absolutum dominium

everytime people ask me how i am doing, i tell them tt i am good. and yes, to a large extent, i *am* good. things are going pretty great. i love my life on exchange, barring the gloomy rain and weight issues. i have come to become accustomed to vancouver life. i never fail to appreciate all the chances i have here, to experience cold weather for once, to see mountains for once, the have the opportunities to do things like snowboard, or to travel to exotic places like mexico, or to catch once-in-a-lifetime concerts like coldplay.

i cannot complain. i cannot say tt life sucks. yes there are the downsides of missing home and the familiar. of missing the comforts of home and the familiar foods like chilli, especially during chinese new year where there is no bak kwa, pineapple tarts and kueh lapis. of missing good friends like the mambo whores, and my girls, and my brother, and everyone tt i can just hang with and talk to late into the night about anything and everything under the stars.

but for all these, there are the upsides. all the opportunities tt God has given to me, tt i am blessed enough to be able to experience. all the lessons to be learnt, the emotional spectrum to get through, the stress and the ups and the downs to teach me and mould me into what i hope will be a person worth knowing and worth being.

and besides all the things i've seen, tried, done, more importantly, the new people who have come into my life. and the friends tt i have made along the way. like the people tt i have come to know from last sem's exchange students to this sem's exchange students. the law students tt i would never have spoken to or come to like, like sandra and vanessa and yunsong, if not for being here in ubc. or people like ben and diana who have made this sem a lot more fun and more upbeat than last sem, even if we spend so much of our time together arguing law and politics.

but it makes me happy, and thankful, to have the company tt i have.

yet as i was talking to my bro tonight, i told him everything tt i never told anyone else. to everyone else, i'd tell them i was doing great. even on this blog, i always make it seem like i'm doing great. i don't include the other side of the coin. the side tt bothers me.

i told tt to chris. i told him about the phone call and the resentment i could feel from the other side. how much more it affected me than it should have. the fears and the dangers tt i had put myself through; i am very very lucky considering what has had transpired, and there are some mistakes tt i just cannot afford to make. and then i told him about the confusion i felt about people and myself.

in spite of everything tt i say, a part of me still wants permanence. i hate being objectified or just passed over. i still want to be loved, still want someone to go home to. someone who can just accept me and value me for who i am, even the ugly bits, the less-than-ideal bits, the bits tt i am less than proud of, but tt are so inherently a part of me tt i can't hardly change anymore, i guess.

once again, if i don't say it often enough, thanks for being here for me, and thanks for listening to me, and for telling me what i need (and not just want) to hear. if not you, then who?

and my current fave coldplay song. coldplay will be on my playlist for quite a while, even if their songs do nothing for my mood right now.

TALK
- by Coldplay

oh brother i can't, i can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you cos i don't know what to do
oh brother i can't believe its true
i'm so scared about the future and i want to talk to you
oh i want to talk to you

you can take a picture of something you see
in the future where will i be?
you could climb a ladder up to the sun
or write a song nobody had sung
or do something that's never been done

are you lost or incomplete
do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece
tell me how you feel
well i feel like they're talking in a language i don't speak
and they're talking it to me

so you take a picture of something you see
in the future where will i be?
you could climb a ladder up to the sun
or write a song nobody had sung
or do something that's never been done
do something that's never been done

so you dont know where you're going but you wanna talk
but you feel like your going where you've been before
you'll tell anyone who'll listen that you've feel ignored
nothings really making any sense at all
lets talk
lets talk

lets talk
lets talk