough, part of it is sub-conscious, but for the most part, it is a choice to let go. To succumb in a way tt I control at all other times.

It puzzles me. Not that I will change, but I am puzzled. And thinking.

And in need of getting back to my work. Ugh, ice-cream ice-cream ice-cream.

[edit:]

I'm praying for 2 people. For someone's mother, may her soul rest in peace and may the Lord's eternal light shine unto her. And for tt someone, that even though he's not close to me, he will find the strength to move on and live and be at peace as well.

And I thank God for my parents, who love me, who care for me and understand me, and that they are still alive and healthy to be with me even now as I write.

[end edit]

1:13 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

ARMY HALF-MARATHON: THE REPORT

1. Pre-marathon preparation:

WHAT preparation?! Arhahaha. Never train for run at all, never do any kind of funny mental workshop thingy, never eat properly, get self sick, go for intensive training the day before. And then the night before, supposed to sleep at 10pm so I get 6 hours of sleep before waking up at 4am (yes. *4* am. Granted, poor army boys have to wake up around this time more regularly than me, but they're *forced* to do it and I'm doing it out of my *own free will*). BUT THEN so used to sleeping at 3am/4am/*never* am I, that the earliest time I feel sleepy is 1.30am. Ended up watching WWE Bottomline on Channel 5 at 12.30am. WTH? Besides tt, I can't actually fall asleep. I'm in this half-asleep half-awake mode all the way from 1.30am to 3.30am - coz between 3.30am and 4.00am I'm *awake* already. Don't even need to worry about oversleeping coz I'm not even asleep! Muahaha. Furthermore, between that 1.30am and 3.30am, the half-asleep part of me dreams firstly, of rowing. Here I am in my sleep doing mental exercises on to improve my long pulling stroke. And then secondly, I dream of myself running down Kallang. Arhahaha.

*close to tears*

2. The Marathon itself:

Signed up and went for the AHM thing with 7 of my teammates. I was the earliest at the Padang area (wonder why?), and it was so weird coz I was one of the very very few girls amidst this whole sea of guys, and most of them were wearing some kind of army singlet or outfit or other. So out-of-place at 5am in the morning. Bah.

And worried that I'll end up a) getting stomach cramps; or b) gastric attack while running (these are the 2 most common things tt happen to me when I run), I make sure I eat a hearty breakfast before running. In the end I eat too much and begin the run feeling like throwing up. Whoopee.

Speaking of which, our run got off to a roaring start. Really. The competitive run, which we signed up for, starts off at 5.45am. The non-competitive run starts at 6am. At 5.50am, we were still casually walking to the starting point.

Me: "Uh... It's 5.50am already. Do you think they've flagged us off yet?"
Teammate (peering at crowd of people gathered at starting point. At this point of time announcer makes some announcement about flagging off at 6am): "No lah. So many people there still."

5.55am. The announcer qualifies himself. "The 6am flag-off time is for non-competitive runners. Competitive runners, you can make your way past the starting line and start running already."

Me: ... ... ... ...

And so all 7 of us girls squeeze past this sea of army boys from the back all the way to the front of the starting line. It's like Phuture all over again with the wolf-whistles and squeezing past all those yucky bodies. And so we start our run 10 min late.

Between the end of Shenton Way and Sheares Bridge Geox and I lose the rest of the team (we get left behind, essentially).

Around East Coast Park, we find Angie. Then Jen Ming says 'hi' to me, and then I lose Geox and Angie (I ran faster).

Around 9.5km into the run, I slow down. And then my long-lost eye candy tells me to 'jia you' and I become so ridiculously motivated tt I sprint up to the 10km mark. Obviously sprinting anywhere in a 21km run is not a good idea.

Between 12km and 13km I decide to walk. Then Ian catches up with me and he actually inspires me to run a bit. But then he joins the rest of his contigent, and the stretch between 14km and 17km officially becomes the longest 3 km of my life.

I think the stretch through the Indoor Stadium, SDBA and the Kallang area is absolutely horrible. I was so unmotivated I actually walked for most of this stretch. What was worse was tt because I was wearing my bloody dragonboat singlet - the guo2 da4 long2 zhou1 one -, I kept hearing people mutter behind me "Eh... Guo2 da4 long2 zhou1." Or "guo2 da4". Or "na4 ge4
guo2 da4 de4". Or "guo2 da4. Then I'm zi4 da4".

Argh. So irritating. And so embarassing coz I'm supposed to be some super fit woman thing coz I'm in dragonboat, and here I am walking and getting recognised by so many people (even after the bloody run I got recognised as "Hey, it's tt guo2 da4 girl!" ARGH!!!! This is the last time I will EVER wear a dragonboat singlet to a run like this.

I caught up with Zhen Yi around the 17/18km mark, and lost her a little later. And then the run actually encompassed our water training running route under Sheares Bridge. Whatever inspiration I had at 19km was lost when I saw where I had to go. WHY?!?!?!?!!?!!?!

Argh.

So I completed the run in very lousy time. But it's not too bad coz 1) I gave myself under 3 hours (!!!) to complete the run, so I obviously made it; 2) I completed it before 9am which was also the time I intended to complete it within; 3) I intended to complete the run, which I did; and 4) I saw my eye-candy and he spoke to me *swoon*. Okay, admittedly I'm long over the crush, but STILL. The inspiration counts for something! Haha.

Ah yes, so tt's it. Run over and completed, the first 21km I have ever run in my life. Out of it, I got a finisher's medal, a cert, SUPERBLY aching thigh and calf muscles (which resulted in me taking off my shoes, and then walking around the Padang wearing them like slippers, tip-toeing around (coz I was wearing my shoes like slippers) and swinging my medal and socks in one hand. My teammates found tt damn funny), blisters and corns on my feet, a detachable last toe nail, shorts tt got so SOAKED in my sweat it looks like I dumped them in the washing machine and forgot to take them out, and an amazing hunger tt demanded McDonalds, thereby negating any hope tt I had of losing any weight at all from the run.

Oh well. But it was fun, it was an experience. McDonalds never tasted so good. And my mom cooked kway chup tonight (Mona! I didn't ask for it! I didn't even know she was cooking kway chup), so dinner was really really really good (it tastes even better than the ones you buy outside coz my mom is a 1st class cook!!!). But once again, weight loss completely negated.

And now I am dead for property law assignment. Gotta rush it tonight then. *am strangely satisfied tho*

[edit: side notes]

Craves:
1. macaroni and cheese from Kenny Roger's (not tt fantastic, but don't know where else to get better mac and cheese)
2. Crystal Jade - porridge, dim sum and egg tarts. Yum.

11:39 PM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

ACHING AGAIN

Today's training was intense. Well, actually, it wasn't. I think it was *my* own fault. Pushed myself too hard in the beginning and didn't regulate my pace.

Oh well.

Woke up at 11.20am... Even though I slept really early (12.20am) last night! Yeesh. If Boon Chin hadn't messaged me, that is it man. That is it.

Had brunch (breakfast and lunch together) at 12pm. It seems I'm merging my meals a bit these few days. Eep. Char siew bao, siew mai, and bak chor mee with extra chili. Later during training when I was talking to my junior Cindy, she was telling me how guai she was by eating it in SOUP without any chili at all, and I was like... whoa. 0_o You're taking this strict training thing so much more seriously than *I* am!

Anyway Mona had a brief session with us on nutrition after training. In summary, she's more or less banned me from everything that's nice and delicious and that I *LOVE* to eat, like deep-fried food *sob*, ice-cream *double sob*, chocolate *triple sob*, all sorts of carbs (okay. qualification. we NEED carbs for energy for training, but cannot overload [otherwise we'll become fat(ter)]), and worst of all... NO MORE KWAY CHUP!!!! *waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaails* In replacement, we must eat more protein like steamed fish (yuck), tuna (YUCK! I hate tuna) and chicken breast (yuck). :( Can't I just eat beef steak instead? Heh heh heh.

But anyway water training was... actually it should have been manageable. We didn't do anything that was killing. I knew it! Shouldn't have gone and bloody tried to show off and give 100% even when I wasn't required to! Argh... Towards the end it really was like every single time I tried to row, I couldn't pull as far back as I previously could, and Kallang water always damn near blinds me. It sucks when you get an average of 2 blisters per finger on each hand, but it sucks like HELL when your butt gets abraided by the stupid seats of the boat! Dammit, even 2 towels not enough now. EARGH!!!

Fortunately the run was short. Then again yesterday's killer run made today's one look easy. And we didn't have to do as many push-ups as I'd expected. And my pull-ups are ok unless I get too tired *yay*. But army-half marathon tomorrow... Gotta be there at 5am. SIAN. WHY oh WHY did I sign up for bloody 21km?!?!?! When I pass by parts of the route and I see stuff like '13km'; '17km' etc etc etc, my eyes widen in horror.

After training I was SO hungry my hands were shaking. And my back muscles ache like HELL. Argh. Have to sleep early tonight. And rush my assignments too. Oh well.

... ... ...

But I love training and I love my teammates. :)

*big hugz to Geox and Mona especially* Although Mona's coxing needs practice. Heh heh heh.

Ooh. And quizes taken. I don't know accuracy of the first tho. o_o ...But I like the second! Hell yeah. :)

You are Sweet and Innocent
You're style is quiet and cute. Guys notice you more often then you notice them, but your relationships may tend toward platonic friendships. You tend to shy away from serious relationships and spend more time alone or with your friends then you would in the back of a movie theatre snuggled up with your sweetie.

What kind of flirt are you? **with pics**

Beatrix Kiddo (Black Mamba)

You're the Bride! Strong and determined, you can do anything once you set your mind to it. You long for vengeance and for a happy ending, and will do anything to achieve them.

Kill Bill: Which Deadly Viper Assassin Are You? (Vol. II spoilers... results with pics)

And a quote that I like because *i'd* probably be the person saying it myself:

"Don't say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believe it."

10:21 PM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

XIN JING CHA GU SHI

It was worth it.

It was:

1. Worth sacrificing 4 additional hours of sleep, to travel to some ulu theatre to catch the first morning show.
2. Worth sacrificing a good and hearty breakfast for a hurried bite to get the beginning credits.
3. Worth spending $7.50 on.
4. Worth catching alone, even if it made me look like an anti-social friendless bitch.
5. Worth packing my schedule even though I knew the lack of energy was a factor that I might regret later.
6. Worth risking my 3 due assignments for, even though now I'm damn worried I might not be able to catch up.
7. Worth catching, even if it was the only Chinese movie I'll ever catch, considering what a 100%-certified kentang I am.

New Police Story. I caught it this morning. Amidst the horrified gasps of my peers who believe that this is Jackie Chan cheap-flick fluff and cannot believe why I might want to watch it so desperately, below are my reasons.

1. Jackie Chan was one of my idols for the longest time. I took taekwondo partially because of him. And my parents had to sit me down the day after they agreed to let me take up the sport, just to tell me that getting a black belt didn't mean I could backflip off walls and do jumping spinning kicks the way he can. And in this movie he's back to his authentic chop-socking self!

2. My fave Jackie Chan movie of all time is Police Story III - the one with Michelle Yeoh in it. And yes, Michelle Yeoh was also an idol of mine.

3. Mata mata!!! I've already got a vested interest in a life in blue, so I might as well get started somewhere. Besides, Hong Kong Police flicks are compelling (like Infernal Affairs). And they do blow up the HK Police HQ.

4. The style. Did you catch the trailer for the movie? Damn cool! How Jackie Chan's team of 9 men die in the beginning, how their mission gets converted into an online game... Whoa.

5. Nic Tse. When I was young and impressionable, I had a formidable weakness for pretty boys with floppy hair (of which my best friends can safely attest to). Okay, admittedly the weakness still persists, but fortunately for me it's not as extreme as before. Anyway I became a majorrr fan of his when Gen X Cops came out, and when I saw tt he would be acting in New Police Story, I thought he would become another reason to watch it.
The only problem is tt now tt I've watched it, I'm a fan of his again. ARGH!

Yes, if you feel anything like the way I do, then New Police Story is worth watching. It's not anything super-outstanding etc etc etc, so if you're looking for something highly sophisticated or arty-farty (god knows what reason you'd have for doing tt) then don't blame me if the movie's not up to your expectations.

But it was more than up to mine. Feel like buying the VCD when it comes out.

... ... ... ...

In other news, barely rushed back in time for Law FCG CGL meeting. Didn't have time for lunch. Worship session was good, but meeting itself was IMHO too long. Okay, we covered *everything*, but seriously about half the stuff wasn't really necessary, at least not to be brought up at this stage at this meeting. Which lasted till 6pm.

Had my lunch (a sandwich) at 6pm. Or is it dunch? Was relatively pissed. And cold. And so hungry.

Argh. Bad mood again. Get irritated when people make me do things I don't want to do. Leave me alone.

NB: Someone looks like someone I knew and behaves like someone else I knew. Wonder if tt person is playing games with me. Would like to give person benefit of the doubt, but if you screw with me, be warned. I won't let you off.

11:13 PM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

NABE. First time run with a guy in god-knows-how long. His super-slower, can *sing* while running pace is *STILL* faster than my kanina fast until want-to-DIE pace. ARGH!!! Why am I so fucking unfit?!?!?!?!

But then again 6km in approx. 35 min. The fastest 6km I have EVER run in my life!!!

[edit #1] added:

Him (trying to be motivational)~ "Don't underestimate the power of the human body." ~
Me: (mental state) "Fuck! Kanina!" (on repeat mode)

[edit #2] added:

Thoughts tt comes to mind after reading article abt PAP partying at Zouk.

#1: "Dude... where's my car?"
#2: "OMG! I *have* to see this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
#3: "No wait. OMG I *DON'T* want to see this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
#4: "Arhahaha. Now when my parents say clubbing is bad and for girls who don't have a life/live only the night life (i.e. are whores), I can say *the* most respectable bunch of people in Singapore party (singular) at Zouk."
#4: "Oh wait. My parents HATE the PAP."
#5: "Haha! Now stupid taxi-drivers have no excuse for not knowing where Zouk is anymore! Muahaha."
#6: "Fuck. My mind is on the wrong topic. It should be on WORK, not PAP or Party or anything PA-ish. Off blog off blog!"

[end edits]

8:42 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

And suddenly at 12.46am, in the midst of struggling through just completing one fucked-up assignment, the depression hits me suddenly like a fist to my stomach, and I wonder if I should get a clinical subscription for Prozac.

1:45 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

WEDNESDAY'S FOR COMPANY

Social company, not company law. Or any other kind of law for that matter. Wed rocked tho. Started out in the morning meeting James for Mac's (yet again). Good heavy breakfast, eggs and great company put a really huge smile to my face. And James even helped me carry charcoal from Clementi! Which was so so sweet of him. Coz 9 kg of charcoal is NO JOKE. Esp since I decided to buy Dynamo (which is heavier than 1 box of charcoal) as well. Ooh, and I bought pink Trail slippers. So pretty. Yayz! Thank you James!!! *big hugz* You've been the biggest biggest help to me, esp since I've been so falling apart with all tt stress!

After tt I lugged the charcoal to Harbourfront, where I met my teammates. Haha. They helped me carry the charcoal straight to the chalet (can do front deltoid raise, right? :P) Had a nice big bite at Seah Im Foodcourt with the girls and traumatised Mona all the way from there to the chalet. Muahaha. Then again everyone was traumatising her by parroting all her training lines "It's all in the mind!" "Upslope! Lean forward and open up!" etc etc etc. Speaking of which, the route up to the chalet WAS an upslope. Freaking aching thighs.

After much dilly-dallying and mixing of milk and butter and bacon and celery bits into the mashed potato/potato salad, the whole bunch of us made our way down to Palawan Beach. Where we promptly a) swam to the platform and dived off (the forward flip dive is DAMN painful on the back! But at least it looks damn cool. Muahaha. Vic even wanted to try a back flip dive but Yirang convinced her not to.); b) built sandcastles and befriended this cute little 5-year-old kid called Wilbur whom Vic kept bickering with and everyone else was content to let have his way, and who divulged to us that his dad slept in the nude. 0_o So cute. And we tried playing frisbee and beach soccer and volleyball (with a super lau4 huang1 ball), but the operative word is TRY. We are dragonboaters for a reason, and for most of us that reason has nothing to do with balls.

Unfortunately, we were all superbly hungry by 4.30pm. So we upped and left, headed back to the chalet, pigged out on mashed potato/potato salad, crackers and whatever other ready-to-eat food we could find, sang KTV (or rather, watched Yirang and Wendy our special KTV-ers sing Sun Yanzi and S.H.E) and lazed around till it was time to start the BBQ.

And what a BBQ it was. There was so many chicken wings (all BBQ-ed to perfection by Yirang, our multi-talented junior), incredibly good satay with satay sauce, hot dogs and crabsticks, lots of marshmellows with melted chocolate and chocolate-filled apples. We were eating so much tt we were all incredibly bloated.

BUT THEN there was STILL food left over. Dragonboat tradition: play number game to finish up the food. I almost thought I was lucky. Heng heng last item of food (the huge chocolate-filled apple) left... Cannot be me.

Shit. Spoke too fast.

And then we yam-senged first Peach Tea and then Bailey's, and me the uh... 'resident chiongster' got extra Bailey's from people who didn't want to drink so much.

I left for hall after playing a round of Uno Stacko with the usually dormant, occasionally active Dork Club headed by our dearest Mona, who founded tt special one-of-a-kind 'Draw 2' move tt even Geox has perfected! Wahaha.

And then... it was off to Phuture later. Wore a skirt coz Jane asked me to wear one, so I wore tt pretty white skirt with the black flowers, which looked really out of place. I looked more like I was going to a wedding! Haha. And with the black heels too. And because we were leaving before 11, I realised I only had 5 minutes to apply my make-up. I'm amazed at how much I can do in 5 min. Muahaha. I'm good.

So it was me, Sam, Wanyi, Beidi and Jane, in 2 cabs. Stupid taxi driver didn't know where Zouk was so he brought us ALL OVER the fucking place. First to MS, then round the whole of Great World City and all of us had totally lost our patience, esp Jane. And we had to pay for his fucking mistake. PLEASE, you drive a fucking cab and you have no fucking idea where Zouk is? Are you really tt swaku?

But all was well and good. Me got my 2 flaming lambos (drunk at 1 shot). Happy. But tonight the music at Phuture wasn't fantastic, and the crowd just sucked. It was TOO much of a crowd. What the hell man? We got squashed, stepped on, had to move between Zouk and Phuture and wherever had less people etc etc etc. Damn fucking irritating lah. What the hell.

So it wasn't a bad idea to drink a lot. Have decided tt 2 flaming lambos is cheaper than 6 tequila shots anyway, so this will be my choice of poison from now on. Anyway altho I was high enough to dance like I was possessed and not (really) notice the sheer horror of the crowd, I was still relatively sobre. Not drunk or wasted or anything to tt extent. Muahaha. Go me.

But after tt wah lau. Feet hurt like mad when we walked out of Phuture. Super-dehydrated and HUNGRY from the dancing. I was really starving. The lambos weren't settling properly and I was developing a headache. Don't know how I managed to last tt 2-hour session later in the TV Lounge, but it was fun anyway.

Slept around 5.30am, and woke up at 1.30pm. But today I've been in a damn pissy anti-social mood. Actually I'm really sorry, if you're reading this. I wasn't in the mood for company, and I'm sorry tt I wasn't nice or friendly or accomodating. It's nothing to do with you. I'm just stressed when I realise how much I have to do and how little I've actually accomplished.

Oh well. Back to work work work.

10:54 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

Two lambos at 1 shot and I was still relatively sobre. Didn't even get wasted. I rock. Now... If only I can do something about the fucking hangover?

Update after I get my sleep.

6:38 AM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

RUMMY IN MY TUMMY

Am sitting in room sipping green tea like old grand-muhdda. Would prefer to avoid such sedentary activity, but stomach is bloated. Not with rum, but with food glorious food. Dinner at Holland V (again) with a main at Thai Express and dessert at NYDC (again). The chocolate cakes at NYDC are orgasmic. The creaminess of the mousse, the sweetness and the richness of the texture, the slight bitterness of the thick chocolate used; coupled with creamy macadamia nut ice-cream with huge chunks of macadamia... Heaven. Seemed surprised that I have never been for the chocolate buffet at One Fullerton tho.

Oh well.

I woke up this morning, thanks to an unintentional wake-up call from Boon Chin tt had me rolling out (and subsequently falling out) of bed and landing in a heap on the floor. Literally. So I rushed to get ready and go for training at 11am. I swear, it's stressful, this whole thing about punctuality. I have a huge problem with exact punctuality, especially when it involves me having to wake up at/before a certain time.

Kanina why can't we just have training at a later time... like at night or something?

Training was a killer. People who said it was maneagable were all LYING I tell you! Liars each and everyone of them! Stair climbing is not manageable. Attempting to sprint up 3 storeys of stairs 3 times, before doing push-ups in between another 3 sets of 3 storeys of stairs, is NOT manageable. Running the so-called sheltered way from Bizad through Law through Arts through Central Library through Yusof Ishak because of the ~heavy downpour~ DOESN'T make it manageable. There's NOTHING but stairs going up and up and up and who the fucking hell constructed NUS I swear if I find tt creep I'm going to chain him to a STAIRMASTER and make him climb stairs for the rest of his waking life!!! EARGH!!!!

And it didn't help tt breakfast this morning consisted of half a Nature Valley granola bar (other half was consumed the night before) which was infested with ants, a fact tt I only discovered after eating the whole bar and finding ants crawling out of the wrapper. Fuck. I spent the entire first half of training wondering how many live ants I was digesting in my stomach. Whoohoo. New diet and source of protein.

I suck lah...

After training Yirang discovered tt she lost her phone. And we all felt so sorry for her and really wanted to help her find it somehow, but the thing is there is just so fucking litle you can do. And when I see her look so down I just don't know what to do or say to her. I just hope she feels better.

And after tt and lunch I went to Law Lib (finally) to do my assignment. I don't know how those 4 hours passed so quickly with me doing jack. Fuck lah how am I going to complete my assignment? My whole next day is blown out with chalet and clubbing? *sigh sigh sigh*

On the upside, dinner + the free ride (yay!) and the great company was a major highlight. And when I came back to wash my clothes I put my stuff into the laundry... WITHOUT detergent. By the time I realised it was too late for me to take my clothes out. I SUCK LAH!!! *wails* Then the hall celebrated the birthday of Adrian, a senior who looked obviously inebriated tonight. He didn't get ponded tho. Oh well. I get confused by the undercurrents in hall conversation. Maybe coz I'm just so "out of it". Oh well.

Reminder: rewash clothes eargh!!!

1:28 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

"IF YOU CAN DODGE A WRENCH, YOU CAN DODGE A BALL.
IF YOU CAN DODGE A CAR, YOU CAN DODGE A BALL."

Oh no. First day of my mid-term study break - break TO study, and I make it my break FROM study. I tried to do my Company Law assignment today but I'm just hitting brick walls. I have no inspiration, I want to tear my hair out coz I can't seem to organise anything, I can't find anything online and I'm so consumed with buttlazyithis tt I can't seem to get my fat ass off my chair and drag it down to the library.

However, I CAN drag my ass all the way down to Orchard to meet my Home Team scholars. Or rather, Johnny, Debiao, Kailin, Ivan and Justin. We have lunch at Cineleisure food court (it's OPEN!!! Praise God! The original plan was Sakae sushi buffet nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *anything* but tt!!!) at 3.00pm (YES. LUNCH.), and then we adjourn to PS to watch Dodgeball.

No comments on Dodgeball. Don't feel like a review. Harold and Kumar's funnier, but Dodgeball is funny in a nice violent brainless laugh-at-everyone's-misery way. The usual American comedy.

After tt, it's off to Holland V for din-din with Kai: meatball spaghetti at NYDC and my Frosted Chocolate Malt craving satisfied at Swensen's... And Geox I found Nature Valley Granola Bars at Holland V's Cold Storage!!! Whoohoo! My long and painful search has cumilated in this... *ecstatic* I have my cinnamon and peanut butter bars now. So happy.

And after tt I go for a nice run with Jane! Going Phuture for certain on Wed. Promised like dunno how many people already! But gonna go late coz have chalet before tt. Oh, dammit, cannot restart on assignment.

Bah bah bah...

(note: incoherence of author is due to fact tt entry is being posted at 2.06am, with loud music in background, a lot of program windows open, and a general sense of irritation at self. Author is also disturbed by resemblence of 1 person to someone who used to trouble her. Eep. Not good. Must block out troubled thoughts.)

2:59 AM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

ANNOUNCEMENTS ANNOUNCEMENTS

{insert Monday at 12.50pm. Article of the day: ST Interactive - A Cruel Price for Enduring Freedom. Because it's good for us to know the truth about more things in life.)

Fuck. I need to get my butt off this chair and get back to my Company Law assignment. At this point in time I'm still reading the essays. Highly interesting but the sheer amount of words has taken on a spiders' legs-like visage.

Anyway just wanted to say:

1. I'm at home. For people who are asking, I'm sorry. I like my bed at home a little better. Will be back tomorrow. James: breakfast at Macs this week?
2. I went to collect my race pack for the AHM next Sun. As I examine the race route again I wonder with increasing hysteria why the bloody hell I signed up for a 21km route tt flags off at 5.45am in the morning.
3. For those who have been asking, don't trust everything you read in the Straits Times. Pinch of salt *always* required. BBC news is a more worthy source, unless you want Singapore-only events. And oh yes, YaleGlobal is both informative, objective and well-written. People who want something different should have a look. I love tt site.
4. Need gym/swim and run khaki this week. Resolve...is...low... And I must be able to run 21km by Sun!!!
5. Phuture on Wed. (??)
6. Join dragonboat pls. It's fun. Really.
7. For the chalet thing should I bring my Bailey's along too?
8. NUS Dive Club - NAUI Scuba Diver Course (Basic Open Water) = $375. Dive Trips after certification = $300 +++. Getting a diving licence = priceless. There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's... UH...--
9. NUS Rovers Club - December: 13 Day North Vietname Trekking & Kayaking Adventure Trip. Departs 4 December. Approx $1645... Who wants to go?!
10. Melissa!!! I am saving my tenth earhole for you! When are we piercing???

Now back to Company Law. If I got you thinking, I've achieved my objective.

12:17 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

IF YOU TOLERATE THIS, THEN YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE NEXT

Cue the Manic Street Preachers.

I'm feeling better today, thanks to 3 different types of medication, a good night's rest and my mom's famous mee sua with red rice wine soup. Yum. One thing I love about my parents is how we can have lively spirited discussions about politics and society. I'm hard-pressed to find people on my level that can actually hold a conversation like tt with me without :
a) going totally blank and getting the 'idiot look' when I mention a Shamungam policy
b) telling me how much they support the PAP and what a wonderful job LKY and his son is doing
c) changing the subject to something more interesting... like SHOPPING! "ooh. did see tt new bag at XXXXXX? it's so gorgeous! omg I think I need to get my nails and hair done..." And then I just end up wishing somebody would just *shoot* me.

So today it started out from a Sex and The City ad. My dad is more addicted to the show than I am. He doesn't understand why the bloody Singapore government (okay, to my parents, the whole freaking show is run by the Singapore government) had the series banned for 6 years. I told him tt it was because the people sitting on the bodies of the relavnt boards were all anal-retentive prudes, just as the people who have nothing to do with their time except write complaint letters to the Straits Times Forum or some other half-baked biased medium were equally puritanical stuck-in-their-perfect-world type morons.

I hate this whole substance vs. form thing tt permeates our society more than any other society. Let's face it. Every society has its own demons. Every society has its fair share of sex, drugs, crime etc etc etc, and for some reason or other Singapore tends to want to cover this up more than any other country. We are not perfect. Just because the more eloquent of us happen to come from schools where jack ever happens or families tt are picture-perfect, doesn't mean tt we have to pretend tt the rest of the world is as flowery and as pink as our own little heavens. It's so fucking hypocritically disgusting tt is why for tt very reason I have a particular revulsion for people like these.

My dad was asking about Sheik Haikel and tt comment he made on national radio. And when I told him he was like "That's nothing what." Exactly. Rude? Maybe? Distasteful? Maybe. But for God's sake when you make a bigger issue out of everything by complaining than anything else would have done, is tt ironic or is tt ironic? Are Singaporeans so small-minded tt we have to resort to complaining about the most ridiculous pieces of shit instead of opening our eyes and shutting our mouths for once?

I said I was angry at the state of my generation. Ironically I am a part of this generation, and I am knowingly experiencing and going through the same things as everyone else, and it irks me even more that I have the previlege of awareness but none of the balls of change.

Look at us. We are a self-centred bunch. Our lives revolve around ourselves. Our image, our looks, our weight, our fun activities like shopping, movies, lunches at Sakae or Big Os or NYDC or any other teen hangout. Our knowledge is limited to what bands and what music and what movies and what soccer teams are worth betting on, and our friends are people just like ourselves. So maybe friends are important and valuable, but then why is it tt half of those people we think are our friends like to make snide comments or talk about us behind our backs or be complete bitches and bastards and the next day still treat us like their best buds? And why is it tt we are so caught up with our own personal heavens tt somehow for many of us our families get relegated to the bottom rung of the ladder. Somehow it doesn't strike us how much we mean to our parents who mean so little to us. Sometimes it doesn't strike us how much one call means to them and how little it means to us.

We are a product of our environment, the dis-enfranchised youth. Our education system is shit. We can produce some of the so-called best brains, most brilliant people in the world. Oh yeah, sure. We are fantastic at maths, at calculating, and even better at regurgitating and memorising. Our system places so much emphasis on exams and grades tt we commit suicide if we don't do well enough. We don't care about the value of what we learn - *gasp* you mean there is VALUE in what we learn?! -, we just want more topics taken out of our syllabus so we can cram better for our exams. Is there even an intrinsic value in what we learn? How do we go through almost a quarter of our lives in school, and still behave like bullies at a playground? Education teaches us social etiquette, how to behave, how to present ourselves, but somehow we are seemingly deprived of the morals and values which are tt much more important. We have the innate capacity to reason - at least I think we do - but somehow some of us don't seem to use it.

For girls at least, bimbo-ism is in. You can be a complete bimbo outside of class and it doesn't matter if you get an A for your exams. But personally I think it does, because I would think more of a person who spends at least half her time thinking and reasoning about things in life, rather than just 3 hours about the things in her exam paper.

We are exposed to so much. Our friends, our society. Are pursuit of material things. People, esp the government, blame it on the influx of Western values. Western media. What is good and what is not. But seriously, in the first place Western media is 10, 000 more watcheable than the crap on those Chinese drama serials. I believe that an over-exposure to the chinese drama serials on Channel 8 actually has a capacity to make us more stupid. It's the same plots, same actors, same lines and same bags of tears re-used over and over and over. Somebody just throttle me to death before I kill myself just trying to survive another episode of something like this. You're wasting my time and my money and killing my brain cells for me. Honestly, shows like CSI or Nip/Tuck and movies like Eternal Sunshine are a hell of a lot more worth watching.

The thing is obviously if we are exposed to so much influence, we will behave like tt as well. And especially because our friends and acquaintances are going to want to behave like tt as well, and chances are most of us will conform because if we don't, we get picked on, ostracised and bitched about for being different. Honestly, I don't think Mirscha Barton is pretty. I think she has gorgeous eyes, but too big eyes on tt small a face makes her look like an extra out of ET, and it doesn't help tt she's built like a skeleton. But obviously I know so many people who drool about either a) having a gf like her; or b) looking like her (honestly, you really want to look like an extra out of ET?!), tt if I actually said anything I'd have a couple hundred spears being thrown at me. Why? Coz I say something different.

