Wednesday, December 07, 2005
retrospection
food for thought.
taken from my previous blog entries.
17 june 2005:
the first meeting.
"i have met my role-model-to-be.
a guy who doesn't look like a cop, act like a cop, dress like a cop or talk like a cop. but he's done so much fucking more for the force and for society than people who do look act dress and talk like cops. i want to be like him, even if tt means signing my soul to the spf once i get it back from dragonboat and nus law. i want to work like him, think like him, be the kind of officer that he is.
johnny thinks i'm totally crazy over him (even though tt guy is 10 years older than me). maybe i am, coz i know i'm in love with his mind.
but tt's for another day. if anything, spf has a hell lot of eye candy. i told the guys my plans for the future which include staying single and devoting all my life to my cases. eye candy with no committment should be more than enough for me.
besides like johnny says... there's always ONS. ;)"
23 june 2005:
the first dinner and coffee.
"he's charming. he's so goddamned charming he puts all other singaporean men i know to shame. he's frank and open. i love his philosophy of life. i love his way of thinking. i love his personality. and most of all, i love the way he makes me laugh. and i'm not just saying jokes or a sense of humour. i have never laughed this fucking hard in a very long time. we were in tcc and i was laughing so much tt people were turning and staring, and my stomach hurt and i felt like i was going into spasms."
26 june 2005:
confrontation.
"i'm so confused.
but the best - or worst - thing, is tt we click. i can talk to you about everything under the sun, and when it comes to jokes you make me laugh so much tt it hurts, and when it comes to serious stuff i feel like you're the only one who gets what i think. coz let's face it like i said. i'm a fucking idealist. and most people don't understand tt.
my sms inbox is always flooded with messages from you. and i need to delete them but i don't know where to start and i can't delete them fast enough. and i find it amusing tt even when you camp out in the office for days on end or when you're outside some bar or club or ktv pub (what an old man hang-out. yeesh) you still call and talk to me for about 20 min at least.
every practical thing tells me tt there is no happy ending. there is nothing but pain and heart break and suffering, because of what you are and what i am. the other differences - what i consider inconsequential differences - mean so much to the rest of society tt everyone will never let us be together. and tt is even if i survive exchange.
i always thought tt i was ready to go on exchange. go away for a year. leave my parents behind. have a fling with a cute canadian boy or 3. hah. and now i don't really want to go anymore. it's not the going tt is the problem. i don't want to leave.
i always thought tt chemistry was the essential element for a relationship to work. i still think it is. scarily, at the worst possible time and in the worst possible situation i think i've found it."
15 july 2005:
together.
"i know tt the friends worry. i'll be gone for 1 year. there is only a month plus before i leave. can a new and fragile relationship survive a 1 year absence? i don't know. i can't tell you. we both have decided to have no expectations. yes we're together but he doesn't want a promise of commitment from me. he says he will be committed to me and waiting, but he's giving me the option to change my mind (yeah. i know. i'm getting a fucking good deal and i think he's really too fucking good to me). we're going on feelings here.
when there is nothing else, there is tt feeling of happiness tt we feel when we're with each other. it doesn't matter if we don't do anything at all. it doesn't matter if we don't say anything to each other. my bro calls it 'contentment'. let's be cliche. let's call it 'bliss'. but it's there. it exists, tho i still have no goddamned idea how.
so we both came to this conclusion (i told you. we both think so alike i think it's fucking scary): if He has a plan for all this, then no matter all the obstacles and barriers tt we have to overcome, we'll be strong enough to survive them all."
22 july 2005:
foreshadowance.
"during dinner he was telling me tt he'd spoken to a female friend of his about us. and she was the first one to give him negative comments. said to him tt he'd better think through this carefully because i probably wasn't serious about this relationship. tt i was "just being 21", being naive and impulsive, challenging the norm to god knows what end. said tt when i went to canada, i'd probably hook up with some canadian boy and forget all about him, and he would be the one hurting."
24 august 2005:
the hard goodbye.
"it's all about choice. i chose this. i chose to go to vancouver. i chose to fall. i chose to be with him even though i knew damn well tt we would only have a month together before i would have to leave him. i made all those choices, and i made them with no regrets whatsoever. but now i'm beginning to understand why some people would rather break up before they leave than to carry on."
7 dec 2005:
and look where we are now?
we don't talk anymore, email anymore. i'm no longer a part of your life, nor you of mine. it's not tt i don't try anymore, but it's tt you don't respond anymore. you stopped a long time ago, and i've stopped trying. and thus it ends.
did it die? or have we both just lost our faith?
now playing: hotel costes - cafe de flor
taken from my previous blog entries.
