absolutum dominium

fuck it. i know tt this blog has become much more public than i would have liked. but still. it is my blog, and it is still my platform to write as i deem fit. maybe i might move one more time as accessibility and visibility increases, but then again, the counter-argument is why should i? it is my own life after all, and it smacks of pretension to assume tt my life will matter enough to other people to keep track or to keep on voyeuring it. as far as vicarious living goes, i don't believe i have tt much to offer. i'm just a normal s'porean girl living in a different country for the space of one year. that's all there is.

but the truth is, i want to do this entry. screw it tt it's a public platform, screw it tt i can get charged under the sedition act for blogging if i post racist comments - and for those unfamiliar with the law, i am still under singapore's jurisdiction insofar as i am a citizen of singapore, even though i am under canada's jurisdiction as far as physical location is concerned. therefore i wonder, if i were to make a racist comment on this blog, will i be charged under singapore law, or will i not be charged at all because canada doesn't have such a law? and if i were to be charged under singapore law, tt would be extradition back to singapore. but won't canada decline allowing for extradition citing human rights and the so-called constitutionally-protected freedom of expression as a basis for this argument?

just a thought. once again, i digress.

for those who have been wondering about the entries in italics, stop wondering. if you think it happened, you're probably right and it happened. i was a moron. i was immature, and selfish, and i hurt someone who loved me too much. and well, imagine tt. i wasn't even expecting it. i went into this relationship knowing full well all the obstacles tt would lie ahead, and you know why i went into it? knowing tt after 2 months of knowing him, i would have to fly to some godforsaken place 12, 000 miles away, and i did it anyway?

because there were no expectations. i rem telling some of my friends. he promised tt he would wait for me. for however long it took, he would wait for me to return to him. and yet, he never demanded the same from me. he never demanded commitment. he said tt if we could make it, then we could make it. just go with the flow. i knew i had the better end of the deal. he was letting me off really easily. i knew tt.

i thought i could play this out somehow. behave the same way i would were i still single, try new things, play around, all the things i'd intended to do when i was single and excited. i didn't believe in love. or at least, i didn't believe this was love. sure, there was the so-called chemistry, but i didn't know if i could love him. when he first told me tt he loved me, i told him i loved him back. not because i believed it, but because i thought it was something more preferable to hear than "thank you very much."

but melissa was right all along. i'm not built to be cold, i'm not made for short-terms and flings. i tried to detach myself emotionally, but i failed along the way. and i hurt him. i did the most stupid thing i could do, and i can use the excuses of desperation, of loneliness, of drunkeness, but as melissa said, i knew best. i knew tt i could control myself, my actions, my destiny, and maybe i was just tempting fate, trying to prove something to myself.

and all tt i proved was how much i could hurt someone. how easy it is to hurt the one who loves you most. and it was one of the worst feelings in the world. to hear tt hurt in his voice, to know intimately the betrayal of unconditional trust, to know tt i had done something so terrible against someone who didn't deserve it, made me feel so low, so rotten. i'd grown to despise the guys who'd done things like tt, the guys who'd hurt me and who'd made me hardened and cynical towards them and their intentions, and i always prided myself on being principled, on being above them. by my actions, how was i any fucking different? how was i any fucking better?

and when he spoke to me and he told me he wanted to walk away, i was seized with this fear. this numbing fear. and i realised tt it wasn't about losing the relationship. it wasn't about losing the feeling of being attached. to be honest, i've been single for so long. i love the independence of being single. i don't need to be attached. i don't need to be called or messaged or shown affection. i know tt i can find a guy here as easily as i want, because it has happened. but it wasn't about the relationship. it was about losing him.

i've always said tt as we are born into this world alone, we die alone. i've lived 21 years of my life without this guy, i can damn well live another 21 without him. but this time, the only thought was tt i couldn't do without him. i needed him around. carry on living life without him, yes. tt could definitely be done. but i would never be happy the way i was happy with him. i loved him too much. i was too attached to him. even though i don't like picturing the future and assuming tt i'm going to marry him and have his kids and grow old with him and all tt long-term crap tt frankly, scares the hell out of me; i could picture a future with him. i could picture a life with him in there. i could picture seeing him at the airport welcoming me back from vancouver, him at my graduation, him watching me pass out from TRACOM, and his teaching me the ropes and so-called 'fucking me upside down' if i made a mistake at IB.