What I am trying to say is not so much tt the media is putting out very negative influences for us, although tt is the case. Yes, the media is glorifying underweight girls. I heard tt tt Belinda Lee person is super-thin, and I've heard from some girls who've seen her in person how much they want to be as thin as her. And I will tell you now. Okay, no, I don't think I am thin. I know I have massive arms and am damn heavy. But at least I'm healthy. And I'd rather be healthy than stick-thin, underweight and starving myself like Beyonce (I will not survive on 1 lettuce leaf for lunch just to look like her, don't be stupid). But seriously, Belinda Lee is *too thin*. So is Denise Keller, for tt matter. So they're both hot. So they're both models. But you don't *need* to look to look like them. Have some individuality. Be happy with yourself. Look at Catherine Zeta-Jones. She's big, but *so* sexy.

But what I am trying to say is tt, the problem lies with us. We are supposed to have reasoning facilities tt allow us to exercise our freedom of choice, but NO... it's a lot easier to just accept. If Lindsay Lohan can get a boob job, then a boob job is not a bad thing, it's a good thing. If I have to have a BMI of 17 to be hot and sexy the way Beyonce is, then I'll just not eat for a month and see how tt works out.

Oh yeah. Great idea. I totally support you. And if your plan succeeds, I'll come and cry at your funeral 2 weeks from now too.

We're not thinking. We're not deciding enough for ourselves what's good for us and what isn't. Don't condemn the media for their warped morales. It's up to you to decide what is right or wrong for you, and if you can't do tt, then don't blame anyone but yourself.

And lastly, there is politics. No one seems to want to speak up. The assumption tt there are no avenues has been shot down because there are. It just depends on how badly we want to use them. The problem is tt so many of us are so involved in our own lives tt we either a) don't know or b) don't care. How many of us bother to read the newspapers? A lot of the people who do read them beacause some module or other requires tt they do.

Must it be required by the education system? Why can't it be your own interest in the world tt goes on around you?

Very few people know about or care about the government or its implemented policies. Some people haven't even heard of Vivian Balakrishnan, let alone his history or what he's had to say in Parliament or to the press so far. I've had people tell me tt all is well and good with the world and tt the government is doing a great job and we should support them as we always have. OMG. You're putting all your trust in the government to do everything for us without wondering, without questioning? At all?

My mom believes it's because we've been controlled, suppressed, made to think a certain way for so long tt it's just a second nature to be apathetic to our country and not care. If we speak up, we can't change anything, so why bother? Does this all date back to LKY's early policies of control, law and order, everything in the interests of national security? I admit, I blame him partly for the reason why we're the bunch of people we are. What worked in the 1960s doesn't apply here, and I'm glad tt reforms are being made to encourage creativity and diversity in a way tt should have been encouraged 20 years ago, and not just after the 1998 Economic Crash which left 5-6% of Singapore jobless and the government with a lot to answer for the reason of structural unemployment.

My point is: you can't place all your trust in the government. It is not God, even if it thinks it is. You can't let the government handle everything for you just because it's the easiest thing for you to do. If you can't do anything, at least *know* something. And even if you're bitter tt you can't say as much as you want to say for various reasons (like myself), still knowing and analysing is an interest, and it is ultimately tt interest tt will make your life more meaningful for you.

I would like to say tt my life has meaning for me because I know things beyond myself and I have dreams and ambitions tt I hope will impact more than those around myself. My dream is not to make a lot of money and retire by 40. It's not to live in a mansion in Bukit Timah with a red sports car, a dog, a gorgeous husband and 3 kids. Of course I'd love the whole package, but tt's not the end-all of my life. I want to make some kind of difference. I want to be remembered when I die for all the right reasons.

And I want my children to be like me, thinking, reasoning, big-minded people with a mind to see beyond themselves and the little things tt their lives revolve around.

3:31 PM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

SICK TO MY STOMACH. LITERALLY.

The fact tt I get sick only 2 times a year (unless it's a result of extreme stress) is something I would proudly proclaim to people. But then this sickness only related to fever/temperature-rising type illnesses. It doesn't have anything to do with stuff like headaches or stomach-related attacks, of which I get A LOT.

But the ultimate has to be today. I've learnt tt it's possible to have gastritis so bad tt it lasts for 18 hours (and counting). Coz as of 3am last night I've been spending my sleep-time waking up coz of the discomfort and forcing myself to go back to sleep again so many times tt finally I even got a headache. And at 6am I threw up... water.

Sucks like hell. It's not stomach-cramps type painful, but it's highly fucking uncomfortable. The whole day, even now, there's just so much gas in my stomach tt the feeling of the pressure exerted on my insides is making me feel like throwing up constantly, and it doesn't help tt I can't seem to bloody fucking ignore it coz my hands are shaking uncontrollably and I feel so bloody weak.

Ugh. So finally I decided with great reluctance tt I couldn't go for training. I was really hoping for tt today coz I really realy miss water training and rowing and tt's what I look forward to most every week, but kanina I'm fucking sick and I can't even stand or walk around for a long enough period tt I just can't deceive myself into thinking I can row for 2 hours and run after tt.

Argh. So I make tt decision not to go and tell my parents, and they're like: "That's good. Now we don't have to rush for lunch. We can go anywhere to eat appetising food." Uh. Firstly, I don't think I'm well enough to last long car rides. Secondly I'm not in the mood for appetising. I just want something tt will stop the build up of gases in my stomach.

But anyway I tahan for as long as I can in the car while we drive off to dunno-where, and ten minutes away from the venue I happily throw up.

All I've been doing since then is psycho-ing myself to keep all the food I eat down. I tried to be strong and sleep off the gastritis but it has *so* not worked. Woke up this evening with the same bloody discomfort, and I think I am going to take medication after all coz I don't want this bloody feeling to last till tomorrow.

Argh. Right now I wish I could rip out my stomach from my body and put it somewhere. This sucks, feeling like this.

On another note: when I'm feeling a lot better (i.e. when I don't feel like throwing up anymore and when the gases in my stomach stop their fucking expansion process), I wanna eat mee sua soup again. I like the one at the NUS Arts Canteen with the minced meat and mushrooms actually.

On another another note: I like the Army advert on Will's blog tt says "Not for fame. Not for fortune. Then for f**k?"

Uh. Feel like throwing up again. Bye bye.

10:34 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

(A) PE(A)CE OF (MY) MIND

Peace of mind or a piece of my mind? I don't know, honestly, coz right now I'm feeling very mixed. Am currently at home checking email and doing mass printing. I'm so amused at the email I'm reading tt it's not even funny anymore. I don't see why we even bother organising all these group outings to "meet up" once a year and to "rekindle" what ever is left of our friendship, if there was even one to begin with, when literally everyone cannot make it for some reason or other. Which includes driving, staying home to care for baby brother, going out with gf, etc etc etc.

Let's face it, 1 thing I learnt today in my Company Law tutorial - which went 1/2 an hour over time - is tt if you really want to do something, you can damn well fucking do it. That is why judges are reluctant to allow miscreant directors who breach their fiduciary duties by abusing their powers to give the excuse tt they did so because the company lacked (financial) resources and they were working for the good of the company.

Fuck tt (ok, so my tutor didn't say this but she might as well could have). If the company wants to get an asset or takeover another company badly enough, it will go ALL OUT to get what it wants. So applying it to the human race (altho there obviously isn't a need to coz it's an age-old thing), same thing. Let's face it, you don't really want to meet up. "Another time?" "See you later?" Please baby they're fucking leaving in less than 1 week. So cut the hypocritical friendship want-to-meet-up act. I've been seeing so much wayang shit I'm so fucking jaded already.

Okay. Rant over. I want to go Phuture next Wed but I have dragonboat chalet. PLEASE can I leave after dinner so I can mambo? Please Please PLEASE? I'll be a real good girl after tt! (in any case after mid-terms I doubt I'll have the chance again *bites nails in horror*)

Today I satisfied my craving for Sakae Sushi. I also met up with Yuwei 1 last time before December. It feels like such a long while, but I know I didn't utilise my time with her because:

a) I was fucking hungry coz I didn't eat lunch and I was only eating at 4.30pm
b) I was in a fucking pissed off bad mood. But it dissapated with food and her friendship (and the apology helped a lot). Hope you're not still guilty girl, coz I'm not angry anymore. Hey, look on the bright side, at least I was able to tell you I was angry instead of boiling in silence. Muahaha. Oh, and I love you still.

One thing tt strikes me is tt we never make plans to meet up till friends are about to leave. Like this whole 4 months she was in Singapore, and we never met up more than 5 times at most, until she's about to leave. Same with Hsien and Mark and whoever else I've met. Similarly, I never meet up with my *Singapore* friends in NTU/NS until these UK/US people return from their respective countries and we have these reminiscing class re-gatherings. It's sad. It's almost hypocritical. I'd say there's a highly fucked up quality about this. I know I have myself to blame partly coz I could have made more effort to meet up with them more when I had the chance. But it seems like some fucked up fact of the world. You ALWAYS take people for granted till they're never there anymore.

My dad's been sick the whole week. He called me up on Monday and told me he was going to die. My mom's been driven up the wall by his whining ever since. I love my parents to death, but let's just say my dad needs A LOT of TLC, loves attention and is a bit of a hypochondriac, whereas my mom is more like the strong silent type. And my mom is like me in the respect tt the more you want us to pamper you, the more we'll ignore you. So as a result he's driven her nuts. When I came home tonight and spoke to her privately she had this slightly wild, desperate look in her eyes and told me tt he was driving her into a depression. And my dad keeps saying "Your mom doesn't understand me. Wait till I die then you know."

If you've been wondering why I've turned out the way I have, welcome to the Tan family.

Nonetheless, yes, I love my parents to death. And yes, I am a lot like them.

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

Besides tt, Resident Evil: Apocalypse is coming out in 2 weeks time. And New Police Story is coming out next week. How exciting. Fuck. But I have 3 assignments tt I haven't even fucking started on, and just as bad, Army-Half Marathon in 2 weeks. I'm fucking screwed.

But would like to share a couple of things with everyone anyway. Just random Words of Wisdom taken from various sources tt I hope to remember and live by:

1. Everything is the same, even if it's different. (from the movie "I *Heart* Huckabees")

2. Loneliness is the source of emptiness.( paraphrasedfrom Our Daily Bread. "God made us for intimacy and companionship with others. Even before sin entered the world, He declared that it is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). That's why many people often feel so empty inside.")

3. Ask not what your friends can do for you, but what *you* can do for your friends. (bastardised from Winston Churchill. Basically it means tt instead of wondering why your friends don't seem to be valuing you the way you wish they would, you should take the initiative and show them tt you care first. Because tt's all you have the capacity to do, anyway.)

4. It doesn't matter how rich you are, who you are (or who your daddy or mommy is), how hot or sexy or gorgeous you look, where you stay and what car you drive, how "in" you are and where you club on Weds and/or Fris, intellectual you are, what IQ you have or how you did on your SATs and/or exams etc...

Because if you can't respect people, if you can't give them the minimum face we give another human being, then you're nothing. You really are nothing. (taken from Sharada's blog. Beautiful stuff. Stuff I think *I* need a lesson in.)

P.S. On a totally unrelated note, I *hate* browsing blogs with background music. Because my playlist is *always* on whenever my comp is on, and not only is the double-layer of songs *highly* *fucking* irritating, but 9 out of 10 times my playlist is playing a tune 10, 000 better than the one on that blog itself. This is also why for this reason I keep my blog completely tuneless. I try not to subject people to my own audio-sensory pain.

11:19 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

MOVIES I WANT TO WATCH:

1. Garden State (watch the trailer. it gives me goosebumps every time.)
2. Enduring Love (the movie version based on the book by Ian McEwan) -
"obsession is forever"
3. Alfie
4. When Will I Be Loved - "you can have everything you want, except the one thing you need"
5. Team America: World Police (from the creators of South Park)
6. Shall We Dance? (ballroom dancing, hot latin moves, and J.Lo. what more can you ask for?)
7. The Motorcycle Diaries (the early life of Che Guerrero, as taken from his memoirs) - "let the world change you, and you can change the world"
8. Taxi (Jimmy Fallon; Queen Latifah. If you can laugh during the trailer, how do you think the movie will be like?)
9. Blade Trinity (vampires, action, cool music and gadgets. oh yeah.)
10. Resident Evil: Apocalypse. (because "my name is Alice... and I remember everything.")
11. New Police Story (Jackie Chan. Nic Tse. don't ask.)
12. Meet The Fockers. ('nuff said.)
13. Alexander (Colin Farell and Angelina Jolie. Ooh.)
14. Batman Begins.

...the thing is... NONE of these movies are out yet. Aiyah...

11:35 AM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

...just ate 3 big cookies from Pepperidge Farm. You know, the ones with the white chocolate and macadamia nut chunks tt taste like heaven but whop more calories than a full meal?

guess this satisfies it. i'm fatter but happier.

3:00 AM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

just a message: if you think something is wrong with
a) me
b) my relationship with me

call me on my phone or drop me an SMS.
ask to meet up. lunch dinner coffee or beer, it's all good.

don't say nothing. don't leave mass messages and hope i'll read between the lines. don't talk bad about me behind my back and think i won't know because i am a very sensitive person and i can infer a lot more things than you think.

just a note.

1:08 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

IF THERE WAS ONE THING I COULD CHANGE ABOUT MYSELF...

Perfectionism would be it.

I wish I wasn't such a perfectionist. I wish I didn't keep placing such fucking ridiculously high standards on myself. I wish I would just stop trying to do everything and do everything well, and accomodate everyone and make everyone happy.

You know, you were right. I care too much what people think. I live too much for others and not for myself. I wish I could just cut myself a lot of slack. It saves a lot of self-directed pain, anger, guilt, and stops me from doing stupid things in bids to escape my own self-loathing, hence embarking on a cycle of self-destruction.

I hate loathing myself just because I couldn't do something well enough. I need to learn to let go, but again I seem to have lost tt capacity to. I seem to have lost the capacity for a lot of things, and tt seriously fucks me up.

I don't know why I'm so angry right now. It's with myself and with the people around me. It's the little things tt they have or have not done, but although it's not substantial reason for me to feel this sense of revulsion, I guess logically speaking it all adds up.

Right now I wish I could be like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho and just get rid of all the sources of my negative energy by exterminating them, but unfortunately they happen to be the people I love and I suppose once I do tt I'll just feel 10, 000 times worse.

Okay, maybe I should just give myself some down time and relax and listen to happy no-brainer music and stay by myself until my loathing (both self and others-directed) subsides.


...

too many layers, too many pretensions, i don't know whether to trust what you say anymore.

why do you always ask where i am? understand tt you care but it just gets on my nerves again and again. and bugging. and everything. and i know i shouldn't give a fuck coz no one else does, but i can't help it coz i know how much i mean to you, and i wish you could just mean more to me.

why do you seek to question me and rule my life? it's happened again for the god knows how manyeth fucking time. you've gone and blown things way out of fucking proportion. and while it got so bad once i feel strangely detached. have i really changed? i guess. i think i have. for better or worse? i don't know. what i do know is tt i am in control of my life. i am not bouncing off the walls or screwing things up. i am not listening to people's advice and taking it all blindly. i reason, i rationalise, and i follow what i accept. i don't follow everything for the simple reason tt i am not you and i don't intend to be you, nor do i agree with everything you do. funny how of all the friends who know, you're the one who took things the most personally.

i hate myself. at this point in time, i hate myself. so i'll say it a couple hundred times more over. i hate myself. i hate the way i look. i am fat and ugly. i hate tt i'm not smart enough, tt i don't seem to have the discipline to study hard enough. i hate the fact tt i am so unfit. i can't run fast or far and training always kills me. i hate my social skills. i have none. i am a sad outcast misfit with no friends and i don't know how to make any. and all my current friends are half-baked. like me.

i hate myself. i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.

11:54 PM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

BLIND MAN'S MUSICAL CHAIRS

Just came back from Phuture. Okay, correction: came back from Phuture, bathed and did laundry. I should *so* be sleeping now. It's almost 4-fucking-30am and I have a lecture at 9am tomorrow, my Prop Law tut as well as *training*.

But anyway, on to my short entry. Yes yes yes, I went Phuture. Big deal. I haven't gone since fucking *July* which fucking kills me. So tonight I went with Jane and Sam. Of course, before clubbing I will shower. And the problem with tt is tt I wash my face with this anti-acne facial foam tt I have.

So happily, soap gets into my eye. Fuck. Anti-acne facial foam in my eyes hurts like hell. I wash it out with water until I think it's okay.

So for the rest of the entire fucking night I am tearing. It looks like my left eye is crying, and tho it isn't painful it's damn fucking uncomfortable. My mascara is running, my eye is swollen and red, and I'm so fucking pissed off with the tears I have to wipe away while dancing. WTF?

As of 1.30am 1 of my contact lenses is now on the floor of Phuture. I gave up on the fucking thing.

Besides being blind, another thing about tonight is how Musical-chairish Phuture is. Coz it's currently NTU's mid-term break, the place is swarming with NTU people. That's totally ok, except tt I think NTU guys are seriously desperate. Within the space of 1 night (and I'm talking from 1 am to 3 am coz Jane, Sam and I only made it to the club around 12.15am and by the time we got our drinks and moved through to Phuture's DJ console it was about 1am), 5 guys danced behind me... one at a time. I don't know how they do it. First it's this guy in blue, then red, then white, then dark purple, then red again. And we were moving (away) so much it was crazy.

But anyway those are just the downsides. Other than tt, Phuture was helluva enjoyable. Firstly I was with Sam and Jane, and tonight's Girls' Night Out with them was absolutely fun! I love Sam's red tube. She looks really hot tonight (then again Jane *always* looks hot too). The hair's gorgeous.

Secondly, all I needed to loosen up was 1 Flaming Lambo. Nice. Didn't get drunk, certainly didn't get high, but was relaxed enough. Relaxed is good.

Thirdly, the music was great. Maybe it's coz we didn't come for so long so it didn't seem so static. Maybe it's coz we came later, and the later night music always sounds better. Maybe we were just excited. Hey, the company and the crowd were good after all. Really helped the atmosphere.

Fourthly, I got uh... picked up 5 times. Okay, unofficially. Officially it was only twive. But the thing is one of the most fun things about singlehood is tt you can flirt like hell absolutely guilt-free. I love dancing and I love the attention, I'll admit. So it was pretty great.

Except the second guy in red was a bit of a miscomm. He was wearing a beanie and behaving really flamboyantly, and coz he reminded me so much of someone, I was laughing at his antics. And the thing was he took it to mean I was attracted to him. I was like "Shit! No!" And I was trying to avoid having to dance with him by trying to drag Jane to the toilet, but they were playing In The Club and she didn't want to leave.

Fortunately I think he got the hint. Must have been the desperate way my hands were gripping Jane's arms really tightly and I was trying my best to squirm away from him.

And then the fifth guy was the ultimate. Once the lights came on I left with Jane and Sam quickly. But as we were walking towards BP to get a drink he came up behind me suddenly and wanted to talk to me. But the truth is (and I told him) that I was not interested. At all. No propositions. I like the fun of clubbing and dancing, but not anything else.

Oh well. So half-blind and sufficiently happy with even achier calves, I came back here. So tired now but my hair is still wet. Dammit I hope I can wake up in time tomorrow. *crosses fingers*

5:35 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

"ON THESE BOATS

RIDE THE HOPES OF

WORKING CLASS BOYS"

"....dreaming of girls from faraway points

and better things

like winter flings

and longing after spring has sprung

they fly north when winter's done

and we get burned in summer's sun"

This is my fave part of this song 'Songbirds and Townies' by a band known as

Further Seems Forever. Which not tt many people will know probably coz its songs

may not find its way to radio. 

Oh well.

Anyway a bit on a blog about my day.

The day. Let's see... I woke up bright and early for my lecture - and as usual to fall

asleep during the damn thing. Fuck I think my lecturer looks like he belongs on an

all-male performing ballet troupe.

So I shelve my plans to go to the infamous Law-freeze-library and come back to crash

and get some Prop and Company done. Ooooooo-kay.

Guess what? I watch 2 movies instead: Zoolander and American Psycho.

Both are pretty good in their own ways, and I really recommend you watch the former if  

you like movies tt allow you to leave your brain at the door and just laugh your way

through Ben Stiller's 'Magnum's and 'Blue Steel's, and the latter if you like psychological

thrillers or just fascinating yet disturbing pieces which are incredibly dressed up.



But yes, so much for sleep and study. I mean, in between tt and downloading some

songs off Garden State - like tt Iron and Wine cover of 'Such Great Heights' and

Coldplay's Don't Panic and both The Shins' songs (so exciting!!! I cannot *wait* for

the movie to come out!), I got my Prop Law tut done. Admittedly quite shoddily and

without reading my Binions v Evans and other assorted cases, but it's a START!



And after tt I dragged my lazy butt - with incredibly achy calf muscles (what the HELL

have I been doing) to training, and then dinner with my team mates. KWAY CHUP!

KWAY CHUP! With the intestines and tau kwa! I LOVE kway chup! Altho admittedly

Melissa wasn't amused by the taste of the intestine she tried. Muahaha.

Cheer up babe. Want you to know tt I love you.

After tt it's grocery shopping with Geox , and lotsa lotsa yoghurt and juice for me! Yippee!

I have even more comfort food now. That is cold.

And then I walk through the door of my room when I reply this message from

Shaocong telling me he'd been thinking of asking me out for a jog, and I ask "When

and where?"

Next thing I know he's calling me and asking me how long it takes for me to change

into running gear.

Well. Considering tt even my SOCKS were still on, less than 1 minute (but I told him

5).

And so we endeavor, me with full slightly indigested stomach (must be the intestines!)

and achy calf muscles, to jog 1 round round NUS. We give up once he starts intro-ing

me to some of the songs on his iPod, like another Iron and WIne song called "Naked

as we came", which I kind of like. Very Simon and Garfunkel. There were other

guys like Ryan Adams and a uh... Gary Jill (or something like tt) who did covers of

Wonderwall and Mad World, but tt guy didn't grow on me so much. I think I have a

slight bias against covers. Oh well.

So FINALLY we get back to my hall, watch MORE game trailers off gametrailers.com

(not tt I don't do enough on my own already!!!), such tt now I want to try Devil May

Cry as well (Ugh!!!) , and then when he leaves I get to vaccuum my room and do

my laundry and other miscellaneous house-keeping stuff.



And now it's 1.20am already and I haven't done very much work-wise and I think I'm

kind of fucked. But I can't wait for Big Os and yummy chocolate and cheese cake

tomorrow.

SNOWBIRDS AND TOWNIES

 - by Further Seems Forever

fountains and florescent lights

the season has come

the snowbirds are crowding the nights.

the townies are tired of their beaches and bars

being packed so tight

the bridges and traffic and in this selecting their flight.



and on these boats

ride the hopes of...

working class boys, dreaming of girls from faraway points

and better things

like winter flings

and longing after spring has sprung

and they fly north when winter's done

and we get burned in summer's sun



fountains and florescent lights

the season has come

the snowbirds are crowding the nights.

townies and tourists find unlikely love at first sight

and swear that they're never leaving,

and that is their plight



and on these boats

ride the hopes of...

working class boys, dreaming of girls from faraway points

and better things

like winter flings

and longing after spring has sprung

they fly north when winter's done

and we get burned in summer's sun



this winter is lasting forever

at least for tonight

and i know that you're never leaving

until your flight takes you off

and out of my arms

and into the air

so far from your charms

that I cannot bear

another year

in this long forgotten beach town we once shared



and this winter is lasting forever

at least for tonight

and i know that you're never leaving,

never leaving me again



not again

2:20 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

American Psycho is a movie tt I think is psychologically brilliant. You get into the mind and daily life of a sociopath who's young, rich, classy, good-looking, great body, has everything going for him, and in his free time, outside of wining and dining and working at his classy firm and exercising and going for spas, facials and salons, in between social life and girlfriend and all the kiss asses tt surround him, he finds the time to go out at night and kill people. Wear his classic black leather gloves and stab a homeless man to death. Play a Huey Lewis song and chop up his colleague with an axe.

And all this time as you know, he talks to you. You're the voice in his head. And he tells you how he doesn't identify with the human race. He doesn't understand the human race. He is human himself, all flesh and blood, but other human beings fill him with disgust.

And somehow as he monologues to you how he thinks and feels, you understand him.

Even more scary, you relate to him.

In fact, you are damn sure tt if you had a heart just tt bit harder and a disgust just tt little bit greater (okay, NONE of tt narcisissm tho), you might actually find the notion of murder a little more than just fascinating.

4:55 PM - 2 eprops - 3 comments - email it

Of all the movies that I want to watch this year, the one I *really* am dying to see is this film called Garden State. Because it looks like another Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, another non-main stream deep yet quirky movie tt will bring a smile to my face, tears to my eyes, and the lingering thought tt I won't be wasting my money coz I'll be taking some part of that film home with me.

And besides tt, Garden State has an amazing soundtrack.

1. Don't Panic - Coldplay
2. Caring Is Creepy - The Shins
3. In The Waiting Line - Zero 7
4. New Slang - The Shins
5. I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You - Colin Hay
6. Blue Eyes - Cary Brothers
7. Fair - Remy Zero
8. One Of These Things First - Nick Drake
9. Lebanese Blonde - Thievery Corporation
10. The Only Living Boy In New York - Simon & Garfunkel
11. Such Great Heights - Iron and Wine (the original version of this song was done by The Postal Service, a band which I happen to like a lot)
12. Let Go - Frou Frou
13. Winding Road - Bonnie Somerville

SUCH GREAT HEIGHTS
- by The Postal Service

I am thinking it's a sign

that the freckles in our eyes

are mirror images

and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.



And I have to speculate

that God Himself did make

us into corresponding shapes

like puzzle pieces from the clay.



And true it may seem like a stretch

but it's thoughts like this that catch

my troubled head when you're away

and when I am missing you to death.



And when you are out there on the road

for several weeks of shows

and when you scan the radio

I hope this song will guide you home.



they will see us waving from such great heights

"come down now" they'll say

but everything looks perfect from far away

"come down now" but we'll stay



I tried my best to leave

this all on your machine

but the persistent beat

it sounded thin upon the sending.



and that frankly will not fly

you'll hear the shrillest highs

and lowest lows with the windows down

and this is guiding you home.



they will see us waving from such great heights

"come down now" they'll say

but everything looks perfect from far away

"come down now" but we'll stay



they will see us waving from such great heights

"come down now" they'll say

but everything looks perfect from far away

"come down now" but we'll stay



they will see us waving from such great heights

"come down now" they'll say

but everything looks perfect from far away





"come down now" but we'll stay

1:01 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

I want a Frosted Chocolate Malt from Swensen's now Now NOW!!!

2:20 AM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

BECAUSE YOU ASKED *wink*

For Sue. :)



...my gorgeous new white skirt. To be worn with black/white tops. :)



...and my new comfy yet classic black heels. Was to be worn with jeans and stuff but I think it will suit the new skirt purrrfectly. :)

Me is a happy girl.

...

Speaking of which, since I took the photos of the goodbuys at various points of my room, decided to give you a little sneak peek into what else there is.

First of all there is my blue pin-up notice board, where my collection of the drawings I used to do.

Above is my 5-day schedule which allows me to plan in appointments and stuff in my free time (which is currently gone to the dogs), accompanied by one of my sketches. On the right is another piece of paper with more experimental sketches. I'm still pretty rusty from not drawing for years, but I think with practice I'll get the hang of it. Buaya Week was just a start for the return to drawing for me. And it helps destress me. Yay.



And above is my snack shelf. It's a bit depleted coz 2 Strawberry Pocky's, 1 chocolate Yan Yan, 1 box of Meiji chocolate, 1 Kinder Bueno, 3 packets of Cheese Combos and 1 packet of Knowles mushroom soup is missing, but yet, I have enough food to last me through a mini-war! Okay, maybe a 2 day war. But STILL. My legendary white bowl/cup is missing from the shelf (it's a cup tt's the size of a bowl. Perfect for soup and everything). But yes, tt is real Bailey's. Rem in June I happily took a photo of mommy and baby Bailey. Yes, I've cruelly separated mommy Bailey from her baby and brought her here. As of right now all I need are:

1. shot glasses.
2. drinking buddies.

And we can get a party started already.

Oops. I think I better get back to Licences soon. Party during the 1 week break, consider? :) All we need now are Ben and Jerry's. Tubs and tubs and tubs.

1:27 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

(RETAIL) THERAPY

Okay, I needed it, so I got it. Therapy.

Surprise surprise. Woke up this morning on time for lecture. Actually it was more thanks to my hallmate than my alarm clock, coz she was the one who effectively got me jumping out of bed. Yay! Thankz! :)

And then lecture actually went ok coz I could alternate between hastily typing out stuff, downloading cases off Lexis, and playing Bush Shoot-out from addictinggames.com. Muahaha. And after lecture I had a two hour Bridge session with Joanna, Joanne, Clarissa and Mario, which played out like a smart/strategic yet incredibly bimbo thing. Everyone's a bimbo. And now I can call myself IsoBim if I wanted to.

Trial Advo on the other hand... is strange. Okay, admittedly I fell asleepright infront of Lim Lei Theng, which was horrific coz I *knew* she knew I was sleeping but I *really* couldn't help myself goddammit. Argh.

After tt, met Marky-Mark at the Heeren. Had so-called 'tea' of deep-fried calamari and cheese knacker sausages with mashed potato, decent (ok, not as decent as the Rice Table one but ever bit as precious) conversation and happy shopping experience. Although admittedly it was more my perverse nature than any real need, to drag Mark to shops like Basic Beauty and PK Computer and adidas and Flash n Splash. Altho I was looking for tt Billabong laptop cover tt I wanted. Dammit they don't have it tho. Oh well.

And so we walked from Heeren to Taka with me filling his ears and head with whatever new-fangled ideas I had in it, and I succumbed to temptation and bought another pair of flip-flops from Royal Sporting House. At 6pm we met Hsien and then both of us had dinner at Nooch, me with spicy minced meat ramen and Hsien with her salmon avocado salad and all. The agedashi tofu tt was ordered and was 'cooking' the entire time we were there never came, so we shared the mango and glutinous rice dissert instead, talked some more, and went shopping.

This time while looking for my lappie cover, I got myself yet another pair of sandals - black heels this time, and this incredibly gorgeous whit skirt with huge black flowers. I love it I love it I love it. It was quite an impulse splurge but I don't think it's something I regret. Swear it matches the heels.

So retail therapy, 2 of my closest friends, and really good food, has done a lot to make me feel a million times better. Oh no, and Friends has ended forever and ever and ever! :( But I managed to catch the last of the lastest episode! Go me!!! :)

Quote of the night: "There is no left falangee."

11:32 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

...and i just wish tt i could tell my parents right now face-to-face how much i love them and how sorry i am tt i can't be an even better daughter, but i'm not even at home anymore. fuck.

10:22 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

THE END IS THE BEGINNING IS THE END

Smashing Pumpkins has a song by this title. I liked tt song coz of this title. Have decided to close the subject on how humanity sucks. Not because I've seen the light and decided tt it's not as bad as I imagine and tt we can change people, but because my own whinyness is irritating the hell out of me.

So subject closed. Just excuse me if from now my tone towards things is a little different.

So anyway well, 1 week is over. Or rather yet another hell week has ended, but another one is beginning soon. Ignoring all the fucking crap tt this whole week/weekend has thrown at me, it's otherwise been pretty good. Dragonboat training, though very tiring, never fails to lift my spirits. Have realised tt I am not a bad a rower as I thought. And parents have returned. Is good to see them again, even if my mood all week has been horrible.

