Wednesday, March 10, 2004

 

Recovering my Past #1: March 2004

As of now, I wish to switch back to Blogspot. But I don't wish to lose all that I have worked for so far. So I will attempt to salvage as much of my past as I possibly can.

Wish me luck.

************************************************************************************

Monday, April 05, 2004


SETTLING

My legal theory paper's over. One down, two more to go. I actually thought it would be a piece of cake when I first got the question. Oh man was I wrong. Legal theory really got me fucked. I ended up doing 4 drafts of the essay because each time I would realise that I had SOMEHOW misread or misconstrued some part of the question, and had to change my stand, my argument, my organisation, and god knows what else there was to change. I started on it once I got the question, and yet I STILL only finished it at 11am this morning - 1 hour before the deadline. I haven't slept since Saturday. Ugh.

But at least that's over. The only good thing about it is that I had company. I had a friend to help me out, to keep me sane, and to actually bring some (ok, a lot) respite to my weekend. Thanks a lot. And thanks to the rest of my friends who have stood by me and supported me; I appreciate it. Wanted to tell you guys that I'm stronger for everything, and I love you all.

Thanks to all the people who have left encouraging and comforting comments on this blog as well. I appreciate all of them. :)

Besides the dreariness of legal theory (I'm throwing all my notes out the fucking window baby!!!), this weekend I also got in touch with music, namely the music from the time when I was younger, like the Proclaimers, the Cure, Cornershop, Mr. Big, etc. And there were other genres introduced to me. I like DJ Shadow's Organ Donor. It's such an old-school breaking song. And Foo Fighter's Walking After You. Sweet sweet song. And Southern Son's You Were There.

And the song below. Limp Bizkit ripped off part of it for their song Hot Dog. Here's the original. As S says, it's pornographic. Haha, well, that's true. But the sheer rawness of the song, its graphic in-your-face *desperation* kinda song, gets me. Thanks for introducing me to all these songs. And the movie clips. Especially The Plucking Song. Nothing like a nice clip of your childhood loves to really change your mind about things.

I'm watching the Passion of Christ on Wednesday with my father. I can't wait. I miss him.

NINE INCH NAILS - Closer

you let me violate you
you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you
you let me complicate you

help me
I broke apart my insides
help me
I've got no soul to sell
help me
the only thing that works for me
help me get away from myself

I wanna fuck you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

you can have my isolation
you can have the hate that it brings
you can have my absence of faith
you can have my everything

help me
you tear down all my reason
help me
it's your sex I can smell
help me
you make me perfect
help me become somebody else

I wanna fuck you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god
Currently Playing
Closer
By Nine Inch Nails
see related

Public - 4:33 PM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - edit it - email it

Thursday, April 01, 2004

TRYING TIMES

1. I've lost it. And it was no big deal.

2. Got a fucking D for my legal theory paper. I fucked that up big time. If I don't salvage my grades for my 2nd paper tomorrow I can damn well go shoot myself in the head.

3. Seeing the ex-friend, the instinctive reaction is for both of us to pretend that the other doesn't exist. It's become so easy, and that scares me. It's so hard to show grace, and so much easier to just let things die.

4. I think I'm screwing my life into the drain.

5. I'm going to church tonight for penitential service. The scary thing is that I've commited mortal sins for which I don't yet feel sorry for. Does that make me a lousy Catholic?


Public - 5:55 PM - 8 eprops - 6 comments - edit it - email it

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

GETTING BACK ON MY FEET

It's been a few days since I last blogged. That's good coz at least I know I'm not tt much of a Xanga addict, but it's bad coz as much as I wished I could have used the time to turn my life around and come back stronger and happier, it didn't work.

I feel like I do nothing but waste my time. I have all these good intentions - I've been trying to jumpstart my revision; all weekend I've tried to read up my legal theory, but always, ALWAYS, it just doesn't work out. All I ever seem to do is sleep.

On Sat I went for my final water training before the exams, pretending to be well so that my parents wouldn't stop me from going. Spent too much time in the sun I think coz I was so exhausted when I came back I just slept frm 10pm to 8am the next day. I tried to use the rest of Sunday constructively, but I failed.

On Monday I tried to go to Law library to study. I kept falling asleep and I was bored to tears. Went swimming with Jane instead. Later had legal writing class (feedback session) at No. 5 Emerald Hill, a cocktail bar, but I decided to be a good girl and stick to juices. Just a general note: if you want to show off that you can take alcohol, KNOW your limits. It's no use ordering a long island if you can't take the drink. It's embarassing man.

I have to gripe. I don't get it. WHY is it that everyone is attached??? EVERYONE'S asking about each other's girlfriends and boyfriends and all and well, I am happy that you guys have found that significant other and are happy/in a state of equilibrium and all, but seriously THERE IS NO FUCKING NEED TO PARADE IT IN FRONT OF ME!!!

I've had it man. Okay, so I'm 20 and single and I'm probably giving everyone the impression that I'm UNWANTED and UNDESIRABLE and god knows what else, but whatever it is, it's MY fucking problem!!! Can you just leave me alone on that?

Of course I'd like a boyfriend. Who wouldn't? I know I'm independant and detached and all, but for goodness sake I'm a girl too, I'm emotional, I get damn lonely, etc. But with the kind of character I have, I obviously can't just pick someone off the streets! So stop asking! It's not that I prefer to, it's just that I have no choice, but to wait, for someone who can appreciate me for who I am, accept that I'm different, and etc.

*sigh*

Had an all-night bitching session with J. She stayed over and we talked all the way till 4am in the morning. I'm so so so glad she's around, because I don't think I would have made it through last night without her. The loneliness plus all that frustration is just so unhealthy. :( I have too many demons in me that I never really exorcised. Even when I finally admitted to her something that I'd never told anyone else, although it did give me some relief, I still don't know what to do.

How does a failed friendship affect one so much? Is it more than the humiliation, is it more than knowing that it could have been so much more if not for your own stupidity? Why do I always feel like the ex-friend avoids me because he feels ashamed? Or maybe that he feels that I'm just not the kind of friend to have anymore? J thinks I should clarify matters, call, write a letter. I don't know, it's been 4 months. He is surrounded by new friends. It's been too long, and I don't want to embarass myself further. I do want to salvage things, but I don't know if I can take the gamble. It will be all well and good if we work things out, but chances are, pride will be too big an issue, and things will be worse. At least now, I can escape with my pride. If I take the gamble, even my pride will be at stake.

Pride or friendship? I feel so frustrated, and so burdened.

I need a hug...


Public - 9:18 PM - 18 eprops - 10 comments - edit it - email it

Friday, March 26, 2004

LONELINESS


I got this picture of www.despair.com. It's the best demotivator they've got - my personal fave. Which is also my desktop background and MSN icon. But it's not the current theme of my current post. LONELINESS IS, because coz it's what I've been feeling.

I don't know if it's a downer coz of the lull after hell week and the quiet before the storm that is the exams, but I feel acutely lonely. It never hit me till now. In hall, how isolated I am. That I know people, but because I don't make an effort to be sociable from the start, I'm not close to anyone at all. Not even after dance and everything.

In my faculty, I've no close friends. It's ironic that I actually started out my year thinking that I would form a few close friendships in Law coz I thought I was more on the same wavelength with a few of the people there. But I screwed up a few things, and maybe the crowd I hung out with was all wrong, or maybe because the people I'm with, we just don't gel outside of academics. Maybe it was pride, or competition, or just sheer guardedness on everyone's part, plus add that to the fact that I've quietened down, become more guarded and unfriendly than I used to be, afraid to be too open anymore, maybe that's why it's hard to find acceptance and belonging.

My last refuge is in dragonboat. The girls there truly do accept me. It's just that I'm not close to them coz so many other things had to compete for my time; hall, work, faculty, even my family. I can't really talk to them one-on-one except for maybe one or two, and somehow it just feels so sucky. I don't like having meals on my own, but that's all I seem to be doing nowadays. I go everywhere on my own. I've become a virtual recluse because I've way too much pride to admit that I don't want to be seen looking lose and lonely. Even tho I am.

Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea that I can't stay after all.


Public - 8:51 PM - 16 eprops - 10 comments - edit it - email it

Thursday, March 25, 2004

WATCHING THE WORLD GO BY
 
One thing I like about bus rides, is how you can just gaze out of the window 
and watch the world go by. Of course, this is provided you're not in a mad 
rush such that the bus' crawling is bringing you THAT close to tearing your 
hair out clump by clump; your own personal space has not been encroached 
by a being with an incredibly huge butt, and no screaming babies are swinging 
their arms around wildly and flinging them into your face while their mothers 
remain blissfully 'oblivious'. 
 
But back to the topic. It is interesting how *people* work. I guess when 
you're in a rush, when you're busy, you never realise just how interesting 
you can be. People waiting at the bustop; each with different expressions 
on their faces, dependent also on whether they are alone or in company. 
 
Never do you realise as clearly as till now how a genuine-reaches-your-eyes 
kind of smile makes you SO much more attractive than a stoner-face. I don't 
know how a smile actually adds a radiance into your cheeks, but it does. 
People walking around, each at different paces. The way they dress, from 
smart power-suits (depending on where you are) to shorts and skippers. I 
just saw this girl wear short short shorts that looked painted on, and the 
worst part was that she was pasty, chunky and really spilling out. Ugh. 
 
