Wednesday, January 25, 2006
"international affair"
"you can take me there
it's all right, i'll go anywhere
ohhh, we're off to San Jose
then we'll see you and me back down to J-A"
all day, all night.
lazy tuesday morning. it's sunny and 9 degrees. gonna head out for my first run in a long long long long time now. fuck i am seriously fat now. i have no waistline. FUCK. makes me feel like a goddamn slug. i am PRAYING tt spring will come ASAP coz winter and grey and rain fucking SUCKS the life out of me.
anyway i finally did my laundry. i just need to vacuum my room now. need vacuum... can't find it. ARGH. KNN. but besides the sterile frustration, i'm good. called him last night. well, not tt it came off the top of my head, but more like had been trying to get him before, but forgot tt he was on leave. yeesh talk abt despo stalkerism. the only good thing is tt it's gone past pride. i realise tt i don't really care now. in the past, pride used to be the cornerstone (oops. plaguarism here) of my existence, but i guess after a while you just wonder what the whole big fuss is about. it just doesn't matter, just doesn't figure in anymore.
not to say tt i'm shameless or have no pride left. it's just tt it's easier to let go now than it was before. or maybe it could just be coz i've got other things to think about. i don't know. is 2 months considered too short to recover, or too long? someone apologized when i said tt we were over 2 months ago, and i was surprised. i think i'd been more or less over him since december. but at the same time there is a measure of guilt... it's like for all the feelings tt were there, it's like i managed to fuck everythign too quickly.
but then again i'd always been no angel. done a lot of things tt i shouldn't have done, at least not while i was attached. now, it doesn't matter any more now does it? it's not like i want another person in my life right now. call me selfish but tt's the last thing i want. i don't have any inclination, desire or interest in feeling anything for anyone above and beyond chemisty. i don't want any feelings of care and concern, neither from me to someone or from someone to me. i don't want complication. i don't want to lose emotional control again.
i guess one of the reasons why i find it so easy to be friends with guys, is coz i don't believe tt whole adage tt guys and girls can never truly be friends. i don't believe tt. as long as you're not looking for affection, even sub-consciously, it'll never be more than just plain friendship. and i like tt. i like the simplicity of normal friendship, like between my bro and me. emotional and physical comfort, a reassurance tt we'll always be there for each other, but nothing more. i don't believe tt sexual love is dirty, but at the same time i am glad tt there is no taint on simple friendship.
i know tt some people like all their friends to mix and meet. so tt everyone is part of one big circle. like how they intro their other halves to their friends, their family, and all their friends know and hang out with each other. me? maybe i'm unhealthy. i don't like doing tt. i like keeping people apart until they've formed my inner circle; tt closer group of people tt i know i will want to intro to everyone else. for one thing, it won't be great if something goes wrong - i.e. if you break up with your other half and heaven forbid, your friends think tt you're in the wrong and you get all this unnecessary emotional blackmail. thank god tt's never happened to me, but i've seen it happen to enough people to know tt idealism with regards to friendship is not a safe idea.
on the other hand, compartmentalising my relationships keep things simple for me. i guess friends who know me better know tt i can behave with varying degrees of attitude when around different people. when among my girlfriends, i talk about the stuff tt we usually do, like about each other, gossip, phuture, ben and jerry's etc. when among teammates, we talk about training, torture and food. and i get to behave 15 years younger than i otherwise would. and when with specific people, i can talk philosophy, emotions, politics, depending on where my mood takes me. the thing is tt my friends come from such diverse backgrounds and are of such diverse personalities. we all manage to click on one level or other, but it's easier for me to behave certain ways around certain people than one way around everyone. and at the same time, no one can say tt i'm not being myself around any one or every group, because every part tt i show IS a part of my self, just at varying times and under varying circumstances.
another reason why i compartmentalise, is because it's emotionally easier. friends are friends. i will never cross the boundaries ever again. it's a lot easier and a lot less traumatising tt way. and it keeps things simple and every one happy. plus, i don't need love. not right now. maybe unconsciously, i am lonely. maybe i do need affection. maybe these entire few months i have just been deluding myself tt i am over him and tt i have not actually moved on. but i don't want the complications of a relationship. especially not when everything is so uncertain and so temporal.
not even with a really hot cbc. ;) anyway i think the whites are cuter. some of them at least. esp if they're frat boys. okay i admit. i have a thing for frat boys. shh. ;)
k. gotta go run now else i will be late for my class later. adios.
now playing: hotel costes - cafe de flor
it's all right, i'll go anywhere
ohhh, we're off to San Jose
then we'll see you and me back down to J-A"
all day, all night.
