absolutum dominium

sat afternoon. am at home helping my dad type out his speech for yet another church thing he's doing. people find it ironic how my parents have both dedicated their whole waking lives (or most of them) to the church, whereas me their daughter can't really (and won't really) give a flying fuck. it's not tt i don't believe in God, but i don't proclaim to be a good catholic. i believe in Him, but frankly i think the church is made up of a whole bunch of selfish hypocrites who just assume tt so-called "church work" is going to buy their ransom through the pearly gates. so me? i don't even bother.

anyway basic assumption: i'm prob going to hell anyway. so anything better than tt will be a pleasant surprise.

but yeah. i still gotta help my dad coz he's a techno dinosaur, and in usual dad fashion he's bitten off more than he can chew and taken on more roles than he can handle, so in steps in super-daughter to help not-so-super-dad.

anyway tonight i got geok's birthday to look forward to. exciting. somehow the extended relatives are asking us out for dinner before i leave. exciting! tomorrow i get to see denise and uncle david and auntie brenda! wahaha. but on mon apparently my mom wants to arrange some dinner thing with our 3rd aunt-family... and i already have a dinner with the home team planned. and my mom's like "you can cancel your other activities if they're not as important." i was wondering if i should tell her tt this is prob more important to me than tt so-called family dinner coz tt family, we see them 2 times a year at christmas and at chinese new year, they haven't done fuck for us and my dad always pays when he takes them out to dinner, and i am sick of playing the goddamn guai neice and cousin to everyone. i would much rather have dinner with friends tt i am comfortable and can be myself with.

forgive me if i sound cold, but to be honest, i never got the whole "blood runs thicker than water" saying. just because we're related doesn't exactly mean fuck to me. not when the actions seem to suggest everything else. if everything is just one-sided, everything just comes from my parents, everything is just a matter of fucking 'tradition' (which i don't exactly believe in or expouse either), what is the point?

my dad is beginning to realise tt his daughter doesn't share much of his or my mom's beliefs. they believe in the future, in 'successful living', to coin the catch-all phrase of a friend of mine who strongly believed tt me and my boy should never get together because it would not fit into the catagory of successful living. i don't. i believe in meaningful or fulfilling living. i believe in the experience of life. the journey, not just the fucking destination.

maybe i'm like i said, too idealistic. too emotional. i'm not practical enough. according to my dad, i'm not traditional. i'm corrupted coz one of my dreams before i die is to finish a 42 km marathon, and he calls it 'egomania'. well. i told him i'm not doing drugs, i'm not drinking myself into a drain, i'm not smoking cigarettes or pot or ganja or hellooooo... fucking heroin, i'm not prostituting myself to buy gucci and dolce and gabbana, i am in law school for crying out loud, i have a fucking scholarship and i am securing a job tt will damn well help to support him and my mom for the rest of their lives...

so why can't i do what i want to do for the rest of my life? if i want to run a marathon, it's my goddamn problem. if i want to skydive, it's my goddamn problem. if i decide tt i wanna go on fear factor, it's my goddamn problem too. i think i've pretty much fulfilled the basics anyway. i promised myself and you tt i would never let you guys down, tt i will always do the Tan family proud, and i will do tt.

so as far as the rest of my life is concerned, it's my own fucking business. i'm not going to become some big-shot CEO earning $1.2 million a year. it's not my dream to make obscene amounts of money or become commissioner anyway. i'm not going to become the model wife and mom, gentle and feminine. i'm not going to fucking listen to my husband. and there, i'm saying it out here in black and white. if we quarrel, we quarrel. if we fight, we fight. i'll never bow down and obey anyone. my mom might say tt's corrupted also. oh. it's a sure way to end up in divorce and divorce = unsuccessful living, and i'll get ex-communicated from the church and all.

well, like i said: church is full of hypocrites. they've excommunicated a lot of people already, some of whom are good people, for what i consider minor things like divorce. sure, it's against canon's law, but canon's law was made by men and men's law is not God's law. so seriously, i think it's not going to be my loss in the first place. i'm sorry, but i never buy into anything wholesale. it's not my style.

i'm not going to be domesticated and become a stepford wife. i'm not going to play my kids barney songs and teach them about peace and love. was already discussing this with the boy (yeah. i know. we're fucking weird. 1 month into our relationship and we've talked about house, car and kids already), and we both feel the same way. we're more likely to teach them '999 ways to use a chair' and 'streetfighting 101' than we are to teach them to love their neighbours and to turn the other cheek if some asshole decides to beat them up.

so sorry. it's not my style. has never been, might never be. so there.

anyway i digress. am just fucking sick and tired of my parents trying to mould me into their perfect angel and daughter and teach me the so-called 'correct values'. it's not who i am. has never been and will never be.

last night after i came back from malacca, met jane for dinner. we wanted to eat la mian, but the crystal jade la mian place in taka was ridiculously crowded, so we settled for yoshinoya and later coffee bean. jason met her there for a movie; met my boy as well. he bought me a cup-warmer. i'm fascinated by the gift. i've never known tt such quirky stuff existed. either a) it's a free gift; b) he was looking through this hardware store and just happened to chance upon it; or c) he actually took the trouble to think of something practical tt i could use tt i would not previously have thought of myself. yeah. it could possibly be c) and tt's not giving him too much credit. maybe tt's why it's so sweet. hmm.

then mr.-i-forgot-to-eat-again decided to have his first meal of today (unless you count the 4am supper as belonging to today), so we ventured to cine food court for him to hunt his food. then it was to boat quay tcc for coffee, but i hate it when it's so fucking crowded... and i started getting this unthinkable craving for beef. namely, chunks of beef. meaty and all. tt was weird. he gave me this look.

decided he'd borrow his friend's car since the guy was working. went over to chinablack to get the car. at first his friend was reluctant coz he thought we were going to get naughty in the car. erm. excuse me? innocent blushing virgin here. anyway it's not my style. ugh. you'd probably end up getting your head stuck under the clutch or something. ow. so anyway with some cajoling, allowing us to receive a lot of teasing (yeah. the guys even asked if i was pregnant. my god. but i was expecting tt. sigh.), and agreeing to buy them all supper - and tt's 9 people), we got the car.

ooh. it was so cute. this guy's a bouncer and he looks intimidating and no-nonsense, and his car is a cute family-car with a baby seat in the front. and above the driver's seat is a mashimaro cd carrier with 2 mashimaro wabbits and a cd of 'barney songs'! i was totally gushing about the fatherly nature of tt guy. who'd have thought?

anyway we pumped $20 of petrol into the car, then the boy drove me up to changi to have a look around at the higher-quality bapoks, and then down tt straight long road by the airport tt was racers' heaven. the view is so gorgeous at night when you can see the planes take off and land just above you, and the ground is so flat. i'm so irritated with my parents. i've lived in singapore all my life and they've never not once in their lives ever thought of bringing me here. i feel so deprived. GRR.

then it was off to mt. faber to see another view point. ooh. there was a parked van and some couple was doing something inside the van. heh heh. then it was finally back to fong seng for nasi lemak. act met johnny there with his jcrc people and we said 'hi'. then we brought the supper back for the rest of the guys. police car + van + ambulance was somewhere around the area when we got back. yet another fight somewhere. he was telling me tt girl fights were the most entertaining to watch. coz guys just punch each other till 1 goes down, butches just thrash talk and then slap each other until their girlfriends separate them, but girls... the last fight he witnessed they were both wearing spag tops and mini skirts and each resorted to trying to pull off the other's bra and panties.

...right.

got home around 3am last night. could barely wake up today. i guess tt's why the boy isn't even awake yet.