absolutum dominium

"...because people like this don't come around often in your lifetime. if ever."

a quote from my bro.

i haven't blogged in a long long time. actually i made a really long 5000 essay post on everything from the july race till my night @ phuture with my lovely babes jane and sam, but blogger fucking ate the post and i was so dulan i refused to even log on to blogger till today.

times like these, i miss xanga. speaking of which, i find tt ludacris song 'pimping all over the world' damn catchy. the women and the fancy cars. hell yeah i am still lusting for my mazda mx-5. before i'm 30, i must be able to own my mazda mx-5.

anyway this post is going to be disjointed. thanks bro, for coffee last night. as always, you know how much i love you because of how real and how true you are to yourself and to me. it's been 4 going on 5 years and nothing has changed between us. throughout the ups and downs you've seen me grow and i've seen you come all this way and survived all the turbulence that you have survived to become who you are now.

and i thank you for providing the most clarity where before there was nothing but fear and confusion.

i won't lie. i'm so fucking scared, and the feeling is exacerbated tenfold when i am not with him. my head tells me this is all wrong. i know tt he's strong and constant and settled enough to know what he wants, and he's made it evidently clear tt he wants a future with me.

but i'm not tt strong. everything tt could possibly stand in our way stands in our way. from the physical barrier to th age barrier to the class and backgrounds and lifestyle barrier. you name it it's there. right now i can pretend not to care, right now i can say tt i'm not bothered. but i know i am, when the people talk, when some friend subtly comments on her 'surprise' at my choice.

i've always considered my reputation my most important asset. when it comes to pride, nothing else ever matters more tt it. i've done a lot of things tt i once considered impossible to do, and succeeded, because of my pride. i ended a relationship with someone i loved, because it all boiled down to my pride.

right now my head tells me tt there will probably not be a future for us. maybe we might survive 1 or 2 years. if we're lucky maybe 3. but when the real problems start coming in, the tongues start wagging in, when things like how much you can provide for me start to matter in a way tt they do not now, i don't know if i will have the strength or resolve to hold on.

i don't want to be tied down by a relationship. i'm used to thinking on my own, thinking about my own life, not letting anything other than myself control my life. i'm not used to being out of control, of having to consider someone else in the decisions i make. i'm not used to worrying so much about someone else, thinking so much about someone else, missing someone else so much tt there is a feeling of emptiness in my stomach, every time i'm not with you.

it scares me. being out of control scares me. knowing tt someone is so wrong and tt things may probably not last, scares me. and you know what worries me the most? the fact tt my greatest fear is not tt you will hurt me. but rather, tt i will end up hurting you.

my head screams 'no'.

but my heart gives me the entirely opposite answer.

simply because of what my bro said. you make me happy. i haven't felt this way in 3 years, and this is the 2nd time i've felt this way in a lifetime. i don't know how this could have happened because we barely know each other and we're from opposite ends of the spectrum, but it has. and you make me happy. and i know tt even as little as i know you, i have full conviction tt i can trust you with my life. you will do whatever you can to make me happy. i know tt.

and someone like you, is not going come along often in my lifetime, i know tt. if ever at all. i should just hold on, shouldn't i?

i'm a realist by nature, and an idealist by choice.

just like you.

i've considered all the possibilities, and gone by my romantic instincts.

just like you.

the general consensus: just go with the flow and see where this leads you.

so for now. i'm holding on.