Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Recovering My Past #11: November 16-24 2004
As of now, I wish to switch back to Blogspot. But I don't wish to lose all that I have worked for so far. So I will attempt to salvage as much of my past as I possibly can.
Wish me luck.
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Wednesday, November 24, 2004
| This is the gloaming. "It is now the witching hour. Murderers, you murderers. We're not the same as you. When the walls bend, when the walls bend With your breathing, with your breathing They will suck you down to the other side." Time check: It's midnight. And I am not in my room. The SRC Conference Room has been my camping ground for the past few weeks. It and YIH Study Room and Central Library. The lights are bright and the room big and sterile. So quiet that I can hear the incessant type type type of my hands on the keyboard as I alternate between Corporate Liability, Lexis , Letssingit and Xanga. Quiet. Except for the wail of Radiohead. Music to my ears. Depressive in this already depressive atmosphere. Perfect for me. The day isn't going down on me. It has already gone down, and everywhere is darkness.
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Monday, November 22, 2004
| I don't know how it is that for all the reading I did and all the notes I made, when it came to the question I had no fucking thing to write. I feel so numbed. | |
| Fucking brainless moron. When someone is down you don't go and say "Why leh? You didn't study is it?" Fuck you lah you fucking ball-less son of a bitch. If I ever see you again I'm going to beat the moronity out of you. Be glad all I'm doing is blocking you from my MSN permanently. Dammit. I should have blocked you a long time ago. | |
RIVER REGATTA 2004: DAY 2 What we got.  WIll suffice for now till I'm done with my paper.  Team NUS dragonboat. Girls.  This is for the girls I love to love. | |
Saturday, November 20, 2004
| RIVER REGATTA 2004: DAY 1 Continuing on the tangent of what a difference a year makes... If one thing hasn't changed from the last regatta to this one, it's how much I love our race singlet. I took mine out of its packaging this morning. Black Mizuno with teamNUS dragonboat emblazoned on the back. It's ironic that I have never really liked NUS, or considered myself a proud member of 'teamNUS'. But seeing these words and knowing who my teammates are and what kind of team I belong to, and somehow this unexplainable feeling of pride surges up. I'm not being arrogant this time. I'm not trying to think poorly of other teams. Somehow from the way the team collectively functions, I realise that we do tend to give people a bad impression of ourselves as an 'attitude team'. But I'll come to that later. Yes, I guess to everyone else we ARE an attitude team. We are damn insistent on what we consider ours and our rights. We don't want to be messed with. But yet outsiders don't have the privilege to see us from the inside, the degree of closeness and dependency and trust. The level of morale, the unity, the bond. I can never explain it well. Everytime rationality tells me of all the plans I have and can make once I leave the team, some moment like this makes it hard for me to want to let go again. But nonetheless, I wear the Black Mizuno. Incidentally, with my black shorts, black Nike cap and (later) black life-jacket, suddenly I think: hey... if I had darker skin I could very literally be a part of the All-Blacks! Wahaha. Okay, lame. No relevance. So we meet at Raffles Place, have the traditional pre-race breakfast at McDonalds (along with the usual restrictions), and then encounter some 'friction' with the SAFSA people who usurped our places even though we'd put our bags there. So we moved them away but obviously a lot of us didn't look happy, so they accused us of being 'damn attitude'. I guess we have a right to be angry, but still I personally don't think we should make so big a fuss out of this, because IMHO, the team image to other teams may be important. And since I've always thought tt the other teams were damn dao and arrogant, I just hope we can be different. The NUS guys stream in around now. We take a few photos and have the usual gift exchange thingy, which trust me is a lot of fun. A 'paddle' (rice scoop) from Boon Chin and Geox, Jul gives me a rubber uh... knife with a note attached with a reference to me as her partner! (which she keeps asking me to read, and then looks disappointed when I tell her I'll read when I get home), Cheeling and Zhenyi give us cute little personalized pieces of cloth sewed into miniature singlets, and Mona and Vic gives us uh... sponge. Or a piece of sponge with our names on it. Mona specially points out that mine has a 'special' musical note - to represent my bad singing, and a bolt of lightning next to that musical note. {Interjection: Oh no. As I'm writing all this out I have this sudden really strong urge to cry.