absolutum dominium

that's the title of a jack johnson song. it's also what i had this morning for breakfast. banana pancakes with butter and maple syrup (in abundance in the land of the maple leafs... torontian ice hockey team as well as national symbol... beside tt *other* leaf. heh) with crispy bacon and scrambled eggs. and you'd better believe it, the bacon here is worth forsaking all diet plans for.

the weather is great again. about as great as it can possibly be, being said in a tone of pure bitter sarcasm.

it's cold and overcast and raining again, with winds of 28km/h (according to the weather report) and it's about 7 degrees in temperature.

but at least i'm warm and snug as a bug in my rug... erm... i mean room. i gotta get started on work soon. have been skipping classes (ditto today. shitty weather = no inclination to leave totem) and doing nothing productive at all. so yeah. even if i can't get started on my international law paper, the least i should do is maybe some psychology or something.

speaking of which, i will be leaving for montreal tomorrow morning. i forgot tt on public holidays, the bus services don't run as consistently. so i just hope i can get to the airport on time. but nonetheless. tomorrow will be remembrance day.

where canadians remember the war heroes who gave their lives during wwi.

11.11 at 11 am. tt's when they're going to have the memorials at hastings in vancouver.

this guy from first, graham, asked me if singapore celebrated remembrance day. i said no. and he replied: "oh yeah. tt's coz they were a japanese base."

i was so fucking insulted.

i used to wonder why so many students who study overseas suddenly turn into raving patriotics or nationalists who just can't stop expousing on the positive qualities of singapore.

now i begin to understand.

i had to explain to him very calmly tt we weren't a japanese base, per se. we were invaded and conquered. and we weren't willing to cooperate. we'd been abandoned by the british, even as their colony.

but anyway back to my plans. i'll be leaving for montreal tomorrow (fri, 11 nov). it will be my first solo travel trip. i'm quivering with excitement actually. i'll be staying over with amy and i'll get to see her again (i never thought i would after she went back to montreal because it's 6 hours away from vancouver by plane... yes, the width of canada is the distance it takes to fly from singapore to tokyo) after she left dragonboat! imagine tt. and montreal sounds so exciting and charming.

the only thing i'm panicking about is how all the street names are in french, and i honestly can't pronounce them.

and after montreal i'll be going down to toronto by railway on tues. going to spend about 4 days there and visit the niagara falls while i'm at it. am trying to figure out the damn public transportation system online, but it doesn't have trip planners the way the vancouver translink system does, and i don't know what road names to go to and what buses go where. ARGH this is frustrating.

but i really hope it will go smoothly though. hopefully i can meet up with the torontians as well too...

i'll be back next saturday, 19 nov.

but in the meantime, if you want to know how to make banana pancakes:

Double Banana Pancakes
(16 servings)

* 1 Cup All-Purpose Flour
* 1 3/4 tsp Baking Powder
* 3/4 tsp Salt
* 1 T Sugar
* 2 Large Ripe Bananas
* 3/4 Cup Soy Milk
* 2 Large Eggs
* 2 tsp Vegetable Oil

* FOR TOPPING:
* 1 T Unsalted Butter
* 2 Large Ripe Bananas -- Sliced
* Nutmeg -- Freshly Grated
* 3/4 Cup Maple Syrup -- Warmed

TO PREPARE PANCAKES:

In a large mixing bowl, sift together flour, baking powder, salt and sugar. Mix to blend. Set aside.

Puree bananas in a food processor, fitted with a metal blade to a smoth, liquid consistency. Transfer puree to a mixing bowl. Add milk, eggs and oil. whisk to blend well. Add dry ingredients - whisking to incorporate.

Preheat oven to 250 degrees fahrenheit. Heat a gridle. Add butter to bottom of pan. When butter is hot, ladel 2 T of batter onto griddle, cooking until the tops of the pancake bubble and the underside is brown. (2-3 minutes) Turn and cook other side until godlen brown - about 2 minutes more.

Transfer to a baking sheet. Continue until all the batter has been used.

TO PREPARE TOPPING:

Heat butter in a large skillet. When hot, add sliced bananas - saute, stirring constantly until bananas are warm, about 1 minute.

To serve - arrange 4 pancakes on each of 4 dinner plates - top with sauted bananas - grated nutmeg and warm maple syrup.

mmm. now doesn't tt make your mouth water?

haha if i had a kitchen, i wouldn't mind making banana pancakes. or belgian waffles with strawberry sauce and whipped cream. or actually, my peanut butter ice-cream, most of all.

even though the weather is so cold.

i'll try to reply all emails before i leave, coz i'm not certain how much internet access i will have over the next week.

but anyway interestingly, my last post got me a few responses. actually, i was being asked why i post such personal thoughts on my blog, seeing as it is tt it is a public domain, and given the number of voyeurs i have (i don't think everyone reading this know me personally, or actually care about my life besides the gossip-worthy factor about it). but the truth is, i write for myself. i don't write for an audience, to win awards, or anything like tt. i have no defining qualities tt set me apart from anyone else or makes my life any more interesting or exciting. but this blog, no matter what the original purpose i started it for (which i might explain in a different post, seeing as it is tt it is going to come to its 2nd anniversary soon next year), it's really helping me to stay in contact with all my friends in singapore, uk, us and elsewhere who do read this. blogs are one-sided because you only read about my life or about my thoughts or my opinions, and i don't get to about yours unless you have one yourself, but as far as i'm concerned it makes me feel closer to you. the distance is kinda bridged tt way, and tt helps me because i can feel like i'm talking to the people who matter to me, even if it seems like a monologue on this blog.

