absolutum dominium

it's 7.57am and i'm already up.

correction: i'd been up since... ok, officially since 7.15am.

reason being tt i'd turned in really really early at 11 pm last night, and as a result i couldn't sleep past this ungodly hour.

plus i was so fucking hungry tt even though i tried to ignore the call of my stomach to snooze in, food beckoned me all too eagerly. anyway who can turn down bacon and scrambled eggs on toast (okay, they didn't have anything i wanted today, like french toast or belgian waffles or buttermilk pancakes, so i had to toast my own bread) with butter and maple syrup? and the bulk cereal. i know ss was complaining tt canada only served "kiddie cereal" and not any of tt healthy stuff like granola and wheat tt he was used to in aussie. but to be honest i am perfectly *happy* with kiddie cereal. i'm neither hamster nor rabbit and i refused to eat either's food. besides, with all those *colours*, who can resist? and totem's got froot loops, apple squares, rice crispies and peanut butter puffs! yay! me is happy girl.

yar. ok. i'm cheap lah. easy to make me happy one.

add my fave hot chocolate, and i'm ready to go. except my class is only at 2.30pm. which is not a bad thing. i love the fact tt i can actually see the sun rise, and i'm a lucky girl, coz it's a rainless day. it's 3 degrees out, but the sun is actually shining. if i was a more sentimental fool, i swear the weather would bring tears to my eyes. oh, the sun. how much i missed you. :)

but anyway since i have quite a bit of time and its too early for me to launch into my homicide stuff (in fact, i think i shall risk my tutor's wrath and not post this week coz i just don't feel like it. wahahahaha.), i'll just put on jack johnson (i *lurve* jack johnson) and blog about one of the many issues tt my far-too-idle mind usually conjures up.

well, this one should be pretty relevant to most people (unless you're a narcisstic hermit, i suppose). it's about getting over it - breakups.

yeah yeah. unless you're incredibly lucky (or unfortunate, depending on how you look at it), you've probably gone through at least one break up in your life as it stands. and the thing abt break ups is tt it completely upsets the equilibrium, although it might be arguable less if *you're* the evil one initiating the break up. but then again relationships already upset the equilibrium (i.e. the shift to couplehood), so break ups force an adjustment back to the original (singleness) state, which most people tend to consider lesser than the couplehood state. so tt's tough.

ok ok i should not state it so emotionlessly. in fact, i shouldn't even attempt to define it. you've gone through it, you've gone through it. you should know what it's like and what it entails to you, and it might just mean different things to different people. so yeah. how we get over it.

note: this is not a self-help manual. maybe i might write one when i am sufficiently able to help myself, but until i attain some kind of nirvana, nope sorry. no friendly advice to dish out (in fact, when it comes to relationships, i apologize tt i *don't* dish out friendly advice to begin with. i don't tell people what they want to hear, i tell them what *i* think. and um. i'm a little bit cynical, so tt probably translates to the "your guy is an idiot. just tell him to fuck off and move on with your life" type advice tt i am dishing. it's not personal.) it's just certain observations tt we make abt people.

there are many ways to deal with a break up. or rather, different people have different ways of dealing with break ups. some people use rebound relationships to get over break ups. some use rebound sex. some distract themselves from the pain, and find other things in their lives to focus on to draw attnetion away, until the hurt finally dissipates over time. and some just don't get over it.

well. it doesn't matter which method you choose (okay, admittedly the last isn't a method per se). i think the important thing is tt you take responsiblity for your actions. i.e. for every course of action tt is taken, there are costs to be considered, and the main thing is whether you have taken these costs into consideration and have decided tt you are willing to go through them.

if you choose to get into another relationship after a break up, more often than not, it's just a rebound, and you're just using tt relationship to fill the emptiness and sense of loss left by the ex. in such cases, you have to be *clear* about the status of the relationship. don't fool yourself and say tt you've fallen in love when all you're looking for is the security net of having someone to look after you. be clear abt it. and you have to remember tt you run the risk of being hurt, and causing a lot of hurt to your unfortunate rebound partner, especially if he or she does not know tt he or she is only being used to fill tt lonely space in your heart. you have to prepared to accept responsiblity for your actions and accept tt you might hurt someone. in which case, why would you even want to hurt someone for your own selfish ends? sure, i know of rebounds which become legitimate relationships and where both are happy, but while this does happen, it doesn't happen all the time. so just be clear and don't fool yourself or the other party.