} We do the usual housekeeping stuff, warm up (oh trust me the IVP jacket keeps you *steaming*), and prepare ourselves for our race. I'm in the first race - Women's Open Heats at 1.50pm (Team B); back-pack 3rd seat (as expected). It's the 'Seniors' boat, with only Wenya and Jul (who is my partner again!) as the only juniors. The Team A boat at 2.00pm is the more-than-half junior boat. Wenya gets a bit nervious, and I remember the first time I was here one year ago. When Peiwen wasn't in what David calls 'beach wear', but was the captain of the team. When Mona was as unseeded as I was, and not the formidable captain-in-Black that she is today. When we were all newbies, uncertain, and nervous, when I could honestly say tt I was a sucky rower, and somehow it seems like I've come so far now. Sometimes it's strange to be a senior. I say it not only in respect to dragonboat, but in general. In law school, hell, anywhere. When people look up to you and ask you questions or look to you for reassurance. Or sometimes when they pretend to be brave like you even though they're frightened. Somehow I get extremely huggy on race days. I'm always going around hugging teammates or squeezing them on the shoulder or putting an arm around their back or waist. Somehow it's literally that we're all in the same boat. There is excitement and detachment from the scene all at the same time. We row off to the starting line. I'm nervous, yet calm. After June, River Regatta is not quite so xiong. As usual, the announcers teh us. "NUS, do you want to participate in this race?" "NUS, row to the starting line now immediately or you will be disqualified." The same empty threats are being used now as they were in June. I think the announcers really don't like NUS. One year ago I would be scared, I might have listened to the announcer. One year later, I don't give a fuck. We don't move, no matter what threats they scream at us or how much they try to get us to move forward and back. David's our coxswain. "Listen to my voice only." And that settles it. Nothing comes from him, we don't follow. We're Lane 4. NJC is somewhere around. NYJC is somewhere around. I see Stanley from hall coxing for the girls' team. I overhear some team on our left say something about 'giving them a good fight'. In 6 months, we've gone from overlooked underdogs to a team tt is actually feared. Johnny told me tt apparently, NUS has the unofficial title of "Kallang's Best Starts". We started out damn strong. I put as much energy as I could into my starts. Thing about rowing with a cough is tt you get breathless faster, so the middle part was really an exercise in mental power. Somehow somewhere I had this amazing strength to just push through until I heard the whistle and tt was it. The saving grace. (Funny thing is I didn't hear the commands in between the beginning and the end. :() We came in second to NJ. Apparently we had been leading from our starts, but they caught up on the charge. David was "quite upset" with our performance actually. Actually I thought we could have done better. We're in the semis for Team B, but seriously. I personally thought tt had we heard the commands to follow, maybe we might have done better. Fortunately, we have 1 more day to rectify our errors. Team A went 10 min later. The juniors to me, were great. There was a steadiness in the way they rowed from start to end. The team couldn't make it into the semis, but we're all so proud of them because they've really done so well. The Mixed heats was scheduled for 3.35pm (but due to extensive delays it was pushed all the way back to 4.35pm). Was selected to row, again with Jul. The only catch was this: David put us ALL THE WAY at the back of the boat. We were the last pair. 2 girls behind at least 4 huge hulking guys. I commented tt we'd never be able to see the pacer from where we were. In fact, I was surprised by David's arrangement. Our power pack was people like Mona, Cheeling and Vic - our backpack. And he put them in the mid-pack. Instead, he put me and Jul in the backpack. His only reply to the quizzical looks (from the guys) was "Don't see them no up. They may be small but they're both damn strong." Hey, at least we're still small. :) Heh. We go down for our race set. The boat (to me) is damn slippery so I have to change the position of my feet to a completely new position I have never used in the whole of my time in the team. {interjection: was called down for dinner, which extended to a 2 hour laughathon with 2 monkeys... (so called because they were making such like noises when I came back upstairs).} David calls for some practice strokes. I row so hard that somehow somewhere the paddle just slips through my hands and I just watch as we row off without it. So I take the extra paddle in front of me and hope no one else needs it later. So we're at the starting line. We row as hard as we can. Towards the middle I'm feeling the exertion. Last charge: I'm seeing the boat next to ours and it seems a little ahead. We MUST get through the Heats. So I start growling and just pull through. And NUS is 1st for Mixed Heats. NUS Men's IVP Heats about 20 min later. They're with Ngee Ann, Temasek Poly, and NYP. From the beginning, Ngee Ann is leading. Followed by Temasek. NUS is third. Only 1st and 2nd can get through to the semis. Temasek starts to push through the middle. NUS hasn't caught up. The girls we're standing there screaming for them to push harder. [Note: At this point in time Mona happily points to me tt my eye-candy is next to me. Whether it's a good thing or not remains to be seen, coz: 1.He looks as cute as ever. 2. He is as distracting as ever. 3. He *still* puts this huge idiotic grin on my face tt embarasses me to bits coz it's no fun trying not to look like