absolutum dominium

"SO THIS IS THE NEW YEAR, BUT I DON'T FEEL ANY DIFFERENT"

First line off the song 'New Year' by Death Cab for Cutie, one of the many songs I have to thank Shaocong for. Think I was going to try and get the rest of the album since this Death Cab for Cutie band uses its album(s) to tell a story. 'New Year' is the first song and the beginning chapter of the story of the album. But unfortunately I haven't had time or opportunity to do so as of yet.

But essentially the line encapsulates how I feel at this point in time. Just a brief recap: last week saw me shuttling in between my police LMS orientation programme and LFOC prep dry-run. And I just feel so fucking drained. On Thurs I was supposed to be in school from 8am to 12am. But I overslept till 12pm unfortunately. The good (or bad) thing is tt no one called me or demanded to know my reasons for arriving at Law lib close to 2pm. Everyone just assumed tt I was responsible or tt I had some pressing reason to be late. Anyway I managed to get my much-deprived of sleep, which was probably the best part of the day. All we did on Thurs was prop-building. I wish we'd actually *finished* the props during actual prop-building days instead of using dry-run days to finish the props, but I guess it's not like I can do anything about anything right?

So we cut out shapes, painted, did MORE painting (actually the painting bits were fun) etc. I'm not really looking forward to LFOC to be honest coz I'm generally not close to the Law people. Or at least, not the ones who are into LFOC. I know most of them by name or face and we can interact, but I'm not close to them. Not even the ones I used to be close to. Thank God for people like Eunice and Terri and Marina, who I know from Sc and Hwa Chong Humanz respectively, coz I can talk and laugh and joke with them still. I guess they kept me from going nuts.

In the evening we did a dry-run for JT, which apparently went well. I hope I can recreate this next week with the freshies tho. But then at the end of it while carrying a table from outside Law lib to outside LT 15 guess what? I walked into a drain. I don't know how I fuckign get myself into these kinds of situations. I totally miss seeing this thigh-high drain and I STEP right into it. Of course, I get out quickly and tell everyone I'm ok, but I think I may have slightly sprained my ankle or did something to it coz it's been burting ever since. FUCK.

I don't know why I'm in such a bad mood this week. Is it PMS or am I just so disgruntled with everything? I'm not excited about LFOC. Am I the only perosn who isn't? It seems like it's all everyone else can talk about and look forward to. Apparently morale is high. But I'm like - I'm not looking forard to it. I'm not looking forward to 5 days stuck in RH. I'm not looking forward to interactng with people I'm not close to and being happy and cheerful and sociable coz I've never been happy or cheerful and sociable and I'm fucking sick of acting. I'm not looking forward to having to plaster a plastic smile to my face all week even when I'm dead tired and frustrated and unhappy. I'm not looking forward to people.

To be honest, I miss my teammates. I don't know if there is a relation. I'm bitter that I couldn't join the outings all of this week, esp the one to Genting. I'm bitter that I can't participate in the AGM or the Victory Lunch next week. I'm bitter coz I want to organise outings to Wild Wild Wet and wind-surfing and the beach and places like Harry's and fun mahjong sessions at my house, but I can't. I'm bitter coz I miss the crappiness, the laughter, the feeling of acceptance and belonging, tt I just don't feel with my faculty people.

Anyway the whole prep thingy ended at 11+pm. Hitched a ride with Nick - Terri's 'special friend' :P, but I think tt was a mistake coz I felt like a lampost. That's it man, next time I'll take up Linus' offer or something and get a bus home. Got home around 12.20am. So fucking tired.

On Fri I almost overslept, which would have been a bad thing coz it was time for the police LMS orientation thing and I needed to be at Paya Lebar MRT at 9.30am. Fortunately I was on time, and we headed down to the Traffic Police Headquarters.

One good thing about the programme is you get to ride in this blue police van tt's normally used to ferry prisoners around, so it's quite amusing having people stare at you on the roads. Wanted to take a photo of my face plastered to the inside of the van, but keep forgetting to bring my camera.

Anyway would like to have said tt the Traffic Police is an interesting place but to be honest maybe it's because TP kind of lacks the thrill factor for me, or maybe because the corporate presentation was another one of those waaay-too-long 'Our Mission Our Values' type things, so I was bored out of my mind (and it was hard work trying to look awake and interested even when my brain was still on stand-by mode). But fortunately the presentation was balanced with a chat session with an ex-LMS scholar posted there, and I got to ask stupid questions like what would happened if a police vehicle got caught running a red light (better yet if it was a TP vehicle).

We also got taken to the Charge Room (the multi-purpose room where they charge people/take reports/get appeals etc)where the word 'Charge' was used like it was free-of-Charge and we were taken around by the officer-in-Charge to see how TP Charged people for various offences. We even got to try out the Breathalyser, but (un)fortunately no one had drunk anything so Lenglee who tried it out (after Johnny and I politely refused) had a 000 registered. Apparently the legal limit for alcohol on your breath is 35ml per 1000ml of breath, but the most alcohol ever registered was 235ml per 1000ml. And you wonder if tt guy would have DIED after taking so much.

Hmm... interesting cases. There was this guy who went to party and ingested a lot of alcohol. He took a cab home and slept at 4am. But when he woke up and drove to office around 8am the next morning, he was stopped by a police officer and the alcohol in his blood exceeded the legal limit, so he suay suay got charged for drink-driving anyway. If you drink-drive and cause an accident, you'll be charged. If someone knocks into your car and you've drunk and driven, you will STILL be charged for drink-driving anyway. And it doesn't matter if it's 1 can of beer or 10, drink-driving IS drink-driving.

After the visit to TP, we had a hurried lunch at the canteen at Police HQ (Johnny actually brought a WIRE-CUTTER in his bag and somehow he STILL managed to get thru the metal detector even tho the X-Ray screen registered this '"scissors-like object" as described by my scholarship officer/police van driver Mark) before our Tea Session with the Director of the Manpower Department whose an LMS scholar and now a Supt. Before tt the Asisstant Director DSP Koh came down and had an informal chat session with us.

You'll remem,ber him better as the 'Crimewatch' guy. He used to do the Mandarin Crimewatch. As such one of the questions he got from Lenglee was 'What is your experience doing Crimewatch?" And the best part abt it is tt he's English-ed. He had to write down the hanyu pinyin of each character on the script and the teleprompter before he could read off it. :P So I asked him why he had to do Crimewatch in Chinese, and he said it was because when he did the audition (for the English one) it boiled down to him and this other guy, and his Chinese was apparently better than the other guy who couldn't even READ the script, so the other guy got the English one while he got the Chinese one. Haha. :P

Anyway he's damn extroverted, damn friendly and damn fun. Who would have thought he was a Science student? (Thought he was an Arts/Law student). Told us about his experiences in NUS and hall (he stayed in SHeares Hall for 4 years and was DAMN ONZ for 2 years; chairman of SHOC, 3 other comms, was in 4 sports... etc etc etc. Hear until jaw just dropped), how he found out his wife was The One, what some of his days are like, etc. :P And apparently he is studying for his MBA at NUS now and he said he saw me before at NUS! But he says he studies around the Sheares/KR area, which is weird coz I thought it would be more likely tt he see Lenglee and not me. Oh well.

Anyway the Director pops in for a while but the atmosphere is more formal. He's continually looking for ways to improve the SPF as an organisation, hence he wants feedback and suggestions. But his brain works at the speed of light. Amazing, we're sitting there in reverrant silence as he talks out solutions/ways to improve the orientation programme/how the scholarship agenda can be improved etc off the top of his head.

Anyway after the whole tea session we close shop and separate. I feel so so so fucking tired. I really do. When I go home I just tell my dad tt all I need is a rest. That's all I really need. And then he drops a bombshell on me. He and mom want to go Malacca today. And they want me to go along with them for 'family-bonding'.

I just say: "Do I look like I have the energy to go to Malacca with you?"

