Thursday, December 15, 2005
"love, actually"
i want... no, need to ride again.
come january, come hell or high water, i am boarding again. i'm checking out the prices for mount washington on vancouver island and whistler again. after talking to fraser online last night - who claims tt he is a "damn good skiier" (ok. admittedly he says he's been skiing since he was a kid. FUCK i feel like such a klutz), and luke, who has been riding for 4 years and has his very own snowboard, i feel inspired to actually learn to board, and actually board properly.
the fun part isn't in the falling. it's in the crazy rushing down the steep steep runs at a breakneck speed, weaving in and out of other slower skiiers and riders with the greatest of ease, and coming to the bottom of the slope with nothing but a big sense of satisfaction.
but before tt, i have to go through the falling stage. but like i said before, i'm not afraid to fall. physically or otherwise.
anyway speaking of which, my paper today went ok. psychology. it's over, just like tt. cést la vie. now it's back to my eu law paper.
but i gave myself yet another one of many many breaks. because i found out tt i had "love actually" on my computer, i decided to watch it. generally, i don't watch romantic movies as a rule, especially as a single, because i believe tt movies glorify love and romance far too much with all the beautiful people and picture-perfect storylines, which do nothing except to give the attached people more reason to gloat over us singles and portray singlehood as some kind of abominable state of affairs. and like i have mentioned more than once before, i don't take kindly to people who give me the whole "ÿou're single? *gasp* oh you poor poor thing!" type bullshit.
"love actually" was surprisingly enjoyable. even with all the cliched storylines and what-not, i suppose a little saccharine a day won't really kill me. plus i am a kiera knightly fan, and i thought the storyline with her and the husband's friend who held a torch for her was really really sweet, esp with the placards scene, so tt was nice.
funny thing is i like downloading and watching movies on my laptop, but apart from nip tuck, i don't follow any other tv series. i don't watch the oc coz i think it's plastic and unrealistic and like an updated version of 'days of our lives', just with better looking people. and i don't watch sex and the city coz i used to watch a couple of episodes (with my father, who was more excited about satc than i was) in the past, but i stopped because the storylines didn't really keep me engaged. even my dad stopped watching coz he said tt the storylines were getting predictable. then again we watched the censored ones, so there was no scenes of kim catrall's character fucking the ups boy or sarah jessica parker getting eaten or things along those lines, so i suppose maybe tt was why we go so bored. plus for me, i only like vicarious living to a certain extent. i find most of the characters in satc too neurotic and too man-crazy for my liking. i mean, if we're talking about empowered womanhood, i don't see why dating has to be a necessity for a social life. what is wrong with just hanging out with the guys or the girls anyway?
like i told melissa before, one big reason why i am happy tt i am single again is tt i am independent. i can do whatever i want without having to think about anyone else. selfish? it definitely is. but it's how i like it best right now. although i was the lucky one. he never gave me tt much pressure. he never told me who i could or couldn't see. he didn't mind whenever i went out with guy friends on one-on-one outings. he always told me to have fun everytime i went clubbing. and yet for me, even this kind of freedom wasn't enough. at least now i am totally liberated. i have no one to answer to but myself and my own conscience. but it is true tt the loneliness does strike. like whenever i am alone in my room, esp when it is dark and cold, and i just want someone to cuddle up to and talk to about my day and my thoughts and all the stuff tt i can't just tell any other person because he or she would think tt i was way too intense. dammit. come to think of it i had an offer for company today and i turned it down just so tt i could do my paper. grr.
but tt being said, if there was 1 character in satc tt i would most like to emulate, it would be kim catrall's character. of course, i'm not going to fuck everything... i mean, everyone... in sight. but i respect her philosophy to a certain extent. she's a go-getter and a woman who knows what she wants. she is successful and confident in her career, she isn't emotionally-clingy and she doesn't need a man to validate her. in fact, in a way she is more of a man than the other 3 girls - all she needs is sex to physically satisfy her. and beyond tt she can just kick you out of her bed when she's done with you. tt's the kind of woman tt i would like to be. strong, confident, secure, and someone who knows what i want and dares to go for it. someone who can pick things up and let them go as easily as they come.
a lot of people tell me tt i don't look stressed for the exams. tt i don't get moody or pms-ey coz of the exams. i tell them tt it's coz i'm a slacker and i don't give a fuck if i fail. am i lying? of course i am. of course i will care whether i pass or fail. i am trying to study and right now the panic button hasn't been pushed firmly enough for me to get my gear into go. but it doesn't mean tt i don't care. but telling people this is very simply put, my way of satisfying the usual expectations of me. part of my philosophy is also this: the words "worry", "regret", "guilt", and the "what ifs of life" are nowhere in my vocabulary. i have accepted tt we cannot turn back time and we cannot change the past. therefore there is no point in me wasting my time, emotions and energy on useless emotions tt will not help me or anyone else or change anything, and will instead contribute to further misery for myself and whoever else is around me.
i live in the present. what i can do, i do. what i can plan for the future, i plan. if it has already been done and it can't be undone, i move on. it's tt simple. once a while, i do get caught in the cycle of regret, of guilt, of wondering about the "what ifs" tt could have happened had i made other decisions. tt is what makes us human. but when i realise this, i ask myself what i could have done better, i learn from my mistakes, and then i move on and leave it all behind.
i don't know if it's made me a happier person. but i definitely have a lot more energy and a lot more will to face the future. and i am happy with who i am.
