absolutum dominium

i have to stop re-reading the last 2 emails, stop reading the history of emails tt you sent. i have to stop thinking, stop reminiscing and replaying all those times when we were happy, really really happy. i have to stop recalling the first time we met and how much you made me laugh, stop thinking about all the smses tt we'd send each other and how they would bring me these big wide stupid grins on the bus, or the time when i got pissed drunk and i'd sms you silly things all night and ramble nonsense. the times when you'd borrow the company car to drive me to training at 7am in the morning after your tour ended, or when you drove me to the airport so tt i wouldn't miss my flight to bangkok. the times when you'd walk me home without fail every single night we went out. the times at tcc when you would order my warm lava chocolate cake without fail because it was the dessert tt i ate when i met you and you were paying homage to tcc for bringing us together. ice cold beer where you'd introduced me to all your friends and i'd watch you play pool and down hoegaardens by the pint. thumpers where we'd dance together to nina sky's 'move your body' for your 'cardio workouts'. the numerous walk arounds novena and united square. and your office where we'd watch vcds on sunday coz no one else would be around except your closer colleagues (and they didn't have a problem with you watching movies on your comp or blasting your music because you cleared your files faster than they would complain). getting to know some of your colleagues better and getting teased by them about you. the late night phone calls tt would go on for hours, discounting all the other phone calls tt i'd make at any other time of the day just coz you would be in office. the time when we went to the pasir ris chalet, or when i had nowhere to go on sat night and you stayed with me the entire time. the night 2 days before i left, when you drove me to sentosa and we watched the waves lap at the shore on tanjong beach under the stars. the many many many conversations tt we'd have over the phone or in person, about life or about each other and our histories or our taste in music and even about our future. what we would do, all the things tt you would teach me, how you promised tt you would look out for me, how i told you tt you could scold me or lecture me or publicly humiliate me no matter what my rank as long as i fucked up, how we'd want to raise our kids and where and when, how we'd organise a household and how you would cook and i would clean and how we'd get separate tvs so tt you could play xbox and watch epl in peace and i wouldn't have to throw the remote at you all the time. our values and our philosophies in life. how we seemed to agree on everything without realising it and wondering why. breathe's 'hands to heaven' and the wonders 'all my only dreams'. lifehouse's 'everything' and stereophonics' 'dakota'. acdc and nirvana. issues like our views on politics and our heated debates about policies and world issues. religion. class. people. belief. and it came down to belief. you asked me tt as long as i believed tt it would work, it would work. you said tt you believed. you asked me to, too. and then we were both wrong and the distance did kill us. you stopped believing. you lost your faith in us, and i know it was largely my fault. and it is. i hate you for not trying hard enough, for not giving us another chance, for giving up losing faith. i hate you for everything tt could have been, because i know tt you still love me. and all i have to hold on to are memories, and i know tt i must let go, but they keep replaying in my head like a video tape on continuous playback.