So I slack the rest of the night, sprawled on the sofa watching 'So Close' on AXN. And then I sleep from 12am to 1pm today. Been slacking the entire afternoon. Took some scientific personality test on the net tt tells me I am an INFJ (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging) type. In fact, I am *extremely* introverted, and slightly everything else. According to D. Kiersey I am a "counsellor" type - complicated and deep but in a way tt helps me understand the complex issues faced by dioffernet people. The downside is tt I make it really difficult for people to get to know me. In fact, "Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact".

Ugh. the report is scaring me. It is TOO damn accurate. Anyway it can be viewed at http://keirsey.com/personality/nfij.html. Another report is at http://typelogic.com/infj.html.

...Then there was my 10km run in the evening which once again exploited my general state of unfit and resulted in me walking 5 of the 10km, and the the half I was running was STILL at the speed of snail. What the fuck?

SO I'm LATE for dinner at Holland V even though I took a CAB. We go to The Patio for Mexican food (my first in 12 years) and beer, Coffee Bean for Chicago cheesecake and White Chocolate Dream ice-blended, and 7-11 for a whole tub of Haagen-Daz Mango ice-cream, which I get to take the whole tub home too!

It's so good to see you again. It's been too long and the situation has been such. Can't believe how much I've missed seeing you, although you know I'm no good with admitting stuff like tt. But it really is good to see you again. I enjoyed the company immensely, and the easy conversation, the generosity, the sensitivity, the humour.

Yet it's sad tt for all new beginnings, sometimes while in theory everything is ok, in reality it isn't the case. There are still things tt we don't feel comfortable talking about, tt we want to hold back for fear of saying the wrong thing, tt we hold back just because we fear making the same mistakes and hurting each other again. But the distance saddens me. Even knowing full well why tt is and knowing full well what I can do to change things and yet not do anything to, the distance saddens me. I don't know if it's a question of time and warming up, or whether things can ever be what they were anymore. To be honest, I'm not even clear myself. I have the general idea, but I don't have specific boundaries drawn. There are so many things I want to ask and know, yet I fear asking them, fear offending, fear my reaction knowing.

This is the New Year. The New Beginning. Yet I don't feel any different.

Currently Playing New Year By Death Cab for Cutie see related

THE JUNE RACE - SUPER-EXTENSIVE PHOTOLOG

This is a photo-log of the June race, filled with all the photos that I've uploaded onto my online photo album. Why a photo log you ask? Why make such a horrible long entry tt will probably take years to upload on a date that is 4-5 days old (i.e. back-dated) for people who aren't the least bit interested in to read about?

The answer: Because I'm damn buay3 hiao1 bai4 (BHB). And because I can. Muahaha.

So moving on to the nice long photolog. (With both ego-boosting and SUPER UNGLAM photos).

**********************************************************

JUNE RACE - DAY 1

Instructions for 19 June were to meet at City Hall MRT at 9.30am with all our barang-barang (e.g. in addition to personal stuff, we have to bring things like nutrition for the race like bread and bananas. Races is probably the only time you get to see crazy people just eat plain bread and look insanely happy doing it)..

Yepz, tt's me on the far left next to Melissa. Anyway we met so early even though our race is at 2.20pm, so that we could have a Teammie breakfast at McDonalds!

Speaking of which, let's insert an advertising campaign for NUS Dragonboat Ladies here:

"Join NUS Dragonboat Ladies, and you'll be every bit as happy about it as these fine ladies below!"

The above 2 are Grace and Geok Wei. Geox calls this the 'Delinquents' photos because she says in it, you guessed it! They look like teenage delinquents. Actually theyr're just very sian-looking coz it's early in the morning. Not yet awake. I hope.

I told Geox tt she should post this as advertising on our dragonboat page, but she was like "NO!!! Are you crazy or what?" So ok, I won't post it there. Just here. Along with...

Now this is me, Edwina and Wendy (in a very unflattering pic of myself taken on Day 2 actually). This I call real siandom... Don't think I was very awake when the photo was taken either. Muahaha.

But seriously, no, you DON'T look like delinquents if you join NUS Dragonboat Ladies! You actually DO look very happy. Unless it's early in the morning (e.g. 7.15am) and you're walking around with a brain tt's on shut-down mode.

So anyway after a hearty breakfast at Mac's - which consisted of between 1 and 2 set meals (depending on who you were) and Meiping's 21st birthday birthday cake, we headed down to Marina Promenade past all the Dragonboat Festival 2004 stalls (at this point in time we were still banned from eating most of the food), to under the Benjamin Sheares Bridge, and decided to colonise this nice shady grass patch.

Yes, here we are with said same barang-barang on a location change.Okay, another nicely unflattering picture. Grace looks as sianz as just now's 'delinquents' advertisement, and I look SUPER distracted. And the best thing is I don't even know what I was distracted with. Yeesh. What the camera can capture.

While we are at what the camera can capture, I thought I would just include this below picture of 5 of us in a row, observing the dragonboats and guessing which one we'll be racing in. I'm the one on the left if you haven't yet guessed.

You can see some orrrbit Chinese words on our back rights? Okay, before I move on I just wanted to say tt these orrbit Chinese words, as well as the entire Asics get-up, is a decision tt has NOTHING to do with our team at all. The GUYS (being as vain as they are) decided they wanted to blow money (and I mean blow money coz we have to pay for these singlets OURSELVES; NUS is way too stingy to sponsor anything) on Asics singlets coz they had sexy backs (not ours, the guys'). And yes, they decided on what design they wanted to print on the singlets as well.

They decided to print guo2 da4 long2 zhou1 - NUS Dragonboat - on both our Day 1 and Day 2 singlets. ARGH!!! So orrrbit. Those of us with long hair kept trying to use our hair to cover up the offending words.

This just goes to show that some people just have poor taste. Bah.

After bit of nua-ing it was warm-up time. And focusssing time...

Group focusss!

Individual focuss!
Wah. I look so pro. Okay, either tt or I look like I'm praying or trying to zap demons in my mind. Ugh, from this angle my uneven hair colour rrrreeeeeaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyy shows. Bah Good thing it's all even now - evenly BLACK.

And then ooh. Prezzie giving out time!!! I supply the whole team with peanut-filled M & Ms, Serene and Boon Chin give us cute tiny personalised paddles with our names on them, Wendy gives us each a card with a personalised quote about winning, and Yunshan gives us a photoframe with what NUS Dragon Boat should stand for... Highly highly fun! I LURRRRVE THE PREZZIES!!!

...Waitaminute. I meant WE ALL LOVE OUR PREZZIES!!!!!! *muakz* Thank you everyone!

Let's insert a question here: Do you know who Lim Kah Ping is? More importantly, do *I* know who Lim Kah Ping is?
Answer: Up till Saturday I had no clue who Lim Kah Ping was. And apparently he is the TEAM MANAGER of NUS Dragonboat. Just an entirely non-existent team manager. I've never seen him in my past year of dragonboating. And on Saturday when I finally saw him for the first time, he was only meeting us to hand out teamNUS caps tt MATCHED our IVP jackets.

SUPER orrrbit caps.

So being me, I decided to WEAR MY CAP just for the hell of it. Coz it was just TOO orrrbit to resist.

Okay, let's insert another bit of info here. Looking back at the photos I realised just how close me and Melissa were.

That's her giving me an hug of encouragement (or rather half a hug) before my race on Day 1. And below shows the 2 of us sharing a laugh on Day 2.

Okay. Back to the race. Before we know it a lot of time has passed... and it is TIME TO GO DOWN!!!

For some reason, I seem to be the only UN-focusssed one. Dammit I'm turning into a camera whore! Argh!!!!

So we go down...

Row out...

...And Race.

You see tt boat in lane 1? The one in front of the 2 other boats? That's us! Yes, I am DAMN BUAY3 HIAO2 BAI4 I KNOW. But hey... the results speak for themselves! :P

JUNE RACE - DAY 2

Once again we meet at Mac's (although I meet them after I go to church) and head down Marina Promenade together. Where because ALL OF US have perpetually achy necks, backs and shoulders due to training (my neck my back), we decided to fool around with retarded group massaging.

As you can see, massaging makes you look HIGHLY RETARDED. At least in my case.

Speaking of retarded, below is the PURRFECT picture you can use if you want to BLACKMAIL me.