17 june 2005:
the first meeting.
"i have met my role-model-to-be.
a guy who doesn't look like a cop, act like a cop, dress like a cop or talk like a cop. but he's done so much fucking more for the force and for society than people who do look act dress and talk like cops. i want to be like him, even if tt means signing my soul to the spf once i get it back from dragonboat and nus law. i want to work like him, think like him, be the kind of officer that he is.
johnny thinks i'm totally crazy over him (even though tt guy is 10 years older than me). maybe i am, coz i know i'm in love with his mind.
but tt's for another day. if anything, spf has a hell lot of eye candy. i told the guys my plans for the future which include staying single and devoting all my life to my cases. eye candy with no committment should be more than enough for me.
besides like johnny says... there's always ONS. ;)"
23 june 2005:
the first dinner and coffee.
"he's charming. he's so goddamned charming he puts all other singaporean men i know to shame. he's frank and open. i love his philosophy of life. i love his way of thinking. i love his personality. and most of all, i love the way he makes me laugh. and i'm not just saying jokes or a sense of humour. i have never laughed this fucking hard in a very long time. we were in tcc and i was laughing so much tt people were turning and staring, and my stomach hurt and i felt like i was going into spasms."
26 june 2005:
confrontation.
"i'm so confused.
but the best - or worst - thing, is tt we click. i can talk to you about everything under the sun, and when it comes to jokes you make me laugh so much tt it hurts, and when it comes to serious stuff i feel like you're the only one who gets what i think. coz let's face it like i said. i'm a fucking idealist. and most people don't understand tt.
my sms inbox is always flooded with messages from you. and i need to delete them but i don't know where to start and i can't delete them fast enough. and i find it amusing tt even when you camp out in the office for days on end or when you're outside some bar or club or ktv pub (what an old man hang-out. yeesh) you still call and talk to me for about 20 min at least.
every practical thing tells me tt there is no happy ending. there is nothing but pain and heart break and suffering, because of what you are and what i am. the other differences - what i consider inconsequential differences - mean so much to the rest of society tt everyone will never let us be together. and tt is even if i survive exchange.
i always thought tt i was ready to go on exchange. go away for a year. leave my parents behind. have a fling with a cute canadian boy or 3. hah. and now i don't really want to go anymore. it's not the going tt is the problem. i don't want to leave.
i always thought tt chemistry was the essential element for a relationship to work. i still think it is. scarily, at the worst possible time and in the worst possible situation i think i've found it."
15 july 2005:
together.
"i know tt the friends worry. i'll be gone for 1 year. there is only a month plus before i leave. can a new and fragile relationship survive a 1 year absence? i don't know. i can't tell you. we both have decided to have no expectations. yes we're together but he doesn't want a promise of commitment from me. he says he will be committed to me and waiting, but he's giving me the option to change my mind (yeah. i know. i'm getting a fucking good deal and i think he's really too fucking good to me). we're going on feelings here.
when there is nothing else, there is tt feeling of happiness tt we feel when we're with each other. it doesn't matter if we don't do anything at all. it doesn't matter if we don't say anything to each other. my bro calls it 'contentment'. let's be cliche. let's call it 'bliss'. but it's there. it exists, tho i still have no goddamned idea how.
so we both came to this conclusion (i told you. we both think so alike i think it's fucking scary): if He has a plan for all this, then no matter all the obstacles and barriers tt we have to overcome, we'll be strong enough to survive them all."
22 july 2005:
foreshadowance.
"during dinner he was telling me tt he'd spoken to a female friend of his about us. and she was the first one to give him negative comments. said to him tt he'd better think through this carefully because i probably wasn't serious about this relationship. tt i was "just being 21", being naive and impulsive, challenging the norm to god knows what end. said tt when i went to canada, i'd probably hook up with some canadian boy and forget all about him, and he would be the one hurting."
24 august 2005:
the hard goodbye.
"it's all about choice. i chose this. i chose to go to vancouver. i chose to fall. i chose to be with him even though i knew damn well tt we would only have a month together before i would have to leave him. i made all those choices, and i made them with no regrets whatsoever. but now i'm beginning to understand why some people would rather break up before they leave than to carry on."
7 dec 2005:
and look where we are now?
we don't talk anymore, email anymore. i'm no longer a part of your life, nor you of mine. it's not tt i don't try anymore, but it's tt you don't respond anymore. you stopped a long time ago, and i've stopped trying. and thus it ends.
did it die? or have we both just lost our faith?
# posted by Kitana @ 12/07/2005 01:35:00 PM 
