Thursday, June 30, 2005
ORD LOH!!!
today marks my very last training with teamnus. the girls.
it was raining when i was walking from kallang mrt to sdba. interesting how the rain suddenly seemed to stop the moment melissa pei walked into sdba.
grr.
but she didn't make us run today. she tried to fool us by wearing her running shoes, but i should have known the moment she used my shoulder as her support while she took them off.
after visualisation i watched the police boats return back from their shift. realised how much i would miss them. they've been a familiar sight the past 1.5 months when we train in the morning; how at 9am we'd see a stream of boats steadily inch towards the benjamin sheares bridge and out of sight, and how at 10am we'd see the boats from the earlier shift return in a single file.
and sometimes if our boat happened to be in the way of the police boats, we'd be hit by the backwash, or have people tell us through loudhailers to move out of the way.
it's actually a pretty sight. discounting the state of the water, the oil, garbage and dead animals floating on the surface; the kallang basin is a scenic place if you think about it. expanse of water, pretty condos on one side, and the great big sea and beyond at the other end of the benjamin sheares bridge. when it's early and there isn't anyone else around except for us it's relatively quiet and serene, and sometimes just standing at the ledge looking out into the distance and the great big blue cloudless sky, you can feel this immense sense of peace.
we rowed 3 race sets; the 2nd was with the female team from police. yeah, so maybe police is going to be my future, but this doesn't mean i can't get damn fucking irritated with them. first, their stupid powerboat was following our girls when we were rowing to the beach on the other side of pcg. then the same powerboat, which drags the police dragonboat to the 'starting line' for race (whereas we have to row our own goddamn way to the starting point thank you very much) just cuts into our lane when we're doing a race set, forcing our coxswain to make a large detour and then eat the fucking backwash... tt's just so GRR-INDUCING. anyway the police boat ended up pacing 1 set with us; our girls led through our hard 10s. :)
but wah lan. my boat was fucking heavy. we dipped in and pulled long to our max and we were like: "why the fuck isn't the boat coming up???" ok. i don't know about everyone, but tt was the main thought in my mind. we were literally just rowing in our own world coz the other boats could just pull miles away, even though they only had 2 people more.
hey. at least for the last set we changed boats. for once my boat was in front, even though we were short of 1 person and we had pinxiu as our drummer. and serene told pinxiu to make herself useful and pinxiu went "HUH?" but hey, at least she counted later. heh heh.
and stupid mona told us to "wear our shoes" after we came out of the boat. i think you could see the unanimous looks of utter shock on all our faces. i think i said something like "if 20 paddles fly towards you, it's no accident."
but anyway we went really crazy before training actually ended. the pull-ups tt we did; for some they were the last pull-ups of the sem. for people like yunshan, meiping and me, they were the last pull-ups... ever. and so mona was standing beside the pull-up bar, so tt when we'd finished our last set she would be ever ready to shake our hand and congratulate us as if we had just graduated.
(and later when we commissioned pinxiu to buy the muesli bars for sat, she heard 'pull up bars'... i think pinxiu's nickname now, esp as according to lydia, is "the HUH". blur like sotong. the people around her had to make her repeat geok's instructions so tt she would know what to get)
and then during our cool-down, jade fell asleep. vic first noticed her eyes closed and her head lolling to one side, and then mona asked me if the cool-down was too long coz jade was asleep. and the moment i saw jade sleeping while stretching her deltoids i just couldn't stop laughing. and i tried to control but i really just couldn't stop and mona kicked me but it was totally hilarious. you have to see it to believe it. i never ever believed tt anyone could fall asleep during cool-down until today.
after cool-down, we had a debrief. mona said tt she was impressed with the team and the progress we had made, esp in the past 2 weeks. interestingly, it seems tt the 2 weeks leading up to race is always the crucial window in which the most progress was made. and serene reminded us about what made our team special. i always knew tt the nus girls' team is special. i never had to be told. you know it deep down from the traditions we have. it took me almost a year to figure tt out when i was a junior, but when i did learn it i wondered why i never realised it sooner.
