absolutum dominium

i went to do my canadian medical check-up yesterday. was supposed to do it in the morning but ended up completely oversleeping. eep.

but went to do it after lunch, nonetheless. fortuately there was no queue. they did my chest x-ray first. i was amazed at how the doctor could balance my x-ray in 1 hand and *2* cups of coffee in the other when she was collecting my results to process in her room.

then they drew my blood and urine (which was an initially scary process until the nurse kept talking to me and telling me how healthy i looked)...

~ interlude: whenever people see me, the first thing they say is "WAH. you look so *HEALTHY*! that's a good thing!"

knn. pigs sent to the slaughter are 'healthy'. ancient women who lived with cavemen and produced babies all their life were 'healthy'. a piece of meat is 'healthy'. i feel like a fucking meatloaf for crying out loud. ~

...and then the doctor examined me physically, and he was telling me about how beautiful canada was and how i would probably never want to leave the place. apparently vancouver is fucking gorgeous, and it goes beyond the flowers and the fact tt it's the warmest city in the country. they have mountains, they have seas; essentially they have everything i would love to see when i wake up in the morning and look out my window.

said tt most of the people who've been to canada and return to singapore... migrate there permanently after one or two years. me? i don't know. no matter how gorgeous canada is... i'm still bonded to a singapore job. i still have family here. and most importantly, i still have him here.

went home coz the mom was sick. dad was once again making today his "get-on-my-wife's-nerves" day. argh. parents.

but i went out in the evening to meet him. it's been almost a week since i'd last seen him. had to go to the office coz i was lugging around his friend's birthday gift + his gifts from bangkok + his 6 cans of irish stout... now tt was heavy. saw his colleagues, but this time in a different capacity. for once, i felt like a deer caught in headlights. previously, i could be sure of myself. i knew what my role was, where i stood, what i was there for, etc. now i don't know what to do with this new role. i feel lost and more than a little shy for the first time. but they were really nice and friendly and they all had these knowing smiles on their faces. like, ugh.

it's embarassing.

we had dinner at thai express at plaza sing. yeah, i know. i just came back from fucking bangkok on tues. but because i didn't get to eat my beef noodles and my mango with glutinous rice in thailand, i couldn't rest in peace until i ate both. heh.

he was telling me about some of the stuff he'd had to encounter at work. like a jumping case and how the SOP was so screwed up tt even though it had been followed to a 'T', the guy'd died anyway and his parents were fuming. and he'd asked my opinion, and i said tt if this happens, then there is something seriously wrong with the system. he agreed.

incidentally, a friend of mine had been enquiring. someone he knows is taking drugs. asked me to find out what would happen if he reported his friend to the cops. asked my baby. if it's heroin-based, it's 2 years in rehab. if it's not heroin-based, for first offenders it's a mandatory sentence of 6 months and above in jail. my baby paused, then asked me what i was going to advise my friend to do. i said i was going to tell him to counsel his friend. report only as a last resort. coz once it's reported, there's no turning back. a life could be ruined, and if it's just a moment of folly and things can be changed now, they should be changed without involving the law. my baby agreed too. tt's one of the things i respect most about him: his innate sense of justice. it's not about obeying the law or following the SOP to a 'T'. it's about understanding tt you're dealing with people here, and justice is over and above the law itself. justice is about humanity. and if we're both too idealistic for our own good in this respect, then too bad. so sad.

and then during dinner he was telling me tt he'd spoken to a female friend of his about us. and she was the first one to give him negative comments. said to him tt he'd better think through this carefully because i probably wasn't serious about this relationship. tt i was "just being 21", being naive and impulsive, challenging the norm to god knows what end. said tt when i went to canada, i'd probably hook up with some canadian boy and forget all about him, and he would be the one hurting.

i didn't say it then. i wanted to say: "she doesn't know a goddamn thing about me and who i am." but i didn't. i didn't see a need to, seeing tt he should know me well enough to know tt i don't play around with relationships. just coz i'm young doesn't mean i'm an airhead. he defended his stand to her, i guess. said tt he'd already made the lines black and white. everything was up to me.

i feel tt he's giving me too much power. too much leeway. too much choice. he doesn't expect much commitment from me. maybe tt's why i am determined to prove them all wrong about me.

today was his friend's birthday. so the group of his colleages (who were also the friends) were planning to make the guy drunk and if possible, get him laid. well. in the end they decided to scrap the joo chait plans and drag him to siam supperclub instead. it was my first time in ssc.

it was not very big, dark and there was a small dancefloor. i felt incredibly young coz it was a working crowd club. apaprently the people come here to drink till their high, and then pick up girls, if possible for the night. there was a 3-for-the-price-of-1 offer... 5 min after we sat down the waitress brought over 4 buckets of beer. and i'm talking buckets filled to the brim with ice and between 5 and 6 bottles of heineken inside. and there were 5 guys and me.

incidentally, i got the "you look very healthy" comment again. what the knn?!

