absolutum dominium

my previous blog entries have been a sight for sore eyes, namely mine. because i feel like they lack the honesty and feeling tt i used to put into them. i'm not writing for an audience, i am writing for myself to remember and to reflect on. and yes, i do read back on past entries from time to time. i am sentimental by nature even if i do not often admit to tt. this is why i can be so personal even when i know the way my webcounter jumps does worry me sometimes.

but for quite some time, my entries have just been narratives of how my day has transpired. where i've gone to, what i've done, who i've met. it bores me. it bores me tt my life feels unremarkable and tt i have nothing to write beyond what is obvious. it bores me tt i feel like i am no longer thinking, no longer fascinated or enthralled by the ordinary. it bores me tt i seem desensitized.

maybe it's the cold. the weather. tt it rains all the time. tt it's cold all the time. tt the sun sets too fucking early and it always feels too cold to go out. but it isn't tt rainy anymore. it's been sunny for 2 days now. something tt amazes me. it's a beautiful day today. i have to go for a run, even though it's 5 degrees out and it's fucking cold.

i've been supposed to do work during the weekend. instead i've been watching donnie darko and i've started watching grey's anatomy. so no, no homicide, no psychology and liti. dammit. but i prefer scrubs coz the characters in grey's anatomy don't really endear themselves to me, or at least the lead characters don't, but the fact tt the series is based in seattle and tt one of the characters is named isobel "izzy" stevens is enough for me to stay on for the ride. finally, a tv series tt has a character with my name. how rare is tt?

on an unrelated note, there are to date, 2 songs with my name on them. wahaha. i never get tired of mentioning tt. and people still ask me if my parents misspelt my name on my birth cert. get it right - it's legit. it's just rare. :)

but grey's anatomy has a very strong emphasis on relationships. meredith, the lead character, begins the first episode in the series by ending a one night stand with a stranger by telling him to leave before she finishes her shower, only to find out tt he's her boss. and basically since then she ends up in a relationship with this guy, until it's discovered tt this guy has a wife in new york and the wife moves back to complicate things. then there is the chinese medical intern - played by sideway's sandra oh -, a very ambitious stanford graduate who starts of sleeping with and then having a relationship with another resident doctor. in the beginning of season 2 she gets pregnant, but because her ovum was fertilised in her fallopian tubes before it entered her uterus, it grew there and burst her tube instead. and then there is izzy (this is weird typing in my own name) who's the model/sunshine girl who gets into a sort of relationship with the stereotypical jock/frat boy type medical intern who's a lot nicer than he lets on at first.

thing about tv and why we like it so much is caused tv is always based on reality. it doesn't have to be like survivor or the bachelor; how many times do we draw parallels between tv shows and our own lives. or rather, tv takes life and glamourises and exaggerates it. but truth is, watching tv mindless as it is, always gets me thinking and reflecting. well, it's supposed to be one of my escape channels, but yet too much of it and my mind starts working on it too. and thing is i do draw parallels between certain situations in the episodes and in my own life. so i'm not working yet, let alone in a hospital. my dad says tt i'm not in the real world yet. you're never in the real world till you start working.

the whole string of cliches: it's a jungle out there. corporate sharks and what not. i like to think tt they're far away coz i still have 1.5 years left to study. or "study" in this sense. as long as i'm still in school, i can still get away with long hours spent in front of the laptop watching tv or msning people for fun. i can get away with long blog entries and happy emails. i can get away with going for runs whenever i feel like it - weather and sunlight permitting - with meeting up with friends for lunch and dinner and coffee and movies and everything in between. i can afford to be self-centred and live in my own little world. no worries about future. no worries about money and the taxes. no need to fill up cpf forms. no need to actively find a boyfriend so tt i can make my parents happy by getting married and having kids. no need to grow up.

one of the guys i was talking to on fri night was an nspi. he told me tt there was a lot of politics and backstabbing in the force. it's nothing new. he also told me to steer clear of echo. he said tt the kind of work tt i had to handle there was not going to be worth the pay. he said i should just mind my own business and rise as fast as possible. i know i'm still the fucking idealistic one. he says tt i am too idealistic and tt he doesn't understand me. why i would WANT to go to echo. why i would WANT to be an IO. why i would contemplate spending endless nights and days camping out on the office floor in a sleeping bag just to clear IPs. i told him tt my ex was in echo and although i had never worked there myself, i knew enough of what i knew to know tt i wanted tt kind of life. poor pay, no social life, 24/7 type work, high stress and shortened lifespan type pressure. but i wanted, and still want tt. he's still the person i respect the most, the person i most want to work like, the person i most want to become. i don't mind sacrificing my social life for a job tt i love. for him, his job is the best thing tt ever happened to him, barring the politics and all the shit tt he had to endure. and no matter what's happened between us, i have never changed my stand or my way of thinking.

but then again, it seems so far away right now. there's still time to reconsider, to think through... to grow up.

and then i realised tt it wasn't as much time as i'd imagined. melissa's graduating this year. this june. i guess one thing i'd envisioned was tt when i came back from exchange and i did my final year in nus, she'd still be there and we'd still hang out and go for runs and meet up and do all the stuff tt made my last 2 years really fun. but she's going to work. now i understand why australia is so important. and it really is a huge transitional period. you're forced to decide where you want to go, what you want to do. you can't escape growing up forever.

even here, i know tt exchange is another form of escapism for me. i can pretend tt for this one year, i'm on a long extended holiday and i don't have to answer to everyone. and yet i admitted to melissa tt no matter how many activities i do, how many new people i meet... i am lonely. deep down inside i am lonely. i can talk to so many people about so many things except how i really feel; when i am depressed i hide away in my room and no one ever knows. i can distract myself by watching movies or doing my own thing or reading my notes etc... but yeah, i don't have any close friends here.

and i told melissa - admitted - tt i don't open up to people. she asked me why. why don't i open up to people? and the truth is - and for the same reason tt i don't open to people in singapore as well - is tt i am afraid to. so many people who see me think of me as this strong independent girl. headstrong, does what she wants. goes skydiving and bungy-jumping, rower, knows martial arts, will kick ass if she wants to etc. everyone sees me as confident and sure of myself.

but am i really?

am i really?

the truth is, i'm not. i am insecure. i am lonely. i am quiet because socialising tires me out more than anything else. i don't like showing weakness, and i'm afraid tt if i don't hold up my walls, i WILL show weakness. i will show softness, i will show depression, defeatism, all the qualities tt i despise. i worry tt i am not tt funny or humourous person tt people say i can be, tt to be honest i can't tell a joke or i can't make people laugh. tt i'm not really charming at all, tt i'm not really nice. tt no one wants to actually get to know me because i'm not actually an interesting person or a person fascinating enough to know. it's just tt i'm here, so might as well. i'm not attractive and i'll never be slim and pretty; no one will ever want to know me for me. or rather, once people know who i really am, they'll never want to be around me anymore.

this is why i don't open up to people. i'm scared. i'm not confident. i am insecure. i am afraid of being hurt. i worry too much, think too much, fear too much. and it's a lot easier to just put up the walls, than to worry about what will happen if they were never there before.