absolutum dominium

today was fucking cold can?

wah lau eh. wake up this morning coz the goddamn wind was howling outside my window. checked the weather report: 6 degrees celcius outside with winds of 40km/h! and add tt to the fact tt it was dark (cloudy) and raining!

so in the end - skipped class. both of them to be exact. didn't bother going for a run. even the walk from my room to the caf for food (yes, my one big aim in life is to eat!) was so fucking cold. my god!

and i ate too much for lunch. basket. had a battered chicken burger with onion rings (the onion rings here are damn nice can??? big and thick and white slices with crispy flour!), an ice-cream root beer float, and a cheesecake. for lunch.

but later basket. got indigestion. stupid greedy gluttonous me. bleah.

anyway i was supposed to study for my psychology mid-term tomorrow. didn't start till this morning. worst of all - i've 3 chapters to study on the brain processes, the 5 senses and learning and memory... and i've only finished 1. wtf wtf wtf. instead, this afternoon i got distracted... started surfing the web for useless info - like spoilers for cycle 5 of america's next top model. yeah, we're 1 season ahead of singapore. ooh there's this girl called lisa on the show and i like her! and we've even got a butch called kim who wants to be a model. i'm like HUH? why would a pink wannabe wanna be a model?

but yeah. totally wasted my afternoon. even went back to my bloody paper instead of studying. currently at 12, 066 words. WITHOUT footnotes can? i'm like wtf wtf wtf?! i feel like i'm writing some grand thesis. my god. anyway i downloaded some music off the pulp fiction and kill bill soundtracks so i have funky music to accompany me while i trudge through the dreary psuedo-biology chapters!

ugh. for some reason i really really really hope my baby comes up in jan. i know tt i tell him it's ok if he doesn't come up coz i don't think i will literally die... but sigh. i don't think i'll be fully alive/content/happy if he does not. sigh. the vicissitudes of life, and thus they play this role. bah.

but at least he's not acting like he doesn't want to talk or see me or anything anymore. ok. he's not happy, understandably so, and he doesn't want to talk, understandably so, and... and... argh goddamit it's like a double-edged sword talking to him coz on one hand i miss talking to him so much i have to, but on the other hand it's like... ok, you don't really wanna talk. tt's fine then. SIGH.

anyway everytime he says he's going to call back, he never fucking does. i guess i have to get used to empty promises.

fuck i hate myself. i am turning into a goddamn dependent-on-guy-for-state-of-mind bloody useless weak original girl. i should go stab my foot with a carving knife. maybe the pain will send some sharp message about strength independence and self-resolve into my messed up head. god.

on the upside, had dinner and watched the oc with the singaporeans over a tub of ben and jerry's. i love this whole communal thing. we meet for dinner at the round tables and just hang out. it's so family like. my overseas family. and at the same time i get a lot of my own space. i realise i don't have many friends and i don't get close to people, be it in singapore and here, but somehow, i've come to accept tt i like being an independent entity. i need space. lots of it.

but anyway i know also it's the exam period for nus students. so all the best for tt you guys! ugh. all tt mugging in yih. i hate to say this, but i really miss mugging in yih and as wendy puts it, "pretending to study".

babe! i got study what! just because i blog every hour, i type my legal notes with 1 window on my laptop while mtv plays live in the other window, and i take at least 4 super long breaks to eat every day tt i study... doesn't mean i don't study what!

man. i miss my girls. walking to yih at 10am in the morning and seeing yunshan faithfully mugging and utterly putting me to shame; ah ping buying up all the pandan waffles from the yih coffee auntie to satisfy everyone's waffle cravings; us dominating the yih table(s) and glaring at anyone who dares encroach upon our exclusive property (except for tt late night where the prc came in and i was utterly appalled - he had no respect for space, he couldn't talk without announcing to the world what he was trying to say, and worst of all, he had really bad breath); the giggling and whispered talking in-between periods of pretend-concentration and the msning even though we're just opposite each other to gossip (esp about the other people around us, like the strange yih-dweller who perpetually looks like he's watching porn on his laptop); the communal lunches and dinners at the yih canteen with the really bad food tt we'll keep whining about but eat anyway... and i still rem the day tt cindy and jul bought me waffle from sci-ence coz they knew i had this crazy waffle obsessions, and tt was the day i ate 4 waffles in 1 day. but the waffle was a really sweet gesture and it was one of the many things tt i never forget.

:) i miss yih coz my girls are all there.

anyway i'm irritated now coz all the washers have been taken by inconsiderate people who refuse to come down to get their damn clothes out of the washer so i can't put mine in. kanina stupid selfish people!!! argh! tmd now gotta wake up early tomorrow to do laundry. and yar. try to study. bleah.

hate. studying.

p.s. forgive excessive amount of swear words. said words have been building in my system for days. this entry is one of my most cathartic to date.