absolutum dominium

goddamn fuck off already.

i have had it to high blue fucking heaven with the goddamn threats and the goddamn emotional blackmails and if we have a fucking communication problem come the fuck out and say it, and not just hint around the fucking bush and expect me to get all your goddamn nuances. i am not god and i am not all-seeing and all-knowing and i don't get fuck unless you goddamn tell me. and then after tt come right around again for the god knows how manyeth fucking time and tell me tt i have no fucking conscience. if i had no fucking conscience i wouldn't even be here. fuck, i would be so far away tt you'd never fucking see me again. i haven't got the fucking mind or heart to try anymore. i don't see the point. no matter what i do, it's dead end wall here and there coz you guys don't get fuck, and i know difficult parents when i see them, but difficult is too much of an understatement. so what if you guys supposedly love me? somehow i don't seem to see any of tt coming through. all tt you ever make me is upset, angry, disappointed, and goddamn fucking guilty... oh yeah tt is all you seem to dish a lot of tt out in generous amounts. what love? what care and concern? fuck tt it's all just empty words and empty lies.

fine, fuck it. 21 august and i'm fucking out of here. fuck you all.

"the space between
the tears we cry
is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more."

you would think tt in a so-called cosmopolitan society like ours, people would have the decency to at least lead life well-enough be.

i may not be one of those bleeding-heart animal activists or tree huggers (although i believe tt a large majority of singaporeans aren't, either), but i draw the line - seriously draw the line - against the unnecessary infliction of abuse and pain on innocent animals tt deserve nothing of the sort.

in recent weeks, the cat-abuser, once jailed 3 months for cat abuse, has struck again and more than once. i honestly don't know what's up with him; i think he needs a lifelong vacation within the imh, and not just jail, because i don't believe tt anybody who is criminally sane will have the heart to bash in a poor defenceless kitten's head until its bleeding from the skull and sustains irreparable brain damage.

i mean, how would you like it if someone took a giant bat and swung it a couple of times at your brain? what the fuck is up with you? i think some people have speculated tt these types of people are dangerous - references have been made to tt infamous japanese boy - all of 11 year old i think - who also once engaged in the torture of poor animals... before graduating to the murder and decapitation of a real human being.

i'm not certain if this cat-abuser will similarly graduate towards the perpetuation of such actions on human beings as well... the speculation is still open-ended. but i don't know. it's difficult to give this guy something like life imprisonment because let's face it, in the way our society works punishment has to fit the crime, and already many detractors feel tt 3 months punishment for something done to an animal - not even a human being - is waaaay too much, especially if you can get a lot less for say, punching or assaulting a human being - unless it's aggravated assault or murder, but tt's another thing altogether. but still... i am uncomfortable with the fact tt this lunatic is running around our streets - okay okay, he's actually living in a hdb flat - torturing strays.

i honestly believe tt animal-abusers desperately need psychiatric help. if not for the very least, because they must be innately supremely unhappy people tt need to find alternative outlets for their frustration. and if they are repeat-offenders... you know damn well tt this isn't just fun and games, there's something deeply sick and psychotic about it.

anyway speaking of other deeply sick and psychotic animal-abusers, there is this video going ard the internet of this spastic china woman who abuses this kitten and steps on it with the spikes of her high-heeled shoes until it dies. and apparently she does this all for the reasons of fame (!!!) as in the video, she behaves as if she knows tt she is being filmed. mad, is an understatement.

i think tt woman ought to be stabbed repeatedly with high-heeled shoes too. i know tt the concept of retributive justice is somewhat primitive, but for fuck's sake... you call this a cosmopolitan society? we have the means to access the technology of the internet and to use gadgets like video cams and upload our stuff to mediums like youtube and google... and somehow we have this fucked up mentality tt it is perfectly okay to brutalise a kitten tt has done you no fucking harm at all.

what the fuck kind of thinking is this? what the fuck kind of people are these? and better yet, if you can actually condone or sympathise with these mad fuckers, what kind of a person does tt make you?

it is a known fact to my friends tt i am an arrogant elite, of sorts. i have finally admitted to my bf no less, tt i have a bourgeois mindset (this is as opposed to the proletariat mindset, which he most deludedly claims tt he has). i despise weakness, (although not physical or mental weakness due to sickless or some other unremediable reason) especially when i see no reason for it. and similarly, i despise people who self-impose misery on their lives and live them as such.

