absolutum dominium

hey, sorry for worrying you guys with the last post. to be honest, my mood's not been too good lately. the locals are friendly and i'm finding a lot of bright sparks tt i can talk to, but largely a lot of them find it difficult to accept an asian, or at least someone from some remote place tt's just not here. and it's really tiring to keep on trying to break in and socialise, and it's taking an emotional toll on me. and i guess last night i just had one of those breakdowns tt i feared i would have. and i started behaving like a fucking girl. instead of getting over myself, tried to turn to the boy for some kind of comfort. and by comfort i don't mean practical solutions to my problems, but rather, just comfort. you know, the stuff you say to someone to make her feel better? mothering? coddling? tt kinda stuff?

never thought i'd be one to demand tt, but i did. and of course, i know tt guys don't know what it is tt we want and they probably wouldn't give it to us anyway coz they prob wouldn't see how coddling solves any fucking problem. so yeah. fantastic god-know-how-many millions of miles away from each other and we get upset with each other. but fuck it it's just not a good time to have to tell me to be rational. it's just not a good time to tell me to chuck the self-pity. i'd like to be strong all the fucking time, but once, just once, can you just let me not be? so i'm demanding, so i'm fucking neurotic, so i'm being a fucking original girl who can't seem to stand on her own two feet and fight her own battles, but for once. just once, can't you let me not be strong anymore?

i'm just so tired. and there's no one else to talk to here. no one i'm close to. no one i can let into my life. i'm sick of being cheerful. of saying "i'm good" to everyone who asks me how i am doing. i'm not good. i'm tired. i feel so detached and so alone. i feel like i'm outside every circle, and i'm scared tt i'll stay on the outside for a long long time. i don't want to beg. i don't want to grovel, and i'm never going to swallow my pride or go out of my way to be accepted. i don't force. if tt's the way it has to be, then so be it.

doesn't mean tt it sucks any fucking less.

but yeah, thank you to those who asked if i was fine. maybe it's just the nights. i'm ok in the day when i have classes and activities and things to do. it's at night, when i'm alone, tt i crumble.

anyway today was better for me.

went for eu law and international law classes. they're interesting. my prof wears socks and grandpa sandals to class. it's so cute. i am happy with my classes. they are all very interesting to me, even tho i'm still trying to understand the relevance of why i should be studying eu law. but ooh. my prof mentioned s'pore - twice - during international law! about the pulau branca issue, as well as the land reclamation activity and malaysia's outrage, tt had to be settled at the international court of justice! ooh and i had advanced criminal law yesterday evening! credits-wise and timing-wise it sucks coz it's a measly 2 credit module (with an equal workload as a 3 or 4 credit module!) and it's from 5-7pm on wed nights. but oh man it is so interesting! we're doing the law of conspiracy and search and seizure - including wiretaps!

and then the boy sent me a couple of messages. he'd gotten high on alcohol again today (i think tt's nightime s'pore time) and he'd been trying to call me, forgetting tt i had classes. i called him back once i got back to my room, and he said tt he couldn't sleep coz he hadn't had a single call or message from me, and he couldn't sleep until he did. sometimes i worry tt no matter how much i love him and how attached i am to him (literally and emotionally), he loves me more than i love him. i can't swallow my pride for him, but he can for me.

i bought a brazil crunch cookie. it was expensive. almost 2 canadian bucks for a cookie. but boy was it good. cookie with a whole white chocolate square melted on top, and filled with giant brazil nuts. oh man tt was good.

then i got back to rez, went for a run, and once again abraided my inner thighs. i realise now why runners here wear tights or track pants. the air is so dry tt you will just abraid your thighs with running shorts. my thighs have been mistreated by me! oh, and now i know why people here run faster when they run in a country like s'pore. coz here the air is colder and dryer, such tt if you can tahan running in such conditions, warmer and moister air in singapore feels more comfortable. also, when it's cold... you run faster!

had hapkido class after dinner. decided to keep my background low-profile and blend in into the rest of the newbies. anyway i figured the instructor would be easier on us... and then when he made us hold the horse stance, he would come up to me and say "lower. go lower" (he didn't do tt to the other new people!). and when we were doing knee raises or burpies he would tell me "higher" or "faster" and i was like dying during the warm-up. warm-up? more like burn-out. i gotta learn how to do push-ups on my knuckles again.

oh. and my wrist hurts now. during some wrist lock exercise thingy (yay! i learnt how to do a wrist lock tt is supposed to pop your wrist out of your joint... and yeah. it fucking hurts. you *tap out* when it's done to you), i was partnered with this blue belt/brown tip girl called sorcsha, whom i think is russian. and omg she is so hot. she's got brown hair and chiselled features and blue eyes... and like any movie-star heroine (i.e. angelina jolie), she's described by every other guy in the class as "brutal". oh yeah, she almost yanked my wrist joint out of my forearm when she did the demo on it. after tt i could only perform the exercise with my other wrist.

but she's my role model. i want to be like her. muahaha.

anyway after the class, i went to speak to the instructor about my gi. his name is mike. he was like: "oh. so you signed up?" and i was like "yeah. i'm one of the lucky 4!" (this class only had 4 available spaces for the year)

and he replied: "i'm glad to hear tt. i've been watching you. you show a lot of promise. i know you'll do well in this class."

ok, call me an egomaniac, but tt totally filled my head. i walked out of class trying to surpress an idiotic grin. and oh man, the weather is so cold now and i walked 20 back to totem wearing only my t-shirt and track pants. it was such a trip. :)

yeah. ok. maybe tt's why i feel so much better now.

came back to watch csi with some of the floor girls. i missed the oc, which apparently is a 'nation-wide' craze here. haha.

i'm trying to do a last-min reading for my class tomorrow, but horror of horrors, the document is no longer available! oh no! but nevertheless, i think the s'poreans are still meeting to ice-skate tomorrow after class. so i have tt to look forward to.

am thinking of running the campus tomorrow after tt too. let's see how.