Sunday, August 21, 2005
i don't know what to call this post.
i'm fucking tired now. fucking tired and exhausted. yet why do i blog?
to remember.
yesterday my day started out pretty late. had lunch with the parents; did my dad's script thingy... and then the boy changed his mind and decided tt meeting me was preferable to 2 more hours of sleep.
so we had zi cha at boat quay. at this kopitiam where he tells me he used to frequently when he once owned this bar called 'racers' edge', which had a theme revolving around women and fast cars. what else? the aunties have known him for over 5 years, so whenever he comes they give him a discount and more food. we ordered a plate of salted fish fried rice, a bbq sambal stinggray, a fuyong egg dish and kailan. and no, we couldn't finish. it was an obscene amount of food.
i didn't know tt you could actually get cheap eats at a place like boat quay. apparently it's one of those pre-drinking places. where you go before you get yourself sloshed.
we walked back to city hall from boat quay. i was complaining about how ugly the new supreme court building looks like. it looks as tho a space ship has landed on its roof. i explain it as justifying those 'out-of-this-world' cases and judgments. he went to a cybercafe to check out liverpool news coz he doesn't have a pc at home at all, and i spent half the time revelling in how arsenal would probably be in a higher position in the league table. esp coz the reds don't have strong strikers tt can turn chances into goals, and rafa's not bringing owen back. oh well.
took an mrt to pasir ris, then 403 to geok's party. never follow people blindly. i made it safely to the roundabout, but then decided to follow the herd since i assumed tt they would lead me to the pa holiday flats... and i ended up somewhere in some bbq pit in pasir ris park. had to walk back till i could somehow spot geok and co.
anyway i found them. geok has an amazingly large family. and a whole lot of chicken wings! grace was bbqing rows of wings after wings after wings. wings were a staple on the bbq pit. meiping and peiwen were there; so were wendy and vic and the juniors like yirang and cindy and wenya, and there were 3 new juniors. except tt i don't know the names of 2 of them except randy. and hanqi and bc and siewling were also there. and the new coach chee hong made his appearance, such tt as expected db conversation turned to training, rowing, strokes and technique.
sometimes it makes me feel like a fish out of water. don't want to listen coz it's damn fucking extra can... but it's all just strange. i guess tt's all a part of growing up. i look at people like hanqi and i rem how strange and alien i found them when i just joined the sport, and now i'm in hanqi's position myself. it's so strange. but i can't go back anyway coz i'm fatigued. a bit. and i think i'm past my time. and it just isn't the same anymore. the culture's different. not tt i won't be able to get used to this new culture, but maybe, just maybe, i would prefer the comfort of familiarity.
the last time i'll be seeing all these girls again. i try not to think about it.
i took the last 88 back with wendy. was originally intending to stay over, but somehow it seemed a little uncomfortable, plus geok looked so tired from training plus having to attend to her family and her other friends, tt it wouldn't seem fair to tax her further. the boy was watching liverpool vs. sunderland at home, so i decided to drop by his place instead and see where we could go from there.
the 88 bus ride took around 45 min, as according to wendy. it goes from pasir ris to punggol, sengkang, hougang, ang mo kio, bishan, and finally, toa payoh. i miss talking to wendy. we were just reminiscing about old times and how old we both feel. somehow... the juniors seem to have bonded so quickly. it's this strange june/july race phenomenon. it really does bond people. she actually reminded me of how i used to be such a loner, coz everyone else tended to speak chinese. diff frequency. for some strange reason, it seems everyone now speaks english. coz my chinse sure as hell hasn't improved. hmm. in fact, i rem i wasn't tt close to wendy either... but we were welfare duo, we went to see linkin park together... and we're the rock chicks! hahaha. and the rock chicks pose is almost as prominent as the twins pose and the vic-wendy poses now. :)
more things to miss. more people to miss. there's a void tt comes from standing on the outside looking in, but i know i'm one of the lucky ones. coz not too long ago, i was on the inside.
i'll miss geok. i'll miss wendy. i'll also miss yirang, whom i became closer to after penang, and cindy and her lameness and her caring (she has this maternal instinct underneath the si geena-ness), and jul and her stoic steadiness and maturity, and the list just goes on and on...