i could picture all this, and more. i wanted this picture. and even though i always wanted to experience new things, even for my philosophy and life plan of playing around, of dating different guys and just having fun till i feel ready to settle down (say, maybe 10 years from now, or more), i wanted to be with him more. i wanted him to be happy, i wanted to not hurt him anymore.

he wanted to walk away, and he should have. i deserved it. i would deserve anything tt he said to me, did to me, because i did him wrong. but he didn't walk away. he didn't even scream at me. he gave me a choice. he gave me the option of doing the stuff i wanted to do. he said tt the ball was in my court. and he told me tt if there was a time for growing up, this was it.

i don't want to grow up. i've always been denying adulthood, using the pretext of youth to explain away why i behave so impulsively sometimes, to explain away responsibility, to continue having what i consider fun. adulthood is a heavy responsibility. but he was right. and melissa was right. i have to take responsibility for my actions. it's one thing when it's just my life. i can go skydive, i can go bungy-jump, i can do any single fucking thing tt i want, because it's my own fucking life, thank you very much.

but this was different. it was no longer just my life. there was someone else involved. someone else whom my decision could and would impact. someone that i had the capacity to hurt.

and someone who loved me so much more than i'd ever realised. so much more than i deserve.

and someone who i realise, tt i love too much too.

so tt's growing up for you. making the sacrifices. you can't have everything. you can't have perfection. why jeopardise something so beautiful for your own selfish physical wants and desires? why hurt someone who means so much to you, just because you're too immature to see beyond yourself?

and so, we're starting afresh. anew. just like the cliche goes. and the crying's ended and he's making me laugh again, and i'm remembering the first few meetings and how much he made me laugh then.

i rem cindy's blog title: "What fails to kill you makes you stronger".

and even though it's a little warped to apply it here, it cannot be any more true. because for some reason, i feel so much closer to him. he gave me, us, a second chance. and i'm not going to screw tt up again. i'm going to make this work.

DON'T LIE
- The Black Eyed Peas

[WILL]
Hey, baby my nose is getting big
I noticed it be growing when I been telling them fibs
Now you say your trust's getting weaker
Probably coz my lies just started getting deeper
And the reason for my confession is that I learn my lesson
And I really think you have to know the truth
Because I lied and I cheated and I lied a little more
But after I did it I don't know what I did it for
I admit that I have been a little immature
Fucking with your heart like I was the predator
In my book of lies I was the editor
And the author
I posed my signature
And now I apologise for what I did to you
Cos what you did to me I did to you

[FERGIE]
Nononono baby, nononono don't lie
Nononono, yeah you kno know know know you gotta try
What you gonna do when it all comes out
When I see you & what you're all about

Nonono baby, nononono don't lie
Yeah you kno you kno you kno you kno you know you gotta try

[APL]
She said I'm leaving
Cos she can't take the pain
It's hard to continue this love it ain't the same
Can't forget the things that I've done inside her brain
Too many lies committed too many games
She feeling like a fool getting on the last train
Trying to maintain but the feeling won't change
I'm sorry for the things that I've done and what I became
Caught up in living my life in the fast lane
Blinded by lights, cameras, you know the fame
I don't know the reason why I did these things

[APL and FERGIE]
And I lie and I lie and I lie and I lie
And now our emotions are drained
Cos I lie and I lie and a little lie lie
And now your emotions are drained

[FERGIE]
Nononono baby, nononono don't lie (no, don't you lie)
Nononono, yeah you know know know know you gotta try (got to try, got to try)
What you gonna do when it all comes out (what you gonna do baby)
When I see you & what you're all about
Nonono babe, nononono don't lie
Because you kno you kno you kno you kno you know gotta try

Ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ba da ba da ba da ba da badabada

[TABOO]
Yo, I'm lying to my girl
Even though I love her
And she all in my world
I give her all my attention and diamonds & pearls
She's the one who makes me feel on top of the world
Still I lie to my girl, I do it

[APL and FERGIE]
And I lie and I lie and I lie till there's no turning back
I don't know why, (and I lie and I lie till I don't know who I am)