Passing the NUS track on bus 95, you can see the soccer people training. 
The track people running. What they do at a certain time of the day at a 
certain time of the week. 
 
It's relaxing. You're just an observer, unnoticed, in air-conditioned comfort. 
Your voyeurism has no effect on them, and their actions have no effect on 
you. Somehow everything fits together so nicely.
 
BACK TO NORMALCY
 
I returned to school yesterday 1 day before my MC ended, coz my fever 
had gone. I'm still coughing and all, but I don't feel secure lazing at home 
when my first paper's next week. I realise I'm kind of dead now coz I've been 
neglecting my work for way too long and the exams are a lot closer than I'm 
comfortable with. It's vaguely worrying. 
 
I got my crim law take-home paper back yesterday. I'm horrified at my 
grade. I got a C++ for it. This is bad for 2 reasons: 1. the average grades 
are As and Bs, which means I should REALLY worry about myself. 2. I was 
aiming for an A in crim, especially because it's supposed to help appease 
my scholarship superiors. But I guess on hindsight, I deserved it. I had a 
whole week to do the paper, but I did it on Sunday night. I fucked up on it. 
I didn't take it seriously enough and so now I have to pay the price. *sigh* 
But it's quite a slap in the face.
 
I also found out that I've been rejected from TH for my second year. I'm 
screwed. I got Extension A. Now I'm in a dilemma. Should I stay, appeal, or 
just go home? My current plan is to appeal and see what happens, but 
dammit things aren't working out as well as I like.
 
Today was my free day, so I met up with Hsien for lunch. We went to Nooch 
but a sick person is limited in her choices. In fact I think Nooch was also a 
bad idea coz I suspect there was MSG in the ramen. I felt worse after 
eating it. But the rest of the day was walk-shop-eat. To be honest the 
day was quite boring. Somehow I don't know why but we don't seem to be 
clicking. Or I just don't have anything interesting to tell her. Or I just don't 
seem to have anything to say coz of my throat. But it's quite frustrating.
 
To be honest, the ONE thing I really want to do is run. The weather's been 
perfect the past few days. I've had so much free time. I've  been seeing 
nothing but runners these past few days. Some of them are fast, but WAH! I 
cannot take it when some of them are so SLOW I KNOW I can run faster in my 
wheezing state! Jane just asked me to run with her but I had to turn her 
down. As great as the temptation is, I don't want to unnecessarily and 
permanently damage my respiratory system or muscular system. It's really 
not worth it. Ironically, Jane admitted SHE is also on flu medication. And I'm 
like WHAT? Are you crazy? As someone who's more into fitness than me, I'm 
sure she ought to know the consequences even more clearly. Okay, so maybe 
she's more of a fitness freak than me, but this is ridiculous!
 
I've also been contemplating swimming and gymming. Low-impact blah blah 
blah. But I guess both are not very viable too anyway this week. Okay. Maybe 
I might gym tomorrow if I seem better, but swim and run, def not till next 
week. *sigh*
 
And oh yeah, I HAVE to HAVE to study. No buts about it anymore (and I have 
to stop lazing around, dammit!!!). Otherwise I'm going to end this year really 
badly. Plus I have to get over my addiction to the 9pm Chinese drama serial 
on Channel U too. How sad is that? Yeesh.
 
RANDOM THOUGHTS
 
1. REAL NEED... is to run.
 
2. SIN... is 3 scoops of belgian chocolate ice-cream on a warm waffle, 
topped with whipped cream and lots and lots of fudge.
 
3. RELEASE... is a night of clubbing at Phuture, with at least 6 shots of tequila. 
Haven't clubbed for so long that I feel almost deprived.
 
4. BEAUTY... is a black Mazda6, sleek and glistening in the evening sun.
 
5. A GOOD SONG... is one you fall in love with from the very first moment 
you hear it. Like Hoobastank's 'The Reason'.
 
HOOBASTANK- The Reason

I'm not a perfect person,
As many things I wish I didn't do,
But I continue learning,
I never meant to do those things to you,
And so I have to say before I go,
That I just want you to know.

I've found a reason for me,
To change who I used to be,
A reason to start over new,
and the reason is you.

I'm sorry that I hurt you,
It's something I must live with everyday,
And all the pain I put you through,
I wish that I could take it all away,
And be the one who catches all your tears,
Thats why I need you to hear.

I've found a resaon for me,
To change who I used to be,
A reason to start over new,

and the reason is You [x4].

I'm not a perfect person,
I never meant to do those things to you,
And so I have to say before I go,
That I just want you to know.

I've found a reason for me,
To change who I used to be,
A reason to start over new,
and the reason is you.

I've found a reason to show,
A side of me you didn't know,
A reason for all that I do,
And the reason is you.
(Other songs of mention: Chingy - One Call Away, and Blink 182 - Miss You. :) )
 
SOME MORE MUSINGS:
 
1. Politics is amusing. Fistfights between politicians... Only in Taiwan.
 
2. Quote of the day: American-Austrian tourguide to Hsien: "We are as 
proud of Bush as the Germans are of Hitler. The only difference is that Hitler 
had more brains."
 
3. Chelsea 1, Arsenal 1 (Pires). Bleah. But no real matter. IMHO unless they 
choke at least the EPL's theirs.
 
4. I've always said that regret is an unnecessary feeling. This being because 
regret never changes anything. You can't change the past, no matter how 
much you want to. All you can do is learn from your mistake and move on. 
I've applied this philosophy and it's been successful to varying degrees. But 
there is 1 case where it hasn't worked at all. This case it was mainly my fault. 
I screwed up. You know how alcohol sometimes messes you up if you take 
too much of it? I took too much of it this one time, although it was mainly 
because I was also an emotional screw-up. And I fucked up a friendship. 
It's been such a long time, and while we carry on normal SMS conversation, 
it's like we don't know each other even anymore. We could just be strangers. 
I regret that so much. I regret losing what could have been a beautiful 
friendship, all the late-night talks and CS sessions and visits and jokes and 
clubbing outings. I regret that. And although I know that I cannot change 
the past at all, not being able to change the past is the SOLE reason I have 
to not regret.
 
5. If you're happy, then I'll be happy for you.
Currently Playing
The Reason
By Hoobastank
see related

Public - 10:07 PM - 4 eprops - 2 comments - edit it - email it

Tuesday, March 23, 2004


DEGENERATION X

Guess what? My prediction on Saturday night came true. I developed serious chills in bed. I tried to tahan but after an hour, I gave up, swaddled myself in woolly sweaters and took 3 paracetemols. I assumed I would be fine by Sunday morning coz the chills had subsided by then. My dad was driving me down for my water time trials when he gripped my hand for good luck, and then told me "Do you know that your hand is burning?"

So that settles it. I'm sick. It's 2 days since Sunday and I'm still sick. It's pretty bad this time. My fever's around 39 degrees, which according to my doctor is very high. I've got the chills, body aches, headaches, occasional dizziness, and couple that to a very sore throat, chesty cough and phelgm, and I have a lot to be unhappy about.

This is one of my worse bouts fever-wise because generally my fevers have never lasted more than a day. Currently my fever's still around even though it's the third day and the amount of paracetemol I'm taking ought to be worrying me. MY father is so relieved that he'd discovered my fever before I'd gone for my time trial because if I excercise while sick (especially if what I had is as my doctor said, a very serious case of the flu, I could get cardiac arrest and either die or end up with a stroke or something, like the Ultimate Frisbee case, which is damn sad).

In fact, he explicitly warned me not to exercise till I'm fully-recovered, which will probably have to be around next week or something, to make sure I don't suffer any complications. This really sucks because my original intention had been to use this week, where I'm freer, to catch up on my exercise and build back on my fitness for dragonboat. I actually can't believe it. I'd been so confident of making it through the final hurdle of last week - the water time trial. I'd told myself that once that was done with, I'd be home-free. I can't believe I crashed out just before. *sigh* And now I've to waste this week. But not that I can work any differently. I can be really angry with my body, but I know it's my own fault for stressing it out so much; not sleeping enough, not eating right, all the stress from dance and the pubz stuff and most of all that mad rush for my moot; I guess I should have known that my body would just fizzle out sooner or later. And it did. *sigh* Just a day too soon I guess.

Anyway I can't do very much now. The thing about having a fever is that you feel incredibly weak. It's damn frustrating for me coz when you are normally able to run a few km without any problems, and suddenly climbing up the *stairs* is exhausting, it sucks. I have waves of dizziness when I sit or stand up too suddenly. Headaches come and go. My body aches like and old woman's. I have no appetitie. I can't tell when I'm hungry or not. I just feel weak if I don't eat. I can't even taste anything. ARGH. And I alternate between chills and hot flushes, which is just plain weird. And that excludes all the coughs and soreness. Bleah.

But that's the downside. The upside (or maybe not) is that I've been confined to home. I guess it's a good idea coz in my current condition, surviving on my own in hall may pose a bit of a danger (plus knowing myself I would probably do something really stupid like try to exercise and collapse on the road). I have 3 days MC (the doctor's orders) and I'm to stay home and rest. That's what I've been doing. I've been sleeping like a freaking pig for the past few days. I slept all of Sunday away and a fair bit of Monday. I suspect the sleep was more than just for the recovery of my sickness, but also to make up for all the lost hours of sleep during the past few weeks. Which is good.