Am irritated. But already said I wasn't going to delve into tt subject, so I'm leaving it.

Change of subject.

Oh. Interjection. Since I am in such an irritable mood, am particularly intolerant of cutesy girly behaviour. If I hear another "so cute, so cute!", another purr or "aw" or if someone else tells me to stop being so mean and cynical and look at the beauty of life, I will do something really really mean. So just a warning. If you belong in any of the above categories, stay out of my way. I don't care, I don't have time for this.

Back to subject.

Somehow I feel like something is missing in my life. I'm involved in all kinds of commitments. I'm a law student, and a completely inadequate one at tt. I have a sense of foreboding tt I will fail my 2nd year coz I can't seem to catch up with my work. I'm a dragonboater, and altho it seems to be something I really really love and makes me whole etc, but somehow I feel like it's taking up so much time and commitment. I'm a hostelite, and so I feel this sense of necessity to do something for my hall and block and neighbours etc, but I just feel like everything I do leads to a dead end and I just feel tired, drained and unaccomplished. I'm now a cell group leader and I have this obligation to be holy and pious and more than tt, NICE, and for tt reason I am beginning to think tt it is a mistake for me to have taken on this extra duty, even if according to my parents, "You just can't turn God down." Argh. And then there is the role of friend, which I know I am so not fulfilling because I'm rarely ever seeing or talking to my friends. It's been ages since I last had a heart-to-heart conversation with any of them, and just trying to clear some space in my schedule is just so much of an effort I can't make. Lastly, there is the role of daughter and responsiblity to my parents, and once again I feel like I'm failing at this coz I seem to lack tt energy or positive attitude tt I usually have around them. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents to bits and I really want to make them happy, but right now it just seems like I'm in such a fucked up preoccupied state of things tt no matter how understanding they are, I just can't show them the kind of love I have for them, and it just makes me so angry with myself.

And inspite of all this, I still feel like my life is missing something. Something important. It's like there is more to life than what I currently have, but I don't know what it is. And even if I did know, would I be able to pursue it? Or maybe it's tt sense of love and hope and positive attitude tt I have seemed to lost somewhere along the way in between juggling my commitments and people and just losing my temper and therefore my faith in them.

It's one thing to change people who want to change, and another when they just seem stuck in their own fucked up worlds. And so you lose hope and you get hurt and frustrated and disappointed and you ask yourself: What is the point? What is the point in caring? Bastards don't care, so therefore why should you? And tt explains apathy. Apathy is the easiest - not the best, probably, but the easiest - solution to avoiding pain and hurt and disappointment. You get to use your energy on things tt will actually have benefits, like your own work, your own life, your own tasks, rather than on things tt you can't control and probably won't get any returns from.

Oh well, maybe I'll just go expend my energy in investing in the stock market or something.

10:11 PM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

"ON SHODDY HUMANITY"

"Jude dropped behind. He was an unsophisticated boy, but the gift
of sudden insight which is sometimes vouchsafed to children showed
him all at once what shoddy humanity the quack was made of."
-- Jude The Obscure, by Thomas Hardy

In JC one of the books I did for literature was this. And although the book was long and bleak and written in a way tt I usually wouldn't enjoy, it resonated with me for the bitter cynicism that laced some of the so-called hopeful chapters in its pages.

And one of the quotes I never forgot was that of this: shoddy humanity.

Everyday as the world turns, I believe more and more deeply that humanity truly is shoddy. That for all my idealism and hope, we humans aren't worth much. We could be crushed like ants under someone's foot for all we are worth. Are we all tt self-important? That valued?

Once I wanted to be a better person, wanted to be a nicer person, wanted to hope and dream and love.

Now I've decided to be what I used to be. Bitter, jaded and cynical.

Coz humanity sucks.

7:09 PM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

"i feel very marginalised from your life"

how do you tell someone tt it's not true? when it is? i haven't been caught up with new people and new activities as you've imagined, i've been caught up in WORK. in panicking. in mugging. in becoming a fucking pissed off angry self-loathing loner hermit chao mugger.

but the truth is tt i know. i know tt in the course of things i've been neglecting you. i've been so caught up in my own cycle of work and pushing myself and staying away from everyone, tt you're just one of the people i've stayed away from.

and i don't really want to explain it. i'm tired, i don't see the point, and i don't think you'll understand it anyway. i wasn't distancing myself from you. i wasn't abandoning you. i just wasn't making the kind of effort i used to to meet up with you. i don't really feel like apologising coz it's something everyone - even you - has done before, but fuck it why should i feel so guilty?

coz i don't like letting down my friends. but then again i've let down my friends and they've let me down and life has gone on as it always has and friends are friends are friends and somehow you just accept and move on.

i don't know. i feel so bad and so guilty, and yet at the same time there is this defensive fucked up indignance and to be honest i really just feel like not caring. i don't feel like i have the energy or the inclination to bother. it's like apathy.

just plain simple apathy.

fuck lah.

9:58 AM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

GOODBYE FUCKED-UP WEEK, HELLO (HOPEFULLY) BETTER WEEKEND

Whoa. Massive.

That's how I would described my week. From Tuesday I was going through massive ups and downs. Tuesday was an up with a damn good trial advo tutorial at Drew and Napier with a damn nice lawyer advo tutor who gave us insights into ethical etc. issues in legal practice, and then piercing my ears (yet again) and meeting my OG freshies to watch Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle after tt. And yes, the movie was utterly 'leave your brains at the door get used to seeing butts and boobs (a little)' hilarious. :) Loved tt movie.

On Wednesday it was a DOWN. Like major massive downer. Missed my 9am lecture and woke up ONLY in time for FCG meeting, which I was running late for. But had to go for since as of now I am a cell group leader, even though my faith is at Ground Zero level. But like Renita said, "Look at it this way: it CAN'T get any worse." And actually the sharing was kind of good coz it gave me a little hope. It's one of those things where you feel like you're beyond God's grace, and then you find out tt every day is just a constant struggle, but if Saint Paul could go from 'chief sinner to saint', then maybe there is some hope left for me, and tt God isn't abandoning me. In fact, I just re-learnt tt it's not by my strength, but God's, tt I can juggle so many things and be subject to so many things and somehow still at the end of the day, just cope. Amen for tt.

But after tt, once I went into the library and opened up my Corporate Governance notes and referred to Walter Woon, I was like... fuck. Everything could have been written in Greek for all it was worth.

That started off a major panic. A seriously major panic. Everyone was so sure of what to read and what cases were saying what and which statute was saying what and what concepts were there and I was just this major blur. And at tt moment I actually hated myself. Actually really hated myself.

On Wed night I didn't sleep. At all. Just did Property Law till 7.30am the next morning. Oh, but with a nice break in between, when my buaya came into my room and sang 'Wonderful Tonight' to me. Yes yes, I'm a sucker for things like this. Muahaha. And he was like 'your buaya asked me to dedicate this song to you' but I already KNEW he was my buaya. Aiyoh. And I drew so much stuff for him too. Think this week is the only time I go back to drawing. Muahaha. Oh and I watched Mean Girls and Laws of Attraction too. I liked Mean Girls and Laws of Attraction was so nice. Pierce Brosnan quoted case law to prove the binding legality of marriage. Muahaha.

And of course, for the first time in the week (ok, maybe 2nd time) I actually managed to make it for my 9am lecture on time. And of course, in spite of my best efforts I fell asleep in lecture. And while studying for company. And during Prop tutorial.

Yippee.

I didn't think I would have survived dragonboat training, but I did. In fact it was THE highlight of my week. Yes training was tough. Yes the run nearly killed me. I was so blur I couldn't see anything in sight. I ran unconscious, almost crashing into everything from bus barriers to electrical boxes and tripping over uneven pavement and bus stop steps. Yes gym was a bummer. But after tt I felt so happy and high tt the feeling was incredible.

And I was so knocked out tt I slept all the way till morning after dinner, waking up just in time to join Geox for breakfast at Macs and rush my Company Law tut. And then I got to go buy Combos cheese pretzels from co-op (yummie), make it for a good Company Law tut where I had to present the question for my group - and in spite of having to do A LOT of smoking and giving embarassing wrong answers, I actually did ok - and then CLT lecture was a nice entertaining discourse on French Civil Law tt I survived and understood despite never having prepared my readings.

So now I'm back in my room munching on cheese pretzels and watching blood and body parts in Resident Evil before dinner. Go me.

7:34 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

It's official. I am fucked for law.
I am at a stage where death actually seems more inviting than trying to catch up.

8:11 PM - 4 eprops - 4 comments - email it

AND SO IT CAME TO BE

My training plans were disrupted by the threat of rain, the vicissitudes of life, a general lethargy, and the poetic call of sleep. And then there was the Opening of Buaya Week, which disrupted my grand plan to go to Law Library and do my trial advo affadavit evidence in chief (AEIC for short, but the whole name has this pompous grandiose ring to it) for my tutorial in Drew and Napier tonight.

Yes, yadda yadda yadda. I have to go down to Raffles Place to this huge law firm (probably with parquet flooring and stuff) at 6pm - when my dragonboat training starts. *sigh* But aarr....!!! I'm so excited! My first law firm visit. :) Sooooo exciting. Okay, admittedly this is spillover coz I'm watching 13 Going On 30 from the comforts of my own room as I type, so I'm a little overwhelmed by the rushing onset of re-teenagehood all over again. Okay, script is a little weak and story is a little stiff, but apart from tt I'm enjoying the ride.

Amazing. I don't remember being quite so happening when I was 13. When I was 13, I only knew baggy black shirts, jeans, angst, goth and HTML.

Anyway muahaha. I have a buaya and a buayee. It's amazing how big Buaya Week is in hall. It seems like THE event. Am amused. 'Marry Mes!' are up on the wall. Muahaha. And yes, last night I slept at 4am trying to do the damned AEIC As such, as usual, I overslept my lecture and woke up at 11.30am. Go me.

So now after sending the AEIC draft to my partner Debbie, I'm slacking in my room (SO not in the mood to Prop Law right now) till my FCG meeting at 2pm. Ren's asked me to be a CGL even though I'm really skeptical - hello? I'm like a super-unCatholic Catholic. When people find out I'm Catholic they look stunned. Right. So anyway yep, got time to watch 1 full movie. Then maybe hop down to Co-op to stock up on supplies (i.e. food like Pocky and Meji chocolates), get lunch and between meeting and my tutorial maybe go to the gym. If my arms stop aching so much from last night's session.

Yeeargh.

Ooh. Current quote I like: "That man?! Gross."

1:51 PM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

THE WORLD IS THAT MUCH BIGGER THAN YOU
("Russian School Siege: Part Deux)

And so the blame has started. The dust has settled, the dead have been/are being buried, and the town picks up the pieces, half a world away. Bloodstains have been cleaned off the floor, the tears dry slowly, and the anger has finally come. The anger is all they have left, after all.

Beslan. The town is small, but the name is not unheard of. You would have heard of it if you'd followed the Russian/Chechen episodes. Sort of like India/Pakistan and Israeli/Palestinian, no? The 2002 bombing of Moscow and the 132 civilians who were killed, or the even more recent double plane bombings tt left no survivors.

"Who dunnit?" That was what they wanted to know of To Kill A Mockingbird, and "Who dunnit?" That the question they ask now. "It's the terrorists!" is the automatic unthinking answer. "It's got to be the Muslims. The goddamned bloody Muslims." "No, it's the Al-Qaeda! I don't know how or why or what links them to this, but by God it's the Al-Qaeda."

Fingers have been pointed. And not just at the so-called terrorists - of whom there is no one right answer, with many different groups having come together for a common objective - and also the reason why it is difficult to pin down yet another 'terrorist attack' to the Al-Qaeda - because these guys don't want or aren't looking for Muslim domination, nor are they damn set on blowing Dubya to smithereens (wrong country, anyway), they want the Muslim-majority state of Chechnya to be recognised as an independent state.

But then there is the government. We can't understand it. With a history of such majority/minority violence, you would expect more precautions, espfor a town on the Russian/Chechen border. Though Russia is large and not all tt rich, but you would expect more well-equiped, better trained militia. After the 2002 Moscow Theatre fiasco, you would have expected something a little more efficient. Out of the 394 dead, only 26 were the attackers. And 155 (at least) were children. Intel suggests strongly tt a lot of the bombs had been brought into the building during the school holidays. By who? How? How do you manage to get such things through security so easily? What is wrong with Russian Intel? Why does the military seem so inept? And according to the eye-witnesses in Beslan, no ambulances came to help the injured for over 6 hours on Day 1 of the siege. So what is wrong with the medical services?

And then you might have expected a little more inroads into the diplomatic ties with the Chechens too right? I mean, after all, desperate men do desperate things. I would say they're pretty desperate, all right. And very well-equipped and funded. Maybe if Putin had done more than just stick a pro-Russian crony as head of state in Chechnya (sort of like what some other guy is doing with some other country), maybe things might be a little different. So maybe you can't give them their independence, but you could make a headstart by say... maybe give the Chechens a little more control over their own state? Withdraw a few more Russian troops? Well, whatever it is, it'll probably be a more feasible policy than the old 'attack and isolate' 'whack them till they heel' policy. You're not going scare them into submission - quite obviously this method is failing very badly, you're just making them hate you more and giving further credibility to extremist groups like theirs.

The funny thing about episodes like these, is tt they are nothing new. The motives have been around since God-know-when, the methods have been around since God-knows-when, and all tt has changed is the scale of destruction.

So my question is, tt if we have answers, why can't we solve our problems?

8:55 PM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

curse my bleeding heart.
curse the emotional side of me tt always personally involves myself in things.
curse the characteristic tt makes me cry at sad songs and sad movies
tt makes me sad for the people who suffer and die a world away
curse the characteristic tt makes me think too much and too deeply.

12:54 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

RUSSIAN SCHOOL SIEGE

"When a person goes to the cemetery for a burial, it's sad, but nothing like this - when you dig graves for your children." - Anzor Kudziyev, one of some 60 volunteer grave-diggers.

It's not my style to blog so much within the space of so little time, esp when I have a lot of work to catch up on, but just wanted to say this. Have been following a bit of the news regarding the Russian school siege where approx 370, of whom over 150 were children, died, and I'm filled with so much anger.

I feel really really sad for the people who died, esp the children, whose lives were used as PAWNS in the game between the Chechens and the Russian government. And more than tt I feel so angry tt the Chechens chose such soft targets as bargaining chips in their game. Children were used as human-shields and shot at by the gunmen.

Nowadays everyone's called a 'terrorist'. A bombing - 'the terrorists did it!'. A school siege - 'the terrorists did it!' Do you even fucking know what a terrorist is? Somehow everyone just ends up with the same label, whether your Iranian or Arabic or Iraqi or bloody Chechen.

Fuck. This post isn't making sense. I apologise. Right now I just feel tt if I had one of those gunmen in my possession I would dose him in kerosene and set him on fire.

11:33 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

"MAMA TAKE THIS BADGE OFF ME"

"I can't take it anymore.
It's getting too dark, too dark to see.
Feels like I'm knocking on heaven's door."

I think it's PMS. It's the only reasonable explanation I have for why I feel this way. Down, depressed. Again. It's as though I'm trapped in a dark room with no windows and no doors, and no way out in sight. Everywhere I turn, it's these four walls, and I'm trapped in the dark to go mad with myself.

I don't know why. Nothing so far has happened to make anything worse. The problems that were there have always been there, and nothing new has cropped up. Yet I feel so suffocated. It's like everything has just chosen a specific day and time to bear down on me, and I can't breathe.

I wish I didn't feel quite so lost, quite so much like I was drowning. I brought this all upon myself I guess. I did everything, commited to so many things, that I'm like a candle burning at both ends. Trying but not doing anything quite right.

You miss some people, but you don't think they'll be in a position to understand coz they're so far away and you don't want to explain yourself all over again. You wish the people closer to where you are will understand you, but when you ask for their sympathy or just a listening ear, you get stupid advice. I don't know, but I generally think tt I don't go to you for advice you can dispense in the space of say... 30 seconds? Coz I believe I've got enough maturity and understanding to have thought of tt myself, and found it not feasible.

And then there are situations tt you understand. Sometimes you can't help things. If you're put in certain positions compromises have to be made. And I understand and I'm doing what I can to be supportive and I'm doing what I can, but I always feel that it's not good enough. And tt I'm not good enough to meet your expectations. And I hate tt feeling of guilt when I see the disappointment in your eyes, and I hate the distance. I hate not being able to complain to you or bitch to you or tell you my secrets anymore coz you have too many things to worry about and it's just not something I should say to you in your position. But fuck it sometimes I wish things were the way they were before. I miss tt and I miss what we had.

I know I can't change things. I know I have to be understanding and accept. I know what I have to do for you and for everyone, but sometimes tho I understand, I don't accept. I can't. I cannot believe tt sometimes I'm driven to consider doing something tt I know will break my heart, but increasingly the thought comes to mind. I can't take on so many things, so many responsibilities. My love, my passion is destroying me. I'm watching myself drown in my work. The waves have crashed over my head and I can barely breathe.

I wish I could cry coz I think it would make me feel better, but I can't. Years and experience has taught me to be too strong. Too in control. I used to think tt control was an asset. The whole solitary warrior - strong woman type thing. But nowadays I'm re-evaluating. Mich once told me tt I was a hard person to love. And I have come to realise how true she is. It's been too long and the qualities have been so deeply engraved tt I can't, or don't know how to rectify the situation, but it's just one of those things. Too self-protective, too self-interested, and too-self-controlled.

I don't know how to explain myself now. I hate not knowing what to do and feeling lost. I hate feeling a certain way and not being able to change the way I feel. I hate being in certain situations and not knowing how to get out of them.

Feels like I'm knocking on heaven's door. And at this point in time, I expect the door to stay closed.

On another note, I have fallen in love with Death Cab for Cutie. Which isn't the best music to listen to when you are tempted to hurl yourself out the window enraptured in flighty notions of a romantic death.

Yeah, I took a quiz too. I've always been a Goth. So what's new?

Take the What High SchoolStereotype Are You? quiz.

10:20 PM - 4 eprops - 2 comments - email it

JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS

Just wanted to say a few things:

1) I *CRAVE* McDonald's Big Breakfast. Scrambled eggs (yeah baby!!!) with lotsa lotsa pepper and salt!

2) I WANT salmon baked rice from Swensens'!!! By hook or by crook I WILL have my salmon baked rice.

3) I am SO FUCKING DEAD for my Law course. I SWEAR I don't know what the fuck is going on for anything! And my Trial Advo affadavit is fucking killing me! And my company law tutorial is fucking killing me. And I don't know what the HELL the fucking Lexis password is. And I am so fucking dead for my Property Law as well (actually, I think it's still OK. Along with my CLT. BUT everything is pretty much in the toilet)!

AARRRGGGHH!!!!!!!

I feel so lost.

Dammit.

1:46 PM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

WELCOME TO THE FOURTH DIMENSION

After an okay training today (okay meaning lax rowing + xiong running and pull-ups after tt), the team headed down to Beach Road for a lovely dinner (for me, lor mee tt could have just been renamed SUAN mee and ice kachang) and a free edition of Russell Lee's Singapore Ghost Stories.

You see the thing is tt one of my seniors used to be able to see spirits. As in they'd communicate with her and stuff (up till about 3 years ago), and she was just telling us some of her experiences, which BTW are now legendary in her secondary school/JC. This sparked off a whole chain of other similar stories involving teammates and their friends and family, as well as certain schools in Singapore.

After the whole dinner thing, I was SO glad tt my senior drove so tt she could drive me home. NO WAY would I want to take a bus and have to walk ALL the way in from the bus stop to my front door and down this dark, quiet lonely road. *shudder* And in the car she was telling me tt when she used to see them, they were always consistently a little bit taller. Not tt they were floating or anything, but rather tt maybe the stories about the fourth dimension being slightly higher than our dimension, are true.

She was also surprised to know tt Catholics, or rather me, would believe in the existence of spirits. I told her tt exorcisms are a part of rituals of the church, even now. Like when certain spirits are sighted at certain places, and certain priests are called in to help take care of them, and stuff. In fact, spirits don't generally inhabit any certain place, but rather they are everywhere. It's just a matter of whether you can see them, and whether they can see you.

For this reason I think I'm lucky. Because I've never seen them. And because of tt, I wouldn't know if they can see me or not.

In other news, just came back to check my mail before applying aloe vera to my blisters, and found out tt my Trial Advo tutorial is on Tuesday at 6pm. Excuse me but the first thing tt comes to mind all over again is kanina fuck cheebye. This is almost worse than me spilling water all over my table. This is an abomination! My sacred, and I mean sacred, training day has been violated! HOW can I have to miss a training for a tutorial? Do they not KNOW tt I am a rower first, and everything else second???

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....

The only thing tt can possibly be worse, is if this were a WEEKLY arrangement.

And then I would be plotting someone's murder.

Dammit.

...

And interestingly in the same inbox, I got a letter from a neighbour in my hall, who seeks my advice on taking a claim to the Small Claims Tribunal. I'm flattered tt he would ask my advice just coz I am a second year Law student, but seriously, I haven't a fucking idea. I could joke and say "Sue the bastards!!!", but uh... I don't think tt will really help.

Dammit.

Dammit.

Dammit.

...

On the upside, Swensen's tomorrow. Although I'll have to travel to Changi all the way at the other side of the island for my treat.

Dammit.

10:57 PM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

"GUAJIRA... I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH"

Finally found out the name of one of the songs off tt Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights soundtrack tt I'd been wanting to play for some time. Now it's on my playlist... along with the 40/50 over songs I added in the space of ONE morning/afternoon, to bring my playlist from 187 songs to 247 songs. I kid you not. The selection on my list right now is still painfully minimalist, but DAMN I LOVE my playlist. I have songs from almost everywhere. And I have DMX's 'Up In Here' as both a playlist song as well as a ringtone. Incredibly tacky but OH so fun.

I'm so glad. Stressful day/week is FINALLY over. Survived my Company Law tutorial despite not knowing what the fucking hell is going on. Survived CLT cursing my bladder. Survived a stressful morning rushing my tutorial and readings munching on Pocky and Mini Eggs. I SWEAR I've just gained back all the weight I lose running, in the space of 2 hours of going through a box (or 2) of strawberry Pocky and Cadbury Mini Eggs. Mona will not be happy with me. And tt excludes Swensen's this weekend. I want an Earthquake!!! *pout*

Am waiting for my mom to fetch me home now. Parents are leaving for 2 week road trip tomorrow, so I will be spending one night with them before they leave. But I guess it feels a little sucky when all your friends are going out to Orchard and Holland V and Harry's to celebrate the end of a school week and you are home on a Friday night.

But oh well. Was hanging out for a while with some of the guys... They're damn funny. Talking all sorts of nonsense in Bizad. How amusing. OH WELL.

Am going to enjoy as much of my playlist as I can before my mom comes for me. I've got everything from rock to hip-hop to latin to Bhangra! What should I listen to now? :)

6:18 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

GLYCERINE
by Bush

It must be your skin that I'm sinking in

It must be for real cause now I can feel

And I didn't mind, it's not my kind

It's not my time to wonder why

Everything gone white, everything's grey

Now you're here, now you're away

I don't want this, remember that

I'll never forget where you're at



Don't let the days go by

Glycerine, Glycerine



I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time

Are you at one or do you lie

We live in a wheel where everyone steals

But when we rise it's like strawberry fields

I treated you bad, you bruise my face

Couldn't love you more, you've got a beautiful taste



Don't let the days go by

Could've been easier on you

I couldn't change though I wanted to

Should have been easier by three

Our old friend fear and you and me

Glycerine, Glycerine

Don't let the days go by

Glycerine

Don't let the days go by



Glycerine, Glycerine

Glycerine, Glycerine



Bad moon white again

Bad moon white again

As she falls around me



I needed you more when we wanted us less

I could not kiss, just regress

It might just be clear simple and plain

Well that's just fine, that's just one of my names



Don't let the days go by

It could've been easier on you, you, you

Glycerine, Glycerine

Glycerine, Glycerine

10:24 AM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

24 HOUR WALKING SLEEPMODE

I turned my life around today, with A LOT of help from Zhiqian, who called me at 8.50am, waking me up from my nice slumber (I couldn't sleep the night before till 4am!!! And I seriously tried ok? Tossed and turned in bed like a bloody idiot) to tell me tt my lecture was in 10 min. Jump out of bed, pack all my books + training stuff (but left out stationery) wash face + brush teeth + grab first available set of clothes (which trust me looked so bad I refused to take my IVP jacket off all day) + run up Bizad to LT 19 = reach LT 19 at 9.05am. You amazed yet? Good, coz so am I.

But the consequence of actually waking up on time was tt I spent the rest of my day - and I'm talking the WHOLE FUCKING DAY from 9am to 6pm, in sleep mode. As in I REALLY was half-asleep.

It was bad. I struggled to stay awake during Company Law lecture, I spent my time attempting to read Merryman falling asleep on the table - as in literally I start from a sitting position and SOMEHOW find my HEAD right ON my books/notes... Debbie was so amused she couldn't stop laughing. And my hair was a mess, my face looked bad, and my eyes were perpetually half-fully-closed and my contacts were SO dry tt they kept sticking to my eyeballs. Gross.

I don't know how I survivied Prop Law tutorial. Oh yar, coffee. Lousy coffee at tt. As usual, I smoked my way to a correct answer. Also don't know how and why - I didn't even know what the hell I was saying. And somehow it was correct. I think my Prop Law tutor has a relatively good impression of me. Surprise surprise. And to think, I ALSO fell asleep during her tutorial. A lot of black-out periods and spider's writing across my tutorial answers. And then during CLT, I spent more time trying to stay awake than listening. UGH. So glad when it ended. I was SO fucking tired and drained and sleepy tt I was in a damn pissy mood.

Ugh.

Was barely alive when I made it for training. As I was whining to Daowei , I was so tired tt I wanted to die. Fortunately the gym session was manageable. Okay, technically circuits is also manageable, but I HATE circuits. I'd rather run 3.2km than do circuits. Geox would rather run 6km. It's not tt it is difficult coz we managed to survive, but seriously, I hate the track. Like really just hate the bloody stupid red track and running round the same route multiple times. I'd rather someone just shoot me.

Am always particularly high when training is over. I think it is usually because TRAINING IS OVER! And it's time for Vitasoy and dinner! It rhymes. Bought my last bowl of ban mian from the auntie at Clementi - whom I will boycott for super-lousy service from now on -, went grocery shopping at NTUC - MORE strawerry pocky, yoghurt, fruit juice, chocolate etc... YUM! - and yes, took the 96 back with Geox and Amy. Were talking about blogs actually on our ride back. And me being ultra lazy, decided to wait for the A1 shuttle bus instead of walk back. The upside is tt I got to know a new freshie from Block E.

Yayz. Just finished a WHOLE box of Strawberry Pocky almost all by myself (with a little help from Sam and Wanyi, both of whom I went to bug muahaha). Once the food settles I WILL sleep. NEED to do my company law tutorial tomorrow, otherwise I can pretty much go string myself out to dry.

1:12 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

Currently Playing
A Boy Named Goo
By Goo Goo Dolls
see related

WED NIGHTS ARE FOR MAMBO

Wrong.

Didn't go mambo. Didn't go Phuture. Didn't go club. Didn't touch a sip of alcohol, let alone my intended 2 lambos.

OH WELL.

Went to support Sheryl at Mediacorp. She was in the School Belle thing with tt KR girl Sylvia. Thought she looked really good in the pink tube thing. I'd never seen the KR girl till tonight but everyone was telling me how hot she was.

To be honest, no lor. Okay, she has sae. I think the hairstyle is pretty damn cool. Colour as well. And she has striking features. But I still maintain tt Sheryl is prettier and has a better figure.

Okay, maybe I'm biased.

For our 5 min airtime, we were rotting at Studio 1 for almost 40 bloody min. Belinda Lee wasn't as thin as I was told. In fact I think she has a good figure, not too thin, not too fat. Dress design was nice but the colours were horrible. Oh well.

Went for tt School Belle thing in the clothes I'd been wearing since bloody morning, pink tank, black track pants and pink Trail slippers - the kind you wear to the bathroom. Someone suggested go Mambo after the School Belle thing.

Right. Go Mambo in pink Trail slippers.

Fashion statement siah.

So bloody tired this evening. Tired, depressed, unmotivated, sianz. Totally un-energised. Bothered. Francis asked me how my love life was.

The same as ever. Non-existent.

The slightest hint of the guy I like is pretty much a non-issue. It doesn't and shouldn't exist because it simply will not happen, will not be allowed to happen, and is merely a figment of my sad unrealistic dreams and over-active imagination.

Bloody hell.

Oh well.

I guess I just need to tear myself out of dreamland and start living.

But had supper with the Beekers at KR Fong Seng. I'm STILL craving ice-cream and bloody chocolate, but chilli, ikan bilis and deep fried this and tt keep me happy for now.

I think guys have weird taste. One of the guys was going on abt how hot this girl was, and how much attn she drew when she went up to dance. When Sam and I looked at her we were like, "Uh. No lor." Seriously. I think guys and girls have different versions of hot. I guess for us "hot" isn't just about the figure, but also the looks. You have to be vaguely pretty for one. For guys, it seems like all you need is the figure, long hair and an un-ugly face.

Oh well.

Anyway met an old sec-school mate who changed so much I couldn't recognise her. I swear I've been doing a lot of tt. People come up to me and they're like "You're Isobel right?" And I give them this major blank stare like they're from Mars and have antennas sticking out of the tops of their heads. I suck lah.

And Martin saw me but he didn't say 'hi'.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Last thought: I think you're sweet.

Okay, 2nd last thought.

Last thought: Thanks and praise God for sending me things and people to make the depression go away.

"Everyday, I live for you Lord
Everyday, I long to follow you"

Be my strength Lord. For today, and tomorrow, and the day after.

3:16 AM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

GUILT-TRIPPED

I hate it.

Did I tell you how much I hate it?

One of the things I hate most in the world, is choice. Whoever said that freedom of choice would set you free ought to be taken out and shot.

I hate it that so many things somehow always end up happening at the same fucking time. Hey, you have to do thing A at 8pm. And then thing B crops up at 8-fucking-pm too. And then thing C just 'happens' to overlap.

And it always happens. I hate it. I hate having to prioritise and choose 1 choice over another and wonder if I'd made the right choice. I know there's no such thing as looking back and regretting, but I always get tt guilt-trip problem.

I'm so sorry James, tt I set up your expectations so high, and I made you crash and burn. And I know how much you were looking forward to it, as was I, and I'm so sorry I had to cancel on you. I hate it when things get so fucked up at last minute.

I'm frustrated coz tomorrow there's trial advo tutorial, and dragonboat land time trial + mooncake festival, AND just now my freshie asked if I would go support David at S'pore Idol tomorrow and Friday. And altho I'd been wanting to it's damn obvious tt I have to choose my loyalties, and it fucking sucks coz you feel an obligation to someone or other, but THEN. And on Fri I've got my heart set on an ACT talk at St. Bernadette's Church, which is ALSO at 8pm, and dammit I can't go for both... *sigh*

I hate tt feeling of being left out, left behind, wondering what you've missed, wondering who you've let down and how much and for what. What's worse is when you realise tt the choice tt you thought might have been the best just wasn't; you weren't as integral as you were made out to be; you could have appeared later or not at all, and then you just want to scream "Fuck you!" at the whole world until your lungs burst out of your chest.

I hate feeling like there are so many things tt I need to or have to do, and somehow I just don't seem to have the fucking energy or motivation to do them. I want to get down to my work, but I don't seem to have the motivation to get started, or get anywhere, and I feel so threatened, yet not enough to push myself. I want to run, to burn off all tt sugar and chocolate and the *weight* and the *flab* and everything about my body tt has been bugging me like hell, but I just feel so tired and sleepy thinking of running. I wanted to join all my hall activities but somehow I don't even have the motivation to sign up or go for them.