after a false alarm tt i'd missed my stop, i found it. heng. walking around after 12 looking for some elusive block isn't exactly my idea of a fun time. he came out to meet me. we went to ms for drinks, and we stayed out all night. and i was so tired by close-to-3am actually coz we'd done so much walking. he was so pensive, so quiet, so brooding last night. completely unlike himself. he was just talking and then he got emotional, and i'd never seen tt before. not from a guy, and never would i have expected from someone like him. in some perverse way, it makes me happy to realise how much i actually mean to someone who means so much to me. but yet... And he's a traditionalist. he still believes tt the male should take care of the female, whether she needs it or not. he still believes tt the male should be the strong one, the supportive one. and it takes a lot to break tt kind of resolve.
i can't get to sleep around people except in lectures, tutorials and in church. i don't like having my personal space invaded. but i fall asleep in his arms. one moment he's talking to me and the next i'm gone. i would like to say tt it's perplexing, but it's not. i don't feel encroached upon. i don't feel like someone is pushing into my private space. i feel reassured, and protected. and he stayed awake and watched me sleep all night.
we had brunch at whampoa. then i followed him to his office and helped him do simple stuff/read newspapers while he prepared some work. and then we watched taxi - tt luc besson film - on his comp. i was like, "don't your colleagues mind?" but nope. they don't. anyway it's a sunday. weren't tt many people around. but i seem to be able to fit in okay. i feel like a foreign body here, and yet they go on as if everything is normal and all is fine. and one of the girls (actually it's the only girl there) is really nice to me and she offered me one packet of hello panda from her collection to eat, even though she was really really tired.
went to return some vcds to plaza sing. had tea at kfc there. ok. was more like a meal. then we both went back home. i was so tired already. but there was still the family dinner tonight.
we went to gilman heights, my parents, my 2nd uncle + his wife, my 6th uncle and his wife, and their 2 daughters. one of whom being my brightest spark miss tan siew hoong. who was trying to talk to me while we were washing our hands after eating black pepper crabs, but with a bit of difficulty coz my mom was lurking. and my dad's been going on about how if she gets a bf he wants to be the first one to pass it through. and how everyone seems to think i'm going to come back with an ang moh bf from canada.
yeah. my parents still don't know about the boy. like i said, i need to wait till i come back. right now things just don't look in our favour. from the outset, it's fucking easy to pick out 101 reasons why he's wrong for me. they won't be able to see what i see in him, and why i am with him, and what i feel for him. i must have done something right in my life to have found him, and i think tt he's one of the best things tt have happened so far. but the fact of the matter is tt they are not going to see tt.
and if i'm off to canada for 1 year i won't even be around to show them tt. i need time, i need certainty. if we can last 1 year, there'll be tt certainty. if i'm around after one year, i can convince them. i won't let them give him a hard time. we can change their minds if they have any doubts. and his position will prob be better so some objections may be removed.
so tt's why i can't tell them yet. i worry tt if i tell them now and they stop this, what can we do? how can we meet again? at least now if they don't yet know i can still see my baby till i leave. and when i return we can settle everything tt we have to.
the only downside is yeah... how will he see me off at the airport? dee suggests tt she drag him along as her friend. be my cover. haha. my cousin is so sweet. actually some of the other friends have also suggested this to me. but i don't know... i have a better idea, but i'll leave tt to itself for now. things will work themselves out.
as he says, things will always fall into place. someway somewhere sometime somehow.
and i belong to him. 4 months, and he'll come up to find me.
YOU BELONG TO ME -
Jason Wade (of Lifehouse)
see the pyramids around the Nile
watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
just remember darling all the while -
you belong to me
see the marketplace in old Angier
send me photographs and souvenirs
just remember when a dream appears -
you belong to me
and I'll be so alone without you
maybe you'll be lonesome too
fly the ocean in a silver plane
see the jungle when it's wet with rain
just remember till you're home again -
you belong to me
oh I'll be so alone without you
maybe you'll be lonesome too
fly the ocean in a silver plane
see the jungle when it's wet with rain
just remember till you're home again -
you belong to me
now playing: hotel costes - cafe de flor
i'm fucking tired now. fucking tired and exhausted. yet why do i blog?