But I'm trying to cut back on the sleep now coz if I nap in the afternoon, I can't sleep till later at night (darn). Ooh, but I love the comforts of home. Did I tell you, my *queen-sized* bed with clean, soft sheets and a huge comforter, powerful air-conditioning, the luxury of having some one wash my clothes for me and cook for me and pamper me? *muahahaha* I get to be spoilt. I get good soups boiled for me every night. I think tonight it's cabbage. :)

And these few days because I don't have any school work with me (which raises the implications that it's back to mugger-dom once I go back coz my first paper is on 2nd April and I've so much to cover I think I'll be reverting back to sleepless nights), I've been degenerating in front of my TV. (Explains the title of this post. I'd like to talk about the history of wrestling, but unfortunately Raw and Smackdown only air on Wed and Thurs, and I'll prob be back in hall where I don't have cable access. *sigh*)

Been glued to Channel News Asia, Star World and MTV (the last being the biggest contributor to degeneration!). Channel News Asia has made me realise how much I've almost missed staying insulated in hall and away from the real world. The Taiwan Elections, the Malaysia Elections, the campaign between Bush and Kerry, and the latest: the assassination of the HAMAS spiritual leader, etc. Oh, and Abdullah Badawi and BN have won by a landslide! Which is so fantastic! I never really doubted that but it's great news because PAS's Islamic views are quite extreme and would otherwise have posed a danger to Singapore. Plus Abdullah Badawi has one hell of a presence. He garners respect just by his poise. And his anti-corruption stand is commendable. I respect that a lot.

Realised that some shows I've never actually tuned in to on Star World are worth watching. Like Law and Order: Criminal Intent; Special Victims Unit (one seems relevant to my profession; the other's just plain interesting), Third Watch, and silly comedies like Grounded for Life and Frasier.

MTV just played Mary J. Blige's and Eve's 'Not Today' MTV. It's not fantastic, but I'm a major Eve fan. Love her image, her character, and her music. It's that whole 'I'm a strong, independent woman and I won't take a crap from anyone' kind of confidence. Damn respectable. Just saw Nelly and Justin Timberlake's 'Work It' video too... from the very beginning. I never noticed that they actually had this segment before the actual video where they were gardeners discussing how to cut grass, and firstly Justin goes: "Man! It's hot out herre!" And Nelly gives him this Look. And later Justin's like, "We gotta shave the bush nekkid man!" And Nelly's like "No, we gotta shave the bush stripped!" Never liked the rest of the vid all that much but the beginning's a riot.

Oh, before I go back to my degeneration of MTV, the Sunday Times came out with this article of Sex in NUS/NTU Hostels. My parents were horrified. And then there was the Get Rea! Program hosted by Diana Ser on Teen Sex and when they watched it they couldn't believe what they were seeing. They were like "In my day, holding of hands was the limits." I didn't say anything. But I do have 1 point to make: Some people don't respect themselves enough, and some look for love in the wrong places.

Okay, enough updating. Going back to my degeneration now.


Public - 2:01 PM - 8 eprops - 5 comments - edit it - email it

Saturday, March 20, 2004


WHEN IT CAME TO THE CRUNCH... I BUCKLED

I fucked up today. My moots. The single thing I'd been banking on to pull up my legal writing grades. I'm not being egoistic, but I know I'm a good presenter. I'm definitely not the best, but on a good day I can impress.

I'd been relying on this fact to help me pull through. Unfortunately when it came to it, I failed miserably. Was so damn stressed out by my moots, especially coz it was being held in a REAL courtroom. I'd been spending most of yesterday preparing my arguments and citing my authorities from scratch, to the point when at 6, 7pm at night I was crashing at my comp. I had no appetite to eat, I was in no mood to interact with my parents, I was like a walking zombie.

I woke up this morning with a headache and a sore throat. Went for moots with a heavy head and under a lot of stress. Was feeling damn cold in the courtroom even with my blazer on. Could not concentrate. But when I heard my opponent's arguments I was happy, because compared to hers mine were close to BULLET-PROOF.

But when I presented, I think it was the nerves. My tutor told me to skip my first submission and move to my second. I was being asked a couple of questions. And I ended up speaking so fast, that I didn't know the tutors weren't able to follow my arguments.

That was their comment. "You speak too fast". But that was all they had to say. I suspect they didn't catch whatever I'd been arguing about the whole time.

I was emotionally-wrought. While waiting for my father to come fetch me I had no mood or energy to do anything, say anything, feel anything. I just wanted to curl up somewhere and pretend that nothing had happened. I cried in the car. I can't believe myself. But I was so angry and unhappy with myself. It wasn't that I'd tried my best, it was that I'd seriously fucked up. At the time when it was most crucial for me to succeed.

I feel so tired and so drained. Almost numb. My parents and my friends have been trying to console me, but I guess at the end of the day it's just words. I really do appreciate all the kind words and all, because they make me remember that when I'm at my most down sometimes, there are people who care. For this reason I love my parents. I don't say it or show it often enough. I wish yesterday and today I hadn't been so stressed; then I would have spent more time and paid more attention to them.

But seriously, at the end of the day, no matter how much someone consoles you, it's you yourself who will have to face up to the consequences. I know it's impossible to change the past, and I know that I have to be strong. Learn from this mistake, watch myself the next time I moot, not stress myself out the way I did this week, and move on.

I will. Of course I will. I have to. There's no two ways about it.

I just wish I could just skip this whole initial phase where you just feel so absolutely lousy and worthless and angry with yourself.

Went to church this evening but my mind and heart were just closed off. I was trying to pay attention. I got what the priest was saying, it's just that it hasn't entered my HEART, if you know what I mean. I was feeling very dead, and I'd had 3 panadols for the headache just before.

But anyway my parents brought me for a good dinner. I'd been craving fish & chips; don't know why. Just came back. Called a friend, then watched a bit of news to unwind. I'm still feeling very tired. Very drained, but at least I'm not emotional.

I think I'm just numb now. Trying not to think about it.

Anyway speaking of news, just a few random thoughts.

1. I'm glad Chen Shui-bian got re-elected. I know his government's not exactly clean, but nobody's perfect. And I'm amazed at his and Annette Lu's courage to stand at a podium less than 24 hours after being shot and give a speech. Annette Lu's so dynamic. She said in her speech that when she and the President were being rushed to the hospital, she told him: "Congratulations. The fact that we're not dead means that Taiwan reaps the benefits." Cheesy, but I think she's cool. Haha. And a damn capable vice-prez.

Besides, the other contender Lien Chan seems like one hell of a sore loser. I'm saying this after watching the rally where he called for a re-count of votes, and within the time he spoke, he said absolutely nothing of significance. All he did was say that there was no explanation for Chen Shui-bians's shooting, that the votes were unfair, that his supporters should remain calm, and that the votes should be considered null and void.

2. Why do you need 700 men to go after 3 men armed with only 1 shotgun and 2 pistols? And considering that Tekong is an army training camp, how is the security there such that 3 men can creep in on a freaking SAMPAN and you not know it until the Malaysian government kindly informs you of it???

3. There is an inordinate amount of violence in the world. We're seeing so many bomb blasts and suicide attacks that a weird day is one when the news doesn't have any such reports. Such is the state of the world.

4. Lawyers and policemen have been appearing in the news a lot more frequently. For all the wrong reasons. Embezzlement, misappropriation of funds (interesting how, when you take $50 it's theft, but when you take $5, 000, 000 it's MISAPPROPRIATION?); corruption, and the latest, ORAL SEX. Ugh, this doesn't put both my chosen professions in good light at all. So maybe it's only one in a million, but when the walls are white, even a small black stain can easily be seen. Hopefully when I graduate, it won't become such an issue that passers-by will immediately associate the professions with money and sex. Ugh. In any case lawyers have already been classed as evil, if the quiz and joke books are to be believed.

5. The good Catholic part of me tells me I should catch The Gospel of John and The Passion of Christ just because. To renew my love for Him. But the other part of me doesn't feel like watching either. Don't get me wrong, it's just that I don't like watching medieval films where everyone walks around in robes and sandals and lead donkeys about.

6. My parents are complaining that the Catholic Church should pay for Father Joaquim to hire a lawyer. On one hand I agree coz I suppose they ought to stand by him and not abandon their own kind. On the other hand, I suspect there are strong policy reasons in making the decision not to lend him the money. And one of them being that the tens of thousands could otherwise be given to the Catholic-sponsored charities or the other churches.

Fuck. Think I have a fever. Don't know how I can make it for water time trial tomorrow. *sigh*


Public - 11:54 PM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - edit it - email it

Friday, March 19, 2004


VIVA LA DANZA

That was the name of my hall's dance production. It means 'The Dance Lives' in Spanish. And tonight, the dance did live. Yesterday was a pretty okay performance. I was energetic, but I ruined it coz I missed a few steps. As did a lot of people in the various dance items (but thanks so much Kai and Debiao for coming to support!). I guess it was because we were so absorbed in other less important things like blocking, lights, sound, timing, etc to truly focus on dancing alone.

