absolutum dominium

(disclaimer #1: this entry is NOT towards anyone who reads this blog).

(disclaimer #2: this entry is NOT directed at the Dragonboat team Captain. NO NO NO. FAR from it. My dragonboat captain is the BESTEST in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. no no no. this is directed at a Hall Sport captain.)

You know what? I've had it with you. Captain my ass. You have no sense of responsibility, you don't understand the concept of respect, and after all tt has been done (and not done by you) and all the unhappiness tt's resulted, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to stand by you and try and defend you anymore.

Who the fuck gives you tt right to want to come and scold *me* for not following your half-baked, completely unreadable un-understandable training plan following a 5 minute crash course before you disappeared on your month-long vacation to fucking Wherever during the one-month intensive training period, and leaving us to carry your fucking baby?

You're not fit to be a captain, and I'm sorry if you don't know tt, because the rest of the girls damn well do.

So I'm sorry but if I get tt peer appraisal form, you know what I'm going to do.
What I must. Of course.

MY GIRLS

I went back for one last fun training today, and it makes me even more reluctant to leave.

I was the earliest, but Vic and Angeline (thankfully) arrived not long later. I rem a lot a lot of laughter and joking before training began. We were belting out songs in bad singing fashion, esp Mona and me and her rendition of "I Hate Myself For Loving You". The girls were mainly surprised to see me. They almost thought I was back for good. And Grace, Yunshan and Serene have returned after a 6 month hiatus.

That's what I've resolved it will be for me. A 6-month hiatus. Now if only I can keep the 6-month thingy.

There's a romantic familiarity to the SDBA. To the new pontoons, painted boats (but still as old, slippery and icky), and even to the same old faces of our rivals. We go down and warm up. It's an easy row, but my arms still ache like hell from the rust of not rowing.

It's a fun session this time. We fool around. A lot. Everyone is laughing and chatting and joking. Even David is being extremely lenient and corny and jokey today. It's an amazing feeling.

We change over and I get a taste of rowing on the left, along with a few other switches like Vic, Wendz, Serene, Yunshan etc. Yirang gets a chance to cox, and she takes us in 2 circles first (which I found extremely funny) before suddenly improving trmendously and taking us all the way straight out to Sheares Bridge.

(But look at it this way, *I* cannot cox to save my life. Still.)

We get a chance to jump off the boat into the water and float around until the tidal waves from the Duck Tours boat send us scurrying back for safety. Towards the end of water training when it starts to rain and the wind gets really strong we get splashed with water by David, which makes Wenya scream from the cold. And it is cold. And David makes some obscure reference to camels and orstrich eggs. And Jul... Well. *evil grin*

The rain forces Melissa to cancel the run *YES!!!*, and we cool down in time for the rain to lessen considerably. Arhaha.

Gosh. I miss the place. The familiarity just kills you.

We go to Marina Square for dinner coz Nicoll Highway has been reopened (imagine tt!) and it's almost like retracing your roots.

I'm so hungry I wallop down my curry chicken noodles. Yum.

And we chat about stuff. Training, past races, people, module bidding (huh?), studying (huh?), and well... trying to get me to come back (but the running "surprises" are kind of FORBIDDING in a large large way)...

We go to Pacific Coffee for hot chocolate and steamed milk and nua and chat some more...

And then at 8-something we finally head our separate ways.

People train for different reasons. Me, I train for them. I wish tt we could be like the NTU dragonboaters. We could have the same hall for all of us to stay in together. We could study together all the time. I wish I had one or 2 more of them in law school with me so I wouldn't be so lonely. There's nothing like them. Nothing else comes close. :(

I wish I could go for tt Swift AGT run next Sun. I don't like to run, esp not 10 km under timing, but I would love to run with them coz I know it would be fun. A lot more fun than a soccer competition with girls I barely know, cannot click with, cannot talk to, and at a game tt I still suck at. I know it takes time and perseverance to build up skill, but I don't feel the same love for soccer as I do for rowing because I don't feel any love for the team the way I do my girls. It's not tt I haven't tried or I'm stubbornly closing myself off, but it's too little time and to begin with, I don't even have the bonds. And I know tt I'll probably be told to make the first move, be sociable, but truth be told... I don't know how anymore.

I guess I've been going on and on abt my teammates, whining on and on about them, but I can't help it. I am happiest with them, hanging out with them, talking to them, eating (i.e. pigging out on curry and BBQed sotong and orh luak and other really unhealthy oily food tt def won't make me any thinner but makes me ultimately human), training (even running, even tho the slopes *still* make me want to keel over and die), etc. I'm just happy.

I guess tt's why we all agree tt dragonboat is like Hotel California - "You can come in any time you like, but you can't ever leave."

(There's a 'curse' tt goes on for years: people who sign on the sign-up form for dragonboat willingly, of their own accord, and on their own unaccompanied by anyone else, will stay on the team for *3*years. I was one such person.)