I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I don't know where all my energy or zest for life is going. I'm praying to God to let me let go, to stop depending on myself but on His strength, but somehow I still can't find peace.

All I feel is tired, and depressed, and oh so guilty.

Choice, my ass.

9:06 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

20 min to Law FCG session. Should be making my way down now but ah hell, once I finish with this.

Finished company law assignment between 4am and 5am last night. Prob took so fucking long coz half tt time was spent revisiting Friendster (whenever someone new adds me, I start surfing/resurfing and wasting my time on tt site). Printed out the document. Will submit it 24 hours early. Don't really care what the fuck kind of grade I get for it coz I'm seriously pissed with it and I don't think I'm going to touch it again. Just made the word count after maxing it out by 300+ words last night. Oh well. Goodbye company law. I'll see you again in November.

Obviously I couldn't wake up this morning for lecture. Company law lecture. Must explain why there's no guilt attack. Apparently it seems the lecturers are making more references to David. Guess word has got round to them even tt he's tt S'pore Idol guy. Heh heh heh. But I could wake up on time for Mac's breakfast with James. Zhun zhun wake up at the end of my lecture to message James. Must be coz of the craving for scrambled eggs again. Who cares tt it's got fucking 652 calories? Don't care. Exercise like a freak, race not till end November, can't keep depriving myself of good food and sin every now and then, otherwise I wouldn't be fucking human.

Ugh. Am so sleepy right now. Must be the result of the lack of sleep. Explains the superbly grouchy syndrome too. Oh well, guess all can't be fine and well. Funny thing how last night, while I was playing an addictinggames.com game on my comp, I heard the KR B-Blkers make a lot of noise. Got kinda irritated but purposely ignored them... until Ee Yang calls me on my hand phone and tells me to look out the window coz apparently all the people on the roof had been trying damn hard to get my attention. Purpose: to wish me Happy Mid-Autumn Festival. Was kinda touched + flattered by the attn + the action, but it was so weird... And apparently Sam even heard people call my name. Ugh.

Anyway I'm disturbed right now. Revival of feelings for absolutely no good reason other than sympathy and sadness. Dammit tt's not good. I'm dreaming of you now (good dreams of course), and tt's so not a good thing coz it worries me as to where my mind is going to. And I am further troubled by the attns of someone whom I don't trust.

BTW, I thought I'd just say tt I'd rather stay single than ever ever ever get attached to someone in my hall. Coz once you do, EVERYONE knows about it. When and how you get together, when and/or how you break up, and everyone has all these opinions tt it's just damn super scary. I don't ever want to be gossip fodder for anyone anywhere anytime, no matter what the sacrifice.

So there. Off I go for my cell group meeting.

2:46 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

THE MONDAY AFTER

Bloated from guzzling too much fruit juice. That fruit and vegetable juice thingy from Fruit Tree actually isn't as bad as I originally imagined, especially since a week in the pantry fridge has put some yummy small ice bits into it. But it's green in colour. Makes you think you're drinking chlorophyll. Although I probably am. Never mind. As long as I don't turn green, I'm ok.

Didn't do any work today. Let me just clarify. I managed to wake up to submit my prop law assignment + attend prop lecture on time today. Go me. I managed to have a damn fun bimbo + bridge session with the bim gang at Arts canteen between prop law and trial advo, only to conveniently fall asleep during trial advo. Then I managed to catch 40 winks before netball IFG this evening... only to completely oversleep and miss it and wake up just in time for dinner. WTH.

And after tt I watched both Resident Evil: Apocalypse and Ju-On 2 in the comforts of my room (yes, I have the complete movie files for both movies), shuffled down to watch American's Next Top Model, and very fucking obviously, I have not touched my company law assignment at all.

Oh. On the upside. The AHM pics are out. On the downside, I look spastic.



A part of me feels like going on a short run tonight coz the weather is so good and very simply put, ANY-FUCKING-THING is better than doing work, but my legs ache too damn much. Stairs kill me.

Argh. I cannot believe what a bloody nua slacker I am tonight. Even watching Reality TV, which I don't believe in, is preferable to doing an assignment tt is due in less than *2* days. What is wrong with me? And my food cravings as scary. Now, besides my mac and cheese and Crystal Jade, I absolutely crave *ice-cream* right now, and coz of reading Kiwishine's chocolate fondue experience I SO want to go to Max Brenner's and/or the chocolate buffet at the Fullerton. Ugh I suck.

In fact one of the things I've been wondering, is why I happen to be so attached to the physical. Why it is tt I actually have cravings tt are so intense? When I want a certain food, I want it bad and I want it now, and it's like nothing else suffices. When I listen to music, which I love, I get so bloody involved in it sometimes tt I don't see the rest of the world. When I watch movies, I involve myself so deeply in the plots tt I can feel the way a character does, as when I read an engaging story. When I read or watch the news, feelings like sadness, anger, or even scorn comes over depending on what I read.

I can detach myself from people, but I can't detach myself from the physical. From experience. I can't do anything for functionality alone, it has to have an intrinsic value to me. I have to know why I'm doing what I do and to really believe or be interested in what I do before I can do it. I don't know if it means I'm not emotionally-mature, tt I choose to involve myself so completely to so many things. Fair enough, part of it is sub-conscious, but for the most part, it is a choice to let go. To succumb in a way tt I control at all other times.

It puzzles me. Not that I will change, but I am puzzled. And thinking.

And in need of getting back to my work. Ugh, ice-cream ice-cream ice-cream.

[edit:]

I'm praying for 2 people. For someone's mother, may her soul rest in peace and may the Lord's eternal light shine unto her. And for tt someone, that even though he's not close to me, he will find the strength to move on and live and be at peace as well.

And I thank God for my parents, who love me, who care for me and understand me, and that they are still alive and healthy to be with me even now as I write.

[end edit]

1:13 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

ARMY HALF-MARATHON: THE REPORT

1. Pre-marathon preparation:

WHAT preparation?! Arhahaha. Never train for run at all, never do any kind of funny mental workshop thingy, never eat properly, get self sick, go for intensive training the day before. And then the night before, supposed to sleep at 10pm so I get 6 hours of sleep before waking up at 4am (yes. *4* am. Granted, poor army boys have to wake up around this time more regularly than me, but they're *forced* to do it and I'm doing it out of my *own free will*). BUT THEN so used to sleeping at 3am/4am/*never* am I, that the earliest time I feel sleepy is 1.30am. Ended up watching WWE Bottomline on Channel 5 at 12.30am. WTH? Besides tt, I can't actually fall asleep. I'm in this half-asleep half-awake mode all the way from 1.30am to 3.30am - coz between 3.30am and 4.00am I'm *awake* already. Don't even need to worry about oversleeping coz I'm not even asleep! Muahaha. Furthermore, between that 1.30am and 3.30am, the half-asleep part of me dreams firstly, of rowing. Here I am in my sleep doing mental exercises on to improve my long pulling stroke. And then secondly, I dream of myself running down Kallang. Arhahaha.

*close to tears*

2. The Marathon itself:

Signed up and went for the AHM thing with 7 of my teammates. I was the earliest at the Padang area (wonder why?), and it was so weird coz I was one of the very very few girls amidst this whole sea of guys, and most of them were wearing some kind of army singlet or outfit or other. So out-of-place at 5am in the morning. Bah.

And worried that I'll end up a) getting stomach cramps; or b) gastric attack while running (these are the 2 most common things tt happen to me when I run), I make sure I eat a hearty breakfast before running. In the end I eat too much and begin the run feeling like throwing up. Whoopee.

Speaking of which, our run got off to a roaring start. Really. The competitive run, which we signed up for, starts off at 5.45am. The non-competitive run starts at 6am. At 5.50am, we were still casually walking to the starting point.

Me: "Uh... It's 5.50am already. Do you think they've flagged us off yet?"
Teammate (peering at crowd of people gathered at starting point. At this point of time announcer makes some announcement about flagging off at 6am): "No lah. So many people there still."

5.55am. The announcer qualifies himself. "The 6am flag-off time is for non-competitive runners. Competitive runners, you can make your way past the starting line and start running already."

Me: ... ... ... ...

And so all 7 of us girls squeeze past this sea of army boys from the back all the way to the front of the starting line. It's like Phuture all over again with the wolf-whistles and squeezing past all those yucky bodies. And so we start our run 10 min late.

Between the end of Shenton Way and Sheares Bridge Geox and I lose the rest of the team (we get left behind, essentially).

Around East Coast Park, we find Angie. Then Jen Ming says 'hi' to me, and then I lose Geox and Angie (I ran faster).

Around 9.5km into the run, I slow down. And then my long-lost eye candy tells me to 'jia you' and I become so ridiculously motivated tt I sprint up to the 10km mark. Obviously sprinting anywhere in a 21km run is not a good idea.

Between 12km and 13km I decide to walk. Then Ian catches up with me and he actually inspires me to run a bit. But then he joins the rest of his contigent, and the stretch between 14km and 17km officially becomes the longest 3 km of my life.

I think the stretch through the Indoor Stadium, SDBA and the Kallang area is absolutely horrible. I was so unmotivated I actually walked for most of this stretch. What was worse was tt because I was wearing my bloody dragonboat singlet - the guo2 da4 long2 zhou1 one -, I kept hearing people mutter behind me "Eh... Guo2 da4 long2 zhou1." Or "guo2 da4". Or "na4 ge4
guo2 da4 de4". Or "guo2 da4. Then I'm zi4 da4".

Argh. So irritating. And so embarassing coz I'm supposed to be some super fit woman thing coz I'm in dragonboat, and here I am walking and getting recognised by so many people (even after the bloody run I got recognised as "Hey, it's tt guo2 da4 girl!" ARGH!!!! This is the last time I will EVER wear a dragonboat singlet to a run like this.

I caught up with Zhen Yi around the 17/18km mark, and lost her a little later. And then the run actually encompassed our water training running route under Sheares Bridge. Whatever inspiration I had at 19km was lost when I saw where I had to go. WHY?!?!?!?!!?!!?!

Argh.

So I completed the run in very lousy time. But it's not too bad coz 1) I gave myself under 3 hours (!!!) to complete the run, so I obviously made it; 2) I completed it before 9am which was also the time I intended to complete it within; 3) I intended to complete the run, which I did; and 4) I saw my eye-candy and he spoke to me *swoon*. Okay, admittedly I'm long over the crush, but STILL. The inspiration counts for something! Haha.

Ah yes, so tt's it. Run over and completed, the first 21km I have ever run in my life. Out of it, I got a finisher's medal, a cert, SUPERBLY aching thigh and calf muscles (which resulted in me taking off my shoes, and then walking around the Padang wearing them like slippers, tip-toeing around (coz I was wearing my shoes like slippers) and swinging my medal and socks in one hand. My teammates found tt damn funny), blisters and corns on my feet, a detachable last toe nail, shorts tt got so SOAKED in my sweat it looks like I dumped them in the washing machine and forgot to take them out, and an amazing hunger tt demanded McDonalds, thereby negating any hope tt I had of losing any weight at all from the run.

Oh well. But it was fun, it was an experience. McDonalds never tasted so good. And my mom cooked kway chup tonight (Mona! I didn't ask for it! I didn't even know she was cooking kway chup), so dinner was really really really good (it tastes even better than the ones you buy outside coz my mom is a 1st class cook!!!). But once again, weight loss completely negated.

And now I am dead for property law assignment. Gotta rush it tonight then. *am strangely satisfied tho*

[edit: side notes]

Craves:
1. macaroni and cheese from Kenny Roger's (not tt fantastic, but don't know where else to get better mac and cheese)
2. Crystal Jade - porridge, dim sum and egg tarts. Yum.

11:39 PM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

ACHING AGAIN

Today's training was intense. Well, actually, it wasn't. I think it was *my* own fault. Pushed myself too hard in the beginning and didn't regulate my pace.

Oh well.

Woke up at 11.20am... Even though I slept really early (12.20am) last night! Yeesh. If Boon Chin hadn't messaged me, that is it man. That is it.

Had brunch (breakfast and lunch together) at 12pm. It seems I'm merging my meals a bit these few days. Eep. Char siew bao, siew mai, and bak chor mee with extra chili. Later during training when I was talking to my junior Cindy, she was telling me how guai she was by eating it in SOUP without any chili at all, and I was like... whoa. 0_o You're taking this strict training thing so much more seriously than *I* am!

Anyway Mona had a brief session with us on nutrition after training. In summary, she's more or less banned me from everything that's nice and delicious and that I *LOVE* to eat, like deep-fried food *sob*, ice-cream *double sob*, chocolate *triple sob*, all sorts of carbs (okay. qualification. we NEED carbs for energy for training, but cannot overload [otherwise we'll become fat(ter)]), and worst of all... NO MORE KWAY CHUP!!!! *waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaails* In replacement, we must eat more protein like steamed fish (yuck), tuna (YUCK! I hate tuna) and chicken breast (yuck). :( Can't I just eat beef steak instead? Heh heh heh.

But anyway water training was... actually it should have been manageable. We didn't do anything that was killing. I knew it! Shouldn't have gone and bloody tried to show off and give 100% even when I wasn't required to! Argh... Towards the end it really was like every single time I tried to row, I couldn't pull as far back as I previously could, and Kallang water always damn near blinds me. It sucks when you get an average of 2 blisters per finger on each hand, but it sucks like HELL when your butt gets abraided by the stupid seats of the boat! Dammit, even 2 towels not enough now. EARGH!!!

Fortunately the run was short. Then again yesterday's killer run made today's one look easy. And we didn't have to do as many push-ups as I'd expected. And my pull-ups are ok unless I get too tired *yay*. But army-half marathon tomorrow... Gotta be there at 5am. SIAN. WHY oh WHY did I sign up for bloody 21km?!?!?! When I pass by parts of the route and I see stuff like '13km'; '17km' etc etc etc, my eyes widen in horror.

After training I was SO hungry my hands were shaking. And my back muscles ache like HELL. Argh. Have to sleep early tonight. And rush my assignments too. Oh well.

... ... ...

But I love training and I love my teammates. :)

*big hugz to Geox and Mona especially* Although Mona's coxing needs practice. Heh heh heh.

Ooh. And quizes taken. I don't know accuracy of the first tho. o_o ...But I like the second! Hell yeah. :)

You are Sweet and Innocent
You're style is quiet and cute. Guys notice you more often then you notice them, but your relationships may tend toward platonic friendships. You tend to shy away from serious relationships and spend more time alone or with your friends then you would in the back of a movie theatre snuggled up with your sweetie.

What kind of flirt are you? **with pics**

Beatrix Kiddo (Black Mamba)

You're the Bride! Strong and determined, you can do anything once you set your mind to it. You long for vengeance and for a happy ending, and will do anything to achieve them.

Kill Bill: Which Deadly Viper Assassin Are You? (Vol. II spoilers... results with pics)

And a quote that I like because *i'd* probably be the person saying it myself:

"Don't say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believe it."

10:21 PM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

XIN JING CHA GU SHI

It was worth it.

It was:

1. Worth sacrificing 4 additional hours of sleep, to travel to some ulu theatre to catch the first morning show.
2. Worth sacrificing a good and hearty breakfast for a hurried bite to get the beginning credits.
3. Worth spending $7.50 on.
4. Worth catching alone, even if it made me look like an anti-social friendless bitch.
5. Worth packing my schedule even though I knew the lack of energy was a factor that I might regret later.
6. Worth risking my 3 due assignments for, even though now I'm damn worried I might not be able to catch up.
7. Worth catching, even if it was the only Chinese movie I'll ever catch, considering what a 100%-certified kentang I am.

New Police Story. I caught it this morning. Amidst the horrified gasps of my peers who believe that this is Jackie Chan cheap-flick fluff and cannot believe why I might want to watch it so desperately, below are my reasons.

1. Jackie Chan was one of my idols for the longest time. I took taekwondo partially because of him. And my parents had to sit me down the day after they agreed to let me take up the sport, just to tell me that getting a black belt didn't mean I could backflip off walls and do jumping spinning kicks the way he can. And in this movie he's back to his authentic chop-socking self!

2. My fave Jackie Chan movie of all time is Police Story III - the one with Michelle Yeoh in it. And yes, Michelle Yeoh was also an idol of mine.

3. Mata mata!!! I've already got a vested interest in a life in blue, so I might as well get started somewhere. Besides, Hong Kong Police flicks are compelling (like Infernal Affairs). And they do blow up the HK Police HQ.

4. The style. Did you catch the trailer for the movie? Damn cool! How Jackie Chan's team of 9 men die in the beginning, how their mission gets converted into an online game... Whoa.

5. Nic Tse. When I was young and impressionable, I had a formidable weakness for pretty boys with floppy hair (of which my best friends can safely attest to). Okay, admittedly the weakness still persists, but fortunately for me it's not as extreme as before. Anyway I became a majorrr fan of his when Gen X Cops came out, and when I saw tt he would be acting in New Police Story, I thought he would become another reason to watch it.
The only problem is tt now tt I've watched it, I'm a fan of his again. ARGH!

Yes, if you feel anything like the way I do, then New Police Story is worth watching. It's not anything super-outstanding etc etc etc, so if you're looking for something highly sophisticated or arty-farty (god knows what reason you'd have for doing tt) then don't blame me if the movie's not up to your expectations.

But it was more than up to mine. Feel like buying the VCD when it comes out.

... ... ... ...

In other news, barely rushed back in time for Law FCG CGL meeting. Didn't have time for lunch. Worship session was good, but meeting itself was IMHO too long. Okay, we covered *everything*, but seriously about half the stuff wasn't really necessary, at least not to be brought up at this stage at this meeting. Which lasted till 6pm.

Had my lunch (a sandwich) at 6pm. Or is it dunch? Was relatively pissed. And cold. And so hungry.

Argh. Bad mood again. Get irritated when people make me do things I don't want to do. Leave me alone.

NB: Someone looks like someone I knew and behaves like someone else I knew. Wonder if tt person is playing games with me. Would like to give person benefit of the doubt, but if you screw with me, be warned. I won't let you off.

11:13 PM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

NABE. First time run with a guy in god-knows-how long. His super-slower, can *sing* while running pace is *STILL* faster than my kanina fast until want-to-DIE pace. ARGH!!! Why am I so fucking unfit?!?!?!?!

But then again 6km in approx. 35 min. The fastest 6km I have EVER run in my life!!!

[edit #1] added:

Him (trying to be motivational)~ "Don't underestimate the power of the human body." ~
Me: (mental state) "Fuck! Kanina!" (on repeat mode)

[edit #2] added:

Thoughts tt comes to mind after reading article abt PAP partying at Zouk.

#1: "Dude... where's my car?"
#2: "OMG! I *have* to see this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
#3: "No wait. OMG I *DON'T* want to see this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
#4: "Arhahaha. Now when my parents say clubbing is bad and for girls who don't have a life/live only the night life (i.e. are whores), I can say *the* most respectable bunch of people in Singapore party (singular) at Zouk."
#4: "Oh wait. My parents HATE the PAP."
#5: "Haha! Now stupid taxi-drivers have no excuse for not knowing where Zouk is anymore! Muahaha."
#6: "Fuck. My mind is on the wrong topic. It should be on WORK, not PAP or Party or anything PA-ish. Off blog off blog!"

[end edits]

8:42 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

And suddenly at 12.46am, in the midst of struggling through just completing one fucked-up assignment, the depression hits me suddenly like a fist to my stomach, and I wonder if I should get a clinical subscription for Prozac.

1:45 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

WEDNESDAY'S FOR COMPANY

Social company, not company law. Or any other kind of law for that matter. Wed rocked tho. Started out in the morning meeting James for Mac's (yet again). Good heavy breakfast, eggs and great company put a really huge smile to my face. And James even helped me carry charcoal from Clementi! Which was so so sweet of him. Coz 9 kg of charcoal is NO JOKE. Esp since I decided to buy Dynamo (which is heavier than 1 box of charcoal) as well. Ooh, and I bought pink Trail slippers. So pretty. Yayz! Thank you James!!! *big hugz* You've been the biggest biggest help to me, esp since I've been so falling apart with all tt stress!

After tt I lugged the charcoal to Harbourfront, where I met my teammates. Haha. They helped me carry the charcoal straight to the chalet (can do front deltoid raise, right? :P) Had a nice big bite at Seah Im Foodcourt with the girls and traumatised Mona all the way from there to the chalet. Muahaha. Then again everyone was traumatising her by parroting all her training lines "It's all in the mind!" "Upslope! Lean forward and open up!" etc etc etc. Speaking of which, the route up to the chalet WAS an upslope. Freaking aching thighs.

After much dilly-dallying and mixing of milk and butter and bacon and celery bits into the mashed potato/potato salad, the whole bunch of us made our way down to Palawan Beach. Where we promptly a) swam to the platform and dived off (the forward flip dive is DAMN painful on the back! But at least it looks damn cool. Muahaha. Vic even wanted to try a back flip dive but Yirang convinced her not to.); b) built sandcastles and befriended this cute little 5-year-old kid called Wilbur whom Vic kept bickering with and everyone else was content to let have his way, and who divulged to us that his dad slept in the nude. 0_o So cute. And we tried playing frisbee and beach soccer and volleyball (with a super lau4 huang1 ball), but the operative word is TRY. We are dragonboaters for a reason, and for most of us that reason has nothing to do with balls.

Unfortunately, we were all superbly hungry by 4.30pm. So we upped and left, headed back to the chalet, pigged out on mashed potato/potato salad, crackers and whatever other ready-to-eat food we could find, sang KTV (or rather, watched Yirang and Wendy our special KTV-ers sing Sun Yanzi and S.H.E) and lazed around till it was time to start the BBQ.

And what a BBQ it was. There was so many chicken wings (all BBQ-ed to perfection by Yirang, our multi-talented junior), incredibly good satay with satay sauce, hot dogs and crabsticks, lots of marshmellows with melted chocolate and chocolate-filled apples. We were eating so much tt we were all incredibly bloated.

BUT THEN there was STILL food left over. Dragonboat tradition: play number game to finish up the food. I almost thought I was lucky. Heng heng last item of food (the huge chocolate-filled apple) left... Cannot be me.

Shit. Spoke too fast.

And then we yam-senged first Peach Tea and then Bailey's, and me the uh... 'resident chiongster' got extra Bailey's from people who didn't want to drink so much.

I left for hall after playing a round of Uno Stacko with the usually dormant, occasionally active Dork Club headed by our dearest Mona, who founded tt special one-of-a-kind 'Draw 2' move tt even Geox has perfected! Wahaha.

And then... it was off to Phuture later. Wore a skirt coz Jane asked me to wear one, so I wore tt pretty white skirt with the black flowers, which looked really out of place. I looked more like I was going to a wedding! Haha. And with the black heels too. And because we were leaving before 11, I realised I only had 5 minutes to apply my make-up. I'm amazed at how much I can do in 5 min. Muahaha. I'm good.

So it was me, Sam, Wanyi, Beidi and Jane, in 2 cabs. Stupid taxi driver didn't know where Zouk was so he brought us ALL OVER the fucking place. First to MS, then round the whole of Great World City and all of us had totally lost our patience, esp Jane. And we had to pay for his fucking mistake. PLEASE, you drive a fucking cab and you have no fucking idea where Zouk is? Are you really tt swaku?

But all was well and good. Me got my 2 flaming lambos (drunk at 1 shot). Happy. But tonight the music at Phuture wasn't fantastic, and the crowd just sucked. It was TOO much of a crowd. What the hell man? We got squashed, stepped on, had to move between Zouk and Phuture and wherever had less people etc etc etc. Damn fucking irritating lah. What the hell.

So it wasn't a bad idea to drink a lot. Have decided tt 2 flaming lambos is cheaper than 6 tequila shots anyway, so this will be my choice of poison from now on. Anyway altho I was high enough to dance like I was possessed and not (really) notice the sheer horror of the crowd, I was still relatively sobre. Not drunk or wasted or anything to tt extent. Muahaha. Go me.

But after tt wah lau. Feet hurt like mad when we walked out of Phuture. Super-dehydrated and HUNGRY from the dancing. I was really starving. The lambos weren't settling properly and I was developing a headache. Don't know how I managed to last tt 2-hour session later in the TV Lounge, but it was fun anyway.

Slept around 5.30am, and woke up at 1.30pm. But today I've been in a damn pissy anti-social mood. Actually I'm really sorry, if you're reading this. I wasn't in the mood for company, and I'm sorry tt I wasn't nice or friendly or accomodating. It's nothing to do with you. I'm just stressed when I realise how much I have to do and how little I've actually accomplished.

Oh well. Back to work work work.

10:54 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

Two lambos at 1 shot and I was still relatively sobre. Didn't even get wasted. I rock. Now... If only I can do something about the fucking hangover?

Update after I get my sleep.

6:38 AM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

RUMMY IN MY TUMMY

Am sitting in room sipping green tea like old grand-muhdda. Would prefer to avoid such sedentary activity, but stomach is bloated. Not with rum, but with food glorious food. Dinner at Holland V (again) with a main at Thai Express and dessert at NYDC (again). The chocolate cakes at NYDC are orgasmic. The creaminess of the mousse, the sweetness and the richness of the texture, the slight bitterness of the thick chocolate used; coupled with creamy macadamia nut ice-cream with huge chunks of macadamia... Heaven. Seemed surprised that I have never been for the chocolate buffet at One Fullerton tho.

Oh well.

I woke up this morning, thanks to an unintentional wake-up call from Boon Chin tt had me rolling out (and subsequently falling out) of bed and landing in a heap on the floor. Literally. So I rushed to get ready and go for training at 11am. I swear, it's stressful, this whole thing about punctuality. I have a huge problem with exact punctuality, especially when it involves me having to wake up at/before a certain time.

Kanina why can't we just have training at a later time... like at night or something?

Training was a killer. People who said it was maneagable were all LYING I tell you! Liars each and everyone of them! Stair climbing is not manageable. Attempting to sprint up 3 storeys of stairs 3 times, before doing push-ups in between another 3 sets of 3 storeys of stairs, is NOT manageable. Running the so-called sheltered way from Bizad through Law through Arts through Central Library through Yusof Ishak because of the ~heavy downpour~ DOESN'T make it manageable. There's NOTHING but stairs going up and up and up and who the fucking hell constructed NUS I swear if I find tt creep I'm going to chain him to a STAIRMASTER and make him climb stairs for the rest of his waking life!!! EARGH!!!!

And it didn't help tt breakfast this morning consisted of half a Nature Valley granola bar (other half was consumed the night before) which was infested with ants, a fact tt I only discovered after eating the whole bar and finding ants crawling out of the wrapper. Fuck. I spent the entire first half of training wondering how many live ants I was digesting in my stomach. Whoohoo. New diet and source of protein.

I suck lah...

After training Yirang discovered tt she lost her phone. And we all felt so sorry for her and really wanted to help her find it somehow, but the thing is there is just so fucking litle you can do. And when I see her look so down I just don't know what to do or say to her. I just hope she feels better.

And after tt and lunch I went to Law Lib (finally) to do my assignment. I don't know how those 4 hours passed so quickly with me doing jack. Fuck lah how am I going to complete my assignment? My whole next day is blown out with chalet and clubbing? *sigh sigh sigh*

On the upside, dinner + the free ride (yay!) and the great company was a major highlight. And when I came back to wash my clothes I put my stuff into the laundry... WITHOUT detergent. By the time I realised it was too late for me to take my clothes out. I SUCK LAH!!! *wails* Then the hall celebrated the birthday of Adrian, a senior who looked obviously inebriated tonight. He didn't get ponded tho. Oh well. I get confused by the undercurrents in hall conversation. Maybe coz I'm just so "out of it". Oh well.

Reminder: rewash clothes eargh!!!

1:28 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

"IF YOU CAN DODGE A WRENCH, YOU CAN DODGE A BALL.
IF YOU CAN DODGE A CAR, YOU CAN DODGE A BALL."

Oh no. First day of my mid-term study break - break TO study, and I make it my break FROM study. I tried to do my Company Law assignment today but I'm just hitting brick walls. I have no inspiration, I want to tear my hair out coz I can't seem to organise anything, I can't find anything online and I'm so consumed with buttlazyithis tt I can't seem to get my fat ass off my chair and drag it down to the library.

However, I CAN drag my ass all the way down to Orchard to meet my Home Team scholars. Or rather, Johnny, Debiao, Kailin, Ivan and Justin. We have lunch at Cineleisure food court (it's OPEN!!! Praise God! The original plan was Sakae sushi buffet nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *anything* but tt!!!) at 3.00pm (YES. LUNCH.), and then we adjourn to PS to watch Dodgeball.

No comments on Dodgeball. Don't feel like a review. Harold and Kumar's funnier, but Dodgeball is funny in a nice violent brainless laugh-at-everyone's-misery way. The usual American comedy.

After tt, it's off to Holland V for din-din with Kai: meatball spaghetti at NYDC and my Frosted Chocolate Malt craving satisfied at Swensen's... And Geox I found Nature Valley Granola Bars at Holland V's Cold Storage!!! Whoohoo! My long and painful search has cumilated in this... *ecstatic* I have my cinnamon and peanut butter bars now. So happy.

And after tt I go for a nice run with Jane! Going Phuture for certain on Wed. Promised like dunno how many people already! But gonna go late coz have chalet before tt. Oh, dammit, cannot restart on assignment.

Bah bah bah...

(note: incoherence of author is due to fact tt entry is being posted at 2.06am, with loud music in background, a lot of program windows open, and a general sense of irritation at self. Author is also disturbed by resemblence of 1 person to someone who used to trouble her. Eep. Not good. Must block out troubled thoughts.)

2:59 AM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

ANNOUNCEMENTS ANNOUNCEMENTS

{insert Monday at 12.50pm. Article of the day: ST Interactive - A Cruel Price for Enduring Freedom. Because it's good for us to know the truth about more things in life.)

Fuck. I need to get my butt off this chair and get back to my Company Law assignment. At this point in time I'm still reading the essays. Highly interesting but the sheer amount of words has taken on a spiders' legs-like visage.

Anyway just wanted to say:

1. I'm at home. For people who are asking, I'm sorry. I like my bed at home a little better. Will be back tomorrow. James: breakfast at Macs this week?
2. I went to collect my race pack for the AHM next Sun. As I examine the race route again I wonder with increasing hysteria why the bloody hell I signed up for a 21km route tt flags off at 5.45am in the morning.
3. For those who have been asking, don't trust everything you read in the Straits Times. Pinch of salt *always* required. BBC news is a more worthy source, unless you want Singapore-only events. And oh yes, YaleGlobal is both informative, objective and well-written. People who want something different should have a look. I love tt site.
4. Need gym/swim and run khaki this week. Resolve...is...low... And I must be able to run 21km by Sun!!!
5. Phuture on Wed. (??)
6. Join dragonboat pls. It's fun. Really.
7. For the chalet thing should I bring my Bailey's along too?
8. NUS Dive Club - NAUI Scuba Diver Course (Basic Open Water) = $375. Dive Trips after certification = $300 +++. Getting a diving licence = priceless. There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's... UH...--
9. NUS Rovers Club - December: 13 Day North Vietname Trekking & Kayaking Adventure Trip. Departs 4 December. Approx $1645... Who wants to go?!
10. Melissa!!! I am saving my tenth earhole for you! When are we piercing???

Now back to Company Law. If I got you thinking, I've achieved my objective.

12:17 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

IF YOU TOLERATE THIS, THEN YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE NEXT

Cue the Manic Street Preachers.

