absolutum dominium

warning: mushy entry ahead.

today was a happy day.

we only had to go to school for a 1-hour lecture on evidence; before tt we met for a japanese lunch at bugis before going to collect my laptop. i had the nabeyaki udon; he had the chicken nabe set.

and yes, it was an amusing affair attempting to order our food.

after the lecture we went to catch sophie scholl: the final days. we also popped by the new vila'ge - which is essentially marche renamed - at the heeren for an afternoon snack. some afternoon snack it was; we had calamari fritti, sausages and fried broccoli (we both love broccoli and he was craving it for quite a while), followed by designer coffee at tcc.

i fell asleep during the movie. it was ambitious, no doubt abt it, and an interesting biography and tribute to a german who dared defy the regime; but the movie wasn't particularly dramatic or exciting. they definitely kept true to the biography; but the climax of the show trial was a mere 10 min in a 2 hr 10 min movie, a large part of which was interrogation.

but the most interesting part of today, was this: for the first time since school started, we were happy.

i attribute a large part to the fact tt we weren't in school for more than an hour. but still.

we were happy. and it was interesting because ben would tell me periodically tt he was happy, in a way tt made it seem as if he were surprised to be happy.

later in the evening, he told me tt happiness scared him. 'happy' just didn't seem to be a so-called normal state. i asked him if it was due to the fleeting nature of happiness. and because by opening yourself up to the ability to embrace happiness, you inevitably open yourself up to the potential of feeling great pain.

we're not very different, he and i. our fears are similar, which is why the fact tt 4 months into our relationship; we're still as happy as when we first started out, we're still not at each other's throats, we're still not cynical and jaded... it unsettles me. i don't know if it's normal, if it's supposed to be. and i fear the time when we will no longer be happy, when we'll have arguments, when we'll be upset with each other.

but i am glad tt we took the chances together; to allow ourselves to feel happy. i guess for myself i've learnt tt there is no point in guarding your feelings; i have shielded myself from pain, but i regret the chances tt i never took. but i'm glad tt he took the chance with us, inspite of all the misgivings he might have had.

no matter how stable we are, the fear doesn't go away. the fear of the transient still remains. yet i feel extraordinarily secure in his arms. extraordinarily happy. he says tt contentment is halfway unto death, but i believe tt contentment is a fundamental tenet of life. there are things tt you must do and feel to in my opinion, have truly lived, and to allow yourself to be happy, is one of them.

it sounds strange to have the words 'dear' come from him. you cannot reconcile the big bad wolf with an endearment like 'dear'. i suppose tt is why it sounds extraordinarily sweet.