you're smiling at nothing in particular. But thanks babe. Eye-candy really helps brighten up an already-bright afternoon.] And then tt's when the drama unfolds. Later, we were told that as Temasek caught up with Ngee Ann, their coxswain accidentally rammed their boat into the middle of Ngee Ann's boat. In return, Ngee Ann's coxswain completely lost control of the boat and it did a circular U-turn abt 100m (or 50m) from the finishing line. Temasek's route was completely blocked. NUS nearly got knocked into by Ngee Ann's out-of-control boat, but the guys rowed fast enough just that only the dragon tail was knocked off. And the Ngee Ann boat just completely capsized, spilling all the guys out. It's like some big ironic dramedy. The 3rd and 4th boats become the first and second. Ngee Ann and Temasek, the 2 fastest boats, got disqualified. The Ngee Ann guys were so furious and upset. Even as they were still in the water, there was shouting, screaming and cursing to be heard from the stands. I saw a few vent their frustrations on their paddles, the boat, hurl abuse at Temasek and the officials and whoever else would listen, and as they came back to land some were crying. I felt kind of sorry for them, yet so relieved for our guys too. We cooled down, debriefed, and I caught a cab back with Johnny, Alvin, and this other PRC dragonboater from his hall (but he's an exception to my dislike of PRCs coz he seems soft-spoken, mild-mannered and polite). Johnny was his usual self, nice and all, just tt I don't think it was very nice to say my girls are fat, or in front of his own vice-cap, talk abt his own unhappiness with the way his guys rowed (considering his attendence in his team, if I were Alvin I wouldn't be too happy with the 'frankness', esp to a member of the *girls'* team). Anyway yep. Was supposed to buy dinner for Hede, but didn't stop by to buy anything for him, so in the end he went to buy dinner. Wah... super full after tt Hokkien mee. And plus my *parents* brought me soup with winter melon, egg drop, barley seeds and minced meat, so tonight I am *stuffed*. Seriously stuffed. But the conversation with Hede and GY is a major laughathon. Wah lau... Stupid jokes about SoLar Energy and SoYa Bean, and GY's experiences in Malaysian toilets with too-helpful strangers... Wahaha... And someone study so hard until must watch cartoon arh? Arhaha. :P Anyway tomorrow is another day. Going to try and piah finish all my work tonight. Tomorrow I'm going to make this Race one race to remember. And I'll remember to fill my camera with more pictures of the girls I love. I need, esp, 1 picture with Mona, 1 pic with Geox, 1 pic with Jul (and Wenya, and Cindy, and Yirang), 1 with Meiping and Cheeling, 1 with Wendz, Boonchin... Hell... One with all of them. :) Tomorrow. For now, this one's for you.  | |
Friday, November 19, 2004
"AND WHEN I SEE YOU, I REALLY SEE YOU UPSIDE DOWN" I apologize for the outpouring of numerous short, random posts. It's a departure from my usual blogging style. It's more like mid-mugging breaks. Everyday my mood is moulded by 1 song on my playlist. Today it's the song below. And now, ironically, I just want to say what a difference a year makes. One year ago compared to one year later. Now. I won't go into so much detail now as I will later, when I have more time, but suffice to say, one year ago I was a mess. A wreck. A screw-up. There was the exams, there was race, but my mind was on things tt to me meant my world then, and now I realise those things mean nothing to me anymore. How ironic the amount of pain I went through, and for nothing. I don't care if the right or wrong people read this. If you know what I'm talking about then you know. I'm not hiding and I'm not pretending. I don't carry blame. I haven't carried blame for a long time. I just carry the scars. From what I lost. That bit of innocence. That bit of idealism. And naivete. That bit of confidence. But yet I gained a lot more. I lost friends. But I found new ones. I found a family in my team. I found a strength in myself tt I thought I would never have possessed. And though the journey back to myself was a lot harder than that long slippery slope down, I climbed out. Not without slipping lower than I'd ever thought I'd let myself sink, doing things tt I'd never thought I'd do or forgive myself for doing. But it's life and I make mistakes. Had I never hit rock-bottom I'd never have known where to climb up. Had I not crashed I would never had started on that journey to re-discover what life meant to me, or discover the importance of being true to myself and cherishing the love that I have in and around me, instead of chasing after dreams and illusions. This is fact not fiction. For the first time in a year. | |
THE NIGHT BEFORE Anxious. Jittery. Pushing to finish Property but in the back of my mind what matters to me most is that Command. Noise from the crowd. Smell of the salt-water. Crash of waves against the boat. Heart pounding in my chest. My own breathing heavy in my ears, my mind dizzy with anticipation. Knuckles gripping the paddle so tightly I was born with it. "Are you Ready?!" 300 m. 5 boats. 12 girls. 1 stroke. 1 heart. My last time, let me make it good. 1.50. 2.00. 3.35. I said it before why I do this, and I'll say it again why I do this. I do this for them. Because I love them. My teammates. My girls.
