absolutum dominium

coincidences are scary. my receptivity to them, even more so.

i think i think too much. i know i really shouldn't, but it was all a matter of timing, and boom. the timing was too good, and i was caught unawares. i try to be strong and resolute, but i know tt i am deep inside, a creature of superficiality and idealistic emotions. i try to stay firm, but i know tt sometimes i can't prevent my resolve from crumbling in the face of an assault by timing.

i'm leaving (provided ubc sends me my fucking acceptance package). i'm leaving for one year. i know all the reasons, all the rationale, the entire drill about why and what to do. but dammit i am dreaming too much. i am not helping myself coz it's fun to distract myself, but i know tt i am playing into the devil's hands because i am not strong enough, not practical enough, to stay out of falling too deep.

i thought i'd extricated myself fairly safely, but i think i may have fallen in again. dammit.

anyway today for some reason i got to sdba very fucking early. was there by 8.15am to be exact. this is the result of waking up at 6.30am and catching a damn early bus out. but as you can tell from the title, running killed me.

the runs before training scare me more and more coz they're back to endurance runs. admittedly i have to admit tt they are helping me improve more than the intervals and circuits, because i can survive intervals and circuits even with my shortness of breath and muscular pains in my legs. coz it's fast burst but i get rest-time later.

but for endurance, even though the pain takes a little longer to come, it kills me. it really kills me, coz i have to push myself the entire distance through the pain, and it's so so so so so much fucking longer than just 100m or 200m. it goes on and on, and even though i'm so fucking slow i want to amputate my useless appendages, coz of the distance i hit the mental barrier at some point in time, but after tt somehow everything just numbs out and i can complete the run, no matter how painful and impossible the task seems at the beginning. or throughout, for tt matter.

so melissa, thanks for helping me to improve. i hate to say this, but i have to admit tt as much as i really really really HATE the goddamn endurance runs we do before rowing, because of a) the pain b) the frustration c) the sheer embarassment of being a walking snail when i'm supposed to be some mighty dragonboater, and having EVERYONE stare at me with incredubility when i limp along like a wounded animal d) the guilt of not being good enough or for causing my partner or you and vic so much problems, the endurance runs is the ONLY WAY i really improve. coz short runs and running on my own are just not good enough as i don't test my mental barrier or push it beyond human limits the way i do in an endurance run. so thank you for this.

but tt said, YES. i HATE them to death. i really really do. and i really really miss those days when i really actually could honestly tell myself tt i FEEL GOOD RUNNING. i want tt feeling back again very very badly.

anyway for rowing... i don't know why but i felt very tired again today. it wasn't all tt xiong coz we've done worse, but my left deltoid and bicep were screaming in agony coz i kept trying to do the new stroke correctly. it frustrates me slightly tt i lack the strength to pull all the way back past my waist once i have a front catch; guess there's nothing else i can do except practise more and get fitter. tt said i think things are going the right way for training. i know tt there are some hiccups here and there, but properly analysed these hiccups are probably not surprising or unexpected, and as we push ourselves as rowers and improve, these hiccups will probably vanish.

all i wish is tt there can be more bonding between us. a lot of us are already bonded, but the thing is bonding within smaller groups just isn't enough. i know it's impossible for everyone to be equally close to everyone else, but i hope tt there will be more communication at least, within the team. we need tt kind of communication in order to find tt chemistry. but once again, i think we're headed in the right direction, so tt is a good thing.

speaking of which, i can't wait for penang. we'll be staying at the city bayview hotel. much to my disappointment, it is right in the heart of the city and not overlooking one of penang's famous beaches, but i shall take heart. hopefully we will have enough r and r time to visit those beaches anyway *crosses fingers*. look at this full page of photos of penang's beaches. HOW can we not go there???

And the short write-up of the beaches:

"Beaches

Penang has attractive beaches that stretch for miles from Tanjong Bungah to Bungah to Batu Ferringhi right up to Telok Bahang. At Tanjong Bungah, the beaches are suitable for swimming.

At the beachfront in Batu Ferringhi several watersports operators provide sailing and para-sailing gear and speed-boating facilities. Telok Bahang is a picturesque stretch of traditional Malay homes with a pier made of wooden stakes. From here, visitors can hire a boat to take them to the unspoilt beaches of Muka Head and Pantai Kerachut (Monkey Beach)."

beaches and watersports. MMM. come on. it's our first team holiday!!! i'm so excited!

so after rowing we (mona, wendz, geoks, wenya, jul, yirang, wenting, cindy, angeline and me) bathed and headed to the food junction at cine for lunch. never buy ban mian from tt stall. it's damn lousy, and all the noodles absorbs the soup. i felt a bit sick after eating the noodles. then again eating the bananas after training gives me indigestion. yeargh.

then coz wendy and geoks had some job interview thing at borders, me, mona and wenya went over there with them. the rest went to watch madagascar. ended up browsing through the books as wendy and geoks found out tt borders wasn't hiring anymore after all, and mona and i just ending up gossiping and guffawing away amidst the stupid sports and fitness books with their photoshoped pictures and stupid titles like "lose tt mummy tummy".

after tt went to nua with geok and wendy and mos burger in shaw, then headed home for dinner. no, didn't even attempt to run. had to help mom prepare dinner. dad was being pre-menstrual today (and you thought tt only happened to girls!), and kept asking me why i didn't wash his car or sweep the garden. hello. when did you want me to do either or both? considering tt on sun it was raining, and on mon i was out by 7.30am and back by 9pm, do you expect me to do either in the darkness? unfortunately i do not have night vision. if i did i would have made millions selling myself to the circus and i would have hired my own damn maid.

so here i am. washed my own clothes again. dad wants me to stay home coz the carpenter is coming again tomorrow. sometimes i wonder why the fuck my family is so screwed up. my dad hasn't done anything and always perpetually complains tt he is tired, or has injured some appendage out of his own clumsiness. and expects us to fawn over him. my mom works like a dog refusing all help when asked, only to yell at us for not appreciating her at all after tt.

someone please shoot me. i hate all this emotional bullshit.

thank god my father has never asked me to choose between the home and dragonboat (altho i was damn sure he was going to today). maybe he knows tt he should never ask questions to which he doesn't want to know the answer.