if you choose rebound sex, by all means go ahead, as long as once again, you know the risks associated with rebound sex. good thing about rebound sex is tt you get all the benefits of physical intimacy (and pleasure), but with absolutely no strings attached, so you avoid the emotional messiness and complications of a relationship as well. but it's all well and good, only if you are willing to bear the risks tt such an arrangement has. for one, there are still the threats of pregnancy or stds - so you have to use protection, and you have to be discerning about who you sleep with -, and there's the whole threat to the reputation - so you have to be willing to bear tt risk too - and lastly, there is the real danger tt what might start off as sex may become something more. i.e. the problem with most casual relationships is tt one party starts developing feelings for the other, but it's usually one-sided. and in such cases a lot more pain is involved. so only get into this if you think you have the fortitude to avoid the trap. or if you are willing to bear the consequences of falling into it.

to me, the absolute best way to get over someone, is to diy. do it yourself. no, not masturbation, moron. i'm talking being able to stand on your own two feet. and this doesn't mean resorting to excessive drinking or clubbing or drugs or whatever to help you get through. those do no make you cool or desirable. yeah, they are temporary solutions to the pain, but they don't help and usually just make things even WORSE for you long-term (speaking from personal experience here). i mean, if you really want to do stuff like tt, then by all means go ahead, but you have to take responsibility for your actions, once again. no one's going to be there for you when you fall. well, but when i say diy, i mean letting the cliche of time healing all wounds work for you, but since it's obviously almost impossible when you spend most of your waking time thinking about your ex, you need to help yourself along by distracting yourself. this means finding another purpose in your life, something meaningful tt will become more important than he or she was to you, something tt can really really arouse your passions again. this could be anything, like a kind of goal i.e. triathlon or biathlon; pushing to excel in your studies (if work is able to take tt kind of priority in your life), or family, or even other friends. family and friends always help because they form a support network for you and they are people tt you can turn to for advice or a listening ear. but the thing is you still shouldn't allow yourself to become a clinging vine and emotionally leech on to anyone of them, because at the end of the day, you're supposed to do this on your own. people are innately selfish, and no one can ever be there for you 100%. for me, my passion was dragonboat. and it became the most important thing in my life. of course, the fact tt i had the most amazing teammates tt i would *die* for was probably the biggest factor for this, but still. and anyway exercise is healthy and releases endorphins, a happy chemical.

oh and word of advice: i know everyone wants to stay in love with whoever they're with forever and ever and ever, and therefore should aim to spend a proportionate part of their lives with said person, but i find tt it is a very big mistake to invest ALL your waking time and energy in one person per se. because if it ever does fall apart - not tt i am saying tt it will all the time -, it's A LOT harder to get over the relationship, because chances are you'll be more estranged from your friends and have a harder time forming a support network. and you might not be able to find any activities to distract you sufficiently move on.

which leads us to the 4th erm... "method" tt people use to get over it. which isn't a method at all. i.e. they don't. i can't stand on my moral high horse and laugh at people who don't get over their exes, because i know for a fact tt it is fucking difficult, esp when all you think of is them, everything tt they do affects you so much emotionally tt even though there might not be any logical basis for it, it still hurts so fucking much tt you can't seem to do anything else or think or anything else or even function normally. basically you just feel torn apart, like your world imploded inside out. like you've lost a part of yourself tt you cannot live without, and of course it is very very tough. especially coz this greatly impacts your sense of security as well as your self-esteem.

i'm not saying tt you cannot grieve. tt you cannot be sad or bitter or angry or depressed. i mean, as a fact, i was for some time. and even now, a small part of me still feels the loss. failed relationships always scar, no matter the length of time. allowance HAS to be given for tt healing period, for you to feel tt pain and to come to accept the loss. it's only human - what makes us human. our vulnerability. and different people take different amounts of time to heal. some may take one or two months, some may take more, some may take years even, to heal. and some, not at all.

