absolutum dominium

one thing i like about itunes is how its music store updates me constantly about new albums tt are coming out based on my music preferences. which is great coz otherwise i wouldn't have known tt deathcab for cutie has a new album entitled "plans" coming out on 30 august. which is fantastic. i can buy them in canada, which is their native country. it's def going to be a lot cheaper than going the hmv route. "transatlantism" was retailing for close to $40 here. and you wonder why people download?

i feel tired. i've been kinda grounded. made to stay home and rest for god knows what motherfucking reason. am going to malacca with the parents tomorrow for 2 days. great. can you feel me brimming with excitement? i'm so excited i'd probably get more of a kick out of hanging myself from my ceiling lamp with my bedsheets. and today was fucking boring. you cannot make me stay at home and do nothing. an idle mind is the devil's playground. if i have nothing to do, i feel fucking bored and fucking useless. and therefore i get edgy and moody and my mind starts wandering.

fuck it. i think the honeymoon period is wearing off. i was hoping tt i would be gone by then. at least then we can go straight from "lalaland" period to "i-miss-you-like-hell-coz-you're-not-around" period, both of which are nice and fluffy and stuff right out of fairytales. pretty pretty.

but no. i'm currently in the "fuck-it-i'm-feeling-dependent-and-i'm-more-affected-by-the-fact-tt-i'm-supposed-to-be-spending-more-time-with-him-right-now-but-i'm-just-not" stage. argh. i hate waiting around for things to happen. i feel like i'm the supporting cast in his play right now, and maybe i am tt self-centred bitch, but i don't want to be anyone's supporting cast. i want to be my own lead, have my own show, run my own life. i don't want to be a half of some whole. i don't want to be tied down.

i was seriously considering giving him this blog address (surprise surprise. no he doesn't know of it yet), but i've currently got 2nd thoughts. haha... so how do you tell him tt? "it's not him per se. it's you." hahahahaha. what a fucking cliche. but it's true. i'm the commitment-phobic here. i don't want to be dependent on anyone. i don't want to live my life feeling like i need to be someone else's supporting cast. i don't want to have to go through time with the mentality tt i have to be committed to one person only. it's like going to a restaurant with 1000 dishes, but knowing tt you've already ordered yours.

but i am becoming a dependent. and it's irritaing the fuck out of me. i hate having to feel incomplete. i hate having to wait around for a message or a call or keep wondering. i intended to play around on my exchange programme. tt's why i ensured tt all strings were cut before i was to embark on this thing. how the fuck did i decide to go duct tape myself to someone so fast so soon within so short a time span???

and you know what the best thing is? i know he makes me happy. i know he loves me. i know tt he's already made and will continue to make a lot of sacrifices to make me happy. and i know tt what i am feeling now is just a moment of self-doubt tt will probably vanish (and reappaear) sometime soon, esp if i see him again.

but i've also realised tt because of the apprehension with which i am approaching this, i don't think i actually really committed. i think i love him. i try to make him happy. but i don't want to be tied down.

i really don't know what the fuck to make out of myself now.

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P.S. and no. i'm not blogging about the presidential elections. what fucking elections? don't tell me tt we have an elected president coz when they announced on the news tt narthan won the elections... by walkover, i snorted. welcome to singapore.