absolutum dominium

yeah, it's supposed to be chinese new year day 1 here, but i'm not doing a chinese new year posting. not right now at least.

i intended to. you know, wish you guys happy chinese new year, hope you're having fun in sg and all tt. and i intended to post up the entry abt my reunion dinner with the s'poreans last night plus the photos and all tt. but not right now, coz firstly i don't have the photos, and secondly i'm not in the mood.

was supposed to go to grouse mountain with them today, but my body clock is so screwed up tt i woke up at 11.50am, after kelvin called me. and i'd set my alarm clock for 9.30am, but i don't even remember hearing it go off.

argh. another reason to be pissed off with myself. i hate making people wait.

but anyway i guess the mood is just pretty bad now. interestingly, last night i was chatting with esther and christabel, and esther was commenting on the downsides to being female - i.e. tt time of the month. when you get really bad cramps or very bad mood swings.

i said tt i was lucky. i don't get cramps unless i do something like run without eating or drinking too cold water or things along those lines during tt time of the month, which is usually avoidable, and i don't get really bad mood swings.

but i left out the fact tt i do get really emotionally unstable around this time.

i never really realised it. i used to think pms was just some bitchy phase tt other women went through. some excuse for them to be mean to other people.

i thought tt i was better than tt, stronger than tt. to me, emotions is a state of mind. you feel what you think you will feel. therefore as much as possible, i try to think myself into a state of equilibrium. i'm not a naturally happy or carefree person (i envy people who are), but i try not to be too dark or too moody or too angry all the time.

but fact is, during this time of the month, i AM significantly more emotionall unstable. i didn't realise it before coz unlike things like headaches or cramps, you don't feel physically different or uncomfortable. it's just tt you're a lot more sensitive emotionally. right now, everything just seems to bother you. things tt usually wouldn't be an issue to you before become a huge huge thing to you now.

this is the time where i get upset more easily, more significantly, and for a longer period. i guess tt's why i've been more affected and i find it more difficult to snap out of it, the way i otherwise would. this is the time where i just hate myself. usually, i can just accept who and what i am, albeit with a good dose of self-deprecating humour. but this is the time where i just feel really really ugly, really really fat, really really loserly, graceless, charmless, and friendless. this is the time where i feel really awkward and left out and i just want to be alone coz i seem to have lost all of my social interaction skills, and yet the moment i am alone i start feeling utterly miserable because i feel like i have no friends.

so yeah. i hate feeling emotionally unstable and ugly and friendless.

the good thing about this, is tt knowing tt my current emotional state is hormonally-induced, i know tt there's nothing inherently wrong with me, and as long as i can ride out the next few days keeping myself busy, i'll be back to normal.

but on the downside, i fucking HATE feeling like this.

i really really do.

oh, the curse of womanhood.

i've never had issues with being female, but yeah. sometimes i just wish i had such a reduced emotional span tt i can not feel all the downs as sharply as i do the ups.

but oh well. can't argue with God, now can i? ;)

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't? It's important to you that your lover is very attractive. You like to have someone to show off. In fights, you speak your mind and don't hold back. You know you're right, and you can get quite angry about it. Break-ups can be painful for you, but you never show it. You hold your head high.