I'm feeling better today, thanks to 3 different types of medication, a good night's rest and my mom's famous mee sua with red rice wine soup. Yum. One thing I love about my parents is how we can have lively spirited discussions about politics and society. I'm hard-pressed to find people on my level that can actually hold a conversation like tt with me without :
a) going totally blank and getting the 'idiot look' when I mention a Shamungam policy
b) telling me how much they support the PAP and what a wonderful job LKY and his son is doing
c) changing the subject to something more interesting... like SHOPPING! "ooh. did see tt new bag at XXXXXX? it's so gorgeous! omg I think I need to get my nails and hair done..." And then I just end up wishing somebody would just *shoot* me.

So today it started out from a Sex and The City ad. My dad is more addicted to the show than I am. He doesn't understand why the bloody Singapore government (okay, to my parents, the whole freaking show is run by the Singapore government) had the series banned for 6 years. I told him tt it was because the people sitting on the bodies of the relavnt boards were all anal-retentive prudes, just as the people who have nothing to do with their time except write complaint letters to the Straits Times Forum or some other half-baked biased medium were equally puritanical stuck-in-their-perfect-world type morons.

I hate this whole substance vs. form thing tt permeates our society more than any other society. Let's face it. Every society has its own demons. Every society has its fair share of sex, drugs, crime etc etc etc, and for some reason or other Singapore tends to want to cover this up more than any other country. We are not perfect. Just because the more eloquent of us happen to come from schools where jack ever happens or families tt are picture-perfect, doesn't mean tt we have to pretend tt the rest of the world is as flowery and as pink as our own little heavens. It's so fucking hypocritically disgusting tt is why for tt very reason I have a particular revulsion for people like these.

My dad was asking about Sheik Haikel and tt comment he made on national radio. And when I told him he was like "That's nothing what." Exactly. Rude? Maybe? Distasteful? Maybe. But for God's sake when you make a bigger issue out of everything by complaining than anything else would have done, is tt ironic or is tt ironic? Are Singaporeans so small-minded tt we have to resort to complaining about the most ridiculous pieces of shit instead of opening our eyes and shutting our mouths for once?

I said I was angry at the state of my generation. Ironically I am a part of this generation, and I am knowingly experiencing and going through the same things as everyone else, and it irks me even more that I have the previlege of awareness but none of the balls of change.

Look at us. We are a self-centred bunch. Our lives revolve around ourselves. Our image, our looks, our weight, our fun activities like shopping, movies, lunches at Sakae or Big Os or NYDC or any other teen hangout. Our knowledge is limited to what bands and what music and what movies and what soccer teams are worth betting on, and our friends are people just like ourselves. So maybe friends are important and valuable, but then why is it tt half of those people we think are our friends like to make snide comments or talk about us behind our backs or be complete bitches and bastards and the next day still treat us like their best buds? And why is it tt we are so caught up with our own personal heavens tt somehow for many of us our families get relegated to the bottom rung of the ladder. Somehow it doesn't strike us how much we mean to our parents who mean so little to us. Sometimes it doesn't strike us how much one call means to them and how little it means to us.

We are a product of our environment, the dis-enfranchised youth. Our education system is shit. We can produce some of the so-called best brains, most brilliant people in the world. Oh yeah, sure. We are fantastic at maths, at calculating, and even better at regurgitating and memorising. Our system places so much emphasis on exams and grades tt we commit suicide if we don't do well enough. We don't care about the value of what we learn - *gasp* you mean there is VALUE in what we learn?! -, we just want more topics taken out of our syllabus so we can cram better for our exams. Is there even an intrinsic value in what we learn? How do we go through almost a quarter of our lives in school, and still behave like bullies at a playground? Education teaches us social etiquette, how to behave, how to present ourselves, but somehow we are seemingly deprived of the morals and values which are tt much more important. We have the innate capacity to reason - at least I think we do - but somehow some of us don't seem to use it.

For girls at least, bimbo-ism is in. You can be a complete bimbo outside of class and it doesn't matter if you get an A for your exams. But personally I think it does, because I would think more of a person who spends at least half her time thinking and reasoning about things in life, rather than just 3 hours about the things in her exam paper.

We are exposed to so much. Our friends, our society. Are pursuit of material things. People, esp the government, blame it on the influx of Western values. Western media. What is good and what is not. But seriously, in the first place Western media is 10, 000 more watcheable than the crap on those Chinese drama serials. I believe that an over-exposure to the chinese drama serials on Channel 8 actually has a capacity to make us more stupid. It's the same plots, same actors, same lines and same bags of tears re-used over and over and over. Somebody just throttle me to death before I kill myself just trying to survive another episode of something like this. You're wasting my time and my money and killing my brain cells for me. Honestly, shows like CSI or Nip/Tuck and movies like Eternal Sunshine are a hell of a lot more worth watching.

The thing is obviously if we are exposed to so much influence, we will behave like tt as well. And especially because our friends and acquaintances are going to want to behave like tt as well, and chances are most of us will conform because if we don't, we get picked on, ostracised and bitched about for being different. Honestly, I don't think Mirscha Barton is pretty. I think she has gorgeous eyes, but too big eyes on tt small a face makes her look like an extra out of ET, and it doesn't help tt she's built like a skeleton. But obviously I know so many people who drool about either a) having a gf like her; or b) looking like her (honestly, you really want to look like an extra out of ET?!), tt if I actually said anything I'd have a couple hundred spears being thrown at me. Why? Coz I say something different.

What I am trying to say is not so much tt the media is putting out very negative influences for us, although tt is the case. Yes, the media is glorifying underweight girls. I heard tt tt Belinda Lee person is super-thin, and I've heard from some girls who've seen her in person how much they want to be as thin as her. And I will tell you now. Okay, no, I don't think I am thin. I know I have massive arms and am damn heavy. But at least I'm healthy. And I'd rather be healthy than stick-thin, underweight and starving myself like Beyonce (I will not survive on 1 lettuce leaf for lunch just to look like her, don't be stupid). But seriously, Belinda Lee is *too thin*. So is Denise Keller, for tt matter. So they're both hot. So they're both models. But you don't *need* to look to look like them. Have some individuality. Be happy with yourself. Look at Catherine Zeta-Jones. She's big, but *so* sexy.

But what I am trying to say is tt, the problem lies with us. We are supposed to have reasoning facilities tt allow us to exercise our freedom of choice, but NO... it's a lot easier to just accept. If Lindsay Lohan can get a boob job, then a boob job is not a bad thing, it's a good thing. If I have to have a BMI of 17 to be hot and sexy the way Beyonce is, then I'll just not eat for a month and see how tt works out.

Oh yeah. Great idea. I totally support you. And if your plan succeeds, I'll come and cry at your funeral 2 weeks from now too.

We're not thinking. We're not deciding enough for ourselves what's good for us and what isn't. Don't condemn the media for their warped morales. It's up to you to decide what is right or wrong for you, and if you can't do tt, then don't blame anyone but yourself.

And lastly, there is politics. No one seems to want to speak up. The assumption tt there are no avenues has been shot down because there are. It just depends on how badly we want to use them. The problem is tt so many of us are so involved in our own lives tt we either a) don't know or b) don't care. How many of us bother to read the newspapers? A lot of the people who do read them beacause some module or other requires tt they do.

Must it be required by the education system? Why can't it be your own interest in the world tt goes on around you?

Very few people know about or care about the government or its implemented policies. Some people haven't even heard of Vivian Balakrishnan, let alone his history or what he's had to say in Parliament or to the press so far. I've had people tell me tt all is well and good with the world and tt the government is doing a great job and we should support them as we always have. OMG. You're putting all your trust in the government to do everything for us without wondering, without questioning? At all?

My mom believes it's because we've been controlled, suppressed, made to think a certain way for so long tt it's just a second nature to be apathetic to our country and not care. If we speak up, we can't change anything, so why bother? Does this all date back to LKY's early policies of control, law and order, everything in the interests of national security? I admit, I blame him partly for the reason why we're the bunch of people we are. What worked in the 1960s doesn't apply here, and I'm glad tt reforms are being made to encourage creativity and diversity in a way tt should have been encouraged 20 years ago, and not just after the 1998 Economic Crash which left 5-6% of Singapore jobless and the government with a lot to answer for the reason of structural unemployment.

My point is: you can't place all your trust in the government. It is not God, even if it thinks it is. You can't let the government handle everything for you just because it's the easiest thing for you to do. If you can't do anything, at least *know* something. And even if you're bitter tt you can't say as much as you want to say for various reasons (like myself), still knowing and analysing is an interest, and it is ultimately tt interest tt will make your life more meaningful for you.

I would like to say tt my life has meaning for me because I know things beyond myself and I have dreams and ambitions tt I hope will impact more than those around myself. My dream is not to make a lot of money and retire by 40. It's not to live in a mansion in Bukit Timah with a red sports car, a dog, a gorgeous husband and 3 kids. Of course I'd love the whole package, but tt's not the end-all of my life. I want to make some kind of difference. I want to be remembered when I die for all the right reasons.

And I want my children to be like me, thinking, reasoning, big-minded people with a mind to see beyond themselves and the little things tt their lives revolve around.

3:31 PM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

SICK TO MY STOMACH. LITERALLY.

The fact tt I get sick only 2 times a year (unless it's a result of extreme stress) is something I would proudly proclaim to people. But then this sickness only related to fever/temperature-rising type illnesses. It doesn't have anything to do with stuff like headaches or stomach-related attacks, of which I get A LOT.

But the ultimate has to be today. I've learnt tt it's possible to have gastritis so bad tt it lasts for 18 hours (and counting). Coz as of 3am last night I've been spending my sleep-time waking up coz of the discomfort and forcing myself to go back to sleep again so many times tt finally I even got a headache. And at 6am I threw up... water.

Sucks like hell. It's not stomach-cramps type painful, but it's highly fucking uncomfortable. The whole day, even now, there's just so much gas in my stomach tt the feeling of the pressure exerted on my insides is making me feel like throwing up constantly, and it doesn't help tt I can't seem to bloody fucking ignore it coz my hands are shaking uncontrollably and I feel so bloody weak.

Ugh. So finally I decided with great reluctance tt I couldn't go for training. I was really hoping for tt today coz I really realy miss water training and rowing and tt's what I look forward to most every week, but kanina I'm fucking sick and I can't even stand or walk around for a long enough period tt I just can't deceive myself into thinking I can row for 2 hours and run after tt.

Argh. So I make tt decision not to go and tell my parents, and they're like: "That's good. Now we don't have to rush for lunch. We can go anywhere to eat appetising food." Uh. Firstly, I don't think I'm well enough to last long car rides. Secondly I'm not in the mood for appetising. I just want something tt will stop the build up of gases in my stomach.

But anyway I tahan for as long as I can in the car while we drive off to dunno-where, and ten minutes away from the venue I happily throw up.

All I've been doing since then is psycho-ing myself to keep all the food I eat down. I tried to be strong and sleep off the gastritis but it has *so* not worked. Woke up this evening with the same bloody discomfort, and I think I am going to take medication after all coz I don't want this bloody feeling to last till tomorrow.

Argh. Right now I wish I could rip out my stomach from my body and put it somewhere. This sucks, feeling like this.

On another note: when I'm feeling a lot better (i.e. when I don't feel like throwing up anymore and when the gases in my stomach stop their fucking expansion process), I wanna eat mee sua soup again. I like the one at the NUS Arts Canteen with the minced meat and mushrooms actually.

On another another note: I like the Army advert on Will's blog tt says "Not for fame. Not for fortune. Then for f**k?"

Uh. Feel like throwing up again. Bye bye.

10:34 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

(A) PE(A)CE OF (MY) MIND

Peace of mind or a piece of my mind? I don't know, honestly, coz right now I'm feeling very mixed. Am currently at home checking email and doing mass printing. I'm so amused at the email I'm reading tt it's not even funny anymore. I don't see why we even bother organising all these group outings to "meet up" once a year and to "rekindle" what ever is left of our friendship, if there was even one to begin with, when literally everyone cannot make it for some reason or other. Which includes driving, staying home to care for baby brother, going out with gf, etc etc etc.

Let's face it, 1 thing I learnt today in my Company Law tutorial - which went 1/2 an hour over time - is tt if you really want to do something, you can damn well fucking do it. That is why judges are reluctant to allow miscreant directors who breach their fiduciary duties by abusing their powers to give the excuse tt they did so because the company lacked (financial) resources and they were working for the good of the company.

Fuck tt (ok, so my tutor didn't say this but she might as well could have). If the company wants to get an asset or takeover another company badly enough, it will go ALL OUT to get what it wants. So applying it to the human race (altho there obviously isn't a need to coz it's an age-old thing), same thing. Let's face it, you don't really want to meet up. "Another time?" "See you later?" Please baby they're fucking leaving in less than 1 week. So cut the hypocritical friendship want-to-meet-up act. I've been seeing so much wayang shit I'm so fucking jaded already.

Okay. Rant over. I want to go Phuture next Wed but I have dragonboat chalet. PLEASE can I leave after dinner so I can mambo? Please Please PLEASE? I'll be a real good girl after tt! (in any case after mid-terms I doubt I'll have the chance again *bites nails in horror*)

Today I satisfied my craving for Sakae Sushi. I also met up with Yuwei 1 last time before December. It feels like such a long while, but I know I didn't utilise my time with her because:

a) I was fucking hungry coz I didn't eat lunch and I was only eating at 4.30pm
b) I was in a fucking pissed off bad mood. But it dissapated with food and her friendship (and the apology helped a lot). Hope you're not still guilty girl, coz I'm not angry anymore. Hey, look on the bright side, at least I was able to tell you I was angry instead of boiling in silence. Muahaha. Oh, and I love you still.

One thing tt strikes me is tt we never make plans to meet up till friends are about to leave. Like this whole 4 months she was in Singapore, and we never met up more than 5 times at most, until she's about to leave. Same with Hsien and Mark and whoever else I've met. Similarly, I never meet up with my *Singapore* friends in NTU/NS until these UK/US people return from their respective countries and we have these reminiscing class re-gatherings. It's sad. It's almost hypocritical. I'd say there's a highly fucked up quality about this. I know I have myself to blame partly coz I could have made more effort to meet up with them more when I had the chance. But it seems like some fucked up fact of the world. You ALWAYS take people for granted till they're never there anymore.

My dad's been sick the whole week. He called me up on Monday and told me he was going to die. My mom's been driven up the wall by his whining ever since. I love my parents to death, but let's just say my dad needs A LOT of TLC, loves attention and is a bit of a hypochondriac, whereas my mom is more like the strong silent type. And my mom is like me in the respect tt the more you want us to pamper you, the more we'll ignore you. So as a result he's driven her nuts. When I came home tonight and spoke to her privately she had this slightly wild, desperate look in her eyes and told me tt he was driving her into a depression. And my dad keeps saying "Your mom doesn't understand me. Wait till I die then you know."

If you've been wondering why I've turned out the way I have, welcome to the Tan family.

Nonetheless, yes, I love my parents to death. And yes, I am a lot like them.

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

Besides tt, Resident Evil: Apocalypse is coming out in 2 weeks time. And New Police Story is coming out next week. How exciting. Fuck. But I have 3 assignments tt I haven't even fucking started on, and just as bad, Army-Half Marathon in 2 weeks. I'm fucking screwed.

But would like to share a couple of things with everyone anyway. Just random Words of Wisdom taken from various sources tt I hope to remember and live by:

1. Everything is the same, even if it's different. (from the movie "I *Heart* Huckabees")

2. Loneliness is the source of emptiness.( paraphrasedfrom Our Daily Bread. "God made us for intimacy and companionship with others. Even before sin entered the world, He declared that it is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). That's why many people often feel so empty inside.")

3. Ask not what your friends can do for you, but what *you* can do for your friends. (bastardised from Winston Churchill. Basically it means tt instead of wondering why your friends don't seem to be valuing you the way you wish they would, you should take the initiative and show them tt you care first. Because tt's all you have the capacity to do, anyway.)

4. It doesn't matter how rich you are, who you are (or who your daddy or mommy is), how hot or sexy or gorgeous you look, where you stay and what car you drive, how "in" you are and where you club on Weds and/or Fris, intellectual you are, what IQ you have or how you did on your SATs and/or exams etc...

Because if you can't respect people, if you can't give them the minimum face we give another human being, then you're nothing. You really are nothing. (taken from Sharada's blog. Beautiful stuff. Stuff I think *I* need a lesson in.)

P.S. On a totally unrelated note, I *hate* browsing blogs with background music. Because my playlist is *always* on whenever my comp is on, and not only is the double-layer of songs *highly* *fucking* irritating, but 9 out of 10 times my playlist is playing a tune 10, 000 better than the one on that blog itself. This is also why for this reason I keep my blog completely tuneless. I try not to subject people to my own audio-sensory pain.

11:19 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

MOVIES I WANT TO WATCH:

1. Garden State (watch the trailer. it gives me goosebumps every time.)
2. Enduring Love (the movie version based on the book by Ian McEwan) -
"obsession is forever"
3. Alfie
4. When Will I Be Loved - "you can have everything you want, except the one thing you need"
5. Team America: World Police (from the creators of South Park)
6. Shall We Dance? (ballroom dancing, hot latin moves, and J.Lo. what more can you ask for?)
7. The Motorcycle Diaries (the early life of Che Guerrero, as taken from his memoirs) - "let the world change you, and you can change the world"
8. Taxi (Jimmy Fallon; Queen Latifah. If you can laugh during the trailer, how do you think the movie will be like?)
9. Blade Trinity (vampires, action, cool music and gadgets. oh yeah.)
10. Resident Evil: Apocalypse. (because "my name is Alice... and I remember everything.")
11. New Police Story (Jackie Chan. Nic Tse. don't ask.)
12. Meet The Fockers. ('nuff said.)
13. Alexander (Colin Farell and Angelina Jolie. Ooh.)
14. Batman Begins.

...the thing is... NONE of these movies are out yet. Aiyah...

11:35 AM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

...just ate 3 big cookies from Pepperidge Farm. You know, the ones with the white chocolate and macadamia nut chunks tt taste like heaven but whop more calories than a full meal?

guess this satisfies it. i'm fatter but happier.

3:00 AM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

just a message: if you think something is wrong with
a) me
b) my relationship with me

call me on my phone or drop me an SMS.
ask to meet up. lunch dinner coffee or beer, it's all good.

don't say nothing. don't leave mass messages and hope i'll read between the lines. don't talk bad about me behind my back and think i won't know because i am a very sensitive person and i can infer a lot more things than you think.

just a note.

1:08 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

IF THERE WAS ONE THING I COULD CHANGE ABOUT MYSELF...

Perfectionism would be it.

I wish I wasn't such a perfectionist. I wish I didn't keep placing such fucking ridiculously high standards on myself. I wish I would just stop trying to do everything and do everything well, and accomodate everyone and make everyone happy.

You know, you were right. I care too much what people think. I live too much for others and not for myself. I wish I could just cut myself a lot of slack. It saves a lot of self-directed pain, anger, guilt, and stops me from doing stupid things in bids to escape my own self-loathing, hence embarking on a cycle of self-destruction.

I hate loathing myself just because I couldn't do something well enough. I need to learn to let go, but again I seem to have lost tt capacity to. I seem to have lost the capacity for a lot of things, and tt seriously fucks me up.

I don't know why I'm so angry right now. It's with myself and with the people around me. It's the little things tt they have or have not done, but although it's not substantial reason for me to feel this sense of revulsion, I guess logically speaking it all adds up.

Right now I wish I could be like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho and just get rid of all the sources of my negative energy by exterminating them, but unfortunately they happen to be the people I love and I suppose once I do tt I'll just feel 10, 000 times worse.

Okay, maybe I should just give myself some down time and relax and listen to happy no-brainer music and stay by myself until my loathing (both self and others-directed) subsides.


...

too many layers, too many pretensions, i don't know whether to trust what you say anymore.

why do you always ask where i am? understand tt you care but it just gets on my nerves again and again. and bugging. and everything. and i know i shouldn't give a fuck coz no one else does, but i can't help it coz i know how much i mean to you, and i wish you could just mean more to me.

why do you seek to question me and rule my life? it's happened again for the god knows how manyeth fucking time. you've gone and blown things way out of fucking proportion. and while it got so bad once i feel strangely detached. have i really changed? i guess. i think i have. for better or worse? i don't know. what i do know is tt i am in control of my life. i am not bouncing off the walls or screwing things up. i am not listening to people's advice and taking it all blindly. i reason, i rationalise, and i follow what i accept. i don't follow everything for the simple reason tt i am not you and i don't intend to be you, nor do i agree with everything you do. funny how of all the friends who know, you're the one who took things the most personally.

i hate myself. at this point in time, i hate myself. so i'll say it a couple hundred times more over. i hate myself. i hate the way i look. i am fat and ugly. i hate tt i'm not smart enough, tt i don't seem to have the discipline to study hard enough. i hate the fact tt i am so unfit. i can't run fast or far and training always kills me. i hate my social skills. i have none. i am a sad outcast misfit with no friends and i don't know how to make any. and all my current friends are half-baked. like me.

i hate myself. i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.

11:54 PM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

BLIND MAN'S MUSICAL CHAIRS

Just came back from Phuture. Okay, correction: came back from Phuture, bathed and did laundry. I should *so* be sleeping now. It's almost 4-fucking-30am and I have a lecture at 9am tomorrow, my Prop Law tut as well as *training*.

But anyway, on to my short entry. Yes yes yes, I went Phuture. Big deal. I haven't gone since fucking *July* which fucking kills me. So tonight I went with Jane and Sam. Of course, before clubbing I will shower. And the problem with tt is tt I wash my face with this anti-acne facial foam tt I have.

So happily, soap gets into my eye. Fuck. Anti-acne facial foam in my eyes hurts like hell. I wash it out with water until I think it's okay.

So for the rest of the entire fucking night I am tearing. It looks like my left eye is crying, and tho it isn't painful it's damn fucking uncomfortable. My mascara is running, my eye is swollen and red, and I'm so fucking pissed off with the tears I have to wipe away while dancing. WTF?

As of 1.30am 1 of my contact lenses is now on the floor of Phuture. I gave up on the fucking thing.

Besides being blind, another thing about tonight is how Musical-chairish Phuture is. Coz it's currently NTU's mid-term break, the place is swarming with NTU people. That's totally ok, except tt I think NTU guys are seriously desperate. Within the space of 1 night (and I'm talking from 1 am to 3 am coz Jane, Sam and I only made it to the club around 12.15am and by the time we got our drinks and moved through to Phuture's DJ console it was about 1am), 5 guys danced behind me... one at a time. I don't know how they do it. First it's this guy in blue, then red, then white, then dark purple, then red again. And we were moving (away) so much it was crazy.

But anyway those are just the downsides. Other than tt, Phuture was helluva enjoyable. Firstly I was with Sam and Jane, and tonight's Girls' Night Out with them was absolutely fun! I love Sam's red tube. She looks really hot tonight (then again Jane *always* looks hot too). The hair's gorgeous.

Secondly, all I needed to loosen up was 1 Flaming Lambo. Nice. Didn't get drunk, certainly didn't get high, but was relaxed enough. Relaxed is good.

Thirdly, the music was great. Maybe it's coz we didn't come for so long so it didn't seem so static. Maybe it's coz we came later, and the later night music always sounds better. Maybe we were just excited. Hey, the company and the crowd were good after all. Really helped the atmosphere.

Fourthly, I got uh... picked up 5 times. Okay, unofficially. Officially it was only twive. But the thing is one of the most fun things about singlehood is tt you can flirt like hell absolutely guilt-free. I love dancing and I love the attention, I'll admit. So it was pretty great.

Except the second guy in red was a bit of a miscomm. He was wearing a beanie and behaving really flamboyantly, and coz he reminded me so much of someone, I was laughing at his antics. And the thing was he took it to mean I was attracted to him. I was like "Shit! No!" And I was trying to avoid having to dance with him by trying to drag Jane to the toilet, but they were playing In The Club and she didn't want to leave.

Fortunately I think he got the hint. Must have been the desperate way my hands were gripping Jane's arms really tightly and I was trying my best to squirm away from him.

And then the fifth guy was the ultimate. Once the lights came on I left with Jane and Sam quickly. But as we were walking towards BP to get a drink he came up behind me suddenly and wanted to talk to me. But the truth is (and I told him) that I was not interested. At all. No propositions. I like the fun of clubbing and dancing, but not anything else.

Oh well. So half-blind and sufficiently happy with even achier calves, I came back here. So tired now but my hair is still wet. Dammit I hope I can wake up in time tomorrow. *crosses fingers*

5:35 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

"ON THESE BOATS

RIDE THE HOPES OF

WORKING CLASS BOYS"

"....dreaming of girls from faraway points

and better things

like winter flings

and longing after spring has sprung

they fly north when winter's done

and we get burned in summer's sun"

This is my fave part of this song 'Songbirds and Townies' by a band known as

Further Seems Forever. Which not tt many people will know probably coz its songs

may not find its way to radio. 

Oh well.

Anyway a bit on a blog about my day.

The day. Let's see... I woke up bright and early for my lecture - and as usual to fall

asleep during the damn thing. Fuck I think my lecturer looks like he belongs on an

all-male performing ballet troupe.

So I shelve my plans to go to the infamous Law-freeze-library and come back to crash

and get some Prop and Company done. Ooooooo-kay.

Guess what? I watch 2 movies instead: Zoolander and American Psycho.

Both are pretty good in their own ways, and I really recommend you watch the former if  

you like movies tt allow you to leave your brain at the door and just laugh your way

through Ben Stiller's 'Magnum's and 'Blue Steel's, and the latter if you like psychological

thrillers or just fascinating yet disturbing pieces which are incredibly dressed up.



But yes, so much for sleep and study. I mean, in between tt and downloading some

songs off Garden State - like tt Iron and Wine cover of 'Such Great Heights' and

Coldplay's Don't Panic and both The Shins' songs (so exciting!!! I cannot *wait* for

the movie to come out!), I got my Prop Law tut done. Admittedly quite shoddily and

without reading my Binions v Evans and other assorted cases, but it's a START!



And after tt I dragged my lazy butt - with incredibly achy calf muscles (what the HELL

have I been doing) to training, and then dinner with my team mates. KWAY CHUP!

KWAY CHUP! With the intestines and tau kwa! I LOVE kway chup! Altho admittedly

Melissa wasn't amused by the taste of the intestine she tried. Muahaha.

Cheer up babe. Want you to know tt I love you.

After tt it's grocery shopping with Geox , and lotsa lotsa yoghurt and juice for me! Yippee!

I have even more comfort food now. That is cold.

And then I walk through the door of my room when I reply this message from

Shaocong telling me he'd been thinking of asking me out for a jog, and I ask "When

and where?"

Next thing I know he's calling me and asking me how long it takes for me to change

into running gear.

Well. Considering tt even my SOCKS were still on, less than 1 minute (but I told him

5).

And so we endeavor, me with full slightly indigested stomach (must be the intestines!)

and achy calf muscles, to jog 1 round round NUS. We give up once he starts intro-ing

me to some of the songs on his iPod, like another Iron and WIne song called "Naked

as we came", which I kind of like. Very Simon and Garfunkel. There were other

guys like Ryan Adams and a uh... Gary Jill (or something like tt) who did covers of

Wonderwall and Mad World, but tt guy didn't grow on me so much. I think I have a

slight bias against covers. Oh well.

So FINALLY we get back to my hall, watch MORE game trailers off gametrailers.com

(not tt I don't do enough on my own already!!!), such tt now I want to try Devil May

Cry as well (Ugh!!!) , and then when he leaves I get to vaccuum my room and do

my laundry and other miscellaneous house-keeping stuff.



And now it's 1.20am already and I haven't done very much work-wise and I think I'm

kind of fucked. But I can't wait for Big Os and yummy chocolate and cheese cake

tomorrow.

SNOWBIRDS AND TOWNIES

 - by Further Seems Forever

fountains and florescent lights

the season has come

the snowbirds are crowding the nights.

the townies are tired of their beaches and bars

being packed so tight

the bridges and traffic and in this selecting their flight.



and on these boats

ride the hopes of...

working class boys, dreaming of girls from faraway points

and better things

like winter flings

and longing after spring has sprung

and they fly north when winter's done

and we get burned in summer's sun



fountains and florescent lights

the season has come

the snowbirds are crowding the nights.

townies and tourists find unlikely love at first sight

and swear that they're never leaving,

and that is their plight



and on these boats

ride the hopes of...

working class boys, dreaming of girls from faraway points

and better things

like winter flings

and longing after spring has sprung

they fly north when winter's done

and we get burned in summer's sun



this winter is lasting forever

at least for tonight

and i know that you're never leaving

until your flight takes you off

and out of my arms

and into the air

so far from your charms

that I cannot bear

another year

in this long forgotten beach town we once shared



and this winter is lasting forever

at least for tonight

and i know that you're never leaving,

never leaving me again



not again

2:20 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

American Psycho is a movie tt I think is psychologically brilliant. You get into the mind and daily life of a sociopath who's young, rich, classy, good-looking, great body, has everything going for him, and in his free time, outside of wining and dining and working at his classy firm and exercising and going for spas, facials and salons, in between social life and girlfriend and all the kiss asses tt surround him, he finds the time to go out at night and kill people. Wear his classic black leather gloves and stab a homeless man to death. Play a Huey Lewis song and chop up his colleague with an axe.

And all this time as you know, he talks to you. You're the voice in his head. And he tells you how he doesn't identify with the human race. He doesn't understand the human race. He is human himself, all flesh and blood, but other human beings fill him with disgust.

And somehow as he monologues to you how he thinks and feels, you understand him.

Even more scary, you relate to him.

In fact, you are damn sure tt if you had a heart just tt bit harder and a disgust just tt little bit greater (okay, NONE of tt narcisissm tho), you might actually find the notion of murder a little more than just fascinating.

4:55 PM - 2 eprops - 3 comments - email it

Of all the movies that I want to watch this year, the one I *really* am dying to see is this film called Garden State. Because it looks like another Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, another non-main stream deep yet quirky movie tt will bring a smile to my face, tears to my eyes, and the lingering thought tt I won't be wasting my money coz I'll be taking some part of that film home with me.

And besides tt, Garden State has an amazing soundtrack.

1. Don't Panic - Coldplay
2. Caring Is Creepy - The Shins
3. In The Waiting Line - Zero 7
4. New Slang - The Shins
5. I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You - Colin Hay
6. Blue Eyes - Cary Brothers
7. Fair - Remy Zero
8. One Of These Things First - Nick Drake
9. Lebanese Blonde - Thievery Corporation
10. The Only Living Boy In New York - Simon & Garfunkel
11. Such Great Heights - Iron and Wine (the original version of this song was done by The Postal Service, a band which I happen to like a lot)
12. Let Go - Frou Frou
13. Winding Road - Bonnie Somerville

SUCH GREAT HEIGHTS
- by The Postal Service

I am thinking it's a sign

that the freckles in our eyes

are mirror images

and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.



And I have to speculate

that God Himself did make

us into corresponding shapes

like puzzle pieces from the clay.



And true it may seem like a stretch

but it's thoughts like this that catch

my troubled head when you're away

and when I am missing you to death.



And when you are out there on the road

for several weeks of shows

and when you scan the radio

I hope this song will guide you home.



they will see us waving from such great heights

"come down now" they'll say

but everything looks perfect from far away

"come down now" but we'll stay



I tried my best to leave

this all on your machine

but the persistent beat

it sounded thin upon the sending.



and that frankly will not fly

you'll hear the shrillest highs

and lowest lows with the windows down

and this is guiding you home.



they will see us waving from such great heights

"come down now" they'll say

but everything looks perfect from far away

"come down now" but we'll stay



they will see us waving from such great heights

"come down now" they'll say

but everything looks perfect from far away

"come down now" but we'll stay



they will see us waving from such great heights

"come down now" they'll say

but everything looks perfect from far away





"come down now" but we'll stay

1:01 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

I want a Frosted Chocolate Malt from Swensen's now Now NOW!!!