A LACK OF COLOUR And when I see you, I really see you upside down | |
| I cannot take act-cute hell. I really cannot. I really cannot. It kills me. GOD. Oh, and thanks Huihua and Cuiyu. From LTA s 4: 1. "caveatee" means the proprietor or other owner of land described in a caveat and to whom notice of the caveat is required to be given 2. "caveator" means the person by whom or on whose behalf a caveat has been lodged | |
| "I should have given you a reason to stay." | |
| FOR LAW BLOG VOYEURS Can someone (who has already done Prop Law) explain to me, what is a caveator and what is a caveatee? Who lodges the caveat? And if 1 guy is the one who lodges the caveat, then who is the other guy supposed to be? *confused* | |
Thursday, November 18, 2004
| IRREPRESSIBLE COUGHING FITS I decided to run today. Happily, I told Adrian that I would either run 6 km or 12 km (the latter being determinant on how good I felt running). My route was approx. 5 km. Which meant I ran a total of 2.5km. Why? You ask. Very simply, because for every 10-20 m that I ran, I would be overcome by bouts of severe breathlessness and irrepressible coughing fits. Like *run run run run run* *pause* *cough cough cough cough cough*. And then I'd proceed to walk another 10 - 20 m until the coughing fit died down and I could run normally again. And yes, this cycle repeated itself the entire route. Okay, admittedly I was too ambitious. Not fully recovered, still got a bit of cough, still got phelgm, still got a bit of blocked nose, still go run. But the thing is this: 1. no fever. 2. I don't feel like a sick person at all. I mean yes, I blow my nose like tissue is free, I'm coughing a fair bit and I'm as phelgmy as well... whatever is phlegmy. But the thing is apart from tt, I feel *fine*. And I need the break from mugging. As I was walking out for my run I overheard someone say "Wah. Exams still got time to go and run arh?" I think it's a stupid question. Tell me, who studies 24 hours a day? Okay, let's take away 8 hours for sleep and 2 hours for breakfast, lunch, dinner and bath-time, assuming tt you live a semblence of normality. That gives you effectively 14 hours to study. So I ask you this question: can you study for 14 hours straight? I can't. My max is 6 (even if I coop myself up in the lib for 12 hours, the max concentration time is 6). What do you do with the rest of the time? You take *breaks*. You sleep. You listen to music. You chat with friends. You eat (somemore). Or, you run. Let's assume a run is what? 30 min average? 1 hour for a long run, and 15 min for a short run? And you tell me you have *no time* to run because it's exam period? Quote unquote (whoever said this): Wake up your bloody idea. But anyway back to me. Yes. Running is one of my fave activities. I don't mean competitive running. I don't mean run-without-lungs running (unlike *some* people). For tonight, I was running at the pace of bloody snail, knowing tt I wasn't well enough to put too much pressure on myself. And still my lungs felt as though I was chionging up the PGP slope as though a mad tiger was biting at my heels. So tt was how my run went. Horribly. It's so damn bloody frustrating. Here I am desperately wanting a break from trying to figure out what is indefeasible and what is not and I don't give a flying fuck what interests are caveatable or not... and I can't get it coz the spirit is willing but the flesh is too damn bloody weak to obey. Okay, maybe spirit not strong enough. If a woman with breast cancer can run full marathons country to country, if Terry Fox can run with only one good leg, what's a little pain like that to stop me dammit?? EARGH. Yar. So you get my frustration. Besides that, I was running that up-down-up-down route leading from PGP to behind Central Library, and in the distance I saw this lone figure standing motionless in the middle of the road ( and I mean white road divider middle), with his head slanted to one side. I thought I was seeing a ghost. What the hell? In the middle of the bloody night? But as I drew nearer he moved... and from behind him his girlfriend popped out. Turns out they were frenching/necking in the middle of the road in the middle of the night for God-know-what reason I don't know. (Scenario: 2 people holding hands walking in middle of road in middle of night. Girl: "Ooh. It's so dark... And scary! (Insert guy's name here), I'm so scared! Good thing you're here to protect me!" Guy: "Of course! I'm the man! I'm big and strong and I will protect you!" Girl proceeds to huddle into guy's shoulder, and somehow it gets really romantic (even tho it's the *Central Library back road* for goodness sake) and they