like serene said, the whole 100% compulsory attendence thing, the push-ups punishment when late, the whole-team-lunching/dinnering together tradition, the only eating when everyone else's food is on the table thing, the many little things tt just set our team apart from other teams (and which most our teams have never and may never ever understand or comprehend), it is what cultivates our bonding, and our feeling for each other. many of the girls here, including myself, row not because we love the sport (it's no secret tt i hate running, gymming, and i'm only 'okay' with rowing), but because we love the people and we don't ever want to let them down. we care for each other beyond the medals and the competitions. yes, we compete. yes, we have the will to win. but it's not an individualistic or 'personal glory' type goal - it's because we want to do it for each other. most people don't get tt.
but it's not like we expect them too. you will never understand what it is like to be a part of the nus girls' team, until you are in it yourself. personally, i've never seen myself as a part of team nus. if not for the fact tt on race day i keep hearing cheers for team nus, i wouldn't even remember the name of the team. i don't call myself an nus rower. i know my team. i know the names and the faces of every single rower in my team. i've shared their lives as they have shared mine. and this team of girls tt i row with; we could be called by any other fucking name in the world, and i would still be proud to row with every single one of them. the name isn't tt important to me. we just happen to be team nus. but we are one team, we are the same team, and i love this team of mine beyond all words.
i didn't give any final last words or speeches coz i was kinda close to tears. i know what serene was saying, i know what mona and vic have been saying, because i feel the same way myself. i am proud of all of us and what we have become. yes i want the gold, but no matter what the outcome i will have no regrets because i am already so proud to be rowing with these girls. i feel very very sad to be leaving them after july. a lot of people tell me tt i can row in vancouver, or tt i can join the police team even, but no one seems to get tt to me, the feeling will never be the same. it won't be the same people, the same faces, the same culture and traditions and the same fucking lives.
do you know what it is to feel for the boat? do you know what it's like to carry someone else's weight? or better yet, to have tt whole-hearted trust and unequivocal conviction tt someone is going to carry your weight?
i do. i have tt conviction, i have tt confidence, and i have tt fucking pride, because i know without a doubt tt these girls have been there with me for the past 2 years of my life, and they're going to be there with me this sat and this sun.
and i am so going to fucking miss them after sunday. i will honestly say this now: if i wasn't going to vancouver, i wouldn't leave. even tho i still hate gym, my running still sucks like hell, and i don't really like rowing.
i wouldn't be able to stay away. like mona said: "i would come crawling back." it's the curse of being in the team. once you join, you never want to leave. or even if you try, you just can't stay away.
anyway enough of the emotional stuff. after the debrief, we took a hell lot of photos. i didn't bring my camera today, so all the photos are in everyone else's cameras. but we really took a lot of photos. at the pull-up bar, our 'graduation' photos where we hurled our caps into the air (i had to pretend coz i don't have a cap), the team photos, and of course a whole array (and i really mean A WHOLE ARRAY) of si geena (yes, even the seniors) pictures. and the funniest thing is tt wendy's camera makes this completely HILARIOUS "DOINK" sound when you press the click function on it. it completely cracks me up coz it's so fucking ridiculous! just when you thought it couldn't get any worse for her. i swear, even her damn camera is conspiring to make people laugh at her, as if they don't already laugh at her enough!
"wendy! take a photo of us!"
...
"DOINK!"
okay, admittedly the whole bunch of us were acting like real si geenas. the ntu guys, girls and canoeing team were also at sdba, and they were all quiet and serious and professional... and us nus girls were prancing around, screaming, laughing and doing stupid photowhore poses for our cameras! we have totally no credubility left among the other teams, i swear.
well. looking on the bright side, at least they can underestimate us on race day. heh heh heh. now tt will never be to our disadvantage. besides, i swear we def have a whole lot more fun than anyone else!!! wahaha.
anyway i had to take the damn accelerade tub home with me today. with no plastic bag. had to carry it in my arms. as if the paddle and sponge don't attract enough attention already!
after showering the girls went to settler's cafe for lunch. as usual, the damn cafe prob had to raise their poultry and slaughter it themselves before they could serve their food, coz it ALWAYS takes goddamn forever to come. GRR. oh, but in the meantime we played uno (my table at least), and wahaha. mona totally sucks at uno!