2:20 AM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

BECAUSE YOU ASKED *wink*

For Sue. :)



...my gorgeous new white skirt. To be worn with black/white tops. :)



...and my new comfy yet classic black heels. Was to be worn with jeans and stuff but I think it will suit the new skirt purrrfectly. :)

Me is a happy girl.

...

Speaking of which, since I took the photos of the goodbuys at various points of my room, decided to give you a little sneak peek into what else there is.

First of all there is my blue pin-up notice board, where my collection of the drawings I used to do.

Above is my 5-day schedule which allows me to plan in appointments and stuff in my free time (which is currently gone to the dogs), accompanied by one of my sketches. On the right is another piece of paper with more experimental sketches. I'm still pretty rusty from not drawing for years, but I think with practice I'll get the hang of it. Buaya Week was just a start for the return to drawing for me. And it helps destress me. Yay.



And above is my snack shelf. It's a bit depleted coz 2 Strawberry Pocky's, 1 chocolate Yan Yan, 1 box of Meiji chocolate, 1 Kinder Bueno, 3 packets of Cheese Combos and 1 packet of Knowles mushroom soup is missing, but yet, I have enough food to last me through a mini-war! Okay, maybe a 2 day war. But STILL. My legendary white bowl/cup is missing from the shelf (it's a cup tt's the size of a bowl. Perfect for soup and everything). But yes, tt is real Bailey's. Rem in June I happily took a photo of mommy and baby Bailey. Yes, I've cruelly separated mommy Bailey from her baby and brought her here. As of right now all I need are:

1. shot glasses.
2. drinking buddies.

And we can get a party started already.

Oops. I think I better get back to Licences soon. Party during the 1 week break, consider? :) All we need now are Ben and Jerry's. Tubs and tubs and tubs.

1:27 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

(RETAIL) THERAPY

Okay, I needed it, so I got it. Therapy.

Surprise surprise. Woke up this morning on time for lecture. Actually it was more thanks to my hallmate than my alarm clock, coz she was the one who effectively got me jumping out of bed. Yay! Thankz! :)

And then lecture actually went ok coz I could alternate between hastily typing out stuff, downloading cases off Lexis, and playing Bush Shoot-out from addictinggames.com. Muahaha. And after lecture I had a two hour Bridge session with Joanna, Joanne, Clarissa and Mario, which played out like a smart/strategic yet incredibly bimbo thing. Everyone's a bimbo. And now I can call myself IsoBim if I wanted to.

Trial Advo on the other hand... is strange. Okay, admittedly I fell asleepright infront of Lim Lei Theng, which was horrific coz I *knew* she knew I was sleeping but I *really* couldn't help myself goddammit. Argh.

After tt, met Marky-Mark at the Heeren. Had so-called 'tea' of deep-fried calamari and cheese knacker sausages with mashed potato, decent (ok, not as decent as the Rice Table one but ever bit as precious) conversation and happy shopping experience. Although admittedly it was more my perverse nature than any real need, to drag Mark to shops like Basic Beauty and PK Computer and adidas and Flash n Splash. Altho I was looking for tt Billabong laptop cover tt I wanted. Dammit they don't have it tho. Oh well.

And so we walked from Heeren to Taka with me filling his ears and head with whatever new-fangled ideas I had in it, and I succumbed to temptation and bought another pair of flip-flops from Royal Sporting House. At 6pm we met Hsien and then both of us had dinner at Nooch, me with spicy minced meat ramen and Hsien with her salmon avocado salad and all. The agedashi tofu tt was ordered and was 'cooking' the entire time we were there never came, so we shared the mango and glutinous rice dissert instead, talked some more, and went shopping.

This time while looking for my lappie cover, I got myself yet another pair of sandals - black heels this time, and this incredibly gorgeous whit skirt with huge black flowers. I love it I love it I love it. It was quite an impulse splurge but I don't think it's something I regret. Swear it matches the heels.

So retail therapy, 2 of my closest friends, and really good food, has done a lot to make me feel a million times better. Oh no, and Friends has ended forever and ever and ever! :( But I managed to catch the last of the lastest episode! Go me!!! :)

Quote of the night: "There is no left falangee."

11:32 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

...and i just wish tt i could tell my parents right now face-to-face how much i love them and how sorry i am tt i can't be an even better daughter, but i'm not even at home anymore. fuck.

10:22 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

THE END IS THE BEGINNING IS THE END

Smashing Pumpkins has a song by this title. I liked tt song coz of this title. Have decided to close the subject on how humanity sucks. Not because I've seen the light and decided tt it's not as bad as I imagine and tt we can change people, but because my own whinyness is irritating the hell out of me.

So subject closed. Just excuse me if from now my tone towards things is a little different.

So anyway well, 1 week is over. Or rather yet another hell week has ended, but another one is beginning soon. Ignoring all the fucking crap tt this whole week/weekend has thrown at me, it's otherwise been pretty good. Dragonboat training, though very tiring, never fails to lift my spirits. Have realised tt I am not a bad a rower as I thought. And parents have returned. Is good to see them again, even if my mood all week has been horrible.

Am irritated. But already said I wasn't going to delve into tt subject, so I'm leaving it.

Change of subject.

Oh. Interjection. Since I am in such an irritable mood, am particularly intolerant of cutesy girly behaviour. If I hear another "so cute, so cute!", another purr or "aw" or if someone else tells me to stop being so mean and cynical and look at the beauty of life, I will do something really really mean. So just a warning. If you belong in any of the above categories, stay out of my way. I don't care, I don't have time for this.

Back to subject.

Somehow I feel like something is missing in my life. I'm involved in all kinds of commitments. I'm a law student, and a completely inadequate one at tt. I have a sense of foreboding tt I will fail my 2nd year coz I can't seem to catch up with my work. I'm a dragonboater, and altho it seems to be something I really really love and makes me whole etc, but somehow I feel like it's taking up so much time and commitment. I'm a hostelite, and so I feel this sense of necessity to do something for my hall and block and neighbours etc, but I just feel like everything I do leads to a dead end and I just feel tired, drained and unaccomplished. I'm now a cell group leader and I have this obligation to be holy and pious and more than tt, NICE, and for tt reason I am beginning to think tt it is a mistake for me to have taken on this extra duty, even if according to my parents, "You just can't turn God down." Argh. And then there is the role of friend, which I know I am so not fulfilling because I'm rarely ever seeing or talking to my friends. It's been ages since I last had a heart-to-heart conversation with any of them, and just trying to clear some space in my schedule is just so much of an effort I can't make. Lastly, there is the role of daughter and responsiblity to my parents, and once again I feel like I'm failing at this coz I seem to lack tt energy or positive attitude tt I usually have around them. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents to bits and I really want to make them happy, but right now it just seems like I'm in such a fucked up preoccupied state of things tt no matter how understanding they are, I just can't show them the kind of love I have for them, and it just makes me so angry with myself.

And inspite of all this, I still feel like my life is missing something. Something important. It's like there is more to life than what I currently have, but I don't know what it is. And even if I did know, would I be able to pursue it? Or maybe it's tt sense of love and hope and positive attitude tt I have seemed to lost somewhere along the way in between juggling my commitments and people and just losing my temper and therefore my faith in them.

It's one thing to change people who want to change, and another when they just seem stuck in their own fucked up worlds. And so you lose hope and you get hurt and frustrated and disappointed and you ask yourself: What is the point? What is the point in caring? Bastards don't care, so therefore why should you? And tt explains apathy. Apathy is the easiest - not the best, probably, but the easiest - solution to avoiding pain and hurt and disappointment. You get to use your energy on things tt will actually have benefits, like your own work, your own life, your own tasks, rather than on things tt you can't control and probably won't get any returns from.

Oh well, maybe I'll just go expend my energy in investing in the stock market or something.

10:11 PM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

"ON SHODDY HUMANITY"

"Jude dropped behind. He was an unsophisticated boy, but the gift
of sudden insight which is sometimes vouchsafed to children showed
him all at once what shoddy humanity the quack was made of."
-- Jude The Obscure, by Thomas Hardy

In JC one of the books I did for literature was this. And although the book was long and bleak and written in a way tt I usually wouldn't enjoy, it resonated with me for the bitter cynicism that laced some of the so-called hopeful chapters in its pages.

And one of the quotes I never forgot was that of this: shoddy humanity.

Everyday as the world turns, I believe more and more deeply that humanity truly is shoddy. That for all my idealism and hope, we humans aren't worth much. We could be crushed like ants under someone's foot for all we are worth. Are we all tt self-important? That valued?

Once I wanted to be a better person, wanted to be a nicer person, wanted to hope and dream and love.

Now I've decided to be what I used to be. Bitter, jaded and cynical.

Coz humanity sucks.

7:09 PM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

"i feel very marginalised from your life"

how do you tell someone tt it's not true? when it is? i haven't been caught up with new people and new activities as you've imagined, i've been caught up in WORK. in panicking. in mugging. in becoming a fucking pissed off angry self-loathing loner hermit chao mugger.

but the truth is tt i know. i know tt in the course of things i've been neglecting you. i've been so caught up in my own cycle of work and pushing myself and staying away from everyone, tt you're just one of the people i've stayed away from.

and i don't really want to explain it. i'm tired, i don't see the point, and i don't think you'll understand it anyway. i wasn't distancing myself from you. i wasn't abandoning you. i just wasn't making the kind of effort i used to to meet up with you. i don't really feel like apologising coz it's something everyone - even you - has done before, but fuck it why should i feel so guilty?

coz i don't like letting down my friends. but then again i've let down my friends and they've let me down and life has gone on as it always has and friends are friends are friends and somehow you just accept and move on.

i don't know. i feel so bad and so guilty, and yet at the same time there is this defensive fucked up indignance and to be honest i really just feel like not caring. i don't feel like i have the energy or the inclination to bother. it's like apathy.

just plain simple apathy.

fuck lah.

9:58 AM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

GOODBYE FUCKED-UP WEEK, HELLO (HOPEFULLY) BETTER WEEKEND

Whoa. Massive.

That's how I would described my week. From Tuesday I was going through massive ups and downs. Tuesday was an up with a damn good trial advo tutorial at Drew and Napier with a damn nice lawyer advo tutor who gave us insights into ethical etc. issues in legal practice, and then piercing my ears (yet again) and meeting my OG freshies to watch Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle after tt. And yes, the movie was utterly 'leave your brains at the door get used to seeing butts and boobs (a little)' hilarious. :) Loved tt movie.

On Wednesday it was a DOWN. Like major massive downer. Missed my 9am lecture and woke up ONLY in time for FCG meeting, which I was running late for. But had to go for since as of now I am a cell group leader, even though my faith is at Ground Zero level. But like Renita said, "Look at it this way: it CAN'T get any worse." And actually the sharing was kind of good coz it gave me a little hope. It's one of those things where you feel like you're beyond God's grace, and then you find out tt every day is just a constant struggle, but if Saint Paul could go from 'chief sinner to saint', then maybe there is some hope left for me, and tt God isn't abandoning me. In fact, I just re-learnt tt it's not by my strength, but God's, tt I can juggle so many things and be subject to so many things and somehow still at the end of the day, just cope. Amen for tt.

But after tt, once I went into the library and opened up my Corporate Governance notes and referred to Walter Woon, I was like... fuck. Everything could have been written in Greek for all it was worth.

That started off a major panic. A seriously major panic. Everyone was so sure of what to read and what cases were saying what and which statute was saying what and what concepts were there and I was just this major blur. And at tt moment I actually hated myself. Actually really hated myself.

On Wed night I didn't sleep. At all. Just did Property Law till 7.30am the next morning. Oh, but with a nice break in between, when my buaya came into my room and sang 'Wonderful Tonight' to me. Yes yes, I'm a sucker for things like this. Muahaha. And he was like 'your buaya asked me to dedicate this song to you' but I already KNEW he was my buaya. Aiyoh. And I drew so much stuff for him too. Think this week is the only time I go back to drawing. Muahaha. Oh and I watched Mean Girls and Laws of Attraction too. I liked Mean Girls and Laws of Attraction was so nice. Pierce Brosnan quoted case law to prove the binding legality of marriage. Muahaha.

And of course, for the first time in the week (ok, maybe 2nd time) I actually managed to make it for my 9am lecture on time. And of course, in spite of my best efforts I fell asleep in lecture. And while studying for company. And during Prop tutorial.

Yippee.

I didn't think I would have survived dragonboat training, but I did. In fact it was THE highlight of my week. Yes training was tough. Yes the run nearly killed me. I was so blur I couldn't see anything in sight. I ran unconscious, almost crashing into everything from bus barriers to electrical boxes and tripping over uneven pavement and bus stop steps. Yes gym was a bummer. But after tt I felt so happy and high tt the feeling was incredible.

And I was so knocked out tt I slept all the way till morning after dinner, waking up just in time to join Geox for breakfast at Macs and rush my Company Law tut. And then I got to go buy Combos cheese pretzels from co-op (yummie), make it for a good Company Law tut where I had to present the question for my group - and in spite of having to do A LOT of smoking and giving embarassing wrong answers, I actually did ok - and then CLT lecture was a nice entertaining discourse on French Civil Law tt I survived and understood despite never having prepared my readings.

So now I'm back in my room munching on cheese pretzels and watching blood and body parts in Resident Evil before dinner. Go me.

7:34 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

It's official. I am fucked for law.
I am at a stage where death actually seems more inviting than trying to catch up.

8:11 PM - 4 eprops - 4 comments - email it

AND SO IT CAME TO BE

My training plans were disrupted by the threat of rain, the vicissitudes of life, a general lethargy, and the poetic call of sleep. And then there was the Opening of Buaya Week, which disrupted my grand plan to go to Law Library and do my trial advo affadavit evidence in chief (AEIC for short, but the whole name has this pompous grandiose ring to it) for my tutorial in Drew and Napier tonight.

Yes, yadda yadda yadda. I have to go down to Raffles Place to this huge law firm (probably with parquet flooring and stuff) at 6pm - when my dragonboat training starts. *sigh* But aarr....!!! I'm so excited! My first law firm visit. :) Sooooo exciting. Okay, admittedly this is spillover coz I'm watching 13 Going On 30 from the comforts of my own room as I type, so I'm a little overwhelmed by the rushing onset of re-teenagehood all over again. Okay, script is a little weak and story is a little stiff, but apart from tt I'm enjoying the ride.

Amazing. I don't remember being quite so happening when I was 13. When I was 13, I only knew baggy black shirts, jeans, angst, goth and HTML.

Anyway muahaha. I have a buaya and a buayee. It's amazing how big Buaya Week is in hall. It seems like THE event. Am amused. 'Marry Mes!' are up on the wall. Muahaha. And yes, last night I slept at 4am trying to do the damned AEIC As such, as usual, I overslept my lecture and woke up at 11.30am. Go me.

So now after sending the AEIC draft to my partner Debbie, I'm slacking in my room (SO not in the mood to Prop Law right now) till my FCG meeting at 2pm. Ren's asked me to be a CGL even though I'm really skeptical - hello? I'm like a super-unCatholic Catholic. When people find out I'm Catholic they look stunned. Right. So anyway yep, got time to watch 1 full movie. Then maybe hop down to Co-op to stock up on supplies (i.e. food like Pocky and Meji chocolates), get lunch and between meeting and my tutorial maybe go to the gym. If my arms stop aching so much from last night's session.

Yeeargh.

Ooh. Current quote I like: "That man?! Gross."

1:51 PM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

THE WORLD IS THAT MUCH BIGGER THAN YOU
("Russian School Siege: Part Deux)

And so the blame has started. The dust has settled, the dead have been/are being buried, and the town picks up the pieces, half a world away. Bloodstains have been cleaned off the floor, the tears dry slowly, and the anger has finally come. The anger is all they have left, after all.

Beslan. The town is small, but the name is not unheard of. You would have heard of it if you'd followed the Russian/Chechen episodes. Sort of like India/Pakistan and Israeli/Palestinian, no? The 2002 bombing of Moscow and the 132 civilians who were killed, or the even more recent double plane bombings tt left no survivors.

"Who dunnit?" That was what they wanted to know of To Kill A Mockingbird, and "Who dunnit?" That the question they ask now. "It's the terrorists!" is the automatic unthinking answer. "It's got to be the Muslims. The goddamned bloody Muslims." "No, it's the Al-Qaeda! I don't know how or why or what links them to this, but by God it's the Al-Qaeda."

Fingers have been pointed. And not just at the so-called terrorists - of whom there is no one right answer, with many different groups having come together for a common objective - and also the reason why it is difficult to pin down yet another 'terrorist attack' to the Al-Qaeda - because these guys don't want or aren't looking for Muslim domination, nor are they damn set on blowing Dubya to smithereens (wrong country, anyway), they want the Muslim-majority state of Chechnya to be recognised as an independent state.

But then there is the government. We can't understand it. With a history of such majority/minority violence, you would expect more precautions, espfor a town on the Russian/Chechen border. Though Russia is large and not all tt rich, but you would expect more well-equiped, better trained militia. After the 2002 Moscow Theatre fiasco, you would have expected something a little more efficient. Out of the 394 dead, only 26 were the attackers. And 155 (at least) were children. Intel suggests strongly tt a lot of the bombs had been brought into the building during the school holidays. By who? How? How do you manage to get such things through security so easily? What is wrong with Russian Intel? Why does the military seem so inept? And according to the eye-witnesses in Beslan, no ambulances came to help the injured for over 6 hours on Day 1 of the siege. So what is wrong with the medical services?

And then you might have expected a little more inroads into the diplomatic ties with the Chechens too right? I mean, after all, desperate men do desperate things. I would say they're pretty desperate, all right. And very well-equipped and funded. Maybe if Putin had done more than just stick a pro-Russian crony as head of state in Chechnya (sort of like what some other guy is doing with some other country), maybe things might be a little different. So maybe you can't give them their independence, but you could make a headstart by say... maybe give the Chechens a little more control over their own state? Withdraw a few more Russian troops? Well, whatever it is, it'll probably be a more feasible policy than the old 'attack and isolate' 'whack them till they heel' policy. You're not going scare them into submission - quite obviously this method is failing very badly, you're just making them hate you more and giving further credibility to extremist groups like theirs.

The funny thing about episodes like these, is tt they are nothing new. The motives have been around since God-know-when, the methods have been around since God-knows-when, and all tt has changed is the scale of destruction.

So my question is, tt if we have answers, why can't we solve our problems?

8:55 PM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

curse my bleeding heart.
curse the emotional side of me tt always personally involves myself in things.
curse the characteristic tt makes me cry at sad songs and sad movies
tt makes me sad for the people who suffer and die a world away
curse the characteristic tt makes me think too much and too deeply.

12:54 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

RUSSIAN SCHOOL SIEGE

"When a person goes to the cemetery for a burial, it's sad, but nothing like this - when you dig graves for your children." - Anzor Kudziyev, one of some 60 volunteer grave-diggers.

It's not my style to blog so much within the space of so little time, esp when I have a lot of work to catch up on, but just wanted to say this. Have been following a bit of the news regarding the Russian school siege where approx 370, of whom over 150 were children, died, and I'm filled with so much anger.

I feel really really sad for the people who died, esp the children, whose lives were used as PAWNS in the game between the Chechens and the Russian government. And more than tt I feel so angry tt the Chechens chose such soft targets as bargaining chips in their game. Children were used as human-shields and shot at by the gunmen.

Nowadays everyone's called a 'terrorist'. A bombing - 'the terrorists did it!'. A school siege - 'the terrorists did it!' Do you even fucking know what a terrorist is? Somehow everyone just ends up with the same label, whether your Iranian or Arabic or Iraqi or bloody Chechen.

Fuck. This post isn't making sense. I apologise. Right now I just feel tt if I had one of those gunmen in my possession I would dose him in kerosene and set him on fire.

11:33 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

"MAMA TAKE THIS BADGE OFF ME"

"I can't take it anymore.
It's getting too dark, too dark to see.
Feels like I'm knocking on heaven's door."

I think it's PMS. It's the only reasonable explanation I have for why I feel this way. Down, depressed. Again. It's as though I'm trapped in a dark room with no windows and no doors, and no way out in sight. Everywhere I turn, it's these four walls, and I'm trapped in the dark to go mad with myself.

I don't know why. Nothing so far has happened to make anything worse. The problems that were there have always been there, and nothing new has cropped up. Yet I feel so suffocated. It's like everything has just chosen a specific day and time to bear down on me, and I can't breathe.

I wish I didn't feel quite so lost, quite so much like I was drowning. I brought this all upon myself I guess. I did everything, commited to so many things, that I'm like a candle burning at both ends. Trying but not doing anything quite right.

You miss some people, but you don't think they'll be in a position to understand coz they're so far away and you don't want to explain yourself all over again. You wish the people closer to where you are will understand you, but when you ask for their sympathy or just a listening ear, you get stupid advice. I don't know, but I generally think tt I don't go to you for advice you can dispense in the space of say... 30 seconds? Coz I believe I've got enough maturity and understanding to have thought of tt myself, and found it not feasible.

And then there are situations tt you understand. Sometimes you can't help things. If you're put in certain positions compromises have to be made. And I understand and I'm doing what I can to be supportive and I'm doing what I can, but I always feel that it's not good enough. And tt I'm not good enough to meet your expectations. And I hate tt feeling of guilt when I see the disappointment in your eyes, and I hate the distance. I hate not being able to complain to you or bitch to you or tell you my secrets anymore coz you have too many things to worry about and it's just not something I should say to you in your position. But fuck it sometimes I wish things were the way they were before. I miss tt and I miss what we had.

I know I can't change things. I know I have to be understanding and accept. I know what I have to do for you and for everyone, but sometimes tho I understand, I don't accept. I can't. I cannot believe tt sometimes I'm driven to consider doing something tt I know will break my heart, but increasingly the thought comes to mind. I can't take on so many things, so many responsibilities. My love, my passion is destroying me. I'm watching myself drown in my work. The waves have crashed over my head and I can barely breathe.

I wish I could cry coz I think it would make me feel better, but I can't. Years and experience has taught me to be too strong. Too in control. I used to think tt control was an asset. The whole solitary warrior - strong woman type thing. But nowadays I'm re-evaluating. Mich once told me tt I was a hard person to love. And I have come to realise how true she is. It's been too long and the qualities have been so deeply engraved tt I can't, or don't know how to rectify the situation, but it's just one of those things. Too self-protective, too self-interested, and too-self-controlled.

I don't know how to explain myself now. I hate not knowing what to do and feeling lost. I hate feeling a certain way and not being able to change the way I feel. I hate being in certain situations and not knowing how to get out of them.

Feels like I'm knocking on heaven's door. And at this point in time, I expect the door to stay closed.

On another note, I have fallen in love with Death Cab for Cutie. Which isn't the best music to listen to when you are tempted to hurl yourself out the window enraptured in flighty notions of a romantic death.

Yeah, I took a quiz too. I've always been a Goth. So what's new?

Take the What High SchoolStereotype Are You? quiz.

10:20 PM - 4 eprops - 2 comments - email it

JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS

Just wanted to say a few things:

1) I *CRAVE* McDonald's Big Breakfast. Scrambled eggs (yeah baby!!!) with lotsa lotsa pepper and salt!

2) I WANT salmon baked rice from Swensens'!!! By hook or by crook I WILL have my salmon baked rice.

3) I am SO FUCKING DEAD for my Law course. I SWEAR I don't know what the fuck is going on for anything! And my Trial Advo affadavit is fucking killing me! And my company law tutorial is fucking killing me. And I don't know what the HELL the fucking Lexis password is. And I am so fucking dead for my Property Law as well (actually, I think it's still OK. Along with my CLT. BUT everything is pretty much in the toilet)!

AARRRGGGHH!!!!!!!

I feel so lost.

Dammit.

1:46 PM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

WELCOME TO THE FOURTH DIMENSION

After an okay training today (okay meaning lax rowing + xiong running and pull-ups after tt), the team headed down to Beach Road for a lovely dinner (for me, lor mee tt could have just been renamed SUAN mee and ice kachang) and a free edition of Russell Lee's Singapore Ghost Stories.

You see the thing is tt one of my seniors used to be able to see spirits. As in they'd communicate with her and stuff (up till about 3 years ago), and she was just telling us some of her experiences, which BTW are now legendary in her secondary school/JC. This sparked off a whole chain of other similar stories involving teammates and their friends and family, as well as certain schools in Singapore.

After the whole dinner thing, I was SO glad tt my senior drove so tt she could drive me home. NO WAY would I want to take a bus and have to walk ALL the way in from the bus stop to my front door and down this dark, quiet lonely road. *shudder* And in the car she was telling me tt when she used to see them, they were always consistently a little bit taller. Not tt they were floating or anything, but rather tt maybe the stories about the fourth dimension being slightly higher than our dimension, are true.

She was also surprised to know tt Catholics, or rather me, would believe in the existence of spirits. I told her tt exorcisms are a part of rituals of the church, even now. Like when certain spirits are sighted at certain places, and certain priests are called in to help take care of them, and stuff. In fact, spirits don't generally inhabit any certain place, but rather they are everywhere. It's just a matter of whether you can see them, and whether they can see you.

For this reason I think I'm lucky. Because I've never seen them. And because of tt, I wouldn't know if they can see me or not.

In other news, just came back to check my mail before applying aloe vera to my blisters, and found out tt my Trial Advo tutorial is on Tuesday at 6pm. Excuse me but the first thing tt comes to mind all over again is kanina fuck cheebye. This is almost worse than me spilling water all over my table. This is an abomination! My sacred, and I mean sacred, training day has been violated! HOW can I have to miss a training for a tutorial? Do they not KNOW tt I am a rower first, and everything else second???

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....

The only thing tt can possibly be worse, is if this were a WEEKLY arrangement.

And then I would be plotting someone's murder.

Dammit.

...

And interestingly in the same inbox, I got a letter from a neighbour in my hall, who seeks my advice on taking a claim to the Small Claims Tribunal. I'm flattered tt he would ask my advice just coz I am a second year Law student, but seriously, I haven't a fucking idea. I could joke and say "Sue the bastards!!!", but uh... I don't think tt will really help.

Dammit.

Dammit.

Dammit.

...

On the upside, Swensen's tomorrow. Although I'll have to travel to Changi all the way at the other side of the island for my treat.

Dammit.

10:57 PM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

"GUAJIRA... I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH"

Finally found out the name of one of the songs off tt Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights soundtrack tt I'd been wanting to play for some time. Now it's on my playlist... along with the 40/50 over songs I added in the space of ONE morning/afternoon, to bring my playlist from 187 songs to 247 songs. I kid you not. The selection on my list right now is still painfully minimalist, but DAMN I LOVE my playlist. I have songs from almost everywhere. And I have DMX's 'Up In Here' as both a playlist song as well as a ringtone. Incredibly tacky but OH so fun.

I'm so glad. Stressful day/week is FINALLY over. Survived my Company Law tutorial despite not knowing what the fucking hell is going on. Survived CLT cursing my bladder. Survived a stressful morning rushing my tutorial and readings munching on Pocky and Mini Eggs. I SWEAR I've just gained back all the weight I lose running, in the space of 2 hours of going through a box (or 2) of strawberry Pocky and Cadbury Mini Eggs. Mona will not be happy with me. And tt excludes Swensen's this weekend. I want an Earthquake!!! *pout*

Am waiting for my mom to fetch me home now. Parents are leaving for 2 week road trip tomorrow, so I will be spending one night with them before they leave. But I guess it feels a little sucky when all your friends are going out to Orchard and Holland V and Harry's to celebrate the end of a school week and you are home on a Friday night.

But oh well. Was hanging out for a while with some of the guys... They're damn funny. Talking all sorts of nonsense in Bizad. How amusing. OH WELL.

Am going to enjoy as much of my playlist as I can before my mom comes for me. I've got everything from rock to hip-hop to latin to Bhangra! What should I listen to now? :)

6:18 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

GLYCERINE
by Bush

It must be your skin that I'm sinking in

It must be for real cause now I can feel

And I didn't mind, it's not my kind

It's not my time to wonder why

Everything gone white, everything's grey

Now you're here, now you're away

I don't want this, remember that

I'll never forget where you're at



Don't let the days go by

Glycerine, Glycerine



I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time

Are you at one or do you lie

We live in a wheel where everyone steals

But when we rise it's like strawberry fields

I treated you bad, you bruise my face

Couldn't love you more, you've got a beautiful taste



Don't let the days go by

Could've been easier on you

I couldn't change though I wanted to

Should have been easier by three

Our old friend fear and you and me

Glycerine, Glycerine

Don't let the days go by

Glycerine

Don't let the days go by



Glycerine, Glycerine

Glycerine, Glycerine



Bad moon white again

Bad moon white again

As she falls around me



I needed you more when we wanted us less

I could not kiss, just regress

It might just be clear simple and plain

Well that's just fine, that's just one of my names



Don't let the days go by

It could've been easier on you, you, you

Glycerine, Glycerine

Glycerine, Glycerine

10:24 AM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

24 HOUR WALKING SLEEPMODE

I turned my life around today, with A LOT of help from Zhiqian, who called me at 8.50am, waking me up from my nice slumber (I couldn't sleep the night before till 4am!!! And I seriously tried ok? Tossed and turned in bed like a bloody idiot) to tell me tt my lecture was in 10 min. Jump out of bed, pack all my books + training stuff (but left out stationery) wash face + brush teeth + grab first available set of clothes (which trust me looked so bad I refused to take my IVP jacket off all day) + run up Bizad to LT 19 = reach LT 19 at 9.05am. You amazed yet? Good, coz so am I.

But the consequence of actually waking up on time was tt I spent the rest of my day - and I'm talking the WHOLE FUCKING DAY from 9am to 6pm, in sleep mode. As in I REALLY was half-asleep.

It was bad. I struggled to stay awake during Company Law lecture, I spent my time attempting to read Merryman falling asleep on the table - as in literally I start from a sitting position and SOMEHOW find my HEAD right ON my books/notes... Debbie was so amused she couldn't stop laughing. And my hair was a mess, my face looked bad, and my eyes were perpetually half-fully-closed and my contacts were SO dry tt they kept sticking to my eyeballs. Gross.

I don't know how I survivied Prop Law tutorial. Oh yar, coffee. Lousy coffee at tt. As usual, I smoked my way to a correct answer. Also don't know how and why - I didn't even know what the hell I was saying. And somehow it was correct. I think my Prop Law tutor has a relatively good impression of me. Surprise surprise. And to think, I ALSO fell asleep during her tutorial. A lot of black-out periods and spider's writing across my tutorial answers. And then during CLT, I spent more time trying to stay awake than listening. UGH. So glad when it ended. I was SO fucking tired and drained and sleepy tt I was in a damn pissy mood.

Ugh.

Was barely alive when I made it for training. As I was whining to Daowei , I was so tired tt I wanted to die. Fortunately the gym session was manageable. Okay, technically circuits is also manageable, but I HATE circuits. I'd rather run 3.2km than do circuits. Geox would rather run 6km. It's not tt it is difficult coz we managed to survive, but seriously, I hate the track. Like really just hate the bloody stupid red track and running round the same route multiple times. I'd rather someone just shoot me.

