absolutum dominium

i feel loved. kind of. this entire weekend i've been laptopless, but i've not been as disconnected, thanks to people like adrian, anne and diana, who have lent me the use of their laptops to blog, check my email and to even watch stuff.

i watched 3 episodes of nip/tuck back to back on anne's laptop last night after dinner.

following which i still watched 'bewitched' (which is a REALLY BAD MOVIE) with my floormates in alesha/alanna's room.

and the thing about vancouver is tt the food here is SO GOOD. therefore if you put singaporeans and singaporeans together (especially singaporeans who don't club), the one biggest indulgence we will have will be in food.

which is why this whole weekend has been feasting and feasting for me.

i suppose in some way, food is still my escape.

the anger has died for me, unfortunately. i'm just haunted by the demons of the past and of what could have been. yes the break up is amicable, but i've realised now tt there is no going back for me. i know tt no matter what happens, i won't go back to him. and i think tt he knew tt from the start now.

yet it seems i'm the one who still needs to call him, needs to hear his voice. and i know tt the distance from the past month is there and insurmountable at this point in time.

for some reason, even though i have friends and we do hang out and go out and eat and stuff, i feel alone. very very alone. in my room it's all quiet and disconnected, and although i try to focus my attention on my books i just cannot concentrate.

there's this great emptiness tt plagues me. i crave affection, even if it's of the superficial nature, because i just want to pretend for a while tt the loss isn't there. tt a part of something in my life isn't missing.

i'm tired of pretending to be happy and fine all the fucking time. i'm not fine. i'm not happy. i don't feel fucking whole.

i'm trying to return to normalcy again. but sometimes it's hard to be focused when i keep lapsing back into these phases of frustrating emptiness. fuck.

i need to really really let go. i guess the amicable break up isn't helping me because it's giving me an excuse to hold on and prolong my own pain, esp since it seems like you've long since gotten over me.

on to happier stuff.

death by chocolate.



the dish.



me and charlene.



me, sulynn and charlene (doing this 'piggy' pose thing. tt only charlene does best. heh.)



and all of us.

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.
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and i am getting addicted. fuck. i knew this would happen. ARGH.

P.S. eileen, if you're reading this, i want to go clubbing soon... let me know when you're up to it. i feel severely deprived.