absolutum dominium

i went to the gym yesterday. was supposed to meet jane there but there were a few screw-ups. attended my first spinning class. thank god for francis. i dieded. literally. before half-time i was panting my way through another 'uphill' and i didn't want to look at the instructor (this cute physical trainer called adrian) because i didn't want to see his face. i knew how i looked like and trust me, it sure as hell wasn't pretty.

jane came after the class ended. but she had to leave early coz of one of those sph screw-ups. with about 6 hours to kill, francis helped me with weight-training. didn't do a single machine yesterday for my otot. all free weights. it's horrible. free weights is a lot worse than machine weights. you can't just train strength, you have to train form as well. and seeing as it was tt my arms and back muscles are imbalanced, watching me struggle with 15 lbs on each side for an inclined press work-out is highly comical because i'm literally falling off the damn bench.

killed some time eating and going shopping. indulged in a pair of pink havaianas. damn i'm fucking spendthrift.

and then i went to meet him for dinner and coffee. well. not really coffee. tcc has berry tea, which is fucking purple in colour. talk about a gay drink. but i will admit this, i am totally lost. no matter what feelings i may have felt for someone else, no matter what i used to think, what i used to want, it's not the same anymore.

he's not good-looking. he's not tanned or muscular, the way i like my guys. but he's charming. he's so goddamned charming he puts all other singaporean men i know to shame. he's frank and open. i love his philosophy of life. i love his way of thinking. i love his personality. and most of all, i love the way he makes me laugh. and i'm not just saying jokes or a sense of humour. i have never laughed this fucking hard in a very long time. we were in tcc and i was laughing so much tt people were turning and staring, and my stomach hurt and i felt like i was going into spasms.

melissa is right. i have a huge weakness for bad boys. and we all agree tt he's in the wrong career line. he was telling me about how he'd burnt down to school hall, and the principal's office. the period of suspension served. what his friends used to do, which included the words 'smoke' 'drink' and 'porn' a lot (at least he's honest). he talked about the fun stuff, he talked about the serious stuff. and i feel like i understand him. i don't approve of everything tt he does because sometimes i feel tt the sacrifices tt he makes for other people at his own expense just isn't worth it. like career suicide. but i understand the reasons nonetheless because i feel tt way too.

he says tt i'm too idealistic. i'm not a realist, like him. which is true. i am idealistic. i choose to be idealistic even though i know fucking well tt the world doesn't work tt way. i choose not to see the ugliness of life. but even though he's been through so much more, suffered so much more, seen so much more, no matter how realistic he says he is there is still an innate idealism tt drives him on.

i find it bitterly ironic tt movers and shakers like him get discarded, don't get valued or recognised or appreciated, whereas the jackasses, the political players, the ones who hound the name and the glory but don't do fuck for them, get places.

he anticipates tt i'll become a political creature too. it has to be the way, because of who i am, what status i have, what people will say. i can't say anything to this because i would like to think differently. i would like to think tt i will still be the same person i am now. tt i won't change a goddamn bit.

but i have had a taste of things to come, and i know tt he might be right. i have an idea of what might be coming up, and although i haven't yet been immersed, i'm not a fool and i'm not oblivious.

it screams of impossibility on every level. yet i admit tt i do like him. a lot.

i don't rem anyone making me laugh so much. or think so much. i enjoy intellectual conversation. i enjoy philosophical conversations. i enjoy being in the company of mature, open-minded people who can teach me a thing or two. i am impressed by guys who can put their egos aside and not do tt whole "me caveman. argh. you my woman. you come with me" type behaviour. which incidentally too many singaporean guys i know behave tt way.

did i mention tt he makes me laugh?

his friend came around 11pm. he had to go sign some friends into chinablack, so i left for china bar with his friend to listen to john molina sing. haven't heard a live band in a long long time. john molina was impressive, not tt i expected any less from a singer of tt calibre. last night wasn't really his night coz his band was a little off, esp for timing. but he sang stereophonics' 'dakota'. and the drummer impressed me with his technical expertise.

i got home after the first set, which ended around 12.30am. by the time i slept it was around 1.30am, and i woke up for training this morning at 5.40am.

accelerade just doesn't make me feel good. spent the entire time in the boat feeling like i was going to throw up. it's not a very fun feeling, esp when you are doing race sets. after tt we went to play soccer/captain's ball for fun. then i went to meet my insurance agent about a possible savings plan for my retirement. i feel old.

sometimes it's not as easy to be as carefree as i would like to be. sometimes i need to plan, to do things, and even though i would rather leave them till later, i can't do tt all the time.

i slept for about 2 hours when i came back. was very tired. woke up for dinner, and here i am. tomorrow i'm going to the gym again. hopefully i can meet jane for a longer time. and then i'm going to meet someone who used to have an impact on me. when i'd asked to meet him then, he still did. but now things are different.

even i am scared by the sudden change of heart. it's really not like me.