Am always particularly high when training is over. I think it is usually because TRAINING IS OVER! And it's time for Vitasoy and dinner! It rhymes. Bought my last bowl of ban mian from the auntie at Clementi - whom I will boycott for super-lousy service from now on -, went grocery shopping at NTUC - MORE strawerry pocky, yoghurt, fruit juice, chocolate etc... YUM! - and yes, took the 96 back with Geox and Amy. Were talking about blogs actually on our ride back. And me being ultra lazy, decided to wait for the A1 shuttle bus instead of walk back. The upside is tt I got to know a new freshie from Block E.

Yayz. Just finished a WHOLE box of Strawberry Pocky almost all by myself (with a little help from Sam and Wanyi, both of whom I went to bug muahaha). Once the food settles I WILL sleep. NEED to do my company law tutorial tomorrow, otherwise I can pretty much go string myself out to dry.

1:12 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

Currently Playing
A Boy Named Goo
By Goo Goo Dolls
see related

WED NIGHTS ARE FOR MAMBO

Wrong.

Didn't go mambo. Didn't go Phuture. Didn't go club. Didn't touch a sip of alcohol, let alone my intended 2 lambos.

OH WELL.

Went to support Sheryl at Mediacorp. She was in the School Belle thing with tt KR girl Sylvia. Thought she looked really good in the pink tube thing. I'd never seen the KR girl till tonight but everyone was telling me how hot she was.

To be honest, no lor. Okay, she has sae. I think the hairstyle is pretty damn cool. Colour as well. And she has striking features. But I still maintain tt Sheryl is prettier and has a better figure.

Okay, maybe I'm biased.

For our 5 min airtime, we were rotting at Studio 1 for almost 40 bloody min. Belinda Lee wasn't as thin as I was told. In fact I think she has a good figure, not too thin, not too fat. Dress design was nice but the colours were horrible. Oh well.

Went for tt School Belle thing in the clothes I'd been wearing since bloody morning, pink tank, black track pants and pink Trail slippers - the kind you wear to the bathroom. Someone suggested go Mambo after the School Belle thing.

Right. Go Mambo in pink Trail slippers.

Fashion statement siah.

So bloody tired this evening. Tired, depressed, unmotivated, sianz. Totally un-energised. Bothered. Francis asked me how my love life was.

The same as ever. Non-existent.

The slightest hint of the guy I like is pretty much a non-issue. It doesn't and shouldn't exist because it simply will not happen, will not be allowed to happen, and is merely a figment of my sad unrealistic dreams and over-active imagination.

Bloody hell.

Oh well.

I guess I just need to tear myself out of dreamland and start living.

But had supper with the Beekers at KR Fong Seng. I'm STILL craving ice-cream and bloody chocolate, but chilli, ikan bilis and deep fried this and tt keep me happy for now.

I think guys have weird taste. One of the guys was going on abt how hot this girl was, and how much attn she drew when she went up to dance. When Sam and I looked at her we were like, "Uh. No lor." Seriously. I think guys and girls have different versions of hot. I guess for us "hot" isn't just about the figure, but also the looks. You have to be vaguely pretty for one. For guys, it seems like all you need is the figure, long hair and an un-ugly face.

Oh well.

Anyway met an old sec-school mate who changed so much I couldn't recognise her. I swear I've been doing a lot of tt. People come up to me and they're like "You're Isobel right?" And I give them this major blank stare like they're from Mars and have antennas sticking out of the tops of their heads. I suck lah.

And Martin saw me but he didn't say 'hi'.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Last thought: I think you're sweet.

Okay, 2nd last thought.

Last thought: Thanks and praise God for sending me things and people to make the depression go away.

"Everyday, I live for you Lord
Everyday, I long to follow you"

Be my strength Lord. For today, and tomorrow, and the day after.

3:16 AM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

GUILT-TRIPPED

I hate it.

Did I tell you how much I hate it?

One of the things I hate most in the world, is choice. Whoever said that freedom of choice would set you free ought to be taken out and shot.

I hate it that so many things somehow always end up happening at the same fucking time. Hey, you have to do thing A at 8pm. And then thing B crops up at 8-fucking-pm too. And then thing C just 'happens' to overlap.

And it always happens. I hate it. I hate having to prioritise and choose 1 choice over another and wonder if I'd made the right choice. I know there's no such thing as looking back and regretting, but I always get tt guilt-trip problem.

I'm so sorry James, tt I set up your expectations so high, and I made you crash and burn. And I know how much you were looking forward to it, as was I, and I'm so sorry I had to cancel on you. I hate it when things get so fucked up at last minute.

I'm frustrated coz tomorrow there's trial advo tutorial, and dragonboat land time trial + mooncake festival, AND just now my freshie asked if I would go support David at S'pore Idol tomorrow and Friday. And altho I'd been wanting to it's damn obvious tt I have to choose my loyalties, and it fucking sucks coz you feel an obligation to someone or other, but THEN. And on Fri I've got my heart set on an ACT talk at St. Bernadette's Church, which is ALSO at 8pm, and dammit I can't go for both... *sigh*

I hate tt feeling of being left out, left behind, wondering what you've missed, wondering who you've let down and how much and for what. What's worse is when you realise tt the choice tt you thought might have been the best just wasn't; you weren't as integral as you were made out to be; you could have appeared later or not at all, and then you just want to scream "Fuck you!" at the whole world until your lungs burst out of your chest.

I hate feeling like there are so many things tt I need to or have to do, and somehow I just don't seem to have the fucking energy or motivation to do them. I want to get down to my work, but I don't seem to have the motivation to get started, or get anywhere, and I feel so threatened, yet not enough to push myself. I want to run, to burn off all tt sugar and chocolate and the *weight* and the *flab* and everything about my body tt has been bugging me like hell, but I just feel so tired and sleepy thinking of running. I wanted to join all my hall activities but somehow I don't even have the motivation to sign up or go for them.

I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I don't know where all my energy or zest for life is going. I'm praying to God to let me let go, to stop depending on myself but on His strength, but somehow I still can't find peace.

All I feel is tired, and depressed, and oh so guilty.

Choice, my ass.

9:06 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

20 min to Law FCG session. Should be making my way down now but ah hell, once I finish with this.

Finished company law assignment between 4am and 5am last night. Prob took so fucking long coz half tt time was spent revisiting Friendster (whenever someone new adds me, I start surfing/resurfing and wasting my time on tt site). Printed out the document. Will submit it 24 hours early. Don't really care what the fuck kind of grade I get for it coz I'm seriously pissed with it and I don't think I'm going to touch it again. Just made the word count after maxing it out by 300+ words last night. Oh well. Goodbye company law. I'll see you again in November.

Obviously I couldn't wake up this morning for lecture. Company law lecture. Must explain why there's no guilt attack. Apparently it seems the lecturers are making more references to David. Guess word has got round to them even tt he's tt S'pore Idol guy. Heh heh heh. But I could wake up on time for Mac's breakfast with James. Zhun zhun wake up at the end of my lecture to message James. Must be coz of the craving for scrambled eggs again. Who cares tt it's got fucking 652 calories? Don't care. Exercise like a freak, race not till end November, can't keep depriving myself of good food and sin every now and then, otherwise I wouldn't be fucking human.

Ugh. Am so sleepy right now. Must be the result of the lack of sleep. Explains the superbly grouchy syndrome too. Oh well, guess all can't be fine and well. Funny thing how last night, while I was playing an addictinggames.com game on my comp, I heard the KR B-Blkers make a lot of noise. Got kinda irritated but purposely ignored them... until Ee Yang calls me on my hand phone and tells me to look out the window coz apparently all the people on the roof had been trying damn hard to get my attention. Purpose: to wish me Happy Mid-Autumn Festival. Was kinda touched + flattered by the attn + the action, but it was so weird... And apparently Sam even heard people call my name. Ugh.

Anyway I'm disturbed right now. Revival of feelings for absolutely no good reason other than sympathy and sadness. Dammit tt's not good. I'm dreaming of you now (good dreams of course), and tt's so not a good thing coz it worries me as to where my mind is going to. And I am further troubled by the attns of someone whom I don't trust.

BTW, I thought I'd just say tt I'd rather stay single than ever ever ever get attached to someone in my hall. Coz once you do, EVERYONE knows about it. When and how you get together, when and/or how you break up, and everyone has all these opinions tt it's just damn super scary. I don't ever want to be gossip fodder for anyone anywhere anytime, no matter what the sacrifice.

So there. Off I go for my cell group meeting.

2:46 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

THE MONDAY AFTER

Bloated from guzzling too much fruit juice. That fruit and vegetable juice thingy from Fruit Tree actually isn't as bad as I originally imagined, especially since a week in the pantry fridge has put some yummy small ice bits into it. But it's green in colour. Makes you think you're drinking chlorophyll. Although I probably am. Never mind. As long as I don't turn green, I'm ok.

Didn't do any work today. Let me just clarify. I managed to wake up to submit my prop law assignment + attend prop lecture on time today. Go me. I managed to have a damn fun bimbo + bridge session with the bim gang at Arts canteen between prop law and trial advo, only to conveniently fall asleep during trial advo. Then I managed to catch 40 winks before netball IFG this evening... only to completely oversleep and miss it and wake up just in time for dinner. WTH.

And after tt I watched both Resident Evil: Apocalypse and Ju-On 2 in the comforts of my room (yes, I have the complete movie files for both movies), shuffled down to watch American's Next Top Model, and very fucking obviously, I have not touched my company law assignment at all.

Oh. On the upside. The AHM pics are out. On the downside, I look spastic.



A part of me feels like going on a short run tonight coz the weather is so good and very simply put, ANY-FUCKING-THING is better than doing work, but my legs ache too damn much. Stairs kill me.

Argh. I cannot believe what a bloody nua slacker I am tonight. Even watching Reality TV, which I don't believe in, is preferable to doing an assignment tt is due in less than *2* days. What is wrong with me? And my food cravings as scary. Now, besides my mac and cheese and Crystal Jade, I absolutely crave *ice-cream* right now, and coz of reading Kiwishine's chocolate fondue experience I SO want to go to Max Brenner's and/or the chocolate buffet at the Fullerton. Ugh I suck.

In fact one of the things I've been wondering, is why I happen to be so attached to the physical. Why it is tt I actually have cravings tt are so intense? When I want a certain food, I want it bad and I want it now, and it's like nothing else suffices. When I listen to music, which I love, I get so bloody involved in it sometimes tt I don't see the rest of the world. When I watch movies, I involve myself so deeply in the plots tt I can feel the way a character does, as when I read an engaging story. When I read or watch the news, feelings like sadness, anger, or even scorn comes over depending on what I read.

I can detach myself from people, but I can't detach myself from the physical. From experience. I can't do anything for functionality alone, it has to have an intrinsic value to me. I have to know why I'm doing what I do and to really believe or be interested in what I do before I can do it. I don't know if it means I'm not emotionally-mature, tt I choose to involve myself so completely to so many things. Fair enough, part of it is sub-conscious, but for the most part, it is a choice to let go. To succumb in a way tt I control at all other times.

It puzzles me. Not that I will change, but I am puzzled. And thinking.

And in need of getting back to my work. Ugh, ice-cream ice-cream ice-cream.

[edit:]

I'm praying for 2 people. For someone's mother, may her soul rest in peace and may the Lord's eternal light shine unto her. And for tt someone, that even though he's not close to me, he will find the strength to move on and live and be at peace as well.

And I thank God for my parents, who love me, who care for me and understand me, and that they are still alive and healthy to be with me even now as I write.

[end edit]

1:13 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

ARMY HALF-MARATHON: THE REPORT

1. Pre-marathon preparation:

WHAT preparation?! Arhahaha. Never train for run at all, never do any kind of funny mental workshop thingy, never eat properly, get self sick, go for intensive training the day before. And then the night before, supposed to sleep at 10pm so I get 6 hours of sleep before waking up at 4am (yes. *4* am. Granted, poor army boys have to wake up around this time more regularly than me, but they're *forced* to do it and I'm doing it out of my *own free will*). BUT THEN so used to sleeping at 3am/4am/*never* am I, that the earliest time I feel sleepy is 1.30am. Ended up watching WWE Bottomline on Channel 5 at 12.30am. WTH? Besides tt, I can't actually fall asleep. I'm in this half-asleep half-awake mode all the way from 1.30am to 3.30am - coz between 3.30am and 4.00am I'm *awake* already. Don't even need to worry about oversleeping coz I'm not even asleep! Muahaha. Furthermore, between that 1.30am and 3.30am, the half-asleep part of me dreams firstly, of rowing. Here I am in my sleep doing mental exercises on to improve my long pulling stroke. And then secondly, I dream of myself running down Kallang. Arhahaha.

*close to tears*

2. The Marathon itself:

Signed up and went for the AHM thing with 7 of my teammates. I was the earliest at the Padang area (wonder why?), and it was so weird coz I was one of the very very few girls amidst this whole sea of guys, and most of them were wearing some kind of army singlet or outfit or other. So out-of-place at 5am in the morning. Bah.

And worried that I'll end up a) getting stomach cramps; or b) gastric attack while running (these are the 2 most common things tt happen to me when I run), I make sure I eat a hearty breakfast before running. In the end I eat too much and begin the run feeling like throwing up. Whoopee.

Speaking of which, our run got off to a roaring start. Really. The competitive run, which we signed up for, starts off at 5.45am. The non-competitive run starts at 6am. At 5.50am, we were still casually walking to the starting point.

Me: "Uh... It's 5.50am already. Do you think they've flagged us off yet?"
Teammate (peering at crowd of people gathered at starting point. At this point of time announcer makes some announcement about flagging off at 6am): "No lah. So many people there still."

5.55am. The announcer qualifies himself. "The 6am flag-off time is for non-competitive runners. Competitive runners, you can make your way past the starting line and start running already."

Me: ... ... ... ...

And so all 7 of us girls squeeze past this sea of army boys from the back all the way to the front of the starting line. It's like Phuture all over again with the wolf-whistles and squeezing past all those yucky bodies. And so we start our run 10 min late.

Between the end of Shenton Way and Sheares Bridge Geox and I lose the rest of the team (we get left behind, essentially).

Around East Coast Park, we find Angie. Then Jen Ming says 'hi' to me, and then I lose Geox and Angie (I ran faster).

Around 9.5km into the run, I slow down. And then my long-lost eye candy tells me to 'jia you' and I become so ridiculously motivated tt I sprint up to the 10km mark. Obviously sprinting anywhere in a 21km run is not a good idea.

Between 12km and 13km I decide to walk. Then Ian catches up with me and he actually inspires me to run a bit. But then he joins the rest of his contigent, and the stretch between 14km and 17km officially becomes the longest 3 km of my life.

I think the stretch through the Indoor Stadium, SDBA and the Kallang area is absolutely horrible. I was so unmotivated I actually walked for most of this stretch. What was worse was tt because I was wearing my bloody dragonboat singlet - the guo2 da4 long2 zhou1 one -, I kept hearing people mutter behind me "Eh... Guo2 da4 long2 zhou1." Or "guo2 da4". Or "na4 ge4
guo2 da4 de4". Or "guo2 da4. Then I'm zi4 da4".

Argh. So irritating. And so embarassing coz I'm supposed to be some super fit woman thing coz I'm in dragonboat, and here I am walking and getting recognised by so many people (even after the bloody run I got recognised as "Hey, it's tt guo2 da4 girl!" ARGH!!!! This is the last time I will EVER wear a dragonboat singlet to a run like this.

I caught up with Zhen Yi around the 17/18km mark, and lost her a little later. And then the run actually encompassed our water training running route under Sheares Bridge. Whatever inspiration I had at 19km was lost when I saw where I had to go. WHY?!?!?!?!!?!!?!

Argh.

So I completed the run in very lousy time. But it's not too bad coz 1) I gave myself under 3 hours (!!!) to complete the run, so I obviously made it; 2) I completed it before 9am which was also the time I intended to complete it within; 3) I intended to complete the run, which I did; and 4) I saw my eye-candy and he spoke to me *swoon*. Okay, admittedly I'm long over the crush, but STILL. The inspiration counts for something! Haha.

Ah yes, so tt's it. Run over and completed, the first 21km I have ever run in my life. Out of it, I got a finisher's medal, a cert, SUPERBLY aching thigh and calf muscles (which resulted in me taking off my shoes, and then walking around the Padang wearing them like slippers, tip-toeing around (coz I was wearing my shoes like slippers) and swinging my medal and socks in one hand. My teammates found tt damn funny), blisters and corns on my feet, a detachable last toe nail, shorts tt got so SOAKED in my sweat it looks like I dumped them in the washing machine and forgot to take them out, and an amazing hunger tt demanded McDonalds, thereby negating any hope tt I had of losing any weight at all from the run.

Oh well. But it was fun, it was an experience. McDonalds never tasted so good. And my mom cooked kway chup tonight (Mona! I didn't ask for it! I didn't even know she was cooking kway chup), so dinner was really really really good (it tastes even better than the ones you buy outside coz my mom is a 1st class cook!!!). But once again, weight loss completely negated.

And now I am dead for property law assignment. Gotta rush it tonight then. *am strangely satisfied tho*

[edit: side notes]

Craves:
1. macaroni and cheese from Kenny Roger's (not tt fantastic, but don't know where else to get better mac and cheese)
2. Crystal Jade - porridge, dim sum and egg tarts. Yum.

11:39 PM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

ACHING AGAIN

Today's training was intense. Well, actually, it wasn't. I think it was *my* own fault. Pushed myself too hard in the beginning and didn't regulate my pace.

Oh well.

Woke up at 11.20am... Even though I slept really early (12.20am) last night! Yeesh. If Boon Chin hadn't messaged me, that is it man. That is it.

Had brunch (breakfast and lunch together) at 12pm. It seems I'm merging my meals a bit these few days. Eep. Char siew bao, siew mai, and bak chor mee with extra chili. Later during training when I was talking to my junior Cindy, she was telling me how guai she was by eating it in SOUP without any chili at all, and I was like... whoa. 0_o You're taking this strict training thing so much more seriously than *I* am!

Anyway Mona had a brief session with us on nutrition after training. In summary, she's more or less banned me from everything that's nice and delicious and that I *LOVE* to eat, like deep-fried food *sob*, ice-cream *double sob*, chocolate *triple sob*, all sorts of carbs (okay. qualification. we NEED carbs for energy for training, but cannot overload [otherwise we'll become fat(ter)]), and worst of all... NO MORE KWAY CHUP!!!! *waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaails* In replacement, we must eat more protein like steamed fish (yuck), tuna (YUCK! I hate tuna) and chicken breast (yuck). :( Can't I just eat beef steak instead? Heh heh heh.

But anyway water training was... actually it should have been manageable. We didn't do anything that was killing. I knew it! Shouldn't have gone and bloody tried to show off and give 100% even when I wasn't required to! Argh... Towards the end it really was like every single time I tried to row, I couldn't pull as far back as I previously could, and Kallang water always damn near blinds me. It sucks when you get an average of 2 blisters per finger on each hand, but it sucks like HELL when your butt gets abraided by the stupid seats of the boat! Dammit, even 2 towels not enough now. EARGH!!!

Fortunately the run was short. Then again yesterday's killer run made today's one look easy. And we didn't have to do as many push-ups as I'd expected. And my pull-ups are ok unless I get too tired *yay*. But army-half marathon tomorrow... Gotta be there at 5am. SIAN. WHY oh WHY did I sign up for bloody 21km?!?!?! When I pass by parts of the route and I see stuff like '13km'; '17km' etc etc etc, my eyes widen in horror.

After training I was SO hungry my hands were shaking. And my back muscles ache like HELL. Argh. Have to sleep early tonight. And rush my assignments too. Oh well.

... ... ...

But I love training and I love my teammates. :)

*big hugz to Geox and Mona especially* Although Mona's coxing needs practice. Heh heh heh.

Ooh. And quizes taken. I don't know accuracy of the first tho. o_o ...But I like the second! Hell yeah. :)

You are Sweet and Innocent
You're style is quiet and cute. Guys notice you more often then you notice them, but your relationships may tend toward platonic friendships. You tend to shy away from serious relationships and spend more time alone or with your friends then you would in the back of a movie theatre snuggled up with your sweetie.

What kind of flirt are you? **with pics**

Beatrix Kiddo (Black Mamba)

You're the Bride! Strong and determined, you can do anything once you set your mind to it. You long for vengeance and for a happy ending, and will do anything to achieve them.

Kill Bill: Which Deadly Viper Assassin Are You? (Vol. II spoilers... results with pics)

And a quote that I like because *i'd* probably be the person saying it myself:

"Don't say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believe it."

10:21 PM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

XIN JING CHA GU SHI

It was worth it.

It was:

1. Worth sacrificing 4 additional hours of sleep, to travel to some ulu theatre to catch the first morning show.
2. Worth sacrificing a good and hearty breakfast for a hurried bite to get the beginning credits.
3. Worth spending $7.50 on.
4. Worth catching alone, even if it made me look like an anti-social friendless bitch.
5. Worth packing my schedule even though I knew the lack of energy was a factor that I might regret later.
6. Worth risking my 3 due assignments for, even though now I'm damn worried I might not be able to catch up.
7. Worth catching, even if it was the only Chinese movie I'll ever catch, considering what a 100%-certified kentang I am.

New Police Story. I caught it this morning. Amidst the horrified gasps of my peers who believe that this is Jackie Chan cheap-flick fluff and cannot believe why I might want to watch it so desperately, below are my reasons.

1. Jackie Chan was one of my idols for the longest time. I took taekwondo partially because of him. And my parents had to sit me down the day after they agreed to let me take up the sport, just to tell me that getting a black belt didn't mean I could backflip off walls and do jumping spinning kicks the way he can. And in this movie he's back to his authentic chop-socking self!

2. My fave Jackie Chan movie of all time is Police Story III - the one with Michelle Yeoh in it. And yes, Michelle Yeoh was also an idol of mine.

3. Mata mata!!! I've already got a vested interest in a life in blue, so I might as well get started somewhere. Besides, Hong Kong Police flicks are compelling (like Infernal Affairs). And they do blow up the HK Police HQ.

4. The style. Did you catch the trailer for the movie? Damn cool! How Jackie Chan's team of 9 men die in the beginning, how their mission gets converted into an online game... Whoa.

5. Nic Tse. When I was young and impressionable, I had a formidable weakness for pretty boys with floppy hair (of which my best friends can safely attest to). Okay, admittedly the weakness still persists, but fortunately for me it's not as extreme as before. Anyway I became a majorrr fan of his when Gen X Cops came out, and when I saw tt he would be acting in New Police Story, I thought he would become another reason to watch it.
The only problem is tt now tt I've watched it, I'm a fan of his again. ARGH!

Yes, if you feel anything like the way I do, then New Police Story is worth watching. It's not anything super-outstanding etc etc etc, so if you're looking for something highly sophisticated or arty-farty (god knows what reason you'd have for doing tt) then don't blame me if the movie's not up to your expectations.

But it was more than up to mine. Feel like buying the VCD when it comes out.

... ... ... ...

In other news, barely rushed back in time for Law FCG CGL meeting. Didn't have time for lunch. Worship session was good, but meeting itself was IMHO too long. Okay, we covered *everything*, but seriously about half the stuff wasn't really necessary, at least not to be brought up at this stage at this meeting. Which lasted till 6pm.

Had my lunch (a sandwich) at 6pm. Or is it dunch? Was relatively pissed. And cold. And so hungry.

Argh. Bad mood again. Get irritated when people make me do things I don't want to do. Leave me alone.

NB: Someone looks like someone I knew and behaves like someone else I knew. Wonder if tt person is playing games with me. Would like to give person benefit of the doubt, but if you screw with me, be warned. I won't let you off.

11:13 PM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

NABE. First time run with a guy in god-knows-how long. His super-slower, can *sing* while running pace is *STILL* faster than my kanina fast until want-to-DIE pace. ARGH!!! Why am I so fucking unfit?!?!?!?!

But then again 6km in approx. 35 min. The fastest 6km I have EVER run in my life!!!

[edit #1] added:

Him (trying to be motivational)~ "Don't underestimate the power of the human body." ~
Me: (mental state) "Fuck! Kanina!" (on repeat mode)

[edit #2] added:

Thoughts tt comes to mind after reading article abt PAP partying at Zouk.

#1: "Dude... where's my car?"
#2: "OMG! I *have* to see this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
#3: "No wait. OMG I *DON'T* want to see this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
#4: "Arhahaha. Now when my parents say clubbing is bad and for girls who don't have a life/live only the night life (i.e. are whores), I can say *the* most respectable bunch of people in Singapore party (singular) at Zouk."
#4: "Oh wait. My parents HATE the PAP."
#5: "Haha! Now stupid taxi-drivers have no excuse for not knowing where Zouk is anymore! Muahaha."
#6: "Fuck. My mind is on the wrong topic. It should be on WORK, not PAP or Party or anything PA-ish. Off blog off blog!"

[end edits]

8:42 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

And suddenly at 12.46am, in the midst of struggling through just completing one fucked-up assignment, the depression hits me suddenly like a fist to my stomach, and I wonder if I should get a clinical subscription for Prozac.

1:45 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

WEDNESDAY'S FOR COMPANY

Social company, not company law. Or any other kind of law for that matter. Wed rocked tho. Started out in the morning meeting James for Mac's (yet again). Good heavy breakfast, eggs and great company put a really huge smile to my face. And James even helped me carry charcoal from Clementi! Which was so so sweet of him. Coz 9 kg of charcoal is NO JOKE. Esp since I decided to buy Dynamo (which is heavier than 1 box of charcoal) as well. Ooh, and I bought pink Trail slippers. So pretty. Yayz! Thank you James!!! *big hugz* You've been the biggest biggest help to me, esp since I've been so falling apart with all tt stress!

After tt I lugged the charcoal to Harbourfront, where I met my teammates. Haha. They helped me carry the charcoal straight to the chalet (can do front deltoid raise, right? :P) Had a nice big bite at Seah Im Foodcourt with the girls and traumatised Mona all the way from there to the chalet. Muahaha. Then again everyone was traumatising her by parroting all her training lines "It's all in the mind!" "Upslope! Lean forward and open up!" etc etc etc. Speaking of which, the route up to the chalet WAS an upslope. Freaking aching thighs.

After much dilly-dallying and mixing of milk and butter and bacon and celery bits into the mashed potato/potato salad, the whole bunch of us made our way down to Palawan Beach. Where we promptly a) swam to the platform and dived off (the forward flip dive is DAMN painful on the back! But at least it looks damn cool. Muahaha. Vic even wanted to try a back flip dive but Yirang convinced her not to.); b) built sandcastles and befriended this cute little 5-year-old kid called Wilbur whom Vic kept bickering with and everyone else was content to let have his way, and who divulged to us that his dad slept in the nude. 0_o So cute. And we tried playing frisbee and beach soccer and volleyball (with a super lau4 huang1 ball), but the operative word is TRY. We are dragonboaters for a reason, and for most of us that reason has nothing to do with balls.

Unfortunately, we were all superbly hungry by 4.30pm. So we upped and left, headed back to the chalet, pigged out on mashed potato/potato salad, crackers and whatever other ready-to-eat food we could find, sang KTV (or rather, watched Yirang and Wendy our special KTV-ers sing Sun Yanzi and S.H.E) and lazed around till it was time to start the BBQ.

And what a BBQ it was. There was so many chicken wings (all BBQ-ed to perfection by Yirang, our multi-talented junior), incredibly good satay with satay sauce, hot dogs and crabsticks, lots of marshmellows with melted chocolate and chocolate-filled apples. We were eating so much tt we were all incredibly bloated.

BUT THEN there was STILL food left over. Dragonboat tradition: play number game to finish up the food. I almost thought I was lucky. Heng heng last item of food (the huge chocolate-filled apple) left... Cannot be me.

Shit. Spoke too fast.

And then we yam-senged first Peach Tea and then Bailey's, and me the uh... 'resident chiongster' got extra Bailey's from people who didn't want to drink so much.

I left for hall after playing a round of Uno Stacko with the usually dormant, occasionally active Dork Club headed by our dearest Mona, who founded tt special one-of-a-kind 'Draw 2' move tt even Geox has perfected! Wahaha.

And then... it was off to Phuture later. Wore a skirt coz Jane asked me to wear one, so I wore tt pretty white skirt with the black flowers, which looked really out of place. I looked more like I was going to a wedding! Haha. And with the black heels too. And because we were leaving before 11, I realised I only had 5 minutes to apply my make-up. I'm amazed at how much I can do in 5 min. Muahaha. I'm good.

So it was me, Sam, Wanyi, Beidi and Jane, in 2 cabs. Stupid taxi driver didn't know where Zouk was so he brought us ALL OVER the fucking place. First to MS, then round the whole of Great World City and all of us had totally lost our patience, esp Jane. And we had to pay for his fucking mistake. PLEASE, you drive a fucking cab and you have no fucking idea where Zouk is? Are you really tt swaku?

But all was well and good. Me got my 2 flaming lambos (drunk at 1 shot). Happy. But tonight the music at Phuture wasn't fantastic, and the crowd just sucked. It was TOO much of a crowd. What the hell man? We got squashed, stepped on, had to move between Zouk and Phuture and wherever had less people etc etc etc. Damn fucking irritating lah. What the hell.

So it wasn't a bad idea to drink a lot. Have decided tt 2 flaming lambos is cheaper than 6 tequila shots anyway, so this will be my choice of poison from now on. Anyway altho I was high enough to dance like I was possessed and not (really) notice the sheer horror of the crowd, I was still relatively sobre. Not drunk or wasted or anything to tt extent. Muahaha. Go me.

But after tt wah lau. Feet hurt like mad when we walked out of Phuture. Super-dehydrated and HUNGRY from the dancing. I was really starving. The lambos weren't settling properly and I was developing a headache. Don't know how I managed to last tt 2-hour session later in the TV Lounge, but it was fun anyway.

Slept around 5.30am, and woke up at 1.30pm. But today I've been in a damn pissy anti-social mood. Actually I'm really sorry, if you're reading this. I wasn't in the mood for company, and I'm sorry tt I wasn't nice or friendly or accomodating. It's nothing to do with you. I'm just stressed when I realise how much I have to do and how little I've actually accomplished.

Oh well. Back to work work work.

10:54 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

Two lambos at 1 shot and I was still relatively sobre. Didn't even get wasted. I rock. Now... If only I can do something about the fucking hangover?

Update after I get my sleep.

6:38 AM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

RUMMY IN MY TUMMY

Am sitting in room sipping green tea like old grand-muhdda. Would prefer to avoid such sedentary activity, but stomach is bloated. Not with rum, but with food glorious food. Dinner at Holland V (again) with a main at Thai Express and dessert at NYDC (again). The chocolate cakes at NYDC are orgasmic. The creaminess of the mousse, the sweetness and the richness of the texture, the slight bitterness of the thick chocolate used; coupled with creamy macadamia nut ice-cream with huge chunks of macadamia... Heaven. Seemed surprised that I have never been for the chocolate buffet at One Fullerton tho.

Oh well.

I woke up this morning, thanks to an unintentional wake-up call from Boon Chin tt had me rolling out (and subsequently falling out) of bed and landing in a heap on the floor. Literally. So I rushed to get ready and go for training at 11am. I swear, it's stressful, this whole thing about punctuality. I have a huge problem with exact punctuality, especially when it involves me having to wake up at/before a certain time.

Kanina why can't we just have training at a later time... like at night or something?

Training was a killer. People who said it was maneagable were all LYING I tell you! Liars each and everyone of them! Stair climbing is not manageable. Attempting to sprint up 3 storeys of stairs 3 times, before doing push-ups in between another 3 sets of 3 storeys of stairs, is NOT manageable. Running the so-called sheltered way from Bizad through Law through Arts through Central Library through Yusof Ishak because of the ~heavy downpour~ DOESN'T make it manageable. There's NOTHING but stairs going up and up and up and who the fucking hell constructed NUS I swear if I find tt creep I'm going to chain him to a STAIRMASTER and make him climb stairs for the rest of his waking life!!! EARGH!!!!

