absolutum dominium

the reason why i'm blogging so much this morning is coz i'm bored at home. am stuck with the carpenter. dad's orders. no, no matter how kinky it sounds, it is NOT i assure you. yes, i like older guys, but not old enough to be my grandfather. and the carpenter is 82.

my results are coming out at 3pm. i'm not checking them today. i'm not prepared. i had a dream a few nights ago tt i got all Ds for my results, and i don't know if tt's a premonition, but considering how much my papers sucked, i wouldn't be surprised to find out that i have to kiss 2nd-uppers, and even my exchange, goodbye.

speaking of which, silah from the dean's office has emailed me to tell me tt the confirmation letters are on their way. but till now i still don't know if tt means an acceptance or a rejection, and i'm very scared. life feels so uncertain academically. and though my grades and results don't mean the whole world to me, they mean enough for me to worry about where i will end up in life if i fuck myself upside down now.

i am completely unhappy tt law fac is moving to bukit timah. i don't care tt it's a lot closer to my house. i don't care tt it's even closer than scgs was and is only 2 bustops further than hwa chong. i am pissed off at the fact tt i will not be able to stay in hall anymore coz i have no justifiable reason for it. i will have no more src gym or src pool or a1/a2 route to run with my teammates anymore. i will not be able to study in yih with them or have lunches with them anymore. dragonboat training at src is going to seem incredibly weird to travel half an hour from 1 part of nus to another. fuck. i don't care abt the 'quaintness or the charm' of fucking bukit timah. i don't care tt much tt botanic gardens is a nice place to run through, or tt orchard is nearer, or tt if i were superbly rich i could eat at the les amis retaurant in botanic gardens. i don't want my uni life to consist of law school and studying/hanging out in the lib/going to orchard only. i want to have training. i want to have dragonboat. i want to have my girls around me.

fuck you nus.

on another note...

i'm bored to tears. i really can't stay at home. there's nothing to watch on tv. was channel-surfing and even with cable, i can't find anything to sustain my interest. well, ended up watching mtv for a while with the usual bunch of busty skimpily-clad women prancing around justin timberlake and snoop dogg. fantastic morning eye-opener. i'm bored to death with the topic of sex sex and more sex.

ok. sex sells. we get the fucking picture. day in day out we see no end to the fucking skin breasts and what not. enough is enough. i've already seen enough naked breasts in the few number of days i've spent as a member of the california fitness female locker room. bodies are just bodies. it's getting fucking boring (unless of course you're a guy and you are fucking hard-up for a glimpse). i'm sick of sex on the news, in the media, in whatever fucking medium it can get through to us. i'm sick of the whole sociological controversies of teenage sex and pregnancies and how the west is corrupting our youth (fuck it. we're ALREADY corrupted, so don't bother trying to pre-empt corruption), of how there's this whole "virginity/non-virginity" polarisation tt seems to me to be making fucking big mountains out of non-existent mole hills. enough is enough. stop it. i have had it. i don't care for the sex scenes in movies or the skin on skin on skin on tv. this is so passe and i am bored to tears. if the media can only sustain interest through selling more skin (which has been the case for fucking how long), then i say we need a revolution, and someone with something new to sell.

anyway i'll prob be going to the gym later. rather than check my results. have an otot sheet to fulfil anyway. my muscles are aching like hell. have started rolling out of bed in the morning, altho admittedly my legs ache more than my arms. muscular aches kind of put me in a bad mood when they are coupled with my father's incessant nagging and complaints. and he's always going on about the PMS-ey nature of women and their unreasonableness and lack of understanding just coz he's unhappy with my mom. except generalising my gender to ME when i am in a fucking bad mood is not a good idea coz it makes me very defensive, irritable and crabby. and then complaining tt the house is a mess and expecting ME to clean up everything just coz YOU can't bear with it, at a time when i am already in a fucking bad mood, is obviously not going to endear me to you one bit.

fuck. i'm trying to be tolerant here. i'm trying to be happy and upbeat and energetic no matter how tired or aching i feel. i am trying to help and trying to do what i can to keep the house neat and to keep the family together even though i'm fucking dead beat and i would rather just disappear into the recesses of my room and sleep the fatigue and all the frustration off. so help me here for god's sake.

i can't seem to get myself started on james joyce's 'portrait of the artist as a young man'. maybe it's literal elitism, but i'm forcing myself to read only celebrated/award-winning books this holiday. or the economist. it's nothing to do with the whole "future lawyer" thing. i'm kinda worried about the theory about the inverse proportionality between muscles and grey matter. what if the more you train and the bigger your biceps get, the more your brain shrinks as a result?

i'm worried tt i won't be able to carry off a decent non-training conversation. i want to continue to be in the know, about why the netherlands and france reject the eu's constitution, about why the chief correspondent of straits times has been detained in china and seems to be facing the death penalty for disclosing state secrets, about why the fuck public transport fees have been increased once again even though our systems are still inefficient, waiting times are still erratic, we have a redundant tv mobile system that helps no one except to help 'justify' the increased costs in our fares, and even though let's face it and fucking lta is making fucking profits from the public at a time when the economy, while in a state of recovery, is still not tt great, unemployment is at least 4%, the middle-aged and above have the most problems finding jobs, graduates take on contract jobs or sign on just so tt they can get some form of income, and THESE ARE THE PEOPLE who have to use public transport to get around ANYWHERE. oh and erp charges to town are going up too so tt we can "reduce the jams" in the city. well, i say tt the reason is completely justified if we were all born-yesterday idiots. please. it's just an excuse to raise more revenue.

