absolutum dominium

i don't know how chemistry works (by chemistry i'm not talking about lab and scientific formulas). i don't rem how it felt like ever since jc. didn't think i'd ever know the feeling again coz it's been so long and i generally think tt i'm fated to be single.

for the past 3 years of my life it's been one-sided. either i'd meet people whom i would like but would not feel the same way about me, or i would meet people who were interested in me, but with whom i just couldn't form any kind of connection with.

i don't know how things managed to happen so fast, coz it's purely accidental. i'm leaving in less than 2 months. for a year. i've more or less planned out my study and career path, and i've more or less come to the conclusion tt it's pretty much guaranteed me a life of singlehood.

not tt i'm complaining because i've been so used to this life for so long tt it's second nature.

ironically, you're so right, and yet so wrong. my dad would love you coz you're the right race, the right dialect group, the right religion even, and you def don't have tattoos and you're not going to prison anytime soon. haha.

but everything else is just so wrong. least of all tt i'm so confused.

but the best - or worst - thing, is tt we click. i can talk to you about everything under the sun, and when it comes to jokes you make me laugh so much tt it hurts, and when it comes to serious stuff i feel like you're the only one who gets what i think. coz let's face it like i said. i'm a fucking idealist. and most people don't understand tt.

my sms inbox is always flooded with messages from you. and i need to delete them but i don't know where to start and i can't delete them fast enough. and i find it amusing tt even when you camp out in the office for days on end or when you're outside some bar or club or ktv pub (what an old man hang-out. yeesh) you still call and talk to me for about 20 min at least.

every practical thing tells me tt there is no happy ending. there is nothing but pain and heart break and suffering, because of what you are and what i am. the other differences - what i consider inconsequential differences - mean so much to the rest of society tt everyone will never let us be together. and tt is even if i survive exchange.

i always thought tt i was ready to go on exchange. go away for a year. leave my parents behind. have a fling with a cute canadian boy or 3. hah. and now i don't really want to go anymore. it's not the going tt is the problem. i don't want to leave.

i always thought tt chemistry was the essential element for a relationship to work. i still think it is. scarily, at the worst possible time and in the worst possible situation i think i've found it.

the question now is: what are we going to do?

i know i should just stop everything here to save myself the pain and the trouble later when i sink too fast too far too deep. but i can't bear to. i look forward to every call, every sms, every date tt i have with you. and even though it's been such a short span of time i feel like i know you so well.

i know tt knowing me, i will just continue with this. my motto: cross the bridge when we come to it. i will just let things happen till we're forced to wake up to cold harsh reality.

i just hope i have the strength to deal with things then.