absolutum dominium

after a week of not running, my guilt (and the excess flab from too much rich food, including the 6 donuts i had on monday, and the belgian waffles on tues. and the texas french toast today) finally compelled me to drag my lazy ass out of my room and go for a run.

today wasn't a good day for a run, to be honest. but i have to be grateful. at least it wasn't raining. yeah, anything without rain is supposed to be pretty damn good already. trust me on this one. but the sky was still gray and overcast, so i pulled on my fleece hoodie and my black ny cap, just in case. it was a good idea, because it was cold today. it was windy, and the wind here is cold. it goes through your clothes and into your bones. and the temperature was sub-10 degrees.

but the upside to all tt is tt at least, not tt many people were out and about today. so i had the paths to myself. and 1 and a half hours to think.

as i pointed out before, when i am really really broody, i don't function normally. i don't do the things i do when i'm not too bad. even when i say i run when i'm troubled or bothered or angry or upset about something, tt is when i have excess energy to burn. but the past few days, i had no energy at all. i had no energy, no mood, no inclination to do anything but stay in my room and brood.

but on hindsight, i SHOULD have gone for a run. it really does clear my mind up. tt much time in wide open space and clean fresh air with just my own voice in my head against the background of my mp3 player, i think i would have been a lot less confused, a lot less emotionally overwhelmed and upset, and a lot more rational about everything.

but nonetheless, i have to thank everyone who asked me how i was, and msned me or emailed me to as if i was ok or if i was fine, to listen to my problems and help me rationalise when i was incapable of it at the time, to give me advice, and to really cheer me up. thank you. even though i'm so far away, the thoughts and gestures of care and concern from here, from the US, from the UK, and from Singapore, really make me realise how i am loved. and i am really really grateful to all my friends.

incidentally, i did get a lot of kind of different advice. or rather, even if they were similar, the process tt my friends got to that final product were all so varying. from friends who'd just got into new relationships, to friends who'd just gotten out of relationships, from friends who'd been going on strong in theirs to friends who'd been swinging singles and proudly so; from friends who are more rational to friends who are more emotional... it was an amazing spectrum of advice.

to be honest, i got confused somewhere along the way, because the thing about me is tt i am the sum total of everything, and yet nothing. i couldn't tell you how i was really feeling. i could see things from everyone's viewpoint, but yet my viewpoint was somewhere in between. and it took a lot of soul-searching to come to tt middle ground.

i do hope everything is turning out fine now. i'm on day 3 of the break, but it doesn't feel like a break. because we're still emailing each other. wahaha. or when he doesn't, i email him to ask how he is.

one of the questions tt i got asked the most during this period, is do i really love him?

i thought i did. but to be honest, i don't know anymore. i don't even know what the definition of love is. what constitutes love. does love have to be defined in one particular way? i don't believe tt. i believe tt its relative to the person and the situation. yes, love should be unconditional, but i don't believe tt my love can be.

i was recalling a conversation tt i had with my dad before he left vancouver. he'd asked me to learn to be less selfish. and i gave him an answer tt honestly shocked him. i said tt i didn't know how. and i explained it, tt for me, my behaviour is a conscious process. i don't love or do actions of love out of emotional instinct. i do it because i think through it first. i do things because i know tt they will make another person happy. in my thoughts, it's always "I" "I" "I". even in this blog, it's a very "I" kind of blog. it reflects my thought process.

and i admit tt i am self-centred. i won't deny tt and i'm not ashamed of tt. i used to think tt i was evil because i was, and i tried so hard time and again to change, but each time i wasn't successful because it was still an "I" thought process, and once i stopped being conscious, i would revert back to tt. i don't believe tt i am incapable of giving unconditional love because i will always love in an "I" context, but i do believe tt i might learn. maybe with time and experience. i am still young and there is so much more to learn and see. or then again, maybe unconditional love isn't a necessity, or maybe it's just a utopic ideal tt appears in romance novels to cater to the fantasies of wide-eyed school girls.

so do i love him? i would like to think i do. people have asked me to think this through again and again and again. and i have. tt's why all the brooding. i still don't know. it's draining and tiring and frankly, right now i don't intend to for now because it wrecks hell on my life, and i really have better things to do than mope around - like do work on my international law paper, and get ready for my 11-19 nov trip to montreal and toronto in 2 days time.

selfish? fuck it, then i am. but yeah. even though this is supposed to be a break, no i don't intend to leave him. even though my closer friends all know my approach to life, and tt i still intend to play around and explore my options until i am ready to settle down later in life (NO. i am not one of those nice sweet s'porean girls whose aim in life is to meet some nice sweet s'porean man and settle down in some nice sweet hdb flat with a nice sweet car and raise a nice sweet family), but i don't see why there's a need for me to break up with someone i'm perfectly happy with just because i'm not ready to marry him and bear his kids. for god's sake i'm fucking 21 and this is the 21st century! if he does change my mind somewhere along the way, then good for us then!

so if he leaves me during this time, then i'll deal with it when i come to tt bridge. but i don't intend to leave him. why? you might ask. is it because i am in love with the fact tt i am attached? because i am in love with the fact tt i am loved?

to be honest, i don't know why he loves me. according to all the personality tests tt i take, i am a "taker". i am better at being loved than loving. to tt extent, i honestly still don't see what the fuck he sees in me, really. i don't think i've done anything to warrant the kind of love tt i'm getting. but well. right now, i will admit this. i miss him.

i miss hearing his voice, or calling him and telling him about my day and hearing about his. am i really missing him, or am i missing the fact tt he's here for me? well. right now, it's true tt i miss his presence in my life. but it's also true tt i am worried about him. i am constantly wondering how he is doing. how his day is, how his cases have gone, whether he's had to fuck some accused upside down again or whether he's gotten complained again for giving an SO a piece of his mind. or whether he has enough rest, having to take 2 jobs now? will he get into trouble with his first employers because you're not technically supposed to moonlight? does he have enough to eat seeing tt he's giving his mom every last cent tt he has? is he still avoiding his friends because he doesn't want them to see him like this? just as he doesn't want me to see him like this?

every problem just boiled down to one word: "understanding". i'd been asking girlfriend after girlfriend what was it tt i had been doing wrong. why had he been shutting me out all this while? and ironically, it was after much emotional drainage tt it finally got through to me. a lot of my gfs were telling me tt i should try to communicate, tell him i was here for him, etc. and then when i kept doing tt, the door kept slamming on me harder and harder and i got more confused.

i realise tt if i hadn't been so emotionally involved, it would have hit me in an instant. unfortunately it had to be S-P-E-L-T out to me before i could understand. db confirmed what i'd suspected later: tt when it comes to problems, girls will want to communicate and be there for each other and support each other etc. but guys, guys have a pride issue. they see problems as a sign of weakness, and they have too much pride to want to talk about it. tt's why they would rather want space to sort their own problems out.

i knew all this. i can't believe i knew all this, and yet when *I* was the one involved, it was the furthest from my mind. on one hand, i would never expected it from him, seeing as it is tt he always was more sensitive and less egotistical than the average male, and tt i thought he was older and therefore more mature and past this stage. but i guess if it's an instinctive male trait, no matter what the years of experience, a blow this big will still cause you to return to your comfort zone.

so yeah. tt's my reflections for you. out of 1 and a half hours of running. damn. i should have done this earlier.