absolutum dominium

NO TIME TO COMPLETE WORK YEARGH!!!

...but got time to blog.

What the fuck. Proof tt my priorities are REALLY screwed. Swore to myself last night tt I would wake up on time today for lecture and all.... but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO I just HAD TO HAD TO sleep alllllllllllllllllllllllll the way to 1.15pm - oversleeping even Law FCG meeting! WTF?! So had a lonely lunch at Bizad (the hunger was KILLING me), then headed to Law Lib to get some heavy duty catch-up-on-everything studying done.

I took out all the company law notes I'd missed. Hey, only 4 PPT handouts. Chicken. RIGHT. 3 hours later I had finished *ONE* motherfucking pathetic handout and 1 tutorial question out of 5. FUCK!!! I'm dead. I swear I am so dead. And tt is not counting my Prop Law stuff - both what I have missed as well as my tutorial questions - AND CLT - apparently the super killer of the week. 50 over pages of un-merry Merrymen, which apparently according to Jasmine a super mugger, is super dry (i.e. *really really* bore you to tears)... DIE DIE DIE. So much to read so so so little time.

And of course once I head out of frigid sterile too-quiet law library and head back to hall, tt is IT. That effectively spells the END of my short study-fest.

But on the upside, I bought my strawberry pocky!!! Went to co-op and bought 3 boxes! Have them nicely displayed on my shelf now. Pretty pretty pretty. And I bought cheese combos and Cadbury mini-eggs to munch in the Law Library. Yippee! And I may be moving on to form a study group with Joanne and Joanna and Mario and that is GOOD. Coz once you have a study group it is hard to slack.

Unless everyone else... is... also... slackers... uh oh...

UH OH.

*cough cough*

But anyway moving on... Had food in Bizad at 5pm, had dinner with Beekers at 6pm, had supper with same people at 9pm - celebrated Malaysia's National Day with yummy birthday cake and sandwiches and jelly... yum. :) And ooh, watched people get ponded. Muahaha. And now 2 of the guys have come to realise tt *I* have not yet been fully initiated into the culture... so while one of them was trying to analogize Ponding with dragonboat training (i.e. you get wet in both), I slyly moved away and escaped back to my room. Die! Just found out there is a special Law Day for my block... where all the Law Students get ponded in one night. Have to have to be on my guard from now on.

Jane was supposed to run with me tonight but run got delayed and finally cancelled. She was supposed to stay-over too. Stay-over *I* cancelled coz I really needed my run and I knew tt I would finish so late tt it wouldn't make sense anymore. Oh well. Always next week.

Anyway my short run turned into a 1 hour + run = 2 rounds round NUS. And on my way back to Sheares I passed this bunch of people who looked like they were going to MaMbO and I overheard the conversation between 2 of the girls (I was running damn slowly can?):

Girl 1 (G1): "Wah lau it's tt girl again... This is the third time I've seen her lor!"
Girl 2(G2): "Yeah, didn't we see her running past YIH just now?"
Guy (interjection): "Maybe she's running round different parts of NUS."
G1: "Anyway I don't like her."

I am amused. I have never met said girl(s) in my life.

So anyway I go back to my room, and guess what? There is a giant strawberry and a giant chocolate Pocky stick resting on my door handle! YAY!!! My floor people have given me more Pocky! I'm so grateful and so happy! *muakz* Thank you girls so much!

BUT THEN.

I go into my room and decide to get a sip of water... and WHOOHOO I knock over my completely full 750ml bottle of water... ALL OVER my Company Law book, lecture notes, tutorial questions, HANDPHONE, LAPTOP, ALL my stationery... and yes, my table and floor too. And my head just explodes like "KANINA FUCK CHEEBYE" etc etc etc and I'm cursing and cursing and cursing as I wipe up all the water and PRAY tt nothing is spoilt.

My phone and laptop still seem to work. Amen. Thank God. And I have clipped my Company Law lecture notes and tutorial questions to my hangers and hung them out to dry outside my window. This is so ridiculous.

So that is it. I'm just going to finish up this blog, console myself with my giant strawberry Pocky, go sleep and HOPEFULLY wake up on time for my 9am lecture tomorrow.

2:43 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

RETURN OF MR. VORACIOUS APPETITE

I have never felt as hungry as I have had today.

I swear, I have hit the mark in slackerdom. I missed my lecture today. Again. My second and only lecture of the day, from 9am to 10.15am. And I woke up at 10.30am.

You have no idea how fucking disgusted I am with myself.

Zhiqian was like "Wah lau you chao slacker! You might as well just quite law school!"

Urk.

Anyway the rest of the day actually went better. Yes yes yes, I'm still on gametrailers.com, but I managed to get a teensy weensy bit of reading done for Prop Law (which isn't much but IS a start), had lunch with Mona and later Meiping and Yunshan, and also made my way down to Queensway to get another pair of shorts (I'm seriously out of running shorts with pockets big enough to fit my matric card) as well as a pair of Overland slippers originally priced at $29.90 but selling for $3! And tt purple Nalgene bottle I've been eyeing for some time set me back $12.50, but I swear I think it's gorgeous.

Oh well. So came back... for a damn xiong training. I have never liked gym, but I've always preferred gym to running.

Tonight was the exception. Gym circuits + endurance. I think this should have been renamed 'Gym Deluxe' coz it probably was. Nearly killed me. The only thing tt could have been worse is if we had to do 6 sets of 15 pushups and dips instead of just 5.

But I am happy with the juniors. I think the bonding steamboat the team had on Sat was a roaring success coz everyone seems relatively closer. Made efforts to talk to and joke with the juniors and flash them my trademark spastic grins, and my efforts were more than rewarded.

We had dinner at Angel's Cafe, best known for bland food. But tonight my spicy mee goreng was actually pretty edible. Could have been coz 1) I was SO ravenous tt I would have eaten anything tt moved, seriously; or 2) it had tomato sauce and I am a HUGE sucker for tomato sauce.

And guess what? After dinner I was STILL hungry. Coincidentally when I made my way back into hall I bumped into my freshies, and they said tt there was a hall supper thing to celebrate the closing of IBG, and I managed to get myself another spring roll and a curry puff. And then I sat there laughing and joking with them for an extra hour, before going back to my room.

Oh well, a few more things to do, and then I'll catch some sleep.

1:21 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

ADDICTED!!!

This time it's to gametrailers.com. Argh. WHY on earth am I crazily downloading trailers, teasers and TV spots from games like Halo, Metal Gear Solid (and Acic), Mortal Kombat: Deception, Final Fantasy (VII: Advent's Children, XII etc) etc etc etc, when 1) I have never played some of these games before; 2) I will never play some of these games at all; 3) I don't have a deathwish nor do I want to say goodbye to Law School.

Ugh. But OOH, tt Final Fantasy VII: Advent's Children fan movie, the one to Linkin Park's Faint, is DAMN cool. I love it!!! And Tekken 5 is coming out. For people who knew me back from the time when I was Tekken-crazy.... OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH.

My grand plans for waking up bright and early for my 1hr45min lecture on Prop Law at 9.00am this morning nicely failed. I woke up... at 10.30am, and then fucked it, went back to sleep and woke up at 12pm. And the truth is it's not like I slept really late last night and therefore didn't get enough sleep. The problem was tt the entire weekend I didn't get enough rest. I wasn't rested, and therefore my body clock just took the extra 3 hours to rejuvenate. So I guess the positive aspect to skipping tt lecture is tt at least now I feel bright and fresh and alive again.

The downside is tt I probably have a fucking lot more to catch up on.

Was checking out all my work. Fuck. The backlog since the sem started is a hell of a lot to do. Yes, I admit. I'm a bloody lazy procrastinating slacker. What the hell man? People come to uni to study, but it seems my 'run, swim and gym' routine seems more consistent than my study routine. Hell,I'm even back to DRAWING again. Anything but study... The good news is tt the Sheares gym will be open every Mon, Wed and Fri night from 7pm - 10pm starting this Wed, so thank God (and the gym comm) for small graces!

