absolutum dominium

in sin city, the story of the same title involves an ugly boxer who avenges a prostitute whom he scrwed by hunting down, torturing and destroying every single entity involved in her murder.

for me, the hard goodbye isn't anything quite so life-or-death.

but it doesn't make it any less hard.

this is going to be a long post, namely because it's going to be my last post in singapore before i fly off to vancouver.

what can i say? the last few weeks, days esp, have been a hectic frenzy of meeting up whenever and wherever possible. and because i've been sacrificing sleep to meet up more, i've been susceptible to the attacks of wendy's infamous koon demon. 13 hours of sleep in 3 days...

and on mon morning, the koon demon struck me once. supposed to meet melissa at 8.10am for spinning class; she called me 5 times. i didn't hear my phone. she called my house phone. my mom picked up coz i didn't hear my house phone either... and afer my mom finally got me awake, i went right back to sleep and almost didn't make it in time for the 9.20am body pump.

after gym and lunch with the girl, i made my way down to the sub courts to go find the boy and listen in to his trial. me being half an hour late, the trial was over by the time i got there. which was a good thing actually; he came down to meet me instead... and i was *still* being held up at the security counter coz they couldn't believe tt my phillips-nike was an mp3 player, and apparently i couldn't carry an aerosol can in (my adidas body spray) so i had to write my name and ic on a piece of paper and stick it to the can... oh. and they opened up the box of the gift that melissa gave me. an egg-shaped waste bin with chicken legs.

opening up the present on the bus and seeing the title on the box made me burst out laughing. that's a good one. a waste bin with chicken legs. wahaha. both being full of rubbish, i assume? but i can't throw any rubbish in this one coz melissa decorated the outside with such a pretty message in pretty colours (even tho she has a poor appreciation of my fantastic one-line singing)... how can i bear to? *sigh* tt said, chicken legs (tt's what i'm calling it) is coming with me to vancouver! even though there's no more space in my luggage. then again, i can't fit my bolster and my soft red pig in either... HMM...

anyway i digress. me and the boy had a (2nd) lunch at chinatown; food court at the basement of people's park. then i sent him back to his office and went home to koon...

and the koon demon got me a second time. was supposed to meet the home team scholars johnny, ivan, qicong, leng lee, justin, wanyi, debiao and yanda (kailin couldn't make it tonight. i think coz we didn't bring our mothers) at 7pm at pasta fresca outside nus. i woke up at 7pm!!! couldn't hear my alarm clock... AGAIN!!! KNN!!!

in the end had to rush down... fortnuately i wasn't the latest. we sat around and talked cock and caught up with each other. i swear, we have this strange obsession with finding out if there are new developments in each other's love lives. seriously. qicong seems to get it quite bad; kailin has a lot of suitors, but she wasn't here to fill us in on them...

and then when we detoured to nydc johnny suddenly turned to me and said: "eh. you and him, how long already?" and i was like, horrified. i was like: "i thought you didn't know." oh. and johnny told ivan. therefore it pretty much means everyone else also knows.

and ugh. never let boys play with mushroom stalks tt look like bottle corks, and stuffed monkeys. otherwise you end up having a monkey with a broken cock... i mean cork. *rolls eyes*

later i was talking to the boy on the phone and i was telling him about how dinner had been. and his reply: "oh. so that's what scholars talk about..."

and i was like: "well. what do you expect? us to fold our arms and discuss the future of the criminal justice system in singapore is it?"

yesterday (tues) the koon demon got me a third time. supposed to meet cousins jo and dee at holland v at 11.30am. woke up at 11.30am. fortunately holland v is 10 min from my place by bus, or less. finally. after 3 months of planning, we finally meet. anyway we were just talking about how life was and our 'masters of the sea' family, and dee was telling us about how stressed she is with a science module, and now she's a theatre buff and she wants to watch 'sleeping beauty'... oh, and jo, a husband is not obligated to care for his wife and kids if he disappears off to thailand. the police have no power to bring him back. my cousins say tt they'll come send me off tomorrow (if the koon demon doesn't get them too)! :) yay. hmm... maybe i can show them the boy if we can sneak off without my parents finding out.

had a family dinner in the evening. then i met the boy after tt.

it's getting so difficult to keep a secret. my mom completely disapproves of me going out late coz she says "good girls don't go out late. good girls stay at home. girls who go out late are not good girls." and she's like: "if you havoc now, later who knows? you might be on the take. if you want a career in security, you cannot afford to havoc around. you must be guai. you cannot go out and stay out late."

and my dad kept on asking where i was going and what i was doing, and i was so fucking irritated with the both of them i asked them to leave me alone. my god, if i ever wondered why the fuck i live a double life and why i hide most of my real life from my parents, i think i can stop wondering now.