to remember.
yesterday my day started out pretty late. had lunch with the parents; did my dad's script thingy... and then the boy changed his mind and decided tt meeting me was preferable to 2 more hours of sleep.
so we had zi cha at boat quay. at this kopitiam where he tells me he used to frequently when he once owned this bar called 'racers' edge', which had a theme revolving around women and fast cars. what else? the aunties have known him for over 5 years, so whenever he comes they give him a discount and more food. we ordered a plate of salted fish fried rice, a bbq sambal stinggray, a fuyong egg dish and kailan. and no, we couldn't finish. it was an obscene amount of food.
i didn't know tt you could actually get cheap eats at a place like boat quay. apparently it's one of those pre-drinking places. where you go before you get yourself sloshed.
we walked back to city hall from boat quay. i was complaining about how ugly the new supreme court building looks like. it looks as tho a space ship has landed on its roof. i explain it as justifying those 'out-of-this-world' cases and judgments. he went to a cybercafe to check out liverpool news coz he doesn't have a pc at home at all, and i spent half the time revelling in how arsenal would probably be in a higher position in the league table. esp coz the reds don't have strong strikers tt can turn chances into goals, and rafa's not bringing owen back. oh well.
took an mrt to pasir ris, then 403 to geok's party. never follow people blindly. i made it safely to the roundabout, but then decided to follow the herd since i assumed tt they would lead me to the pa holiday flats... and i ended up somewhere in some bbq pit in pasir ris park. had to walk back till i could somehow spot geok and co.
anyway i found them. geok has an amazingly large family. and a whole lot of chicken wings! grace was bbqing rows of wings after wings after wings. wings were a staple on the bbq pit. meiping and peiwen were there; so were wendy and vic and the juniors like yirang and cindy and wenya, and there were 3 new juniors. except tt i don't know the names of 2 of them except randy. and hanqi and bc and siewling were also there. and the new coach chee hong made his appearance, such tt as expected db conversation turned to training, rowing, strokes and technique.
sometimes it makes me feel like a fish out of water. don't want to listen coz it's damn fucking extra can... but it's all just strange. i guess tt's all a part of growing up. i look at people like hanqi and i rem how strange and alien i found them when i just joined the sport, and now i'm in hanqi's position myself. it's so strange. but i can't go back anyway coz i'm fatigued. a bit. and i think i'm past my time. and it just isn't the same anymore. the culture's different. not tt i won't be able to get used to this new culture, but maybe, just maybe, i would prefer the comfort of familiarity.
the last time i'll be seeing all these girls again. i try not to think about it.
i took the last 88 back with wendy. was originally intending to stay over, but somehow it seemed a little uncomfortable, plus geok looked so tired from training plus having to attend to her family and her other friends, tt it wouldn't seem fair to tax her further. the boy was watching liverpool vs. sunderland at home, so i decided to drop by his place instead and see where we could go from there.
the 88 bus ride took around 45 min, as according to wendy. it goes from pasir ris to punggol, sengkang, hougang, ang mo kio, bishan, and finally, toa payoh. i miss talking to wendy. we were just reminiscing about old times and how old we both feel. somehow... the juniors seem to have bonded so quickly. it's this strange june/july race phenomenon. it really does bond people. she actually reminded me of how i used to be such a loner, coz everyone else tended to speak chinese. diff frequency. for some strange reason, it seems everyone now speaks english. coz my chinse sure as hell hasn't improved. hmm. in fact, i rem i wasn't tt close to wendy either... but we were welfare duo, we went to see linkin park together... and we're the rock chicks! hahaha. and the rock chicks pose is almost as prominent as the twins pose and the vic-wendy poses now. :)
more things to miss. more people to miss. there's a void tt comes from standing on the outside looking in, but i know i'm one of the lucky ones. coz not too long ago, i was on the inside.
i'll miss geok. i'll miss wendy. i'll also miss yirang, whom i became closer to after penang, and cindy and her lameness and her caring (she has this maternal instinct underneath the si geena-ness), and jul and her stoic steadiness and maturity, and the list just goes on and on...