Anyway after Advo lecture and a nice gym session + totally unexpected meet-up with Johnny's friend Wayne, went down to PGP for Home Team Scholars' gathering. Didn't bring phone. But they said 'meet at foyer' after all.

OF COURSE.

I waited half an hour at the foyer until the only words tt I could make out in my head were 'fuck' and 'fuck' and 'fuck', and then superbly pissed off, I stormed down to take a bus back to Sheares.

And then I bumped into James, who I have come to believe is like one of the nicest people in the world. Most people, you say hi to. He, asks if you have had dinner. So we have dinner together and joke about stuff like my whole thing with Mr. Condemned. At which point I will interject tt I don't care.

Meaning I don't care what people say. In the past, I used to be mindful of what I said or didn't say, coz I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I didn't want to be called mean. But now, I've come to realise tt it doesn't matter coz whether I say it or not, the fact tt I think it already shows tt nothing in my character has changed. And I'm not changing myself into a super-sweet never-thinks-anything-bad-about-anyone saccharine person because that just wouldn't be me. That would be TOO idealistic, TOO shallow, and most of all... TOO BORING. I want to keep my wit, my sarcastic humour, and my brains about me. So too bad, so sad.

Besides, when I do say something mean about anyone, I don't bitch or gossip without substance. There WILL be a reason or evidence to back everything I say. So maybe you can say tt I'm mean for condemning Mr. Condemned, but you just CAN'T disagree with me coz logic, and what you've seen and heard from him just PROVES how condemned he is. And for me, because there is interactive contact, the condemnedness is to an even greater degree because of the proximity, such tt it comes to a point where my natural instinct when he comes near me is to MOVE AWAY.

You're right Sue. I choose my friends. I can't, nor do I want to be, friends with everyone. Am I too selective? Exclusive? Maybe. But the truth is there are few people who can understand me, and fewer still who make the effort to. And while I would prefer to just be friends with everyone, I don't have the capacity or energy to go out of my way to be understood by the people who just can't SEE. So tt is why.

It shows you know. I do see it. In law school I can say hi to everyone, but there are very very few who will have lunch with me. It's like tt. In hall I can smile to everyone, but similarly how many can I hold a decent conversation with?

Sometimes in a moment of self-pity, I feel misunderstood.

But anyway back to my day, as fate would have it, I met the Home Team scholars at the PGP canteen. So after the dinner (and dessert of ice-cream, to which James said tt: "no matter how sporty you are, when it comes to ice-cream you're just like other girls." And to which I came to the theory tt sugar is to girls what sex is to guys - you just can't live without it. :) ), I joined them instead. Yanda (and his new + first gf!), Weng Wanyi (Lee Wanyi babe tt is the LSE Wanyi), Debiao, Ivan, Lenglee and Qicong. It's been AGES since I last saw all of them. We generally just talked about stuff like our future (or seeming therelackof) in the police, what we would be doing in C-course (which I am looking forward to, altho I might just be an exception), boring stuff like what courses to take and what to study (I know all this is supposed to be relevant, but please isn't talking about studies just so BEEN THERE DONE THAT?), hall life (in UK and Singapore), and funny anecdotes like downloading Alien vs. Predator from xiaonan.com, only to find out the hard way tt it is Porn.

After having sent the movie to 14 other people.

Muahaha. And Debiao's funny little quips and 1-liners really brightened up my evening. I was kind of quiet, maybe because I didn't find the topics tt relevant to me, or maybe because I couldn't be bothered to discuss them (usually if I go quiet during conversations it always because a) I know nothing abt the topic b) I have nothing to contribute to the topic c) I don't think the topic is worth contributing to). So after this we all went to visit Debiao's sterilised hospital (like yours, James!) PGP room, and then I went on a short slow jog from PGP back to hall.

Okay, it's not really a short jog, just a really slow one. From PGP up and down through Central Library, out to SDE, back up Science, and back down PGP to Sheares. Maybe between 5 and 6km? But at a nice slow pace.

Met Shaocong 2 times during the route. Seems like I was running circles round his hall, according to him, or tt he was just walking up and down the PGP slope in the don't-know-how-many-minutes I was running. It seems quite a few people I know, including Debbie and April, have had lasting impressions left on them by the horny cucumber. UGH. There are A LOT of bad jokes tt you can make with tt horny thing. I almost wanted to emphasize the middle syllable when pronouncing it this afternoon, but I didn't really want to corrupt Debbie (nor did I think she would get it anyway).

(She to him: "You're not going to eat tt are you?"
Me: "I think he has better uses for it." Note: he is holding said object in a very un-cuCUMber like way.
Lingwei (bystander): *cough cough* i.e. "I totally understand."
Debbie: "What? What? I don't get it."
Me: "Trust me. You don't want to know.")

Anyway I ALWAYS try to avoid meeting people when I run, but in hall it's almost impossible. And they always think you're like really fit and sporty, even tho you try to tell them tt you're FAR from fit and you run at the pace of snail.

In fact, I realise tt in order to maintain an optimal level of running fitness (both physical AND psychological), I probably have to run EVERYDAY. ARGH!!!

Oh, and 1 thing. I think my return to hall and gradual build-up of fitness is working for me. While I still have no waist and big arms, my arms actually look firmer now, and my stomach is almost flat. Now if I were just to put in the extra effort to do crunches, I might just get abs. Of course, I'd have to run a lot more and eat a lot less too.

You know, the kind of body I always wanted to have is like tt of a fitness model. For people who have cable and watched this trashy action show called Mutant X, I've always wanted to have the body of the girl playing the character Shalimar. She's so hot. She's muscular and lean, and whoohoo her stomach is flat and muscled. I don't ever want to be thin, I want lean and muscled.

Unfortunately, I've got the half tt I'd rather not have. And if I'm losing any fat, I swear I'm losing it off my boobs. I think I'm getting flatter and flatter, which is highly worrying. The one thing I admired about fat people was tt they had BREASTS. It's hot to be thin and have boobs.

But it's so NOT hot to be big and have no boobs.

And it seems like I'm moving in tt direction.

SOB.

...

I feel like eating Strawberry Pocky now Now NOW!!!

Argh.

1:14 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

MY PERSONALITY...

As taken off Perex.com...

You believe that everything happens for a reason.

You are exceptional and unique. Your quest in life is to identify exactly who you are and why you’re here. What’s important to you is the journey of self discovery, determining who you are today is not the same as who you’ll be tomorrow. You believe that when people are authentically themselves, and affirmed in being authentically themselves, that they can make the world a better place.

You strongly resist being categorized and are quick to question any social standard that you sense someone imposing on you. Stereotypical gender roles always interest you and, in your mind, connect to issues that most other people would never even consider related.

You can “connect” with any individual person and practically read their mind, but you have a natural tendency to match your actions to the expectations you read from their mind and yearn for company that lets you truly, naturally be yourself. You struggle between letting yourself naturally match the sentiment of the group (which feels like putting on a façade) or letting your individuality shine, which may allow people to see how different you are.

You are particularly accepting of other people and have a special talent for seeing people’s true selves instinctively. It takes time for you to trust your gut instinct about people because even you don’t believe that someone could be so right about another person’s nature so quickly. This intuitive sense about what people are thinking is your special talent. You may think it is available to everyone and that others just ignore it, but in truth others could never develop the skill to the level which comes naturally to you.

To you everything happens on a personal level. Your friends come to you for advice because they know that you’ll love them for who they are and put yourself in their shoes to look at the world. Your advice, although varied in delivery, usually boils down to “be true to yourself” and “listen to your heart.”

You focus more on nurturing other’s self esteem than any other type. As a result of this naturally caring nature, people often turn to you for moral support. You exude this quality so strongly that even strangers will sometimes spontaneously begin confiding their deepest secrets in you.

You are by far the most talented of all types at reading nonverbal cues. In your admirable attempts to convey a message diplomatically, those who aren't sensitive to inflection, tone, insinuations or body language sometimes simply do not get your message because they only receive the verbal half of what you said.