Tonight, it was different. We were relaxed. I came to hall from home. Today began with me trying to wake up at 8. Rushed my contract tutorial from last night till 3am/ this morning - but I failed. Didn't do a single tutorial question. Fortunately I'm one of my tutor's pets, so he lets me off when I don't do my stuff properly. Heh. :) After that I met a few of the dragonboat girls for lunch at Arts, then went to photocopy the authorities that my opponent 'kindly' sent me. BTW, my moots this Saturday are at the Subordinate Courts. The one in town with the metal detectors and witness stands and such. I feel so fucked.

But anyway after lunch I went to try and practice mooting with my partner, but as both of us weren't ready, we aborted the plan. I went to the Starhub centre in town to repair my dad's TV remote control before he returns tonight, then went home for a nap. Coz home has air-con and a queen size bed and I can be really pampered. :)

Rushed back to hall coz I overslept. Fortunately I wasn't late. Did my make-up and dressed for the performance. It was good tonight. More people showed. My whole dragonboat team came!!! Did I tell you? All 14 of the girls! I'm so touched. And they even gave me this beautiful bouquet of big orange flowers with smaller purple flowers and baby's breath, all wrapped up in pretty green paper with ribbons and all. I am so so touched. :) I love my teammates. They're the BESTEST!!!

But well, digressing. Haha. Anyway the show went really well. Each item had no major screw-ups. I put in a hell lot of energy tonight and didn't make a single mistake (okay, maybe 1 but it wasn't noticeable). And there were breakdancers, and the finale was good tonight. Everyone was really happy. Took a few photos with my comm, but my memory card is too damn small. :(


Above are all the hip-hop girls from my item. I'm the one on the extreme right. See my beeeyoooteeeful flowers?


me and Meizheng, one of the two fantastic choreos for my dance and a real sweetie!

Would have gone for supper @ Holland V with them soon, but Joanne asked for my help to settle the accounts and revenue from ticket sales. So we went with Sheerene over to FS for supper and then I spent an hour+ in her room calculating number of tickets sold + money collected.

Came back to my room not too long ago. Have a lot of laundry to do. I've been too damn lazy these few days. There's a fucking huge dead moth on my table that I didn't notice coz it was half-hidden beneath all my Contract and Crim notes, but ugh, it's too damn icky for me to remove with my hands, so I'll wait till vacuum day to suck it up into my trusty, insect-filled vacuum cleaner (in any case it dried up so as long as I pretend it isn't there, it shouldn't bother me). Yes, I'm disgusting, I know. What can I say? I'm a self-professed slob.

Guess you can tell from my writing style that I'm awfully relaxed. And I am. Okay, so my moots are in less than 48 hours and I have no arguments whatsoever and I'm damn sure I'm fucking screwed, So my water time trial is in less than 72 hours and I haven't trained since don't-know-when and I will be skipping this Sat's water training, and it's pretty obvious I'm just going to fuck that up too.

But I'm just so relieved that it's over. Dance. It's been taking up so much of my time and LIFE in the past few weeks, and it's caused me so much stress and unhappiness and anger and self-loathing etc etc etc, and now, not only is it over, but it also ended on the best possible note that it could. It's over. I'm home-free, and I left a good lasting impression (everyone who spoke to me after the performance said tt I danced really well. Of course, it could be that they are my friends, but heh, I think there should be SOME truth in there right? *grin*).

Now that one chapter in my life is closed, I am free to deal with the other more important events now. Two more to go and this time next week I'm home-free.

Till the exams of course. :(


Public - 2:05 AM - 9 eprops - 6 comments - edit it - email it

Thursday, March 18, 2004


MY PERSONALITY

I just took a test off www.okcupid.com. It told me that I was 'Random' 'Brutal' 'Love' 'Dreamer'.

Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.


"You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."


Public - 2:40 AM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it

Wednesday, March 17, 2004


I'M A SURVIVOR

Oops. Final thoughts before I go nitey-nite. Need to wake up at 7.30am tomorrow to borrow Jane's trackpants for the performance. *crosses fingers in hope of waking up* Maybe I'll go for a long run as well. Make up for the training I missed.

Francis just MSNed me asking how I was doing. But he said no matter what my troubles were, I would survive them. That I always do. :)

I like the compliment. I don't mean to so egoistic, but I think it's true. I don't mean to say that I've been given that many trials and tribulations to deal with in life, because I've not. I'm perfectly healthy (ok, maybe small icky stuff like myopia and sinuses etc); I can see and hear and I have to full use of all my limbs. I come for a middle-class family - so maybe we're not filthy-rich, but I'm not going to starve any time soon; I'm studying in university in a more prestigious faculty (so maybe it's not my dream uni or my dream course), and my parents are together and happy. Yes, I don't have that many trials and tribulations, but I do go through my fair share of hardship (and I say this because my friends whom I talk to tell me that. I'm not going to make it up). Things aren't generally placed on a silver platter for me.

A lot of things have threatened to break me. One of the hardest periods I went through was the last 2 months of last year. I was superbly depressed. In fact even now I don't think I've really found the cheerfulness that I lost. Everyday was just horrible. Waking up, feeling. I was an emotional wreck. I felt so demoralised and useless and unhappy with myself. But even then, I told myself, as I would tell all the other friends who kept me sane then, that in spite of everything, I KNEW I would survive the episode.

After all, what else could I do BUT survive? Commit suicide? Curl up and die? Cry myself into an institution?

I mean, no matter what, I knew that life went on. Inspite of how lousy I felt about myself, I knew I had obligations. To my parents, to my work, to my friends, to my future. There were so many things that I still wanted to and needed to do, and I could only do them if I lived on and GOT OVER IT.

So there. I know I'm a survivor. I've always known. In fact, I have this theory that God gives people different thresholds and proportionate troubles. For me, I think my threshold for pain (both physical and emotional) is very high. I can tolerate high levels of stress. That's why He gives me so much to deal with to test my threshold. But I know I always get through everything.

The hard part is SURVIVING. You KNOW you will do it, but you don't know HOW you intend to do it or WHAT you intend to do to pass the time before you get through it. For that period of depression that carried over to this year, I was desperate. I told myself that I would survive, but I couldn't understand why I was taking so long. Logic always clashes with your emotions, because the latter just doesn't seem to obey the former enough. You can tell yourself that doing or feeling certain ways is just damn fucking retarded, but you can't HELP but do that something or feel that way. I actually started blogging to help me survive. To rant out and clear my thoughts, to communicate with close friends to let them know when I needed help, or whether I was getting better, to get through life. I made a list of all the things I'd wanted to do with my life and what I'd done or what I had not.

And even though I'm scarred, guess what? Yesterday, I saw the person who made my life so miserable. And I realised that I felt nothing anymore. There was awkwardness, and there was this sense of embarrassment on my part - but it was more like, I cannot believe what an utter IDIOT I was! What on earth was I THINKING? What did I see in you to make me such a fool?, but there was no more feeling of pain, loss, sadness.

I survived that.

And although this period is as stressful and has poked major holes into the fabric of my self-esteem, I will survive this too.

All I gotta do is live it one day at a time.


Private - 1:43 AM - 6 eprops - 4 comments - edit it - email i

Wednesday, March 17, 2004


SPECIAL THANKS

Oops. Just needed to add this part in. Thanks to the people who answered my call of distress yesterday and reassured me about my self-worth; people like Jane, Chris, Terri, Kai, and Weiheng (who's also agreed to help me with my moots!!!), and to those who promised to pray for me. You guys helped keep me sane and I really appreciate that. :)


Public - 1:24 AM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it


STRESSED OUT LAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I shouldn't be blogging. I need to sleep (yes. if you feel deja vu it's because I've said this before). But I'm feeling so so so stressed I really need to rant a little.

Yesterday was scary. I think I almost suffered a nervous breakdown. Serious case of demoralisation. Just felt like a failure. Like everything I was attempting was crashing down on me and I couldn't succeed in anything.

It's bad lah. My hall's dance production is tomorrow (Wednesday) and Thursday. Not only am I dancing, I'm also in charge of Publicity. That means that for the past few nights, I've been rehearsing and practising till 2am and 3 am at night. What was the pits was that my dance routine was only finalised on Friday - when I wasn't around - and I had to catch up within 1 session with little encouragement. I felt so demoralised. I know I'm not that fantastic a dancer, but I do know that I CAN dance and I know I pick up steps quickly. But how the hell do you expect me to compete with people who already learnt the steps, routine, and timing before me when you don't tell me a fucking thing?

In addition to that, I had to get out the programme booklet by tomorrow. Guess what? I got all the information I needed for the programme booklet THIS MORNING. I had to do the cover, arrange the information and send the booklet for printing. And tomorrow I have to go down TWO HOURS before my performance to collect the 300 copies. Organisation is damn fucked up lah.