so yeah. tt's why i can put up relatively personal posts on this blog. admittedly, i am still censoring myself more than i did before, and yes, there are episodes tt don't find their way up here, but i do believe in freedom of expression. even though there are repercussions like the sedition act and the threat of defamation suits all around from the place we call home, but i believe tt as long as no one is hurt or defamed by what i write, or if i am able to prove on the balance of probablities tt what i am writing is accurate (or on a lower standard, tt i do in good faith take everything tt i write to be true), then i am free to write what i believe.

btw. just so you know, calling someone a "bitch" or a "bastard" isn't defamation. it's only defamation if you say tt the person in question did something tt he or she did not do, like stole money, murdered someone, committed a criminal breach of trust, called down the almighty hand of the ISA on a couple of people tt were really innocent of a marxist conspiracy... stuff like tt.

anyway yeah. i've digressed again. someone advised me tt i should try and change my current attitude from the inside. said tt i would be happier if i did tt. or at least, tt i wouldn't be hurt so much.

my answer is currently 2-fold: 1) i don't know how to. i really don't. it takes something more than what i currently have. i believe tt i will find tt quality with time or with some further experience. but right now, i don't have tt quality. and i don't think i want to invest too much more time or energy to trying to find it, seeing as it is tt it's going to be so elusive. 2) i don't want to. mentally, i can try to, and try to psycho myself into changing. but right now deep into my will and after god-knows-how-many-years of conditioning, i am so deeply entrenched into this tt i instinctively don't want to move. so even if i mentally of physically try, there's an emotional part tt still refuses to. it's like telling yourself to get over someone, and not succeeding because you finally realise tt no matter what your mind tells you, your emotions unconsciously cling on. i know tt feeling, and it's the same for this. it will take something more than this.

and besides, like i already said before, i don't want a safe and comforting life. i want exciting, i want eventful, i want all the highs even if it means all the lows, all the pain, all the hurt, all the suffering... because maybe i'm still immature and i don't want to grow up and i'm some kind of masochist at heart.

but sometimes it really scares me tt you read me so well. and when you say something like: "we're not tt different after all."

okay. anyway enough brooding for this morning. damn the condusive-for-depression weather. it's like when i called my dad last night and he was saying how this could make life so depressing. actually he was still referring to his early years in london. i realise tt no matter how much he tells me tt being overseas is not tt great after all, my dad's fondest and clearest memories are those of him working in london, or in new york.

i wonder why. :)

anyway for those who wonder why my approach to love is the way it is, just a bit of history for you: i take after my father. we both think the same way about other halves. meaning: there are 2 kinds of guys/girls: 1) guys you go out with, and 2) guys you marry.

my mom was the kinda girl tt my dad wanted to marry. and he did. but he met her when he was 16. so he only got married to her when he felt tt he was ready to - 10 years later at 26. and even when he was with my mom, he still continued to play the field, looking for other girls tt he could go out with.

now, he's been married to my mom for coming to 33 years, and he's still with her, he still loves her, and although there are still other women in his life, he always comes back to her at the end of the day.

so don't judge me or my actions. it's worked for him, it works for me. :)

ok ok. back to banana pancakes.

the jack johnson ones.

BANANA PANCAKES
- by Jack Johnson

Can't you see that it's just rainin'
There ain't no need to go outside

But baby, you hardly even notice
When I try to show you
this song It's meant to keep you
From doin' what you're supposed to
Like wakin' up too early
Maybe we could sleep in
I'll make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it's the weekend now

And we could pretend it all the time
Can't you see that it's just rainin'
There ain't no need to go outside

But just maybe, laka ukulele
Mama made a baby
I really don't mind the practice
Because you're my little lady
Lady, lady love me

Because I love to lay here lazy
We could close the curtains

Pretend like there's no world outside
And we could pretend that all the time
Can't you see that it's just raining
There ain't no need to go outside

Ain't no need, ain't no need
Can't you see, can't you see

Rain all day and I don't mind

The telephone singing, ringing, it's too early
Don't pick it up
We don't need to
We got everything we need right here
And everything we need is enough
It's just so easy
When the whole world fits inside of your arms

Do we really need to pay attention to the alarm
Wake up slow, wake up slow

But baby, you hardly even notice
When I try to show you this song
It's meant to keep you
From doin' what your supposed to
Like wakin' up too early
Maybe we could sleep in

I'll make you banana pancakes

Pretend like it's the weekend now
And we could pretend it all the time
Can't you see that it's just rainin'
There ain't no need to go outside

Ain't no need, ain't no need
Rain all day and I really, really, really don't mind
Can't you see, can't you see

We've got to wake up slow