if you have a real reason to be miserable, then so be it. many things can cause the onset of depression - the death of a loved one, a huge financial setback resulting in a major change in lifestyle (i.e. downgrading property or the incurrence of massive debts); even the betrayal of a friend or someone tt you never believed would betray you. and these are just the major reasons for depression; they are of course, countless and not limited to these few.

but the thing is, it's okay to get depressed. it's okay to be sad and to mourn for a while, so long as you do not allow tt sadness to consume your life and to colour the way you see things and to treat people.

even in my own life, i try my best to avoid letting the sadness or resentment to affect my overall outlook; my state of being and the way i see people. sometimes it is especially difficult because you can't shut out the pain tt the people who are supposed to be the ones always on your side, always there for you, tt they are the ones who are ironically the source of all this pain; but there is nothing for it but to try.

i don't believe tt life is hard. i don't believe tt life is miserable. we make choices everyday tt determine how our lives will go, and i believe tt it is possible to live and enjoy life without applying useless cliches to it, all by itself. for tt reason, i believe tt i am responsible for my own life. yes, circumstances do play a role, but for the most part it is the choices tt you make and the responses to what circumstances throw at you, tt you go about deciding whether you will like this type of life or not.

for tt reason, the one thing i hate the most is people telling me what to do, imposing their own value system on me. to me tt is like the ultimate breach of my basic human dignity, and for the most part if this breach were done by anyone else i would have told whoever it is to fuck off already. but then again you just can't do tt to your own parents, now can you?

however, in line with this, this also explains why i am not religious, nor am i a huge supporter of a paternalistic government. i don't like institutions tt try to force me or compel me to think and behave a certain way. i would prefer to have the choice and to make it of my own free will. i don't read tt much about my faith i admit, but somehow a lot of it just doesn't get into me. i still don't get a lot of the symbolism of rituals. i see a group of people performing the same actions and muttering the same known prayers in church and i feel almost a sense of repulsion at the perpetuation of the herd mentality. from what i've seen, catholics or christians aren't necessarily better people per se. i've seen many who have still yet lied, cheated, used the name of the church and God to get people to think a certain way, who have used the name of God and all hellfire and brimstone to command unthinking obedience from their inferiors.

so maybe religion must be God and not church-centred, but yet it's hard to believe when most of your interactions are more earthly than anything else, and all you see aruond you tend to be morons and religious fanatics. like tt case of the christian fundie who got tt blogger char into trouble over so-called 'seditious' caricartures of jesus. i mean, we've seen the pictures (those of us tt bothered to find out what was seditious about them), and we've actually seen worse, and to be honest, it wasn't all a big deal. in fact, it would never have been a big deal had he not complained to the police.

what kind of faith do you profess to believe in, if in the name of tt faith you have no qualms getting your fellow man into trouble, if you end up being narrow-minded and intolerant of freedoms, if you end up preaching a lifestyle of repression and with tt repression, necessarily misery?

if i could, i would like to de-convert, if only for a while. if i am able to make my choices without the heavy hand of so-called 'authority' upon me, things would be easier.

for this same reason, i am anti-authority, so long as authority believes tt 'it knows better'. call it the carry-forward syndrome or whatever you will, but seenig tt every circumstance may be different and one vague principle may not and should not always apply, and assuming tt i already have a reasonably logical mind to make my own decisions (especially when a) the authority is not so reasonable; or b) the authority's decisions are more for its own interests than for mine), i see no reason why i should submit to an authority without questioning its logic or intentions.

so all being said, my life... is what i choose. and similarly, my mistakes, are my own to bear.

for this reason, there is no point in blaming other people for the choices tt you make, not your circumstances, not God, and there is no reason to envy other people or to bemoan the state of your own affairs in relation to them. everything is a choice tt you chose or did not choose, and therefore...

if you're always complaining about something or being miserable about something, maybe it's time you take a good long look at yourself and wonder why the fuck tt is so.

dearest lee wanyi, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart! *MUAKZ* i love you!!! wahaha.

anyway here are the long-awaited photos from my outings with my fave gal pals and mambo whores... yes yes. life does not just revolve around my sometime jellyfish/raccoon.