In the same way that you're the best at reading nonverbal cues, you're also the best at sending them. When you speak they miss the nonverbal half of your message, then they speak and transmit twice the message (verbal + nonverbal) which often gives away more than they intended but is sometimes carelessly inaccurate since they don’t send nonverbal cues as well as you do. When you're tempted to assign bias based on someone’s tone or other nonverbal cues it is wise to have them restate what they said and see if ignoring the careless, unintentional nonverbal half of their message lets their true meaning through.

You are more philosophical than most and passionately discuss ethics and justice more than other types. Your life has meaning, your life is significant. It is when ethical issues come up in conversation that you most strongly sense that you are fundamentally different from other people. You become visually emotionally focused when these issues arise, while others easily laugh them off and switch topics to something trivial. To you, it seems that everyone should be passionate about ending racism, sexism and all the other –isms out there.

You go by the book and are suspicious of anyone suggesting that rules or laws should be ignored. You think constantly about improving laws, and see that at a major avenue for advancing social change because you see legislation and rule creation as the consensus opinion of the group working together. You want nothing more than for there to be peace and harmony in the world, and your actions clearly reflect that vision.

It is like you to find a cause, often relating to gender, racial, or social status issues, and play a role in advancing those issues. You are forever interested in the plights of subjugated people or classes and would love nothing more than to be the pivotal person to bring about a social change.

You tend to attribute more power to authority figures than is actually there, and assume that they are paying closer attention to you than they actually are (making yourself the “subjugated people”). It is looking up the chain of authority in which you are most likely to negatively misjudge someone’s intentions, and it is a good idea to consult good friends before assigning too much negative meaning to something an authority figure said or did.

You prefer to have variety at work, and are more suited to start your own projects than to pick up where someone else left off. You avoid the routine, and prefer tasks where your personal flair and inventiveness can shine through. You particularly enjoy organizing groups of people for an event.

As a parent you vacillate between being your child’s best friend and a stern authoritarian. You may make brash judgments about rules and guidelines, but when it comes to enforcing them you are likely to drop them if they threaten your rapport with your child… in fact, innately stern children report that parents of your type act a lot like children. You are skilled at turning any family event into a party. Your focus is making sure that your child has a strong self-image and high self-esteem. More than other parents it is important for you to be friends with your children.

You are constantly giving large and small praise to the people around you and delight when given praise for even the smallest things in return. You have a positive outlook on life and are enthusiastic and energetic.

You were successful as a student and knew exactly how comfortable you were with your teacher, your classroom, your classmates, etc. You may have had a slight test phobia because of your resistance to classifying and identifying only one answer as “correct” for any question. You did well not so much because of the subject, but because you loved the praise your teacher would give you for a job well done.

Your life has meaning, your life is significant. You think all people should spend more time thinking about who they are and what their purpose in life is.

6:26 PM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

I LIKE MY EYEBROWS

No, I didn't do anything with them. It's just one of those inane comments tt I put up. But seriously, I love the way they complement my eyes (like a bag or a pair of shoes), and they're not going to complement my eyes forever once they grow out and become ugly and bushy again. Ugh.

Anyway not much to say about today. Involves slacking, fetching the dad from the airport, and more slacking. But it DID involve a wonderful lunch of kway chup. I haven't had kway chup in a long long time coz of the whole 'must be healthy blah blah blah' thing, but to be honest, I LOVE kway chup.

I don't care what people say about the fat content or the amount of calories there are or the grossness of eating pig innards and the higher risk of sustaining heart disease or whatever blah blah blah... I love it. I love the large white slabs of yummy rice flour noodles (sort of) in dark salty soup, with salted vegetables and pig intestines (I LOVE PIG INTESTINES! Muahaha. Vegetarians beware me!) and pig skins (I LOVE PIG SKINS too!!!) and beancurd and egg.

So so so good. It's almost worth the exorbitant price you have to pay for a tiny plate of food, coz according to the Mom you're effectively paying for the effort involved in cleaning out the innards and stuff.

Ooh.

So yes, good, sinful unhealthy food. And now I HAVE to HAVE to exercise - I ALWAYS nua my weekend away - IBG/dragonboat training not included. And I have to do my readings for Trial Advo at least tomorrow. I tell you I have not prepared anything for so long I don't even KNOW where we've stopped for Company and Prop Law. ARGH I am so dead I should just take a gun out and shoot myself.

In fact, yesterday Zhiqian told me: "I heard you were One Of Those who never study until the exams come."

...

Now where did he hear THAT from???

Not that it's not true, but STILL!!!

Okay okay, back to pleadings. BTW, can someone kindly tell me how to get Prop Law cases off the net? Whatever hyperlinks were supposed to be in whatever documents do not seem to work at all.

Bah.

Oh, and I have decided NOT to pay $35 to torture myself in the Standard Chartered Half-Marathon at the end of this year. Hey, my cab fare + $12 + waking up at 3am on 26 September is more than enough for me, thank you very much. No more.

...

But, in other news... I love kway chup.

Just had to say tt again.

Excuse me, I'm just being inane.

Ooh, and the Victoria Secrets' Fashion Show is such an eye-opener. Perfect hair! Perfect lips! Perfect bodies! Flat stomachs! And I MEAN flat! Aah. Could not have thought of a better way to deflate my self-esteem further myself. :)

12:48 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

"I DON'T MIND SPENDING EVERYDAY, OUT ON YOUR CORNER IN THE POURING RAIN"

I cannot, absolutely cannot, get enuff of Maroon 5's 'She Will Be Loved'. Just when I think I'm over it I watch the MTV and I fall in love with it all over again. If this goes on I think I WILL fork out $20 for their CD after all.

Just can't help it when the song and the MTV resonates with you so much.

Today was IBG day. Went down early in the morning to swim 50m freestyle (or correctly known as front crawl), and then came back in the evening to run the killer 2.3km 96 bus route for Block B. Not too happy with my results. Think I averaged about 12 minutes, but I could have done at least a minute better had I really piahed all the way back. BAH.

Irritated.

But funny thing is after the run the soles of my feet burrrrrned. Ow ow ow.

Ooh, but now I feel inspired to learn the Butterfly. It's such a fast and powerful stroke. Only thing is when I voiced my ambition, my hall mates looked at me as if I were crazy. Coz according to them learning the Butterfly will give you big arms and broad shoulders.

Both of which I already have, thank you very much.

Anyway for some reason I seemed to give the impression tt I had ballet experience. Which is possibly the strangest thing I've heard. Because aren't ballerinas supposed to be all graceful and lithe and slim? And I look like The Chunky Monkey?

Besides tt, I'm kind of disturbed by the fact that I am a New Senior. It's bad enough to be labelled a senior coz tt seems to imply tt you are Old. Or rather, mature, seasoned, controlled blah blah blah. But truth be told I still feel like a freshie. I still WANT to be a freshie!!! And the only thing worse than Senior is New Senior coz not only are you Old, but you feel so inexperienced and lost, just like a freshie. Bah.

After Road Relay my mom took me for a yummy pizza and pasta meal at Casa Roma. I have fallen in love with the pasta in creamy tomato sauce with bacon and mushrooms. Absolute YUM.

But after tt I had to set up the VCR. For everyone who thinks tt Only Childs are spoilt brats, you are wrong. About me at least. This Only Child has the highly significant duty of installing all electronic and computer hardware into the home for her parents. This includes VCRs, DVD and VCD players, computer hardware and software, printers, scanners and radios.

I swear my parents secretly wanted a boy.

In other news, just wanted to say tt from reading the newspapers, I actually feel heartened by the policy changes tt Lee Hsien Loong wishes to implement. Despite the cynical responses from a lot of people including the parents, I believe tt he really is making an effort to deal with the current problems permeating our society, like changing the education policy ('Teach less; Learn More') and implementing more child care benefits for the working woman and man. Altho admittedly he's left people out, I sometimes wonder if maybe we complain too much and expect our government to do too much for us.

