Tuesday, September 20, 2005
i like to run alone. always have. always will. even now. i turn down the offers to run with people. i guess i would run with jane or melissa, but no one else.
it's cold when i put on my shoes. for the hell of it, i wear a training tee in 15 degree weather. the cold bites into my skin, but i know tt once my feet hit the pavement the cold will burn away.
plug my headphones into my ears. my world. where i voluntarily choose solitude. my feet pound the gravel and i hear the crunch of loose stones, but it sounds distant to my ears. my heart pounds, but it's drowned out by the music in my ears. i play reggaeton to lose myself amidst crazy pounding beats and nonsense lyrics and dancing and fucking. but it doesn't matter to me. the beat regulates my rhythm. i can stop thinking and run.
or i can choose to change songs. change to the songs tt mean more to me. songs tt tap into my emotions. songs tt make me remember. like nights with you, or certain places, or certain memories. it's emotional and irrational. and i know pavil scoffs at emotion. he believes in moving on.
but it's what makes us human.
the trees are turning red and brown and gold. the cold wind rustles brown maple leaves to the ground where they lie scattered, as my feet mercilessly crush through them as i go on my way. pieces of the past, pieces of life, tt lie abandoned and forgotten on the road. like discarded memories.
i run to the beachfront again. spanish west & locarno beach. i need to see the space. i need to see the ocean and the mountains and the world tt seems so alien and yet so home-like to me.
the sunlight dances on the water. my legs ache again and my breath comes hard and fast from the tiredness. but i press on. i miss you. and i think. and i feel so sorry. you were the optimistic one when i had the doubts and the second thoughts. you promised me tt you would be fine for 1 year. you told me to be happy. and when i call you, i hear the tiredness in your voice. i know tt you've thrown yourself into your work again, i know tt you've become withdrawn, i know tt you're burning out.
i miss you like an emptiness in my heart and a presence in my mind, but i'm the lucky one, because i have things to do and people to meet and life is an adventure for me here. but i've left you behind. for you, life is what it always was, but just with an additional hole in it where i'm no longer there.
and i feel bad. i realise tt you knew all this when you told me tt everything would be all right. but you pretended tt it would all be fine because you didn't want me to give up on us and you didn't want me to worry. and i'm having a good time here and you're bearing the brunt of it.
you love me too much. and i know tt i am the lucky one. lucky to have found someone like you. more than i deserve. someone who taught me how to love again, how good it feels to give again, how it's like to be treated like a princess. january keeps you strong for me, and january is when i can stop seeing you in my mind in my memories and be in your arms again.
now playing: hotel costes - cafe de flor
it's cold when i put on my shoes. for the hell of it, i wear a training tee in 15 degree weather. the cold bites into my skin, but i know tt once my feet hit the pavement the cold will burn away.
plug my headphones into my ears. my world. where i voluntarily choose solitude. my feet pound the gravel and i hear the crunch of loose stones, but it sounds distant to my ears. my heart pounds, but it's drowned out by the music in my ears. i play reggaeton to lose myself amidst crazy pounding beats and nonsense lyrics and dancing and fucking. but it doesn't matter to me. the beat regulates my rhythm. i can stop thinking and run.
or i can choose to change songs. change to the songs tt mean more to me. songs tt tap into my emotions. songs tt make me remember. like nights with you, or certain places, or certain memories. it's emotional and irrational. and i know pavil scoffs at emotion. he believes in moving on.
but it's what makes us human.
the trees are turning red and brown and gold. the cold wind rustles brown maple leaves to the ground where they lie scattered, as my feet mercilessly crush through them as i go on my way. pieces of the past, pieces of life, tt lie abandoned and forgotten on the road. like discarded memories.
i run to the beachfront again. spanish west & locarno beach. i need to see the space. i need to see the ocean and the mountains and the world tt seems so alien and yet so home-like to me.
the sunlight dances on the water. my legs ache again and my breath comes hard and fast from the tiredness. but i press on. i miss you. and i think. and i feel so sorry. you were the optimistic one when i had the doubts and the second thoughts. you promised me tt you would be fine for 1 year. you told me to be happy. and when i call you, i hear the tiredness in your voice. i know tt you've thrown yourself into your work again, i know tt you've become withdrawn, i know tt you're burning out.
i miss you like an emptiness in my heart and a presence in my mind, but i'm the lucky one, because i have things to do and people to meet and life is an adventure for me here. but i've left you behind. for you, life is what it always was, but just with an additional hole in it where i'm no longer there.
and i feel bad. i realise tt you knew all this when you told me tt everything would be all right. but you pretended tt it would all be fine because you didn't want me to give up on us and you didn't want me to worry. and i'm having a good time here and you're bearing the brunt of it.
you love me too much. and i know tt i am the lucky one. lucky to have found someone like you. more than i deserve. someone who taught me how to love again, how good it feels to give again, how it's like to be treated like a princess. january keeps you strong for me, and january is when i can stop seeing you in my mind in my memories and be in your arms again.
# posted by Kitana @ 9/20/2005 02:19:00 PM 
