absolutum dominium

ok. sometimes i think life is a bit too complicated.

or rather, tt life could have been simple but once again, *i* complicated it for myself by doing things in a "stop-gap" matter ("stop-gap referring to the pre-Magaret Thatcher economic policy in 1980s Britain whereby the government measures taken to help the flailing then-welfare economy were symptomatic and not forward-looking), without considering the long-term repercussions. help. hsien, yanli. i think i need help. again. fuck. how do you tell someone who's *still* both bitter and hopeful not to be anymore?

rainy sat afternoon. or rather, damn rainy sat morning. at least now the rain is gone and the sky though dark, is clearing up. hope to go for a run. it's been fucking long coz of my seminar last week. totally spoilt all fucking exercise plans. plus all the really good food. morning tea. lunch. afternoon tea. am fucking fat now lah wtf.

anyway just to update... seminar carried on for the past 3 days. was exposed to various social and economic policies. class went through A LOT of debate. maybe tt's why they sent us to various unis in various countries to study various subjects. all of us have come back with pretty much a diverse mindset and range of views. maybe the only thing tt binds us together is our idealism. some are more idealistic than others, but we still believe.

a lot of themes were being discussed. views, thinking "for the people" (even though i still find tt getting the top 1% of society to come and discuss how the other 99% of society think and live from this ivory tower in some little building in a better part of singapore still smacks of pretension), the so-called "national interests vs. the interests of the individual", and the focus on tangible instead of intangible benefits... these subjects were bandied around so much it was just too tiring for me to continue engaging with the same people over the same things all over again.

but tt said, inspite of all the disillusionment a number of us went through with the system and the policy-making process, we did have our faith restored by the talks with a successful entrepreneur about attitude in such an environment, as well as with mp dr amy khor about her work with the grassroots and her take on singapore's policy directions.

all of us have lofty ambitions. one wants to work with the world bank to help resolve the issue of poverty. many want to inspire the students to study, to learn, to fulfil the dreams tt they have from the time tt they are young. me? i've already mentioned my dreams so often. i just hope i will be able to do what i set out to do when i join the service. i don't just want to end up drafting policies from an ivory tower. i want to be on the ground, with the ground, where it's all at. and it's not lofty in an academic or in a career sense, because according to scholarship policy i'm probably OVER-qualified to be an on-the-ground officer, but i don't believe tt it's impossible. plus i already have some ties to the ground, so i guess some headway is better than nothing at all.

i despise hypocrisy.

anyway on wed we went to the infant jesus home in the afternoon. a group of 8 of us. the home used to be where chijmes now is; in the 40s to 60s parents used to abandon their daughters here if they were a) born during the jap occ; b) deformed; c) born in the year of the tiger. as such, the sister would take care of these girls, and now in 2005 these girls have grown old. there are 7 of them left. and it depressed me.

we with our lofty ambitions. us the young the educated the previleged. we have dreams, we have our lives in front of us. we have the power and the means and the opportunity to make our choices, to pursue our dreams, to do everyfuckingthing tt we want to with our lives. these women never had tt chance. everyday they follow a set routine. they know only each other. they have nothing else to do but to keep busy. to wait till bedtime. to wait to die.

fuck. i hate this. i hate visiting such places for the same reason tt i hate visiting the stifling environment of the prison. granted, i will def have to visit the prison often in the future. granted, i will be going to tiny little rooms where they'll be stuffing a whole horde of illegal immigrants in uninhabitable conditions. granted ill be going through makeshift brothels where foreign women may have been forced to work for the sheer sake of a bowl of rice. granted, ill be running through forests or really poor estates looking for drug abusers or runaways or whoever else have fallen through the cracks of society. and i know there are so many.

i'm an escapist. we all are. we know they are there, but we choose not to see them. up till now, i chose not to see them. but i know tt i cannot choose to be blind all my life. i always wanted to make a difference. and to be honest, i think i can. i know tt one person may not be able to do much, but the little i do will be more than nothing. and from the seminar at least i know tt more of us exist than i realise. it's like what amy khor said. like-minded individuals coming together can achieve more than just 1 person.

we were taken around the home. the guy in charge was mentioning about the crisis shelter, and how it seemed more people were in need of help, just tt a few were too proud. and what could you possibly do? resources is always a problem. not enough funding, not enough manpower. so maybe for them it's not so bad coz they have support from the school and members of public, but it's not the case for everyone. i think something is seriously wrong if statistics show tt social ills is on the rise. what's the point of a growing economy is the wealth gap keeps on widening and more are left behind? the social fabric of family has been disintegrating. many of the higher-income families have parents too busy to keep tabs on their children. many of the lower-income families have parents who are taking on so many jobs tt they are never around for their children, and these children become unloved and they seek love in every single place tt they can.