If there is 1 thing S'poreans are good at doing, it's complaining. Seriously. I don't know what is wrong with us as a nation. Are we not getting enough love or recognition tt complaining is some kind of magical outlet for our frustrations? Even the dress code in NUS has been complained abt. WTF? Who are you are what fucking God-given right do you have to tell us how or how not to dress?

It reminds me of tt night during dragonboat training when we were running upslope and I was trying to encourage this junior of mine to keep enduring, and then I almost crashed into the stupid woman walking down the slope who knew tt we were running her way, refused to budge or move out of the way and continued walking towards us, and when we approached said in this loud, bitchy, all-mighty God-given right coz I'm older kind of voice: "Watch where you're running!"

And I remember being so pissed off tt I yelled back "Watch where you're walking... Bitch!"

I felt so good after tt coz I think she deserved it. And fuck her if she writes in to complain. I bet she'd be the sort.

...

BTW, doesn't it seem strange tt whenever some people describe some people, esp guy friends who are relatively good-looking, they always say tt they look like illegal VCD sellers? Are illegal VCD sellers tt good-looking meh?

Lastly, I've been thinking back to one of the punchlines of my A-Level Econs course. I rem Barnard saying, or rather insinuating, tt while the standard of living worldwide may have improved, the quality of life may have deteriorated.

I knew, but did not care or understand then. Now, 2 years on, having seen marginally more and having gone through more self-reflection thru Hallaq especially, I'm beginning to understand and appreciate.

We have more physically, but we have less emotionally. We have so much wealth and comfort, but we are not content enough. We have so much choice, but we place too much value on all the wrong things. We can have so many opportunities, but we allow ourselves to fear and regret too much.

2:08 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

TEMPER TEMPER

If you haven't yet guessed, my temper's a lot worse now than it was before. I get irritated more easily and I lose my cool a lot faster too. Maybe it's sleep-deprivation. Maybe it's just PMS. Maybe I'm just over the edge.

But what I do know: I hate people who disagree with me without reason. Especially when I know to the deep-down core of my elitist arrogant I-am-better-than-thou bones tt I am Right. There is no question. There is no 'think'. There is no '99%'. It just is. Right.

Therefore if I'm right, you're wrong. And tt's the bottomline coz Izzy said so.

Also, there are the condemned, the Condemned, and the CONDEMNED. And the CONDEMNED almost became my advo partner. Thank God I told him I couldn't be his partner. Seeing him argue with Jothie about tradition being 'bad' and modernity being 'good' in his narrow-minded, pig-brained, chauvinistic, arrogant way just made me so irritated it was all I could do to keep my mouth shut and not tell him what a bloody pig-brained moron he was. I already told someone tt if I were to work with him, I'd end up beating him up.

Correction: I think I'd probably punch his guts out after the first 5 minutes.

CONDEMNED.

12:53 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

LIFE AS I LIVE IT

Hmm. Can't really think of a suitable title for the post. Yesterday was what I would call an ok day - not ok in terms of nothing happening, but ok in terms of all the good and bad episodes cancelling each other out.

Morning started slow with a useless Company Law lecture tt involved me realising just how fucking screwed I am for tt module. And then my great ambition to finish my Property Law tutorial failed miserably. Because I seem to like sleep too much.

So for Property Law tutorial at 1pm I was sitting there smoking. Or praying tt the tutor would call me for a question I could smoke. I was incredibly lucky coz she did, and a totally unprepared answer actually sounded 'good' to her. Thank God for small mercies.

After tt was my fave lecture - Comparative Legal Traditions. I swear, I love Hallaq. I don't care tt he's incredibly biased or speaks with an accent or mumbles, his lessons continue to enthrall me every time. And I actually volunteered to answer a question for the first time in years, and he was actually impressed with tt answer. Impressing your fave lecturer is something tt just puts you right over the moon.

After tt was training. It wasn't as xiong as usual coz we played Captains' Ball. But some assholes from KR who were playing soccer in the bball court were fucking adamant on keeping their court even tho we had actually made a booking. They spoke to Vic and Mona like they wanted to pick a fight, which pissed me off extremely coz both Vic and Mona were extremely civil and didn't derserve such treatment. I think these guys should go back to primary school and re-learn basic manners. Anyway they kept demanding to see proof of our booking, so I went up and I asked them if they'd booked the court.

To which they'd said 'No.'

I think I was pretty pissed off. I wanted to punch 2 of them. In fact, if they'd demanded to see a booking slip from ME I would drag them off to SRC and show them the fucking log book. But for some reason they didn't ask tt of me. Which was a pity coz this time I was really spoiling for a fight.

So we made a compromise. We took half a court and we let them have the other half. Of course they continued to be assholes but I guess Vic and Mona could handle them. The rest of us just played ball, or in my case, tried to. The taller ones had it a lot easier, and suffice to say Yirang and Amy were like the star players of our respective teams.

I think I like Yirang. She's damn funny. :P

If only it could be easier to talk to the rest of the juniors. Serene asked me why I wasn't speaking to them. To be honest I don't want to right now. Not tt I have anything against of any of them coz I don't, it's just that I'm tired of trying, tired of socialising, tired of thinking of what to say all the time and acting all happy and cheery and friendly.

Anyway after tt we went to the gym, and dinner after tt. But instead of going for dinner I rushed to YIH to catch the last part of Singapore Idol. Whoopdeedoo. I rushed in when Idol No. 8 (yuck. Stupid name) starts singing, so I happily miss David who's Number 7. BAH. And No. 8 is this Echo Boy who's trying to relive his embarassing boy band days. *shudder* But I like Oli Cho tho. She was amazing in the studio and she sounds almost as good on tv. Amazing.

Wasted $2.50 on David from YIH to hall, repeatedly dialling his number like some compulsive freak. Met Zhiqian on the bus too, so I gave him said number to support our 'next Singapore Idol'.

But it was worth it. Coz David got into the Top Ten!!! WHOO HOO!!! It wasnt't unexpected coz he's damn good and his singing has improved amazingly, but there was just this whole window period of nervousness for him. Dammit part of me still wishes I was at Caldecott with everyone else instead of in school, sharing his joy from afar. But tt's secondary. I'm just so happy for him now.

But this probably means tt the rest of my CLT lectures will constitute an empty seat next to me.

No matter. David deserves his dreams. Altho he's not well-liked by everyone coz of his OTTness, he's not a malicious person by intent. He's actually a damn nice guy. And yes, I'm very very happy for him.

Anyway after tt I met Jane and we went to Chinablack for the Sports Bash. My first clubbing experience in 6 or 7 weeks. It was a lot of fun just dancing, even tho I didn't drink, but while there were a lot of ups, I think clubbing has lost the euphoric effect it once had on me. Either tt or I REALLY have to drink to experience euphoria clubbing again.

Jason sent me back to hall coz I fucking lost my money. Was nice of him, but a bit awkward coz I don't know him, had nothing much to say, and was not in the mood to make conversation. Oh well.

1:47 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

OF ZOMBIES AND SLOW-MOVING VEHICLES

Note: Post is being written during Company Law lecture where ppt slides are so extensive tt lecturer believes tt reading off them constitutes a lecture.

I had a dream last night. This dream involved me and a mob of flesh-eating zombies. Or rather, the premise of the dream involved me and my mom (?!) driving in her car to NUS (or rather some huge lodge-like house in the middle of nowhere i.e. with long winding dark road not unlike the one leading from PGP to Buona Vista Science Park) late at night. Makes for a really good horror story doesn’t it? In any case as usual we played the lead characters – the unsuspecting (and unintelligent) heroines who needed to pass something to someone (for reasons unknown) in NUS.

So she disappears into the house, I stay in the car (which is a really old brown hatchback), and then I get set upon by characters right off the set of 28 Days Later. They stream from the house dragging their feet (okay, more like Resident Evil) with their eyes fixated on me, and although they look vaguely humanoid you can tell tt they are really keen to have you for dinner.

So I try to drive out of the place, and then you get this pretty retarded scene of myself with absolutely no driving licence and knowledge of how to use a manual shift gear (which incidentally is the gear of the car) trying to get the thing to move.

