Wednesday, August 10, 2005
gravity
yeah. this is my don't-know-how-manyeth-post of the day. this is why i cannot stay at home. coz when my fingers get itchy and i run out of shows to watch on tv, i blog.
and yes. i've changed the template to this loud crass ugly orange in-your-face thingy, to accomodate my pictures without me having to reformat everything and to avoid screwing the paragraphing.
didn't pack my room after all. bed looked too inviting. 2 minutes became 2 hours. so goodbye room-packing.
woke up groggy-eyed to a message from johnny, very succinctly put: "you left already?"
no. haven't left yet. leaving august 25th. will be putting up flight details when i get them.
but then i started thinking... essentially i didn't think anyone was going to come send me off. people telling me tt they want to is very very moving to me. i didn't, and don't think i matter tt much. nor tt i should. i feel overwhelmed.
and then i started thinking of how it's gonna be at the airport. and having to see everyone who matters to me. i will be gone for 1 year. and oh gosh. i think at this rate i'm going to embarass myself at the airport like this...
and i want everyone to be there. it's a stretch coz it's going to be a distance and an ungodly time, and i don't expect anyone to drop all their plans just to see me walk through some glass door (to immigration, not literally). but i would like to see everyone one last time before i go. my babes, my girls, the friends who matter, my brothers, my cousins...
and he says he'll be there too. he, whom my parents don't know about. whom i still don't know how to tell my father about. he won't be able to talk to me. he won't be able to hug me one last time. he says he'll be watching me from afar. i want to tell him not to come. i think tt knowing tt he's there, but not being able to see him, talk to him, hear him, touch him, it's going to tear me apart. more than if he weren't even physically there.
"Cos I can't help crying
And I won't look down..."
i promised myself i wouldn't think about the future now. i promised myself i would just continue living everyday as per normal, doing what i need to do, meeting up with whoever i need to meet, now while i can.
my father asked me tonight, if i really was excited to go to canada. i guess he can tell i'm not exactly jumping for joy.
yes. i'm looking forward to it. i'm looking forward to my 1-year holiday from nus law school. i'm looking forward to the cold climate, the gorgeous scenery. i'm looking forward to a culture of friendly and laid-back people, of diversity in thinking and action, of a different-world charm tt i will never experience here. i'm looking forward to pubbing and clubbing and running and snowboarding and playing around and just doing all the things tt i cannot do here.
but no. i'm not looking forward to leaving all the people behind. for one year. of the phone calls and meetings i can no longer make. of the dispersal of the mambo whores. no bitching with sam jane wanyi in 508. no jane to run with. no melissa to gym with and to msn and talk to forever and ever. no geok and wendy to talk cock with. no teammates to train with race with make a fool of ourselves with and to get drunk with. no chris to talk about life and our philosophies of it with. no james no francis no johnny no sk no one to meet up over coffee and tcc with. no jo and dee to totally traumatise over family outings and more than tt. no mom to cook me my fave cabbage soup with homemade mushroom and fish balls and fish maw and sea cucumber. no dad to have late-night 1 hour chats over life and our attitudes towards it, and no further chances to buy my parents dinner or to take them to nice places anymore. and no andy to see, to talk to, to hug and kiss, to make me laugh till i feel like i'm going to get an asthma attack, to talk to and listen to about work and the future and the way we see and think and feel about so many things, to share the same kind of music and movies and food with, who'll see me home regardless of whether i'm sobre or drunk and no matter how early or how late it is. who'll let me be whoever i want to be and just be there for me 100%, whether i'm being the assertive bitch slamming original girls in front of him and telling him how pissed off i am with people and the government and the world in general, or whether i'm tired and vulnerable and upset and just want to let go and lose control and stop being strong for one long long moment.
"gravity"
- by embrace
Honey
It's been a long time coming
And I can't stop now
Such a long time running
And I can't stop now
Do you hear my heart beating?
Can you hear the sound?
Cos I can't help thinking
And I don't look down...
And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh the way that gravity turns for you and me
And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun
And the way that gravity pulls on everyone
On everyone...
Baby its been a long time waiting
Such a long long time
And I can't stop smiling
No I can't stop now
Do you hear my heart beating?
Oh can you hear that sound?
Cos I can't help crying
And I won't look down...