...I don't ask for much. I think. I don't want to find the love of my life. I'm not looking for a reason to live (not really). As long as I have a happy family, good friends, and a meaningful purpose, tt's all I need.

Is the search for happiness ongoing and treacherous, or am I being too pessimistic by not acknowledging the fact tt life is too short to not be anything but happy?

I was thinking abt turning 21 again today, and despite of what everyone's been asking me, no I'm not excited. I'm not excited abt growing older or achieving adulthood. I was never in any hurry to begin with. I'm not dying for freedom or any more space than I already have, because I am content.

What I fear now, is growing older. I can't imagine living without my parents. Okay, seriously, I can. I've thought about me getting older and them having to go, because tt is the natural state of things and I cannot prevent nature from taking its course. And I know tt physically, I will survive. I will go on in life because I have to, I will have no choice, and frankly I'll probably too strong and too resilient to break down and die.

But I'm not looking forward to tt. I don't want tt day to come ever. I would rather be stuck in a time warp than have tt day come, because I don't want to lose them. I would be very very sad, and very very empty. That's why I want to spend as much quality time with them as I can, and to love them and to let them know tt they are loved, and to be loved by them, for as long as I possibly can.

As for dragonboat, ok I admit. I'm not quitting for good. I'll def be coming back. I'll just take 6 months off and see how first. If I a) can succeed in changing my body shape b) can improve my running stamina and timing c) get superbly bored and unhappy with life outside the team, I will def return.

So tt is my promise.

I ADMIT, I AM A FOOL

After all this time, my heart still rests with my teammates. And I'm leaving them. The irony of tt.

Haha. The gatherings in hall make it painfully obvious for me how I so do NOT fit in.I can't make small talk; I can't hold decent conversation; even te year 1s have it better with the returning alumni.

I admit, it's my fault. For not being sociable enough when I first came in. For not going for gatherings and dinners and stuff coz I was too involved with my team.

So there, I'm paying the price. It's not any fault of my hallmates coz as far as I can see they're all very nice people and they have done their part in asking me out; knocking on my door, etc. I've been the one never in, never around, saying no, etc.

And then it's quite obvious tt I don't exactly have a clique of friends in my faculty too. People to hang out with; sure, 1 or 2. Friends to talk to; sure 1 or 2 here and there.

But nothing, nothing has ever ever ever come close to the bond between me and my teammates.

They don't judge, they don't discriminate. They're not cliqu-ish (which isn't the case elsewhere). They accept you for who you are as one of them.

Even when I was once super un-onz, I was accepted. Even now (of course), I am accepted.

I am a fool for thinking tt this kind of camaderie can exist elsewhere. I'm wrong and I acknowledge tt. It hasn't happened and I don't think it will. Even hall teams don't come close. Funny thing is swimming. Even though the behaviour of the guys are not-so-appropriate, I do admire the kind of dragonboat-type mentality tt the guys share. They encourage team-bonding too.

I'm surprised no one else really seems to realise the importance. Or am I wrong again?

Anyway this fool is going to continue down her path of destruction. Haha. I laugh in bitter irony at my sad sad self.

OF STICK-THIN BITCHES AND UTTERLY STUPID PEOPLE

I am at home. Self-declared free day.

Argh I have had it. There is this long global female obsession to be stick-thin, and the irritation is sweeping across even the blog-hemisphere.

I don't want to say too much here coz I'm not in the mood, but I will say this:

a) I despise stick-thin insects who spend all their time bemoaning the fact tt they are fat and consciously staying away from food and giving portions of their food to others in attempts to make their friends fatter than themselves.

b) I despise creatures who spend so much time worrying about their looks that they disregard everything else in life.

c) I despise bitches who complain tt they are fat in sight of their fatter friends, knowing tt such insensitivity is highly demoralising to said friends.

d) I despise bimbos who complain tt they are fat every time and not do a damn thing and expect God to work miracles.

I'll keep my warm chocolate cake, good humour, and objectivity in life, thank you.

*******************************************************

P.S. There are these stupid clerics going around telling people tt the tsunamis are God's way of punishing sin.

Who the fuck died and made you guys God?

That is the most immature uneducated argument I have ever heard. Unfortunately it is also the argument of the masses, but then again I've always been elitist.

My point is this: Contrary to popular belief: *Humans* are not the best thing on planet earth. The world does not revolve around humankind. And stupid humans with a mind to further *their* own selfish objectives and to make themselves sound great to the layfolk have no right or authority to go around telling people tt it was the Will of God.

Hello? Do you know what nature means? We live on fucking *plates* that move when magma (whatever liquid substances beneath the Earth's surface - pardon my Geog; I haven't touched it since Sec 2) expands and causes the plates to move, either resulting in a) earthquakes or b) volcanic eruptions.

It's not some fucking "unexplainable" supernatural act. It's definitely not God's way of punishing sin (in any case considering that 2/3 of the dead are children, unless you can explain *that* then you have no right spouting nonsensical crap). It's just how the way things are.