It does move. In reverse. In a very zig-zag way.

It’s horrible. I’m moving a car backwards in a zig-zag fashion in slow motion out the drive way as a pack of flesh-eating zombies are descending on me. You can actually watch as they draw nearer, or as some stick their fingers through the half-open windows of your vehicle, as you in some half-panicked, half-calm state try to get yourself the hell out of there. And my mom pops out from somewhere completely unharmed and unzombified and somehow manages to make it to the car as I am driving it at a speed tt is faster than tt of the flesh-eating zombies.

I swear you just cannot understand dreams.

And yes, we do get out of the place, with me driving in reverse in a zig-zag fashion in slow motion.

And when I wake up from the dream I wonder if:

a.) I’m not praying enough.
b.) I’m not taking the 7^th Month seriously enough with all my late night runs.
c.) My sub-conscious is turning all the people in NUS who are seriously pissing me off into my nightmares.

....

In other news, I think my moods are sugar-dictated. When I try to refrain from taking sweets all in the name of maximising training potential, I get really down and depressive sometimes. And then when I meet up with my 2 best girl friends and have in 1 night, fluffy egg tarts and almond cream at Crystal Jade, and later a muddy mud pie and a chocolate truffle at Coffee Club, I feel TONS better immediately.

I'm still trying to ascertain if it's the sugar-high or the company.

Maybe it's both.

In other other news, I feel bad coz my hall mates are making an effort to include me in the culture. Girls like Beidi and Delfine are coming around and saying 'hi' and inviting me to meals... and I don't know what I can do to reciprocate. I really appreciate the effort and I love having people like them around, but I really wish I could do a lot more. Like hang out with them more, just be friendlier, but yet my life style right now makes it so hard tor eally interact. BAH!!!

And lastly, another Sgboy.com Dragonboat pic. I SWEAR it is amazing what blog-voyeuring can lead you to.

10:26 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

I'M NOT SUPERWOMAN

I think I'm being too hard on myself. Yes yes yes, I am finally admitting tt. Was pretty ambitious today. My plan was to go for lecture at 9am, collect mailbox key, go for brunch with Geox at 10+am, go buy laundry basket from PGP with James, come back to vacuum room and do general housekeeping, make it for Law FCG meeting at 1pm, go to gym, run and IBG swimming training at 5.15pm, meet Yuwei and Kai for dinner at 7pm, and come back and do Prop tutorial at 11+pm, 12am.

What I really did: lecture at 9am, collect mailbox key + go for MDC elections + visit James + collect laundry basket from PGP, vacuum room and head down for Law FCG meeting at 1pm. And come back and SLEEP all the way from 3-something pm to 6.30pm, wake up hurriedly to meet Yuwei and Kai at 7.30pm for yummy dinner at Crystal Jade at Holland V, and come back around 12am to do my tutorial.

So much for my ambitious training plans.

But seriously lah, I think I'm over-training. There is fit and there is obsessive-compulsive training, and right now when I look at my schedule and I'm wondering why the fuck I'm parcelling out at least 3 to 4 hours of my day to physical training, I think I need to re-plan my time.

And I need to put my foot down. I can't keep doing everything I can to make other people happy. I have to live for myself. I have to do the things tt make me happy. I shouldn't be stressing myself so much, putting so much pressure on myself, etc. Because I can't take it. Kai says there is no glow in my eyes. I don't look physically tired, but she knows I am. And she's right. And it's only the third week of school.

I was coming up with this theory on the bus. I realise tt if I were to sleep 3 hours less every night, I would be a lot more effective. There is a lot more you can do with 3 hours less sleep. More training, more work, more studying. That's where you can put your time. The downside is 3 hours less makes me more tired, more drained, and it makes me a meaner person.

I say this coz when I lack sleep, all the thoughts tt run through my head just aren't nice. I try to be a nice person. Or at least, not as bitchy as I think I can be. But when I am sleep-deprived... muahaha. I have absolutely nothing nice to say to and about anyone. I think the worst of people. I am filled with curses and lots and lots of sardonic one-liners. I can't even sit 5 minutes on the bus without coming up with mental insults for all the PRCs tt board the bus.

Wahaha. So, should I be more effective and meaner, or less efficient and nicer?

Or should I really just tell everyone tt I'm just going to do what I like, regardless of their expectations of me, coz I just want to be happy and not burn myself into a wreck? :)

2:15 AM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

There is nothing that a good run, a good friend, and a good conversation can't heal.

3:43 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

FUCK IT LAH

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to feel. I don't even know why I should be so affected. What is it with people? For all the few one or two who brighten up your life, there is everyone else who just CAN'T BE BOTHERED.

I wish I could say a big FUCK OFF to all of them. Seriously.

But I can't.

I hate seeing my good friend so troubled and burdened and stressed, and feel so helpless coz I can't do anything to help.

I hate losing my temper when I used to think I could keep it under control. It shouldn't be tt way. I shouldn't be scaring off people, and I know I already have. Even when I temper my words, once I'm angry, it shows all over my face, and I hate it, absolutely hate it, when I get these looks of fear and wariness. And whatever you've been working for, it's just gone and you have to start all over again.

I hadn't eaten much, but I'd no appetite. I simply didn't want to eat. Didn't find my food appetising. Was eating only because I had to. Don't know why I'd be so affected, but I am.

I don't get it. Why do you even join if you don't want to give it your all? If you don't even care? What? Do we have no life just because we train a lot? What constitutes a life to you? Shopping? Hanging out with your bf? Why can't you even pretend to care? What does this all mean to you? If you don't care, then why should we even bother?

Fuck it lah.

11:52 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

AFFIRMATION

My posts have been looking shorter, a lot less detailed, incredibly cryptic, some say boring, and totally un-blog-like. So just wanted to put in a nice long post here to make up. Muahaha.

Missed my company law lecture. Could wake up for it, but knew, just knew, tt I wouldn't be able to stay awake through lecture. Gotta read the PPT and make up on my own now I guess. :)

Anyway Monday was life-affirming. How so? Firstly, hung out with a nice bunch of girls from Law eating ice-cream at Venezia. Ice-cream at Venezia with people who have nice memories of the place is ALWAYS a good thing. Gossip over ice-cream is always even better. Muahaha.

Came back for Trial Advo. Don't know how to describe it. Lecturer is good, lecture seems to work, but when you get quizzed on the info you're like one big HUH? But after tt it got subsequently better. Came back to hall for some sleep, Mona came over and uh... "settled some stuff" as she said. Meaning more gossip, a lot of laughter, only 5 minutes of sleep, but a lot of fun. Muahaha. And then we met Yunshan, Serene and Geox at SRC for gym sessions (endurance. ugh.) and 10km run.

As usual, I nearly died. Mona says my running technique is wrong. I think so too. But I'm trying to improve. Ugh, like imagine, no wonder I'm getting gigantic calf muscles. Went for dinner around 9.45pm after missing 2 96 buses coz they were PACKED! Didn't eat enough tho. Oh well. The coach has asked all of us to lose weight. For me, it's between 3 and 5 kg. I'm like, HUH? I can't even seem to lose 1, let a lone 3. Ugh. Doesn't help when in the same breath he recommends more bread, rice and bananas to you.

Came back, walk from the 96 busstop to hall inclusive (do you expect me to RUN?!) around 11pm. Just in time to wash my clothes. Muahaha. Stupid washing machines. Had to get a senior to help me with them. Fell so helpless. Bah. But anyway clothes got washed the right way, and I had a nice long 3 hour chat with Wanyi!!!

I love Wanyi!!! She's life-affirming. Thank you babe. :)

...
...

And my posts are still short, cryptic and un-blog-like. OH WELL. Maybe when I get more inspiration.

2:01 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

And I was answered.
Thank you.