after a false alarm tt i'd missed my stop, i found it. heng. walking around after 12 looking for some elusive block isn't exactly my idea of a fun time. he came out to meet me. we went to ms for drinks, and we stayed out all night. and i was so tired by close-to-3am actually coz we'd done so much walking. he was so pensive, so quiet, so brooding last night. completely unlike himself. he was just talking and then he got emotional, and i'd never seen tt before. not from a guy, and never would i have expected from someone like him. in some perverse way, it makes me happy to realise how much i actually mean to someone who means so much to me. but yet... And he's a traditionalist. he still believes tt the male should take care of the female, whether she needs it or not. he still believes tt the male should be the strong one, the supportive one. and it takes a lot to break tt kind of resolve.
i can't get to sleep around people except in lectures, tutorials and in church. i don't like having my personal space invaded. but i fall asleep in his arms. one moment he's talking to me and the next i'm gone. i would like to say tt it's perplexing, but it's not. i don't feel encroached upon. i don't feel like someone is pushing into my private space. i feel reassured, and protected. and he stayed awake and watched me sleep all night.
we had brunch at whampoa. then i followed him to his office and helped him do simple stuff/read newspapers while he prepared some work. and then we watched taxi - tt luc besson film - on his comp. i was like, "don't your colleagues mind?" but nope. they don't. anyway it's a sunday. weren't tt many people around. but i seem to be able to fit in okay. i feel like a foreign body here, and yet they go on as if everything is normal and all is fine. and one of the girls (actually it's the only girl there) is really nice to me and she offered me one packet of hello panda from her collection to eat, even though she was really really tired.
went to return some vcds to plaza sing. had tea at kfc there. ok. was more like a meal. then we both went back home. i was so tired already. but there was still the family dinner tonight.
we went to gilman heights, my parents, my 2nd uncle + his wife, my 6th uncle and his wife, and their 2 daughters. one of whom being my brightest spark miss tan siew hoong. who was trying to talk to me while we were washing our hands after eating black pepper crabs, but with a bit of difficulty coz my mom was lurking. and my dad's been going on about how if she gets a bf he wants to be the first one to pass it through. and how everyone seems to think i'm going to come back with an ang moh bf from canada.
yeah. my parents still don't know about the boy. like i said, i need to wait till i come back. right now things just don't look in our favour. from the outset, it's fucking easy to pick out 101 reasons why he's wrong for me. they won't be able to see what i see in him, and why i am with him, and what i feel for him. i must have done something right in my life to have found him, and i think tt he's one of the best things tt have happened so far. but the fact of the matter is tt they are not going to see tt.
and if i'm off to canada for 1 year i won't even be around to show them tt. i need time, i need certainty. if we can last 1 year, there'll be tt certainty. if i'm around after one year, i can convince them. i won't let them give him a hard time. we can change their minds if they have any doubts. and his position will prob be better so some objections may be removed.
so tt's why i can't tell them yet. i worry tt if i tell them now and they stop this, what can we do? how can we meet again? at least now if they don't yet know i can still see my baby till i leave. and when i return we can settle everything tt we have to.
the only downside is yeah... how will he see me off at the airport? dee suggests tt she drag him along as her friend. be my cover. haha. my cousin is so sweet. actually some of the other friends have also suggested this to me. but i don't know... i have a better idea, but i'll leave tt to itself for now. things will work themselves out.
as he says, things will always fall into place. someway somewhere sometime somehow.
and i belong to him. 4 months, and he'll come up to find me.
YOU BELONG TO ME -
Jason Wade (of Lifehouse)
see the pyramids around the Nile
watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
just remember darling all the while -
you belong to me
see the marketplace in old Angier
send me photographs and souvenirs
just remember when a dream appears -
you belong to me
and I'll be so alone without you
maybe you'll be lonesome too
fly the ocean in a silver plane
see the jungle when it's wet with rain
just remember till you're home again -
you belong to me
oh I'll be so alone without you
maybe you'll be lonesome too
fly the ocean in a silver plane
see the jungle when it's wet with rain
just remember till you're home again -
you belong to me
# posted by Kitana @ 8/21/2005 11:48:00 PM 
