absolutum dominium

it was a revelation, sitting beside him on the bus and holding his hand and for the first time dreading the distance being reduced as the journey to my home progressed tonight.

never wanting the moment, the time spent with him to end.

i went to the gym in the morning. attended christina's and cheslyn's body combat class. jane and melissa didn't join me today coz jane clubbed on wed and melissa was donating blood. but i met debbie. my back muscles ache like fuck. but at least today i was feeling better so i could keep up and i didn't look like i was going to keel over and die.

i met him at shaw house. he'd gone to buy the tickets for sin city at 2pm before cutting his hair. the hair cut takes some years off his face. but i realise tt for me, it's gone beyond age or physical appearance. it doesn't matter anymore. when he reaches for my hand, when he puts an arm around my shoulder, i feel secure and protected. i didn't even know tt with my size, muscles and black belt, i'd still be able to feel tt way. it constantly perplexes me.

he bought my lunch. lasagne from pizza hut. then we went up to watch the movie. he calls it "his kind of movie". i didn't say it then, but it's *my* kinda movie too. to say tt i enjoyed sin city is an understatement. i loved it. i loved the style, the comic-book atmosphere and overall effect of the movie. i loved the characterisation and tt 'pulp fiction' like quality grit to everything. i loved the way no one was really glamourised and beautiful, except maybe the ever-so-hot jessica alba as tt sexy stripper nancy callahan.

he thinks he's going to end up like the cop hartigan in the movie. haha. to be honest i see him as a hartigan. although he's not old enough to be my grandfather and he did not rescue me from some sick psycho rapist paedophile murdering bastard who turns yellow after 8 years.

man. i miss my comic books. my darkness and witchblade. and now i want to read sin city as well.

it's really really fucking good. violent? hell yeah (true to frank miller fashion). dark? yepz. gritty? definitely. unbelievable? of course unrealistic. even stereotypical and a little too glory-centred in certain instances. but the portrayals of honour and justice tt exists in a world where corruption thrives, just gets me. it really does.

i got myself a white belt to hold up my jeans from far east. then he needed to get a present for one of his good friends, and he can't shop to save his life. so we walked into G2000 and i saw something tt would go well with tt guy's skin tone. the miracle was tt i convinced him to get a long-sleeved shirt tt was not plain and dark-coloured, but rather striped, light and had more than 1 colour. i think tt is considered a feat.

then we headed over to the boat quay tcc for dinner. he calls it 'paying homage'. everytime we go out, we will go to tcc at least once. it's not even my suggestion anymore. i'm amused. i had macaroni gratin. not really the macaroni and cheese tt i still crave like fuck, but it'll do for now. some 'friend' wanted to meet up with him. in the end just as we'd suspected, the guy was trying to sell him something.

he ended up diverting the guy's attention by telling the guy his life stories. well. life stories aren't tt interesting in general. unless you're him. and then your jc history can include bbq parties tt turn into mass sex orgies tt go throughout the night and continue to the second day. hmm.

after the guy left, we walked from boat quay to the esplanade bustop so tt i could show him the race courses for july and november. i ended up telling him about my past, including the aspects tt i generally prefer to keep secret. and he never flinched. never once judged me. never showed pity or sympathy or patronised me or said "there there it's over now" or "i'm so sorry". and yes, my respect for him has been upped quite a few notches.

i guess it's coz he's more experienced. seen much more and much worse. done much more himself. people ask how do i trust him? he loves the nightlife. he drinks a hell of a lot almost every night. he goes to nightclubs and ktv pubs and tells me about how his friends hit on strange women. he has so many friends who fuck around even though they're attached or even married.

i can't tell you how i trust him. i trust him as a feeling. on instinct. i trust him because he's straightforward and honest with me. yes, he tells me he may have once fucked around, but tt was tt and he's done with tt part of his life. he doesn't hide anything. he doesn't pretend to be a martyr or act like some self-righteous fucked up moron. he shows me who he is, and i accept tt and i respect tt.

i know tt the friends worry. i'll be gone for 1 year. there is only a month plus before i leave. can a new and fragile relationship survive a 1 year absence? i don't know. i can't tell you. we both have decided to have no expectations. yes we're together but he doesn't want a promise of commitment from me. he says he will be committed to me and waiting, but he's giving me the option to change my mind (yeah. i know. i'm getting a fucking good deal and i think he's really too fucking good to me). we're going on feelings here.

when there is nothing else, there is tt feeling of happiness tt we feel when we're with each other. it doesn't matter if we don't do anything at all. it doesn't matter if we don't say anything to each other. my bro calls it 'contentment'. let's be cliche. let's call it 'bliss'. but it's there. it exists, tho i still have no goddamned idea how.

so we both came to this conclusion (i told you. we both think so alike i think it's fucking scary): if He has a plan for all this, then no matter all the obstacles and barriers tt we have to overcome, we'll be strong enough to survive them all.

i'm meeting kai (finally) and yuwei tomorrow. god, i missed youu girls so much. and i love you both too. kai, i'm sorry for everything tt transpired. want you both to know tt no matter how busy we all 3 are, your friendships mean the world to me.