and after lunch we played zombies again, and we completely tried to sabo whoever was going to win! poor lydia got sent to uluville, and then followed by wenya. but no, i refuse to pity wenya! because i was winning (you only need to either a) make your way to the helipad, or b) kill 15 zombies; to win) as i had already demolished 13 zombies, she sabo-ed me by sending me back to the town square away from all the zombies (!!!), and then she and the rest of the players kept sending all the zombies away from me! i was the ONLY player who was chasing after zombies! other players usually tried to avoid them! and then mona found out the hard way tt the different between winning and losing the the number on the dice (she was 1 step away from the helipad... and then she dieded and got sent back to the town square too!!! wahahahaha!). and uh... yirang was in her own world. seriously. in the end pinxiu won, much to lydia's indignance. she was like: "how can The HUH win???" she totally refused to accept her fate. and pinxiu said tt at least The HUH is better than The Idiot. which is what she calls lydia, incidentally.
anyway by the time i finished zombies it was in time to rush down to church to meet my parents. my mom was going for mass there; then we were having dinner with this indonesian family. it was boring as hell. but hey, at least the food was good. and i had a fantastic day today, so i guess everything evens out in the end.
and yes, in-between i was thinking of you. i know you're very busy, and i still find it utterly amazing tt you still manage to find time in your day for me. and i don't know how it is tt we can actually connect, coz you're so much older and i still feel like my lack of experience and maturity may make it difficult for you to understand me. i'm surprised you don't condescend, and tt you're so willing to be so open with me. what i'm scared of the most, is the amount of power tt you are giving me. i'm scared tt i will hurt you because of my own uncertainty and my own need for other people's approval, which i fear may end up jeopardising whatever we might have. and more than tt, i'm scared tt i will end up being hurt. i don't need a man to validate me. never have and never will. but i know personally what it's like to think of someone, to miss someone, and to want to be with someone, and while the feeling is new and strange and alien, i fear tt this may be my downfall.
but i shall not be distracted for now. most important to me is this sat and this sun. i am very glad tt at the very least, you understand tt.
now playing: hotel costes - cafe de flor
it was raining when i was walking from kallang mrt to sdba. interesting how the rain suddenly seemed to stop the moment melissa pei walked into sdba.
grr.
but she didn't make us run today. she tried to fool us by wearing her running shoes, but i should have known the moment she used my shoulder as her support while she took them off.
after visualisation i watched the police boats return back from their shift. realised how much i would miss them. they've been a familiar sight the past 1.5 months when we train in the morning; how at 9am we'd see a stream of boats steadily inch towards the benjamin sheares bridge and out of sight, and how at 10am we'd see the boats from the earlier shift return in a single file.
and sometimes if our boat happened to be in the way of the police boats, we'd be hit by the backwash, or have people tell us through loudhailers to move out of the way.
it's actually a pretty sight. discounting the state of the water, the oil, garbage and dead animals floating on the surface; the kallang basin is a scenic place if you think about it. expanse of water, pretty condos on one side, and the great big sea and beyond at the other end of the benjamin sheares bridge. when it's early and there isn't anyone else around except for us it's relatively quiet and serene, and sometimes just standing at the ledge looking out into the distance and the great big blue cloudless sky, you can feel this immense sense of peace.
we rowed 3 race sets; the 2nd was with the female team from police. yeah, so maybe police is going to be my future, but this doesn't mean i can't get damn fucking irritated with them. first, their stupid powerboat was following our girls when we were rowing to the beach on the other side of pcg. then the same powerboat, which drags the police dragonboat to the 'starting line' for race (whereas we have to row our own goddamn way to the starting point thank you very much) just cuts into our lane when we're doing a race set, forcing our coxswain to make a large detour and then eat the fucking backwash... tt's just so GRR-INDUCING. anyway the police boat ended up pacing 1 set with us; our girls led through our hard 10s. :)
but wah lan. my boat was fucking heavy. we dipped in and pulled long to our max and we were like: "why the fuck isn't the boat coming up???" ok. i don't know about everyone, but tt was the main thought in my mind. we were literally just rowing in our own world coz the other boats could just pull miles away, even though they only had 2 people more.