Yes, let's talk about retarded.
Actually I think I was saluting Peiwen. Or at least greeting her with a salute. I had NO IDEA it would have been captured on camera. But oh well. Heh. :P

We nua some more before our race, take one or two more Teammie Happy Pics©!!!

...And then go pray to Qu Yuan to bao2 you4 wo3 men2 and offer him kee zhang.

Unfortunately, we didn't take any (or at least not tt I know of) photos of our races today. So I can't show you much more. But just a point:

I think I look sexy from the back.

What do you think? What do you think?

I think I look a lot better from the back than the front. Maybe when I take future photos I should stand with my back to the camera. Then I can look HOT. Muahaha.

But anyway even though we didn't take any pictures of our race, we did take a picture of the score tt mattered to us.

YES. And for that score we won the IVP Women's Trophy.

Which I bit.

The guys won the PM Cup below, which as you can see looks more like a dragon than our Prime Minister. Or a cup for tt matter.

See? This is why we look SO happy.

And distracted.

Or at least me. I tell you MY EYES wander too much. I wonder where they've been wandering to? Hmm? Hmm?

It doesn't really matter anyway coz at the end of the day WE'RE STILL NUMBER 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And for that we have to thank our captain Serene.

Oh. We thanked her all right. Before going for our Victory Dinner.

See all that food???

Had a HUGE amount of fun. Hope you did too! :P

CAN WOMEN EVER GET INTO THE SINGAPORE POLICE FORCE STAR TEAM?

Before I answer tt question, I'd like to say tt when I have more free time I will:

1. Post up an entry of how the Linkin Park Concert went.
(Actually made a sound recording of 'Somewhere I Belong' on my handphone. Unfortunately playback only registered the mindless screaming, cheering, clapping, horrible shouting-type singing and rapping to the lyrics of the song, more mindless screaming, and absolutely no sign of Chester Bennington or Mike Shinoda's voices on the track at all.)

2. Post up a photo-log of my race.
(Yep, I downloaded over 200 photos of both days, and just because I can, I'll put some of them up to entertain you. Besides the usual ego-stroking pics (e.g. the ones where I actually look good), there will be other pics such as those of my teammates, the race(s) and even the candid shots (YES!) where I look ridiculously funny... so stay tuned for entertainment.)

But for now I'll answer the above question with this entry.

Today as Day 3 of my Police LMS Orientation Programme (I skipped Day 2 for LFOC Dry-Run, which in all honesty seemed like quite a fuck-up to me), we visited Special Operations Command (SOC) which houses the Police Tactical Unit (aka Riot Squad aka ang3 qia1), K-9 Unit, Crisis Negotiation Unit, and the Special Tactics And Rescue (STAR) Unit, which is Singapore's equivilant of the US' SWAT team, in the morning.

The STAR Team is the Force's elite team, equivilant to the SAF's SOF/Commandos Units. Generally it's a pretty covert unit (obviously can't say much), but there are 2 points I want to say.

1. The STAR team can afford to change their corporate video. The current one is VERY cheesy. It starts off with the dramatic scene of a hostage crisis where the kidnapper is sniped by a STAR sniper, and then the whole team is introduced.

Scene #1: Lean boys running over a ground/climbing over a wall
Voice-over: "We take the best..."
Scene #2: Hugely-muscular arm lifting a dumbell.
Voice-over: "...We make them Better."

Other examples:

Voice-over: "Where the only easy day... is Yesterday."

Voice-over: "We train hard. We fight easy."

...Okay okay I get the point already!!! The music is quite cheesy too. I was laughing during the "We take the best we make them better" scene coz it was just too much. Had to hide the laughter coz it would seem reallly rude otherwise.

2. The ASP said tt every year he would ALWAYS get this question: "Why aren't girls allowed to join the STAR team?" Well, I didn't ask it this time; my scholarship officer asked it instead, much to his dismay.

His answer: "No girl has ever applied to STAR team."

BUT if he were ever to receive such an application, he would consider accepting a female member into the team.

However, the chances of her ever getting in would be very low because the same criteria as applied to the guys would be applied to her. No concessions will be made just because you're female.

So that means passing the usual psychological/medical tests, passing the IPPT where the PASSING 2.4km timing is 9.45 min (it's PASSING timing, not gold timing), having a high enough tolerance of pain as to endure the 12-day selection course (which he says was so horrible for him tt he never wants to go through it again... mentioned something about having all the flesh peeled off his feet by Day 2 and having a doctor tell him tt his enzymes were breaking down at an alarming rate etc), being able to take the stressful high-paced lifestyle of a STAR member (which even some guys cannot take), etc. And then there are the logistical nightmares of having to wear teh same-sized uniforms and protection as the guys, and having the strength to carry the same weapons and equipment etc...

It's damn tough. But it's NOT impossible.

Hmm.

Anyway OOH. The k-9 Unit has such ADORABLE dogs!!! And they can go from docile to aggressive in a splite-second too.

In the afternoon we visited the Commercial Affairs Department at the Police Cantonment Complex aka Alpha Division in South Bridge Road. It's so amazing. The security is so tight I cannot imagine how ANYONE will want to go into the building to lodge a report. And the security people weren't very nice to us... until my scholarship officer spoke to them and then we were treated like royalty. I swear this is just too weird.

Anyway the Commercial Affairs Department is the arm tt deals with white-collar crime. CBT, fraud, counterfeiting, money-laundering - yes! that means terrorist-financing too, are all under this department. It was weird coz the people had only arranged for a talk with us but not a tour (darn... I like to experience those nifty 2-way mirrors), so we were asking a lot of questions. Okay, I was asking a lot of questions because I see this department as an avenue for me once I finish my 6 year Investigative/Staff/Command posting in the force, but progressively I began to run out of questions to ask. And then the rest of us started asking really stupid questions. It was damn obvious we were just trying to fill time more than ask questions for the sake of. That was hilarious. And I actually asked abt the recent cases of the lawyers and the CBT cases, and the occurances of fly-by-night cases etc...

Was the day fun? I guess it was. Had a heavy lunch at Adam Road. Enjoyed the company of the other scholars. Had a nice buffet dinner at the Jap restaurant at Riverview Hotel with the parents after tt.

The problem is that I am SO FUCKING TIRED. I'm not just talking abt today. I'm talking abt the whole week. I've had no rest time since the race, and since the Linkin Park concert I've had less than 6 hours of sleep and I'm so not recovered. I feel so tired. Tomorrow is Round 2 of the Law-Camp dry-run and I'm not looking forward to more inefficient waiting time. Esp as my police scholars are visiting the CID and COAST GUARD tomorrow I wanna go too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck this.

LINKIN PARK RAWKS!!! !!!

That is why in addition to my loss of voice, I am also experiencing a temporary loss of hearing.

IT'S THAT BITTERSWEET FEELING

Of waking up one day later and the first thought in your mind being training. And then realising tt there will be no more training. No more race to train for. Because the race is over, having come and gone, and you have already reaped the harvest.

I was complaining about how I'm totally squeezing my holidays dry, because I've planned things such tt once my race is over it would be time to go intensive for Law Freshmen Orientation Camp (from now on dubbed LFOC. ooh how cool). But on one hand while it wasn't such a fantastic idea because firstly, I *may* just be stretching myself too thin by not giving myself rest time. I'm not giving myself the time I need to absorb the entirety of the win, to fully savour the feeling of victory. Which I wish I could to make it all tt much sweeter. It's been 6 months of ardous training. Can't I even let the ecstacy carry for more than 1 day?

...Secondly, this is NO GOOD for my friends/family time because my schedule is so tight tt my parents are complaining I barely live at home, tt I treat this house more like a hotel (the same old lecture AGAIN) and I just come back to sleep at night and I'll be off in the morning and my parents will never see me coz I'm like this phantom who's out from morning to night and me being the only child, I *know* they miss me terribly and I wish I could have celebrated Father's Day with my dad and all... But I can't fit so many things in. And now all my friends from the UK have returned/are returning, and they are asking me when I'll be free to meet up, and I dare not reply just yet because the way I see it the earliest date I can give them is 3rd July, which is 2 weeks away at least. And the dragonboat girls are making all these arrangements for team celebratory outings ('Home On The Range' tonight tt I couldn't make; Malaysia from Wed to Fri tt I ALSO cannot make; and the OFFICIAL Victory Dinner/Swensen's treat tt I probably ALSO cannot make because I will be in Raffles Hall at tt point in time having my LFOC) and I want to go so much but I know I can't. I don't have the time to. I realise I can't even club till after 2nd July because I need as much rest as I can get at night. ARGH!!!