That is hall-front. On Law front I have my mooting this Saturday. The moots is like the 'final exam' for this Legal Writing module that we have to do. We've been working on the hypothetical case since last October, and I REALLY want to do well on it. My classmates have been researching and discussing and practising like crazy and they're all complaining about how stressed out they are about it, but guess what? I haven't been researching and discussing and practising because after 2am and 3am nights WHO will have the mind to study?! Yesterday when I did an impromptu presentation my classmate said I was 'disappointing' because he'd seen me present before and he said that I used to be much more impressive. And it hurt because I KNOW that. I know that in my element I can be good. But now isn't it. And my mooting partner's angry with me coz I never seem to be able to make it for practices. Fuck it lah.

I've also been missing morning lectures for the past 2 weeks coz I can't wake up on time. It's so damn frustrating because contrary to popular belief, I DON'T get a kick out of skipping my lectures (unless they're boring like Legal Theory). The last straw was when I missed my FINAL Contract lecture yesterday coz I woke up too late - and it was an 11am lecture too! I haven't been doing any work or any studies; I feel so dead for my Contract tutorial this Thursday too - my final tutorial with my favorite tutor whom I always try to impress - because I haven't done anything for it and I'm not going to impress anyone or learn anything if I don't know my material or answer. DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT lah! How am I going to secure any As at this rate?! *ARGH*

Lastly, there's dragonboat. My water time trial is this Sunday. All our trainings have been leading up to it. But I KNOW my fitness isn't there now. I haven't had time to run or do strength training. I've missed a few water trainings coz of my weekend Law assignments, and I've to miss all my trainings this week. When I run I know my speed isn't there; my MENTAL is damn weak, and I've gotten gastritis attacks 2 times in the past few weeks already. *ARGH*

Cannot take it.

Cannot take it.

Cannot take it.

All I can do is PRAY that I get through this week in 1 piece.


Public - 1:15 AM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it

Sunday, March 14, 2004


LAZY SUNDAYS

I got up at 6.30am today. Think that was when the hangover wore out. Was really hungry, so though I tried to get back to sleep, it didn't work. I decided to pop by NUS Macs for breakfast, then go for church at 10.30am.

Jane was there with her bf today. I don't know what's been going on between them coz she's been sending me cryptic messages about how she should break up with him and all because he's been such an asshole, but she's never really explained. But she didn't say much to me coz he was there. I don't think they're all right. I don't think he likes me either.

I ordered a Big Breakfast. I don't know why but I'm easily hungry but never full. It wasn't enough so I had to order more food after tt. Faz my Law 3 senior happened to pop by too, so he joined me for breakfast. He came back today to study in Law. Ugh. I don't really see the benefits of studying in Law, but then again I'm a self-professed slacker.

Got to church half an hour early so I went to the cenacle. Remembered Jo asked me to pray for her. Haha. I think I need to pray for myself too. Horrified with myself sometimes. The 30 minutes in there just flew by. There's always this sense of peace and stillness from being there. Clarity.

Went for mass after that. Third week of Lent. The priest was giving a sermon about the responsibility of the congregation - namely the parents, in instilling Catholic values to their children. He'd espoused on how current society was consumed with materialism and 'worldly values' like grades, money, prestige etc, and how God somehow'd lost his place in the hearts of the youth. The whole issue of sex and sexuality was brought up and thrashed out.

I guess there is a point. I don't agree with it I guess. Though I'm Catholic my values are still my own; partially religion-influenced, partially world-influenced. For one, I don't think pre-marital sex is a sin. I find it a little contrived to hear the priest tell us week in and week out, to pray for 'that one couple' to not 'fall into sin tonight'.

It ties in with marriage. To the Catholic church, marriage is a sacrement. Holy, to be revered; unites man and wife as one body. But in reality, I doubt it has that same value anymore. Throughout civilisation, marriages have been made for things like money, parental obligations, to get visa passes, etc etc etc. I'm sure a lot of them must have been made for love too of course, but the truth is marriage isn't all that it's caught up to be. Whether you choose to marry or not is your perogative. It's not the end-all. And what about divorces? What about extra-marital affairs?

To me, marriage is just a recognition that you are husband and wife in law. It's a piece of paper, a cert. Maybe I'm cynical, but that's how I view it. It can be called an extension of the base-feeling love, but it doesn't increase/build upon/create something completely new or improved. It's just recognition.

Sex, is like marriage, an extension of love (to me at least lah). It's a giving of yourself to someone you trust enough, have feelings enough for, etc etc etc. Just because the law hasn't recognised that you aren't married doesn't mean that in your hearts, or in God's eyes, you aren't married. (For more details on this argument, read Thomas Hardy's 'Jude the Obscure'). As long as it's not exploited or demeaned or abused, it isn't a sin, pre-marital or not.

But as paradoxical as this sounds, I don't believe in pre-marital sex for myself. It's weird isn't it? But seriously, I wouldn't give any part of my body away to someone I didn't trust or have feelings for comlpetely. And for that person to want to marry me (spend all that money, make all those arrangements, want to live with me, share property and a whole lot more), would probably be the ultimate expression of that trust and love (the other would be the double-suicide of Romeo and Juliet but that only happens if the in-laws absolutely hate each other).

So there.

I'm at home now. I need to go back to school at 4 or 5, but it's raining and I'm feeling so damn lazy. *sigh* I didn't go for my hip-hop workshop after all. I'm thinking of going back to it during the 3-month break. And Taekwondo too. I miss target-kicking, shadow and contact-sparring, the crazy circuits and physical training, the shouting and even the exhiliration of whacking your opponent's face.


Public - 2:40 PM - 6 eprops - 6 comments - edit it - email it


PAUSING

He said I looked down last night.

I never realised it was so obvious. He's not the first person to have said that lately. Even I never realised I was showing it. But it's scary coming from him because I've never told him much. He's only seen the side of me that I try to show him and everyone else - the usual 'tough' 'independent' exterior that people associate me with.

It's ironic how we don't see each other that often since JC, but he always happens to be there when I need someone around. He more or less saved me that night in December just by meeting up with me, although I will never tell him that, and in a way he saved me tonight too.

Strange thing is somehow, I tend to ruin his outings with me. The last time, I got sick over a long island I had at Jazz @ South Bridge. This time, I got sick because I whacked 2 waterfalls on an empty stomach inspite of never having tried the drink before. He had to see me back to my room to make sure I was okay, but I was feeling too sick to be appreciative. I can't believe myself.

Of all the guys that I've known so far, I think he's the one that I've hurt the most. I'm always doing something that either hurts or embarasses him, and the best (or worst) part about it is that he always seeems to forgive me. I don't know why; he's just that magnanimous. If I'd been in his shoes I'd have written myself off as a bitch long time before.

And he's always there at the right time. I wish I could open up to him and tell him. But I can't.

He's made me realise how much I've been trying to delude myself. So many things that I've been doing in the name of 'fun' and 'singledom', I've been doing to try and fill some gap in my life; short-term distractions for a long-term problem. I suppose short-term distractions worked at the time when my problem was raw and I really needed them to stop me from crumbling, but they shouldn't work now. I need something more substantial to get me over this rut in my life and return to where and what I used to be. Plus my distractions have caused me a lot more trouble than I care to admit. But should I give them up?

He's commented that he's gone past the point of no return. That he's done worse things than smoke and drink. I honestly don't believe that. I honestly believe that I've sunk further than he could possibly have gone. Truth is to me, his character won't allow it.

Here we are, two idiots on a Saturday night, living lives of outrageous short-term distractions to fill long-term gaps in ourselves. But I can never believe that he'd ever be beyond redemption. To me he's one of the 'good guys'. I say 'good' innately. In spite of all that he might think he's got a strong sense of character, a pureness of heart, fierce loyalty to all those that he values in his life, a kind of empathy, a kind of resolve that keeps him true to himself, at the end of the day.

I remember back in JC how I used to tease him about being so righteous and moralistic. His simplistic views about love, friends, pop culture, trends, life. But as arrogant as I tried to dismiss his notions, in some way I admired him for seeing everything so clearly and so distinctly; unlike me who was so cynical about everything. He thinks that since JC he's changed so much from what he once was, and to an extent, on the surface, I would concur.

But as last night has proven to me, he's still the same person he used to be. I wish I can say that I'm the same person I used to be as well.


Public - 7:20 AM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it

Saturday, March 13, 2004


HOME SWEET HOME

Am helping my mom print out stuff. Haha. She's hopelessly computer-illiterate. Very fascinating. I know I shouldn't be so patronising but... muahahaha. Darn. Watched the American Idol: Uncut, Uncensored, Untalented episode with the parents. My mom's addicted to it!!! I can't believe it. Thought AI was supposed to be the show of *my* generation... And *I* don't even watch it in hall anymore.

It's scary the amount of attention William Hung gets. I'm kind of indifferent to him. Don't really get what the big deal is. But what I'm not happy about is how I feel that his whole fame thing is just this giant exploitation of him. Coz he can't sing, he can't dance, he looks funny, but at the same time he's just so nice and you can say whatever you want without him on your back, people just take advantage of that.

Anyway I came home this evening. I had to. Staying in hall would've have burnt me out. I know I have practice tonight and all, but SERIOUSLY. I ended up sleeping so late last night that even though I made it on time for my lectures and tutorials I couldn't stay awake at all, and what's more I had to settle all that last minute Pubs stuff with KR and Eusoff. (And Sheares is SO slow to get back to me!!! Argh. But the time I get my answer I bet it prob won't even MATTER). Such a such a bitch!

