absolutum dominium

i haven't had muscular aches ever since dragonboating season ended for me almost half a year ago. i rem the having to roll out of bed every morning after intense rowing sessions coz my deltoids, triceps, biceps, lats and back muscles were killing me.

well. snowboarding is like an intense rowing session + mona's infamous business stairs circuits. coz in addition to the upper body muscles tt are killing me (i can't reach behind me right now coz my arms and back are fucking SORE!!!), probably from having to carry my snowboard around everywhere for the past 3 days; my legs are killing me too. and by legs i mean quads, calves, the outer shins, the outer thighs and even my inner thighs! imagine tt! even with all the running and stairwork, i've NEVER had achy inner thighs before! ugh. so you can imagine. right now stairs-climbing is a KILLER. hell, even bending my legs to pick up something or to wear/take off my boots and socks is like ggggaaaaarrrrggggghhhhh!!! and i don't even know where the muscular aches end and the aches from bruising begin. this is coz in addition to my aching muscles, my knees are two giant bruises. and they hurt. so does my butt (i'm not sure if it's muscles or bruising right now. maybe it's both). fortunately, because i have a tendency to land squarely on my lower left butt cheek (and i have a generous butt to land on to begin with), i can sit down without any discomfort if i sit up straight. unfortunately, because i happened to land on tt one spot again and again and again for the past few days, my butt is ALSO one big giant bruise. and it does feel fucking sore too. gggaaarrrrrggggghhh.

this means no stairmaster, no running, no weight training, and therefore no exercise for the next WEEK or so. at least until the aches recede. oh my leg. i can't move it without my inner thigh and quad protesting at least. BLEAH.

but tt said, today was productive. panic is a good motivator. i managed to finish studying what i had to study for tomorrow's psychology final. now, all i hope is tt i can REMEMBER all the stuff tt i force-fed my brain today. i guess it was in no small part due to the fact tt i finally joined diana, anne, charlene and ben at koerner library today. i need to do tt more often. good for my studying well-being.

coz i think i am so dead for my papers. and i don't have any sense of urgency, which makes it fucking WORSE!!!

interestingly, ben asked me if it was true tt i was going to join the force after i graduate. he told me tt paul had told him tt (why on EARTH does everyone in law school seem to know about this???), and he was amazingly interested in my reasons for signing on. i gave him the usual "äction and non-9-to-5" reason tt i usually give everyone else who asks me tt question coz no one presses me further and i don't need to elaborate. plus i usually don't think anyone asks out of genuine interest rather than as a conversation point, and i enjoy satisfying the general preconception of myself because i'm too lazy to take the trouble to explain the full complexities of my motivation.

but it seemed tt answer didn't really satisfy him much. he asked me what i would do if he were to come to me and tell me tt he had a friend whose case i was on in trouble with the law, and he was pleading with me not to charge the guy.

the first thing - person - that came to mind was you. and i told him what you have and would do. the thing about black-letter law is tt it is all in black and white and there is nothing tt you can do about it. and if you have done wrong and something against the law and you know it, you have to do your time or turn yourself in. but at the same time, things can be done in terms of procedure, in terms of dealings, etc. and i told him about how you have handled past cases. how you have friends whom were people tt you'd personally convicted, but have become your friends upon their release because of the way tt you treated them in handling their arrest, their charging, etc. like we both agreed before, police work isn't about paper and cases and files. it's about people. people who live, breathe, think, have feelings, have families, have lives. and all this has to be taken into consideration. because it goes far beyond just chasing the crooks, nailing the baddies, and getting the badge of honour.

black isn't always black and white isn't always white. there is no such thing as baddies and crooks and criminals, and for tt reason i innately despise people who tend to define things and people into such categories (here's a free admittance of my bias, just in case i have not been treating you too kindly. now you know why. and yes, george bush happens to fall into such a category too). tt's also why i told ben tt law was my back-up. because no matter what i think, i know i am being too fucking idealistic for my own good.

i realise tt no matter what has happened so far, you are still the cop tt i admire and respect the most, the one i want to emulate in terms of work ethic and life philosophy. and at the same time, although you can work the way you do, i may not be able to have the same kind of freedom because i might have an image to conform to and a reputation to upkeep. and my greatest fear about my career is tt i might not be able to really achieve what i want to and end up as just another product of the system. in which case, it would be better for me to bail than to lose my faith.

but tt being said, apparently ben had a friend who needed advice. it's yet another example of how the law tends to be too biased towards women. like the statutory rape laws tt protect so-called "innocent" underaged girls. granted, it was instituted to protect the silly ones who get conned by the older guys who get thrills out of fucking virgins, but increasingly, it's obvious tt singaporean girls are no longer as "innocent" as they come. a number of cases of statutory rape are consensual, and many initiated by the "innocent little flowers" themselves. it's a fucked up situation, and my personal opinion is tt certain cases, especially of this manner, should just be judged on an individual rather than a blanket basis.

ben told me tt i wasn't what he expected. i said tt i didn't believe tt cops should all be the tuck-in shirt/go-by-the-book prototypes. sure, you'd def have more of your fair share of those around, but i've always felt tt the movers and shakers are the one who are different. like you, of course. so different tt your own mom has mistaken you for an ah long, a pimp and an illegal vcd vendor (well. we seem to have a lot of those going around, now don't we? ;) ) and even ben agreed. said tt people have a lot of misconceptions about him too. most don't believe tt he's in law. hell, tt he's even studying. why? because he doesn't look it.

tt's why first impressions are so deceiving. :)

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and i miss you, still. i remember you fondly. and you were right. for all tt short time tt we were together, you made a big enough impact on my life to last. sometimes i wish i could go back to singapore right now, just so tt i could see you again and give you one big hug. it doesn't matter if we're friends or more than tt. you'll always be important to me.

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...but enough blogging-catharsis for tonight. back to my paper.

i'm looking forward to new york after my exams. lionel's agreed to put me up! YAY! i am so grateful. :)