absolutum dominium

it's still fall in vancouver. but it's not raining anymore. from my window, i can see the tiny flakes of snow as they descend from the sky.

it's currently one degree outside. a part of me is thankful tt i am in the warmth of my room. a part of me is thankful tt i spent some time in the past hour outside in tt cold, standing with my arms outstretched and my face upturned towards the sky, watching and feeling as the flakes fell on and landed on my cheeks, my hair, my sweater and my hands.

as for my laptop, i had to buy a new one. it really hurt tt i had to blow around CAD $2000 for a new laptop. it really fucking hurt. but i didn't have a choice. when i went to get the assessment for tt lame-assed excuse for a fucking laptop hp today, the repair guy told me straight out tt he couldn't repair it. apparently the motherboard got trashed, and he needed to order a new one from hp direct since this model wasn't instock. and this process would take at least 2 weeks or more, and cost me upwards of CAD $500.

for tt fucking piece of shit.

so fuck it. forget tt i can't retrieve any of the things in my laptop anymore; not my many many pictures of vancouver and my friends and the dragonboat girls, not my 4 gb of music tt i painstakingly built up over the past 1 over year, and not the info and the work tt went towards the 2 papers i was working on but was too fucking stupid not to save elsewhere; i went to get a new laptop.

so meet toshi. not tt you can meet him now coz i'm using him to write this entry. but yeah. toshiba satellite. expensive, but it's got a 14 inch screen, 512 mb of ram, 100 fucking gb of hard drive space (YES!) and an in-built cd AND dvd burner, and it works 10 x faster than tt fucking excuse of a hp laptop.

so i'm doing ok. once i install ms office i can start work on my papers again (once i get over the inertia of course). and before tt, i'm rebuilding my itunes library and salvaging whatever little pictures i can.

just to vent the leftover negative energy about the whole fiasco, i was a little over-zealous with the totem punching bag tonight. it felt really really good when i was whacking the shit out of the sandbag, but as a result i'm suffering from badly scraped knuckles now. hurts when i wash my hands. yeesh. on the upside, i am going to watch 50 cent in concert this sat. now THAT is something to look forward to.

but truth be told, i'm still plagued by bouts of aloneness. even when i hang out with people and we have dinner or we eat ice-cream and pop corn and talk cock over silly jim carey movies (like tonight after the snow affair), i come back to my room and i sink into aloneness again. i know tt i talk about how much i miss... not singapore, but my girls... and yih and src and all the stuff tt we'd do together and the rowing and racing and the feeling... and i mean every single thing tt i say.

he says tt my problem is tt i'm too choosy about my friends. i don't accept whoever i hang out with. he says tt i should just chill out and go with the flow. stop being so idealistic. stop looking only for people tt i can click with, who can understand me, whom i can talk to. tt i have to lower my expectations.

i never thought about it tt way. am i too choosy about friends? too selective? i know tt i am... but i always believed in choosing my friends. i don't want to just accept anyone because it means tt you're allowing everyone into your heart, including people who don't deserve it, or people whom you don't mean enough to, or people who can hurt you. or should i just stop thinking too much?

i know tt i instinctively don't let anyone into my life. but when i do let them in, i let them in completely. and then they hurt me. somehow. it seems tt my sage and advisor is the one who has succeeded in hurting me again and again and the most of all.

maybe my friends (whom i am confiding in) are right. and maybe a break up should be just tt.