hey. at least for the last set we changed boats. for once my boat was in front, even though we were short of 1 person and we had pinxiu as our drummer. and serene told pinxiu to make herself useful and pinxiu went "HUH?" but hey, at least she counted later. heh heh.
and stupid mona told us to "wear our shoes" after we came out of the boat. i think you could see the unanimous looks of utter shock on all our faces. i think i said something like "if 20 paddles fly towards you, it's no accident."
but anyway we went really crazy before training actually ended. the pull-ups tt we did; for some they were the last pull-ups of the sem. for people like yunshan, meiping and me, they were the last pull-ups... ever. and so mona was standing beside the pull-up bar, so tt when we'd finished our last set she would be ever ready to shake our hand and congratulate us as if we had just graduated.
(and later when we commissioned pinxiu to buy the muesli bars for sat, she heard 'pull up bars'... i think pinxiu's nickname now, esp as according to lydia, is "the HUH". blur like sotong. the people around her had to make her repeat geok's instructions so tt she would know what to get)
and then during our cool-down, jade fell asleep. vic first noticed her eyes closed and her head lolling to one side, and then mona asked me if the cool-down was too long coz jade was asleep. and the moment i saw jade sleeping while stretching her deltoids i just couldn't stop laughing. and i tried to control but i really just couldn't stop and mona kicked me but it was totally hilarious. you have to see it to believe it. i never ever believed tt anyone could fall asleep during cool-down until today.
after cool-down, we had a debrief. mona said tt she was impressed with the team and the progress we had made, esp in the past 2 weeks. interestingly, it seems tt the 2 weeks leading up to race is always the crucial window in which the most progress was made. and serene reminded us about what made our team special. i always knew tt the nus girls' team is special. i never had to be told. you know it deep down from the traditions we have. it took me almost a year to figure tt out when i was a junior, but when i did learn it i wondered why i never realised it sooner.
like serene said, the whole 100% compulsory attendence thing, the push-ups punishment when late, the whole-team-lunching/dinnering together tradition, the only eating when everyone else's food is on the table thing, the many little things tt just set our team apart from other teams (and which most our teams have never and may never ever understand or comprehend), it is what cultivates our bonding, and our feeling for each other. many of the girls here, including myself, row not because we love the sport (it's no secret tt i hate running, gymming, and i'm only 'okay' with rowing), but because we love the people and we don't ever want to let them down. we care for each other beyond the medals and the competitions. yes, we compete. yes, we have the will to win. but it's not an individualistic or 'personal glory' type goal - it's because we want to do it for each other. most people don't get tt.
but it's not like we expect them too. you will never understand what it is like to be a part of the nus girls' team, until you are in it yourself. personally, i've never seen myself as a part of team nus. if not for the fact tt on race day i keep hearing cheers for team nus, i wouldn't even remember the name of the team. i don't call myself an nus rower. i know my team. i know the names and the faces of every single rower in my team. i've shared their lives as they have shared mine. and this team of girls tt i row with; we could be called by any other fucking name in the world, and i would still be proud to row with every single one of them. the name isn't tt important to me. we just happen to be team nus. but we are one team, we are the same team, and i love this team of mine beyond all words.
i didn't give any final last words or speeches coz i was kinda close to tears. i know what serene was saying, i know what mona and vic have been saying, because i feel the same way myself. i am proud of all of us and what we have become. yes i want the gold, but no matter what the outcome i will have no regrets because i am already so proud to be rowing with these girls. i feel very very sad to be leaving them after july. a lot of people tell me tt i can row in vancouver, or tt i can join the police team even, but no one seems to get tt to me, the feeling will never be the same. it won't be the same people, the same faces, the same culture and traditions and the same fucking lives.
do you know what it is to feel for the boat? do you know what it's like to carry someone else's weight? or better yet, to have tt whole-hearted trust and unequivocal conviction tt someone is going to carry your weight?
i do. i have tt conviction, i have tt confidence, and i have tt fucking pride, because i know without a doubt tt these girls have been there with me for the past 2 years of my life, and they're going to be there with me this sat and this sun.