And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh the way that gravity turns on you and me
And then I looked up at the sun and saw the sky
And the way that gravity pulls on you and I
On you and I
now playing: hotel costes - cafe de flor
and yes. i've changed the template to this loud crass ugly orange in-your-face thingy, to accomodate my pictures without me having to reformat everything and to avoid screwing the paragraphing.
didn't pack my room after all. bed looked too inviting. 2 minutes became 2 hours. so goodbye room-packing.
woke up groggy-eyed to a message from johnny, very succinctly put: "you left already?"
no. haven't left yet. leaving august 25th. will be putting up flight details when i get them.
but then i started thinking... essentially i didn't think anyone was going to come send me off. people telling me tt they want to is very very moving to me. i didn't, and don't think i matter tt much. nor tt i should. i feel overwhelmed.
and then i started thinking of how it's gonna be at the airport. and having to see everyone who matters to me. i will be gone for 1 year. and oh gosh. i think at this rate i'm going to embarass myself at the airport like this...
and i want everyone to be there. it's a stretch coz it's going to be a distance and an ungodly time, and i don't expect anyone to drop all their plans just to see me walk through some glass door (to immigration, not literally). but i would like to see everyone one last time before i go. my babes, my girls, the friends who matter, my brothers, my cousins...
and he says he'll be there too. he, whom my parents don't know about. whom i still don't know how to tell my father about. he won't be able to talk to me. he won't be able to hug me one last time. he says he'll be watching me from afar. i want to tell him not to come. i think tt knowing tt he's there, but not being able to see him, talk to him, hear him, touch him, it's going to tear me apart. more than if he weren't even physically there.
"Cos I can't help crying
And I won't look down..."
i promised myself i wouldn't think about the future now. i promised myself i would just continue living everyday as per normal, doing what i need to do, meeting up with whoever i need to meet, now while i can.
my father asked me tonight, if i really was excited to go to canada. i guess he can tell i'm not exactly jumping for joy.
yes. i'm looking forward to it. i'm looking forward to my 1-year holiday from nus law school. i'm looking forward to the cold climate, the gorgeous scenery. i'm looking forward to a culture of friendly and laid-back people, of diversity in thinking and action, of a different-world charm tt i will never experience here. i'm looking forward to pubbing and clubbing and running and snowboarding and playing around and just doing all the things tt i cannot do here.
but no. i'm not looking forward to leaving all the people behind. for one year. of the phone calls and meetings i can no longer make. of the dispersal of the mambo whores. no bitching with sam jane wanyi in 508. no jane to run with. no melissa to gym with and to msn and talk to forever and ever. no geok and wendy to talk cock with. no teammates to train with race with make a fool of ourselves with and to get drunk with. no chris to talk about life and our philosophies of it with. no james no francis no johnny no sk no one to meet up over coffee and tcc with. no jo and dee to totally traumatise over family outings and more than tt. no mom to cook me my fave cabbage soup with homemade mushroom and fish balls and fish maw and sea cucumber. no dad to have late-night 1 hour chats over life and our attitudes towards it, and no further chances to buy my parents dinner or to take them to nice places anymore. and no andy to see, to talk to, to hug and kiss, to make me laugh till i feel like i'm going to get an asthma attack, to talk to and listen to about work and the future and the way we see and think and feel about so many things, to share the same kind of music and movies and food with, who'll see me home regardless of whether i'm sobre or drunk and no matter how early or how late it is. who'll let me be whoever i want to be and just be there for me 100%, whether i'm being the assertive bitch slamming original girls in front of him and telling him how pissed off i am with people and the government and the world in general, or whether i'm tired and vulnerable and upset and just want to let go and lose control and stop being strong for one long long moment.
"gravity"
- by embrace
Honey
It's been a long time coming
And I can't stop now
Such a long time running
And I can't stop now
Do you hear my heart beating?
Can you hear the sound?
Cos I can't help thinking
And I don't look down...
And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh the way that gravity turns for you and me
And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun
And the way that gravity pulls on everyone
On everyone...
Baby its been a long time waiting
Such a long long time
And I can't stop smiling
No I can't stop now
Do you hear my heart beating?
Oh can you hear that sound?
Cos I can't help crying
And I won't look down...
And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh the way that gravity turns on you and me
And then I looked up at the sun and saw the sky
And the way that gravity pulls on you and I
On you and I
# posted by Kitana @ 8/10/2005 12:44:00 AM 
