Wednesday, August 03, 2005
on PMS
warning: this is a girls-only topic.
actually. you can read this if you're a guy. we do after all, live in a quasi-liberated society. unless of course you're sensitive. in which case i disclaim myself from all responsibility towards your health or sensibilities.
that said. man...
you know how when it's tt time of the month, girls get *really* hormonally-charged and PMS-ey and fucking moody? that's why it's called PMS. it's either PRE or POST-menstrual syndrome, where the body releases more oestrogen causing a hormonal imbalance tt among other things, results in extreme mood swings. this may also be exacerbated by the abdominal cramps tt we might face as well.
but for me, my PMS begins approx a WEEK before tt time of the month. don't ask how or why. it's just tt through empirical observation, i have over the past 10 years come to realise certain truths about my body.
mainly, it's coz i'm feeling. i'm feeling my emotional side engaging my rational side in a tug-of-war right now. i know tt my emotions are running high. i'm feeling depressed, nostalgic, and when i'm alone and not with my team or my friends and esp my baby, i feel goddamn fucking insecure.
usually i'm independent. sure, i feel the pain, the loss, the grief. but i can manage. i can conduct myself day to day to day without too much trouble. i can separate one aspect of my life from another.
but right now i'm extremely moody. i'm feeling the emotions all so much more intently than usual. i can't believe tt my mind is playing out worst-case scenarios in my head all the time and making me question, judge, and even suspect the most innocent of reasons and excuses for things done or not done. and this is when i would consider myself normally secure enough in my own trust or convictions.
the good thing about recognising tt your moods and emotions are a direct result of your hormonal changes, is tt you know how to deal with it. you can tell yourself tt you're just being paranoid and emotional and tt every single negative thing tt you might imagine is completely rationally groundless. but the bad thing is tt even so, your emotional side is still wagering tt tug-of-war with rationality.
tt's why during times like these, i need to be busy. i need to do things. i need to either do what i like doing alone, like taking long bus rides and staring into the space and thinking, like i've always loved to do; or to find friends and company and just talk cock and embrace the happy moments.
or to be with my baby. 3 days without him and i can't help starting to doubt. i've acknowledged tt soccer is his #1 love, i've recognised his dedication to his work; but even so i can't help feeling like i'm a 2-digit ranking in his list of priorities. and i know tt i'm sure as hell not coz he treats me like a fucking princess, and even if i were so what? i've already decided to love him and to accept him because tt's what he's giving me. i can afford to be less dependent on him.
but yet... i don't know how these moments of insecurity grip me. very tightly. but he'd called me late last night. upset. thinks his father is dying. and he knows tt he doesn't have any love for his dad, and what upsets him is how hurt his mom is and how everything is burdening her. couldn't say much. what can you say tt hasn't been said? what comfort can you give tt doesn't sound contrived? all tt you can do is listen...
and today he was talking about our future. and somehow the more he lays out the ground for me, the slimmer the chances are. the question of love vs. career will definitely come in. will i be able to withstand the pressures of society? what if my superiors and the people whom i respect start advising me to leave him for the sake of my career? he alreay made it clear tt if tt ever happened to me, he would make the decision for me. he would leave me first.
what am i expected to say or do? even i don't know. i know i love him now, but who's to say 4 or 5 years later. i know tt right now my career isn't the cure-all end-all to my life's objectives, but to say tt i'm not ambitious would be a lie. because i do want to get somewhere, be someone, get a rank, get a decent salary, get enough to afford my own house and car and provide my parents with a comfortable living.
can i afford to choose him over my career? i can't answer tt now. i don't want to make promises i cannot keep.
the prospects leave me cold. all i can do is to tell my rational side tt i heed the advice. i heed the warnings. but i've chosen to go with emotions. i have chosen to live for the now, experience the present and fuck care the future. i've fallen i've been hurt i've failed... and i've gotten back on my feet, bruised and all, and emerged all the more stronger for tt.
i want to live. i guess tt much we've agreed on.
we had dinner at kenny roger's. i finally satisfied my mac and cheese craving. yay. but we were both SO STUFFED!!! wahaha. he fell asleep on the bus. it was hilarious. he's my giant teddy bear. and i'm glad i met up with him. because all my insecurities just melted away the moment i saw him.
is this what it means to be a girl?