kiss. Everyone... AWWWWW.) PDA PDA PDA ALERT! Okay, so it's not really a public display of affection because one person doesn't make up the entire demographic for public, but STILL. My sensibilities are offended. IMHO, anything beyond hand-holding should be done in the bedroom. Okay, wedding ceremony is the exception. But seriously, get a room. Or go back to your hall. Oh, and did I mention they were either PRC or Vietnamese (orrrbit clothes), so tt makes it even more offending to my sensibilities! Ugh, if my bloody eye infection comes back I know why. GRR. Anyway yes, I would never be caught doing anything like this in public. I find it extremely crass and distasteful. The only exception I would give myself is if I were dead drunk, in which case I would probably have to be excused, since I *have* done a whole bunch of things dead drunk. But anyway I haven't been drunk in over 6 months, and I'm happy to say that I'd like to keep the slate clean for some time yet. :) One of the good things tt dragonboat training did for me, is tt it helped wean me off drinking and clubbing. One whole month without Phuture and my poisons (because waking up at 5.30am every Thursday morning means you CANNOT afford to club at all on Wed night), and somehow both just lost their appeal. Sure, I still like clubbing. Sure, I still enjoy indulging in drink. But it doesn't hold tt same attraction it used to. And I'm very happy for that. :) Anyway I was walking back the last few hundred metres to hall, and I saw 'NUS Law' written in the cement of the pavement. I'm aghast. How can *anyone* from Law school be so fucking childish? This is ridiculous. (!!!) So much for the creme de la creme. But BTW, if the person who vandalised tt pavement was just trying to frame the faculty, I hope tt when/if you get a car, you will get a parking summon everytime you park tt car!!! And demerit points too. [edit: Am on my way to flabby-land! Have a full burger nestling nicely in my stomach at 1.30am in the morning. Not my fault! Hall dinner tonight was BLEAH and I was hunnnnnngry!!! And KR Fong Seng only has unhealthy or unhealthier food. :( Oh well. I feel so lifeless and unenergetic. I don't even give big smiles or happy 'hi's to people I know studying in the KR Comm Hall. Damn, now I bet they think I'm dao. And I don't wanna be thought of as dao. There's already someone who is DAMN dao around. And I don't EVER wanna be in the same category as her. Bleah. *burp*] | |
| There is a fucking a lot of ants in my room. I don't know where they are coming from or what the hell they are doing. They are just crawling on my table, my cupboard, my walls, my floor etc... And I've been killing so many since last week tt my room is littered with little dead ant corpses. I am tempted to ask some kind soul for Baygon and just annihilate the whole bloody lot. DIE DIE DIE!!! BTW, I went to NUS co-op to buy tissue boxes. Now I FINALLY have tissue. I can finally blow my nose as freely as I want. Fantastic. Oh. And I also happened to see prawn crackers from a 'famous' island off the coast of Thailand, called the 'SIMILAN' island. I have a picture of the can on my phone, if you are interested in verifying the info. Count down: 2 days to River Regatta. I'm getting SOOOOOO jittery... about the race. Not my exam. Oh dear... | |
| THE PERFECT BREAK-UP Even tho I don't have a relationship now, I've already got the whole break-up scene planned. Aka what I will do if I get dumped. Accordingly it's to take a cue from 'Nikki' from the 2004 remake of Alfie. No fuss, no mess, no crying, no begging, no pleading. 1 sentence "Okay. I'm already gone." And out of his life (and apartment) into the cold rain without a backward glance, and with my dignity intact. | |
| I find it vaguely disturbing, that popular songs seem to advocate 2 minute romances. Especially if you're a black male rapper/singer. For some reason there's always this girl tt you see who blows you away coz she's got the finest ass/butt/applebottom (always in jeans) or fine legs etc etc etc, and then you ask for her number (and you always get it), you ask her out (on the first day, and yes she always says 'okay'), and usually by day 2 or latest, day 3, you're 'kissing 'em curves/lips/skin' etc etc etc and you're fucking and stuff. This is usually by the time verse 2 is done. But the time it comes to the bridge, you are expounding to the world how much you can't live without her and how much she means to you... And I'm like. HMM. I suppose it could be worse. The other half of black male rapper/singer songs involve going for a night on the town (e.g. the club) with ze 'homies, dirty-dancing with some really hot chick with a big butt (or a sexy butt or a pert butt or something to tt extent), and then taking her home and... Ooh. Let's turn on the Discovery Channel! It's mating season again. | |
