Friday, August 18, 2006
on confrontations between couples.
we haven't had any major fights yet, thank god. we're both more or less easy going, and he indulges me when i get grouchy. and even when he does hurt me, it's never intentional and he always more than makes up for it later.
but i wonder what will happen if we do have a major fight?
all couples usually go through a few of those throughout their relationships together, and i wonder (and fear) what ours will be like.
my earliest memory of a bad fight was when i was four. tt was between my parents, when my dad was still violent. i covered my ears to stop the screaming but i couldn't tear my eyes from the scene before me. or when i was 12 and my mother demanded a divorce.
i suppose if there had been a prize for the ugliest fights between couples, my parents would have won it. and i swore from then till now, tt i would never be like tt. i would never provoke to hurt, never be verbally abusive, never become physically abusive.
strangely, developments in time, education and wealth, is no deterrent to violence. abusive relationships are still not all tt uncommon. and we have all heard of couples who have really ugly fights tt turn violent, where a lack of reasoning somehow crops up, where couples break up and make up as though breaking up is just another commonplace activity in a relationship.
i don't believe in breaking up. not as a commonplace activity. to me, a break up is a last resort solution, sort of like how suicide is to a really fucked up life. there is no going back, there is no taking back of, there is no make up session.
i guess different people with different characteristics have different types of relationships. some people have very intense ones; when they're happy, they're in this unearthly state of euphoria, but when they're mad with each other, it's like some kind of war and everything looks immensely bleak. others are on the other hand, relatively stable. the emotions don't bounce from one end of the spectrum to the other; of course, the absence of dramatics doesn't mean tt the fights don't evoke a much better response, tho.
interestingly, we witnessed a confrontation today. one tt was civil; in a civil setting. there were no dramatics, no screaming and crying, no harsh or loud words. yet the hostility, the conflict, the tension in the air; was visible.
and even though it's a civilised confrontation; i don't think it's still a conflict tt i would ever want to see myself embroiled in. interestingly, my other half professes to thrive on situations of conflict. yet he himself admits tt a conflict with me is not something tt he would like to be involved in. he says tt tt is the one conflict he does not want to have.
and nor do i. but to be honest, i don't see us having any situations of confrontation, civil or otherwise. for one, if there is a conflict, we will both be emotional, and he knows how emotional i can get. i can't reason rationally; not for long. i have a very strong avoidance tendency; in arguments tt i can't win or where i feel likely to betray a position of emotion or weakness, i get the fuck out of there asap.
so i guess it will be difficult to have a full-out confrontation when 1 party is conspicuously missing.
but still, i do try to avoid confrontations. we all do, i guess. it's just not fun. i don't like to pick fights. i don't see the point in unhappiness; either mine or the other party's. i am a very proud person, and for a long time i have sacrificed or compromised a lot of things to preserve my own pride, and i have come to realise tt i was rather foolish.
pride is one thing, but sometimes you discover tt it might just be empty. and when you lose someone tt means a lot to you, pride just doesn't seem to be so worth it. you can always have your pride, it stays with you so long as yuo don't betray your principles; not so much people.
i have come to realise tt his happiness is my happiness. i am happy when he is happy, cheerful when he is. i am thankful tt he no longer guards, not against me; i appreciate the sacrifices tt he has made for me and how he constantly indulges me with a willing heart.
i know my entries are undeniably mushy, but the feelings and emotions tt i express, i can't change the way i feel or put them in any other way. i may be cynical about a lot of things, arrogant and unforgiving about others, but when it comes to him, no matter what i say, i cannot deny the effect tt 'us' has on me.
i love him. and i hope we don't have a confrontation for as long as possible. and when we do, tt we will deal with it civilly. and still make up (without the break ups).
now playing: hotel costes - cafe de flor
but i wonder what will happen if we do have a major fight?
all couples usually go through a few of those throughout their relationships together, and i wonder (and fear) what ours will be like.
my earliest memory of a bad fight was when i was four. tt was between my parents, when my dad was still violent. i covered my ears to stop the screaming but i couldn't tear my eyes from the scene before me. or when i was 12 and my mother demanded a divorce.
i suppose if there had been a prize for the ugliest fights between couples, my parents would have won it. and i swore from then till now, tt i would never be like tt. i would never provoke to hurt, never be verbally abusive, never become physically abusive.
strangely, developments in time, education and wealth, is no deterrent to violence. abusive relationships are still not all tt uncommon. and we have all heard of couples who have really ugly fights tt turn violent, where a lack of reasoning somehow crops up, where couples break up and make up as though breaking up is just another commonplace activity in a relationship.
i don't believe in breaking up. not as a commonplace activity. to me, a break up is a last resort solution, sort of like how suicide is to a really fucked up life. there is no going back, there is no taking back of, there is no make up session.
i guess different people with different characteristics have different types of relationships. some people have very intense ones; when they're happy, they're in this unearthly state of euphoria, but when they're mad with each other, it's like some kind of war and everything looks immensely bleak. others are on the other hand, relatively stable. the emotions don't bounce from one end of the spectrum to the other; of course, the absence of dramatics doesn't mean tt the fights don't evoke a much better response, tho.
interestingly, we witnessed a confrontation today. one tt was civil; in a civil setting. there were no dramatics, no screaming and crying, no harsh or loud words. yet the hostility, the conflict, the tension in the air; was visible.
and even though it's a civilised confrontation; i don't think it's still a conflict tt i would ever want to see myself embroiled in. interestingly, my other half professes to thrive on situations of conflict. yet he himself admits tt a conflict with me is not something tt he would like to be involved in. he says tt tt is the one conflict he does not want to have.
and nor do i. but to be honest, i don't see us having any situations of confrontation, civil or otherwise. for one, if there is a conflict, we will both be emotional, and he knows how emotional i can get. i can't reason rationally; not for long. i have a very strong avoidance tendency; in arguments tt i can't win or where i feel likely to betray a position of emotion or weakness, i get the fuck out of there asap.
so i guess it will be difficult to have a full-out confrontation when 1 party is conspicuously missing.
but still, i do try to avoid confrontations. we all do, i guess. it's just not fun. i don't like to pick fights. i don't see the point in unhappiness; either mine or the other party's. i am a very proud person, and for a long time i have sacrificed or compromised a lot of things to preserve my own pride, and i have come to realise tt i was rather foolish.
pride is one thing, but sometimes you discover tt it might just be empty. and when you lose someone tt means a lot to you, pride just doesn't seem to be so worth it. you can always have your pride, it stays with you so long as yuo don't betray your principles; not so much people.
i have come to realise tt his happiness is my happiness. i am happy when he is happy, cheerful when he is. i am thankful tt he no longer guards, not against me; i appreciate the sacrifices tt he has made for me and how he constantly indulges me with a willing heart.
i know my entries are undeniably mushy, but the feelings and emotions tt i express, i can't change the way i feel or put them in any other way. i may be cynical about a lot of things, arrogant and unforgiving about others, but when it comes to him, no matter what i say, i cannot deny the effect tt 'us' has on me.
i love him. and i hope we don't have a confrontation for as long as possible. and when we do, tt we will deal with it civilly. and still make up (without the break ups).
# posted by Kitana @ 8/18/2006 11:07:00 PM 