Yet on the other hand, being so busy does have certain benefits. Like for one, I don't have to go through tt Cold Turkey of aimlessness and purposeless tt comes after such a big thing as this coz I just won't have the time to. I'll be too busy with all these distractions. I guess my original purpose is being fulfilled, isn't it? I'm killing my time. I'm keeping busy. I'm keeping myself going, purposeful, etc. But I'm scared about tt feeling of emptiness. I still am.

Anyway LFOC is next week. Councillors including OGLs got to be in on 26 June (this Sat) at Raffles Hall. Hopefully I get a single room. I hate sharing my personal space. Cramps my style. The freshies arrive on 28 (Mon). And camp's only over on 2nd July. I foresee intense heavy-duty activity. After all, as an OGL I've been slacking all through orientation preparations, concentrating only on training and race. Coz the real work only comes during the camp, where I'll have to lead the freshies around, be their mother, be enthusiastic and cheerful and full of boundless energy even when we have to wake up at 7am and sleep at 3am every day for the next few days. Am feeling skeptical about tt I guess. Don't really want to move on. I miss the girls already. It's only been 1 day and I miss the laughter, the group bonding sessions, everything.

But anyway inbetween race and LFOC, the reason why I don't have free time, is also because my scholarship orientation programme is on this week. It's the same reason why I had to dye my hair from blonde to black late yesterday night. And it FUCKING SUCKS because I've never dyed my hair black since tt time in JC2 when the principal caught me for blonde highlights after morning assembly. Since then it's been brown, light brown, and blonde. Right now it's TOO BLACK. It's so stark I feel like a witch. Even my MOM says it's too black. It's like night. And trust me, THIS black hair on brown skin isn't a pretty combi. Sure, it may look ok on NS guys (they have no choice muahaha!!!) and sporty guys (like my eye-candy, whom I currently believe may be a contender for 'nicest guy in NUS'), but not on me!!! Brown skin looks good with maybe light brown hair, and better yet, yes, blonde hair, but NOT BLACK HAIR. Yuckz. The only one who likes my hair colour is my dad, but he's been on my case to dye it black since for ever. And the best part is BLACK ISN'T EVEN MY NATURAL HAIR COLOUR!!! Bah.

Anyway yes, am glad I dyed it black ONLY because my scholarship officer would scold me terribly. Because I took the police scholarship. It's cool and all (I won't bore you with all the reasons to why I want to forsake my law degree and a fancy black and white outfit and future chances of driving a Porsche 911 around for a blue uniform with shiny silver buttons, orbit cap (only the guys have cool caps. Females get this Girl Guides type beret) and a lifestyle of capped pay, uneven hours and constant stress), but it's like all other uniformed organisations. Fraught with rules and regulations. No tattoos (shh), no OTHER bodily piercings, 1 earhole in each ear, and black hair. Oh well. I want the career, I want the future, I have to make the sacrifice, don't I?

Anyway this morning went down to Police HQ at New Phoenix Park (yes. Police HQ is behind Novena Square, and is not in Chinatown. The building in Chinatown is the 'Alpha' Division). The security there is even tighter this year than last year. I SWEAR the Home Team HQ probably has tighter security than a lot of other key installations in Singapore. There was the usual guardhouse and the exchange of ICs for passes, the very stern + firm + intimidating officers at the gates (yes I was intimidated. They were giving me this 'who are you what are you doing here you lowly civilian?!' kind of look *shudder* ...Hah! Just you wait till I get my crab. Muahaha), and now, metal detectors! Whoohoo. Fortunately I'm not metallic.

So I walk into the Home Team Scholarship Centre and get reunited with all the others - others being Leng Lee, Qicong, Johnny and Feng Qian who's really an OMS (open) scholar who's back from her 1st year at LSE (hey, she's MY year in Hwa Chong... No wonder she looked so familiar... In Qinghui and Jenming's class too) and DOESN'T want to go into MinLaw (why Why WHY?!) which she will prob be going to if she doesn't indicate a non-preference coz she's taking Law too and MinLaw has a shortage of new scholars. Debiao and Kailin aren't around this time coz they're not Police scholars, so they get to SLACK AT HOME!!! WAAAH!!! and Ivan has THOC. Bah.

I get scolded by Mark, one of my scholarship officers aka our 'papa', coz I'm wearing jeans and apparently 'smart-casual' means no jeans. Oops. But I seem to be missing all my black pants and I was in too much of a rush this morning to search for them. Anyway to be honest this marks the third time I'm having such an orientation programme. And the first day is always boring as hell coz it's mainly talks (tt I've heard before) and a visit to the Heritage Centre (tt we've already been to before). Argh. It's very tough to act interested when you're hearing the same talk by the same person from the same departments in the same 'our mission; our core values; our objectives; our modus operandi... etc' with the same ppt presentation with the blue background, logo and pictures for 2 hours straight. And he called it a short presentation. ARGH. I remember this exact same presentation this time last year, and at tt time the night before I'd had a marathon phone conversation with Mich from 2am to 5am, and I very literally fell asleep in front of the speaker. This time I stayed awake - thank goodness -, but it was hard to fall asleep coz he kept looking in my direction. Scary.

But anyway the good thing about this is tt I finally got to talk to Johnny. Been wanting to chat with him for some time but even though we've been training at the same place and having the same races, because the guys and girls train separately, haven't really had a chance to catch up. He's lost 6kg from training!!! And I've PUT ON 5kg!!! ARGH ARGH ARGH!!! SOMEBODY SHOOT ME RIGHT NOW!!!

Anyway among other interesting pieces of gossip:

1. GG is known as 'The Shield' to the guys. This is because when he does chin-ups, the back view is tt of a shield. Also, rowing behind him is to be shield-ed from the view of the pacer because his back is TT DAMN BIG. Besides being known as 'The Shield', GG is also known as 'cancerous tumour'. Coz it looks like he has tumours growing on his back. HMM. Thirdly, it is traditional for captains to wear tights. Or rather, GG has started the tights wearing tradition. He usually wears tights (tt's how you know abt the sagging butt condition), apparently even during the guys' training camp, where he would lie on his back just wearing his tights and nothing else to sleep. Apparently there's a very distinct bulge tt is clearly recognizable to everyone when he sleeps. And some girls passing by (don't know how or why) commented on how disgusting it was, so since then he has placed a towel over his tights when he sleeps. Therefore in order to succeed GG as future captain, it is imperative for successors to wear tights. Also, successors are highly encouraged to drink GG tea - tea brewed with GG's used and unwashed tights in order to get all his manly qualities.

GG knows nothing of this of course.

2. Earnest is known as Thunder Thighs. This I found out coz I'd told Johnny tt he was good-looking from the neck down (I think he has a six or eight-pac), to which Johnny was like, "NO! That guy has Thunder Thighs! He's so heavy tt when he stands on the back of the boat it tilts! And he's the most terrible rower, tt's why we made him the permanent coxswain!" Muahaha.

3. The BFG tt Melissa and I had been referring to is a damn nice guy (as we'd expected). He is also a 1st class Engin student who is both in Dragonboat AND canoing and has a steady girlfriend, and used to be a pilot and a commando. Unfortunately now he's a little pui, so can refer to him as fat commando. But apparently he still runs like the wind.

4. Songkang and Yokehian are infamous for their tsunami stroke. When Johnny was sitting behind Songkang, after the first stroke so much water was poured over him tt his ears were completely blocked and he rowed the rest of the set half-blind and deaf.

5. To the guys, us dragonboat girls are not girls. Zheying passed this comment: "I am good with girls, but the dragonboat girls are NOT girls." Just as suspected.