P.S. i want to buy more boots. one thing i love about being in north america where it is cold cold cold is tt i get an excuse to wear all sorts of boots! and anyone who knows me knows tt i have been owning at least 1 pair of boots since i was 14.
now playing: hotel costes - cafe de flor
come january, come hell or high water, i am boarding again. i'm checking out the prices for mount washington on vancouver island and whistler again. after talking to fraser online last night - who claims tt he is a "damn good skiier" (ok. admittedly he says he's been skiing since he was a kid. FUCK i feel like such a klutz), and luke, who has been riding for 4 years and has his very own snowboard, i feel inspired to actually learn to board, and actually board properly.
the fun part isn't in the falling. it's in the crazy rushing down the steep steep runs at a breakneck speed, weaving in and out of other slower skiiers and riders with the greatest of ease, and coming to the bottom of the slope with nothing but a big sense of satisfaction.
but before tt, i have to go through the falling stage. but like i said before, i'm not afraid to fall. physically or otherwise.
anyway speaking of which, my paper today went ok. psychology. it's over, just like tt. cést la vie. now it's back to my eu law paper.
but i gave myself yet another one of many many breaks. because i found out tt i had "love actually" on my computer, i decided to watch it. generally, i don't watch romantic movies as a rule, especially as a single, because i believe tt movies glorify love and romance far too much with all the beautiful people and picture-perfect storylines, which do nothing except to give the attached people more reason to gloat over us singles and portray singlehood as some kind of abominable state of affairs. and like i have mentioned more than once before, i don't take kindly to people who give me the whole "ÿou're single? *gasp* oh you poor poor thing!" type bullshit.
"love actually" was surprisingly enjoyable. even with all the cliched storylines and what-not, i suppose a little saccharine a day won't really kill me. plus i am a kiera knightly fan, and i thought the storyline with her and the husband's friend who held a torch for her was really really sweet, esp with the placards scene, so tt was nice.
funny thing is i like downloading and watching movies on my laptop, but apart from nip tuck, i don't follow any other tv series. i don't watch the oc coz i think it's plastic and unrealistic and like an updated version of 'days of our lives', just with better looking people. and i don't watch sex and the city coz i used to watch a couple of episodes (with my father, who was more excited about satc than i was) in the past, but i stopped because the storylines didn't really keep me engaged. even my dad stopped watching coz he said tt the storylines were getting predictable. then again we watched the censored ones, so there was no scenes of kim catrall's character fucking the ups boy or sarah jessica parker getting eaten or things along those lines, so i suppose maybe tt was why we go so bored. plus for me, i only like vicarious living to a certain extent. i find most of the characters in satc too neurotic and too man-crazy for my liking. i mean, if we're talking about empowered womanhood, i don't see why dating has to be a necessity for a social life. what is wrong with just hanging out with the guys or the girls anyway?
like i told melissa before, one big reason why i am happy tt i am single again is tt i am independent. i can do whatever i want without having to think about anyone else. selfish? it definitely is. but it's how i like it best right now. although i was the lucky one. he never gave me tt much pressure. he never told me who i could or couldn't see. he didn't mind whenever i went out with guy friends on one-on-one outings. he always told me to have fun everytime i went clubbing. and yet for me, even this kind of freedom wasn't enough. at least now i am totally liberated. i have no one to answer to but myself and my own conscience. but it is true tt the loneliness does strike. like whenever i am alone in my room, esp when it is dark and cold, and i just want someone to cuddle up to and talk to about my day and my thoughts and all the stuff tt i can't just tell any other person because he or she would think tt i was way too intense. dammit. come to think of it i had an offer for company today and i turned it down just so tt i could do my paper. grr.
but tt being said, if there was 1 character in satc tt i would most like to emulate, it would be kim catrall's character. of course, i'm not going to fuck everything... i mean, everyone... in sight. but i respect her philosophy to a certain extent. she's a go-getter and a woman who knows what she wants. she is successful and confident in her career, she isn't emotionally-clingy and she doesn't need a man to validate her. in fact, in a way she is more of a man than the other 3 girls - all she needs is sex to physically satisfy her. and beyond tt she can just kick you out of her bed when she's done with you. tt's the kind of woman tt i would like to be. strong, confident, secure, and someone who knows what i want and dares to go for it. someone who can pick things up and let them go as easily as they come.
a lot of people tell me tt i don't look stressed for the exams. tt i don't get moody or pms-ey coz of the exams. i tell them tt it's coz i'm a slacker and i don't give a fuck if i fail. am i lying? of course i am. of course i will care whether i pass or fail. i am trying to study and right now the panic button hasn't been pushed firmly enough for me to get my gear into go. but it doesn't mean tt i don't care. but telling people this is very simply put, my way of satisfying the usual expectations of me. part of my philosophy is also this: the words "worry", "regret", "guilt", and the "what ifs of life" are nowhere in my vocabulary. i have accepted tt we cannot turn back time and we cannot change the past. therefore there is no point in me wasting my time, emotions and energy on useless emotions tt will not help me or anyone else or change anything, and will instead contribute to further misery for myself and whoever else is around me.
i live in the present. what i can do, i do. what i can plan for the future, i plan. if it has already been done and it can't be undone, i move on. it's tt simple. once a while, i do get caught in the cycle of regret, of guilt, of wondering about the "what ifs" tt could have happened had i made other decisions. tt is what makes us human. but when i realise this, i ask myself what i could have done better, i learn from my mistakes, and then i move on and leave it all behind.
i don't know if it's made me a happier person. but i definitely have a lot more energy and a lot more will to face the future. and i am happy with who i am.
P.S. i want to buy more boots. one thing i love about being in north america where it is cold cold cold is tt i get an excuse to wear all sorts of boots! and anyone who knows me knows tt i have been owning at least 1 pair of boots since i was 14.
# posted by Kitana @ 12/15/2005 12:33:00 PM 