what can we do? it's not just about volunteerism. a lot more has to be done. the welfare centres, the family service centres, they are cures. cures, not preventive measures. we need more preventive measures. not just stop-gap reliefs.

anyway we interacted with the women at the home. they were all so warm and friendly. all raised catholic. there was this innocent simplicity in all of them. they trusted, they loved, they did not expect. there was no bitterness over their kind of life. they welcomed us with warm smiles and lingering handshakes. two were blind. they saw by hearing and touch, by running their palms and fingers over ours and touching our hair.

i left the home around 6.15pm. no choice but to take a cab back to nus for the dragonboat end-of-season dinner. i guess it was supposed to be celebratory, but just as i'd expected it was more like a 'come-for-the-free-food' trip with a few customary speeches thrown in. we were given an insight into the new direction for the team. i'll be honest here. i'm not comfortable with the new direction.

i know tt winning is important. let's face it. we're representing our school. the school is funding us, supporting us etc. we have to put all this funding and support to good use. it's a pride thing. who wants to lose? but the thing is tt the attitude of the school and its representatives is just not in tangent with the kind of values tt have undergirded our team ever since its inception. the concepts of feeling and rowing for each other, being being a team, of bonding, of being sisters; these are the foremost values of the team.

WE matter most. it's not just the medals and their colour. winning is important, i'm not disputing tt. but it's not an end-all in itself because team cohesion is supposed to be the championing value. we do train hard, but what motivates us to win is our heart. our heart to row for each other, to not let each other down. to row for someone else, and not for yourself alone, is even more inspirational than just a medal. that means tt even if we row our hearts out, we end up vomiting or blacking out or something along those lines because of the effort put in, but if we still do not clinch the coveted gold, it's not a loss or a disappointment because we know we've done the best tt we could. if it were all about the medals, then suffice to say we could always just go down to the factory in katong and commission them to make gold medals for each of us.

society thinks in one way. society is generally caught up with the tangible and the material as a measure of success. but the team does not think as society does. we believe in the intangible. and like johnny might say, it's not viable because the 'heart' is inconsistent and erratic. and it's true. we do require consistency. we do require a more solid method. but this being said i'm all for tangible, but i am of the firm belief that the team should never lose the values tt have undergirded us all these years. the love tt we have for each other.

i went home early after the dinner.

on thurs after the seminar, the girls had election dinner at the holland village xo beehoon place. which was btw, 2 min walk from my college where i was having the seminar. almost everyone was late and later. wahaha. we had a re-election. yirang's our new vice-capt. :) not bad lah. the 2 original si geenas in charge of the team. both from jurong somemore. wahaha.

i know tt both of them are not going to find the ride smooth-sailing. i was never in any position so i wouldn't know how much behind-the-scenes stuff goes on, but now tt expectations have been raised, now tt there is intervention (more politically-correct than interferrence), now tt there is more to be done and done differently, and with little time for adjustment, things may not be easy. i can't advise much, can't say much. but what i can say:

1. believe in yourselves. like mona says, no matter what everyone else says, you two are the heads of the team. you are the ones who will care the most for the team, who will guide the team, who will protect the team and think for the interests of the team and place them first. so don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

2. work-team balance will always be a problem. esp when you're in year 2 and the modules increase and get tougher. but tt's what studying together and motivating each other is about. it may not help entirely, but support each other emotionally. :)

3. the team will be behind you every step of the way. i know tt we all made the right choice and elected the right people to be the new heads. as a senior, i've seen both from the time they came for our (not-so) fun row till now, and we've all seen you both grow stronger both physically and emotionally. we know the kind of love, attachment and dedication you have for the team. we know how you feel, how much of yourselves you can and will give. it won't be an easy ride, coz mona should pretty much have told you her own experiences. there will be moments of frustration, of anger, of resentment, of disillusionment, of helplessness, and there will be tears.

but with all the bad comes all the good. the love. the bonding. the smiles and the laughter. the amazing realisations when you realise how you can bring out the passion and dedication in others, when you realise how much you've affected others and how you've earned their respect and admiration. the revelation tt all the mission: impossible objectives tt you'd set out to achieve from the start of the academic year would somehow, at the very end, all be achieved, or even over-achieved, even though you could have had no prior clue hope or idea.

congrats to our new capt and vice-capt cindy and yirang. like we've said before, you both will do just fine.

ok.