now playing: hotel costes - cafe de flor
actually. you can read this if you're a guy. we do after all, live in a quasi-liberated society. unless of course you're sensitive. in which case i disclaim myself from all responsibility towards your health or sensibilities.
that said. man...
you know how when it's tt time of the month, girls get *really* hormonally-charged and PMS-ey and fucking moody? that's why it's called PMS. it's either PRE or POST-menstrual syndrome, where the body releases more oestrogen causing a hormonal imbalance tt among other things, results in extreme mood swings. this may also be exacerbated by the abdominal cramps tt we might face as well.
but for me, my PMS begins approx a WEEK before tt time of the month. don't ask how or why. it's just tt through empirical observation, i have over the past 10 years come to realise certain truths about my body.
mainly, it's coz i'm feeling. i'm feeling my emotional side engaging my rational side in a tug-of-war right now. i know tt my emotions are running high. i'm feeling depressed, nostalgic, and when i'm alone and not with my team or my friends and esp my baby, i feel goddamn fucking insecure.
usually i'm independent. sure, i feel the pain, the loss, the grief. but i can manage. i can conduct myself day to day to day without too much trouble. i can separate one aspect of my life from another.
but right now i'm extremely moody. i'm feeling the emotions all so much more intently than usual. i can't believe tt my mind is playing out worst-case scenarios in my head all the time and making me question, judge, and even suspect the most innocent of reasons and excuses for things done or not done. and this is when i would consider myself normally secure enough in my own trust or convictions.
the good thing about recognising tt your moods and emotions are a direct result of your hormonal changes, is tt you know how to deal with it. you can tell yourself tt you're just being paranoid and emotional and tt every single negative thing tt you might imagine is completely rationally groundless. but the bad thing is tt even so, your emotional side is still wagering tt tug-of-war with rationality.
tt's why during times like these, i need to be busy. i need to do things. i need to either do what i like doing alone, like taking long bus rides and staring into the space and thinking, like i've always loved to do; or to find friends and company and just talk cock and embrace the happy moments.
or to be with my baby. 3 days without him and i can't help starting to doubt. i've acknowledged tt soccer is his #1 love, i've recognised his dedication to his work; but even so i can't help feeling like i'm a 2-digit ranking in his list of priorities. and i know tt i'm sure as hell not coz he treats me like a fucking princess, and even if i were so what? i've already decided to love him and to accept him because tt's what he's giving me. i can afford to be less dependent on him.
but yet... i don't know how these moments of insecurity grip me. very tightly. but he'd called me late last night. upset. thinks his father is dying. and he knows tt he doesn't have any love for his dad, and what upsets him is how hurt his mom is and how everything is burdening her. couldn't say much. what can you say tt hasn't been said? what comfort can you give tt doesn't sound contrived? all tt you can do is listen...
and today he was talking about our future. and somehow the more he lays out the ground for me, the slimmer the chances are. the question of love vs. career will definitely come in. will i be able to withstand the pressures of society? what if my superiors and the people whom i respect start advising me to leave him for the sake of my career? he alreay made it clear tt if tt ever happened to me, he would make the decision for me. he would leave me first.
what am i expected to say or do? even i don't know. i know i love him now, but who's to say 4 or 5 years later. i know tt right now my career isn't the cure-all end-all to my life's objectives, but to say tt i'm not ambitious would be a lie. because i do want to get somewhere, be someone, get a rank, get a decent salary, get enough to afford my own house and car and provide my parents with a comfortable living.
can i afford to choose him over my career? i can't answer tt now. i don't want to make promises i cannot keep.
the prospects leave me cold. all i can do is to tell my rational side tt i heed the advice. i heed the warnings. but i've chosen to go with emotions. i have chosen to live for the now, experience the present and fuck care the future. i've fallen i've been hurt i've failed... and i've gotten back on my feet, bruised and all, and emerged all the more stronger for tt.
i want to live. i guess tt much we've agreed on.
we had dinner at kenny roger's. i finally satisfied my mac and cheese craving. yay. but we were both SO STUFFED!!! wahaha. he fell asleep on the bus. it was hilarious. he's my giant teddy bear. and i'm glad i met up with him. because all my insecurities just melted away the moment i saw him.
is this what it means to be a girl?
# posted by Kitana @ 8/03/2005 12:08:00 AM 
