absolutum dominium

i haven't done an introspective post for some time, but i figured now would be as good a time as any to start. coming back to singapore has been a bit of an emotional ride, what with the highs and the lows tt come my way. after 8 months of freedom to be what i want to be and to do what i want to do, having tt freedom curtailed has become much of a bitter pill to swallow.

for all the talk about the weather and the food, they are merely peripherals. yes, they do contribute greatly to reminding me of how much i miss this city or have developed my own love-hate relationship with it, but i guess at the end of the day, humans being somewhat social animals - or so we have been told to believe -, people is what makes the most impact on us.

i've barely met up with all the people tt i've wanted to meet up with, and there are still many tt i really do miss and want to see again. yet, meeting jane, wanyi and sam again was probably a highlight of this week. mambo was fun, no doubt about it, but it was all because of the company. all of us finally together again, and somehow coming back and realising tt nothing has changed, tt the familiar is still the familiar, tt your best girl friends are still your best girls friends and you can do all sorts of things together, crazy or not, makes me feel heartwarmed and reassured.

but yet, there are friends tt... you know the inevitable has happened. tt you have drifted. and you might have tried to delude yourself to tt by telling urself tt as long as characters and personalities haven't changed, nothing about ur friendship will change... you know tt you're just lying to yourself. maybe their characters haven't changed; maybe it's yours. or maybe because the friendship was mainly circumstancial to begin with, therefore when circumtances change and you all don't make efforts to maintain the similarities, when they are no longer there to get a foothold on... you know tt no matter how you try it may no longer be there anymore. and tt is sad.

and yet, circumstances might apply to so many things.

my time in vancouver feels like a dream now. like i went to sleep and woke up and essentially, nothing's changed. have i changed, myself? or was i a different person in tt other place? sometimes i wonder. there was so much freedom there. so much allowance for you to be what you wanted to be and to do what you wanted to do. i was free.

i could live and love and embrace life over and over. and although i do tt here too, already i feel the societal restrictions clamping down in the voices of parents and obligations and futures to determine. the fear tt was once foreign to me back there has returned, and i feel sad. was i a different person there? why was i able to fly free and love freely there, but yet fear, here?

is it the matter of a warmer weather and taller buildings? or is it something inherent and innate tt has thus been changed by the differences?

why am i no longer able to be carefree and unburdened? why do i always feel pressured, be it by myself or by external forces? why do i feel this fear, fear of failure, fear of hurt, fear of rejection; tt was never this strong before? is it the weather, or do i need to reevaluate my circumstances better?