1:38 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

If I call, will you answer? Will you open the door when I knock?
Will I be turned away as I fear I will? Or entertained only out of courtesy?
Lost will I have someone to go to, lonely someone to hear me out?
All these fears tt inhibit me, all these courtesies tt make me hide away
Wanting something familiar to cling on to, yet despising myself for not being strong enough.
If I cry out will you be scared away?
Will you be repulsed by a display of need?
Is there someone I can count on without worrying if I am disturbing you?
Or am I just to depend on myself?

2:12 AM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

DEPRESSED

Can't think of a more creative title. Too bad, so sad. Not in the mood to think or innovate anyway. I hate feeling this way, hate feeling sorry for myself, hate feeling self-pitying. I think tt people who pity themselves, who go "I'm such a poor thing!", who think tt the whole world owes them a living and blame it and everyone else if they can't get their own acts together, are the sorriest most pathetic bunch of losers on the face of their earth.

And yet here am I, in the same camp. Doing my best not to blame God or anyone else for my depression, but failing. Trying not to ask myself what is wrong with me, why I am such a pathetic loser, why I don't seem to be any good at anything I do, and failing.

Have been trying to be strong for so long. Cutting off the ties that strangle me, learning to stand on my own two feet, choosing happiness and choosing life and avoiding everything tt is ugly or abhorred to myself, and finally, I can't do it.

Was deleting the emails in my mailbox, and realise tt I am keeping a lot more of them than I should. Funny how you can read stuff tt moved you 2, 3 years ago, and still feel affected as you re-read them now. Funny how you are moved to think again, to feel again, to reminisce again and wonder whether the choices you made then, as well as the ones you make everyday after, were the right ones.

Sue's sent me an email from half a world away, and I know what she means. I understand, and so far it seems like the best advice to me. The friends who will like me, will like me because of what I am and not what I try to be. I acknowledge tt I am very different from a lot of people around me. I'm rarely on the same wavelength with people, and if I am, it's usually an effort on my part to be on the same wavelength as them. There are a lot of things tt I don't do normally tt I do to make myself fit in, which is why at the end of it I feel so drained but not much better than when I'd first begun.

I guess you're right after all. I shouldn't be trying so hard, shouldn't be placing such unrealistic expectations on myself. I'm not God or superwoman and I should appreciate that. I'm not the person who can juggle school and family and cca and sport and hall perfectly. I shouldn't try to make myself fit into other people's moulds; I should be happy with what and who I am, and if I can't be accepted or related to, then so be it.

It's one of those moments of clarity tt you achieve after a good night's rest of sleep and it comes at the point when you are so shattered and tired out and you ask yourself what the fuck you thought you were doing?

I thought I had been past all this. Past caring what the fuck people thought. For a long time it had worked. Not happy, fuck off. You insult me or my team mates, you get it back twice as hard. You hit me, I whack you back. And then somewhere along the lines in my fight for acceptance, it started to matter again. It's scary how people who barely know you can draw conclusions from how you look, how you act, how you behave within moments of knowing you, and suddenly you wonder what they think about you, what they're saying about you behind your back. And you know you're not perfect and you think tt if you don't gossip or spread rumours, people won't do tt about you too, but you know now tt you're wrong and tt it can happen anytime anywhere and it's the scariest revelation you've made.

You don't know who to trust, where to turn.

And at the end of it when you're so tired again, of worrying and caring about everyone else, you're back to square 1. Where once again you re-affirm tt promise to yourself, to do what you like, what makes you happy, and to fuck what everyone else thinks.

Hmm. I feel better now.

3:01 PM - add eprops - add comments - email it

THINKING TOO MUCH, LIVING TOO LITTLE

Essentially I think this is about it. I feel like a fucked-up mess coz I think way too much, but I don't allow myself to live enough. I don't know why I should be unhappy or depressed or lonely coz it seems like life is going the way I want it to, but honestly, I am.

It's all about balance, isn't life? Balance between work and play, your social life, your activities, etc. Well, let's just say I've far from mastered the balance game. I'm in a position to have the most of a life, the largest social circle, the most fun, but yet I don't have much of a life, no social circle, and not much fun. Coz I can't keep a balance.

I want it all; law school, hall life, dragonboat, but yet in my 24 hours in a day I don't seem to be getting anywhere. I know many people by face and name, and I can hold a conversation with almost anyone in law school, yet I have no close friends there, no one I can talk to or hang out with or even just study with on a regular basis. I am mingling with my hall people, going for hall events as much as school and dragonboat trainings and my family life allow, yet it's far from enough coz hall seems to be a 24/7 type commitment, and I can't seem to spread myself thinly enough coz of all my other obligations tt I am reluctant to give up. And coz I've come in late I know I have to do a lot more and socialise a lot more to break into the established cliques, and tho everyone is really friendly I just feel like I'm not able to do it, not able to make headway. It's not like I'm not trying, it's just tt socialising is the most tiring activity for me. Socialising is not natural to me, it's an effort, and it takes up a lot of energy. Sometimes I can't do it, I'm too tired, I don't have enough sleep, I have too much things on my mind, too much else to think about and worry about and try to balance, and as a result I can't think of what to say, what to do. Everything's just a blank and I feel so helpless. I wish there were people tt I could just talk to without feeling self-conscious, embarrassed; people I could confide in my true feelings and insecurities without making them feel like I'm burdening them or making it seem like I'm too exclusive, but at this point in time I feel like I'm up against insurmountable walls.

I just don't think tt I'm good enough, eloquent enough, friendly enough, confident enough, and altho I'm trying I just feel exhausted and defeated. And then even for dragonboat I really do love my girls, but while we have bonded as a team it feels like our lives don't cross otherwise. I can talk about training and life in general, but I don't know if I can confide my secrets, my insecurities, my worries to them because it just feels so far out.

I wish tt my circles could cross more. There is a potential but somehow it never happens for me. I wish there was someone in my hall who is also in law school, or my team, or something like tt so tt the other facets of my life can be more understood and I wouldn't feel so isolated otherwise. I wish tt I can have khakis to run with, gym with and swim with, without adding any more pressure on myself than I already have. I wish I could find people to study with who know how and when to have fun, or vice versa.

But at this point in time it's just a big No No No. And I feel like I'm just going to break all over again.

8:00 PM - 6 eprops - 5 comments - email it

Suddenly I just feel so depressed and so lonely, and I don't even know why.

1:46 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

BURN MOTHERFUCKER BURN

Was watching Fahrenheit 9/11 in Wanyi's room. One of the thought-provoking moments came when they were showing scenes of the so-called 'war' in Iraq, where US troops were plyed with heavy rock music like Bloodhound Gang's Fire Water Burn to pump themselves up for blowing things up.

And then while we were watching napalm-injured victims writhe in pain as parts of their faces and heads were being stitched together, or as the buildings were blazing as a soldier sang the song with great conviction, one of the neighbour's popped by Wanyi's room around 2.40am in the morning and said: "It's on fire!"

An oil refinery on Jurong Island (I think) was burning, and you could see the flame blazing right from the hall. There was a huge orange glow in the sky like sun set in the darkness of the night, and the feeling of fearful surreality was at its peak.

For a moment, we thought we were under attack.

The roof is on fire
We don't need no water
Let the motherfucker burn

5:06 AM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

Whenever my hall people meet me I'm either:

a) coming from; or
b) going for

1. dragonboat training
2. gym training
3. running training

They have therefore come to the conclusions tt I am:
a. crazy
b. damn sporty (which is why I have been asked to take part in games from touch rug to soccer to netball (!!), when I've said tt I have no ball sense and I can do is run)
c. crazy
d. damn freaking fit (which I am NOT. I still run at the bloody pace of fast snail. Faster, but STILL snail.)
e. crazy

Anyway it seems tt staying in hall, somehow you don't know where tt 24 hours in your day goes to. Especially when you are in law school where you are supposed to have a lot of free time. Wake up, lecture(s), tutorial(s), training (okay, training takes up between 1 and 4 hours of my time everyday), block meetings, block social interaction... and then it's sleepy-time. UH... And I'm wondering where all my time for readings and tutorials is going to. What is worse is tt in my free time I'm playing a Popcap.com game of Zuma. 12 levels of it at least 3 times a day.