Was craving my chocolate milkshake like crazy (I only crave chocolate milkshakes when I'm depressed/sad/lonely/STRESSED). Fortunately the dad was sweet enough to fetch me home and stop at Breko in Holland V along the way so I could get a chocolate cookie cake and a coco twister (my sugar rush and substitute for my chocolate milkshake!). And after that he and the mom brought me over to Original Sin (or rather *I* introduced them to Original Sin) for dinner. It's an all-vegetarian Italian restaurant, much to the horror of my largly-carnivorous parents. They were SO skeptical and kept making comments about going to find bak chor mee with extra meat to fill their stomachs after dinner. Fortunately the meal wasn't a disappointment. Funghi pizza with sauteed button and portabello mushrooms, a risotto and spaghetti aglio olio. Yum. My parents conceded that the pizza and pasta was good. Although the price left much to be desired.

It would have been even better if my dad had been in a better mood. Unfortunately for some reason he was really tired today. I don't know why; he didn't work today, he played GOLF. *raises eyebrow* But anyway I supposed he's stressed coz he has a huge career decision to make, and a lot of factors to consider. And my mom's as usual worried about domestic affairs, so there's always a lot of friction when they both try to get their way (that's the thing about having BOTH parents as Tauruses. They'd rather argue with each other till the cows come home (no pun intended) than give in to each other. ARGH. Good thing is, after years and years of telling each other that they'd have gotten a divorce and left each other a long long long time ago blah blah blah, my parents are staying together coz they still love each other (altho my mom will bite off her own tongue before she admits that to my dad).

Anyway tomorrow my parents are embarking on a week-long road trip from Singapore to Hatyai in Thailand with the Automobile Association of Singapore. So after dinner I was helping my dad paste the sponsor-labels on my mom's space-wagon (or more like, doing that for him. For some reason he insists on telling me where to stick the labels and adamently holding on to the instruction sheet, and then misreading it and making me take out labels and re-stick them elsewhere. *roll eyes* That's the dad for you. Haha). I can't believe they have to fork out so much money for the road trip! Considering that they have to drive through 3 countries with a car pasted over with such large and ugly, tacky stickers advertising Shell (V-Power! Better Mileage!) and AA and erm... Tanglin Cars?, I think they sure as hell have already provided sufficient consideration to take the trip completely FOC. Hey, if you can sponsor such ugly stickers, you can def sponsor a trip. Especially if you're a filthy-rich MNC with bases all over the world and the power to rule small African nations.

I've decided to go back to hall tomorrow night. It'll be a little lonely at home, plus I've got dance obligations to fulfil anyway.

Was just reading the papers just now. Catch up with my current affairs. Another worrying thing about being in hall is how out of touch you can be with the world if you let yourself. Newspapers aren't easily accessible (except Straits Times online, which tends to leave certain articles out. Plus who reads ST Online when 'www.soccernet.com' is so much easier to type?), and it's always a case of 'out of sight, out of mind' for me, despite the best of intentions. I worry myself. I tend to feel insecure when I'm out of touch with the world, like my mindset somehow narrows because I become more backdated and I know less. On Wednesday when a taxi-driver raised the issue of 'graduate tax' I was shocked coz I didn't know that as I'd never read the news in ages. Of course, I saved face with the usual political anti-government 'always imposing GST + this tax + that tax on the consumers blah blah blah to make up for the losses incurred from the cutting of corporate taxes on huge companies that can damn well afford those taxes blah blah blah' conversation, but well. While smoking can fool some people some of the time, it doesn't fool everyone all the time.

The news is interesting. I'll give them that. But not in a good way. Bomb blast in Madrid, 198 confirmed dead. That fucking sucks. I guess since Sept 11 terrorist attacks aren't all that surprising anymore, but SPAIN. This isn't Israel or Palestine or Pakistan. This isn't even Slovakia. This is Spain, where there are hot Latins and beautiful people. Ronaldo lives there with Raul and Zidane and Beckham. It's a rich country. It's a peaceful country. It's supposed to be known for a lot of things, but sure as hell not for terrorism. It's sad. Death is always sad. Violence is always sad. It's one thing to embrace it in the movies, but another when you know that someone's lost his son or daughter or father or mother because some person had it in his mind that he wanted to make a POINT.

It's all about making a POINT. Making a stand. That's what they want to achieve. But it seems they can only achieve it with war, violence, death. Killing innocent people, so-called soft-targets, because soft-targets cannot retaliate.

Fucking hell.

It's an eye-opener. No one expected it. Why Spain? What had they done to draw the wrath of an attack? Because they supported the US? Is that enough of a reason?

I guess for many of us Singaporeans, we'll probably just see it as another piece of news. Oh, another terrorist attack. Whoop-dee-doo. Spain this time you say? Oh, that's a new place. Ok, now on to soccer news tonight. Everything just happens so far away from us that we are wrapped up in our cocoon world, blissful in contentment that nothing will ever happen to us. Oh no, nothing will happen to us. Nothing has, and nothing will. Bali you say? Well, that was in Indonesia, and you all you how unstable Indonesia is. The JI Whitepaper you say? Oh no, but the police saved us. The police will always be there to save us. I never have to worry. It won't happen to us.

I don't know man. No one in Spain expected it either.

The other piece of interesting news was the thing about NUS reviewing its admission criteria. I'm reading about NUS saying that they'll be depending more on interviews and looking past results. Coz they want to attract a more diverse culture of people who can add colour to the varsity; challenge it with new ways of thinking blah blah blah.

RIIIIIGHT.

Call me cynical, but in my opinion, this looks to be yet another hare-brained idea. I'm sorry man, but I think that both the Singapore Education system, as well as the NUS system, is fucked up. There's something fundementally-wrong with both, and seriously, no matter how many surface changes you make to the systems, no matter how radical and outrageous your new ideas are, as long as they don't address the fundemental issue, you can go on trying for the next few fucking decades and change absolutely nothing.

Let's take the whole through-train idea. WOW! New idea! So exciting! Taking out the O'Levels! So radical! Ooh. Radical = thinking outside of the box = according the the governnment, that's the way to go = GOOD. We're implementing this system to remove elitism and stimulate creativity/breed entrepreneurship right? Yes, and it really does that. Now all the 'other schools' don't have to worry about being unable to go to college anymore coz now the JCs will have places for them! Because the top schools like RI RJ TCHS HCJC will have this new and improved 'through-train' system where they can stay in the same school for 6 years, which leaves the JCs to all the 'other schools'. Yes! Our complaint of elitism is settled.

RIIIIGHT. Why not let's also scrap the 'Normal' stream for PSLE? Let's let everyone go to 'Express'. And the former 'Express' students can just go to 'Special'. And you know what? Since we have to distinguish 'higher mother tongue' people from the 'mother tongue' people, let's create a new stream called 'Extraordinary' for them. There, problem of elitism and the backlash from labelling all settled.

Haha. Rename, reword, resettle.

And NUS. I don't see how we can be called a premier world university. They're always talking about how we are stimulated to 'think outside the box' blah blah blah, but seriously, how many Science and Engin students have been able to find different and accepted ways of arriving at a single conclusion? How many med fac students *live* their lives in the library memorising every bit of the human anatomy, knowing that after 7 years of that they'll be spending the next few decades of those same lives walking up and down the same white-washed corridors of the adjoining hospital? And how many Arts students are really encouraged to think outside of the box? What's the use of being told that you can come up with any answer and it will still be accepted, so long as you can substantiate it, when after you do, your lecturer says 'Good essay. Well thought-of arguments. BUT this doesn't conform to the standard format', and marks you down for that alone? Then what do you consider controversial? The usual homosexuality/sex/religion/race arguments? Gender discrimination? Oh yeah, give me your views. This is so BEEN THERE DONE THAT. They're not even controversial anymore; they've been around so long they're just another norm of society.

Ok, granted, there's the whole cross-modules thing, but seriously, does anyone give a fuck about the modules they take outside of their faculty? Ask an Engin student how he likes SS. Ask an Arts student if she understands even the basic concepts of the Physics module she has to take for goodness-knows-what-reason-is-unknown-to-her because at the very end of the course, she knows as much as she started out with.

Conformity.

That is the bane of both systems. It's the root of everything, including our society. Sure, it may have worked when the government had to rule us with an iron fist to maintain order and a firm rein and all, when people were largely uneducated and had nowhere else to go. But things are different now. We're largely affluent, educated, we have places to go, dreams to achieve. We're largely influenced by the individualistic societies of the US and UK (both good and bad), and a patriachial government cannot serve us well anymore. The world just won't allow it.

You're trying to 'breed' creativity and 'entrepreneurship' in a society conditioned to conform over decades and decades. It's not just from the government; the virus extends to the very lecturers in NUS. And no matter what kind of new-fangled ideas you come up with, they just don't seem to go to the root of the problem. Because the problem is one that permeates the whole web of society from the very government to the hearts of those you rule.

There's got to be some HUGE change, not merely renaming or rewording. Don't kid yourselves.

Coz I'm not going to kid myself.


Public - 12:44 AM - 2 eprops - 3 comments - edit it - email it
Friday, March 12, 2004


I NEED SLEEP

I shouldn't be blogging. I have till 2.30pm to catch up on my much-needed sleep now, and here I am in my room at my laptop typing out useless stuff to the tune of Mary J Blige's/ Eve's 'Not Today'.

