absolutum dominium

the weekend was one mainly of pain. how do you choose your parentage? i wish i could have chosen mine.

he was a brief respite; i understand the solutions but i don't find them possible to carry out. i envy those who have the freedom and space and the respect to live their own lives and to carve out their own dreams; i feel like a caged bird forever trapped; wanting to fly but still my wings are tethered. and i fear they may be broken.

people assume a lot of things. people try to give you help; try to interfere. but i have come to realise tt this is of no use. because all they want to see the picture-perfect unit; they want to see outward harmony. there is no focus on the cracks, on the microscopic details. we could have suffered for years, but all would have been well as long as i chose to accept subsistence over life.

i cannot accept subsistence any longer.

we were at sin ming today. they had pet shops selling puppies. the shi tzu and snauchzer puppies are incredibly adorable. looking at them really cheered me up and made me feel better. if only they were not caged. i want to have my own dog to raise when i get my own place. i guess for an apartment, it will have to be a small dog, although i would love a german shephard or a golden retriever. i think it will be difficult to within the first few years when i have to concentrate on forming and consolidating my career, but maybe, when my time stabilizes or i am able to find someone who is willing to love a dog as well...

i am fortunate tt he loves dogs as much as i do.