the boy borrowed a car to come get me. we had supper (his dinner) at shaw mac's, coz as usual, he'd forgotten to eat since lunch. again. then we drove to sentosa and sat on tanjonh beach at the benches next to km8, and talked. it was quiet and empty, and mostly dark except for the street lamps and the glow of the ships and the moon. i'd never seen sentosa at night.

i can't rem what we were talking about, exactly. everything and nothing. us. the surrealism of everything. how the fuck the 2 of us could actually end up together. it puzzles everyone, and it puzzles us too. i'd told him tt my dad had asked if i wanted him to promise me 3 things. and the boy asked if i wanted him to promise me anything too. i said i didn't want promises. but i prob did have stuff i would like him to do or not do. like a) he could drink, but not to excess. knowing how he drinks, i don't want his liver to collapse before he does; b) to not work to the extent tt he keeps forgetting to eat c) to keep doing what makes him happy.

he told me tt if ever i should find someone else in canada, all i would have to do is to let him know. and he would let me go. i said the same thing to him. not tt i think he will because for some reason i trust him so completely it bewilders me, but in any event, i would never put up a fight. if he's not mine, then he's not mine. i can't challenge god and i can't challenge love.

i told him tt i never wanted the moment at the beach to end. there are times when you just want time to stop so tt you can keep tt moment forever. this was one f those rare times where i just wanted time to stop, just for a while. this was the last time he would be in my arms, where we would be alone and there would be no one around. one last time where the world wouldn't matter, where my phone would be off and i would be uncontactable; the world could burn and i wouldn't give a flying fuck. all tt would matter is me and him. tt is all.

"tonight you calm my restlessness"

i hate the feeling of finality. knowing tt it won't last, tt you have to leave and return to reality and separate from him, it's a horrible feeling. it's not so much pain as a pressure on your chest and a hollowness in your stomach tt makes it hard to breathe. and you feeling your vision blur and you can't help the wetness in your eyes anymore because somehow it feels like your only expression of objection to the situation tt you're in.

it's all about choice. i chose this. i chose to go to vancouver. i chose to fall. i chose to be with him even though i knew damn well tt we would only have a month together before i would have to leave him. i made all those choices, and i made them with no regrets whatsoever. but now i'm beginning to understand why some people would rather break up before they leave than to carry on.

because the feeling of separation is horrible.

we drove down to a coffee joint in selegie so tt he could check out epl/uefa champions league news on liverpool, then he sent me home coz my dad was being paranoid and fuming. and for one moment, i was furious with my dad for wanting me home early. furious for cutting off the time i could spend with my boy, furious for him grounding me such tt i can't go out today; furious for a lot of things tt i once considered little, insignificant and inconsequential to me.

rationality was just not on the cards anymore.

the trip back was in silence. i had nothing to say. or rather, i couldn't say anything because i knew i would break if i did. it didn't matter anyway. once we were parked outside my house i just lost it. how the fuck does it hurt so bad? i didn't want to let go. i didn't want to stop. i didn't want to get out of the car. he had to come over to my side and open my door for me. walking away from him was the hardest thing i could do this night. i'd clench my teeth and stop myself from looking back, but then i would to see him standing where he'd left me, watching.

i've only sobbed once in my life. i'm talking gut-wrenching sobs tt you can hear from another room. tt was 3 years ago. i did tt again tonight. i'd barely walked through my door and i just couldn't control myself. i covered my mouth and i just couldn't stop and i was so scared tt my parents would hear me and wake up.

it's not the same. msn and email and phone is not the fucking same. everyone tells me there is tt; all is not lost. but it's come to the point where words aren't enough to convey what i feel anymore. i can't talk to him over the phone and be contented. i have to see him, have to hold him, have to feel tt reassurance and tt comfort and tt sense of surrealism again. i have to feel safe, protected, loved, and i want to feel carefree, like the rest of the world doesn't matter at all.

and if he's not there, i can never feel tt way. not for another year.

i will survive. we both will. we've both been single 3 years prior. we both are strong, independent, focused. we have work, studies, activities to keep us going and keep us busy.

i just wish it wouldn't be so fucking emotionally horrible.

anyway this morning i got my much-awaited shelling from my parents. something i was prepared to receive yesterday anyway when i went out late. returned my neil gaiman 'american gods' and bought 3 more of his books to read on the plane tomorrow. most of my packing is done, but i can't fit everything into my luggage. KNN.

melissa's coming over tonight. yay. :) although i think my packing will be more or less done by then. heh. but we can talk one last time before i go.

so anyway yep. i guess this is it. my final post from singapore.

just wanted to tell everyone: thanks for the memories.

i hope i have met up with everyone in time, and please do continue to stay in contact. by email, msn, phone, or even through this blog, which i will try to update often (but tt shouldn't be a problem. heh). ;)

all has been said tt must have been said, all has been done tt must have been done. you guys all meant, and still do mean, a lot to me, and i know i'll miss all of you like hell when i'm up in vancouver. so take care of yourselves... and uh... anymore orders for cute canadian hunks (i've got 2 so far)?

peace.