I slept at 3.30am last night. Was up at 8.30am today. That's seriously not enough sleep for me because I really need rest. We ran 6 km for training last night. That was a 14km discount from what I'd originally intended to do. But somehow while it was mainly manageable, that + dance practice till 2am + was hell.

The dragonboat girls are great. I love hanging with them so much! They're always so unassuming, unpretentious and damn damn funny! And they cancelled next Thursday's training just to support my dance production! The whole team is coming! I am so so so touched. I never expected them to. It's really damn sweet of them.

Only downside is that my water time trial is on that Sunday, 21st March. I die. Rowing an entire dragonboat by yourself for a distance of 350 m against the clock is sheer hell. And Saturday I've got my full moots in the afternoon. I don't know if I should go for training in the morning. I think I'm going to die for one or the other.

Next week I won't have time to train either. I've got dance practices everyday and full rehearsals every night till 1 or 2am. Don't know how I can survive. And apparently my Publicity work isn't over coz we need to design the program booklets. Problem is my head kind of wants something elaborate, and what she wants it seems there's no way for me to get it done. Seriously. Plus it's going to be really last-minute again.

I still need to contact the other hall's JCRCs to advertise our posters. Someone said she'd get me the contacts on Monday night but since then nothing has been done. If I hadn't gotten friends in KE7 and Raffles to help, nothing would have been done. Getting Ee Yang/Ross to help me contact the cultural director of KR. Got the number of the hon gen sec for Eusoff. Now I really need Sheares but no reply from that quarter. Ugh.

Dance practice isn't going great. My choreographer's angry with me coz she thinks I don't take the practices seriously. I wasn't around Wednesday or Thursday before 9pm, and tonight I can't make it coz I need to go home. But the thing is I have a life too. I have work to do, training to go for, and I have parents to whom I have a responsibility to obey, and while dance is important, I'm not crazy enough to completely abandon everything else for it. And I do this knowing that I CAN catch up to the moves. If I knew I was lousy, I'd obviously come down for even more practices. But I know I've got a reasonable standard, and I know I can catch up. Besides, just as you have a packed schedule, just as you can make it some days but not others, you can't expect any more from us. The days I've been free and asking for practice, you're never free. And then when I am not free, you fix practices at such times and get angry when I tell you that I can't make it. WTF?

*sighz* I feel at the end of my tether. All these obligations are stretching me. I'm obligated to my training, I'm obligated to dance dance and dance pubs, I'm obligated to my mooting partner to prepare and practice my lines, and somehow I just can't get my act together.

I need to get my life in order.

Speaking of which, Jitterbugs is holding a Hip-Hop workshop (Intermediate) on Sunday afternoon between 3pm and 4.15pm. I think I should go for it. Relieve some stress + get my groove back for Wednesday and Thursday.

And ARGH. I just realised that I've got huge bruises on both my knees from the floorwork I have to do for my routine. :( Make that the second gripe I have about being in TH Dance. The first gripe is that ALL the girls in TH Dance are slim and damn chio, making me undeniably the elephant among the swans. Life is unfair.


Public - 1:56 PM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - edit it - email it

Thursday, March 11, 2004

RETAIL THERAPY

Well, just back from a day-long shopping trip. The fucking rain ruined my 20km run!!! ARGH. Hopefully it won't be raining at 6 so AT LEAST I can do 10.

But anyway I was pretty damn exorbitant today. I am so dead. When I graduate I'd better earn a hell of a lot in order to upkeep my lifestyle.

I went out today get black track pants for my dance performance (ooh. saw this pair at adidas. was really pricey, but it made me look completely un-fat, so it won me over!), as well as a black blazer for my moot. Got a jacket-and-pant suit from G2000, but the cutting of the pants suck. They make my tummy/hips region look like they belong on a hippo. *sigh*

But THEN... I became indulgent. Bought the Intolerable Cruelty VCD coz I still can't seem to find the site where I can download it from. Bought a white tank top and 2 tubes from Bugis Village (the streetwear there is so cheap! Haha.). And I gave in to temptation and bought cK One too.

Argh. I have a weakness for cK scents. Specifically ck Eternity for Men. That scent turns me on. Someone I used to be closer to wears it all the time, and somehow I've always been partial to it.

If I had a boyfriend, I'd buy him cK Eternity just so I could share his scent. I think it'll be really sexy to share a scent as your other half. *wink*

But obviously since I don't, it will be plain dumb for me to wear a scent that masculine coz people would prob just think I was lesbian or plain weird or something. And the female version is waaaay too floral. Not my kind of thing.

So I figured I'd settle for cK one. It's not as sexy as Eternity, but hey, at least I can get away with wearing it.

But damn... I am such a spendthrift. Ugh.


Public - 5:00 PM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it


THE MORNING AFTER

I'm up at the ungodly hour of 9 (ok, ungodly considering I slept at 4 and I haven't had enough sleep the whole of this week; breaking out in a huge huge way... GRAAAAH!!!!!), and the crazy amount of web-logging I've been doing these few days have confirmed to me that I truly am a sad blog addict. *sighz* My only consolation is that at least I'm only furiously updating 1 blog and not 2 (oh no! my other blog's feeling neglected. :( )

I'd actually wanted this blog to be less personal coz it's a public blog and I've more or less identified myself to anyone who wants to know me, but it seems that it's quite personal for a public blog (although it's just good timing that my life is currently boring and scandal-free, so I don't have the problem of having to censor myself at this point in time *crosses fingers*). I'm actually feeling schizo coz of this.

But anyway argh. I'm hungry. The problem with alcohol is that either 1. I get high (which hasn't happened in AGES); 2. I get drunk (which has NEVER happened altho I've been trying to get there); 3. I'm perfectly sobre (ok, maybe a little woozy, but def know my bearings) until I get back to my hall, and then my vision starts blurring and my stomach starts churning (for some reason, 'Lambos and Long Island NEVER settle well in my stomach, both separately and combined). And then I force myself to sleep before the headache comes too. Fortunately I haven't suffered hangovers for a long time.

But the next morning I always feel hungry. Ok, either hungry or churning stomach + hungry.

A friend just messaged me. He thinks I should give up alcohol and become a saint (I think it's because I've messaged him on previous occasions asking how to cure hangovers). I told him that I didn't intend to give it up in the near-future because it was my form of escape. It helped me when I was emotionally-unstable some time back (ok, not really. I'm kidding myself), and it helps me forget the societal restraints of my otherwise (currently) conservative life, if only for a few hours.

The irony of things is, I don't even like the taste of alcohol. Long Island tastes like medicine. 'Lambos have this icky sickly-sweet taste and every time I down one I wonder if my throat will get burnt from the fire on top of the drink. I usually go for shots because they are small and can be downed in 1 gulp. I can't savour coz I think alcohol just tastes disgusting.

It's amazing how I can knowingly put poison into my body knowing that I hate it; it upsets my stomach; it may put me in potentially-compromising situations (if not for good friends like Jane) and it affects my fitness (which is something of an issue to me).

The good thing about today is that it's my free day. No lessons, no homework... I can catch up on all the work I've backlogged since Feburary (which is a lot considering how many lectures I oversleep and how much of my course material I don't bother to read up). Only thing is, I need to go out to buy track pants for my dance performance next week. And I think I'll be running 20km today coz I promised Jane I'd run 10 with her before my training (which will probably add another 10 to the distance). I've never run 20 km in my life. I'm really dubious about it, especially coz of my alcohol intake which has an after-effect on my endurance. ARGH. Plus I've got dance practice tonight to catch up on what I missed yesterday, AND a full-run rehearsal that promises to run from 9pm to 12am (but will extend to past that for sure).

Man. It's time to get myself revved and ready to go.


Public - 9:53 AM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - edit it - email it


GIRLS' NIGHT OUT

Just got back from a night of clubbing, and just finished this chicken pie I got from BP. I know I'm not feeling high, but I'm def feeling out of sorts. Anyway 2 Flamin' Lambos + a glass of Long Island Tea will do that to you.

Was with Jane tonight. Watched Uncensored with her, then studied for about 2 hours. We made our way to Zouk around 11, but because I was absolutely craving a chocolate milkshake (I need to experience that rich, ice-cold, creamy chocolate-y taste ASAP!!!) I indulged myself with a Haagen Daz ice-cream. Then I whacked a glass of Long Island and 2 Flamin' Lambos (why oh why don't they have Daterape or Waterfall??!!)

Anyway we stayed at Zouk till 1 with Jane's friend, but I concluded I wasn't high enough to appreciate Mambo. Went over to Phuture but at 1am the music sucked. In the end we took a cab down to dbl o at MS, but they were playing house (bleah) so we bunked at Cheeky Monkeys. But apparently not only is the crowd ugly (contrast to Phuture with the beautiful people), but the 2 transvestites humping each other were such a such a turn-off tt despite the good music, we couldn't really enjoy ourselves coz we got so grossed out. So we ended up walking back to Zouk.