i'm not here to preach. i cannot tell people how to run their lives because i'm still trying to run my own and having enough on my hands already. but all i am saying is, no matter what action you choose, once again: you have to take responsibility for your actions. i know it's not easy to let go of someone, but some people don't let go because they don't want to. they keep on holding on past all logical explanations, because they still harbour faint hopes of reconciliation. like i said, it's not easy to let go. but i think tt you need to consider a few questions before deciding tt you don't want to let go. like for example: is your ex worth it? or, did he/she really love you? was he/she fair to you or was he/she just fucking around with you and playing with your feelings and playing mindgames with you? do you think he/she will really care whether you live or die, let alone whether you still care for him/her? is it worth going through so much emotional torture for someone who isn't worth the cost of their birth certificate and really doesn't give a fuck about you, painful as it is to think tt?

secondly, you have to ask yourself what you are giving up in order to hold on. most people who don't get over someone tend to be depressed, sad, angry, reclusive etc etc etc for this period. they're not happy. well, obviously. but the thing is tied in with the above questions, do you think it's worth it to be miserable for someone who doesn't give a fuck? yes, we cannot change our circumstances. yes, i think it's incredibly stupid for people to blame God or fate for whatever situations they have ended up in (btw. i think tt those stupid mediacorp scriptwrites have made idiots out of the tv-watching population). but the fact remains tt you can change your ATTITUDE. you can change your perceptions of things, and how you respond to a situation. you can choose to say "poor me" and wallow in self-pity, or you can look on the bright side of things, you can be positive and tell yourself tt your ex was a loser in the first place and tt you're much better off without such trash clinging to your shoes (the whole "it's his/her loss" argument. please believe it), and you can tell yourself tt you have a lot of better things to look forward to as a single: i.e. freedom, spending more time with friends, pursuing the activites tt you always wanted, not having to answer to anyone, dating around etc etc etc.

and thirdly, you have to remember tt by holding on to something tt isn't there anymore, you deprive yourself of a chance at something new, and possibly better. i know of people who because of a past failed relationship, refuse to give a new one a chance. and i think tt's kinda sad. i understand why you would be afraid to love again. it takes a lot out of you, emotions. and it's very scary to have to take tt leap of faith a second time and fall in love, which is so uncertain and possibly so fickle, after being hurt so badly a first time. even for me, i am apprehensive about emotions and relationships so soon after my past one. but at the same time, once the healing period is done, i don't believe tt you should become cynical or too jaded about love. everyone plays the game of love, and no one is any different or any more special as compared to someone else. people fall into and out of love every day all over the world, and no one's circumstance is any worse than any one else's.

i believe tt life is for the living. yes, we should have a certain amount of guardedness and healthy cynicism to keep us from being unnecessarily duped all the time. and it makes sense. we learn from pain. but at the same time, sometimes when you choose to cut yourself from the risk of pain, you inevitably shut yourself off from the risk of happiness. personally, i like living life almost recklessly, and crazily idealistically. i embrace the highs of life even when i know tt they come with gut-punching lows tt really really take the life out of me. but i think tt it's all about the experience. without the pain, how would we know how to appreciate the wonders? i guess tt's just me. i know tt such a disposition makes me much more vulnerable to pain than someone who's a lot more guarded, a lot more protective.

but it's different ways of living, and maybe i am a sentimental fool, but i like having looked back on my life years from now and knowing tt i've embraced every chance tt i could have and lived as fully as i could have, even if the chances were never fulfiled.

and i love frou frou. listen to this song if you can find it. it's so ethereal.

"coz i love you. can't help but love you."

BREATHE IN
- by Frou Frou

I read you and God I'm good at it I'm so spot on
Chord shapes in air go press that dissonance if you dare
And you breathing in finesse an innocent
From her partying

And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
'Cause I love you no?
Can't help but love, you know...

What part of no don't you understand I've told you before
To just get off my case this isn't happening stop this now
And I where was I? I have to be somewhere
Now where did I put it?

And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
'Cause I love you no?
Can't help but love you, no...

Is this it is this it is this it?

Yes hello we're back and we're taking calls
Now what was the question?

And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
'Cause I love you no?
Can't help but love you, no...