6. They don't really have nicknames for us, but one of us is known as Chicago Bulls.

7. For the PM Cup race yesterday, the guys had a massive paddle fight with NTU. Massive meaning paddles were being whacked into each other's chests; Johnny got whacked in the chest and Songkang got whacked in the back of the head. But the guys still won. Apparently the NUS supporters (made up mainly of bored PRCs) in their orbit orange shirts had spurred the team so much tt their last charge was massive. Yes, I think both guys and girls are now famous for our last charges. Speaking of which, another reason why we are not seen as real girls, is because our last charge was so impressive tt the guys in their egotistical mindsets CANNOT believe tt girls are capable of such power or endurance. Anyway NUS capsized on their return to the docking point (proving tt dragonboats CAN capsize after all), and NTU capsized immediately after (how or why I have no idea either).

8. Oh and almost forgot. GGG and Kaijie's gf DID make an agreement to wear matching orange.

Hmm... I think tt's about it for gossip... At least all tt I can remember. Anyway after lunch we visited the Heritage Centre (I still find it amusing how most of the names on the board 'Officers Who Died In The Line of Duty' were involved in TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS. I hope my name goes up on tt board when it's time for me to go, but I hope it's NOT because I was speeding or something. :P

The group of us then went to Novena Square to nua for a while at BK. Johnny left early to meet Qiaoling, so the rest of us just caught up on our days at Hwa Chong, the teachers (including tt closet gay whom had tried to hit on Qicong and had a habit of touching male students' abs), the (horrible) spaceship-like building stuck to the rest of the school, ponning lectures and going Orchard almost everyday (ok, tt's only Humanz students, but well...), etc... That was fun. The one thing we have in common. But because I'm not in Science, I don't encounter so many weird Science teachers, just slack expats. :P

Oh well. Have free time, gotta go sleep now. Have to divide time between Police Orientation, LFOC dry-runs, and LINKIN PARK CONCERT!!!

Nitez.

I HAVE TASTED THE SWEETNESS OF VICTORY

And it was good.

1. Inter-Varsity Polytechic Race (Mixed): SILVER
2. Inter-Varsity Polytechic Race (Women's): GOLD

The guys have also swept the GOLD medal for the Inter-Varsity Polytechic Race (Male) and won the 1000m Prime Minister's Cup against NTU.

This is the full NUS team comprising of both the men's and women's teams.

And this is us, the women's team, showing off the fruits of our hard work.

It's been 2 years since NUS swept the medals. 2 years since we were last feared. For the NUS Women's team it's been especially tough as:

1. We only have 16 people. This is almost half the size of the teams of our competitors, such as NTU who can afford to send in *2* boats to our 1 at any one time.

This lack of size almost got us disqualified because the IVP (mixed) was the event right after the Opens (women), which meant tt 6 out of 11 of the girls in the mixed boat were STILL out rowing and competiting in the previous even as the rest of us were to ready ourselves at the starting point. The organiser kept saying tt they "would not wait for us/delay the race because of us" even tho this fuck-up was mainly their admin fault. And then even when we managed to get all our people in the mixed boat all 6 rowers from the Opens race were given no chance to rest. The good thing is tt we are incredibly strong. I don't mean it physically, but in our minds and hearts. That we can still give our 100% even when we're so dead tired and can hardly breathe. And yes, for the Opens semis we came in 2nd.

2. The majority of our team is comprised of first-years. 9 of us (myself included) are first-years. We have 1 year-two without prior experience. This is in contrast to teams with many more seniors rowing in comparison to juniors (because those teams are larger and can choose to send down their stronger i.e. older rowers. We can't).

3. We were training for 2 months without a coach. David had gone to the US 2 to 3 months before the race and only returned 2 to 3 weeks ago. So all this time only our captain Serene and vice-cap Grace (who is also a first-year) have been taking our training. Oh, and we train 4 times a week nearing the race, in contrast to 5 times a week as per NTU.

There had been a lot of talk going round tt NUS 'couldn't make it'. That we couldn't make it because we were the underdogs. We'd lost our title, we were too small, too new/inexperienced, and we had no coach. During the Women's IVP the commentator had been focused all the while during the race on the neck-to-neck pacing of Ngee Ann Poly and NTU. He'd been so fucking certain tt either one would get gold and the other, silver. As the talk went. He'd never once mentioned NUS. Never once looked at our lane. I'd never heard anyone so SHOCKED when we charged up and overtook BOTH schools to go past the finishing buoy first.

We'd done it. We'd won. We'd proved our detractors wrong. All the people who said what they did got a slap on the face. All those people who believe what they did could go eat their fucking words. We'd did it. All the screams and shouts, the embraces, the tears, the sheer bittersweet feeling of victory.

I bit the championship trophy. Bit it till I cut my lip. :P Was supposed to test my gold medal but I thought the plastic was too pretty to unwrap.

Funny how we have no foreseeable advantages whatsoever, yet we're like the 'Seabiscuit' of dragonboating. I think it all boils down to the heart. That's the one thing we have that wins over the strongest, fittest, fastest, etc team.

Because we trust each other. We love each other. We will willingly carry each other - inside or outside the boat -. We will fight for each other. That's what we did. We fought for each other. I remember the training being damn xiong; I remember Serene being very very hard on me; I remember the times feeling really demoralised during training because I felt I just wasn't good enough. I was just letting everyone down. I remember how hard it is to give up chili, coconut milk and ice-cream, fried food, oily food, late nights, alcohol and partying. I remember. I remember the thoughts of quitting and throwing in the towel, but staying only because of my teammates.

Because I love them. They make me feel like I belong.

There are so many people you need to thank at a time like this. Firstly, your teammates. For literally carrying your weight. For trusting you as much as you trusted them and pushing for you as hard as your pushing for them. For letting you belong with them - both inside and outside the boat. The coxswain Boon Chin, who steered the boat straight, who was to me the bravest person on the boat for choosing to steer us in the face of the kind of blame she may face should anything go wrong, for pushing us hard when she needed to and telling little white lies to motivate us. The drummer Irene who's 'Fly Highs' and 'Doing Fines' really made me feel good enough to keep rowing. She's a real motivator, and her encouragement really helps when you feel like you're about to give up. To Serene my captain. Who I know I haven't been on the good books of coz I used to not come for training regularly, be late for training regularly and have a very lousy technique, such tt I give the impression tt I'm a super bo-chup rower. Who pushed me damn hard in the boat and outside of the boat, who was firm with me (and scared the hell out of me to be honest), who knew when to motivate and encourage me through tt 1 affirmation session tt changed everything, and who has gained all my respect as a captain and a rower. And lastly, to Melissa. Who's undeniably my best friend in the team. I can tell her EVERYTHING; can joke with her, drive her nuts with my eternally-on-repeat-mode renditions of 'You and I Both' or 'Dare You to Move', can talk to her abt my crush and gross her out, tell her when I'm down and just rant, wander around Marina Bay with her and know tt she's the first person I want to hug when we win.

On a completely unrelated note: check out the full NUS Team photo. Note tt only 2 people are looking in the direction of the camera. :) Ooh. And Kang Jie actually messaged me asking how we did, and I don't even know how he got my number. And thank you to Hsien for coming down to watch me row, and Jane for coming down too (that's so sweet) and for the absolutely gorgeous purple flowers!!! I love them. :) I love you guys too, for coming down.

Our victory dinner was a super kuah1-zhang1 way to end off our race: 16 people to 4 plates of:

1. char kway teow
2. fried hokkien mee
3. fried rice
4. chili sting ray
5. sambal sotong
6. orh-luah
7. chai dau kway (fried carrot cake)
8. sambal kangkong
9. fried you zhar kway/youtiao (fried dough fritters) with mayonnaise
10. satay

We ate until we wanted to peng-san, literally. We were supposed to eat with the guys, but decided not to coz there was not enough space (their girlfriends took up too much space), it was awkward and we wouldn't have as much fun as gossiping without them around, and in any case it cramped our style.