1. mambo night @ zouk

these are the photos from my first clubbing night the week after i returned from vancouver. enjoy!



me. i look like white chicken.



me with wanyi. the normal photo.



me with wanyi. the bimbo photo. hee hee.

and all 4 mambo whores reunited - sam, wanyi, me and jane! yippie!



2. jane's farewell dinner @ suntec marche

these were taken the saturday before jane flew off for her expedition to china.

me and wanyi, again. :)



me and ben (yes, i dragged him along).



said person eating.



and me, jane and wanyi - rehash of nye 2004. *muakz* love this photo.



even though i am still the white chicken of the group now. sigh.

3. coffee @ mc-cafe with sam and wanyi.

met up with the babes on fri a week after jane left. yes yes the bf tagged along too.



sam and me.



wanyi and me.



wanyi being rude (as usual), hee hee.



me and ben.



kena stunned.



and the three of us girls - wanyi, sam and me.

love you girls!!! *muakz*

today it was back to meeting the sometime-known-as-jellyfish for breakfast (again) @ bt market. chee kweh is damn nice. wahaha. and @ $1 for 4 it's probably one of the cheapest filling items you can get there.

after tt, we took a bus (specifically 2) to east coast park... to cycle!

tt's right, we rented bicycles from east coast for 2 hours and cycled all the way up to the safra ns resort near changi, speeding, turning etc etc etc. and inspite of my lack of control and confidence regarding turning, i didn't fall and i didn't slam into a post! yay!

ooh, and we stopped over at bedok jetty for photo taking ops!



me and my trusty bike - quite lau pok but good gears.

and ben sitting on his bike (smoking).



later, we cycled a bit further to this breakwater area opposite the pa sea sports club, where my bf decided tt he would go topless. so here is my 'sexy' bf.



okay, scratching back a bit unglam tho.

and him sitting in a tree.



i'm not there with him, tho.

and both of us together.



later, we stop by the food centre for some coconut juice and return the bikes after our 2 hours are up. we then have lunch @ mac's, and after a completely unsuccessful attempt at tanning, we decide to take a shower and get the fuck out of east coast for alternative places.



tt's us in the long underpass.

we headed over to suntec for more food (bak chor mee), and then we bought movie tickets for scary movie 4 at 7.30pm. before tt, we also had ice kachang and chendol, and ben showed me the sky garden where the smokers go to smoke.

it's actually a pretty place. there's a miniature fountain of wealth.



me in front of the fountain. and no, i wasn't posing.

after tt, we played a game of house of the dead 4 at the arcade (thank you diana! wish you were here too!) before going in.

scary movie 4 was slapstick, lame, retarded... but absolutely hilarious! we were laughing almost throughout the entire movie and even after leaving the theatre! the way it spoofed so many movies and scenes was an absolute hoot, and it was probably the best movie we'd seen of all the movies we'd caught since my return to singapore. so if you've seen the movies like 'war of the worlds' or 'ju-on' or 'the village' or 'saw', you really should catch this movie!

we went to our fave starbucks to nua again after the movie.

ben took this of me while i was getting his grande mocha:



and more mushy couple photos...

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1.



2.



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then we over to glutton's bay at the esplanade for hokkien mee dinner/supper, and on the way ben made me do this pose.



i guess tt was some small punishment for all the agony i'd put him through in starbucks. ;)

warning: potentially offensive post ahead.

yes, to my detractors, this post is a (most welcome) departure from my usual mush-filled photologs tt are driving almost everyone else, nuts. i bet tt you have been craving my more... reasonable (right, like i ever was?), or at least more intellectually-stimulating posts/rants abt life and the likeness of it. so in this post, your wish has now been fulfilled.

my mom accuses me of not spending time with the family - when she and my dad are downstairs watching tv, i'm usually either out, in my room, or on this damn contraption known as the pc. rarely am i ever downstairs watching the tube with them.

i provide 2 reasons: 1) they almost exclusively watch channel 55, which has mainly hong kong, taiwanese, korean and japanese serials; and 2) i don't watch tv. especially not hong kong, taiwanese, korean and japanese serials.

