absolutum dominium

i want to indulge.

the feeling is so fucking strong. usually post-exam it's time to cut loose and let your hair down, but this time i want to do more than that. i've been feeling like i want to *really* cut loose right now, before training starts proper and i have to restrain.

i want to get fucking drunk this wednesday, for sure. i want to take 2 lambos and a blowjob. i want to experiment with more drinks. i was so tempted to light up yerterday. i want to really just push the envelope right now. it's never been stronger, this urge to dance with the devil.

if you ask me why, i'm probably going to say that i miss being wild and drinking and partying too hard. it's been too long and i'm so fucking sick of being straight, being a good girl, being guai. i'm too young to be straight-laced now.

and that would be half the reason, but i would be deluding myself if that were all of it. coz it's not. the other half: i'm trying to forget. to forget the troubles that have plagued my mind, the unfulfiled dreams and the empty promises. i want to stop dreaming and start living. and i do acknowledge that indulging in the physical may not be the best way to forget, but it's the best and fastest way i know how.

so let me let go.