Some people have been shaking their heads. Some Catholics have been saying tt the atheists are going to have a field day with this. "If your God is so powerful, why didn't he prevent this act?"

That's strange. That's a question tt has been bouncing off lips for thousands and thousands of years.

Don't be stupid. Don't presume to know God and what He does coz obviously humans only use 10% of our total brain capacity. We're too stupid to know.

And like I said, the world does not revolve around us. Just because we THINK that we're the brightest/most intelligent species on planet earth doesn't mean we are. What makes *us* think we're better than the ants? We crush them so easily under our feet. One step and they're gone, their little lives snuffed out in an instant, and we wouldn't even know, now would we.

So what if humans are just some little race on some little planet in some little galaxy in a whole chain of galaxies and to be honest we're no more than the bacteria feasting on our small intestines; to greater species in places tt we've never known existed?

So keeping tt in mind, the universe does NOT revolve around humans. God's plan is NOT to keep everyone safe and happy. Don't be stupid. Just as praying to God everyday doesn't ensure tt you'll have a blissful marriage, a happy family, a secure job and hell, tt your wallet and handphone won't be stolen from you in the space of 20 minutes *heh heh heh*, tt's exactly it. Bad things happen. Suffering happens. Death happens. It doesn't matter where you are, how old you are, or how many of you there are. Suffering and death are ALL a natural part of life.

(Praying just helps *you* deal with it better.)

I believe in Balance. In Equilibirum. People die so tt new people can be born and there won't be problems of say, over-population/over-use of resources etc etc etc. People die so tt the concept of the fragility of life will give it a value tt wouldn't have existed had we all been immortal. Sometimes things have to happen, things have to change, to bring a new balance to the system.

It doesn't matter whether it affects us or not. It's a 'world' thing, not a human thing. The world doesn't revolved around us, WE live in and are just one part of a big big world.

So the next time some idiot comes up to me about the whole "God brings disaster to punish the sinful" or the "If there is a God, why would He allow this to happen?" arguments, my answer will simply be this:

"You my friend, are stupid."

And I won't even bother explaining why.

You scored as A Too Sporty Faerie. Your super active and love getting people around you fired up too. Your generally an upbeat person who loves their sport! Your great to hang out with and can always think of something fun to do, but sometimes you may need to chill out for a little bit, which is okay because you can sit back and watch all the change you've made. See All Results/Comment A Too Sporty Faerie 70% A Too Evil Faerie 65% A Too Silly Faerie 60% A Too Sweet Faerie 50% A Too Kinky Faerie 45% A Too Depressed Faerie 45% A Too Serious Faerie 35% A Too Astral Faerie 25% A Too Lazy Faerie 25% Which Dysfunctional Faerie are You? created with QuizFarm.com

OOH. YOU TOUCH MY TRALALA. MMM. MY DING DING DONG.

Argh. That is it. This song is so damn bloody distastefully bad... that it's good. And worse than tt it is STUCK IN MY HEAD!!!

*wail*

Want to see how bad it is? Check out http://www.funnyheck.com/gunther.html.

DING DONG SONG
- Gunther & The Sunshine Girls

[Chorus]
oh, you touch my tralala,
mm my ding ding dong.
la lalala lalala....
Oh, you touch my tralala
la lalala lalala....
mm, my ding ding dong.
la lalala lalala....

[Verse]
Deep in the night
i'm looking for some fun,
deep in the night
i'm looking for some love.
dedededeep in the night
i'm looking for some fun,
deep in the night
i'm looking for some...

You tease me,
oh please me,
i want you to be my lovetoy,
come near me, don´t here me,
i just can´t get enough of you boy.

[Repeat Chorus]

[Repeat Verse]

you tease me,
oh please me.
i want you to be my lovetoy. come near me, don´t here me,
i just can´t get enough of you boy.

***********************************************

Anyway on another note, my parents are *finally* back from Bali. YAY! I missed them so much. And I've discovered tt when you're alone and bored at home with nothing to do, *housework* is actually a good distraction. All I did was plug in Big Boi, grab the vacuum and off I went! And I washed both my parents' cars without comlpaint too.

Yippee! I can be hired as a maid now. :) Just in case I get kicked out of law and become utterly useless. *gasp*

Anyway here's the pic Hsien, Yanli and I took last Wed at Big O;

The Frying Pan is too damn thick. Tamade.

I shouldn't be doing this, but OMG he always mispells your name "melisa" or "mellissa" or "mellisa"???

Does tt mean he's dyslexic too?

*swoon*

How cute.

I miss him you know. :)

Him and those imitation greek god poses.

Okay. Uncle poses.

*cheeky grin*

Frying Pan. Frying Pan.

Met Johnny for dinner.

Spoke about law, dragonboat, hall and friends.

Good to see him again. Is good to have friends in high places.

Apparently GG wants is going to be in the police force. Sia lah. GG as a possible instructor or team leader?

Scary news.