lazy tuesday morning. it's sunny and 9 degrees. gonna head out for my first run in a long long long long time now. fuck i am seriously fat now. i have no waistline. FUCK. makes me feel like a goddamn slug. i am PRAYING tt spring will come ASAP coz winter and grey and rain fucking SUCKS the life out of me.
anyway i finally did my laundry. i just need to vacuum my room now. need vacuum... can't find it. ARGH. KNN. but besides the sterile frustration, i'm good. called him last night. well, not tt it came off the top of my head, but more like had been trying to get him before, but forgot tt he was on leave. yeesh talk abt despo stalkerism. the only good thing is tt it's gone past pride. i realise tt i don't really care now. in the past, pride used to be the cornerstone (oops. plaguarism here) of my existence, but i guess after a while you just wonder what the whole big fuss is about. it just doesn't matter, just doesn't figure in anymore.
not to say tt i'm shameless or have no pride left. it's just tt it's easier to let go now than it was before. or maybe it could just be coz i've got other things to think about. i don't know. is 2 months considered too short to recover, or too long? someone apologized when i said tt we were over 2 months ago, and i was surprised. i think i'd been more or less over him since december. but at the same time there is a measure of guilt... it's like for all the feelings tt were there, it's like i managed to fuck everythign too quickly.
but then again i'd always been no angel. done a lot of things tt i shouldn't have done, at least not while i was attached. now, it doesn't matter any more now does it? it's not like i want another person in my life right now. call me selfish but tt's the last thing i want. i don't have any inclination, desire or interest in feeling anything for anyone above and beyond chemisty. i don't want any feelings of care and concern, neither from me to someone or from someone to me. i don't want complication. i don't want to lose emotional control again.
i guess one of the reasons why i find it so easy to be friends with guys, is coz i don't believe tt whole adage tt guys and girls can never truly be friends. i don't believe tt. as long as you're not looking for affection, even sub-consciously, it'll never be more than just plain friendship. and i like tt. i like the simplicity of normal friendship, like between my bro and me. emotional and physical comfort, a reassurance tt we'll always be there for each other, but nothing more. i don't believe tt sexual love is dirty, but at the same time i am glad tt there is no taint on simple friendship.
i know tt some people like all their friends to mix and meet. so tt everyone is part of one big circle. like how they intro their other halves to their friends, their family, and all their friends know and hang out with each other. me? maybe i'm unhealthy. i don't like doing tt. i like keeping people apart until they've formed my inner circle; tt closer group of people tt i know i will want to intro to everyone else. for one thing, it won't be great if something goes wrong - i.e. if you break up with your other half and heaven forbid, your friends think tt you're in the wrong and you get all this unnecessary emotional blackmail. thank god tt's never happened to me, but i've seen it happen to enough people to know tt idealism with regards to friendship is not a safe idea.
on the other hand, compartmentalising my relationships keep things simple for me. i guess friends who know me better know tt i can behave with varying degrees of attitude when around different people. when among my girlfriends, i talk about the stuff tt we usually do, like about each other, gossip, phuture, ben and jerry's etc. when among teammates, we talk about training, torture and food. and i get to behave 15 years younger than i otherwise would. and when with specific people, i can talk philosophy, emotions, politics, depending on where my mood takes me. the thing is tt my friends come from such diverse backgrounds and are of such diverse personalities. we all manage to click on one level or other, but it's easier for me to behave certain ways around certain people than one way around everyone. and at the same time, no one can say tt i'm not being myself around any one or every group, because every part tt i show IS a part of my self, just at varying times and under varying circumstances.
another reason why i compartmentalise, is because it's emotionally easier. friends are friends. i will never cross the boundaries ever again. it's a lot easier and a lot less traumatising tt way. and it keeps things simple and every one happy. plus, i don't need love. not right now. maybe unconsciously, i am lonely. maybe i do need affection. maybe these entire few months i have just been deluding myself tt i am over him and tt i have not actually moved on. but i don't want the complications of a relationship. especially not when everything is so uncertain and so temporal.
not even with a really hot cbc. ;) anyway i think the whites are cuter. some of them at least. esp if they're frat boys. okay i admit. i have a thing for frat boys. shh. ;)
k. gotta go run now else i will be late for my class later. adios.
| Your Love Element Is Fire |
 In love, you are a true listener and totally present. For you, love is all about feeling more alive than you've ever felt. You attract others with your joy and passion. Your flirting style is defined by your strong ability to communicate. Fun and play are the cornerstones of your love life. And while your flame may burn too brightly, it's part of your appeal. You connect best with: Wood Avoid: Water You and another Fire element: will likely burn out quickly |
# posted by Kitana @ 1/25/2006 04:13:00 AM 
