absolutum dominium

it's one of those things you ponder, as the sun goes down on you, quietly, and almost unnoticeably; except tt when you look back up at the sky you wonder where day has gone.

it's one of those things you ponder, when he tells you tt he loves you. a few months ago, he once said tt he didn't know what love was, and he didn't believe tt people could love. and tt once, he didn't believe he could.

it's one of those things you ponder, when you think back to what his fave activities are, or were. once, they were things like dota and smoking. now he says tt while he likes to do them more often, his fave activity involves you.

sometimes, or more often that most, i wonder what makes, or made the difference. being a single for so long, it was easy to be on the outside looking in, embracing the empowerment of singlehood and all the associated freedoms tt came along with it, and yet wondering when i would be one of those sickeningly lovey-dovey couples holding hands and strolling along wherever.

you really wonder when you're single, whether you wish to admit it or not, why you are. many of us truly are single by choice; we choose to wait only for the right one to come along, and we refuse to spend our days sulking and moping like sad little losers. we live, we embrace life; but sometimes when we come back home and we face the quiet emptiness of our homes, we wonder if maybe there is something wrong with us, tt we can't find someone who loves us for who we are. perhaps tt we are too fat, too ugly, too outspoken, too unfunny; or maybe as i would like to think of myself: too independent, too domineering, and too intimidating. (hee hee)

so after a prolonged period of singlehood and the associated mindset, sometimes it's hard to accept being one of a pair when you finally are. not so much being one of a pair per se, but the sheer alienness of the situation. how both of you, young but cynical and burnt in relationships, can somehow let your walls down enough for the other to actually come in. how both parties can actually believe in love, and not just as 3 pretty words uttered to keep the other happy (because he knows i would never settle for anything tt isn't real), but words spoken in conviction.

to me, it seems natural tt i have built my life around him; incorporating him into my schedule, my mind, and my heart. i suppose it does come naturally when he was already in at least 2 of those places without me realising or being able to do anything about it. but yet, when it comes to the other side, it still comes a remarkable surprise to me, how he has somehow fit me into his life, his personality, his heart.

a lot of people think tt we are incompatible. and as mentioned before, it seems to go beyond the obvious height disparity, but also to things such as our lifestyle choices and apparent personalities. i don't smoke, and i speak terrible mandarin and even worse hokkien, and i have to be the worst (if at all) dota player this side of the world. he doesn't run with me. he doesn't run. period. or swim, either. or gym. (although recently he's been hit by a bout of slight madness whereby he actually used the words "run" and "swim" in a sentence construct involving himself as a first party). and this might just be the tip of the ice berg. but yet, us being together; somehow everything has just fallen into place.

he met me for an hour today; one precious hour for lunch at the hog's breath cafe, and he sent me home by cab fearing for my health. my father asks me constantly whether he cares for me; i know my father doesn't believe he does. i know my father thinks tt i am in a relationship with someone who is cold and nonchalant and in my father's words - very violent (?!). once, i used to think tt he was cold and nonchalant too. once, i used to wonder whether i could stand being in a relationship with someone who wouldn't care very much.

but he proved me, and continues to prove me, wrong. he cares. and it isn't just in the big actions or the things tt he does, but also in the small gestures. he cares. sometimes, it's difficult for someone like me with a lot of pride and a lot of independence, to let someone just care for me. it's difficult to swallow my pride because i fear being vulnerable, being weak. but with him, even with all these fears my trust has been complete, and he has never done anything to shake tt trust. he has instead shown me a side of himself tt no one else might ever see - his warmth, his caring, his thoughfulness, his love. he smiles with his lips and his eyes; he laughs in this cute donkey-like explosion tt can sound really unglam but we all know tt i am already unglam anyway; and he holds me with enough tenderness tt i do feel valued. not for my size, not for my looks, not for my humour or my intellect, but for who i am.

if you ask me if i know what love is, i still cannot in all sincerity define it. if you ask me how i know tt i love him, i cannot in all honesty give you a definite answer as to the hows or why. and if you pose tt to him, i know tt he will also be hard-pressed to give you a concrete answer. but if you simply ask me if i love him - and the answer to tt is 'yes'; and whether he loves me in return...

i would say 'yes'. because i know. it has made the difference.