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
| I hate it, absolutely hate it, when stick-insect girls with 22 inch waists complain tt they are *fat* and cannot afford to eat this and that and this and that because hello? Are you delusional or do you just crave all that attention and reassurance from your envious fatter peers ("Oh you poor thing... You're not fat. Really you're not." ... *but die you bitch. die. i hope you fall into a vat of oil and just drink oil till you bloat up like a blubbered whale and finally know the meaning of fat and die!!!*). Shut up bitches. P.S I have a new secret blog! Wahaha. Not that I'm giving up this one (obviously I won't), but since this one is *too* public and *too* many people have access to it and there is *too* much tt I want to say and yes, I finally admit, have not been able to say it because I know tt someone or other will find out tt it's in reference to him or her or them, so I have another blog. But you will never see it. Wahaha. Too bad, so sad. Coz tt one's going to be even juicier than this one. Heh heh heh.) [edit: there's someone I've seen around who goes *everywhere* using *gasp* the lift. Even if it's just 1 floor. Now, big butts are normal on women, but here's some guy with a big butt too. And now I know why. Wahaha. P.S. Person has pissed me off by usurping my right of passage into said lift. BOOO!!!] | |
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
| I woke up this morning and almost happily washed my face with toothpaste. [edit: songs like Deathcab's 'Transatlantism' make me feel lonely. "I need you so much closer." I need someone so much closer, but at this point in time it is a someone with no face, no name, and to whom I am of no value. ... Okay. Back to work.]
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| RANDOM WHININGS 4 days to River Regatta, 6 days to Prop Law Exam... And my body chooses *now* to play Russian Roulette with me?!?!?!?! Argh. I HATE pre-exam syndrome. That's when you have bad skin, bad hair, bad eyesight (!!), bad body... and ugh, add bad health to the list. Yuck. I have a horrible yucky pimple on my nose. This is compounded by the fact tt the pimple scars of the 3 other pimples on my nose are still there! Gross. I feel like the Wicked Witch of the West! Bleah. My hair... There's something wrong with it. It looks limp and lifeless. It demands a pampering at The Scene... But no time no time no time! :( Oh, and and and... my conjunctivitis seems to be gone, but my eyes seem to have lost their ability to produce moisture. Every now and then *I* have to manually add tear drops. And they get so tired and so painful so fast. And I'm getting fat. Can't run coz I'm sick *cough cough cough*, am eating and sleeping too much, and apparently stress adds to abdominal fat, coz my abdominals look pudgy. Gasp! *poke poke* And and and I'm sick. Yesterday the fever hit 39 degrees. Today after studying at the Conference Room, I came back to check and it was 39.5 degrees. It dropped to 38, then 37, then hit 38 again. I'm coughing (chesty cough), and it's SO frustrating. And you know the funniest thing, I don't feel like a sick person. Sure, I feel *immensely* cold, sure, I feel really heavy, like I'm dragging the entire body weight of an extra person with me all over the place when I move around, but I don't feel miserable. I fascinate myself. Wahaha. But I apologize if I don't smile much, look murderous, am extremely quiet, and speak very softly. I'm a bit tired, a bit stressed, a bit under the weather, a bit drained of energy, a bit phelgmy and my vocals aren't condusive for speaking loudly. But ugh, my appetite is weird. I get hungry *really* easily, but I can't eat lunch or dinner. Putting cooked food into my mouth makes me feeling like puking it all out again. Yet I still get hungry. Maybe I should stick to steamed cakes and steamed baos and steamed uh... *things* till my appetite does something for itself. For some reason right now the thought of oil, of MSG, of meat, of garlic,of all sorts of things found in cooked food, just makes me feel like throwing up. :( There, I said all tt! I feel better now. I mean, emotionally, not physically. If my fever continues to come and go and come and go like an indecisive bf, I will have to pay my family doctor a visit and determine what on earth is causing the symptoms?! And I think I should steer clear of air-conditioned places for a while... Somehow they always make me feel super cold. And then I get a temperature.
