absolutum dominium

i feel kind of lost. in the window period between 1 event and another, i hate the anticipation period. for some reason i am more disatisfied with my body as of late. it's prob coz i've passed the 60 kg mark again. so much for losing 8 kg... i gained some more. sigh. and i'm not really sure why. it seems the food ban isn't helping me to lose anything at all. except maybe hair. i don't know. *shrug*

i realise i'm 10 days past the deadline for my ubc course selection. i haven't even decided what i want to do yet, let alone do it. a massive headache to be contended with. and i haven't even fully unpacked my bag from penang.

i miss i branch in echo already. i guess it's coz i'm not working there yet. i'm not the one having to interview the complainant or defendant or take statements, i'm not the one who has to get statements from defendants in lock-up and see people cry and not be able to do fuck about it. i'm not the one having to deal with all the paperwork, deal with all the other depts and people, get harassed or have to harass.

i'm just the observer.

but nothing's the same once you get to see the things people don't. i've been into the bars and clubs at orchard towers and seen the ba poks grind up against the ang mohs. i've seen the injuries you can get from being beaten up by 5 men in a club. i've seen acts of stupidity, moronity, and at the same time met people whom i have grown to respect immensely over the space of one night.

next week is training training training. i apologise if i haven't been taking to the supplements well. generally it's against my principles to take supplements. but i guess if i have to do it, i have to do it.

i just feel very lost right now. like there is life to be living, but i'm not there somehow. i don't know what's wrong.

and i'm missing people.