Ooh. And now Sean Tan is out of the picture coz he's got a gf (and STILL only either talks to Serene or Grace anyway). But not to fear, there's still the 'guy with the beautiful eyes' aka Melvin (not Jenming). And darling I'm not competition coz I'm not interested in all 3 of them. :P But I love you anyway.

I love ALL FIFTEEN of you.

...That's taken at the NUS Annual Sports Dinner in April before our Sea Sports Camp. Note the difference in skin colour between tt time and now. Muahaha. (And size too.)

P.S. In lieu of tomorrow's agenda my hair is now BLACK. Bah.

SINGAPORE DRAGONBOAT FESTIVAL 2004

Location: Marina Bay

(finishing point + competitors' points underneath the Benjamin Sheares Bridge;
launching point at Esplanade Drive Bridge)

Programme for NUS on Sunday 20 June 2004:

1. National Championship (Women) Semi-Final 2 at 3.00pm

2. Tertiary Open (Mixed) Final at 3.20pm

3. Tertiary Open (Women) Final at 4.20pm

4. (unconfirmed) National Championship (Women) Final at 5.45pm

I have a feeling that I will be involved in events 1 and 2 at 3.00pm and 3.20pm respectively. Am praying tt God will give me the discipline, the strength, the focus and most importantly the courage to go for what I want to achieve.

On a totally unrelated note, is it me or does Paris Hilton look a lot more likeable fully-clothed (or as clothed as she can ever be) and letting a cute blonde 4-year-old help her kill the bugs in her room? :P

Yes. The Simple Life is great entertainment.

Currently Watching The Simple Life see related

"I WANTED YOU TO KNOW, THAT I LOVED THE WAY YOU LAUGHED

...I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph
And I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain"

That's the first verse of the song 'Broken' by Seether (featuring Amy Lee) off the soundtrack of The Punisher. Beautiful song. Growing on me (like The Darkness). Have been playing it repeatedly on my iTunes as I blog.

Anyway the 3-day blogging hiatus is coz I've been pretty busy the past 3 days. 3 days, 3 different meet-ups, 3 very different but equally close friends.

Highlights of my days:

1. Training. Had this on the mornings of Tues and Thurs. Morale is very high for our race tomorrow and Sun - and YES, it's TOMORROW. One whole month of pure training, and it culminates into our race tomorrow. For those interested, the races will be held on Saturday and Sunday (19 and 20 June 2004) as part of the Duan Wu Jie/Dragonboat Festival. The race course will be from the Esplanade Drive Bridge to the Benjamin Sheares Bridge (approx. 800m although it seems longer), and we'll be participating in 1 race on Sat (Women's Open) and 3 races on Sun (Women's IVP, Mixed IVP and one more... don't know what the last one is though)... I think I should be in the Mixed IVP - it'll be around 3.20pm if you want to come down! Even if not to support, I've heard friends who have watched dragonboat races tell me how interesting it is. You won't just see us rowing, you'll be seeing a drummer, the coxswain, and the boats will have real dragon heads and tails, so it'll def be an eye-opener! Bring your family along, esp if they're traditional! But I doubt anyone will be hurling bak chang into the water tho. :)

The team's pretty bonded now.

The above 2 pics were taken at our Chinese Garden Race, 1 in the morning when we were crowding round the weiqi tables playing reversi, and the other during lunch when we were blocking the passageway such tt GG + GGG had to step over us.

The pic below was during my race when I was the pacer (i.e. first person) on the right of the boat.

I can't wait for tomorrow to come. We want gold. I can practically taste it. Can picture myself again and again, biting into it and tasting gold. Who cares if the medal's only worth $5 a piece? Who cares if it chips and the paint comes off onto my teeth? I want it tt much, feel it tt much. All the sacrifices, all the sweat, the sting of the salt water in my eyes, the blisters we endure on our palms and fingers, the tanlines and the Incredible Hulk arms, 6 months of training... Will culminate in something.

2. Running. I've clocked 35 km this week. Or I'll be clocking 40 km if you count today. 10km on Mon and Wed, 5km on Sun, Tues and yesterday (and probably another 5km today too). For the first time since the exams ended, I've dragged myself off my lazy butt and started running again. Admittedly it was coz David said we needed to run to get our hearts pumping, and it's not much of an achievement coz I'm STILL RUNNING LIKE A BLOODY SNAIL!!!!!! But the fact tt I'm running again instead of just eating and sleeping is good. Although admittedly when I was talking to Jane and she was complaining abt how boring her schedule was, I couldn't say tt mine was very much more interesting. A training day just means waking up in the morning to train, then have lunch, go home for a nap, wake up for a run, have dinner, and then either watch TV or blog before I go sleep. How boring is tt?

3. Visiting the CSS FOC. Coz Jo told me tt Dee's lonely and coz Emma from Law FCG have asked me to go down, I went down for the Faculty lunch on Wed. Stayed a while for the games too, but I stayed with an OG with 3 other Law people in it... I'm not tt comfy with the CSS people... Can talk with the Law FCG people coz I've attended the FCG meetings and all, but not too close to the rest. Plus I've had a run-in with some of the CSS Arts people at the Sea Sports Camp when I was with my girls, and we sort of rubbed them the wrong way (intimidated the hell out of them, esp the girls with their little bikinis and intentions to just suntan. But then again what to do? Oh well), so it wasn't as warm as I would like. I didn't spend a lot of time with Dee tho coz I didn't join her OG. Ironically, Mark, who was my facil last year, was her facil this year. Most interesting. Oh, and Jo wasn't around when I came (she said she'd only be coming to support the theatre ministry who were doing something for the Francis Musical), so tt was too bad. :(

Ooh, and interesting conversation over lunch. I think Kim was telling us abt a girl friend of hers who'd appealed to stay in hall. The guy from the JCRC had had to give her some interview.

Guy: What can you offer me to let you stay in hall?
Girl: Uh... sex?

I'm not very sure whether she managed to stay or not. But she's supposed to be Catholic. HMM.

Ooh. But Law has 1 Catholic freshie. Who looks like a fairer version of Sabrina (who's also Catholic) and has very pretty eyes. In Joanna's OG. Very sweet but I didn't get to say much to her. And apparently my muscles and tan have made it very obvious to everyone tt I'm either a rower, a sailor or a canoeist. Oh yay! At least I don't look soft, fat and lazy! Muahaha.

4. I've finally been to Wala Wala and satisfied my sushi craving! Muahaha. Yes, this week I have finally been to the place tt everyone's been talking abt and is only 15 bloody minutes away from my house by bus, but to which I have never been to. The live music really is worth going there to listen to, and while I've been banned from alcohol and can only survive on juices, it really is worth it. And I even saw Kai there by pure accident coz it was her friend's birthday, so tt is great. :) And Jane was willing to indulge my sushi craving, so we went to Sakae yesterday night where I had *5* fucking plates of sushi, an agaedashi tofu and a chawanmushi... And the best part is because I've developed a monster's appetite I wasn't even full! So we had dessert at Marche's too. The good thing is tt Serene's given us the go-ahead to carbo-load so I can eat as much rice as I want... But yes I agree, this is a sure way to getting fat-TER and putting on even MORE weight and losing a 6-pac as surely as the sun rises.

5. I've met and had meaningful conversations with 3 very different friends but who matter as much to me.

5a. Mich

Met her on Tuesday. Coz she's a lot older she plays a bit of mentor-role in my life. It's always fun to go out with her coz she indulges my childish behaviour and she takes me places, yet at the same time she's always asking me questions tt force me to reflect on myself, my life's choices, and the people around me. Unfortunately it wasn't so fantastic on Tuesday coz I was just out of my period of anti-socialness, and I wasn't in the mood to be deep, reflective or accepting. I'd just wanted the pleasure of her company as she had promised the last time over coffee at Coffee Bean, when she'd told me tt it was time for her to stop asking and trying to guide, and to just take the company as it is. But on Tues she wanted to have some 'fun' poking at me and provoking me for responses. It wasnt a fantastic idea coz I felt irritated, and as a result the more she prodded the more I retaliated, shut off, reacted negatively, did everything except go 'Fuck Off' and leave me alone. Fortunately, you know I still love you Mich. Just tt sometimes you really have to let me be. As you know, I AM an all-or-nothing person and as far as I see it I will NEVER change even if you stuck a knife into my heart and twisted it till you tore into my chambers and blood oozed out slowly both black and blue. When I'm anti-social, I don't speak to anyone at all. When I'm social, I cram my schedule with people. When I feel like doing something, I go all out to do it. When I don't want to, I don't do anything at all. If I want to accept, I accept. If I don't want to, you can push at me till you turn blue in the face and I will never change my mind. It's not about not giving myself room, it's not about being inflexible, it's about demarcating the boundaries, making things very clear, and being true to what I want for myself.