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Tuesday, November 16, 2004
| UGLY TRUTHS One thing that has always bothered me, is the fact that I don't like certain people. I don't expect everyone to like or accept me (even though apparently one of my biggest problems is my need for approval, acceptance or security), and I don't expect myself to like everyone either. It's not possible. But what I find disturbing, is how I can not like people for something as superficial as a *feeling* they give me. There's no rationale for it. I just don't like them. And even though I do try to make the effort to *try* and *make* myself like them, it doesn't work. Somehow something just doesn't click. Like some girl I knew before. Maybe I was jealous of her coz she was a social butterfly. Because she was pretty and she had the body I wanted, even though she never had to work for it. Maybe I was contemptuous of her because she struck me as too idealistic, too 'goody-goody'. I don't know what turned me off. It wasn't like she was a bitch or mean or anything, in fact she was nothing but nice to me. But yet I hated it when she hung around or was chummy with my best friends. I hated that her grades were better or that she just seemed to have a perfect life. I was perversely unsympathetic when she got into trouble and I didn't see why everyone else was. I hate it when people say nice or positive things about her. I didn't, and still don't understand why. Was I jealous? It's not like I wanted her life. But why her? Why specifically her and not any other person? There were so many more people I couldn't stand, and a few I initially didn't like but grew to like after getting to know them better. Yet for her, yet for all my efforts at trying to like her, somehow I just couldn't click. And then it's happening again. There's someone else I cannot stand, and I find it highly frustrating because we're in a position where we have to get along. I don't see why I should be this way. It's just something tt I find very off-putting. I hate act-cute people, I really do. And even if I know tt they're incredibly nice or good-hearted underneath, I cannot take it. I really can't. I hate it tt something as superficial as this can put me off people. I've always tried to be tolerant of people. It's just highly disturbing and frustrating to me, and a side of myself I'd rather not see. Dammit. In other notes, my fever is gone, after 2 rounds of biogesic. Am going SRC Conference Room to mug till 5.15.pm today. Anyway one thing tt appalled me was watching America's Next Top Model last night. Apparently the model with the best body for 'high fashion' is Shandi, who (even tho I like her and all) to me looks anorexic with a possible BMI of 10. Not that I advocate fat models coz I'm in no position to judge, but considering what advertisers consider right to put out on fashion magazines, it's no wonder so many young women are succumbing to eating disorders, crazy excessive dieting, and developing poor body images of themselves. Anyway I never really notice Yoanna till my previous faves Jenescia and Sara were kicked out, but it's true. She has the most beautiful face I've ever seen. She really heralds back to the time of porcelain skin and Audrey Hepburn. And personally, I think her body is fine too. In fact, my dad said her only problem was tt she had no boobs. Wahaha. | |
EARGH Headache. According to old, dusty acne-inducing (probably) forehead thermometer my temperature is 39 degrees. I feel cold. And tired. And my eyes hurt. KNN. For all the comforts of home, the air-con, good food, TLC, etc etc etc... And I'm succumbing. Screw you Law School and exams! Screw yooouuuuuuuuuuuuu!!! Ugh. *sniffles* Think will go wallow in misery now. Bleah. | |
# posted by Kitana @ 11/16/2004 03:09:00 AM 