From 2am to 3am we were at Phuture. I concluded the music's only good after 2am. Got picked up 4 times in total; once at Zouk just before i got my drinks; once at Cheeky Monkeys; once back at Phuture by this guy dancing behind me who tried to offer me a drink and Jane a cigarette; and once by this guy who would dance up behind me and put his hands around my waist, but not have the courtesy to introduce himself or strike up conversation. What a loser.

Don't get me wrong. I like getting picked up. I'm a self-confessed tease. That's the good thing about being single. You can fool around without feeling guilty at all. But I don't understand why the only guys who pick me up are such losers. What happened to all the 'hey-good-lookin's?'

Bah. I haven't had indecent fun for a long time. Tonight was fun, but it was too decent. Thing is Jane's attached, so she's more conservative about stuff like this. But me, I don't really care. As long as it doesn't extend to sex, I don't mind having fun and fooling around. It's been way too long (plus the last time I made out with someone it was 2 months ago, I was drunk, I was trying to get over someone else, and as a consequence I ended up destroying a friendship that I treasured).

I need some new fun in my life.


Private - 4:01 AM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

dance CENSORED

I came back from watching Dance Uncensored: a showcase of dances from the 6 Halls of Residences, hosted by Kent Ridge at UCC.

*pause*

Who are they kidding? It's more like the Kent Ridge dance production with a few guests thrown in. And at the credits they even forgot to mention that Eusoff and Temasek existed.

Ok, I'm sounding really bitchy. On the whole the production wasn't all too bad. There were some really good items like the Painters and Pace Pace from KR, and my hall dancers were hotHotHOT! And watching people like Ross do hip-hop was a highly entertaining way to spend an evening.

But on the downside, I guess it was a little too long. Thing about dance productions is that too much can be overkill. That's why my hall's production is going to be short and sweet. Tonight it was 17 dance items. And there is only so much jazz and hip-hop you can take in 1 night. The thing is we're looking at student choreographers here. Yes, the choreography is good, but the problem is everyone has similar mindsets. I'm seeing similar moves over and over and over again. Hip and butt-shaking is a good way to fill time space, but it shouldn't be the main focus of a dance. There is a fine line between sexy and overkill and after a while it just gets overkill. Long flowy skirts make ballet-like movements even more graceful and fluid, but when you're doing things like kicking your legs in the air such tt your black tights are flashed it just kills the grace.

And the emcee was such a loser. Gawd.

Anyway that was over, and all in all it was still an experience. Saw a few people I shouldn't have been surprised to see, and one whom I'm less troubled not seeing.


Public - 10:35 PM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it

Wednesday, March 10, 2004


I'M JUST BEING IDEALISTIC HERE

Got this from my email. How true. How difficult is it to understand anyway???

The Truth About Girls:

1. When a girl says she's sad, but she isn't crying, it means she's crying in her heart.

2. When she ignores you after you've done something wrong, it's best to give her some time to cool down before touching her heart with an apology.

3. A girl can't find anything to hate about the guy she loves (which is why it is so hard for her to 'get over him' after the relationship's over.)

4. If a girl loves a guy, he will always be on her mind every minute of the day, even though she flirts with other guys.

5. When the guy she likes smiles and stares deep into her eyes, she will melt.

6. A girl likes to hear compliments, but usually is not sure how to react to them.

7. When a particular guy flirts with a girl very often, a girl would start thinking the guy likes her. So if you treat a girl just as a friend, go easy on the smiles and stare ok?


8. If you don't like a girl who likes you, break it to her gently.

9. If a girl starts avoiding you after you reject her, leave her alone for a while. If you still treat her as a friend, talk to her.

10. Girls enjoy talking about what they feel. Music, poetry, drawings and writing are ways of expressing themselves.


11. Never tell a girl that she is useless in any way.

12. Being too serious can turn a girl off.

13. When the guy she likes calls her for the first time, the girl may act uninterested during the call. But as soon as the phone is back on the hook, she will whoop with joy and immediately start telephoning her friends to spread the news.

14. A smile means a lot to a girl.

15. If you like a girl, try making friends with her first. Let her get to know you.
16. If a girl says she can't go out with you because she has to study, leave.

17. But if she still calls you or expect a call from you, stay.

18. Don't try to guess a girl's feelings. Ask her.

19. Hearing the words "I love you" is a great reassurance to a girl that she is beautiful.

20. After a girl falls in love with a guy, she'll wonder why she never noticed him before.

21. If you need tips on how to flirt with a girl, read romance stories.

22. When class pictures come out, a girl would first check who is standing next to her crush before actually looking at herself.

23. A girl's ex-crush will always be in her memory, but the guy she loves now stays in her heart.

24. Girls love having fun!

25. A simple 'Hi' can brighten a girl's day.

26. A girl's best friends usually know best what she is feeling and going through.

27. Girls hate it when a guy pays attention to them just to get close to their 'prettier' friend.

28. Love means devotion, caring and happiness to a girl, in that order.

29. Some girls care about looks, some care about brains, but ALL girls want a guy who will love and care for them.

30. Girls want nothing more than to feel loved.


Public - 3:41 PM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - edit it - email it


WISHING

Sometimes I just wish I were an amnesiac. Or at least half of the detached person I aspire to be.

I hate it that I can never FORGET. That I allow myself to remember things that I shouldn't, things that should just be erased from the recesses of my memory.

I hate it that I still allow myself to be affected by things that shouldn't affect me anymore.

It's unnecessary unhappiness. It doesn't change any thing nor improve my life. I wear myself down with imaginary burdens that shouldn't be there.

I wish I could get back to the person I used to be. When I didn't give a flying fuck about anyone or anything other than myself. Selfish? Definitely. Narrow-minded? Maybe. Afraid? Hell yes. But at least then no one could hurt me.


Public - 3:28 PM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it


COMPLAINTS

Fuck why doesn't it ever stop raining?!

BTW, I hate people who take me for granted. If you're my friend and you want me to be there for you, it's all well and good coz I will be.

But how many fucking times do you want to disappoint me?


Public - 3:03 PM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it


SONGS OF MENTION:

There's been this song that's been playing in my head since I heard it on the radio a few weeks ago. I never really paid attention to it then, but it's like a No Doubt song - it creeps up and grows on you like moss without you even noticing. And one day you're like: Wham bam! Ooh... why do I keep playing this song in my head? Waitaminute what IS this song to begin with?

Anyway it's called "Try" by Nelly Furtado.

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

This song just gets me because it's so HUMAN. I suppose the catchy chorus works in its favour too, but argh, it just GETS me. I saw the mtv on Sat night when I was taking a break from doing my lousy memorial (YES! I have cable at home! Home is the ONLY time I can catch up on MTV and Arsenal thrashing whichever team they go up against and Wrestling! *sighz* That's the sad thing about hall. No cable. My dad says he misses watching Triple 8 (hHh) beat up the Rock. But out of point.). The setting was a 19th century rural farmhouse, with Nelly Furtado (henceforth referred to as NF) playing the wife of this farmer guy. And apparently it seems they're both in love (the subtle hand-holding/messages-through-the-eyes type, not the hot-and-heavy tasteless blah stuff), but they both (or at least farmer guy) have a lot of hardships to go through to keep the farm together (there's this snow segment with the heavy winds and all). But at the end of it (I think) they survive because of each other. (It's either that or he's left her and what I infer to be scenes of solitary contemplation on NF's part might really be scenes of an aftermath of he leaving her).

But anyway the whole gist of it is, the song is worth a listen. You don't have to be a pop fan or a radio fan to appreciate honest writing, that's just my opinion.

By the way, even though my name is incredibly rare, both Dido and Bjork have songs written after it! Hahahahaha. *snigger*

The only gripe I have is that Dido's song is incredibly depressing (I intepreted her lyrics as either referring to suicide or self-exile) and Bjork's song is just well, Bjorkish. Aka weird.

Bah. I have to go sleep now. Or at least TRY to. Haha. Pun. Haha. (Somebody shoot me now, I think it's too late at night for my sanity to kick in).


Public - 1:58 AM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it


HAVE BLOG SHOULD USE IT:

I just got this blog account just to comment on a friend's page. Imagine that. And now at 1.21am at night when I'm tired and screwed from the backlog of work that's built up since... well, since the beginning of this sem, I've decided that after an afternoon of contemplation, I shall use this account.

Or endeavor to.

Don't get me wrong. This isn't my first blog. I'm not writing this in the throes of orgasmic excitement. It's a 'blah' feeling. There's detachment, but there's purpose. It's just that my first blog - which I update so frequently I think I'm a bloody blog-addict, is private. Meaning it's diary-like/ for-my-eyes-only-coz-every-other-thing-written-in-it-will-cause-a-scandal-and-offend-delicate-sensibilities/you get the picture.

So I figured that I might as well try to start a public blog for fellow blog voyeurs like myself. I don't foresee an interesting read because most of the juice will be kept to myself in my private blog, and I don't forsee any real humour because I by nature, am not a natural humourist, nor will I undertake a mammoth task of attempting to be one, but I do foresee entries that might make sense.

Or fill space.

Pick one.

So yeah, this settles it. Izzy's in the house.


Public - 1:25 AM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it

# posted by Kitana @ 3/10/2004 02:18:00 PM
Comments: Post a Comment

<< Home
now playing: hotel costes - cafe de flor

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?