And it didn't help tt breakfast this morning consisted of half a Nature Valley granola bar (other half was consumed the night before) which was infested with ants, a fact tt I only discovered after eating the whole bar and finding ants crawling out of the wrapper. Fuck. I spent the entire first half of training wondering how many live ants I was digesting in my stomach. Whoohoo. New diet and source of protein.

I suck lah...

After training Yirang discovered tt she lost her phone. And we all felt so sorry for her and really wanted to help her find it somehow, but the thing is there is just so fucking litle you can do. And when I see her look so down I just don't know what to do or say to her. I just hope she feels better.

And after tt and lunch I went to Law Lib (finally) to do my assignment. I don't know how those 4 hours passed so quickly with me doing jack. Fuck lah how am I going to complete my assignment? My whole next day is blown out with chalet and clubbing? *sigh sigh sigh*

On the upside, dinner + the free ride (yay!) and the great company was a major highlight. And when I came back to wash my clothes I put my stuff into the laundry... WITHOUT detergent. By the time I realised it was too late for me to take my clothes out. I SUCK LAH!!! *wails* Then the hall celebrated the birthday of Adrian, a senior who looked obviously inebriated tonight. He didn't get ponded tho. Oh well. I get confused by the undercurrents in hall conversation. Maybe coz I'm just so "out of it". Oh well.

Reminder: rewash clothes eargh!!!

1:28 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

"IF YOU CAN DODGE A WRENCH, YOU CAN DODGE A BALL.
IF YOU CAN DODGE A CAR, YOU CAN DODGE A BALL."

Oh no. First day of my mid-term study break - break TO study, and I make it my break FROM study. I tried to do my Company Law assignment today but I'm just hitting brick walls. I have no inspiration, I want to tear my hair out coz I can't seem to organise anything, I can't find anything online and I'm so consumed with buttlazyithis tt I can't seem to get my fat ass off my chair and drag it down to the library.

However, I CAN drag my ass all the way down to Orchard to meet my Home Team scholars. Or rather, Johnny, Debiao, Kailin, Ivan and Justin. We have lunch at Cineleisure food court (it's OPEN!!! Praise God! The original plan was Sakae sushi buffet nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *anything* but tt!!!) at 3.00pm (YES. LUNCH.), and then we adjourn to PS to watch Dodgeball.

No comments on Dodgeball. Don't feel like a review. Harold and Kumar's funnier, but Dodgeball is funny in a nice violent brainless laugh-at-everyone's-misery way. The usual American comedy.

After tt, it's off to Holland V for din-din with Kai: meatball spaghetti at NYDC and my Frosted Chocolate Malt craving satisfied at Swensen's... And Geox I found Nature Valley Granola Bars at Holland V's Cold Storage!!! Whoohoo! My long and painful search has cumilated in this... *ecstatic* I have my cinnamon and peanut butter bars now. So happy.

And after tt I go for a nice run with Jane! Going Phuture for certain on Wed. Promised like dunno how many people already! But gonna go late coz have chalet before tt. Oh, dammit, cannot restart on assignment.

Bah bah bah...

(note: incoherence of author is due to fact tt entry is being posted at 2.06am, with loud music in background, a lot of program windows open, and a general sense of irritation at self. Author is also disturbed by resemblence of 1 person to someone who used to trouble her. Eep. Not good. Must block out troubled thoughts.)

2:59 AM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

ANNOUNCEMENTS ANNOUNCEMENTS

{insert Monday at 12.50pm. Article of the day: ST Interactive - A Cruel Price for Enduring Freedom. Because it's good for us to know the truth about more things in life.)

Fuck. I need to get my butt off this chair and get back to my Company Law assignment. At this point in time I'm still reading the essays. Highly interesting but the sheer amount of words has taken on a spiders' legs-like visage.

Anyway just wanted to say:

1. I'm at home. For people who are asking, I'm sorry. I like my bed at home a little better. Will be back tomorrow. James: breakfast at Macs this week?
2. I went to collect my race pack for the AHM next Sun. As I examine the race route again I wonder with increasing hysteria why the bloody hell I signed up for a 21km route tt flags off at 5.45am in the morning.
3. For those who have been asking, don't trust everything you read in the Straits Times. Pinch of salt *always* required. BBC news is a more worthy source, unless you want Singapore-only events. And oh yes, YaleGlobal is both informative, objective and well-written. People who want something different should have a look. I love tt site.
4. Need gym/swim and run khaki this week. Resolve...is...low... And I must be able to run 21km by Sun!!!
5. Phuture on Wed. (??)
6. Join dragonboat pls. It's fun. Really.
7. For the chalet thing should I bring my Bailey's along too?
8. NUS Dive Club - NAUI Scuba Diver Course (Basic Open Water) = $375. Dive Trips after certification = $300 +++. Getting a diving licence = priceless. There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's... UH...--
9. NUS Rovers Club - December: 13 Day North Vietname Trekking & Kayaking Adventure Trip. Departs 4 December. Approx $1645... Who wants to go?!
10. Melissa!!! I am saving my tenth earhole for you! When are we piercing???

Now back to Company Law. If I got you thinking, I've achieved my objective.

12:17 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

IF YOU TOLERATE THIS, THEN YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE NEXT

Cue the Manic Street Preachers.

I'm feeling better today, thanks to 3 different types of medication, a good night's rest and my mom's famous mee sua with red rice wine soup. Yum. One thing I love about my parents is how we can have lively spirited discussions about politics and society. I'm hard-pressed to find people on my level that can actually hold a conversation like tt with me without :
a) going totally blank and getting the 'idiot look' when I mention a Shamungam policy
b) telling me how much they support the PAP and what a wonderful job LKY and his son is doing
c) changing the subject to something more interesting... like SHOPPING! "ooh. did see tt new bag at XXXXXX? it's so gorgeous! omg I think I need to get my nails and hair done..." And then I just end up wishing somebody would just *shoot* me.

So today it started out from a Sex and The City ad. My dad is more addicted to the show than I am. He doesn't understand why the bloody Singapore government (okay, to my parents, the whole freaking show is run by the Singapore government) had the series banned for 6 years. I told him tt it was because the people sitting on the bodies of the relavnt boards were all anal-retentive prudes, just as the people who have nothing to do with their time except write complaint letters to the Straits Times Forum or some other half-baked biased medium were equally puritanical stuck-in-their-perfect-world type morons.

I hate this whole substance vs. form thing tt permeates our society more than any other society. Let's face it. Every society has its own demons. Every society has its fair share of sex, drugs, crime etc etc etc, and for some reason or other Singapore tends to want to cover this up more than any other country. We are not perfect. Just because the more eloquent of us happen to come from schools where jack ever happens or families tt are picture-perfect, doesn't mean tt we have to pretend tt the rest of the world is as flowery and as pink as our own little heavens. It's so fucking hypocritically disgusting tt is why for tt very reason I have a particular revulsion for people like these.

My dad was asking about Sheik Haikel and tt comment he made on national radio. And when I told him he was like "That's nothing what." Exactly. Rude? Maybe? Distasteful? Maybe. But for God's sake when you make a bigger issue out of everything by complaining than anything else would have done, is tt ironic or is tt ironic? Are Singaporeans so small-minded tt we have to resort to complaining about the most ridiculous pieces of shit instead of opening our eyes and shutting our mouths for once?

I said I was angry at the state of my generation. Ironically I am a part of this generation, and I am knowingly experiencing and going through the same things as everyone else, and it irks me even more that I have the previlege of awareness but none of the balls of change.

Look at us. We are a self-centred bunch. Our lives revolve around ourselves. Our image, our looks, our weight, our fun activities like shopping, movies, lunches at Sakae or Big Os or NYDC or any other teen hangout. Our knowledge is limited to what bands and what music and what movies and what soccer teams are worth betting on, and our friends are people just like ourselves. So maybe friends are important and valuable, but then why is it tt half of those people we think are our friends like to make snide comments or talk about us behind our backs or be complete bitches and bastards and the next day still treat us like their best buds? And why is it tt we are so caught up with our own personal heavens tt somehow for many of us our families get relegated to the bottom rung of the ladder. Somehow it doesn't strike us how much we mean to our parents who mean so little to us. Sometimes it doesn't strike us how much one call means to them and how little it means to us.

We are a product of our environment, the dis-enfranchised youth. Our education system is shit. We can produce some of the so-called best brains, most brilliant people in the world. Oh yeah, sure. We are fantastic at maths, at calculating, and even better at regurgitating and memorising. Our system places so much emphasis on exams and grades tt we commit suicide if we don't do well enough. We don't care about the value of what we learn - *gasp* you mean there is VALUE in what we learn?! -, we just want more topics taken out of our syllabus so we can cram better for our exams. Is there even an intrinsic value in what we learn? How do we go through almost a quarter of our lives in school, and still behave like bullies at a playground? Education teaches us social etiquette, how to behave, how to present ourselves, but somehow we are seemingly deprived of the morals and values which are tt much more important. We have the innate capacity to reason - at least I think we do - but somehow some of us don't seem to use it.

For girls at least, bimbo-ism is in. You can be a complete bimbo outside of class and it doesn't matter if you get an A for your exams. But personally I think it does, because I would think more of a person who spends at least half her time thinking and reasoning about things in life, rather than just 3 hours about the things in her exam paper.

We are exposed to so much. Our friends, our society. Are pursuit of material things. People, esp the government, blame it on the influx of Western values. Western media. What is good and what is not. But seriously, in the first place Western media is 10, 000 more watcheable than the crap on those Chinese drama serials. I believe that an over-exposure to the chinese drama serials on Channel 8 actually has a capacity to make us more stupid. It's the same plots, same actors, same lines and same bags of tears re-used over and over and over. Somebody just throttle me to death before I kill myself just trying to survive another episode of something like this. You're wasting my time and my money and killing my brain cells for me. Honestly, shows like CSI or Nip/Tuck and movies like Eternal Sunshine are a hell of a lot more worth watching.

The thing is obviously if we are exposed to so much influence, we will behave like tt as well. And especially because our friends and acquaintances are going to want to behave like tt as well, and chances are most of us will conform because if we don't, we get picked on, ostracised and bitched about for being different. Honestly, I don't think Mirscha Barton is pretty. I think she has gorgeous eyes, but too big eyes on tt small a face makes her look like an extra out of ET, and it doesn't help tt she's built like a skeleton. But obviously I know so many people who drool about either a) having a gf like her; or b) looking like her (honestly, you really want to look like an extra out of ET?!), tt if I actually said anything I'd have a couple hundred spears being thrown at me. Why? Coz I say something different.

What I am trying to say is not so much tt the media is putting out very negative influences for us, although tt is the case. Yes, the media is glorifying underweight girls. I heard tt tt Belinda Lee person is super-thin, and I've heard from some girls who've seen her in person how much they want to be as thin as her. And I will tell you now. Okay, no, I don't think I am thin. I know I have massive arms and am damn heavy. But at least I'm healthy. And I'd rather be healthy than stick-thin, underweight and starving myself like Beyonce (I will not survive on 1 lettuce leaf for lunch just to look like her, don't be stupid). But seriously, Belinda Lee is *too thin*. So is Denise Keller, for tt matter. So they're both hot. So they're both models. But you don't *need* to look to look like them. Have some individuality. Be happy with yourself. Look at Catherine Zeta-Jones. She's big, but *so* sexy.

But what I am trying to say is tt, the problem lies with us. We are supposed to have reasoning facilities tt allow us to exercise our freedom of choice, but NO... it's a lot easier to just accept. If Lindsay Lohan can get a boob job, then a boob job is not a bad thing, it's a good thing. If I have to have a BMI of 17 to be hot and sexy the way Beyonce is, then I'll just not eat for a month and see how tt works out.

Oh yeah. Great idea. I totally support you. And if your plan succeeds, I'll come and cry at your funeral 2 weeks from now too.

We're not thinking. We're not deciding enough for ourselves what's good for us and what isn't. Don't condemn the media for their warped morales. It's up to you to decide what is right or wrong for you, and if you can't do tt, then don't blame anyone but yourself.

And lastly, there is politics. No one seems to want to speak up. The assumption tt there are no avenues has been shot down because there are. It just depends on how badly we want to use them. The problem is tt so many of us are so involved in our own lives tt we either a) don't know or b) don't care. How many of us bother to read the newspapers? A lot of the people who do read them beacause some module or other requires tt they do.

Must it be required by the education system? Why can't it be your own interest in the world tt goes on around you?

Very few people know about or care about the government or its implemented policies. Some people haven't even heard of Vivian Balakrishnan, let alone his history or what he's had to say in Parliament or to the press so far. I've had people tell me tt all is well and good with the world and tt the government is doing a great job and we should support them as we always have. OMG. You're putting all your trust in the government to do everything for us without wondering, without questioning? At all?

My mom believes it's because we've been controlled, suppressed, made to think a certain way for so long tt it's just a second nature to be apathetic to our country and not care. If we speak up, we can't change anything, so why bother? Does this all date back to LKY's early policies of control, law and order, everything in the interests of national security? I admit, I blame him partly for the reason why we're the bunch of people we are. What worked in the 1960s doesn't apply here, and I'm glad tt reforms are being made to encourage creativity and diversity in a way tt should have been encouraged 20 years ago, and not just after the 1998 Economic Crash which left 5-6% of Singapore jobless and the government with a lot to answer for the reason of structural unemployment.

My point is: you can't place all your trust in the government. It is not God, even if it thinks it is. You can't let the government handle everything for you just because it's the easiest thing for you to do. If you can't do anything, at least *know* something. And even if you're bitter tt you can't say as much as you want to say for various reasons (like myself), still knowing and analysing is an interest, and it is ultimately tt interest tt will make your life more meaningful for you.

I would like to say tt my life has meaning for me because I know things beyond myself and I have dreams and ambitions tt I hope will impact more than those around myself. My dream is not to make a lot of money and retire by 40. It's not to live in a mansion in Bukit Timah with a red sports car, a dog, a gorgeous husband and 3 kids. Of course I'd love the whole package, but tt's not the end-all of my life. I want to make some kind of difference. I want to be remembered when I die for all the right reasons.

And I want my children to be like me, thinking, reasoning, big-minded people with a mind to see beyond themselves and the little things tt their lives revolve around.

3:31 PM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

SICK TO MY STOMACH. LITERALLY.

The fact tt I get sick only 2 times a year (unless it's a result of extreme stress) is something I would proudly proclaim to people. But then this sickness only related to fever/temperature-rising type illnesses. It doesn't have anything to do with stuff like headaches or stomach-related attacks, of which I get A LOT.

But the ultimate has to be today. I've learnt tt it's possible to have gastritis so bad tt it lasts for 18 hours (and counting). Coz as of 3am last night I've been spending my sleep-time waking up coz of the discomfort and forcing myself to go back to sleep again so many times tt finally I even got a headache. And at 6am I threw up... water.

Sucks like hell. It's not stomach-cramps type painful, but it's highly fucking uncomfortable. The whole day, even now, there's just so much gas in my stomach tt the feeling of the pressure exerted on my insides is making me feel like throwing up constantly, and it doesn't help tt I can't seem to bloody fucking ignore it coz my hands are shaking uncontrollably and I feel so bloody weak.

Ugh. So finally I decided with great reluctance tt I couldn't go for training. I was really hoping for tt today coz I really realy miss water training and rowing and tt's what I look forward to most every week, but kanina I'm fucking sick and I can't even stand or walk around for a long enough period tt I just can't deceive myself into thinking I can row for 2 hours and run after tt.

Argh. So I make tt decision not to go and tell my parents, and they're like: "That's good. Now we don't have to rush for lunch. We can go anywhere to eat appetising food." Uh. Firstly, I don't think I'm well enough to last long car rides. Secondly I'm not in the mood for appetising. I just want something tt will stop the build up of gases in my stomach.

But anyway I tahan for as long as I can in the car while we drive off to dunno-where, and ten minutes away from the venue I happily throw up.

All I've been doing since then is psycho-ing myself to keep all the food I eat down. I tried to be strong and sleep off the gastritis but it has *so* not worked. Woke up this evening with the same bloody discomfort, and I think I am going to take medication after all coz I don't want this bloody feeling to last till tomorrow.

Argh. Right now I wish I could rip out my stomach from my body and put it somewhere. This sucks, feeling like this.

On another note: when I'm feeling a lot better (i.e. when I don't feel like throwing up anymore and when the gases in my stomach stop their fucking expansion process), I wanna eat mee sua soup again. I like the one at the NUS Arts Canteen with the minced meat and mushrooms actually.

On another another note: I like the Army advert on Will's blog tt says "Not for fame. Not for fortune. Then for f**k?"

Uh. Feel like throwing up again. Bye bye.

10:34 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

(A) PE(A)CE OF (MY) MIND

Peace of mind or a piece of my mind? I don't know, honestly, coz right now I'm feeling very mixed. Am currently at home checking email and doing mass printing. I'm so amused at the email I'm reading tt it's not even funny anymore. I don't see why we even bother organising all these group outings to "meet up" once a year and to "rekindle" what ever is left of our friendship, if there was even one to begin with, when literally everyone cannot make it for some reason or other. Which includes driving, staying home to care for baby brother, going out with gf, etc etc etc.

Let's face it, 1 thing I learnt today in my Company Law tutorial - which went 1/2 an hour over time - is tt if you really want to do something, you can damn well fucking do it. That is why judges are reluctant to allow miscreant directors who breach their fiduciary duties by abusing their powers to give the excuse tt they did so because the company lacked (financial) resources and they were working for the good of the company.

Fuck tt (ok, so my tutor didn't say this but she might as well could have). If the company wants to get an asset or takeover another company badly enough, it will go ALL OUT to get what it wants. So applying it to the human race (altho there obviously isn't a need to coz it's an age-old thing), same thing. Let's face it, you don't really want to meet up. "Another time?" "See you later?" Please baby they're fucking leaving in less than 1 week. So cut the hypocritical friendship want-to-meet-up act. I've been seeing so much wayang shit I'm so fucking jaded already.

Okay. Rant over. I want to go Phuture next Wed but I have dragonboat chalet. PLEASE can I leave after dinner so I can mambo? Please Please PLEASE? I'll be a real good girl after tt! (in any case after mid-terms I doubt I'll have the chance again *bites nails in horror*)

Today I satisfied my craving for Sakae Sushi. I also met up with Yuwei 1 last time before December. It feels like such a long while, but I know I didn't utilise my time with her because:

a) I was fucking hungry coz I didn't eat lunch and I was only eating at 4.30pm
b) I was in a fucking pissed off bad mood. But it dissapated with food and her friendship (and the apology helped a lot). Hope you're not still guilty girl, coz I'm not angry anymore. Hey, look on the bright side, at least I was able to tell you I was angry instead of boiling in silence. Muahaha. Oh, and I love you still.

One thing tt strikes me is tt we never make plans to meet up till friends are about to leave. Like this whole 4 months she was in Singapore, and we never met up more than 5 times at most, until she's about to leave. Same with Hsien and Mark and whoever else I've met. Similarly, I never meet up with my *Singapore* friends in NTU/NS until these UK/US people return from their respective countries and we have these reminiscing class re-gatherings. It's sad. It's almost hypocritical. I'd say there's a highly fucked up quality about this. I know I have myself to blame partly coz I could have made more effort to meet up with them more when I had the chance. But it seems like some fucked up fact of the world. You ALWAYS take people for granted till they're never there anymore.

My dad's been sick the whole week. He called me up on Monday and told me he was going to die. My mom's been driven up the wall by his whining ever since. I love my parents to death, but let's just say my dad needs A LOT of TLC, loves attention and is a bit of a hypochondriac, whereas my mom is more like the strong silent type. And my mom is like me in the respect tt the more you want us to pamper you, the more we'll ignore you. So as a result he's driven her nuts. When I came home tonight and spoke to her privately she had this slightly wild, desperate look in her eyes and told me tt he was driving her into a depression. And my dad keeps saying "Your mom doesn't understand me. Wait till I die then you know."

If you've been wondering why I've turned out the way I have, welcome to the Tan family.

Nonetheless, yes, I love my parents to death. And yes, I am a lot like them.

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

Besides tt, Resident Evil: Apocalypse is coming out in 2 weeks time. And New Police Story is coming out next week. How exciting. Fuck. But I have 3 assignments tt I haven't even fucking started on, and just as bad, Army-Half Marathon in 2 weeks. I'm fucking screwed.

But would like to share a couple of things with everyone anyway. Just random Words of Wisdom taken from various sources tt I hope to remember and live by:

1. Everything is the same, even if it's different. (from the movie "I *Heart* Huckabees")

2. Loneliness is the source of emptiness.( paraphrasedfrom Our Daily Bread. "God made us for intimacy and companionship with others. Even before sin entered the world, He declared that it is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). That's why many people often feel so empty inside.")

3. Ask not what your friends can do for you, but what *you* can do for your friends. (bastardised from Winston Churchill. Basically it means tt instead of wondering why your friends don't seem to be valuing you the way you wish they would, you should take the initiative and show them tt you care first. Because tt's all you have the capacity to do, anyway.)

4. It doesn't matter how rich you are, who you are (or who your daddy or mommy is), how hot or sexy or gorgeous you look, where you stay and what car you drive, how "in" you are and where you club on Weds and/or Fris, intellectual you are, what IQ you have or how you did on your SATs and/or exams etc...

Because if you can't respect people, if you can't give them the minimum face we give another human being, then you're nothing. You really are nothing. (taken from Sharada's blog. Beautiful stuff. Stuff I think *I* need a lesson in.)

P.S. On a totally unrelated note, I *hate* browsing blogs with background music. Because my playlist is *always* on whenever my comp is on, and not only is the double-layer of songs *highly* *fucking* irritating, but 9 out of 10 times my playlist is playing a tune 10, 000 better than the one on that blog itself. This is also why for this reason I keep my blog completely tuneless. I try not to subject people to my own audio-sensory pain.

11:19 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

MOVIES I WANT TO WATCH:

1. Garden State (watch the trailer. it gives me goosebumps every time.)
2. Enduring Love (the movie version based on the book by Ian McEwan) -
"obsession is forever"
3. Alfie
4. When Will I Be Loved - "you can have everything you want, except the one thing you need"
5. Team America: World Police (from the creators of South Park)
6. Shall We Dance? (ballroom dancing, hot latin moves, and J.Lo. what more can you ask for?)
7. The Motorcycle Diaries (the early life of Che Guerrero, as taken from his memoirs) - "let the world change you, and you can change the world"
8. Taxi (Jimmy Fallon; Queen Latifah. If you can laugh during the trailer, how do you think the movie will be like?)
9. Blade Trinity (vampires, action, cool music and gadgets. oh yeah.)
10. Resident Evil: Apocalypse. (because "my name is Alice... and I remember everything.")
11. New Police Story (Jackie Chan. Nic Tse. don't ask.)
12. Meet The Fockers. ('nuff said.)
13. Alexander (Colin Farell and Angelina Jolie. Ooh.)
14. Batman Begins.

...the thing is... NONE of these movies are out yet. Aiyah...

11:35 AM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

...just ate 3 big cookies from Pepperidge Farm. You know, the ones with the white chocolate and macadamia nut chunks tt taste like heaven but whop more calories than a full meal?

guess this satisfies it. i'm fatter but happier.

3:00 AM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

just a message: if you think something is wrong with
a) me
b) my relationship with me

call me on my phone or drop me an SMS.
ask to meet up. lunch dinner coffee or beer, it's all good.

don't say nothing. don't leave mass messages and hope i'll read between the lines. don't talk bad about me behind my back and think i won't know because i am a very sensitive person and i can infer a lot more things than you think.

just a note.

1:08 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

IF THERE WAS ONE THING I COULD CHANGE ABOUT MYSELF...

Perfectionism would be it.

I wish I wasn't such a perfectionist. I wish I didn't keep placing such fucking ridiculously high standards on myself. I wish I would just stop trying to do everything and do everything well, and accomodate everyone and make everyone happy.

You know, you were right. I care too much what people think. I live too much for others and not for myself. I wish I could just cut myself a lot of slack. It saves a lot of self-directed pain, anger, guilt, and stops me from doing stupid things in bids to escape my own self-loathing, hence embarking on a cycle of self-destruction.

I hate loathing myself just because I couldn't do something well enough. I need to learn to let go, but again I seem to have lost tt capacity to. I seem to have lost the capacity for a lot of things, and tt seriously fucks me up.

I don't know why I'm so angry right now. It's with myself and with the people around me. It's the little things tt they have or have not done, but although it's not substantial reason for me to feel this sense of revulsion, I guess logically speaking it all adds up.

Right now I wish I could be like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho and just get rid of all the sources of my negative energy by exterminating them, but unfortunately they happen to be the people I love and I suppose once I do tt I'll just feel 10, 000 times worse.

Okay, maybe I should just give myself some down time and relax and listen to happy no-brainer music and stay by myself until my loathing (both self and others-directed) subsides.


...

too many layers, too many pretensions, i don't know whether to trust what you say anymore.

why do you always ask where i am? understand tt you care but it just gets on my nerves again and again. and bugging. and everything. and i know i shouldn't give a fuck coz no one else does, but i can't help it coz i know how much i mean to you, and i wish you could just mean more to me.

why do you seek to question me and rule my life? it's happened again for the god knows how manyeth fucking time. you've gone and blown things way out of fucking proportion. and while it got so bad once i feel strangely detached. have i really changed? i guess. i think i have. for better or worse? i don't know. what i do know is tt i am in control of my life. i am not bouncing off the walls or screwing things up. i am not listening to people's advice and taking it all blindly. i reason, i rationalise, and i follow what i accept. i don't follow everything for the simple reason tt i am not you and i don't intend to be you, nor do i agree with everything you do. funny how of all the friends who know, you're the one who took things the most personally.

i hate myself. at this point in time, i hate myself. so i'll say it a couple hundred times more over. i hate myself. i hate the way i look. i am fat and ugly. i hate tt i'm not smart enough, tt i don't seem to have the discipline to study hard enough. i hate the fact tt i am so unfit. i can't run fast or far and training always kills me. i hate my social skills. i have none. i am a sad outcast misfit with no friends and i don't know how to make any. and all my current friends are half-baked. like me.

i hate myself. i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.i hate myself.

11:54 PM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

BLIND MAN'S MUSICAL CHAIRS

Just came back from Phuture. Okay, correction: came back from Phuture, bathed and did laundry. I should *so* be sleeping now. It's almost 4-fucking-30am and I have a lecture at 9am tomorrow, my Prop Law tut as well as *training*.

But anyway, on to my short entry. Yes yes yes, I went Phuture. Big deal. I haven't gone since fucking *July* which fucking kills me. So tonight I went with Jane and Sam. Of course, before clubbing I will shower. And the problem with tt is tt I wash my face with this anti-acne facial foam tt I have.

So happily, soap gets into my eye. Fuck. Anti-acne facial foam in my eyes hurts like hell. I wash it out with water until I think it's okay.

So for the rest of the entire fucking night I am tearing. It looks like my left eye is crying, and tho it isn't painful it's damn fucking uncomfortable. My mascara is running, my eye is swollen and red, and I'm so fucking pissed off with the tears I have to wipe away while dancing. WTF?

As of 1.30am 1 of my contact lenses is now on the floor of Phuture. I gave up on the fucking thing.

Besides being blind, another thing about tonight is how Musical-chairish Phuture is. Coz it's currently NTU's mid-term break, the place is swarming with NTU people. That's totally ok, except tt I think NTU guys are seriously desperate. Within the space of 1 night (and I'm talking from 1 am to 3 am coz Jane, Sam and I only made it to the club around 12.15am and by the time we got our drinks and moved through to Phuture's DJ console it was about 1am), 5 guys danced behind me... one at a time. I don't know how they do it. First it's this guy in blue, then red, then white, then dark purple, then red again. And we were moving (away) so much it was crazy.

But anyway those are just the downsides. Other than tt, Phuture was helluva enjoyable. Firstly I was with Sam and Jane, and tonight's Girls' Night Out with them was absolutely fun! I love Sam's red tube. She looks really hot tonight (then again Jane *always* looks hot too). The hair's gorgeous.

Secondly, all I needed to loosen up was 1 Flaming Lambo. Nice. Didn't get drunk, certainly didn't get high, but was relaxed enough. Relaxed is good.

Thirdly, the music was great. Maybe it's coz we didn't come for so long so it didn't seem so static. Maybe it's coz we came later, and the later night music always sounds better. Maybe we were just excited. Hey, the company and the crowd were good after all. Really helped the atmosphere.

Fourthly, I got uh... picked up 5 times. Okay, unofficially. Officially it was only twive. But the thing is one of the most fun things about singlehood is tt you can flirt like hell absolutely guilt-free. I love dancing and I love the attention, I'll admit. So it was pretty great.

Except the second guy in red was a bit of a miscomm. He was wearing a beanie and behaving really flamboyantly, and coz he reminded me so much of someone, I was laughing at his antics. And the thing was he took it to mean I was attracted to him. I was like "Shit! No!" And I was trying to avoid having to dance with him by trying to drag Jane to the toilet, but they were playing In The Club and she didn't want to leave.

Fortunately I think he got the hint. Must have been the desperate way my hands were gripping Jane's arms really tightly and I was trying my best to squirm away from him.

And then the fifth guy was the ultimate. Once the lights came on I left with Jane and Sam quickly. But as we were walking towards BP to get a drink he came up behind me suddenly and wanted to talk to me. But the truth is (and I told him) that I was not interested. At all. No propositions. I like the fun of clubbing and dancing, but not anything else.

Oh well. So half-blind and sufficiently happy with even achier calves, I came back here. So tired now but my hair is still wet. Dammit I hope I can wake up in time tomorrow. *crosses fingers*

5:35 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

"ON THESE BOATS

RIDE THE HOPES OF

WORKING CLASS BOYS"

"....dreaming of girls from faraway points

and better things

like winter flings

and longing after spring has sprung

they fly north when winter's done

and we get burned in summer's sun"

This is my fave part of this song 'Songbirds and Townies' by a band known as

Further Seems Forever. Which not tt many people will know probably coz its songs

may not find its way to radio. 

Oh well.

Anyway a bit on a blog about my day.

The day. Let's see... I woke up bright and early for my lecture - and as usual to fall

asleep during the damn thing. Fuck I think my lecturer looks like he belongs on an

all-male performing ballet troupe.

So I shelve my plans to go to the infamous Law-freeze-library and come back to crash

and get some Prop and Company done. Ooooooo-kay.

Guess what? I watch 2 movies instead: Zoolander and American Psycho.

Both are pretty good in their own ways, and I really recommend you watch the former if  

you like movies tt allow you to leave your brain at the door and just laugh your way

through Ben Stiller's 'Magnum's and 'Blue Steel's, and the latter if you like psychological

thrillers or just fascinating yet disturbing pieces which are incredibly dressed up.



But yes, so much for sleep and study. I mean, in between tt and downloading some

songs off Garden State - like tt Iron and Wine cover of 'Such Great Heights' and

Coldplay's Don't Panic and both The Shins' songs (so exciting!!! I cannot *wait* for

the movie to come out!), I got my Prop Law tut done. Admittedly quite shoddily and

without reading my Binions v Evans and other assorted cases, but it's a START!



And after tt I dragged my lazy butt - with incredibly achy calf muscles (what the HELL

have I been doing) to training, and then dinner with my team mates. KWAY CHUP!

KWAY CHUP! With the intestines and tau kwa! I LOVE kway chup! Altho admittedly

Melissa wasn't amused by the taste of the intestine she tried. Muahaha.