don't get me wrong, i'm not tt anti-asian or anything. i generally don't like watching tv; not the reality tv shows like the amazing race or american idol (i saw the trailer for singapore idol, but the hairstyles tt looked like they came straight off star wars: attack of the clones completely turned me off the whole series), and not the ang moh dramas like desperate housewives and the oc. you see, i don't like living vicariously, not thru these dramas, and i honestly think i have better things to do with my time. not to say tt my life is particularly interesting or particularly meaningful, but coz i believe tt bored people are naturally boring people, i therefore prefer to use my choices to make my own life purposeful enough. in any case, some people have already commented tt my life, especially in recent weeks, has played out almost like one of those singaporean or hong kong drama serials, so i suppose art imitates life as much as life imitates art.

but speaking of singaporean drama serials, although i generally believe tt most oriental serials are by and large trashy and somewhat of a waste of time, i have come to the conclusion tt singaporean drama serials are not only a complete waste of tt time, but also serve the purpose of being positively mind-numbing and stupidity-inducing.

yes, we've all been young once. yes, we've all been weaned on serials like the last swordsman or shuang tian zi zhun when we were kids and totally in love with a younger li nanxing and zoe tay. but then, one evening while waiting at home for my parents to return, out of sheer boredom and having nothing to do, i flip on to channel 8 for the first time in years, to this show known as 'cid 2'. i think.

anyway, considering a future vocation i decide to see if this is any good (with lowered expectations of course), or if mediacorp channel 8 tv has changed since the last time i tapped tt button years ago.

sadly, no. in fact, if environmental awareness has ever been an issue of concern in our little island, it has been most manifest in mediacorp channel 8 shows - the scripts have all been reused, reduced, and recycled.

i kid you not. one show has all the elements found in the shows tt we'd been subjected to since the 1980s - in the current episode of 'cid 2' tt i was watching, there was once again the over-the-top dramatic acting replete with the usual lines like (i apologise for the english. i type as the subtitles read) "my last hopes have been dashed!" and "it's over! over!" and "i have nothing else to live for", bucketloads of tears to fill macritchie reservoir, and the episode's plot contained a showdown between wife of murdered man and his lover (in a jail, no less), a miscarriage, and a suicide with the (soon-to-be-dead) wife looking pretty and despondent all at once and doing the usual 'falling peaceably' suicide, plus a nice little letter tt sums up the entire case. *jumps for joy* once again, the cops are shown as good-looking tay ping hui, the 1-dimensional good guy with the furrowed brow who seems to know everyone on the case personally, and his kah kias who listen to him and follow him religiously, no one ever fucks up, and all the girls are pretty flower vases. and there are the usual car chases, crashes, gun fights and fake taekwondo battles.

according to some people, the plots are so predictable tt the standard actually seems much worse than before. is it therefore no wonder why more people are subscribing to cable?

i mean, let's face it. this isn't watchable tv even. this is drivel. this is mind-numbing. this kind of plot and characterisation makes you stupid. i believe tt over time, the more of this tt you watch, the more stupid you become. seriously, who watches these kinds of show the most? well, most people think back to the stereotypical housewife taking a break after cleaning up after dinner. or maybe her kids too. is it therefore any wonder why these housewives tend to be or become the usual aunties tt hug the poles on the mrt trains, shoot you the dagger look of death if you accidentally bump into them or cut their queue, or generally behave in an unhappy and ungracious manner when out in civil society?

what i don't get, is why the fuck scriptwriters are still putting out this kind of drivel on national tv. this, as well as the subtle messages regarding entrepreneurship, family-centricity, and baby-making, on national tv in almost every single serial? i mean, is mediacorp short of manpower? after all, i figured tt the scriptwriters of the 1980s should either be dead or retired by now, so what is wrong with the new batch? i mean, if they aren't able to generate creativity, maybe what the government terms "economic restructuring" should also take place in mediacorp. after all, singapore has proven tt it is not short of talent in our arts industry. we have film makers like eric khoo and roystan tan, who have taken facets of singaporean life - facets tt are supposed to be displayed on television to win the so-called "hearts and minds of the people", and have made them into riveting pieces of history to be so valued and so remembered.

and yet, though celebrated they remain niche and under suspicion from the censorship board, while mind-numbing drivel gets free reign on national tv. tell me, if something isn't wrong here.