And lastly, I don't know how to operate the washing machine. My washed clothes need to be re-washed. Ugh.

12:25 AM - add eprops - add comments - email it

LIFE AS A HOSTELITE - DAY 1.5

Yes, I promised tt my next entry would be from the confines/comfort of my new hall, and tho late, the promise has been kept. Muahaha. Had intended to write this sooner, but well, Sunday was sheer exhaustion.

In the morning, I woke up around 6am for the Nike Real Run. Which started around 8.45am. Bloody hell. And the Nike Real Run should have just been renamed the Nike Real Walk.

It started out ok. Was running with my teammates (the only girls I know besides Jane crazy enough to sign up for such masochistic episodes) Geox, Vic, Wendy and Cheeling. I'd expected a fun run for the free T-shirts, but the moment we started cheonging from the start I was like... Oh no. Fun run my ass. This was like a hyper training killer run, more like.

Once we hit the sand, tt was it. Geox and I just let the three of them fade into the distance. We just walked. All the sand-runners just overtook us. And all I could think of was "Where is the next water point? Where is the next water point?"

Oh well. So much for Real Run. Hey, at least we got the shirt.

Muahaha.

On the other hand, now I'm wondering what on EARTH I was thinking signing up for the AHM? Can you imagine taking a CAB at 5am in the morning and paying midnght surcharge to go and RUN and torture yourself? Yeesh.

Anyway I came back home from the Run around 1+, 2pm, expecting my parents to be out so tt I could get some rest. But no... My parents decided to happily change their plans and move my stuff into hall. So by 2pm I was out once again shifting my huge bag of clothes, toiletries, printer, Bailey's (yes, I have a bottle of unopened Bailey's in my room now) etc etc etc from my room to my dad's car to my hall room. And because we didn't know how to enter my hall's carpark, I moved my stuff through another block to my own. Ridiculous. I wanted to DIE I was so tired.

Went home again after tt and had yummy home-cooked meal at home. Then I came back to hall to unpack all the stuff I brought over. Ooh, now Sam and Wanyi are 1 level below me and Jane is only a hall or 3 away. :) Barely 20 minutes after I settled my stuff, Beidi my block head (altho I didn't know till later) happily jioed Sam for a jog.

"Jog, or run?" I asked.

"Jog."

And so I went along. Apparently it's an IBG Road Relay 'fun run'/training thingy. Sheares to RH + bus 96 route around Central Library + back to Sheares. I ran the wrong way, which was shorter, but yes, the entire time I was asking myself what the bloody hell I was doing to myself. Yes, Coach David wants me to lose 3kg (tough enough as tt is), but ARGH. This is nuts. I am nuts. I ought to be cracked or something.

Came back from the run for the Seniors' meeting (still sticky and smelly and sweaty) which lasted till 1+am. Took my shower (in ice-cold water coz I didn't know I had to turn on a heater) around 2+am and subsequently CONCUSSED.

That's why I didn't blog last night.

Besides, this morning, I had a Property Law lecture at 9am. Had a 2 hour brunch with my last sem's legal writing TG, then had Joanna helpfully retrieve my stuff from my mailbox (key's still lost, so I haven't collected or looked at my notes AT ALL since the sem started). Went for Trial Advo lecture after tt, which was more like some funny quiz thing, then met Azmin, Nick and June at the Bizad canteen by chance. In the end I went to Funan with Nick to get speakers for my laptop (Altec Lansing on his prompting. Now I have quality sound production! Yay!), and came back to hall to unwrap my speakers, get hooked on the new Popcap game Zuma (NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!) and meet Melissa and Geox for a 'fun training session' at SRC around 6.15pm.

Fun training session my ass. Firstly, we wasted half an hour looking for each other in all the wrong places. Secondly, it wasn't just Melissa and Geox, it was Yunshan and Serene also (my seniors who are damn onz). We had a gym session where Geox and I were 'challenged' to increase our weights (damn scary lah), and then inspite of Geox's and my attempts to bargain, we ran the 6km route. Note 2 things: 1) Melissa and Serene are damn piah about running, and are tt damn good at it. 2) Only Geox and I ran the Nike Real Run.

Finished 6km in 39.18 min, which is damn good. Yay! Under 40. But obviously *I* think I've lost my mind. Rushed back to hall for the block meeting at 8.30pm 10 min late, then had supper with Sam, Wanyi and Jane at FS around 10.30pm. Had the chance to go to Eusoff to visit Jane's room and talk to Alex for a while, who is DAMN stressed about his work. I've NEVER seen anyone try to read Kevin Tan's SLS textbook with such determination before.

So now I'm back at 1+am and bathed. Need to wash my clothes but 1) realise the washing machine doesn't take Dynamo, so I gotta get a new brand of soap powder; and 2) I must pay to wash my clothes. Dammit. *growl*

Okay, so tt's about it for two days. Tomorrow, I MUST buy soap powder. Still got training and more running!!! ARGH!!! And apparently on Wed night I have to forgo Mambo for Road Relay training some more. *sigh*

Cannot make it. Cannot make it.

2:19 AM - 8 eprops - 7 comments - email it

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Finally. A chance to blog. This will probably be the last time I'm blogging from home (unless I get sudden inspiration tonight). My next post will probably from the confines of hall (big big yippee). But anyway this will be a long post to make up for the utter nonsense tt I've been posting, coz it will be covering quite a few topics.

Like:
1.) Politics
2. ) Law
3.) Tee-Vee
4. ) My life

Forgive me if this reads like a essay.

1.) On Politics

As of Thursday 12 August 2004 Lee Hsien Loong is now the Prime Minister of Singapore. The coronation ... I mean swearing-in of our new PM Lee was broadcast on all 4 free-to-air channels, but of course I didn't catch it coz I was a) splashing water on myself at the NUS SRC pool with a paddle during training or b) waiting half-a-freaking-hour for the elusive bus 96 to fetch my teammates and I to dinner.

What can I say? His appointment as new PM, though not unexpected, is of course a contreversial one. For people like my parents who are fiercely in support of the opposition, it's a continuation of the Lee Dynasty and according to my mom "very dark days ahead for Singapore". Me? I'm keeping quiet about the whole thing. Main reason being because inspite of the obvious ties between father and son and other unsubtle signs of nepotism like the entire family being appointed heads of various government ministries (Lee Hsien Yang is head of HSA; Ho Ching is head of Temasek Holdings, the father is heading GIC etc etc etc), I respect Lee Hsien Loong. Or at least, from his appearances in public, his speeches etc. Even though some may say tt he's in power because of his father, I don't think life as PM is going to get any easier. There are always a lot of things to see to, a lot of work tt needs to be done, and there is a greatly added pressure from everyone else, because people will no doubt be comparing him to his father constantly. Be it the public, other heads of state, even ministers of his own cabinet, will definitely be watching to see him trip up. Doesn't help tt his own father is now an MM (Minister Mentor. IMHO they should just have named him Very Senior Minister). Some people say tt with his father in the cabinet as well, he'll have thins easy with his own father guiding him. In my opinion, I think it's more like added STRESS. I will NEVER work in the board of a company where my father is working. I'd just die.

So yes, here's to the new PM. I've always respected Goh Chok Tong, and I think tt he's done a fantastic job in his last 14 yeas here. The court is still out on the verdict of the new PM, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. His approach is definitely not the same as his father's (thank goodness), but I hope he won't lose the need to connect with the people in his policies. Because IMHO, the problem with us Singaporeans now is tt we don't care, and I think tt getting us to care is an important part of policy now.

2.) On Law

Company Law. *yawn* Property Law *yawn*. Comparative Legal Traditions. *anti-yawn*

Okay, I'll admit it. I enjoy Comparative Legal Traditions. Doesn't help tt I'm always right in front of my lecturer's line of vision. But the topic really is interesting. Doing the readings struck me as sucky coz there's a lot to read and a lot more to understand, but listening to the lectures, questioning the very things tt we used to take for granted, it's highly interesting to me.