and i am so going to fucking miss them after sunday. i will honestly say this now: if i wasn't going to vancouver, i wouldn't leave. even tho i still hate gym, my running still sucks like hell, and i don't really like rowing.
i wouldn't be able to stay away. like mona said: "i would come crawling back." it's the curse of being in the team. once you join, you never want to leave. or even if you try, you just can't stay away.
anyway enough of the emotional stuff. after the debrief, we took a hell lot of photos. i didn't bring my camera today, so all the photos are in everyone else's cameras. but we really took a lot of photos. at the pull-up bar, our 'graduation' photos where we hurled our caps into the air (i had to pretend coz i don't have a cap), the team photos, and of course a whole array (and i really mean A WHOLE ARRAY) of si geena (yes, even the seniors) pictures. and the funniest thing is tt wendy's camera makes this completely HILARIOUS "DOINK" sound when you press the click function on it. it completely cracks me up coz it's so fucking ridiculous! just when you thought it couldn't get any worse for her. i swear, even her damn camera is conspiring to make people laugh at her, as if they don't already laugh at her enough!
"wendy! take a photo of us!"
...
"DOINK!"
okay, admittedly the whole bunch of us were acting like real si geenas. the ntu guys, girls and canoeing team were also at sdba, and they were all quiet and serious and professional... and us nus girls were prancing around, screaming, laughing and doing stupid photowhore poses for our cameras! we have totally no credubility left among the other teams, i swear.
well. looking on the bright side, at least they can underestimate us on race day. heh heh heh. now tt will never be to our disadvantage. besides, i swear we def have a whole lot more fun than anyone else!!! wahaha.
anyway i had to take the damn accelerade tub home with me today. with no plastic bag. had to carry it in my arms. as if the paddle and sponge don't attract enough attention already!
after showering the girls went to settler's cafe for lunch. as usual, the damn cafe prob had to raise their poultry and slaughter it themselves before they could serve their food, coz it ALWAYS takes goddamn forever to come. GRR. oh, but in the meantime we played uno (my table at least), and wahaha. mona totally sucks at uno!
and after lunch we played zombies again, and we completely tried to sabo whoever was going to win! poor lydia got sent to uluville, and then followed by wenya. but no, i refuse to pity wenya! because i was winning (you only need to either a) make your way to the helipad, or b) kill 15 zombies; to win) as i had already demolished 13 zombies, she sabo-ed me by sending me back to the town square away from all the zombies (!!!), and then she and the rest of the players kept sending all the zombies away from me! i was the ONLY player who was chasing after zombies! other players usually tried to avoid them! and then mona found out the hard way tt the different between winning and losing the the number on the dice (she was 1 step away from the helipad... and then she dieded and got sent back to the town square too!!! wahahahaha!). and uh... yirang was in her own world. seriously. in the end pinxiu won, much to lydia's indignance. she was like: "how can The HUH win???" she totally refused to accept her fate. and pinxiu said tt at least The HUH is better than The Idiot. which is what she calls lydia, incidentally.
anyway by the time i finished zombies it was in time to rush down to church to meet my parents. my mom was going for mass there; then we were having dinner with this indonesian family. it was boring as hell. but hey, at least the food was good. and i had a fantastic day today, so i guess everything evens out in the end.
and yes, in-between i was thinking of you. i know you're very busy, and i still find it utterly amazing tt you still manage to find time in your day for me. and i don't know how it is tt we can actually connect, coz you're so much older and i still feel like my lack of experience and maturity may make it difficult for you to understand me. i'm surprised you don't condescend, and tt you're so willing to be so open with me. what i'm scared of the most, is the amount of power tt you are giving me. i'm scared tt i will hurt you because of my own uncertainty and my own need for other people's approval, which i fear may end up jeopardising whatever we might have. and more than tt, i'm scared tt i will end up being hurt. i don't need a man to validate me. never have and never will. but i know personally what it's like to think of someone, to miss someone, and to want to be with someone, and while the feeling is new and strange and alien, i fear tt this may be my downfall.
but i shall not be distracted for now. most important to me is this sat and this sun. i am very glad tt at the very least, you understand tt.
# posted by Kitana @ 6/30/2005 08:53:00 PM 
