Saturday, April 15, 2006
6.23am
6.23am. i woke up sometime ago coz my tummy was uncomfortable, again, and i couldn't get back to sleep. so i finally decided to get up and creep over to my laptop to pass some time before attempting to sleep a little bit more.
6.23am. the sky's already brightened outside. it was raining again in the night. through the spaces where the curtains meet i can see the wet road through the window. puddles have gathered. the grass looks greener; fresher somehow, if tt were possible. i can almost smell morning dew in the cold air tt wafts in from the outside. i've put on the jacket but it does not protect my bare legs from tt chill.
6.23am. i'm dog dead tired, still. long days of attempts to study and long nights of conversation make me realise tt i still lack quite some hours of sleep. yet in spite of my yawns i cannot feel comfortable enough to risk going back to bed yet. i guess i can subsist on little sleep, but i would feel worse than i do now if i were responsible for your numerous afternoon cat naps when you ought to be reading your cases.
6.23am. and my mind has been subjected to bouts of thinking and unthinking, of great confusion and speculation, to the unconscious feeling of... feeling. not tt it hasn't been uneventful or plain-sailing; and where it was complicated i realise tt it was largely, if not entirely my fault. i appreciate the lack of judgement or moral condemnation; no hellfire or brimstone, no anger or betrayal. you can't betray with the past. but yet the fear cuts through me; your fear and my guilt for raising it. promises are all i can give but i know and understand tt they may never be enough. once bitten twice shy. tt's the way it is for me and tt's the way it is for you.
6.23am. i still feel incredibly happy; stomach trouble aside. i don't think i can go back to sleep for some time yet. not if my stomach refuses to settle down and shut up. but it doesn't matter all tt much to me i guess. my restlessnes is calmed; i feel safe somehow, still. we talked about my parents, among many other things, and laughter is a welcome respite from - and a lighter side of the balance to - tears. a large part of me still stands in awe of the situation; caught offguard and still unrecovered from the shock. i look at you and i still wonder how i got here. and though it's not good blogging procedure for me i realise tt if i don't say anything i don't have anything to blog about at all, because a day blogged without the emotional overtones is no different from a post about me waking up to brush my teeth.
6.23am. i'm wondering where and what we'll be studying today. i hope tt you'll be able to do more this time; hopefully you won't fall asleep too much. i feel guilty coz i think i'm the cause for why you don't seem to sleep well at night. but yet i know you will never blame me. it surprises me how you manage to overlook all the flaws outside and in. everything tt is jarring about me to me, you breeze over like they were all meant to be.i don't think i've smiled or laughed so much in a while, and i smile or laugh more easily now than i used to.
6.23am. i recall one night when we were all walking, and you said tt if there were a pill to imitate the euphoria of love ala 'brave new world', tt could release the requisite amount of seratonin and dopamine in your brain such tt you could evoke those emotions without having to resort to love itself, you would take tt pill over the real deal any day. so i asked you about it and whether you'd changed your mind. your defence was tt tt pill just didn't exist.
6.23am. you told me tt i was someone who didn't dare to take a risk on anyone. and i told you why tt was so. yet you, who should somewhat be like me, who at some point feared what i feared as much as me, decided to take tt risk on me. and from your perspective as well as mine, and probably from the perspective of the reasonable man, tt was one hell of a probably unwarranted risk to take.
but you took it.
6.54am. i guess it's time to go back to...
now playing: hotel costes - cafe de flor
6.23am. the sky's already brightened outside. it was raining again in the night. through the spaces where the curtains meet i can see the wet road through the window. puddles have gathered. the grass looks greener; fresher somehow, if tt were possible. i can almost smell morning dew in the cold air tt wafts in from the outside. i've put on the jacket but it does not protect my bare legs from tt chill.
6.23am. i'm dog dead tired, still. long days of attempts to study and long nights of conversation make me realise tt i still lack quite some hours of sleep. yet in spite of my yawns i cannot feel comfortable enough to risk going back to bed yet. i guess i can subsist on little sleep, but i would feel worse than i do now if i were responsible for your numerous afternoon cat naps when you ought to be reading your cases.
6.23am. and my mind has been subjected to bouts of thinking and unthinking, of great confusion and speculation, to the unconscious feeling of... feeling. not tt it hasn't been uneventful or plain-sailing; and where it was complicated i realise tt it was largely, if not entirely my fault. i appreciate the lack of judgement or moral condemnation; no hellfire or brimstone, no anger or betrayal. you can't betray with the past. but yet the fear cuts through me; your fear and my guilt for raising it. promises are all i can give but i know and understand tt they may never be enough. once bitten twice shy. tt's the way it is for me and tt's the way it is for you.
6.23am. i still feel incredibly happy; stomach trouble aside. i don't think i can go back to sleep for some time yet. not if my stomach refuses to settle down and shut up. but it doesn't matter all tt much to me i guess. my restlessnes is calmed; i feel safe somehow, still. we talked about my parents, among many other things, and laughter is a welcome respite from - and a lighter side of the balance to - tears. a large part of me still stands in awe of the situation; caught offguard and still unrecovered from the shock. i look at you and i still wonder how i got here. and though it's not good blogging procedure for me i realise tt if i don't say anything i don't have anything to blog about at all, because a day blogged without the emotional overtones is no different from a post about me waking up to brush my teeth.
6.23am. i'm wondering where and what we'll be studying today. i hope tt you'll be able to do more this time; hopefully you won't fall asleep too much. i feel guilty coz i think i'm the cause for why you don't seem to sleep well at night. but yet i know you will never blame me. it surprises me how you manage to overlook all the flaws outside and in. everything tt is jarring about me to me, you breeze over like they were all meant to be.i don't think i've smiled or laughed so much in a while, and i smile or laugh more easily now than i used to.
6.23am. i recall one night when we were all walking, and you said tt if there were a pill to imitate the euphoria of love ala 'brave new world', tt could release the requisite amount of seratonin and dopamine in your brain such tt you could evoke those emotions without having to resort to love itself, you would take tt pill over the real deal any day. so i asked you about it and whether you'd changed your mind. your defence was tt tt pill just didn't exist.
6.23am. you told me tt i was someone who didn't dare to take a risk on anyone. and i told you why tt was so. yet you, who should somewhat be like me, who at some point feared what i feared as much as me, decided to take tt risk on me. and from your perspective as well as mine, and probably from the perspective of the reasonable man, tt was one hell of a probably unwarranted risk to take.
but you took it.
6.54am. i guess it's time to go back to...
# posted by Kitana @ 4/15/2006 09:25:00 PM 