and tt's my 2 cents worth. won't say anymore on this coz it's all in your hands and under your authority now. :)

after the dinner, we (the old birds. somehow the si geenas abandoned us. again) s.l.o.w.l.y made our way down to wala wala. of course by the time we got there the band was playing and seats were a fucking impossibility. plus we'd missed happy hour so a pint of hoegaarden set me back fucking $17.00. knn. he was there with his drinking buddies (2 tables of them); tried to get us a table. the band tt was playing was called "the unexpected", although there were guest appearances from "the ministry of rock". maybe i'm too young, but i couldn't appreciate the music coz i wasn't into heavy/80s rock, which was what they were playing.

tt said. they were good.

the girls left around 11.30pm. decided to stay on with him. his crazy friend was trying to get me to finish the heineken (they'd ordered 16 bottles of erdinger (dark) and 10 bottles of heineken during happy hour, and it seemed no one could finish everything), but i was kinda bloated coz he'd made me 'bottoms up' my hoegaarden, and i hate downing my beer coz it ALWAYS makes me bloated. plus the kick always comes all at once and damn strong.

the same reason why i should never down my vodka or any other drinks all at once. but yeah. i do it all the time anyway. fuck.

the band played system of a down's 'aerials' at midnight. i love tt song. highlight of my night from the band. he introduced to one of the girls who used to be interested in him when he'd been bartending. and uh, announced tt he was her boyfriend. i realise tt among some groups of people, lovers are interchangeable. so is sexual partners. HMM.

he drove me home in his friend's car. yeah. i did relay the message tt he might get caught if he drinks and drives. he laughed. d-uh. he broke every traffic rule, drove the other way up a one-way street, parallel-parked in 3 seconds, and yeah. no accidents. ended up having a midnight chat with my dad over microwaved cabbage soup till 2 am.

about... stuff. my dad's asking but not pressing. i'm lying and he's knowing tt i'm lying. but he's not pushing me much. i'm scared tt he will soon.

melissa says tt i should take it slow. i know i should. 2 weeks is too short to determine a lifetime. but maybe i'm the naive one for saying tt i feel like i know him inside out. i trust him completely. and i don't want to take it slow. i'm leaving soon. we're both so busy. time is a luxury i just don't have right now. i know what i'm doing. i'm not being cautious. i'm not being very rational. but i'm not a fool. i'm not overly-emotional or idealist. i've already done the cost-benefit analysis. and i've already decided what i am going to risk for what i'm going to get in return.

friday was the last day of the seminar. the original plan was to head down to km8 with the rest of his friends who'd been there playing beach volleyball. in the end we decided to just go the the food court at marina square with the panoramic view, then walk from marina promenade to momo at central mall. and just talk, i guess. he did more talking than me. he's an open book. he knows tt. i know. i'm the one who's more guarded. always have been, always will be. you don't know me till i want you to, you don't get close to me till i let you, and if i don't want to get to know you i'm never going to talk to you. am i too arrogant tt way?

his friend's birthday was today. we dropped by momo to wish the guy happy birthday. tt guy tried to go after me, but i don't trust skirt-chasers. i think there's more to lift for guys than just trying to chase or impress girls. a certain degree of tt is natural, but if tt's your ultimate goal in life then you're just a sad loser with major security and esteem issues. and if you don't know how to treat a girl right, tt's even sadder for you.

this guy doesn't know how to treat girls right. and he wonders why he has a long string of really short relationships.

me? i believe tt good things are worth waiting for.

my boy sent me home by cab (and then went back to chinablack to go drink himself silly). then i had to type out my dad's speech for him for testimonial tt he's gonna give the congregation at church.

today had my first meal of the week with the family at this thai restaurant, then helped my dad to document his company profile. except tt now my dad cannot remember the address of the website tt i created for him, so until he does tt i cannot put the damn profile up on the site. grr.

anyway am meeting james at momo again later. i wonder if john molina's band is still playing tonight?

AERIALS -
system of a down

Life is a waterfall,
We're one in the river,
And one again after the fall.

Swimming through the void
We hear the word,
We lose ourselves,
But we find it all

Cause we are the ones that want to play,
Always want to go,
But you never want to stay,

And we are the ones that want to choose,
Always want to play,
But you never want to lose.

Aerials, in the sky,
When you lose small mind,
You free your life.

Life is a waterfall,
We drink from the river,
Then we turn around and put up our walls.

Swimming through the void
We hear the word,
We lose ourselves,
But we find it all

Cause we are the ones that want to play,
Always want to go,
But you never want to stay,

And we are the ones that want to choose,
Always want to play,
But you never want to lose,
ohhh

Aerials, in the sky,
When you lose small mind,
You free your life.
Aerials, so up high,
When you free your eyes,
Eternal prize.
Aerials, in the sky,
When you lose small mind,
You free your life.
Aerials, so up high,
When you free your eyes,
Eternal prize.