decided to play it safe. drink completely NON-alcoholic orange juice. let the guys finish the beer. before the buckets were wiped out the waitress came back with 3 more buckets of guiness stout and cans of red bull. according to my baby, stout + red bull gives you energy... and makes you fucking horny. right.

but i didn't like the place. it was dark and the air was stale. i kept getting stared at by lecherous older men, and i felt claustrophobic coz the only time i'm in a place like this is if i'm on the dancefloor. i can't just sit there and not do anything, esp if i'm not drinking per se.

he noted tt i was uncomfortable, so he brought me over to the pool table side. it was a lot less crowded, brighter, there was no cigarette smoke permeating the air, and they were playing more palatable music. we didn't really say much even though at this volume we didn't have to shout at each other. just sat there leaning into him and feeling the muscles under his shirt (which was highly surprising, how hard he felt) and just being with him. didn't have to say anything at all. what had been said had been said. what hadn't been said either wasn't important or could be said at a later time. all tt mattered to me was his company.

we went back to the other side after his friend came by to look for him... and caressed him on the thigh to see if he could tell the difference. tt was funny. ;) caught the birthday boy trying to flee. penalty for attempted escape: they plied him with so much more stout + red bull tt he threw up. and THEN after tt he REALLY cha bok.

so the remainder of us went down to thumper. another working crowd 20-something/30s type club. the security managers of the other clubs like chinablack and momo come here on their off-days. it was around 12.30am.

the live band was doing covers of songs by the black-eyed peas and guns n roses, and people were actually dancing. his friend asked me if i wanted to dance. i said ok, and my baby was actually willing to dance with me. i was so surprised. he'd told me before tt he'd retired from clubbing coz he was "too old". and i was like "you don't mind dancing?" and he was like "if you want to dance, i'll dance with you lor."

so we danced. actually, we were singing along and rapping to the lyrics of all the songs the band played.

and it sounds cheesy, but i think it was at this point tt i realised tt he's everything tt i ever wanted. he's the only person i know who's a radio like me. who knows every song i know, who loves almost every song i know, who has a maroon 5 ringtone like me (this is completely coincedental. he had it before i even met him), who can sing and rap to everything just like i do.

even though our backgrounds are so fucking different, our ages are so far apart, everytime i seem to find more similarities between us. we think so alike we don't really have to say tt much to each other coz we already understand what the other's viewpoint is. we have an uncanny knack of SMSing each other *at the same time*, and this already happened 3 times in a row. in the morning i had this fear tt he'd overslept, and in the evening he'd confirmed tt he had. and now this.

i'm a fucking romantic. a fucking sappy cliche die-hard romantic. don't believe in the stars, don't believe in fate... but i'm starting to read more into coincedences than i logically should.

my god. but he's an ex-mambo king. now tt was hilarious. when the live band left and they started playing all those old zouk songs tt i'd never heard before, he started coming alive and almost doing all the hand actions. and he was telling me how he used to spend the days of his youth on the zouk podium on wed nights. and i was like: "oh. my. god. you were one of THOSE people?!"

he calls dancing his cardio workout. was really funny coz he would dance dance dance halfway and then lean on the table and breathe in and out and say tt he cannot take it anymore. and then his friend would ply him with hoegaardens. and then when it came to my kinda music and 'tempted to touch' and 'so confused' and 'oye mi canto' i made damn sure he didn't want to stop dancing with me. even to rest. ;)

thumper's like a pick-up joint. there was a group of 5 lesbians - 3 les 2 butch on the dancefloor. and boy were they open about publid displays of affection. bumping, grinding, butt and boob rubbing, and long french kisses tt go on forever in plain sight of everyone. at first it was just les kissing butch. and then there was les kissing les, and butch kissing butch. and partner swapping and everyone was kissing everyone at some point in time. then this ang moh tried to hit on 2 lesbians in the group 1 at a time. bumped and grinded and kissed the first one, then when the butch stepped in he changed target to the second one. and then you had this les alternating between the ang moh guy and her butch girlfriend (?) and the other les... it was disgusting at first and subsequently highly amusing.

see girls? i didn't have to go to patpong to get my free lesbian show. this doesn't even qualify as a free lesbian show. looked more like a free-for-all show. the les even smiled at me at some point in time. i'm sure if i was drunk and not with andy we'd probably end up kissing or something along those lines too.

anyway i had to leave around 2.30am. went to the toilet first. 4 of them were in there. conversation inside between them went like this:

girl #1: "i think i better tell amos tt i'm leaving."
girl #2: "you want me to come along? i think it'll look better if your boyfriend was there."

hmm.

his friend drove us home. actually he drove me to my home and my baby took a cab back to his from there. night ended much too soon for my liking.

did i enjoy myself? activities wise, no. didn't like both ssc and thumper. didn't really like the music, despised the crowd, didn't like the stale smoky atmosphere. but he was there. and all i need from now till i leave, is just his company.

i'm not seeing him till tomorrow. why does time pass so fucking fast when he's around, and crawl when he's not? i can't play sappy love songs on my itunes now coz it increases the intensity at which i miss him.

argh. ok ok. get blue's "breathe easy" off the playlist now.