Monday, July 11, 2005
feels like betrayal
went to the canadian high commission to apply for my stuidy permit today. had a longer conversation with the cute cop by the door than the counter staff. irony of things. cop looks like lou diamond phillips btw, and speaks with an accent. nice.
counter staff was irritating. i wanted a formal interview so tt i could show all my formal documents etc, but the woman was bloody lazy. just told me to drop off my envelope. i was like: i can't include any originals in here coz they're too valuable to me. and she just mumbled something or other in this super irritated face. i also don't know why. bloody pms-ey woman.
oh. and it seems people are finally pronouncing my name 'isobel'. not 'iso-bel' like 'isotonic/isotope'. coz it irritates the living hell out of me when people mispronounce my name.
anyway after tt went to cfc. melissa couldn't wake up. wahaha. i'm amused. i'm burning more calories on tt 'stepper' thing than i do when i run on the treadmill. on the treadmill i burn approx 8 calories a minute. on the stepper thing if i'm slack, i burn about 11 calories a minute. if i'm stomping hard, up to 14 calories. guess from now on i shall convert from running to stepping. slack and inspiring. wahaha. but tt's only assuming the calorie counter doesn't lie.
met ian for lunch and a movie. he's the only person i know who books me 1 month in advance to watch movies. but the horrible thing was tt i wasn't feeling too good after the gym. in fact while doing my cardio i already felt a little sick. like my stomach was queasy and my head kinda hurt.
had lunch with ian anyway. it was bad coz the headache stepped up and i couldn't really walk and i needed to sit down. but more than tt, i felt like there was a betrayal. not of you, but of ian. i don't know. i agree to go out with him more because i feel like i owe him big time coz of our history, even though conversation's always strained and it isn't like i can find much to say. and i pretend tt i'm still single and still the same, even tho this time things have changed and i dare not tell him tt things have changed.
and then you called during lunch and i was wondering whether to pick up. i did, and i made it short. you sounded drunk. or deliriously happy. i could hide a lot of things, the way i feel about you, the way i talk to you, i can play down the level of intimacy. but i can't hide the smile or the way my eyes light up when i hear your voice. can't hide the way my headache miraculously disappears for tt 2 minutes i'm talking to you.
he was obviously suspicious. and i had to throw up all the stuff tt make it seem like you're no more than just an older friend of sorts to me.
"is he married?"
"yeah... to his work."
my parents always complain tt i go out with too many guys, but i never seem to get it on with any one of them. of course, they don't know you exist. but they tell me tt when i get serious about someone, i'll automatically stop seeing other guys.
i laughed them off. i said tt whether i'm single or attached or even married, i'll go out with whoever i want and see whoever i want.
today, i realised personally what they really meant. i can have a really bad headache. feel nauseous and like throwing up. weak and irritable.
and i could be tt way with almost anyone else. but not with you.
i feel like i've let him down in a way. for being awful company. for not being able to control my headaches and nausea (except when you called). for not being able to refrain from SMSing you, even though as a principle of courtesy i never SMS or answer calls when i am with people.
we watched the fantastic four. it wasn't fantastic. after the movie i barely survived the bus ride home coz my head hurt so much it required all my concentration to walk to the bus stop. i don't know if he wanted to see me home again, but i found some way out of it coz i couldn't really talk.
and i slept for 2 hours, except for tt time you called from work and i picked up.
i miss you just tt little bit.
tomorrow: body combat with jane! body pump with melissa! man. i love having best girl friends in the same gym as myself. :)
now playing: hotel costes - cafe de flor
counter staff was irritating. i wanted a formal interview so tt i could show all my formal documents etc, but the woman was bloody lazy. just told me to drop off my envelope. i was like: i can't include any originals in here coz they're too valuable to me. and she just mumbled something or other in this super irritated face. i also don't know why. bloody pms-ey woman.
oh. and it seems people are finally pronouncing my name 'isobel'. not 'iso-bel' like 'isotonic/isotope'. coz it irritates the living hell out of me when people mispronounce my name.
anyway after tt went to cfc. melissa couldn't wake up. wahaha. i'm amused. i'm burning more calories on tt 'stepper' thing than i do when i run on the treadmill. on the treadmill i burn approx 8 calories a minute. on the stepper thing if i'm slack, i burn about 11 calories a minute. if i'm stomping hard, up to 14 calories. guess from now on i shall convert from running to stepping. slack and inspiring. wahaha. but tt's only assuming the calorie counter doesn't lie.
met ian for lunch and a movie. he's the only person i know who books me 1 month in advance to watch movies. but the horrible thing was tt i wasn't feeling too good after the gym. in fact while doing my cardio i already felt a little sick. like my stomach was queasy and my head kinda hurt.
had lunch with ian anyway. it was bad coz the headache stepped up and i couldn't really walk and i needed to sit down. but more than tt, i felt like there was a betrayal. not of you, but of ian. i don't know. i agree to go out with him more because i feel like i owe him big time coz of our history, even though conversation's always strained and it isn't like i can find much to say. and i pretend tt i'm still single and still the same, even tho this time things have changed and i dare not tell him tt things have changed.
and then you called during lunch and i was wondering whether to pick up. i did, and i made it short. you sounded drunk. or deliriously happy. i could hide a lot of things, the way i feel about you, the way i talk to you, i can play down the level of intimacy. but i can't hide the smile or the way my eyes light up when i hear your voice. can't hide the way my headache miraculously disappears for tt 2 minutes i'm talking to you.
he was obviously suspicious. and i had to throw up all the stuff tt make it seem like you're no more than just an older friend of sorts to me.
"is he married?"
"yeah... to his work."
my parents always complain tt i go out with too many guys, but i never seem to get it on with any one of them. of course, they don't know you exist. but they tell me tt when i get serious about someone, i'll automatically stop seeing other guys.
i laughed them off. i said tt whether i'm single or attached or even married, i'll go out with whoever i want and see whoever i want.
today, i realised personally what they really meant. i can have a really bad headache. feel nauseous and like throwing up. weak and irritable.
and i could be tt way with almost anyone else. but not with you.
i feel like i've let him down in a way. for being awful company. for not being able to control my headaches and nausea (except when you called). for not being able to refrain from SMSing you, even though as a principle of courtesy i never SMS or answer calls when i am with people.
we watched the fantastic four. it wasn't fantastic. after the movie i barely survived the bus ride home coz my head hurt so much it required all my concentration to walk to the bus stop. i don't know if he wanted to see me home again, but i found some way out of it coz i couldn't really talk.
and i slept for 2 hours, except for tt time you called from work and i picked up.
i miss you just tt little bit.
tomorrow: body combat with jane! body pump with melissa! man. i love having best girl friends in the same gym as myself. :)
# posted by Kitana @ 7/11/2005 10:17:00 PM 