Traditions. Right now we haven't even gone to the legal aspects yet. We're just discussing traditions. What makes a tradition. How is a tradition different from a culture. Which is older, the concept of tradition or the concept of the state? How is a tradition formed? What heralds the disintegration of one?

Funny how you come to realise tt even the so-called Reasonable Man and the rejection of tradition (i.e. the static unthinking acceptance of age-old tradition using time and habit as the authority) is a tradition in itself. The tradition of reason. The tradition of intolerance (of other traditions). Even if a person does not behave as the rest of a society does, it doesn't mean he's not traditional. He could be part of a minority tradition, or follows a tradition tt aims to be different from the norm.

There is so much room for discussion and so much open to intepretation. What constitues a tradition to one may not constitute a tradition to another. I can't wait to start on the various laws of the world. I know for one tt Islamic law as it was written then is a very progressive/tolerant law, but has been abused and twisted by power-hungry men for their own means. I've never come across Jewish law, or any other law apart from Singapore/UK Common Law and an awareness of French and Canadian Civil Law, and it's fun to know tt I'm going to delve into all of them in the coming weeks.

3.) On Tee-Vee

I love Nip/Tuck. It's a pity tt the season has ended, but I love the way it explores so many contreversial issues and delves into potentially deep/dangerous territory, without losing a somewhat lighthearted tone to everything.

And Singapore Idol... I can't say tt much about what I'm not supposed to talk about, but from what I've seen, the talent tt stands out REALLY stands out. But the others are more or less let-downs. And somehow, there's something wrong with the judges. People like Dick Lee come across as too wannabe to me. And Mediacorp is not doing itself a favour by advertising the show using the meanest and most down-putting comments of the judges as 'memorable lines'.

Lastly, every Friday the 13th, TV will ALWAYS air a Jason show. If it isn't Friday the 13th, it's Jason X, Jason Goes to Hell, etc etc etc. *yawn*

4.) On My Life

Suffice to say, I'm happy with my life. Okay, not so much happy, but content. Right now all is going well for me. Not tt I'm doing everything I want to do - i.e. I'm not running much, which is BAD coz the Nike Real Run is tomorrow and I think I'm pretty much UN-fit enough to take 2 hours to complete the bloody run, a fact tt I am sadly resigned to coz I just want the T-shirt; I am still no-waisted and big-armed - but I'm more or less in a phase of stability, which is good. One thing tho, 3 of my best friends are (re)attached/going out with guys, and it's so weird coz muahaha, NOW I'm REALLY feeling left on the shelf.

But oh well, apart from tt, YES, I'm happy. YES, I feel like my life has meaning and I'm fulfilled. YES, I still think tt I am better than half the people in the world.

Go me.

1:18 PM - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

Nothing much to say today. Well, actually I have quite a bit to say, but since I'm STILL at home and my MOM has been repeatedly telling me to get off the comp, I obviously cannot say it.

So I'll just leave you with this question:

If girls like Kristin Kreuk and Mischa Barton are hot, then isn't Eva Mendes FIRE? :)

Muahaha. You guys can go drool about her while I go print out my notes. Yuck, I'm beginning to get sick of my blog skin. But I'd rather live with this ugly page layout than pay a single cent. Muahaha.

8:49 PM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

DIS-ORIENTATION

I haven't blogged for too long. My mind's out-of-sync with what I want to say. It's like I have a million things to talk about, but I don't even know where to begin and what to say. Oh well.

Surprise surprise. After preparing the freshies/juniors for law school/dragonboat training etc etc etc, I've come to realise tt *I* am damn unprepared for school. I'm not in a 'study-mode' at all. I haven't looked at consecutive pages of words for so long tt 59 pages of an INTRODUCTORY chapter to Comparative Legal Traditions is a visual and intellectual nightmare for me. I *still* have to get tt reading finished as well as 2 more apparently VERY difficult chapters read by tomorrow. Argh. Why can't Law School academics be more concise??? Or at least use Plain English???

The past week has been crazy. I've been going to school for 9am lectures EVERY DAY and going home at 10pm and 11pm at night respectively. And no if you're wondering, I'm not staying in hall yet. I've checked in and I WANT to move in but my parents absolutely INSIST tt I must wait till the weekend. I bet they want to keep me at home longer. But their good intentions tho understandable, are damn jialat for me. I HATE it when I have only 1 lecture in the morning, and then a super long break till like, training at 6pm in the evening. I hate having to study in the law library coz the whir of the air-conditioner always puts me to sleep (plus the air dries up my eyes), and when I go back to my hall room to study I can't even take a much-needed 2 hour nap coz I have no bedsheets, no pillows etc etc etc. ARGH. This sucks. And to top it off, I can't club at all this week coz I'm not in hall. I missed mambo night with Wanyi, Sam and Jane, and I'm currently sitting on my butt at home while Law Bash is going on at Chinablack. Imagine tt, the very first Law Bash tt I'm missing, when the rest of my OG are there.

Yes, I'm in a whiny mood. Yes, I want to whine. I don't just want, I *need* to move into hall. I *need* to get my own space, my own bed, my own convenience, my own computer to print out my notes (coz my mom's been monopolising the home comp and I CANNOT wait till midnight to print out my notes every night), etc. I need to stop missing all those hall initiation ceremonies like the formal welcome dinner (which I missed) and the block initiation night (which I missed) etc etc etc, because the girls in my floor and block (which include Sam and Wanyi) are really friendly and I don't want to make it seem like I am dao-ing them all the time, and I don't want to miss the IBG period, which I will if I keep on delaying my moving in.

Somehow, I think Law Orientation has done me a lot of good altho I've never been a people person, but I think my people skills have definitely improved. I can talk to almost anyone in the faculty if I so choose coz I know a lot more people and I just don't feel as awkward anymore. Even in dragonboat, during trainings I'm very comfortable mingling with the juniors and making them feel comfortable. If I am not talking to someone, it's not because I'm awkward, but because I actively choose not to. Socialising is still as draining for me now as it was before. But at least now I'm a little better at it, which is obviously, a good thing.

Speaking of training, it's very lax coz the freshies are new and coming in. Sadly, Dee can't stay in the team, but the others show a lot of promise. I have to upkeep this image of no-sweat fitness when running. Even when cheonging up the Central Library slope I have to do so without making it look like I'm about to keel over and die. Image. It's all about image. And Mona has very generously made the whole team drink Vitasoy after every training. I think I'll propose tt every time the Vitasoy packets are distributed, we shall all burst into song singing "keep drinking Vitasoy! it's the healthy drink we all enjoy!". That might help liven training even more.

Problem with training is not so much the training itselp, but the lag time. Training + dinner = 6.15pm to 10.30pm. Right now this time frame is still manageable for me coz I don't have a lot of work coming in, but sooner or later with my law workload stepping up and my increased involvement in hall activities (I intend to join around 3 to 4 IHGs in December after the River Regatta, but I'll need a firm grounding somewhere), I may not be able to afford this kind of time anymore. *sigh* But it's a Catch-22. Either I continue the training + lag time + dinner thing and possibly kill my hall/law stuff, or I leave right after training at 8pm and allow my bonds with my teammates to disintegrate. Life is full of tough decisions.

Anyway final note, David's the 'beng' guy in Singapore Idol. Looks better now with the new hairstyle, has an even more improved singing voice; but when he sits next to me in CLT lectures I fea for my life. We sit 3 rows from the front in the centre right in front of the lecturer, he wears bright orange, makes loud comments and draws attention to the entire row. For someone who doesn't prepare her readings enough... how How HOW???

Oh, on a separate note watch out for David on TV. Me, I gotta go find my printer to bring back to hall, staple my printed notes, read my CLT book, and go get some much-needed sleep.

2:12 AM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Shall blog abt my life soon. Not much worth updating abt yet. Just 1 thing I want to say now:

WHY is it tt all the blogs tt I am voyeuring are either a) not updating or b) getting decidedly boring?

*yawn*

2:41 AM - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it