and do you know? i think i should make it my lifelong ambition to be a minister. why not? i get $1.2 million a year. oh. and applications are open to become the next president of singapore! any takers? all you need to do be is 45 years of age and above, and for a period of not less than 3 years has held the office of "Minister, Chief Justice, Speaker, Attorney-General, Chairman of the Public Service Commission, Auditor-General, Accountant-General or Permanent Secretary"; or "chairman or chief executive officer of a statutory board", or "chairman of the board of directors or chief executive officer of a company incorporated or registered under the Companies Act (Cap. 50) with a paid-up capital of at least $100 million or its equivalent in foreign currency", or "any other similar or comparable position of seniority and responsibility in any other organisation or department of equivalent size or complexity in the public or private sector which, in the opinion of the Presidential Elections Committee, has given him such experience and ability in administering and managing financial affairs as to enable him to carry out effectively the functions and duties of the office of President".

according to a 'today' reader, this effectively means tt people like yusof ishak, benjamin sheares and wee kim wee all would not have qualified as our president. it's so reassuring to know tt our government has so much faith in our abilities to select our own president tt our criteria is pretty much the strictest ever in the world.

btw. our sm wants narthan to run for a second term as president. i would assume tt tt is coz 1) the people see him once a year at national day parades, after which he is 2) very quiet and does not seem to utilise his role as second key to safeguard the reserves or ensure the integrity of the cabinet all tt much, coz 3) if he does, i haven't heard of it one bit, at all.

no one came as close as ong teng cheong to getting my wholehearted respect and admiration as president. but this is just my 2 cents worth. the government argues tt singaporeans have the freedom of speech, subject to the laws of defamation. i choose to use tt freedom now on my blog, with resources which i believe have been backed up and have enabled me to draw to conclusions tt i draw. if i've overstepped an ob marker (esp now tt blogs are no longer sacrosanct), then well. at least now SOMETHING will thus be clarified. well well.

but i have once again digressed. it must be the boredom from waiting for the carpenter to fix the damn door and leave. fuck. i've tried reading dragonlance, but after the raistlin books i haven't been able to find tt "summer dawning" book, and as a result i can't continue for now. it's fucking frustrating. been reading ian mcewan and scotts j fitzgerald. but i can't get started on james joyce. it's a book tt's been sitting unopened on my shelf for at least 3 years, coz it's been known as one of the most complicated books and the hardest to understand, reason being coz the author wrote it as he thought, meaning tt he doesn't explain his thoughts, but just merely describes the visual imagery tt goes through his mind, such tt the reader has to put himself or herself into the author's shoes, visualise everything tt he writes, and re-analyse it into words to derive logical meaning. which is a mental chore.

but well. it's celebrated. and literary critics, like art critics, are all a bunch of pretentious snobs who commend the greatest amount of respect to things tt they do not understand. or things tt are contreversial. i understand tt james joyce's ulysses was once considered porn. huxley's 'brave new world' was once banned in singapore by our current mm lee kuan yew for 'encouraging political subversion'. and the bible is one of the most banned books throughout time in the greatest number of countries. i guess tt provides a compelling reason for me to go back to reading the bible. coz it's contreversial.

then again so is the quoran. i've always wanted to read the quoran. always wanted to find out what kind of teachings were in there. apparently for all the chauvinistic misogynistic ways of the conservative male muslim leaders, the quoran does not actively suppress women (btw. i stopped reading the bible when i came across some chapter in sirach tt said in not so many words tt men were better than women. i got so pissed off tt i showed the reading to my parents, who AGREED with it (coz they would agree with the bible coz it's the word of god even if it states the the jews are the supreme race and the gentiles are unclean even tho i think tt is considered racism now), and i couldn't bring myself to stay faithful to something tt i could no longer wholeheartedly agree with.

and no. i don't care if this makes me a bad catholic, but i do not agree with all of canon's laws, nor will i follow all of canon's laws. jesus gave us 2 commandments in his lifetime:

1. love God.
2. love one another as He has loved you.

and those are the 2 tt i will wholeheartedly obey.

whatever else the church says about contraception or homosexuality or whatever ritualistic symbolistic concepts tt people have twisted and followed blindly to a T even tho it seems utterly mindless to me, tt is up to my own interpretation. i have a code of honour. but it's not defined by my race or my religion. it is defined by what i believe.)

oops. digressed again. ah yes. the quoran. but i don't think you can buy tt book off a bookshelf. you can however, buy the kamasutra off a bookshelf. kinokuniya sells one for $33.95. but i thought tt was too expensive to spend on a book of sexual positions considering tt i have no practical use for it yet. i am not sure if the marquis de sade's book is still banned, but you can access it online. i tried. i found it very boring. maybe coz i was looking for the juicy bits tt got it banned, but i never had the patience to read the whole thing chronologically, and therefore
failed.

oh well.

enough ranting. i wanna go buy my mee pok to have for lunch. damn carpenter is STILL not done. grr.