5b. Chris

Met him on Wed. Think the last time I met him was at tt Taekwondo outing. We ate (some more) at Brekos. Altho I insist the hot chocolate has too much milk and too little chocolate. Spoke about a lot of thigns I guess, caught up about each others' lives. And came up with a few interesting theories. With Mich conversation is analytical, methodical, there's ALWAYS supposed to be an answer or a solution to every question posed. With Chris it's more relaxed, there are no answers to any questions. We enjoy each other's company, we philosophise with no ends to a means. Among other observations, he said: "Do you notice tt the people you consider intelligent are really the people WHO AGREE WITH WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY?"

And my answer to tt is... muahahaha, tt's true. For people who haven't noticed this yet, TRY IT. You will realise tt the 'most intellectual/smartest/most intelligent' conversatuion tt you've had is with people who agree with and/or add on to what you have to say. But it's true isn't it? If you had a conversation with someone who kept disagreeing with everything you had to say you'd think tt person is a fucking moron. Which is true in my case coz I do think tt of a few people for tt reason. But then again, it could also be true tt they are fucking morons.

We broached the topic of why we were both unhappy. Me with all the stuff I have going on in my life, and he with his stable life. At least I think it's stable. Okay family, few close but very realiable friends, a girlfriend who loves him to bits and has been with him for years (so sweet when he talks to her on the phone. :) ), yet we're both not happy. Him he thinks coz he thinks a lot but doesn't do enough, me because I'm just too ambitious and not content with what I have. Everything I do is like a short-term solution to a long-term problem tt I can't solve and I can't accept.

Does uni suck the innocence out of you? I told him tt I feel so much older now. Yet at the same time he says it's possible to be innocent and still have an old soul. For some reason, he and Mich both tell me tt I am an old soul in a young body. Both of them also say tt I think too much. I guess I do... But then again, if you don't think, then who are you? What are you? What would life actually mean to you? Would life be worth the living if you didn't know why?

He also says tt the best conversations are the ones which:
1.: have no conclusion
2.: have many things left unsaid

Maybe this is why talking to him is always something worth looking forward to.

Lastly, I think I was complaining about girls with rebonded hair. Ity was coz a girl he'd liked had rebonded hair and I said tt tt was such a turn-off (I am biased against slim, fair girls with rebonded hair). But he'd said tt it was better than having guys with rebonded hair, citing the infamous Vaness Wu as a living example.

I have a problem with his name. I told Chris tt I bet Vaness' parents had been hoping for a girl when he'd been born.

His answer: "No, they're still waiting for a son."

5c. Jane

Met her yesterday night. The first time since clubbing at Devil's Bar when exams ended coz she went on her mountain-climbing expedition to Island Peak in Nepal for an entire month.

She's as gorgeous as ever. I SWEAR Jane is probably the hottest girl friend I have. Not only is she very very pretty and has a great body, she's intelleigent, VERY sporty, very disciplined, and she's got this endless cheer and boundless energy tt just lifts you.

That's how I describe my meet-ups with her. She ALWAYS lifts me. Even when I'm down or tired, she never fails to cheer me up. She's got this smile tt goes to her eyes and lights up her entire face.

Anyway last night we were catching up and while I was telling her about my training and my teammates, she was telling me about her expedition and her teammates. How they climb, how hard it is to breathe, what they have to eat, how beautiful the scenery is when it snows and you look out of your tent and see huge mountains in the distance, the kind of exhilaration you feel when you've summited (she summited 2 times; once with her team and once on her own), how scary it is when there's a white-out and you can't see anything, how tough and difficult it is to climb when you're physically exhausted and you can't breathe coz of the high altitudes... Her plans for MIR in NUS and her wonderings about leading a team of women to climb Everest in 2008 (the first all-women's team in South Eeast Asia) vs. the kind of commitment it will warrant from her and all the other 'normal' stuff tt she will have to miss out on because of the kind of sacrifice tt her sport commands from her. Jane is one of the few people I respect, and I guess you can see why. The kind of love tt she has for her sport and the kind of focus and discipline tt she has is just amazing. I have never nor doubt I will ever find tt determination in anyone else. And ooh, she's signing up for salsa classes with me! And I think we'll be clubbing next Wed when my ban is lifted (I MISS PHUTURE!!!). I don't care tt it's scholarship orienatation week/law orientation caamp dry-runs... Don't think I'll be needed totally awake anyway. Wa-hey!

I love Jane. She thinks I look tired. But I'm not physically or mentally tired. If anything, I'm just emotionally drained. But I'm glad to say tt I'm recovering. :)

6. There are THONGS for guys.

Yes, I know this looks gross but I just HAD to put it up (there's an even worse picture of a SILK thong whereby the male model wears this RED thing underneath some silk robe. Uber-gay. Ugh). Uh...

"Thong underwear fashioned from super soft cotton with a touch of Lycra.^® Tonal elastic logo waistband. Traditional thong back. Machine wash. Import. White, Black. S-M-L-XL. "

Did you read tt line? Did you? The line tt says 'Traditional thong back'??? Omigod what kind of guy will WANT to wear a thong? For girls it's understandable coz 1. we want to avoid VPLs when we wear skirts and all and 2. it's supposed to be sexy. Hey, we're girls. We have a God-given right to wear thongs. But GUYS???!!!

Anyway this thong thingie is available from http://www.undergear.com/. You can check out tt website for more faggy guy stuff. And they have thong and bikini swimwear for guys too. Surprise surprise.

No wait, the site is giving me gift-ideas for my guy friends. HMM.

7. Yes, so tt will be the END of my long long long update. Tomorrow is my race. Wish me luck.

BROKEN

by Seether featuring Amy Lee

I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; and I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Cause Im broken, when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

You've gone away...
You dont feel me here anymore..

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Cause Im broken when I’m open
And I dont feel like I am strong enough
Cause Im broken when I’m lonesome
And I dont feel right when you’re gone away

Cause Im broken when I’m open
And I dont feel like I am strong enough
Cause Im broken when I’m lonesome
And I dont feel right when you’re gone away

you've gone away...
you dont feel me here anymore

Currently Playing Broken By Seether see related

ALONE

I've been feeling really anti-social the past few days outside of training. I just don't want to be around anyone. I guess it's coz I'm unhappy. I don't bother denying it, coz I know I'm unhappy. And sometimes it's so damn fucking hard to put up tt front, to smile and laugh and joke with friends and family when you'd rather just scowl your day away. Self-pitying? Self-centred? Self-indulgent? Definitely. But right now I think a little bit of this is healthy, coz repression helps even less. And it's not like I stay home and rot; I just go out and enjoy MY OWN company.

One thing I like about myself is tt I don't mind going out alone. In fact I enjoy it. I don't give a fuck if people see me eating alone, shopping alone or catching a movie alone. I believe tt if you can't even be comfortable in your own skin, how can you expect yourself to be comfortable with other people? In any case, why should other people's opinions matter to me since it's a known scientific fact tt humans are a self-conscious lot? We are always worried about the way we look and represent ourselves to others, whether we admit it or not. It's like tt song 'All Falls Down' by Kayne West:

"It seems we living the American Dream
But the people highest up got the lowest self esteem
The prettiest people do the ugliest things
For the road to riches and diamond rings
We shine because they hate us, floss cause they degrade us
We trying to buy back our 40 acres
And for that paper, look how low we a`stoop
Even if you in a Benz, you still a nigga in a coupe"

..."The people highest up got the lowest self esteem / The prettiest people do the ugliest things" Loves these lines. How true are they? In a society tt makes us so materialistic, so self-conscious about the way we present ourselves? More often than not we are living for the approval and the recognition of others, rather than for what we really want.