of course, the explanation could be, because mind-numbing drivel appeals to the mainstream. the conservative, the proletariat. who have enough worries about their own lives and just want something tt does not involve real mental stimulation, to entertain themselves. who just want to live vicariously through heroes tt they can admire without complication or confusion. because these make up the majority of the population, and something must be done to keep them happy. or at least, happy enough to vote the right way.

eric khoo and roystan tan might be edgy, but they highlight certain social issues tt might prove to be dangerous. they help to open otherwise blind or unseeing eyes, and tt puts certain people in precarious positions. therefore to keep the subservient meek, their minds must be numbed enough tt they merely think a certain way, such tt life may go on as per normal and no one will be the wiser.

i suppose if this is the real reason behind mindless drivel, then maybe mediacorp is much smarter than we think.

of course, this also means tt i am never going to watch tv for a long long time.

someone told me tt staying at home is the most fool-proof way to keep a person out of trouble. indeed, staying at home keeps you out of physical harm. but if all you have to watch is mindless drivel on tv, your brain will suffer more mental damage than is worth the risk of physical harm.

stop watching tv and get out more. or at least, read more instead.

saturday was the day i had my first nasi lemak since coming back to singapore - and it was the damn good famous nasi lemak from adam road. the chilli did me in though, as i was to realise later.

then, after tagging along with my dad for a bit, i went to join ben at bukit batok, where we decided tt with 4 hours to kill before meeting his mom to watch this movie at 7 pm, we had nothing to do...

except, in air-con comfort, to take a reeeaaally scenic mrt ride up the north-south line - from bukit batok thru to woodlands and down to orchard.

tt was my first time so far up north of the mrt line. seeeriously. i didn't know tt admiralty was actually a place and tt sembawang wasn't uluville. oops. apologies to people possibly living there.

we then walked over thru the heavy rain to the starbucks at modesto's, for this:



yes, this iced mocha and company is all for me.



me is a happy girl.



ben, he don't need so much. cigarette can liao.



this is the view from the al fresco starbucks...

where we spent an hour or so till we decided it was time to return to bukit batok for a burger king dinner, in time to watch - get this - 'silent hill' (which his mom bought) with his mom and her friend.

so we watched silent hill. hmm.

after tt, we had supper at boon tong kee at upper bukit timah road, and ben sent me home.

oh, and he wasn't squatting today.



sitting and smoking. thank god for overhead bridge steps. ;)

oh, and i need you. today was yet another emotionally draining day, and i feel very weary. sometimes i wonder what is the use of pressing on.

we went to escape theme park @ downtown east today.

we took most of the rides at the park including the pirate ship, the haunted house, the bumper boats and the 2 spinning rides. don't know what their names were though. the thrill rides made us realise tt we kind of lose tt fear through age (we weren't scared by any of the rides at all), the haunted house was a real let-down and the air-con wasn't even cold, and we got seriously wet at the bumper boats coz we kena shot at by everyone. especially me. but i got to soak quite a few people, including unsuspecting passers-by unlucky enough to be within the range of my water gun.

we also did 1 round on the basic go kart track and 3 rounds on the advanced; with he and i racing through the last round. the wait was damn long tho. 45 min for the last round... until he was once again, doing this:



nb but his car in the last round was more powerful than mine; it was the only reason why he could overtake me. in the second round when i was taking tt car i could overtake the 4 cars in front of me as well *sticks tongue out*. but tt being said, some of the go kart drivers seriously cmi. and i hate to say this, but a majority of them are female. *slaps head* aiyoh. give us girls a damn bad name. sigh.

a lot of si geenas around too. coz it's a school holiday. most of the people at escape were half or a third our age. either tt, or they were parents bringing their kids for a fun day outside (and out of their hair). but then again, i also looked like a si geena myself (i dressed like most of the teenagers), so i could somehow get away with it. but coz he was hanging around with me, he was checked for ID for the first in a long time when he was buying cigarettes. hilarious!

oh, and ben won me a horse and a whale soft toy! the whale was huge! i call it orca, but he's got some weird-ass long name for it tt i can't be bothered to remember.



ben holding up said whale.



and me with the whale. yes, do i look like a si geena to you? i know tt my clothes totally don't match - orange top with black/yellow berms and bright pink slippers. fashion disaster of the year. sigh.

oh, and if i don't look si geena-ish to you yet...



how about this? me with teh-ping. acting cute.

finally, here are the escape mushy pics...

mush alert: please scroll down quickly if you don't wish to see all 3 of them.

