absolutum dominium

it's less than 2 weeks to race day. i feel unprepared still, and i'll say tt honestly. i still rem the 2 weeks to race day 1 year ago, when i was a junior. it felt different then. but i guess the difference was tt then i had something to prove. tt was the one sole driving motivation for me: to prove myself. tt i was not lousy, tt i would not be a burden, tt i could carry my own damn weight and be an asset to the team and not let them down. i rem the race sets i did. i was a screamer. coz during the last 200m when i got so tired and my arm just burrrrrned the only way i could punch it all the way down was the make animal noises from tt point till the finishing line. tt's how it all started for me.

this year i don't have to prove myself anymore. but it's also my last year. my last 2 weeks in the team. like yunshan said, we want to end well. i def want a medal. maybe it's my fault for being complacent, coz i want it to be gold. but at the same time i feel like cindy. excited and anticipatory, yet dreading. i feel like i'm not prepared. i'm correcting my stroke, i'm putting in the power, i'm trying to follow the pacer, but yet i feel like i don't *feel* the damn boat.

maybe in the race for medals team spirit, mo qi, chemistry etc, is secondary and tt it is not the primary goal. but it's like my achilles heel. without feeling the mo qi, i can't be as confident as i should. everyone says tt they are pushing their limit, and i can see on the faces who are pushing themselves, but somehow something just doesn't add up. and i hate it when i have to be the angry one, the one pushing blame around, the one accusing others of whatever. i'm no angel. i can try, but at this point in time honestly speaking i'm not there yet, whatever 'there' is. i've not peaked. i've not hit tt level where i can confidently say tt i can't get any better. i still can't get everything right. i still tire out too easily. i still get frustrated and angry easily. i can't control my goddamned temper.

but i have to try. it's 2 more weeks. i think we have to be positive. no matter how negative i might feel inside, i should stop letting it show. i should set an example as a senior to inspire my teammates. an atmosphere of negativity, frustration and blame isn't going to get us anywhere. maybe we should just do our best to be positive. from now on i shall not accord blame, i shall check my temper, and i will encourage as often as possible.

and yes. i must must must improve my stroke, my strength and my endurance.

race is in 2 weeks. i have to stop deluding myself.

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in other news: i miss jane sam and wanyi. i'll say this honestly, i feel a bit jealous when i read your blogs coz i feel like i'm really missing out. i haven't gone to phuture or any other place, i haven't been socialising... i haven't been doing jack except training and attachment. and i miss you girls like hell. i miss just hanging out, bitching, eating at gelare's or tcc or ben and jerry's and our bonding sessions at room 508. even though sam and wanyi are busy and working, it seems like me, the unemployed unincomed one seems to be missing the most out of life.

not tt i am complaining about whatever i am doing now, but once again i've lost tt balance tt i've been trying so hard to maintain, and that is a bad thing. i'm not free this week... can we arrange a date for next week? and i rem telling so many other people tt i missed them and i wanted to meet up with them too. and i haven't arranged anything yet. i'm so sorry i've been so damn anti-social.

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my attachment last week made me very restless. after getting a taste of my future, i feel caged. like there's so much waiting for me and i just wish the time would hurry up and pass faster. there's so much to do for my exchange. i still haven't applied for my study permit coz i haven't got all the necessary documentation, and sometimes the waiting frustrates me. there's a lot to do and my mind is so cluttered right now.

but i want to go into the force. unfortunately, i think i'm still too idealistic for my own good. my reasons for joining the force were because i wanted to learn. wanted to see a different side of society, meet the people i would never meet otherwise, learn things about them and about myself, lead a life of excitement and action, and somehow somewhere someway find some kind of fulfilment and meaning to my existence.

but to be honest everyone's been telling me tt tt's not going to happen. scholars don't go to the ground. scholars don't see these people. scholars do paperwork, scholars write policies, scholars become the bosses of the people who ARE on the ground.

i don't want tt. i don't want to spend my life dealing with a computer screen or fake scenarios. i've always believed tt a degree was no match for experience. education is not the same as street cred. i respect someone who without the means, the opportunities and the chances, manages to carve his own niche in the world, rise up through the ranks and actually become someone to be proud of.

i feel tt life is innately unfair. of course, i have been scoffed at. like he says, it all boils down to who you were born to. pretty? coz you were born tt way. rich? coz you were born tt way. enough money and a proper family to get an education and become society's elite? coz you were fucking born tt way.

i shouldn't be complaining coz i get to be the creme de la creme through no effort of my own. coz i happened to be born to a relativwely good family in a good area and go to a good school, i get to get a good scholarship tt pretty much makes me the boss of a few hundred people below me with at least 7 years more experience than me. the only difference is tt i get to be a boss without any experience because according to the law a degree is worth more than a diploma. the world is fucked up. i just happened to be on the so called 'right' side.

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speaking of which, i'm confused now. i'm leaving in less than 2 months for 1 whole year. my intention was to concentrate on race, then concentrate on exchange preparations, then leave. feelings, emotions, and relationships were to be entirely extrenuous.

i'm kind of angry actually. i'm kind of angry tt when i first liked you, you politely reciprocated but just barely because you didn't feel the same way. and i respected tt. and now tt i have come to terms with everything and just treat you as i should, as a normal friend, somehow it seems like you want me to treat you the way i used to. but you and i both know tt i'm leaving and i can't afford to let you affect me as much as you used to be able to anymore. sometimes i just wish you would stop sending me mixed messages. i still like you and i still think tt you're everything i want, even though practically-speaking our backgrounds are so different tt we're almost from different worlds and i shouldn't push it, but now tt i'm managing to distance myself emotionally from you i wish you would just let me. sigh. i'm too much of a dreamer. i know.

and then i'm also confused coz there's someone else now. and this i comepletely didn't expect or anticipate. i like looking at eye candy, but my plan had always been to keep things superficial. to stay separate coz i can't afford to get close. i'm sure you just want things to be on a platonic level, and i will treat you tt way, but the messages tt you send me are giving me the wrong impression. maybe it's my overactive imagination. you know tt i'm so busy, you know tt i'll be gone soon, and you're 10 fucking years older than me. but the fact tt i have an immense amount of respect for you, the fact tt you're my role model, and the fact tt i possibly have a crush on you, is making me very confused. i know i should stop thinking. thinking too much is bad.

johnny thinks tt i'm just being a typical girl, too emotional and too soft. buying all the crap. the usual stuff. and i wouldn't be surprised if he were right, although i'm not listening at this point in time. i've taken some hard knocks and i think i've learnt enough to be what i am now compared to what i was a year ago, but the problem with me is tt at the end of the day, i'm still a fucking romantic idealist. inspite of all tt i know, i still believe in red roses and white lace. fuck. tt's probably my biggest weakness. of course you will never know this because i will never admit this to you. so we'll just be 'friends', even though i'm in a turmoil.

and i don't even know what to do about the other guy. sigh.

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ok ok. enough ranting. maybe i'll just get back to watching desperate housewives.