"We buy our way out of jail, but we can`t buy freedom
We`ll buy a lot of clothes when we don`t really need em
Things we buy to cover up what`s inside
Cause they make us hate ourself and love they wealth"

I suppose in my case being alone has never been out of the ordinary for me coz I've been doing this for a very long time. Admittedly sometimes it isn't as fun as engaging in an intellectual or a heart-to-heart conversation with another person, or sharing in the jokes and the laughter of a whole group of people, but it's liberating to just do what you want, when you want, without anyone fucking with you. Anyway I made sure to dress down - either T-shirt or tank top with berms (what I normally wear) to escape detection. What I DON'T understand is why I ALWAYS get stared at anyway. What? WHAT? Is it my Hulkster arms? Is it my darker-than-all-the-guys tanline? WHAT?

Anyway my first stop was Borders today. I love walking into Borders, even more so than Kino actually. I ALWAYS end up seeing books that I want to buy. Like The Da Vinci Code, which I've been hearing nothing but good reviews about, and this book called The Curious Incident of the Dog At Night-Time, although the second has caught my attention more because of packaging than anything else. It's interesting title, its cover, doesn't it just want to make you read more?

That's what it's all about nowadays isn't it? Packaging. They have an Idiot's Guide to the Bible - can you believe it? There is a copy of the Kama Sutra with a bright green spine and equally bright pink lettering - and it's selling for the highly-affordable price of $29.85 (but I believe that there is no need to buy the book as humans are inherently adept at achieving sexual nirvana on their own. Even if it's not possible for one to discover all the 400 (or was it 1000) positions in his lifetime, buying the book does not mean you'll be able to use all of them anyway. Besides, you don't need that many to beign with!). Let's face it, with the right title and the right cover, you can attract anyone. And Sex Sells. A book with 'sex' in its title WILL be picked up, no matter how much crap is inside. Because sex has always been society's dirty little secret. It's taboo, it's not to be talked about, yet it's necessary and it's 'In' and in fashion.

I always hover around the Humour section in Borders. There are always books to browse tt you can go through in say, 15 minutes? For free when you would otherwise have to pay $26.95 or something to that effect. There's a book listing 500 really boh-liao websites tt is selling for 19-fucking-bucks. And oh, the Worst-Case Scenario-Survival Handbook has expanded. There's the original, one for Travel, one for Work, Golf, College and even Dating and Sex. The last of which teaches you how to fix stains on your clothes, escape bad dates, bad kisses, deal with gliches pre and post-sex like bra clasps, and how to tell him/her tt 'it's not them, it's you'. Notice: I have found my Christmas presents for this year. Prepare yourself all my friends and family, if you do get a copy of the Worst-Case Scenario Handbook something or other. :)

After Borders I went to catch Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. I'm not a fan. I've never, nor do I intend to start reading the book. Terry Goodkind and Robert Jordan are all the fantasy I need, thank you! I went in with very low expectations because all week my teammates have been expounding the sheer lousiness of the movie, but at the end of it I found the whole movie ok. I wouldn't say it was brilliant. In fact I have nothing to say about the movie at all. I guess whatever needed to be said has already been said by other people. But I was not disappointed either, so tt is tt.

After tt I had lunch at Long John Silvers with my book Tuesdays with Morrie for company. Yes ladies and gentlemen I have cheated. I have opened this book without yet finishing Slaughterhouse Five. A move I do not regret. I have not read more than 50 pages today, yet I feel so uplifted in this way tt has eluded me since the whole depressing negative atmosphere of Slaughterhouse Five descended upon me. It's so simply written, but the content resonates with you, because both the author and his mentor are the people tt you know, tt you meet, tt you ARE, everyday of your lives. The two of them are in there, in you, around you somewhere, and you know tt at the right moment they will appear. The experiences shared, chances are you've gone through or know someone who has gone through them. The questions asked are the ones tt you've asked yourself before. Or at least, have never dared to. Somehow I'm reminded of Jostein Gaarner's 'Sophie's World', but right now it's too soon for me to draw comparisons. But I like what I read. It makes me happy.

Along with happy underwear. Okay, so maaaaybe this isn't the best place to discuss undergarments but this is MY blog! And I have a fetish for undies with cartoons on them. I'm serious. The more obiang/orbit the design, the more I like it. So today I bought 3 pieces from Far East: 1 pink checkered one with strawberries on it, 1 lime green one with moshimaru rabbits (damn fucking hilariously cute) on the back, and 1 with a huge rabbit making a 'peace' (or have I mistaken it for something else?) sign. Oh, and a pair of pink thong slippers from Royal Sporting House tt is DAMN cheap at $12.90. Am happy. Those slippers save my life coz the yellow ones I'm wearing today are so fucking heavy (bought by the mom) tt when I walk around they 'clonk' most ungraciously, and attract a lot of unwanted attention. Clonk clonk ARGH! Hurts the bloody blister on my toe! Gotta limp up the stairs.

Oh, and I met my cousin Jo. Happy accident. Just happened to be going up the escalator at Far East and she walked right in front of me. Apparently she recognised the tank top and red Quiksilver berms with the big orchids. We walked around for a bit and settled at Ya Kun Kaya Toast (AGAIN!!!) for a cup of coffee (and Horlicks and soft-boiled eggs for me. Wa-hey!) . Fuck I'm getting fat. And we just caught up. About what's happened the past few weeks etc. Told her about all the stuff tt's been happening during my training. Ooh. And she showed me this Hot Rod Transformer tt she bought for her bf. I wanted to take it home instead and get her to tell him to go buy his own bloody robot! (Coz it's HOT ROD. Hello? HOT ROD. If it were any other Autobot - say, Optimus Prime - I wouldn't really bother. But it's HOT ROD. My childhood hero.) And I was sort of hinting for her to club with me after my race, but I think the conversation went some way of 'he doesn't club'. So my solution is why not have him drive us to CHIJMES? Then we can leave him at some pub with football screens so he can catch his Euro 2004 match while we go off somewhere nearby to enjoy ourselves, and then come back later so he can happliy drive us home?

But she's too nice to do tt to him. But dear darling coz, I'M NOT. Muahaha.

She also told me tt my younger cousin Denise, who had an appointment with me today tt I cancelled last minute due to my attack of anti-socialness is going for the CSS FOC tt I attended last year. Yes, more incentive for me to pop down to Eusoff even though I'm not close to the CSS people.

I don't know. Maybe it's because the few CSS people (I don't really mix with most of them, except the ones from Law FCG, who ARE to me genuinely nice) strike me as hypocrites. Not to put anyone down, but I HATE, absolutely HATE people who try to be sweet/saccherine/really really diabetes-inducingly nice, or excruciatingly holy, BUT you KNOW damn well tt they're not. It's this intuition thing, or rather, things tt you see tt you shouldn't have, and after tt you just get so disillusioned.

Jo assures me tt the few people whose names I mentioned aren't indicative of CSS in general, but I guess once I'm biased, I'm a DAMN hard person to un-bias. But anyway since Dee is there now, and Jo will be going down on Wed, I guess I'll pop down there too.

Anyway among other things on my agenda is to take up Pilates. Apparently I heard it promotes lean muscle growth, which I desperately fucking need once my race ends, even though I personally think Pilates is a girly-useless waste of time, RUN more, do Stair-climbing for the first time in my life (please Lord let me burrrrrn the fat off my thunder thighs), etc. Basically do something about my body. I'm getting TOO self-conscious about it now. *sigh*

Besides tt, where the FUCK has all my money gone to??? If I don't get my scholarship allowance for next sem ASAP, my bank account WILL run down to zero. ARGH!!!

Lastly, check this site out. So ridiculous. :P

Currently Reading Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life's Greatest Lesson By Mitch Albom see related

"SCARS ARE SOUVENIRS YOU NEVER LOSE"

- 'Name' by the Goo Goo Dolls.