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ben and i at the bumper boats area. this is a bit dark, so...



here is a brighter close-up. yay!



and the ultimate si geena couple picture - ben and i at the sesame street stage behind big bird and gang! yippee!

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after escape, we went over to geylang for an early dinner.



this looks like undeveloped singapore. hee hee.

we had frog leg porridge there. YUM. i like! :) or i love. i love frogs... eating them tt is.

and then coz i was getting so hot and sweaty and sticky tt i was this close to killing my bf... he decided tt it would be a good time to get back on the mrt. but because there weren't enough seats on board, i caught his disease:



the squatting disease. wahaha. i die, like tt. i am inheriting some of his ah beng traits now.

we then ended up at holland v for the rest of our dinner at tcc:

for me, mushroom gratin (below)...



... with an ultimate hazelnut frappe and my irresistable dark devotion warm chocolate lava cake with ice-cream and raspberry puree.

yay!

...and he held me until i felt loved again.

2 for the price of 1.



2 for the price of 1.

"sticks and stones might break my bones;
but words will never hurt me."
the above phrase unfortunately
it applies not to me.
for every unkind word said by someone dear
whether in all seriousness or in jest
whether empty or pregnant with meaning
it serves the same purpose -
to slice through my heart and make me bleed.
someone told me tt my family was sad
tt from the outside we seem like one whole unit
yet from the inside we are disjuncted
and while there is love on either side
there is no transmission.
there seems to be no happiness.
and although i have knowledge of tt love,
what makes me said is what tt love is doing to me.
it chokes, it burdens, it weighs me down.
it doesn't free, it doesn't fly;
it catches me in a prison of tendrils.
imprisoned to unhappy words.
nightly i return to arguments and hurtful comments
tt i bite my lip to endure
such tt daily i may return to your arms
and the happiness and lightness of being tt is conspicuously absent at home.
they wonder why i love you
they do not see tt you make me happy
with you i am free, careless, and i believe
you ask me what there is to fear?
they are merely human and they hurt just as i hurt.
but truth be told i fear not so much the words, the hurtful words
tt my supposedly catholic brethren utter to cut into me
but rather what those words are making me become.
the unhappiness tt translates to bitter resentment, to sarcasm to this need to fight back
for someone who abhors conflict how can i thus not help
but to abhor what i become in such surroundings?
i don't want to fuck myself up
i was fucked up enough for far too long.
but what might i do about those hurtful hurtful words?
except to endure just a little bit longer?

yay! i like the sound of tt. mushy as it is. heh heh heh.

anyway today ben 'n' bel - the undynamic duo - found themselves @ ikea after a breakfast - wherein ben was unforgiveably late hur hur hur - of tau huey (yay! i love singapore's creamy smooth and rich tau huey!!!) at the usual predictable bt market.

where ben was looking for bookshelves. he found his bookshelves. he even found a rainbow (although whether he was looking for tt rainbow, or for tt elusive pot of gold at its end,is questionable).



ben under his rainbow. yes we can all tell he loves it there.



me joining him under the rainbow. i think i shall get him one from ikea too.

we also chanced upon...



a yellow crab!!!

and i got set upon by...



blue-green octopuses!!! *help!!!*

after ikea, it was onward thru wrong bus numbers and slow cab drivers, as well as a fateful balukoo for ben's head, to funan the it mall, to get the external hard drive for my dad.

hungry, i then had my mini pot noodles with mee kia with extra chilli there.



the mee kia was damn hot.



but it was a happy lunch.

and once again, here is the requisite smoking shot:



and the requisite squatting shot at the bus stop:



although this time, he is engaging in more mentally-stimulating activity - reading national geographic magazine.

okay, now for the mushy photo alert!

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i have a crooked mouth. ben looks v cute. too cute tt it is scary.

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k. after tt, we went to watch a moooovie and to get more rest, and then it was onward to bukit batok for dinner.

this cute small boy next to our table asked ben if i was his sister.

we also adjourned to swensen's for dessert.



chocolate crunch for me and frosted chocolate malt for him.



me is a happy girl.

unfortunately my stomach has embarked on a mutiny. :(